GO TO JAIL GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL  11:30 am May 1, 2012

FBI Foils Stupid Jerk Anarchists’ Stupid Violent May Day Nonsense

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Seriously fuck you guysDear “Anarchists,” no one likes you, stop trying to blow shit up even if it IS the Federal Reserve. (A bridge? You wanna blow up a BRIDGE? The kind the WORKING MAN drives on, with his fambly? Way to stick it to The Man, dicks.)

CLEVELAND, Ohio – The FBI arrested five men Monday evening, saying they had planted what they believed were explosive devices under the Ohio 82 bridge over Cuyahoga Valley National Park as part of a May Day protest today.

The five men were “self-proclaimed anarchists,” who intended to detonate two improvised explosive devices (IEDs) under the bridge in Sagamore Hills, but had purchased the inert devices from undercover FBI agents, officials said.

Fuck you and the Black Bloc you rode in on. And your Ron Paul ReLOVEution apparently forgot the “LOVE” part:

[Douglas] Wright had also talked about “getting a car that they can drive into the Federal Reserve Bank” in Cleveland to blow it up, according to an affidavit from FBI Special Agent Ryan Taylo.

Meanwhile, here is some dude getting all PC and shit:

The arrests Monday evening show that “the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,” said Steven M. Dettelbach, United States Attorney for the Northern District of Ohio.

Sure, if by “many hues and many homelands” you mean “stupid fucking white men.” Can the TSA please update its racial profiling manual now? Yeah, that’d be great, thanks. [PlainDealer]

 
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{ 125 comments }

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 11:31 am

Rand Paul to immediately investigate the FBI for preventing the destruction of the Federal Reserve.

BaldarTFlagass May 1, 2012 at 11:34 am

Guys just love blowin' shit up. It's genetic.

rickmaci May 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Not all guys. Mostly limp weenie white guys who seem to have an erotic thrill from getting together and setting off explosions.

Canmon May 1, 2012 at 11:34 am

Now they can occupy a jail cell.

DaRooster May 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

Man, Barry sure is responsible for this.

Baconzgood May 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

If you blew up a piece of the Cleveland area would anyone really notice?

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 11:37 am

Depends, how are the Indians doing this year?

Baconzgood May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

No matter how the tribe does or how many Rock and Roll hall of fames they build, Cleveland is still and will always be The Mistake By the Lake.

BROWNS SUCK!!!!!!

SorosBot May 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

What the fuck did they build the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there for, anyway? Shouldn't they have built it in a city that, oh I don't know, had something, anything to do with the history of rock and roll?

DaRooster May 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

Yeah, like Cincinnati… you know… WKRP!!

elviouslyqueer May 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm
sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

SPINAL TAP LIBEL!

Exhausted66 May 1, 2012 at 12:15 pm

The very term "Rock n' Roll" was coined in Cleveland by deejay Alan Freed.

Isyaignert May 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Believe it or not the term "rock and roll" was coined by DJ Alan Freed in Cleveland in the 1950s when describing how the teenagers were dancing to this new music – he said they were "rocking and rolling." No lie.

Isyaignert May 1, 2012 at 11:43 am

I lived there for four years in the 1980s and it was a pretty cool place. Lots of fun times to be had in the gorgeous park system and wonderful museums, etc. My friend who still lives there says that the once-vibrant downtown is a mess – every other storefront is boarded up. Sad, but at least the Cuyahoga River hasn't caught fire for a while.

Guppy May 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

Your City Was Gone?

sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Happens a lot in Ohio, it seems. That one got me, I have fond childhood memories of the Dayton area.

glasspusher May 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I lived there for 5 years (grad school) and had to look up where this was on a map. When someone asked me "which bridge?" I replied that I didn't recall them naming bridges in Cleveland…

Blueb4sunrise May 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

There are still bridges in Ohio?

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 11:36 am

I thought all the burning rivers melted the bridges.

Barb May 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

"….getting a car that they can drive into the Federal Reserve Bank” in Cleveland to blow it up…"

I would stand outside naked and let the flying money float all over my flesh. I've always wanted to be Ann Romney for a day.

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 11:38 am

Even if you had to be married to Mitt (temporarily)?

Barb May 1, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yikes! Is it too late to change my mind, Sweetie?

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

Do Mormons divorce?

rickmaci May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

They do. But they call it serial polygamy.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am

I like the sound of that. Though only one day. And I would not be her for a night if God asked me to do it. JW shudders at the thought.

Steverino247 May 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I'll lick it all off you. (Even though it doesn't stick, you will still need a good tonguing, I"m sure.)

MosesInvests May 1, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Pics? (he asks, hopefully)

BaldarTFlagass May 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

Good old Federal Bureau of Intrapment. The only surprise here is these guys aren't Muslim.

bumfug May 1, 2012 at 11:36 am

And I thought I was born too late and missed the good old days of the Wobblies and "bomb-throwing anarchists". Woohoo!

DemmeFatale May 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

Yeah, the days when "anarchist" really meant something (besides basement dwelling, cheeto dust covered, reLOVE utionary).

WunkRocker May 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I asked for more Weathermen and I just got more of this guy http://www.kilts.com/custom1.jpg

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 11:37 am

Ot: sorta. How is it possible to have 8 comments and 0 views???? Do you firsties slip your comments between the Wonkette molecules?

MrFizzy May 1, 2012 at 11:43 am

Coming from a 110 pee score, I can assure you it's a right-left wing conspiracy to repress the masses. Rise up I say! Let my Wonkers go!

Lascauxcaveman May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

And heeeere's our resident anarchist! I'm gonna have Barb and MissTaken escort you to "Guantanamo," now.

Enjoy!

MissTaken May 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I'm a waterbroad, not a waterboard!

MrFizzy May 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Uh oh – anticipatory drool! Words of the immortal Ed Sanders.

Baconzgood May 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

It's all done with magnets.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 11:50 am

Ah, I do hope bacon grease is involved too, Bacon.

glasspusher May 1, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Does the Pauli exclusion principle apply to first posts?

sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Isn't it obvious that they obey Fermi-Dirac statistics?

glasspusher May 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Wow, double blast from the past. I knew a professor when I was at CWRU that declared that statistical thermodynamics was "intuitively obvious". The undergrads largely disagreed…

Burgdorf May 1, 2012 at 11:37 am

Check out Fox News' article on this, last line: "It is unknown if the bridge incident was connected to Occupy Wall Street's plans for nationwide protests Tuesday"

It is unknown if Fox is intentionally implying a link.
It is unknown if Fox is a bunch of douches.
It is unknown if Fox is run by giant galactic space lizards…

MrFizzy May 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

It is known that Murdoch is a human colostomy bag.

Lascauxcaveman May 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

No, actually, that's pretty much been established.

DaRooster May 1, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"It is unknown if Fox is a bunch of douches. "

Nuh uh.

sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Although apparently it is known that Rupert Murdoch is "unfit to run a global company"

HELisforHEL May 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

That report made my day when I heard it.

DemmeFatale May 1, 2012 at 11:38 am

Like these losers could ever get a car (that runs).

Fuck off, Paultard assholes!

freakishlywrong May 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

Racial profiling only applies to those with a "race". Everyone knows being white and an asshole is the default, and everything else is brown. Therefore a "race". Profile away, cuntz!

Texan_Bulldog May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am

"…“the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,” This is going to piss the wingtards clean off. Doesn't Steven M. Dettelbach know it's okay when white guys do this (see also bombing abortion clinics, killing abortion doctors and blowing up federal buildings)?

johnnymeatworth May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am

Wow, this Haymarket Rally sequel really sucks….

GuyClinch May 1, 2012 at 11:40 am

When will Obama and his secret lover Bill Ayers apologize for this?!

MrFizzy May 1, 2012 at 11:41 am

I think the cretin ratio in this country is going up, and it ain't because of immigration.

Lascauxcaveman May 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

No, they're just better at outing themselves in this exciting new internet age.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

Ah, so, FBI informants recruited some 'anarchists," encouraged them to plot to blow up a bridge, provided them with explosive to blow up a bridge, egged them on to blow up a bridge, and then arrested them for trying to blow up a bridge.

Got it, anarchists are dangerous, thank god the FBI saved us.

BerkeleyBear May 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

Well, the alternative (as played out in SF) is the anarchists not telling anyone what they are planning, then fucking with the spirit of an Occupy event by going on a juvenile destructive rampage that just pisses everyone off. So yeah, thanks for the feebs.

Guppy May 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

The scheduling around 5/1 was a bit tight.

SexySmurf May 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

I went to an Anarchist bookfair a few years ago. I have never smelled worse BO in my life.

DemmeFatale May 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

Worse than a middle school?

SexySmurf May 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

Way worse. You could literally see the cloud of BO hanging over the room.

(And I mean literally literally. It was a yellowish hue, and I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me.)

JustPixelz May 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

Say what you will about the Tea Party and its crusade to destroy America by replacing the social contract with an 18th century fantasy, but they use toiletries to mask the stench of intolerance and selfishness that roils beneath their skin.

GuyClinch May 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

"I have never smelled worse BO in my life. " Barack Obama pervades everything!

Schmannnity May 1, 2012 at 11:43 am

Big Jim McBob and Billie Sol Hurok: May the good lord take a likin' to you and blow you up real soon!

MissTaken May 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

I so old that anarchy is no longer cool and Sex Pistol-y. Now it's just obnoxious and annoying.

Get off my lawn, you anarchists!

ZHollows May 1, 2012 at 11:45 am

As one who leans heavily into the anarchist philosophy side of the political spectrum, I always cringe and shake my head in shame that some people, usually the "self proclaimed anarchist" types, don't ever actually read any anarchist philosophical literature (Goldman, Kropotkin, Proudhon, etc) to understand what it is all about (not throwing bombs or fucking up shit that was built by people on your fucking side!). Way to marginalize yourself dudes. Oh! And thanks for making it difficult for people like me to try to explain to those who only read articles about "bomb throwing anarchists" what anarchist philosophy really stands for. Ugh. Sigh. Ugh.

doloras May 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I used to love Emma Goldman until I read her nasty little article on why "Trotsky (and Trotsky's family, including his murdered son) Deserves Everything He Gets".

ZHollows May 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

I think that Trotsky's role in the suppression of the Kronstadt uprising was probably a bit of a sore spot for Goldman. Or, maybe every writer ends up writing some pieces they wish they hadn't. Who knows?

Radiotherapy May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

Well, Ohio is, after all, one of those battleground states.

Generation[redacted] May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

I remember seeing this anarchist bloc at an anti-war rally around about '03. They were wearing trench coats and carrying clubs. A group of us commented on how they really didn't get the concept of "peace rally."

Also, fuck them.

hagajim May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

Dear “Anarchists,” no one likes you – I think that pretty much covers it.

Goonemeritus May 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

Anarchists need to start focus grouping their mission statement. I have never seen a group with a wider standard deviation of beliefs.

ZHollows May 1, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Except for maybe Democrats?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

They're very inclusive: Hate whoever's in charge, no matter who's in charge, and you're in.

HELisforHEL May 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Free Mumia! Or whatever his name is.

WhatTheHeck May 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

The bridge between their mis-firing neurons collapsed a long time ago. Idjuts.

smoothmineral May 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

Or as this story will soon read in the wingnut media, "New Black (Obama) Panthers Blow Up Bank."

Chichikovovich May 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

Only tangentially related, but a favorite memory: about 25 years ago I was hanging out with a bunch of friends who worked for a big international relief organization. One program officer was just back from Haiti, and was describing how hopeless he thought things were there: "It's not just that there is hardly any economic activity and no financial resources and [long list of problems is recounted] but above and beyond that, nobody is organized. Not the government, not any of the groups we would like to fund, not the medical authorities, nobody is organized". Then he added, completely unselfawarely, and without irony: "Well, except for the anarchists."

EatsBabyDingos May 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

They also intended to blow up a bus, but they but they kept burning their lips on the tailpipe.

freakishlywrong May 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

SorosBot May 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

And anarchists, thanks for all the hard work you've done over the years for giving the media easy ammunition to paint any left-wing protests as being just a bunch of violent angry idiots with no message like you! (See turning the Seattle WTO protests into a riot, for a simple example).

MissTaken May 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

See also: Oakland last fall during Occupy Oakland.

SorosBot May 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Thanks again, douchebags, for ruining peaceful protests over real grievances with your "I just wanna smash some shit" bullshit!

dadanarchist May 1, 2012 at 9:04 pm

The cops turned the WTO protest into a riot. I was there. The gas started flying at 9am, hours before the first windows were broken.

iburl May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

"had purchased the inert devices from undercover FBI agents, officials said."

Not surprising since all of them are probably FBI agents to begin with.

SayItWithWookies May 1, 2012 at 11:59 am

Anarchist — it doesn't describe a political belief so much as the state of the belief-holder's political thought.

Blueb4sunrise May 1, 2012 at 11:59 am
SayItWithWookies May 1, 2012 at 12:15 pm

How they got three of them to wear the sama baja is a mystery.

chascates May 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm

And don't think all anarchists are violent (go anarcho-syndicalists!!!) any more than all Muslims are violent jihadis!!!!

Blueb4sunrise May 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Hmmmm, we'd like you to answer a few questions. Just real friendly like.

chascates May 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

The love of liberty and the sense of human dignity are the basic elements of the Anarchist creed.
–Frederica Montseny

ElPinche May 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm

“the threat we face is a diverse one and terrorist can come from many hues and many homelands,”

That also applies to prison cock.

CrunchyKnee May 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Anarchy and free beer is all I want.

Radiotherapy May 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm

True story: Radio once drove a car into the Cuyahoga River. Don't tell the FBI.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

What color was the car?

chicken_thief May 1, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I'm surprised it sank.

Radiotherapy May 1, 2012 at 1:12 pm

It didn't, that was the problem.

Negropolis May 2, 2012 at 2:39 am

Trust me, they wouldn't care. I imagine there are more cars in the Cuyahoga than can be counted.

sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It's amazing that after all these years, the morons still haven't learned that in America, if someone's offering to sell you explosives, the odds are about a million to one on that they're an FBI agent. I mean, yes, they're morons, but c'mon, man!

swordfis May 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm

The FBI probably screens its targets for the gullible.

FNMA May 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm

For some reason, a phrase from the very funny "Veep" comes to mind. "Weapons-grade (word I think we're not allowed to use here that beings with an "r.")"

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

"R" of Mass Dysfunction?

Maman May 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Aren't all anarchists 'self-proclaimed'?

Geminisunmars May 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Except for the ones that are thus-proclaimed by the International Institute of Anarchy by achieving the Order of High Chaos. But that takes years of steady discipline.

StarsUponThars May 1, 2012 at 12:16 pm

If you want to blow shit up, join the Army. They'll train you how to do it and pay you for the privilege.

qwerty42 May 1, 2012 at 12:21 pm

This kind of quote always shows up:
…The five men were “self-proclaimed anarchists,” …
As opposed to the fully-credentialed kind? Is it like a seminary or service academy or is there just a licensing bureau? We need real anarchists, not the so-called "self-proclaimed" kind.

Wile E. Quixote May 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

No kidding. I refuse to deal with "self-proclaimed" anarchists. I make sure to take my anarchy trade to reputable, ISO-9001 certified, fair-trade, cruelty-free, shade-tree-grown, organic anarchists who exercise due diligence and adhere to anarchy industry best practices, like not blowing shit up and not getting entrapped by the FBI.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I also am against being able to conveniently cross narrow bodies of water. Bring back the ferries!

KotBR May 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Nevermind the fact that the bridge was 15 miles south of the city. Good job on trying to frighten the 8 proles who still have a job in the city, Plain Dealer.

mavenmaven May 1, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Instead of blowing things up, they should just watch this Red Fang video over and over again (best video ever made!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQPfQvLIseA

chicken_thief May 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

In a group of six none of the true anarchists could spot the plant? Holy shit….

walterhwhite May 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Fire in the hole! (I just love "Justified.")

CthuNHu May 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

'Cause nothing says "I am a serious political thinker" like dressing like an asthmatic goth and frantically wreaking violence on one's surroundings in an attempt to sate one's free-floating adolescent rage.

lulzmonger May 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

The worst enemy of anarchism is anarchists.

I think the main reason they're so fucking angry all the time is that it's obvious to all us SHEEPLE that they're mostly just doing Comicbook Villain Cosplay. Take off the black henchperson duds, step away from the incendiaries & deal with your Daddy issues, guys.

Puberty: for some, it never ends.

HELisforHEL May 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

What amazes me is that these folks DON'T VOTE. They don't organize constructively, they can't stay on message, they just blow shit up for shit's sake.
One thing (the ONLY thing) I'll give the Tea Party assholes–they used that Koch money in an efficient way and got enough of their dopes elected to completely stall Congress and get their agenda of stupid on the national stage.
Anarchists never ever learn…killing/maiming/frightening people only makes your message more hateful. It doesn't change anything in a positive way. As you say, Ms Wonkettress, "no one likes you"…
If they want to invoke significant change for the good of everyone, ORGANIZE, DELIVER A CONCISE MESSAGE AND VOTE. GAHHHHHHH

Biel_ze_Bubba May 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Wright also allegedly complained to the FBI source that "there were not enough anarchists in Cleveland to do what he wanted to do."

So the FBI had to supply those, too? I'm surprised the Feds were able to keep a straight face while this comic opera was in progress.

ttommyunger May 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Can't wait for some fucktard to sidle up and offer to sell me some explosives or shit. I will hit that motherfucker so hard his grandkids will have headaches.

Wile E. Quixote May 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Oh, and I'd like to cast a vote for using an IED to blow up anyone who says "improvised explosive device" instead of "bomb." They're bombs people! They're designed to blow shit up and kill and maim people. "Improvised Explosive Device" sounds like a fucking science fair project, so take your fucking euphemism and shove it up your ass.

Wile E. Quixote May 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Once again these "self-proclaimed" anarchists have shown that the biggest problem with anarchy is that the leadership sucks.

Negropolis May 2, 2012 at 2:36 am

I'm interested in why the FBI waits to May 1st to hold a press conference for something that had been planned for months.

nounverb911 May 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Needs more flying turkeys.

SorosBot May 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

And that's reason enough to put the HOF in a shitty small city that there is no reason to want to visit like Cleveland?

WunkRocker May 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

BUCKEYE LIBEL. OH has a pretty rich Rock-n-Roll history. Rocket From the Tomb, Dead Boys, Pere Ubu, Devo, Guided by Voices, Ohio Players, Zapp, Bootsy, meh The Black Keys, Breeders, Ass Ponys, a lot of bands. And a lot of people that went on to be influential. Still the state sucks. No wonder ma & pa left Toledo.

sullivanst May 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Yeah, I'm on your side on that one. I fond that attempting to think of what was happening at the molecular level seriously inhibited my ability to get the calculations right, it was much easier to stop visualising and just do the math.Not sure which theorem he was discussing, but one of the math lecturers at college declared of one result:

This is trivial. Until you start thinking about it, when it becomes non-trivial. Then you think about it very hard for a long time, and realize it was trivial all along.

Needless to say, his students started to wonder if he was on crack at that point.

horsedreamer_1 May 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Greg Dulli Libel!!!

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