Your head on zero gravity

Space commander Newt Gingrich has issued a special sad secret video communique from space with terrifying news from the future: “I want to take this opportunity to give you an insider advance notice that…” — WHAT IS IT, WE HATE SUSPENSE — “…on Wednesday, I’ll be officially suspending the campaign.” Oh no, that is terrible. We were praying for “massive comets are hurtling toward Earth,” to avoid the rest of the general election season. But commander, some have noticed that the flag displayed in your message as seen in the screen grab above is on the wrong side, according to Title 36 of the United States Code that specifies that flags hanging from a staff must be on the “speaker’s right as he faces the audience.” WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Let’s check the video, or alternately wait for us to tell you what you need to know immediately after the embed:

It means that Newt Gingrich hates America so much that even after dropping out, he says, “I want you to know that we’re going to continue out there on the road — both Callista and I will be talking, campaigning, making speeches.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. It is worse than you ever feared. [Al Kamen]

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  • metamarcisf

    It means Newt is dead.

    • proudgrampa

      No, no, no, no, He's outside looking in.

      • jqheywood

        Is he going to tune in, turn on, and drop out?

        • proudgrampa

          Well, I was hoping that the Moody Blues reference wasn't too obscure…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Is he not wearing any shoes?

    • OneDollarJuana

      I watched the vid backwards and it says "I bury Newt".

      • metamarcisf

        "Turn me on, dumbass."

    • yrbmegr

      Clearly, it means America is to the left of Newt Gingrich.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    So long, Newt! Don't let the door hit ya where the lord gave you a giant, wobbly, two-bathroom split ya.

  • Barb

    Newt, you didn't have to make a video for this. The video lasted longer than a personal phone call to each of your supporters would have taken.

  • widestanceromance

    I have not yet even heard of a Newt Suicide Watch, but I'm bored waiting already.

  • JoeHoya

    When he says, "both Callista and I will be talking, campaigning, making speeches,” he means "selling books."

    • YasserArraFeck

      Callista and Newt are still talking? He must be deluging her with trinkets.

    • MadBrahms

      You mean "attempting to sell but not actually selling books".

  • RedneckMuslin

    "But commander, some have noticed that the flag displayed in your message as seen in the screen grab above is on the wrong side, according to Title 36 of the United States Code that specifies that flags hanging from a staff must be on the “speaker’s right as he faces the audience.”

    Not in space.

    • Or maybe he's broadcasting from the southern hemisphere.

      Wait… I haz a confuzes.

  • Boojum

    Alternate headline:

    Irrelevant Fart Sack Announces Own Irrelevance, Nation Points and Laughs.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Griftin' aint easy BITCHES!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    When asked his thoughts on the 2012 Presidential campaign, God said "No comets!"

  • LastGasp

    … specifies that flags hanging from a staff must be on the “speaker’s right as he faces the audience.” WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

    It's like when the flag is hung upside down — a symbol of distress.

    • YasserArraFeck

      "Plague ship – stand away!!"

  • Goonemeritus

    Like I told Nixon a few years back just take your fucking dog and go home no one has the energy to kick you around anymore.


    Murdoch's News of the World reports it means that Barry is in Kabul to burn all the misplaced flags and to have ghey buttsechs with hiz main man Sweet Cheeks Karzai.

    • Michelle was in Tucson yesterday, inspecting our lettuce patches.

  • sharethegrief

    No one can be as inclusive as Newt. Today we are all insiders.

  • metamarcisf

    In space, no one can hear you fart.

    • Boojum

      But remember Newton's Laws and hold on tight!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Callista… will continue talking, campaigning, making speeches

    I hope he bought the extended warranty on her…

    • Mahousu

      Newt never bothers with that. He just trades them in when they start giving problems.

      • YasserArraFeck

        You know, they lose a quarter of their value the minute you take them off the lot……I would always go for one gently used….Wait..What? Oh, Wives!!!!

    • snackypants

      I didn't know they made a talking Real Doll yet.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This announcement should have came a year ago.

    • MOG2410

      He's still spending the campaign money, so he'll stay out there until it's gone?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Newt looks tired — as though he's already anticipating all the conferences he's going to have with his lawyers and FEC officials over his campaign finance irregularities.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yahoo had an article this AM about Santorum and Gingrich negotiating with Rmoney for their endorsements. Santorum wants to ensure that his Christofacist agenda is represented.
      Gingrich wants his campaign debt paid for and his reputation repaired.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Newt should've thought of that two marriages ago.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Meh! Braucht mehr Untergang!

  • niblick77

    I think Newt's news conference was staged, just like the 1969 moon landing was staged.

  • timbo71351

    Begone lardass and take your creepy wife with you.

  • chicken_thief


    Wha?!…. scratch that….

  • Eve8Apples

    Newt isn't a speaker — he lost that job years ago.

    He's more of a snorer or napper or fapper so he can hang the flag from his staff or wherever he pleases because no one really gives a damn about Newt.

  • But commander, some have noticed that the flag displayed in your message as seen in the screen grab above is on the wrong side, according to Title 36 of the United States Code that specifies that flags hanging from a staff must be on the “speaker’s right as he faces the audience.” WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

    As no lesser authority than Basil Marceaux could tell you, having the flag displayed on the wrong side plainly means that this speech actually takes place in a super-secret version of martial law that only exists in places where the flag is displayed incorrectly. Newt Gingrich is secretly declaring himself dictator for life!!!! Of the moon!!!!!

    • tessiee

      Either that, or he's placed *himself* on double secret probation.

  • James Michael Curley

    Obama is in Afghanistan and will address US tonight. Now What?

    "Later in the evening, Mr. Obama slipped out of the White House and traveled to Joint Base Andrews, where he and a small circle of aides boarded Air Force One, which took off in secret after 11 p.m. A small group of reporters, including one from The New York Times, were allowed to accompany the president, after they agreed not to report on his whereabouts until his helicopter landed in Kabul"

    • I thought the "Surprise" wasn't supposed to come until October. Maybe Hopey is kickin out the jams and will have a surprise EVERY month.

    • prommie

      Who was that Taliban guy we been after for 11 years now? Mullah Omar?

    • Boojum

      He has decided to come out of deep cover, initiate Operation Manchurian Mullah, and hand the launch codes over to the Ayatollah.

      This will be a Fox Exclusive within the next five, four, three….

  • Callyson

    Callista… will continue talking, campaigning, making speeches

    Guess she has to earn those diamonds after all…

    • Wouldn't you go willingly on a world tour if the alternative was staying home in Arlington with Newtie?

      • Callyson

        Now that you mention it, Peoria might be a perfectly fine city after all…hee hee hee…

  • Schmannnity

    The Robert Caro of Freddie Mac leaves the field of battle.

    • nounverb911

      LBJ Libel!

  • IncenseDebate

    His eye blinks are spelling "I WOULD LIKE A NEW BJ WIFE" in Morse code.

  • SoBeach

    This is bad news for those of us entertained by pompous, arrogant, egotistical blowhards.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Well, it's not like he's dead yet. He does promise to keep making an ass out of himself for a few more weeks at least.

    • GOPCrusher

      We'll always have Rush Limbaugh!

  • Baconzgood

    I'm not watching this sack of raw pizza dough.

    • Would that be the dough soon to be stuffed with hot dogs?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    From now on, May 1 will be remembered as the day that Mitt Romney's crack propaganda team struck down and killed Newt Gingrich's campaign. This day will be celebrated for decades!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Heck, anyone would've made that call.

  • SorosBot

    Won't someone please think of the children who want to work mopping up the school's bathrooms?

  • anniegetyerfun

    I like how he is dragging this out as long as possible in hopes that Mittens will throw him a bone of some sort. Who do you think you are, Newt? Seamus? You want to be strapped to the roof of the car and brought along on the campaign trail?

    • YasserArraFeck

      I so don't want to see what drools down the back window in that case.
      "Dad!! We're gonna need a new back window!!"

  • hagajim

    Newty just shot the video in a mirror because he wanted to admire himself while stepping out the election. One last look at the son of the Sta-Puff Marshmellow and Michelin Men.

    • Stevola

      Newt has two daddies?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I come here not to praise Newt, but to bury his lying lame ass self.

  • Canyons of Your Mind

    P.S. You won't have Newt Gingrich to kick around anymore.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Video often gets distorted or reversed when transmitted through the galactic wormhole.

    Also notice the relativistic temporal distortion, where the end of his campaign is preceded by Newt's observation of the same. It's this sort of cause-effect reversals that make the study of temporal mechanics so fascinating.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      f only he had a goatee–then we could safely assume he's the exact opposite of our Newt.

  • proudgrampa

    Maybe the video was not from space, but from the 16th Dimension. I heard that in even dimensions, directions are reversed. That bloated clown has GOT to be from another dimension.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Given the complexities of temporal mechanics, there's no way to know which one of us postulated this theorem first.

      • proudgrampa

        All I know is that great minds think alike, Gen!

      • You two are really a pair of ducks.

        • proudgrampa

          Cheers, Star!

  • FritzBrogan

    hey, no shit, is that a copy of House of Leaves over his right shoulder?

  • OneYieldRegular

    My nominee for newest entry in "Great Moments of the Presidency" would be Barry singling out Newt at the White House Correspondent's Dinner last week and telling him, "There's still time" for him to win the nomination. Seldom has such a smackdown been so well earned.

  • chicken_thief

    Now he's off to go give that Taxachusetts liberal presumptive nominee an obligatory concessionary hand job.

  • …and remember to purchase Ellis the Elephant. On sale at bookstores everywhere, or you can buy it online.

  • Antispandex

    Well, this could be very educational. I am really interested to see how he walks this back and says that Mitts is really a great guy, and how he would make a great President! Maybe something like, "Look, anything would be better than having a En Eye Double Guh Er, be President for the next four years"…or words to that effect. This is going to be good!

  • whatupirondog

    "A re-election of Barack Obama would be a genuine disaster!"

    Awwww! One more bald-faced lie for the road? You shouldn't have!

  • both Callista and I will be talking, campaigning,

    Though you phrase it so adorably in future tense, Newt, I will look forward to parsing your words as the campaign that is past, for all in tense and purposes.

  • More like, "Callista and I will be whining, complaining"..

  • jakegittes

    "And my donor's list goes up for sale immediately. On Saturday, Callista and I will be holding a garage sale at which you can get some real bargains on the Tiffany bling, too."

  • MissTaken

    There better not be yellow fringe on that flag because I'm pretty sure Newt just declared himself President of the Maritime Moon.

  • greenide1

    The reason Newt and Callista are staying out on the road is because no one will open the door.

  • Operalala

    This made me wonder, and yep, E-bay sells used blow-up dolls

  • YasserArraFeck

    Our soon-to-be Alien Overlords almost had me fooled with their cunningly constructed Newt animatron. But they tripped up on the flag – how were they to know it was supposed to be on the other side? They almost got away with it (whatever "it" is), those intergalactic blaggards!!

  • ttommyunger

    Wait, what? Newt says whazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz?

  • rickmaci

    Dare I say, who cares? Newt is so last month.

  • James Michael Curley

    By 7:30 EDT Obama is to give a nation wide address. Not a single news story will reflect the Newt's departure today and not a single journalist will consider it news tomorrow.

  • JackObin

    He has the brain of a newt.

  • larrykat

    The flag… it's like those old Bin Laden videos where the way the machine gun was positioned was sending a message to his secret splinter cells! Moon Rangers, assemble!

  • C_R_Eature

    It's pretty weird, but it is much better than the original "Video from the Future" that he wanted to send.

    • CRE, that's a hell of a new avatar! i almost didn't recognize ya.

      • C_R_Eature

        Why, thank you! It's my Green Man face for May Day, Beltane,
        "Today we choose Faces."

        I was just going to wear this for today, but I'm getting to really like it.

  • Nice, Kirsten! Email me for edit access to the list:

  • chascates

    Subconsciously, a deep-seated cry for help.

  • criminogenic

    The flag in on the wrong side because the message is being played backwards.. played forwards it's an ad. for 'stay puft marshmallows'.

  • OldRedneck

    Re: The flag.

    Sorry, Wonkette, you blew it. The flag is placed properly.

    The positioning of the flag depends upon the level on which it is placed. If the flag is on the same level as the audience, it is ON THE AUDIENCE RIGHT AS THEY FACE THE FLAG. This flag appears to be on the floor of the room. Thus, it's on the same level as the audience and is on their right as they face the flag — putting the flag on Newt's left as he faces the audience.

    Now — if Newt were standing on an elevated platform — a stage, for example — the flag would be on the RIGHT SIDE OF THE SPEAKER AS HE/SHE FACES THE AUDIENCE, thereby making the flag to the audience's left.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I don't really care which side of The Newt the flag is on, but it would sure be nice if the staff were shoved up his fat ass.

  • Biff

    The rear-facing camera on my Android captures the flag on the wrong side, too. Proof that
    1) Newt is still a patriot, and
    B) He recorded his own farewell vidclip.

  • lulzmonger

    Newt who?

  • Smithboy

    Damn! I was really looking forward to Pres. Gingrich establishing a moon colony. As he taught us, when the moon's population grew to eleven thousand inhabitants it could then become our 51st state, and the moon would be all ours. Sarah Palin had already agreed to serve a half term as governor of the moon.

  • Franknflower

    This from the Faux News:

    Well, okay, but there’s another side to Gingrich: He has always been one of the most intellectually interesting, and politically questing, figures on the national stage. And so if there’s a little bit of Don Quixote in Gingrich, there’s also a lot of Captain James T. Kirk; he really did want to boldly go where no politician had gone before. Indeed, we might say that progress depends on Captain Kirks, or their non-fiction equivalents.

    And Gingrich’s impact was real.

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