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Townhall Columnist Solves Everything: Secret Service Is Addicted To Porn

her majesty's secret service, pioneer of work vacation prostitution

“What do you suppose are the chances,” wonders Townhall columnist Mona Charen, that the Cartagena Dozen or whatever, like and watch porn? It’s very important that we talk about this, says Ms. Charen, because if we can just know this one thing, maybe it explains everything, and if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south and “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.” Engaging prostitutes! What a turn of phrase. Charen then answers her own question: the chances are “100 percent,” and so now we know what we must do, with this hard science in our grasp. Turn off the Internet. Take a woman’s hand (as long as she is not a prostitute) and talk to her.

After saying that the Cartagena guys are “pornified” (based upon the 2005 book Pornified), Charen goes on some long tangent about a straw 1950s housewife named Betty and her modern straw counterpart, Betty, and how in the ’50s Betty would be scandalized by porn but would smoke to her little heart’s desire, and now the modern Betty thinks cigarettes are disgusting but will enjoy porn of all varieties to her heart’s desire thinks porn is OK, and her husband watches it, which she is fine with, because she is sometimes tired at night, and so is he, because he watches porn all day.

And all this is to say…those men in Cartagena and future visitors to this buzzed-about resort spot could be stopped if Future Betty would swoop down and teach us that both smoking and porn ought to make us gag, not one or the other.

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Like smoking, porn is not an innocent pleasure. At a 2003 meeting of the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 62 percent of attendees said that Internet porn had contributed to divorces in the previous year.

Yes. Porn is a gateway drug, the gateway to which is people enjoying weddings too much and hating each other and never doing it. But let us propose for a moment that the Secret Service is a gateway to an inflated sense of power and control? And that owing to the belief that women are fair and weak and are better as secretaries and porn stars, there are usually no women around the Secret Service to prevent it from turning into a gross boys’ club? Oh, but your Wonkette is an “ette” and so can’t pretend to know anything, that is probably just an ignorant and sexist thing to say about men.

Charen does quote from Pornified, give her credit, written by current New (LIBERAL) York Times Book Review editor Pamela Paul, in making her argument that the men down in Cartagena probably can’t “relate to or be close to” women (except prostitutes) due to all the porn that they are watching but which most other people aren’t, except sex offenders and people who have “risky sex.” This is a conclusion drawn in Paul’s book, despite the fact that it is, in Charen’s words “hard to prove with statistics.” Despite this, Charen says it is in fact the “heart of the matter” in the Cartagena case. A totally theoretical concept based on a random sampling of men interviewed for a book that was published in 2005. Yes, this is The Way We News Now! Bye. [Townhall, regrettably]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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134 comments

    1. elviouslyqueer

      No no. Republicans just happen to have an inordinate fondness for porn, particularly the "prepubescent boybutt" ouevre. What they're really addicted to is giving each other feces facials.

  1. Barb

    Michele Bachman is cross eyed and batshit crazy. This is what happens when you don't get a little smut into your life now and then.

    1. sharethegrief

      That's so unfair to Michele. Marcus enjoys his fantasy smut every time he gets a new client.

        1. Negropolis

          Well, if giving your wife multiple new STDs because of your secret, unprotected sexytimes doesn't "much impact her."

          I don't know if this is the case, but it'd be irresponsible not to speculate!

    2. GOPCrusher

      Why do I get the impression that Michele likes dressing up like a SS officer and punishing Marcus on a regular basis.

  2. ttommyunger

    I guess I can believe that Mona Charen is still alive, but I can't believe anyone still reads her.

    1. LetUsBray

      Back in the early '90s when I lived in the Midwest the Kansas City Star used to carry Mona Harridan's column. I see she hasn't gotten any smarter, or less sanctimonious.

  3. EtchySketchy

    I remember 1950's Betty, she worked the help desk at Milf-town regional library.

    Rowr.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Milftown? Isn't that on highway 69, halfway between Cougarville and Beaverton?

  4. Goonemeritus

    When she gets done ridding the world of porn she should take five minutes and solve world hunger and complete the unified field theory.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    “damag[ing] their marriages and the lives of their children by engaging prostitutes.”

    Engaging prostitutes? Does this mean they were looking for multiple wives?

    Is this all Mitt Romney's fault?

    1. chicken_thief

      Of course not. It's clearly Hussein Obummerz fault cause he wouldn't pimp out Shellz.

  6. Toomush_Infer

    Well, there's your solution right there!: throw out the Secret Service and replace it with the Youth Anti-Sex League…..problem solved!…..

  7. prommie

    This is great, you can prove anything this way, take a group of people who are known to have done something bad (an act we can call "act A"), just assume that they did something else, (act B) and then conclude that "doing act B leads to doing act A."

    Charles Manson and the Manson Family committed mass murder. I bet they all also smoked pot before that; therefore, smoking pot leads to mass murder.

    Rome's civilization collapsed. There were homosexuals in Rome. Therefore, if you have homosexuals in your civilization, it will collapse.

    There are lots of guns in the South; there are an enormous number of gun deathsin the South, therefore, high rates of gun ownership leads to more gun deaths. ha ha, just kidding, in this case, this proves that there would have been EVEN MORE murders in the South if they didn't have so many guns!

    1. MissTaken

      Members of the Secret Service visited prostitutes. I'm sure those same members drink water. Therefore, drinking water leads to engaging prostitutes.

  8. MissTaken

    if we can stop porn, maybe we can stop men from going down south

    NOOOOO!!!!!

  9. Toomush_Infer

    BTW: I knew Betty, back in the 1950s…..she should keep her mouth shut…. I did….

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I'm pretty sure that many of our brave soilders ((TM) the Republican Party), serving in Iraq and Afghanistan have enjoyed a little porn while overseas. Maybe porn is what allows them to fight so bravely? Maybe we should make sure that more and more people get some porn now and then. Like Mona Charen?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I've known several guys over in Afghanistan. If they didn't have a regular stream of porn they'd be fucking their gun barrels.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    oh… why am I laughing… not because Charen is ridiculous, which she is.. but because Colville's derision of her is hilarious, and deserved…

  12. Chichikovovich

    We should back off a little, because Charen's article does have one piece of life-changing practical counsel from a 100% Ivy League social-scientist person:

    Mary Anne Layden, of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology program at the University of Pennsylvania, reports that young people who view porn are more likely to have multiple sexual partners,…

    If only I could get in a time machine and tell the young Chichikovovich this vital piece of advice.

    1. SorosBot

      Uh, multiple just means more than one. That would include just about everybody, except weird people who get married to their high school sweethearts.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Shoor. But if you increase your chances to have more than one, you increase your chances to have more than two, right? And more than n for arbitrary n? That's just, like, counting and stuff.

  13. sullivanst

    Yes, it's regrettable that Townhall exists, fucking cesspool that it is.

    Let us suppose that Charen is correct in that the primary cause of the use of prostitutes is the watching of internet porn. In that case, what would we expect to see in history, in particular the part of history (almost all of it, Katie) where the internet did not exist? Less prostitution, of course. But, while the internet is not the oldest infrastructure, prostitution is "the oldest profession".

    And so, to sum up: Mona Charen, you're a fucking braindead moron. The end.

  14. vodkamuppet

    But I'm unemployed, what else am I supposed to do besides beat-off and smoke cigarettes all day? Turning in resumes gets to be a downer after a while.

    1. SorosBot

      Yay, someone else in the same boat! I just love sending my resume off to the black hole all day long.

      1. vodkamuppet

        Yeah, it's a miracle I even bother shaving anymore. Sure glad the recession's over!

      2. Mumbletypeg

        Jay-sus.. I am sorry to hear this, b/c I thought or inferred from earlier posts you were employed. Did the job loss happen recently? If you've already detailed it from before, just link me to it. That really bites.

    2. chicken_thief

      I'm fully employed, but that still sounds like a productive day to me. Add beer and it's pretty much the story of my life.

    3. prommie

      Have you tried drinking? Fleischman's gin is only $11.99 a half-gallon. And there is always weed, too!

      1. vodkamuppet

        I'm a vodka man but yes I've definetly tried it. 5th of Arrow only runs me 7 bucks and thats at the expensive liquor store. My liver is really starting to object though and weed doesn't do anything for me. Time to move on to pills.

      2. GOPCrusher

        You can afford weed on unemployment? I'm going to quit my job because I can't afford weed now.

        1. Mumbly_Joe

          I'm pretty sure the way it actually works is you sell weed while you're unemployed. At least, that's the impression I've gotten from watching Showtime series, and also from being able to do basic arithmatic vis a vis the average unemployment payment and the cost of subsistence in America circa 2012.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          Have you tried leaning out your window and yelling "Anybody got any weed?"

          Always worked for me.

  15. BornInATrailer

    "At a 2003 meeting of the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 62 percent of attendees said that Internet porn had contributed to divorces in the previous year."

    I'm guessing the question asked to the lawyers was how many of them had worked on divorces last year where porn was a contributing factor. And if I'm correct, that 62 percent includes lawyers where all their cases were pr0n related plus lawyers where they only had one case. Oh, statistics, you scamp.

    For that matter, it might have included cases where the ladies really enjoyed the smut but their bug-in-the-ass husbands were too prudish. I mean, who reads those romance pulps about turgid members and glistening lady-gates? It ain't dudes.

    1. Boojum

      Or maybe it included cases where one partner turned to porn for fapping material after the other stopped having sex.

    2. prommie

      When you want out, your partner's breathing can drive you to rage, they way they talk while chewing, their laugh, seriously, you cannot take any complaint or allegation in any divorce s evidence of anything, unless it caused scars.

  16. SorosBot

    What are the chances that the Secret Service agents watch porn? Well, since every single post-pubescent person in the world who has access to it watches porn, I would say 100%.

    And yes Mona Charen, we know that includes you; you're not fooling anybody.

  17. HippieEsq

    Dear Porn:

    If you need a lawyer, call me.

    HippieEsq.

    P.S. rates are hourly, sort of like prostitutes.

  18. Limeylizzie

    OT Barry is en route to Kabul just landed in Afghanistan. What's that little stinker up to? Will speak to nation-that's us-tonight.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Probably discussing how best to implement Sharia Law and up heroin shipments to the U.S.

  19. MissTaken

    What about that new Mommy porn book? Does this mean that all the ladies who lunch will turn into hookers while wearing the latest Lululemon?

  20. valthemus

    Lord, please let the Republicans launch a full on campaign against porn and thus guarantee that none of them will never ever win another election again ever. Amen.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Let us not forget that the Red states buy more porn than the Blue states, and that Utah is No. 1!

  21. SheriffRoscoe

    What does Ms Charen think about men who watch porn whilst concurrently fucking a prostitute? Because I, for one, think that is just sick.

      1. GOPCrusher

        See, and that's why I would think it would suck being a porn star. What would do in your free time for entertainment?

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Mona Charen — more boring than most porn. And still not amusing when you hit fast forward.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      She doesn't get any better if you add a bow-chicka-bow-wow soundtrack either.

  23. orygoon

    The Spare recently told me that if porn were banished from the Web, the intertubes would collapse to have one website only

    –which would be called "BRING BACK THE PORN"

  24. Geminisunmars

    It is all the fault of modern civilization. Before the internet, before movies, and magazines and printed material, prostitution didn't exist.

  25. Jus_Wonderin

    I mean, with a name like Mona Charen…she's 1/2 way there. Sign up hun. It's just a few minutes of faked ecstacy.

  26. Geminisunmars

    '50s smoking Betty became '60s Smokin' Betty Draper. (aka Washing Machine Betty.)

  27. keinsignal

    Good god, that might be the most… prim thing I've ever read. I wonder what it must be like inside this woman's skull. (I mean, what are her thought processes like, not, um, whatever you were thinking I meant).

    I am guessing either she is secretly full-tilt gonzo Orly-Taitz-level crazy in the sack, or else she's so fully inhibited she's had her asshole surgically removed for aesthetic purposes.

  28. SoBeach

    Wait a minute. I thought the Secret Service dudes hired hookers because, duh, Obama.

    Now it's because of porn?

    Only way to resolve this and restore order to the universe is to blame Obama for porn.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      In her next column Mona will explain that porn is because of Obama, because you know how the blahs are with their smooth, sultry voices, cool moves and huge penii and "take me now Barack Mandinka! take me now!"

  29. Chichikovovich

    In Greek mythology, Charon was the ferryman who carried souls from the vibrant world of the living to the joyless, bleak underworld, devoid of pleasure or hope.

    What? I'm just passing on a piece of information, is all.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      We were also introduced to Lokai and Bele from the planet Cheron. "But can't you see? He's black on the left side. I'm black on the right side."

  30. Chow Yun Flat

    This is a conclusion drawn in Paul’s book, despite the fact that it is, in Charen’s words “hard to prove with statistics.” rational thought.

  31. Terry

    So, before the internet and cable tv made porn readily available, men were innocents who didn't know how to obtain porn? Wasn't it at most gas stations and convenience stores, let alone those adult stores over in the dodgy part of town?

    1. SoBeach

      And before that it was available in statues, mosaics, paintings, literature, poetry, music…

  32. OneYieldRegular

    The Way We Science Now:

    At a 2003 meeting of the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 62 percent of attendees said that Internet porn had contributed to divorces in the previous year.

    "Hi, excuse me, I'm taking a poll. Did internet porn contribute to any divorce last year?"

    "Well, maybe, yeah, probably."

    "Thanks."

  33. Mahousu

    Actually, the heart of the matter is that certain Secret Service agents are cheapskates. If she says $300, you don't give her $30 and pretend you got confused about currency conversion rates.

    I'll bet these same guys are also bad tippers at restaurants. Now there is a major crime.

  34. JustPixelz

    "…62 percent of attendees said that Internet porn had contributed to divorces in the previous year."

    What the fuck kind of statistic is that? If an attendee had just one case that involved porn or heard of a case that involved porn or imagined a case that involved porn, he or she would be part of the 62%.

    Meanwhile, demand for porn rises because of fear of STDs, lower costs thanks to market forces, and — it must be said — freedom. Some of those are good things from a Mona Charen perspective.

  35. Callyson

    At a 2003 meeting of the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 62 percent of attendees said that Internet porn had contributed to divorces in the previous year.

    It's my turn at the computer!

    No, it's *my* turn!

    That's it, this marriage is over…

  36. elburritodeluxe

    This country has gone downhill since the Democrats invented pornography in the 60s.

  37. BornInATrailer

    Townhall comment:
    "Troll writes: "Nothing wrong with pornography."

    I'm afraid that there is, Troll. If you collect and view pornography, you're a dirtbag. That's just how it is, and for obvious reasons."

    But what if it is all porn I made? I'd like to hear the argument against that. And I'd reply if I had a townhall.com login. Which I don't. Because I'm not insane.

  38. gurukalehuru

    Oh, Mona, Mona, Mona, Secret Service guys aren't addicted to porn -they're addicted to poon. Of course, porn is all about poon, but so is everything, really.

  39. Wile E. Quixote

    So since the state of Utah has the highest rate of internet porn consumption in the United States does this mean that we shouldn't vote for Mitt Romney in November. After all, he's a Mormon too, I can just imagine how much time he spends surfing sites where the women aren't wearing magical underwear made out of old flour sacks.

    1. GOPCrusher

      And since everything is available on the Internet, right now in some trailer in Provo, UT. some guy his pulling his pud looking at a website dedicated to women that wear underwear made from old flour sacks.

  40. Wile E. Quixote

    I wonder if she wrote this column while she was waiting for a plumber to show up and lay some pipe, if you know what I mean.

  41. Chet Kincaid

    Mona Charen is a modern day Carrie Nation, going house to house with her battle-axe of Sexless Love, breaking filthy husbands' porn-covered laptop monitors!! Put it away or lose it, degenerates!!

  42. Gainsbourg69

    All I know about the fifties is that grandpa had a house for the family and a tiny apartment he shared with a lady friend. Oh, and grandma went to mass every day.

  43. criminogenic

    Wonkette fail: where is Princess Leia dancing for Jabba? it is inherant to any imagery of formative porn and a lack there-of, a fortiori, diminishes all following discussion.

    Engage tractor beam!

    hey lady you've just engaged my tractor beam!

  44. DocChaos

    It's a widely known fact, that prior to the wide availability of porn, prostitution was virtually unknown.

    As any conservative can tell you, this is really the fault of feminists and gays. Feminists for insisting men consider the wishes of their sexual partners, something porn doesn't demand, and the gays for making them think about buttsex, which their spouses are often reluctant to provide, but porn stars apparently can't get enough of.

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