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FBI Foils Stupid Jerk Anarchists’ Stupid Violent May Day Nonsense

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Seriously fuck you guysDear “Anarchists,” no one likes you, stop trying to blow shit up even if it IS the Federal Reserve. (A bridge? You wanna blow up a BRIDGE? The kind the WORKING MAN drives on, with his fambly? Way to stick it to The Man, dicks.)

CLEVELAND, Ohio – The FBI arrested five men Monday evening, saying they had planted what they believed were explosive devices under the Ohio 82 bridge over Cuyahoga Valley National Park as part of a May Day protest today.

The five men were “self-proclaimed anarchists,” who intended to detonate two improvised explosive devices (IEDs) under the bridge in Sagamore Hills, but had purchased the inert devices from undercover FBI agents, officials said.

Fuck you and the Black Bloc you rode in on. And your Ron Paul ReLOVEution apparently forgot the “LOVE” part:

[Douglas] Wright had also talked about “getting a car that they can drive into the Federal Reserve Bank” in Cleveland to blow it up, according to an affidavit from FBI Special Agent Ryan Taylo.

Meanwhile, here is some dude getting all PC and shit:

The arrests Monday evening show that “the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,” said Steven M. Dettelbach, United States Attorney for the Northern District of Ohio.

Sponsored Intermission

Sure, if by “many hues and many homelands” you mean “stupid fucking white men.” Can the TSA please update its racial profiling manual now? Yeah, that’d be great, thanks. [PlainDealer]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Rand Paul to immediately investigate the FBI for preventing the destruction of the Federal Reserve.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guys just love blowin' shit up. It's genetic.

    • rickmaci

      Not all guys. Mostly limp weenie white guys who seem to have an erotic thrill from getting together and setting off explosions.

  • Canmon

    Now they can occupy a jail cell.

  • DaRooster

    Man, Barry sure is responsible for this.

  • Baconzgood

    If you blew up a piece of the Cleveland area would anyone really notice?

    • nounverb911

      Depends, how are the Indians doing this year?

      • Baconzgood

        No matter how the tribe does or how many Rock and Roll hall of fames they build, Cleveland is still and will always be The Mistake By the Lake.

        BROWNS SUCK!!!!!!

        • SorosBot

          What the fuck did they build the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there for, anyway? Shouldn't they have built it in a city that, oh I don't know, had something, anything to do with the history of rock and roll?

          • DaRooster

            Yeah, like Cincinnati… you know… WKRP!!

          • nounverb911

            Needs more flying turkeys.

          • elviouslyqueer
          • sullivanst

            SPINAL TAP LIBEL!

          • Exhausted66

            The very term "Rock n' Roll" was coined in Cleveland by deejay Alan Freed.

          • SorosBot

            And that's reason enough to put the HOF in a shitty small city that there is no reason to want to visit like Cleveland?

          • WunkRocker

            BUCKEYE LIBEL. OH has a pretty rich Rock-n-Roll history. Rocket From the Tomb, Dead Boys, Pere Ubu, Devo, Guided by Voices, Ohio Players, Zapp, Bootsy, meh The Black Keys, Breeders, Ass Ponys, a lot of bands. And a lot of people that went on to be influential. Still the state sucks. No wonder ma & pa left Toledo.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Greg Dulli Libel!!!

          • Isyaignert

            Believe it or not the term "rock and roll" was coined by DJ Alan Freed in Cleveland in the 1950s when describing how the teenagers were dancing to this new music – he said they were "rocking and rolling." No lie.

    • Isyaignert

      I lived there for four years in the 1980s and it was a pretty cool place. Lots of fun times to be had in the gorgeous park system and wonderful museums, etc. My friend who still lives there says that the once-vibrant downtown is a mess – every other storefront is boarded up. Sad, but at least the Cuyahoga River hasn't caught fire for a while.

      • Guppy

        Your City Was Gone?

        • sullivanst

          Happens a lot in Ohio, it seems. That one got me, I have fond childhood memories of the Dayton area.

    • glasspusher

      I lived there for 5 years (grad school) and had to look up where this was on a map. When someone asked me "which bridge?" I replied that I didn't recall them naming bridges in Cleveland…

  • Blueb4sunrise

    There are still bridges in Ohio?

    • nounverb911

      I thought all the burning rivers melted the bridges.

  • Barb

    "….getting a car that they can drive into the Federal Reserve Bank” in Cleveland to blow it up…"

    I would stand outside naked and let the flying money float all over my flesh. I've always wanted to be Ann Romney for a day.

    • nounverb911

      Even if you had to be married to Mitt (temporarily)?

      • Barb

        Yikes! Is it too late to change my mind, Sweetie?

        • nounverb911

          Do Mormons divorce?

          • rickmaci

            They do. But they call it serial polygamy.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I like the sound of that. Though only one day. And I would not be her for a night if God asked me to do it. JW shudders at the thought.

    • Steverino247

      I'll lick it all off you. (Even though it doesn't stick, you will still need a good tonguing, I"m sure.)

    • MosesInvests

      Pics? (he asks, hopefully)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Good old Federal Bureau of Intrapment. The only surprise here is these guys aren't Muslim.

  • bumfug

    And I thought I was born too late and missed the good old days of the Wobblies and "bomb-throwing anarchists". Woohoo!

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Yeah, the days when "anarchist" really meant something (besides basement dwelling, cheeto dust covered, reLOVE utionary).

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Ot: sorta. How is it possible to have 8 comments and 0 views???? Do you firsties slip your comments between the Wonkette molecules?

    • MrFizzy

      Coming from a 110 pee score, I can assure you it's a right-left wing conspiracy to repress the masses. Rise up I say! Let my Wonkers go!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        And heeeere's our resident anarchist! I'm gonna have Barb and MissTaken escort you to "Guantanamo," now.


        • MissTaken

          I'm a waterbroad, not a waterboard!

        • MrFizzy

          Uh oh – anticipatory drool! Words of the immortal Ed Sanders.

    • Baconzgood

      It's all done with magnets.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Ah, I do hope bacon grease is involved too, Bacon.

      • glasspusher

        Does the Pauli exclusion principle apply to first posts?

        • sullivanst

          Isn't it obvious that they obey Fermi-Dirac statistics?

          • glasspusher

            Wow, double blast from the past. I knew a professor when I was at CWRU that declared that statistical thermodynamics was "intuitively obvious". The undergrads largely disagreed…

          • sullivanst

            Yeah, I'm on your side on that one. I fond that attempting to think of what was happening at the molecular level seriously inhibited my ability to get the calculations right, it was much easier to stop visualising and just do the math.Not sure which theorem he was discussing, but one of the math lecturers at college declared of one result:

            This is trivial. Until you start thinking about it, when it becomes non-trivial. Then you think about it very hard for a long time, and realize it was trivial all along.

            Needless to say, his students started to wonder if he was on crack at that point.

  • Burgdorf

    Check out Fox News' article on this, last line: "It is unknown if the bridge incident was connected to Occupy Wall Street's plans for nationwide protests Tuesday"

    It is unknown if Fox is intentionally implying a link.
    It is unknown if Fox is a bunch of douches.
    It is unknown if Fox is run by giant galactic space lizards…

    • MrFizzy

      It is known that Murdoch is a human colostomy bag.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        No, actually, that's pretty much been established.

    • DaRooster

      "It is unknown if Fox is a bunch of douches. "

      Nuh uh.

    • sullivanst

      Although apparently it is known that Rupert Murdoch is "unfit to run a global company"

      • HELisforHEL

        That report made my day when I heard it.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Like these losers could ever get a car (that runs).

    Fuck off, Paultard assholes!

  • freakishlywrong

    Racial profiling only applies to those with a "race". Everyone knows being white and an asshole is the default, and everything else is brown. Therefore a "race". Profile away, cuntz!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "…“the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,” This is going to piss the wingtards clean off. Doesn't Steven M. Dettelbach know it's okay when white guys do this (see also bombing abortion clinics, killing abortion doctors and blowing up federal buildings)?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wow, this Haymarket Rally sequel really sucks….

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    When will Obama and his secret lover Bill Ayers apologize for this?!

  • MrFizzy

    I think the cretin ratio in this country is going up, and it ain't because of immigration.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      No, they're just better at outing themselves in this exciting new internet age.

  • prommie

    Ah, so, FBI informants recruited some 'anarchists," encouraged them to plot to blow up a bridge, provided them with explosive to blow up a bridge, egged them on to blow up a bridge, and then arrested them for trying to blow up a bridge.

    Got it, anarchists are dangerous, thank god the FBI saved us.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, the alternative (as played out in SF) is the anarchists not telling anyone what they are planning, then fucking with the spirit of an Occupy event by going on a juvenile destructive rampage that just pisses everyone off. So yeah, thanks for the feebs.

    • Guppy

      The scheduling around 5/1 was a bit tight.

  • SexySmurf

    I went to an Anarchist bookfair a few years ago. I have never smelled worse BO in my life.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Worse than a middle school?

      • SexySmurf

        Way worse. You could literally see the cloud of BO hanging over the room.

        (And I mean literally literally. It was a yellowish hue, and I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me.)

    • JustPixelz

      Say what you will about the Tea Party and its crusade to destroy America by replacing the social contract with an 18th century fantasy, but they use toiletries to mask the stench of intolerance and selfishness that roils beneath their skin.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      "I have never smelled worse BO in my life. " Barack Obama pervades everything!

  • Schmannnity

    Big Jim McBob and Billie Sol Hurok: May the good lord take a likin' to you and blow you up real soon!

  • MissTaken

    I so old that anarchy is no longer cool and Sex Pistol-y. Now it's just obnoxious and annoying.

    Get off my lawn, you anarchists!

  • ZHollows

    As one who leans heavily into the anarchist philosophy side of the political spectrum, I always cringe and shake my head in shame that some people, usually the "self proclaimed anarchist" types, don't ever actually read any anarchist philosophical literature (Goldman, Kropotkin, Proudhon, etc) to understand what it is all about (not throwing bombs or fucking up shit that was built by people on your fucking side!). Way to marginalize yourself dudes. Oh! And thanks for making it difficult for people like me to try to explain to those who only read articles about "bomb throwing anarchists" what anarchist philosophy really stands for. Ugh. Sigh. Ugh.

    • doloras

      I used to love Emma Goldman until I read her nasty little article on why "Trotsky (and Trotsky's family, including his murdered son) Deserves Everything He Gets".

      • ZHollows

        I think that Trotsky's role in the suppression of the Kronstadt uprising was probably a bit of a sore spot for Goldman. Or, maybe every writer ends up writing some pieces they wish they hadn't. Who knows?

  • Radiotherapy

    Well, Ohio is, after all, one of those battleground states.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I remember seeing this anarchist bloc at an anti-war rally around about '03. They were wearing trench coats and carrying clubs. A group of us commented on how they really didn't get the concept of "peace rally."

    Also, fuck them.

  • hagajim

    Dear “Anarchists,” no one likes you – I think that pretty much covers it.

  • Goonemeritus

    Anarchists need to start focus grouping their mission statement. I have never seen a group with a wider standard deviation of beliefs.

    • ZHollows

      Except for maybe Democrats?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They're very inclusive: Hate whoever's in charge, no matter who's in charge, and you're in.

    • HELisforHEL

      Free Mumia! Or whatever his name is.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The bridge between their mis-firing neurons collapsed a long time ago. Idjuts.

  • smoothmineral

    Or as this story will soon read in the wingnut media, "New Black (Obama) Panthers Blow Up Bank."

  • Chichikovovich

    Only tangentially related, but a favorite memory: about 25 years ago I was hanging out with a bunch of friends who worked for a big international relief organization. One program officer was just back from Haiti, and was describing how hopeless he thought things were there: "It's not just that there is hardly any economic activity and no financial resources and [long list of problems is recounted] but above and beyond that, nobody is organized. Not the government, not any of the groups we would like to fund, not the medical authorities, nobody is organized". Then he added, completely unselfawarely, and without irony: "Well, except for the anarchists."

  • EatsBabyDingos

    They also intended to blow up a bus, but they but they kept burning their lips on the tailpipe.

    • freakishlywrong

      I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

  • SorosBot

    And anarchists, thanks for all the hard work you've done over the years for giving the media easy ammunition to paint any left-wing protests as being just a bunch of violent angry idiots with no message like you! (See turning the Seattle WTO protests into a riot, for a simple example).

    • MissTaken

      See also: Oakland last fall during Occupy Oakland.

      • SorosBot

        Thanks again, douchebags, for ruining peaceful protests over real grievances with your "I just wanna smash some shit" bullshit!

    • dadanarchist

      The cops turned the WTO protest into a riot. I was there. The gas started flying at 9am, hours before the first windows were broken.

  • iburl

    "had purchased the inert devices from undercover FBI agents, officials said."

    Not surprising since all of them are probably FBI agents to begin with.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Anarchist — it doesn't describe a political belief so much as the state of the belief-holder's political thought.

  • Blueb4sunrise
    • SayItWithWookies

      How they got three of them to wear the sama baja is a mystery.

  • chascates

    And don't think all anarchists are violent (go anarcho-syndicalists!!!) any more than all Muslims are violent jihadis!!!!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Hmmmm, we'd like you to answer a few questions. Just real friendly like.

      • chascates

        The love of liberty and the sense of human dignity are the basic elements of the Anarchist creed.
        –Frederica Montseny

  • ElPinche

    “the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,”

    That also applies to prison cock.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Anarchy and free beer is all I want.

  • Radiotherapy

    True story: Radio once drove a car into the Cuyahoga River. Don't tell the FBI.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      What color was the car?

    • chicken_thief

      I'm surprised it sank.

      • Radiotherapy

        It didn't, that was the problem.

    • Negropolis

      Trust me, they wouldn't care. I imagine there are more cars in the Cuyahoga than can be counted.

  • sullivanst

    It's amazing that after all these years, the morons still haven't learned that in America, if someone's offering to sell you explosives, the odds are about a million to one on that they're an FBI agent. I mean, yes, they're morons, but c'mon, man!

    • swordfis

      The FBI probably screens its targets for the gullible.

  • FNMA

    For some reason, a phrase from the very funny "Veep" comes to mind. "Weapons-grade (word I think we're not allowed to use here that beings with an "r.")"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "R" of Mass Dysfunction?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Aren't all anarchists 'self-proclaimed'?

    • Geminisunmars

      Except for the ones that are thus-proclaimed by the International Institute of Anarchy by achieving the Order of High Chaos. But that takes years of steady discipline.

  • StarsUponThars

    If you want to blow shit up, join the Army. They'll train you how to do it and pay you for the privilege.

  • qwerty42

    This kind of quote always shows up:
    …The five men were “self-proclaimed anarchists,” …
    As opposed to the fully-credentialed kind? Is it like a seminary or service academy or is there just a licensing bureau? We need real anarchists, not the so-called "self-proclaimed" kind.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No kidding. I refuse to deal with "self-proclaimed" anarchists. I make sure to take my anarchy trade to reputable, ISO-9001 certified, fair-trade, cruelty-free, shade-tree-grown, organic anarchists who exercise due diligence and adhere to anarchy industry best practices, like not blowing shit up and not getting entrapped by the FBI.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I also am against being able to conveniently cross narrow bodies of water. Bring back the ferries!

  • KotBR

    Nevermind the fact that the bridge was 15 miles south of the city. Good job on trying to frighten the 8 proles who still have a job in the city, Plain Dealer.

  • mavenmaven

    Instead of blowing things up, they should just watch this Red Fang video over and over again (best video ever made!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQPfQvLIseA

  • chicken_thief

    In a group of six none of the true anarchists could spot the plant? Holy shit….

  • walterhwhite

    Fire in the hole! (I just love "Justified.")

  • CthuNHu

    'Cause nothing says "I am a serious political thinker" like dressing like an asthmatic goth and frantically wreaking violence on one's surroundings in an attempt to sate one's free-floating adolescent rage.

  • lulzmonger

    The worst enemy of anarchism is anarchists.

    I think the main reason they're so fucking angry all the time is that it's obvious to all us SHEEPLE that they're mostly just doing Comicbook Villain Cosplay. Take off the black henchperson duds, step away from the incendiaries & deal with your Daddy issues, guys.

    Puberty: for some, it never ends.

  • HELisforHEL

    What amazes me is that these folks DON'T VOTE. They don't organize constructively, they can't stay on message, they just blow shit up for shit's sake.
    One thing (the ONLY thing) I'll give the Tea Party assholes–they used that Koch money in an efficient way and got enough of their dopes elected to completely stall Congress and get their agenda of stupid on the national stage.
    Anarchists never ever learn…killing/maiming/frightening people only makes your message more hateful. It doesn't change anything in a positive way. As you say, Ms Wonkettress, "no one likes you"…
    If they want to invoke significant change for the good of everyone, ORGANIZE, DELIVER A CONCISE MESSAGE AND VOTE. GAHHHHHHH

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Wright also allegedly complained to the FBI source that "there were not enough anarchists in Cleveland to do what he wanted to do."

    So the FBI had to supply those, too? I'm surprised the Feds were able to keep a straight face while this comic opera was in progress.

  • ttommyunger

    Can't wait for some fucktard to sidle up and offer to sell me some explosives or shit. I will hit that motherfucker so hard his grandkids will have headaches.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Oh, and I'd like to cast a vote for using an IED to blow up anyone who says "improvised explosive device" instead of "bomb." They're bombs people! They're designed to blow shit up and kill and maim people. "Improvised Explosive Device" sounds like a fucking science fair project, so take your fucking euphemism and shove it up your ass.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Once again these "self-proclaimed" anarchists have shown that the biggest problem with anarchy is that the leadership sucks.

  • Negropolis

    I'm interested in why the FBI waits to May 1st to hold a press conference for something that had been planned for months.