come on

Romney Aide Outlines Bold New Campaign Strategy of Stealing Credit For All Good Things

Like a shot and a half of bad vodka, he is.

Mitt Romney gopher Eric Fehrnstrom is on a one-man mission to rescue political comedy this campaign season, bless his heart. First there was that time he gleefully marched out in front of the teevee camera to call his boss an Etch a Sketch, for being shifty. Now he is hilariously running around claiming that Mitt Romney is a terrible secret socialist who masterminded the popular auto industry bailout despite his extremely public stance against it. “His position on the bailout was exactly what President Obama followed,” Fehrnstrom said. It is a bit of a weird thing to say!

Let’s check WaPo for the full soundbite:

“His position on the bailout was exactly what President Obama followed,” Fehrnstrom said. “He said, ‘If you want to save the auto industry, just don’t write them a check. That will seal their doom. What they need to do is go through a managed bankruptcy process.’ ”

“Consider that the crown jewel. The only economic success that President Obama has had,” Fehrnstrom said, “is because he followed Mitt Romney’s advice.”

Mitt Romney of course was the go-to authority on the auto industry in 2008 as a bored, unemployed multimillionaire not holding office. Here is the point, though: Mittens and his magic underpants will now have all the credit for magically making all good and popular things come to pass (except increased access to health care). Take it away, Internet:

Gosh, that is a lot of work. How does Mitt Romney kick back, Eric Fehrnstrom? Tell us, do:

Pressed to reveal the lighter side of Mitt Romney, his advisers on Saturday recalled the time when the former Massachusetts governor had a laugh over a prank involving the purported firing of a chambermaid.

Goodness. Most people would prefer, say, pornography for relaxation. [WaPo/Twitter]

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    1. Chet Kincaid

      What if Mitt was an SS Officer we had just ambushed and dumped into the Rhine, and then we steal his vehicle, and a kiss, and careen off toward Allied lines?

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Just so long as we don't get too rambunctious! Remember that time I tipped off our hideout by shouting out "the Yanks are coming, Baby!!" and could barely get my pants back on before the Gestapo attacked our cul de sac?

  1. Barb

    Mitt Romney is the only man who can bring change. Change for a ten thousand dollar bill, that is.

    Pop quiz: who appears on the $10,000.00 bill?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I recall that one of the first things George Bush (43) did was get a picture of his Mom on the $1 bill.

    2. sullivanst

      Although, apparently, the change will be that a white guy will be doing exactly the same thing in every way to the current President.

      Except, of course, when he's busily repealing every single thing the current President ever did. But that's only in primary season.

    3. WhatTheHeck

      Its not “who.” its “what” and the “what” which appears on the $10,000.00 bill is the Central Bank of China.

    4. BerkeleyBear

      Oooh, you are showing off your casino cred, aren't you? I had to Google that sucker. Never knew Binion had such a collection.

      Fitting that it would be a Sec. Treasury known for corrupt practices (and managing to keep the Union financed during the Civil War).

      1. Barb

        I have no "casino cred" It turns out that I know nothing about gambling, nothing about sports book and the cocktail waitresses now scoff at me. My clocks are now perfectly clean and I now know that I am not the smartest damn person on Tropicana Blvd.

        I was reduced at a banquet dinner in a million dollar tournament and it was the cantina scene from Star Wars. My shoulders are still aching from trying to cut that wafer-thin horse meat prime rib. Someone had the ballz to ask who I was and what I do for a living. For realz, some old guy from Chicago asked me for coffee. I blew him off and 30 minutes later, he asked me again where the coffee was. Dude, Jeff brings my coffee and I don't know how the hell it gets here. I've done some pretty shady shit in my life and coffee, making beds and doing math is NOT on that list. I'll make English muffins from scratch, I can strip out and replace a toilet in 50 minutes and I've given birth in 43 minutes without a medical professional present. I don't understand that whole "coffee grounds and water" thing.

    5. cheaphits

      No I dint look it up, but I think it's Lincoln's ol' bud, Salmon Chase, who was, I think, once quoted as saying "Mitt is a dickhead" .

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        I loved that movie. John Houseman was brilliant as the crusty old ichthyology professor.

        1. CapnFatback

          "Mister Hart, here is a dime. Take it, call your mother, and tell her there is serious doubt about you ever becoming a marine biologist."

  2. OkieDokieDog

    Oooo! I can't wait until Eric Fehrnstrom reveals that Mittens magic underwear really belong to Ann.

    1. Barb

      Oh trust me, there is no doubt that broad wears underwear with a dick hole. She's no June Cleaver.

        1. Barb

          There is a reason behind that, lol. I changed the winter clothes out for the summer clothes and I noticed some pajama bottoms I purchased and never wore. They are peacock blue with pink polka dots and a full elastic, closed waistband. I slipped them on and noticed a three-snap dick hole in them and now I am confused. Why do they unsnap there and what am I supposed to do with that?

  3. bumfug

    Mitt Romney invented standup comedy – "I don't get no respect, I'm tellin' ya. This morning I'm sittin' down for breakfast and Conchita brings out 2% milk for my Sumatran civet coffee!"

    1. swordfis

      "I don't get no respect, I'm tellin' ya. I went into dis bar, it said, 'topless, bottomless!' Dere was nobody dere!"

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Some evening when you're half loaded and just want a really good laugh, take another look at "Back to School."

        Sometimes I watch it just to see Sam Kinison.

        A classic.

        1. cheaphits

          "Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days… Not all in a row.

          I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

          Sam Kinison

    2. Negropolis

      "I don't get no respect, I'm tellin' ya. Last night at dinner I ordered my usual chateaubriand rare, and the insolent garçon brought it back well!"

  4. Wile E. Quixote

    Mitt Romney invented fellatio when he was working his way up the ladder at Bain Capital.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I will as soon as I get done thanking him for creating agriculture, grinding and milling grain, the creation of flour and the creation of bread.

    2. Radiotherapy

      He got the idea while sitting in a Paris Bistro and they brought out one of those dreadful, hard baguettes. What better way to wile away the time whilst avoiding the steamy, Commie-ridden jungles of French Indochina? I'm sure the cigarette smokin', wine sippin', Pope lovin' , freedom kissin' Gauls were easy marks for the Morman missionaries.

  5. Callyson

    The then-governor was traveling around the state with his protective detail when one of the troops short-sheeted his hotel room bed, recalled senior adviser Eric Fehrnstrom. Romney then composed a letter, addressed to the governor of the commonwealth of Massachusetts by the hotel management, “apologizing for the bad housekeeping and the short sheeting of his bed.”
    The letter “informed him that we had taken action to fire the chambermaid,” Fehrnstrom said. “And he showed that to the trooper that had short-sheeted the bed, and of course his face went white.”

    That's it, send the other comedians home…

    For. FUCK'S. SAKE!!!

    1. sullivanst

      Yes, he's just like you and me. He doesn't just like firing people, he thinks firing people is hilarious.

      I almost wet myself every time I here jokes about destroying the lives of entire families that were already on the edge. I mean, if that isn't a thigh-slapping good time, what is?

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I'm not sure if I'm more pissed off at the trooper (really, short sheeting – who the fuck does that as an adult to another adult) or Romney for wasting the time to mindfuck the trooper, even for a minute, into thinking he'd gotten someone fired. Just petty lameness all around.

    3. Negropolis

      Wait, that part about the "chambermaid" was real?

      That's what I get for not reading the actual article. I actually thought it was satire. lol

  6. MissTaken

    75 years ago when building the Golden Gate Bridge Mittens said, "Paint it red!". Thank you Mr. Romney.

  7. Wile E. Quixote

    Here is the point, though: Mittens and his magic underpants will now have all the credit for magically making all good and popular things come to pass

    So does that mean that he gets the credit for whacking Andrew Breitbart now?

  8. SmutBoffin

    Mitt Romney killed Hitler, using a time machine of his own invention, then impregnated your (yes, YOUR) mom.

    You wouldn't vote against your dad, would you?

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Ah, OK. It's a weird thing to say in an article about Mitt's sense of humor, isn't it? Like the next words out of his mouth were "(guffaw/back slap) Aww, I'm just shittin' ya, man!!"

  9. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Does that mean Romney gets credit for Obama's theft of the "first non-Christian president" claim?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Yes, it also means that President Obama is America's third black president after Mittens and Bill Clinton.

  10. Radiotherapy

    Mitt also got sound advice from his dad: Mitt, the American people will buy Gremlins, Pacers and Hornets by the millions.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      George Romney libel, he had nothing to do with the Gremlin, Pacer or the Hornet but did with the AMC Rambler, a car that was almost as durable as the Dodge Dart. Seriously, read the Wikipedia article on George Romney, he sounds like a stand-up guy, especially when compared to his douchebag son.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        In that he was an utter cock, but not the galactic-level giant douchecock that is his son.

        They're a hard family to like.

      2. Radiotherapy

        Tx, WEQy, I finally read his story. And I stand corrected, but those were crappy ass cars and throw in a Matador or Spirit too.
        Now the funny thing as it relates to the Bishop of Flipfloppia — didn't I read somewhere where Mitz' Secret Service name was Javelin? In honor of his Poly Papa?
        Fuck, the hypocrisy is car elevator deep.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      currently, the earth’s magnetic field is in the process of switching polarity, or flip-flopping, you might say.

  11. Tundra Grifter

    This is a sad, sad replay of the bad old days of the USSR.

    Remember when the claimed to have invented the airplane?

    Personally, it was 'way over the top when they said they came up with baseball. Ya just gotta drawn the line SOMEWHERE.

  12. Serolf_Divad

    Next up: Mitt Romney explains how strapping his dog to the roof of the family station wagon was actually Barack Obama's idea.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Obviously, Norris didn't use his awesome (imaginary) fighting skills enough to get people to support Newt.

  13. Gleem McShineys

    Well, Al Gore tried to claim it, but we all know Mitt invented the internet.

    When are you planning on thanking him for Facebook?

  14. Come here a minute

    When asked for comment, President Obama said, "You know, if I had a son, he would look like that kid sleeping behind Mitt Romney."

  15. PuglyDoRight

    "Pressed to reveal the lighter side of Mitt Romney, his advisers on Saturday recalled the time when the former Massachusetts governor had a laugh over a prank involving the purported firing of a chambermaid."

    As opposed to one of the OTHER maids. Hard to keep track of all of them.

    And don't we all love having a giggle at the expense of the help?

  16. PuckStopsHere

    Let me see if I've got this straight. Obama followed Mittens advice on the auto bailout and ObamaCare could not be less like Mitts MA plan. Have I got it right? Fuuuuuck….

  17. rickmaci

    Given Romoney's resume in business, I have been shocked by how pathetically stupid their position statements have been up to now on the auto industry bankruptcy/bailout. What Romoney had been saying is he would not have done the loan portion, the "bailout", and would have left that to the private money market to take on, certainly what he would have done at Bain. That totally ignores the fact that no private equity stake holder, including Bain, was willing to pony up the finance so there was no choice except to have the Feds put up the money, subject to massive collateralization with GM stock and a giant f *ing over of the GM bond holders and labor contracts. Ultimately, It was a text book chapter 11 plan except the finance came from the government as opposed to a bank. Sort of shows how easy it is to make money as a vulture capitalist. You really don't need to know anything about the actual business, just lots of other people's money. You buy it cheap, strip it by selling any valuable assets and flip it at inflated values in the carved down mode to some schnook. Used car salesmen do much the same thing.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      When you can make the numbers work, DIP financing makes a great deal of sense because the lender elbows its way to the head of the line, ahead of all other creditors.

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      That totally ignores the fact that no private equity stake holder, including Bain, was willing to pony up the finance so there was no choice except to have the Feds put up the money

      Bingo. These free-market-worshipping cunts neglect to mention that. Perhaps because the HUGE FUCKING CREDIT CRUNCH caused by tanking the fuck out of the economy via a housing boom fed by idiot macro-level policy might have something to do with the whole thing.

      GWB should be in jail.

      1. sewollef

        Hmm. My 'Should be in Jail' list is set in 8pt type and is now three pages long.

        Starts with GWB, runs through the entire Shrub cabinet, leadership of every department [State, Defense, FDA, FEMA, and particularly Justice, etc]; the heads and departmental leadership of every intelligence agency [CIA, NSA, FBI, DIA, etc]; every station chief in every country.

        Then we move on to Wall Street…. with the entire board of Goldman Sachs, the Fed [except Paul Volker who warned us about deregulation].

        And on and on….!

        And to make room in prison for all these criminals, I'd release everyone jailed for marijuana possession.

        I should be in governmint me.

    3. Bluestatelibel

      Job Creator Libel!

      Mittens was able to give those companies valuable advice about saving toner and paper (see Wonkette post from the other day).

      1. rickmaci

        You're right in that I probably should apologize to used car salesmen. Comparing them to vulture capitalists is a libel of used car salesman.

  18. Gleem McShineys

    "Pressed to reveal the lighter side of Mitt Romney"

    lighter than stiff white Mormon!?

  19. a_pink_poodle

    You see when Romney said "Let Detroit go bankrupt" he meant give Detroit a bail out! There goes the liberal media again taking Romney's words out of context!

  20. arihaya

    this reminds me about Kim Jong-Il, he liked to tour North Korea giving "advice" to workers in factories, and subsequently North Korean media will credit those factories performance are "because they followed Dear Leader's advice.”"

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Mormons dressed as Native Americans and murdered everyone in a wagon train for the lulz to celebrate.

  21. bikerlaureate

    Just how stupid and/or racist are the crazy 27%, to continue backing a Mittbot so fundamentally opposed to facts?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The first black President in our history, and he doesn't get the white Southern vote? I'm shocked, shocked I tells ya!

  22. SayItWithWookies

    In hindsight, Mitt is always prescient. That's the sort of approach to self-understanding that I would expect from a theologian. Jim Jones, for instance, or David Koresh.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "My God, hundreds of people just lying there. It's so eerie. How did he get them all to drink poison kool-aide?"

      "No, they're just sleeping. Mittens was giving one of his speeches again."

  23. anniegetyerfun

    “There’s something a little bit off-key about the president slow-jammin’ or appearing to make light of the fact that students are struggling either with loans . . . or they’re graduating with an uncertain job market,” Fehrnstrom said. “I don’t think that’s something to slow jam about or make light of.”

    I wish I were making that up. What a disingenuous little wad of fuck.

    1. Negropolis

      I've just been having a kick hearing conservatives say "slow jammin'" as if they knew who Jimmy Fallon was or what he does, and like they actually saw the show, because if they did, the persident was doing anything but making light of the situation.

    2. lulzmonger

      Talk about pissing on a forest fire: He's never going to be able to make up for that Etch-A-Sketch fuckup, no matter how hard he slings that shovel.

      But it'll be hilarious to watch him try.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    If I were "Eric Fehrnstrom" I would be spending my free time figuring out a new last name.

    1. Negropolis

      My favorite quote of his was when he said something to the extent of that Americans troops were committing suicide by the hundreds at the city gates. lol

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Or when he said that there were no US troops in Baghdad and the M1A1 Abrams crossed the street in the background behind him.

  25. MilwaukeeKent

    Tom, Wile, we'll never know, but hearing him today I noted the Rombot 2100 was making that annoying click sound again, at the end of every phrase. He's due for a tune-up.

  26. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Mitt Rmoney invented the Etch-a-Sketch.

    Willard also pioneered smelting, bringing the entire human race out of the stone age.

    Let alone his stopping the Late Heavy Bombardment armed only with a tennis racquet.

  27. iburl

    You may not think that firing a chambermaid is that funny, but she was really sick and a single mom with 3 kids!! :•p

  28. crybabyboehner

    Might not the firing of the chambermaid have some pornographic aspect?
    Just asking, old chap.
    BTW, can you spare a spot of Grey Poupon?

  29. owhatever

    "That's one small step for mankind, one giant leap for mankind."
    "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
    "Four score and seven years ago…"
    "Why don't we get drunk and screw."

    Armstrong, Roosevelt, Lincoln and Jimmy Buffet all stole their lines from Mitt.

  30. johnnyzhivago

    Only a draft dodger like Romney could criticize actual military veteran Jimmy Carter for a correct decision Obama made 30 years after he left office, ignoring the fact that Carter made an even tougher decision (Iran rescue).

    No snark, Romney makes me want to puke.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I caught that today as well. The Iran rescue was a fucking ballsy decision in the same vein as the bin Laden takedown. It didn't work, but that's the risk you take when you make the decision.

    2. Negropolis

      You know, I hate that no one really seems to come to Carter's aid on the many occassions he's made to look like some bumbling cloud. I realize the dude is very zen, but I'd hire at least one media person to protect my legacy in the everyday media. I'm just tired of seeing people get away with this unanswered bashing. It's rarely ever an attack on his policies.

  31. Negropolis

    This has shades of "I invented the internet," except that Mitt Romney's team actually said what they said, and Mitt didn't have a damned thing to do with saving the domestic auto industry. I'm loving this new meme.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Duc Willard d'Argent, whose family escaped Madame Guillotine by fleeing to Mexico. He's back and has declared war on the sans-culottes.

  32. Negropolis

    The Statue of Liberty. Well, the governor just called in a favor, en français, mais oui!

    The Declaration of Independence? Well, the governor wrote that old thing on a cocktail napkin over drinks with Jefferson at an upscale tavern in Philly. No big whoop.

  33. ttommyunger

    Mitt may not have invented pandering and gibberish, but he has accomplished a perfectly seamless blending of the two better than anyone else, bar none.

  34. MarionNYNY

    Clearly, if he had been the Republican nominee last time out, he would have won. If he had won he would have (1) passed a health care bill (2) bailed out GM (3) saved the economy and (4) killed Bin Laden. And in his first term as President he'll just ask Obama what he would have done if he'd won, and he'll do that too.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The subtle humor was that Willard faced a dilemma: He could either make his own bed for the first time in his life (while his companions laugh at his comical attempts), or have the maid fired (a practice he excelled at throughout his childhood years).

  35. SilverTsunami

    What a shame that he's LDS and so can't say, "I don't often drink beer, but when I do…"

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "… I'm excommunicated and can never speak to any of my family ever again"

  36. lulzmonger

    Willard also wrote Shalespeare's sonnets & invented hydroponic weed.

    Yeah, go on, buddy, keep sprinkling more tinsel on that turd you work for – I'm sure you'll be able to smile the stink away sooner or later.

  37. Mumbly_Joe

    Well, what do you expect, really? Mitt Romney invented audaciously hubristic dishonesty.

    Mitt Romney's position on the truth is exactly what Cain followed.

  38. Lazy Media

    Mitt Romney invented Obamacare YEARS before Obama did, but Obama totally ruined it by taking Massachusetts' precious industry-recruiting advantage and giving it to the other states. Why do you hate Massachusetts, Nobama?

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