Congressman, The Hague would like a word.Oh, Florida Congressman/war criminal Allen West, what would our days and nights be without you saying crazy shit and committing war crimes? QUICK, WATCH OUT, a TERRORIST! Haha, made you look. But whyfore are you mad NOW, Mister Congressman? Let us visit MyFace, the thinking man and woman’s repository for the greatest in political word vomit, and find out!

On Saturday night I was honored to be invited to the White House Correspondents Association dinner. There was much glam, glamour, and humor flowing. However, as I walked from the Washington Hilton in the rain to catch the METRO back to the Batcave, I pondered life outside that ballroom and the pomp. While the President laughs and dines, our Constitutional Republic is eroding and my countrymen are suffering. In this election year, it is sad to think that some of those who were sitting in that ballroom Saturday night laughing and living it up, are helping to perpetuate the manipulation and deception of our country.

What about you, Allen West? Did you also laugh and dine, or did you have your petit filet and eat it too?

We are sure Congressman West did not in fact laugh, as his face was frozen into a permanent scowl sometime in the Carter Administration. But did he dine? On:

Salad: Black Lentil Terrine with lump Crabmeat, Tango Green and Red Artisan Greens, Red and Yellow Tear Drop Tomatoes — drizzled with a Dill Vinaigrette

Bread Presentation: Seven-Grain Rolls, White and Wheat Rolls; Sourdough Rolls, Flatbreads and butter

Entrée: Texas Rubbed Petite Filet with a Calvados Demi, paired with Duo of Jumbo Shrimp seasoned with Red Curry; Roasted Haricot Verts, Baby Pepper, Patty Pan Squash; Tasso Mache Choux Risotto

Dessert: The Galaxy — Rich Chocolate Truffle Mousse layered with Chocolate Genoise and Almond Macaroon, Ganache Truffle Center finished in a chocolate glaze, garnished with fresh raspberries

Freshly brewed regular and decaff coffee; variety of regular and herbal teas

Wines: Estancia Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon

Fuck that noise! “Haricot verts”? “Black lentil terrine”? That is Whole Foods Hippie Socialist Vegan Volvo Nonsense, and Allen West is a real American, the dead-eyed kind. Instead, he just pulled an alligator MRE from his suit pocket and consumed it in mirthless anger, as that is just how Allen West rolls.

(Also, The Hill points out that Jimmy Kimmel zinged West, so that is probably why he is butt-hurt, besides all the other reasons he is butt-hurt forever. We do not know, as we did not watch Jimmy Kimmel, because he is not Barack Obama duh.) [Facebook, via TheHill]

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  • nounverb911

    Allen, how's that search for commies in the House going?

  • Barb

    "Sourdough Rolls"
    Sounds like a shirtless Newt.

    • yrbmegr

      "Texas rubbed" filet. Fires the imagination, it does.

  • nounverb911

    West should be happy that Barry didn't send Seal Team Six after him.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    This dude is not very self aware. Damn. Can he even fog a mirror?

  • bumfug

    Yeah, ya fuckin' commie! You don't see republican's winin' and dinin' while people suffer! Why I oughta…

  • metamarcisf

    If he doesn't end us as the VP nominee, West has a standing offer to become chairman of Nabisco's Oreo Cookie Division.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      They make crackers too, don't they?

      • nounverb911

        Wouldn't West need to move to Georgia then?

  • Poindexter718

    He's just lashing out now b/c he didn't hook up at the party.

  • Did they show the movie of GWB searching fruitlessly for West's self-awareness?

    • HippieEsq

      Ha! West did leave early, so maybe he went searching for it himself.

  • SorosBot

    "While the President laughs and dines, our Constitutional Republic is eroding and my countrymen are suffering."

    No, that's what happened from 2001 to 2008; the Constitution is no longer being shredded now, remember?

    • pdiddycornchips

      The only possible solution to this eroding and suffering is more tax cuts for rich people.
      And porn caused Planned Parenthood too, also.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Now watch this drive!

  • JustPixelz

    "…back to the Batcave…"

    One of the biggest problems America faces is politicians who think they are living in a comic book. West as Batman. Michele Bachmann as Lucy. John Boehner as BonerMan.

    • Guppy

      Which one is living out Family Circus?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Lindsey Graham will have you know that she just fabulous in her Wonder Woman costume and can't wait to tie up Allen WestBatman with her magic lasso and make him tell the truth.

      • Guppy

        Do you like me?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I am pretty sure that politics is beginning to disgust me…just a bit.

  • SayItWithWookies

    He sure does know how to bite the hand that hasn't sent him to Leavenworth yet.

  • lefty74

    I think this stupid bastard has not figured out how he got to DC. He is certainly showing us that he knows how to punch his ticket outa there. Keep fucking talking dickhead.

  • MissTaken

    as I walked from the Washington Hilton in the rain to catch the METRO back to the Batcave

    Allen, being Batshit does not make one Batman.

    • NewYorkJew

      Maybe Allen West forgot that his name isn't ADAM?

      • SorosBot

        But um, wouldn't that joke work better if he didn't almost share the name with the by far worst screen Batman there ever was?

        • MissTaken




    • Words of wisdom!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No, but having a Bat-costume with a pair of nipples on it like George Clooney's in Batman and Robin does. So there.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Black Lentils are intimidating voters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Radiotherapy

    Humorless sociopath is humorless.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Let's all just laugh and dine, ok? We can feel guilty about it later. That's how Roscoe rolls.

  • Poindexter718

    The last time Urkel had an idea this big, he got to go up in teh space shuttle!

  • The Batcave? Should we be allowing the certifiably insane to hold office? I guess this explains his delusions of persecution.

    • NewYorkJew

      I guess when you get to eat "The Galaxy" for dessert …

  • widestanceromance

    If I had seen him walking in the rain (feeling like a woman, looking like a man), I would have wondered why Grace Jones had just let herself run to fat.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Grace Jones libel…
      …and she will still kick the crap out of you at age 63.

      • widestanceromance

        I lurve that woman enough to have waited for 2+ hours for her to finally appear on stage once (anyone remember Trax(x?)) only to have her show up and grunt through maybe 2 songs. I think using her name to trash West just this once makes us even and I'll be screaming this as the crap is being beaten out of me.

  • Schmannnity

    The Metro back to your Batcave? Riddle me this Batman: Where's your Batmobile you subway riding elitest?

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Whenever somebody crowds the plate like this asshole, I throw at them. I aim for their goddam eyeball. They can train for a job as telescope operator we they fuckin' recover.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Could not agree more – a little chin music to jelly up their knees a bit, but this guy, throw behind his head so he leans right back into it…

  • You know what makes me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FURIOUS???? Assholes who write snarky comments on websites like this one. I mean, are you people even aware of the real problems this world faces – or do you just make jokes out of everything.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      see, can't make jokes out of everything.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        my deleted comment was deleted.

        • SheriffRoscoe

          I bet I can guess what it said.

          • Blueb4sunrise


          • I'M not gonna say it.

    • Steverino247

      Two Wonkette posters walk into a bar. "Hey, who put this fucking bar here?"

    • Too self-aware; not self-aware enough. You can't explain it.

    • HistoriCat

      Seems everything is funny to you Wonkette.

    • hunnybee

      yeah. we make jokes out of everything cause we simple minded. we can't help ourselves.

  • Allen West's Unhappy Meals

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    Damn, that ROTC kid has more medals than Hermann Goering.
    Ironically, he is standing next to him.

    • Steverino247

      You have to wonder just how many medals you can get in ROTC? Any vets in the area would be pointing and laughing their asses off.

      • Hedley_Lamarr

        They get stuff for showing up, tying their shoes correctly, making food by themselves and not forgetting to wipe. All of which they forget when they become active duty officers. We made merciless fun of those little pricks when I was on active duty.

        • Steverino247


          (Closes eyes, expecting to hear "DItto?! You provincial putz!")

  • Allen, next time you are welcome to watch it from home while you dine Ramen Noodles. Until then, STFU.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    February 2009: At the Alfred E. Smith memorial dinner, President George W. Bush Bush gazed around the diamond-studded $800-a-plate crowd and commented on the wealth on display.

    "This is an impressive crowd – the haves and the have-mores," quipped the GOP standard-bearer. "Some people call you the elites; I call you my base."

    Somewhere in the world West was insufferable and dodging friendly fire.

    • Chichikovovich

      At that point West had already been sent home, on account of that whole "violating articles 128 (assault) and 134 (general article) of the Uniform Code of Military Justice" thing.

  • prommie

    It was just like when Homer wiped his face and blew his nose on the Stonecutters sacred Charter.

  • Who the hell does Obama think he is attending this White House Correspondents Dinner anyway??? The President or something???

  • Goonemeritus

    “In this election year, it is sad to think that some of those who were sitting in that ballroom Saturday night laughing and living it up, are helping to perpetuate the manipulation and deception of our country.”

    As a Tea-Party” Conservative I’m sure he was in a good position to recognize his fellow caucus members. I have even heard it said that there are at least 62 card carrying members of Nazi party in the house.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Also, I've never been to a dinner with a bread presentation that is actually called as such. How much life have I been missing out on?

    • swordfis

      It's where Mitt gets to show off all his bread.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Whatcho talkin' 'bout, Willis?

  • ttommyunger

    This idiot is delighted to see his name mentioned anywhere, even here. I would prefer we not continue to stroke his massively misplaced ego any further. He's like the gay pitcher who walked the losing run in during the last game of the World Series: when the crowd roared: "You cocksucker!" He smiled and said to himself, "That's what I like: recognition!".

    • I do some of my best snark on Allen.

      • ttommyunger

        Low-hanging fruit, my friend. You can do better.

    • hunnybee

      scathingly brilliant. as usual.

      • ttommyunger

        I try; thank you.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I think that, whenever one party is Very Very Concerned About The State Of the Country, all laughter and dining should be suspended until decency and order have been restored.

  • James Michael Curley

    Without "American heroes" like Allen West all shouty and biased and xenophobic we wouldn't need American heroes.

  • Chichikovovich

    Fuck that noise! “Haricot verts”?

    I absolutely agree, Commiemomskid. Haricots verts. Those illiterate journalists want to be all fancy-like, and they can't even get number agreement between noun and adjective in a language that requires it.

    (Also: They're green beans. No amount of renaming can make green beans not suck.)

    Colin de bin!

    • You lie! That means varicose veins!

    • Cook 'em with a little sambal blachan and some red hot chillis, ground pork, shallots, and garlic, and I'll bet ten thousand dollars you'll be calling for seconds.

      • Chichikovovich

        I have no doubt I would. I'd shout “moreground pork cooked withsambal blachan, red hot chillis, shallots, and garlic, please. Hold the beans!”—

        • There's just no curing you, eh? Try 'em with sliced browned shallots and almonds? We'll all be living on hobo beans soon enough, old chap.

  • littlebigdaddy

    He got on the Metro? Elitist! Real mercans drive pickups adorned with truck nutz!

  • Allen West and the Talentless Tenth. W.E.B. Du Bois wept.

  • Mahousu

    Red Artisan Greens = Communist Union Ecoterrorists

  • Baconzgood

    Bitch bitch bitch. Only this guy could make a nice meal and some lulz and turn it political.

  • Ruhe

    Dude, why so hatey towards Opey? "He tasks me. That Kenyan impostor tasks me!"

  • DaRooster

    "I cried in my Galaxy."

  • mavenmaven

    He rode the metro? Wasn't he supposed to drive the getaway car or something?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    West was undoubtedly just scouting out the commies in their natural environment before he goes all war criminal on their asses.

  • What's impressive is that whereas most critical voices regard the White House Correspondents dinner as a establishmentarian circle-jerk among prostitutes for access, Allen West's criticism is that, because America has a free press, some reporters sometimes report things contrary to Allen West's politics, which by definition, Makes America Weak.

    Because -and I can't continue to stress this point nearly enough- Allen West is literally a textbook-definition fascist.

  • the Batcave

    I assume that's supposed to be an Adam West reference.

    Sadly, Mayor Adam West would make a better Congressman.

  • Nostrildamus

    West needs some pénis chez le rat salée dans la réduction de vin blanc.

  • HippieEsq

    Allen West rides metro? Is he behind the spike in sexual harrassment of metro-ridres via groping/rubbing on crowded metro trains? I swear it's not me….

  • Guppy

    No arugula?

  • Callyson

    "Now watch this drive."

  • rickmaci

    You know who else wrote about his belief the elite of his country were sitting around their banquet tables "laughing and living it up" and were "helping to perpetuate the manipulation and deception" of the country"?

    • Ken Layne?

    • hunnybee

      Hermann Goering?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Adam Richman?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    In this election year, it is sad to think that some of those who were sitting in that ballroom Saturday night laughing and living it up, are helping to perpetuate the manipulation and deception of our country.

    That's funny, given that West is one of "those".

    • Pithaughn

      Those. What a nice word, so utilitarian. In this case those liberal medias what with their tubes and biases. My local conservatives are full circle back to the "media is liberal and liberally biased". I guess having bought enough ammo to fill their crawl space they had to find a new hobby.

      • "enough ammo to fill their crawl space "


      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "those" = plural of "that one"

  • Eve8Apples

    How dare the President laugh and dine while Allen West is laughing and dining.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    However, as I walked from the Washington Hilton in the rain to catch the METRO back to the Batcave

    The Batcave being the hottest new superhero themed gay bar in Georgetown.

  • CapnFatback

    There was much glam, glamour, and humor flowing.

    Much glam AND glamour? Was the opening act headlined by Gary Glitter and the surviving members of the New York Dolls?

  • CapnFatback

    Oh, wait. Glam + humor = glamour! Well, in the spirit of the portmanteau, I'd like to propose that Allan West is a real piece of sh(arp w)it.

  • From the ongoing trash-bin of Allen West Facebook blog paragraphs redacted at the last minute by his ever-vigilant Chief Of Staff:

    "The derisive, mocking lilt of laughter from the mouth of the insouciantly smiling Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was a particular insult to the august principles on which this country was founded. If 'Ms.' Schultz is so enamored of the ethics and mores of this nation's enemies, let her don layers of filmy cloth, a blousey costume exposing the creamy flesh of her midriff, and a pair of those curly-pointed shoes, for the Dance Of The Seven Veils!! I am free later this evening."

  • whiterabid

    You would think, if the President was going to laugh and dine while our Constitution erodes, then he should at least drink a wine with a Chateau in the name — not Estancia.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    However, as I walked from the Washington Hilton in the rain to catch the METRO back to the Batcave, I pondered life outside that ballroom and the pomp. While the President laughs and dines, our Constitutional Republic is eroding and my countrymen are suffering. In this election year, it is sad to think that some of those who were sitting in that ballroom Saturday night laughing and living it up, are helping to perpetuate the manipulation and deception of our country.

    When I read the quote above the comic book hero that comes to mind isn't Batman but Rorschach from Watchmen.

    Rorschach's Journal: October 12th, 1985: Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"… and I'll whisper "no."

  • OneDollarJuana

    "glam, glamour, and humor flowing".

    He forgot to complete the series: glam, glamour, humor, hum

  • timbo71351

    Dear Florida voters,

    Fuck you for electing this massive asshole.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Jeez! If I had to say that every time a massive asshole was elected I'd be talking into next month.

    • hunnybee

      yep. and with no grease and sand

  • Judith_Priest

    A nice young man named Patrick Murphy is running against Allen West this year.

    Cruise on over to Act Blue and consider making that nice young man a hefty donation.

  • Oswald: Obama has a very great talent. I don't think you are aware how great it is. But he is attempting to use that very talent against the Republic.

    Allen West: He is a very appealing President.

    Oswald: Indeed he is, Mr. West. A very charismatic President. A rather … treasonous President, if I may be so bold, Sir.

    Allen West: It's the media. They interfere!

    Oswald: Perhaps … a meeting with the President might be in order, if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps … a bit more. Mr. Kennedy worked against the national interest at first. But I corrected him, Sir.

    Allen West: There is wisdom in your words. Pour me another!

  • stncmchnc

    Blah Herman Munster has a Batcave? Holy batshit! Of course he has a Batcave.

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