MOMMY BLOGGING  9:26 am May 1, 2012

Raise Less Corn, More Hell

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Viva Sandino!Welcome to your First Annual rendition of “Mi Mamacita Communista.” You will be reading this sucker today, next year, the year after that, and forever until you die. It is the New Wonkette Law.

And so today is May Day! We can have — or heave! — a cocktail for the working man. We can put on Our Marching Zapatas zapatos of Ocupado Justice! We can do lots and loads of things! But me, I’m missing mi mamacita communista. She didn’t die or anything, she just retired and moved back to Oklahoma, where they still (unaccountably) haven’t burned her for a witch.

These are things my mother taught me.

* The dog can drink out of the pool.

* It’s best if the babies are naked.

* Protesting is fun! Marching is better!

* It is our patriotic duty to cuss loud and creatively. Lenny Bruce wants us to stick it to the squares. For America. And the children.

* Good names for America’s pets and children include Rosie, Emma, Fidel and Diego, and any of her children who don’t comply will have their kids’ and pets’ names changed unilaterally. Rodents should be named after baked goods.

* The best name for getting arrested under while demonstrating is Emma Goldman.

* Good places to get arrested are the Nevada Test Site, Diablo Canyon, and the mean streets of Thousand Oaks, California, during Gulf War 1.

* Bad places to get arrested are on warrants for failure to appear.

* All the words to “Union Maid.”

* Contra Barbara Ehrenreich, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a lady to clean your house. You just have to pay her three times the going rate, and you may not use the sort of slave agency that can afford to advertise in the Yellow Pages. You must find a lady via reference of supermarket bulletin board.

* C-Span is a joy and a privilege.


*Do not stand around doing nothing if someone else is working. This applies equally to camp-outs and the lady cleaning your house.

* High levels of wealth may be forgiven if they are spent on cliffside or canyon Modernist homes.

* How to make freeway offramp banners out of bed sheets and shelf liners.

* How to choose a losing candidate.

* The names of a high proportion of local flowers and trees.

* The “Hail Mary.”

* The “Our Father.”

* Liberation Theology.

* All 15 stanzas of “The Cremation of Sam McGee.”

* There’s no need to hold a grudge for more than a couple of hours, unless your friend is 100 percent right and you are 100 percent wrong, in which case you may stay angry for the next 15 years.

* Blame America first!

* Un pueblo unido … can never be divided!

* I should not wear whore shoes. (She finally gave up on that.)

* Good places to pick fights are at parties and in line at the grocery store.

* There is never an inappropriate time to talk politics.

* DO NOT fail to appear.

* Fun fact! Ronald Wilson Reagan = 666

* George H.W. Bush: Not much better!

* Also, April Glaspie totally told Saddam we didn’t care if he went into Kuwait.

* Seriously, that whole war was based on LIES.

* You know, as opposed to this last one.

* I would regret my Nader vote like she regretted hers for Eldridge Cleaver.

* Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

* No, really, I am not allowed to vote for Ralph Nader.



* Read “Catch-22.” A good place to do this is on the sand at Hermosa Beach in 1966.

* Read “Let’s Eat Right to Keep Fit.”

* Read Mother Jones and the Utne Reader.

* Read “A Prayer For Owen Meany.”

* Read Evelyn Waugh and the sainted Miss Ivins.

* Erma Bombeck was funny too. No, really, she was!

* Read Eda LeShan, and take her childrearing tips to heart. Forgive yourself if you snap and smack your kid, but it’s a lot better to do it because you’re out of control than if it’s in-control and premeditated. Also, kiss your husband or wife before your kids when you get home from work, because the best thing you could possibly give your kids is parents who are happy and in love.

* Read e.e. cummings, Bukowski, and Thompson. The best way to do this is out loud at the dinner tabe. Also, the scene in “Tracks” where someone takes a shit on Louise Erdrich’s pillow.

* Reading trashy romance novels is giving me a skewed vision of life, and I will never marry and will always be sad.

* I should marry an ugly guy. He will love me.

* I should do my son’s homework for him but make him watch. Eventually he will pick it up by osmosis.

* It is better to have a kid who cusses than a little prig who goes “ooooh I’m telling” when someone else does.

* If you don’t take your kids to parties and restaurants and concerts and galleries and city council meetings, you are loosing an idiot on the world.

* That entails making them behave. Princes and princesses reflect badly. On YOU.

* A little violence never hurt anybody, so there’s no reason not to take a three-year-old to see Lethal Weapon 4.

* Weed will save you from alcoholism.

* There will come a day when I no longer look cute on a barstool.

* How to make a martini.

* How to clean a kitchen.

* How to do all her phone-treeing for the Democratic Club meeting.

* How to use chopsticks.

* Water is life.

* My plants are screaming in anguish.

* If I don’t water my plants, she is going to take them away, because I do not deserve to own plants.

* Also, my dog.

* And my son.

* Whom she will rename Fidel.

* Both of them.

* If people start with their overwrought bitching about STALIN! And 20 MILLION DEAD! don’t bother to respond about the Butcher of Santiago making Chile safe for capitalism, and our complicity in the Disappeared, or about any of our other complicities (even Iraq). Just point and laugh.

* The Contras really shouldn’t have raped those nuns.

* Roberto D’Aubuisson really shouldn’t have assassinated Archbishop Romero and Che.

* Ronald Reagan really shouldn’t have committed treason by sending George Bush pere to Paris before he was elected to promise the Iranians missiles should they be kind enough to keep our hostages just a little bit longer.

*No, Ollie North did not look “sexy” in his uniform, Jesus Christ.

* Viva Sandino!

* Viva Chavez!

* Viva Fidel!

* It’s okay, I can love Jimmy Carter if I want.

* Too bad about Ronald Reagan’s treason and all.

* How to pronounce “primer,” as in a schoolbook: short i.

* How to pronounce “mauve”: long o.

* There are UFOs in Topanga.

* Just because you are driving a crappy old Geo Metro does not mean you are friendless, as the crabby cop who kicks your 57-year-old schoolteacher ass will discover when the former head of Amnesty International adn the legal director of the ACLU takes your case.

* The Southern California ACLU got its start in San Pedro, after Upton Sinclair got arrested for reading the First Amendment out loud on Liberty Hill.


* Serious people don’t care if a boycott’s “over” or “doesn’t exist.”

* Brown rice, not white.

* All the words to the 1930s lullabye “Lilac trees,” including the spoken coda: “And then the little pickanniny [!] boy got sick and died, and all the little white children were sorry they didn’t play with him.”

* Just try not crying yourself to sleep every night after that!

* If you love Martin Luther King in 1961 Oklahoma, boys in your high school will threaten to “make you dead.”

* Down with Whitey.

* And the Man.

* And most women too!

* If we’re going to be so un-American as to actually love the Constitution, that means the Second Amendment too.

* But not the Eighteenth!

* Because it was repealed!

* When your kid has to write an essay on What the Flag Means to Him, and you are writing it for him just like she told you to, be sure to include The Right To Burn It.

* Why are you leaving out the best part?

* She knew you were going to leave out the best part.

* Idiot.

* Love your mother.

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Hola wonkerados.

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MrFizzy May 1, 2012 at 9:32 am

Hooray, hooray, the 1st of May, outdoor fucking starts today! Enjoy, you wanking Wonkers!

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 9:34 am

So where's the part where she taught you how to write and not "write good" but "write well"?

* Read Evelyn Waugh and the sainted Miss Ivins.

Aha… akin to your/her self-described 'homework-watching': the best writers learn from observing and digesting their predecessors' work —


Also, too, obvs.

Chow Yun Flat May 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

The only solution is revolution, the only direction is insurrection.

EatsBabyDingos May 1, 2012 at 9:36 am

I know this is a day celebrating Labor, but why the picture of Robert Reich biting that poor woman's boob?

Steverino247 May 1, 2012 at 9:39 am

I'll have what that baby's having, waiter.

JustPixelz May 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

So you noticed the AK-47 slung across mama's back too?

Steverino247 May 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I don't miss much, JP.

ThankYouJeebus May 1, 2012 at 9:41 am

How to choose a losing candidate.

As a Democratic voter for the last 30 years, I believe I would do your mamma proud.

dijetlo May 1, 2012 at 9:42 am

A friend will help you move.
A relative will help you move a body.

Don't bring the law to my door.

If you use a chevy radiator as a condenser, you'll make all your customers blind. That's why the good Lord made copper.

Two men can keep secret if one of them is dead.

Always make the bag heavy and don't cut it under an ounce. Dealing dimes is for punks.

Guppy May 1, 2012 at 10:26 am

A relative will help you move a body.

A relative is more likely to be the body.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 9:42 am

This is truly awesome!

FakaktaSouth May 1, 2012 at 9:43 am

Fuckin A Rebecca! – a toast to all the wonderful, blessed Communist Mamas; we are more soulful, smarter, loving, beautiful and capable swear-mistresses under thine watchful eye. I love this and will keep a print out for when I need to feel supported in the shit I do to my own kids on a daily basis.
Happy Fucking May Day!

Chow Yun Flat May 1, 2012 at 9:43 am

DO NOT fail to appear.

No kidding. The fuckers just love that–it keeps you in the system so any traffic stop or disorderly conduct beef can turn into some time in jail.

qwerty42 May 1, 2012 at 9:44 am

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night, alive as you or me. Says I "but Joe, you're ten years dead", "I never died," says he.
And then there is always this.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 10:27 am

Needz Moar Billy Bragg.

Not_So_Much May 1, 2012 at 9:46 am

Solidarnosc, motherfuckers!

ManchuCandidate May 1, 2012 at 9:46 am

Read "War is a Racket" by 2 time MoH winner Smedley Butler.

Is it wrong to have funny feelings about the Editrix?

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 10:11 am

I LOVE Smedley Butler. My Marine brother introduced me to the Corps' greatest hero.

LiveToServeYa May 1, 2012 at 10:28 am

Smedley is my hero.

Boojum May 1, 2012 at 10:23 am

Manchu, I'm with you. I was just wondering if it's totes gay to want to want to sit in a field of flowers gazing in admiration on our Editrix.

ManchuCandidate May 1, 2012 at 10:32 am


UW8316154 May 1, 2012 at 9:48 am

Don't get high from your own supply.

Baconzgood May 1, 2012 at 9:48 am

I think your mom and my mom should get together for jello shots.

John Birf Society May 1, 2012 at 9:48 am

I love Rebecca Schoenkopf and I totally want to have her babies.

Chet Kincaid May 1, 2012 at 9:49 am

No stain removal tips?!

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 9:50 am

Who cares about a few stains?

Boojum May 1, 2012 at 10:24 am

My Mom would have loved your Mom.

Biff May 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Linda Tripp?

prommie May 1, 2012 at 10:29 am

Remember those little round holes from the seeds?

stanpan May 1, 2012 at 9:51 am

Your mom makes me less embarrassed for this benighted state of Oklahoma. Now if we could attract a couple of hundred-thousand more folks like her, we might get somewhere.

freakishlywrong May 1, 2012 at 9:51 am

* There will come a day when I no longer look cute on a barstool.
That day has arrived, bitches! Now I drink in bed! As Mittens will say while co-opting this once it becomes popular; "Happy fucking May Day, y'all".

chicken_thief May 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

Jeez. All I remember my mom saying was "ja do yer homework?"

Oh, ya, and "if yer going to drink, do it at home."

Neither of which I listened to….

anniegetyerfun May 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

But didn't a Nader vote in California go over OK? I mean, Gore won California, and it's not like the popular vote counts for crap in a democracy like ours.

Respitetini May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

Immaterial. If the good folks at the DNC tell you to vote for someone, you vote for that someone, regardless of whether or not they represent you and your views. For democracy, of course.

My radical mommy taught me the same thing. Boomer radicals got all spooked after 68 or 72 or something, when a bunch of them didn't vote or went 3rd party or something. Anyhoo, it's why we keep getting these milquetoast corporatists instead of anyone to the left of Martha Stewart to vote for.

SudsMcKenzie May 1, 2012 at 9:58 am

"You will be reading this sucker today, next year, the year after that, and forever until you die." That's cool, but will we still get our annual Thanksgiving " Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business"??

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 10:34 am

NPR can't stop Susan Stamberg from spreading her Pepto-pink poison, so I assume something similar will hold true for the Wonkette and its Thanksgiving food strangeness traditions.

SudsMcKenzie May 1, 2012 at 10:42 am

Like "Schweddy Balls" and Jebus.

HuddledMass May 1, 2012 at 11:27 am

"Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business" is what made me a Wonketteer.

Designer_Rants May 1, 2012 at 10:01 am

Serious people don’t care if a boycott’s “over” or “doesn’t exist.”

Damn straight. Also, the C-SPAN being a privilege and a joy thing, too.

Arken May 1, 2012 at 10:02 am

"It’s best if the babies are naked."

I hope your mom didn't have carpets.

AlterNewt May 1, 2012 at 10:03 am

Where are the GOD DAMN time machines they promised us?!

freakishlywrong May 1, 2012 at 10:31 am

And our flying cars? Goddammit.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

Look at the chaos and carnage we manage with two axes of travel. You want to entrust us morons with a third?

AlterNewt May 1, 2012 at 12:27 pm

"No one could have predicted that there would be a down-side."

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 10:05 am

I'm convinced, RS, that your mom is part Grace Paley, part Ruth Gordon (if not diminutive, yet cusses like a sailor; except unlike that one character, yours knows the diff btw. an orangutan and 'an ape'); is more multilingual than her peers, certainly more culturally savvy than her Oklahoma neighbors (but I'm happy if they prove me wrong); and I hope I have a fifth of the moxie found in her little fingernail to rage against-type when I'm her age!

SudsMcKenzie May 1, 2012 at 10:07 am

I'm not good with lists, I lost track after " the dogs can eat out of the pool if the babies are naked".

Designer_Rants May 1, 2012 at 10:09 am

RS, is that your mom in the pic? Cuz she's super smokin' hot. (Mrs. Rants has been a Militant Breast Feeder to our children, and it's powerful).

Edit: Does your momma have a Kalashnikov strapped to her back? That's the "2nd Amendment" thing you were talkin' about, huh?

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 10:13 am

No, DR, that is a happy Sandinista mujer.

Barb May 1, 2012 at 10:09 am

What about:
never lick a steak knife?

I just discovered from this list that Rebecca and I have nothing in common.

HuddledMass May 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I just discovered from this list that I *am* Rebecca's mom.

Oblios_Cap May 1, 2012 at 10:10 am

Happy May Day!

That's all I got.

OC_Surf_Serf May 1, 2012 at 10:13 am

Protesting is fun! Marching is better!!

…and Make-up Sex is Best!!!

Barb May 1, 2012 at 10:17 am

Are you kidding me? Make- up sex- its worth fighting for!

Actually, I've never had an argument with Jeffery. Maybe I'll start one just to see what happens.

OC_Surf_Serf May 1, 2012 at 10:24 am

Never an argument?…Jeffery may dispute that.

There ya go, a start that should lead to some afternoon delight!

Barb May 1, 2012 at 10:41 am

I swear to God, I've never had an argument with Jeffery. I've never disagreed with him on anything but the fact that he likes black olives on his pizza and I don't.

The secret to a good marriage to is give 90% and expect 10%. He just left for work and I cried a little when I saw his car pull away. I'm going to chore like the wind today and I can't wait to see him tonight!

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 10:50 am


Nesnora May 1, 2012 at 10:48 am

for fun, make it a scene from a famous movie. Get a costume. Wait behind the door.

Fare la Volpe May 1, 2012 at 10:14 am

There are UFOs in Topanga.

Oh shit. Don't tell Mr. Feeny.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 10:14 am

I think "Wear a sweater well" should have been added.

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 10:14 am

Brown rice, not white

But the brown rice… takes TIME to cook.. and I have neither time nor palate for the nouveau or nuanced… geeze Rebecca I'm a white Western workin' class wench fer Pete's sake…

ManchuCandidate May 1, 2012 at 10:16 am

Get a rice pressure cooker. No fuss no muss and perfect rice. Any good Korean supermarket will have one.

Jus_Wonderin May 1, 2012 at 10:23 am

I got one from Target (not a fancy thing) and it works…perfectly!! Rice, I love it!! Condi, not so much.

SayItWithWookies May 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

Honey I'll cook ya some brown rice — brown, wild, red Bhutanese, forbidden — because, as you know, the best things take a little time.

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I believe that's the best "What can brown do for you?" suggestion I've heard all day! You win.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 10:15 am

Fuck me.

Sharkey May 1, 2012 at 10:19 am

My mama told me, you better shop around.

OC_Surf_Serf May 1, 2012 at 10:20 am

Erma Bombeck was funny too. No, really, she was!

Well, she could beat her children and tell it as a funny story…

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

The Lost Erotic Writings of Erma Bombeck is difficult to find, but well worth the search.

Sharkey May 1, 2012 at 10:21 am

Now I'm scared what we'll get on actual Mother's Day. Hold me.

Geminisunmars May 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

She is going to make each one of us write a 4000 word essay about our own mother.

Chow Yun Flat May 1, 2012 at 10:23 am

Schoenkopf women are extremely attractive.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 10:24 am

I'm with you on Catch-22 and Evelyn Waugh, fuck John Irving. And read Neruda and do your own fucking translating.

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 10:28 am

I have no use for Owen Meany's "shouting" in allcaps so I ditched it early… but Irving's Cider House Rules, rules in my orbit.. (esp. the chapter "Flying Over Burma"), FWIW~

BerkeleyBear May 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

Them's fighting words, Prommie! Irving was one of my favorites back in the day – maybe because he was one of the first "literary" writers I read who would explicitly talk about blowjobs, but still a favorite.

finallyhappy May 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Also I met him a few years ago with his current wife and youngest son- he was very kind- unlike the asshole Michael Connelly- who has a hell of an ego for being a not very good writer.

trampndirtdown May 1, 2012 at 10:26 am

FW Editrix, you forgot "An injury to one is an injury to all".

prommie May 1, 2012 at 10:28 am

You forgot Billy Bragg. Never, ever forget Billy Bragg on Mayday.

Judith_Priest May 1, 2012 at 10:31 am

I love your mother!! Especially for the correct pronunciation of "primer" and "mauve".

"PRY-mer" is what hillbillies splash onto the dings on their cars.

Oh, hell, I love all of it.

Chichikovovich May 1, 2012 at 10:32 am

All 15 stanzas of “The Cremation of Sam McGee.”

[My grandpa taught me that. and what a "marge" is.] A quality gal, right there. Probably puts on rouge better than the lady known as Lou as well.

My mom's most valuable advice was, and remains, "When you're as good as Ken Dryden, you can do that leaning-on-the-stick thing that Ken Dryden does. Until then, stop it!"

[Edit: no, not Lou Sarah, the other lady known as Lou. But now that I think of it, I guess Lou Sarah works too.]

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

Indeed, "going rouge" was once Lou Sarah's specialty.

GuyClinch May 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

My mom, she did these things:

*Started grassroots org in Dayton, OH in late 70s to educate folks about the nuclear arms race
*Organized big conference in The Hague in 1982 about how only women could be counted on to avert nuke war – It's Up to the Women! I got to meet Coretta Scott King!
*Ran non-profit that, among other things, took groups of concerned citizens on fact-finding tours of Palestine. Early responsible tourism!
*Ran non-profit that installed solar systems and simple water-treatment facilities for schools and clinics in off-grid, remote parts of Rwanda and Uganda.

She'll be 71 next month, is reluctantly retired now, living in Florida (naturally) and never made a goddam dime and has nothing but Social Security. But she has done well by doing good. I love you, Momma!

freakishlywrong May 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

Your Mom is awesomeness.

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

A million happy May Days to your mama!

BTWBFDIMHO May 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

I would never let a woman named Contra Barbara clean my house. What if she bring her Iranian lover and have sexo en mi cama. Nunca!

BTWBFDIMHO May 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

What, is mother's day today?

LiveToServeYa May 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

Lucky you. My mother only taught me to be nice to people, never put yourself forward nor blow your own horn, obey the rules, and never argue with anybody. I spent years unlearning these things. Resentment still smolders, smolderingly.

HuddledMass May 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Oh god, I got all that stuff – stand back,be good, be nice, wait your turn. It took me decades to realize you have to *make* it be your turn. And by then it was too late.

themcwow May 1, 2012 at 10:39 am

It's my kid's Bday too! Maypole!

Barb May 1, 2012 at 10:43 am

Happy Birthday to your kid!

themcwow May 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Thanks, Barb! I'll tell her after school.

weejee May 1, 2012 at 10:42 am

Where is Solidarity Forever?

♪♫ And the Union makes us strong ♫♪

Chichikovovich May 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

Contra Barbara Ehrenreich

Please. "Sandinista Barbra Ehrenreich", thankyoverymuch.

Lazy Media May 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

Commie Mom has excellent taste in lit'rature.

Nesnora May 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

When will Obama apologize for this post?!!!

FNMA May 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

Substitute bars and racetracks and you're on target…

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 10:52 am

My mom voted for LaRouche-ite William Schmitz in 1972 because she found his hour-long political ad a few days before the election persuasive. In 1977 she confiscated the copy of Welcome to the Monkey House that I'd got at a Catholic Church rummage sale. And in 1984 she advised me that it would have been better if I'd died instead of leaving Catholicism, because at least a dead Catholic can go to heaven. After her stroke in 1990, her reaction to seeing my grad school diploma was "Master of Arts in English? You'll probably just write a bunch of dirty novels."

On the other hand, she encouraged my love of reading (although it led to Vonnegut and Heller and eventual apostasy), never hesitated to tell a joke, no matter how corny (and regardless of whether she could remember a punchline), and taught me any number of odd novelty songs she learned while growing up in her mother's boarding-house during the Great Depression.

GhostBuggy May 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm

As you are now a commenter on this site, I assume that you did go on to write dirty novels.

commiegirl May 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

William Schmitz, the OC Congressman/Bircher dad of Mary Kay Letourneau, and the guy who said my ALL TIME FAVORITE THING ABOUT JEWS: "They're just like everyone else, only moreso"? I didn't know he ran, unless there is another batshit Schmitz out there.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

My bad for not checking the Font of All Knowledge. JOHN Schmitz, not William….Oh, but that's the guy you were thinking of, too–"One of Schmitz's daughters with his wife Mary was Mary Kay Letourneau"

So, same batshit, wrong first name.

Wile E. Quixote May 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Mary Kay Letourneau? Shorewood Elementary School's most famous teacher? I live just around the corner from Mary Kay's former love nest. I have to say "Hot for Teacher" was a great video, but in real life? Ewwwwww!

ifthethunderdontgetya May 1, 2012 at 10:53 am

The ONLY place where the Nader vote mattered was in Florida, and even there it was still a weak 4th on the list of reasons that the Bush-Cheney regime was installed in this country.

1) Our press, angry that Bill Clinton was not impeached for the blow job, decided to take out their frustrations on Al Gore. And it wasn't just all the MoDo wannabees on the editorial pages…notable examples were the WaPo's Ceci Connolly and the NYT's Kit Seelye.

2) The Republicans ran a crooked election in Florida. They disqualified thousands of eligible voters through abuse of the Florida felons list. And then 5/9 of the Supreme Court sanctioned the theft.

3) Al Gore, himself. Joe Lieberman as V.P.? Running away from Clinton in attempt to placate the heathers mentioned in 1)?

4) Finally, yeah, now you can blame Ralph Nader.

So why is it we only hear about the 4th reason these days?

Because the press corps doesn't want people to remember they had their thumbs on the scales. Because the Republicans don't want to admit that they cheat every single election. And finally, because corporatist Democrats want you to shut up and accept the screwing over they give you every time they have a chance to make a difference.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 11:01 am

You left out the incompetent design of the Butterfly Ballot in Palm Beach County (by a lifelong Democrat), which alone could have swung the election, so that would bump Nader to 5th place. Jews for Buchanan!

Terry May 1, 2012 at 11:00 am

My grandfather immigrated from eastern Europe in 1900 when he was 16 years old. He went directly to Pennsylvania and down into a coal mine. He worked his whole adult life in the mines until his lungs were so bad that he could barely draw a breath. At grace every night over dinner, he thanked God for the United Mine Workers and prayed for the health and safety of their president. Because of the Union, ten year old boys no longer worked (and died) as breaker boys, sorting rock from coal sitting on boards over giant conveyor belts. Because of the Union, the mine owners had to put in ventilation and safety measures to prevent the black lung and the mine collapses. To this day, the sound of a certain kind of horn going off makes my mother jump, bringing back the fear that a cave in occurred. My grandfather, great uncle, and several uncles all died of either workplace accidents or diseases related to the mines. All the men of those generations, except for the one uncle who could play football and got a scholarship to college. Now, because of the Unions and improvements in safety laws, American families don't have to have sad histories like that…assuming that we keep those laws and actually ENFORCE them.

fuflans May 1, 2012 at 11:37 am


GhostBuggy May 1, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Upfist for you. My family is from that area after coming off the boat from Ireland to jobs in the mines and as firefighters; my grandfather was "saved" from mine work by World War II.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 11:02 am

Acts 4:32: All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had.33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God's grace was so powerfully at work in them all34 that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales35 and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 11:29 am

Yeah, but Parable of the Talents.

rickmaci May 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

When doing a long daytime protest march, wear sensible shoes, a hat, a long sleeved shirt and use sunscreen.

prommie May 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

My mom taught me that I was unworthy, undeserving, and naughty, and I would never achieve anything and should hope to get a job taking tolls.

CivicHoliday May 1, 2012 at 11:06 am

You know Mothers Day isn't until May 13th right? You just wasted your gift by giving it too early! Now you have to send her flowers. Geez.

Chet Kincaid May 1, 2012 at 11:24 am

If your other two brothers are idiots, you will end up having to have one of them killed.

If you have to ask, your husband probably does kill people for a living.

When you know you’ve screwed the family, and you know we know you’ve screwed us, but we’re still really nice to you, you’re going to die. Probably pretty soon too.

You don’t go through Jersey marshes to get good cannoli.

No matter how much protection your house in Tahoe has, your bedroom will still get all shot up.

The mob has scholarship programs to law school…with a job placement for when you get out.

It's always helpful to have a lawyer working on retainer for you.

Murdering a corrupt cop is a victimless crime.

There’s no such thing as a “random” run on mattresses.

New England schoolteachers just wait around for guys to marry them. But she will not understand you.

Making investments in nations with a history of guerrilla activity is unwise.

The only thing more important than having a good lawyer is having politicians in your pocket.

Being wealthy and powerful means living on a compound.

Old Jews are tricky and arrogant, so kill them before they kill you.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

(Cribbed, of course, from various Internet Life Scholars:)

Wile E. Quixote May 1, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Always have exact change when you go through a toll booth.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 1, 2012 at 11:28 am

I knew it was time to end a relationship when the woman I was seeing didn't want me to read passages from Tracks to her.

fuflans May 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

commie mom is wise.

SayItWithWookies May 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

Nice list — I never memorized "Sam McGee," though I can still do a passable version of WB Yeats' "Easter, 1916" among others of his, as well as a kick-ass version of "Goin' Down that Road Feelin' Bad."

Oh, and if anyone wants to throw something else on their reading list, try Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo — one of the classic anti-war books from a blacklisted author. (Amazon link here)

Mumbletypeg May 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I've got "Hermit of Sharktooth Shoal" tacked to my memory-bank — penned by a mimic of Service's — thanks to my grandfather who learned it by heart. It is the *only* poem I can recite with more than 6 or so stanzas.

fuflans May 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

my bff's mom gave her 'catholic digest' for christmas once.

good times.

chascates May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

At one time (1930s) the farming states (Oklahoma and Texas included) viewed FDR as God Almighty. He brought some jobs, electricity, and hope for my grandparents. Even though many of my cousins still farm and raise cattle (and use 'illegal meskin' labor) they view Democrats as lazy, socialists who live off other peoples' money. The same party that gave them rural electrification, soil conservation, and crop support. The party that brought highways to markets, helped start grain co-ops, and built schools.
But then most of my cousins are in hock to the banks, the big equipment dealers, and Dow, ConAgra, etc. Once you buy into a right wing line of bullshit you have to swallow the whole hog.

MissTaken May 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

My commie mom had me watch Miracle of Life at 8 years old. When I cried during the birth she told me that birth control is free at Planned Parenthood.

She also told me to never sell my pussy for rent. And only own enough stuff that you can pack in 24 hours in case shit gets bad and you gotta skip town.

Biff May 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Tits, finally!
And speaking as a retired union member and ugly person, yes.

owhatever May 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

A child should be allowed to stick his/her/its finger in a light socket, for it explains electricity to them.

Remember communism has never worked, except in China, which has so much money that it owns us.

The cockroach always wins in overtime.

OneYieldRegular May 1, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Wow. A version of this from my mom would have read something like, "Take a bath, hippie." (Though in all fairness, she abandoned Republicanism late in life, and even overcame her horror at my sister's lesbianism to become a sort of den mother to gay kids all over town).

By sheer coincidence, I find myself finishing John Steinbeck's In Dubious Battle this May Day, which, combined with the above, has me pretty much primed for the revolution.

DocChaos May 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I used to think my art teacher mom was a classic lib, what with peace symbol emblazoned bumper stickers plastering the back of her Civic, permissive parenting, and her volunteering to help the poors, but she was Phyllis Schlafly compared to Rebecca's mother.

ExecutorElassus May 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Obscenity is less offensive than racism, so never hold back from calling a racist-ass motherfucker a racist-ass motherfucker. This goes double for family gatherings.

I learned that shit from Andrew Ti over at "Yo, is This Racist?"

Happy Day of Unrest, y'all. Don't suffer to let the joint fall from your lips as you tell the pigs to kiss your ass.

SaintRond May 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Is that "Thompson" as in Jim Thompson? Just wondering.

ttommyunger May 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm

My mom swore she was never gonna die. She was right for 93 years.

WonkCynic May 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm

After your commie dictator King Obarmer puts all of the farms owned by "squares" and rednecks out of business, perhaps mamacita can make you some tasty corn bread made with fresh GMO corn! Mmmmm! Yummy, mamacita! Me really really likes it when you makes me some o dat special GMO corn bread with the herbicide and insecticide built right in! Joni Mitchell, eat your heart out! Hey Farma Farma, put away your DDT now! Forget about da birds and da bees, da disease is built right into my GMO corn now. Blah blah blah…yada yada yada. All that cussing that mamacita taught you will come in handy when you are screaming at the niggaz that cut in front of you in the bread line!

DahBoner May 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

…in which case you may stay angry for the next 15 years

Females, hahaha!

Don't worry, this one ONLY applies to 100% of Females and 100% of Conservative men…

valthemus May 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Oliver North wasn't sexy in his uniform. But he was sexy out of it. I *will* fight you on this point, Ms. Schoenkopf.

savethispatient May 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm

How to pronounce “primer,” as in a schoolbook: short i.

Eh? Surely that'd be primmer? Pry-mer / Prime-r is definitely a long i.
Then again, my mother thinks that modern is said "mod-rin" and film is said "fill-um".

Pat_Pending May 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I wish I had your mother. Fabulous tribute.

gurukalehuru May 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm

What is it with Owen Meany? It's all right, I guess, but it's not the only book John Irving ever wrote.

the_problem_child May 1, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I love all your mothers, Wonkette!

Barb May 1, 2012 at 11:00 am

Jeffery came to me this weekend and asked, "do you want to see Rebecca's tampon?" He was laughing so hard that he couldn't hold his cell phone still for me to see it.

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