real american heroes

US Army Does Not Understand Ted Nugent Is An American Hero, Says Ted Nugent

Smell the GloveJust because America’s Greatest Rock-and-Roll-er, 63-year-old poontang sniffer ‘The Nuge,’ maybe sorta threatened the president (the other possible interpretation of his wang-dang NRA remarks is that the president would by next year illegally put him in jail for nothing, because of how he is Hitler and Castro combined) is no reason to cancel his show at Fort Knox, says somebody who would know, and that somebody is The Nuge himself.

When you cancel a Ted Nugent concert you cancel The Troops, and America, because they are three and the same! “To think that there’s a bureaucrat in the United States Army that would consider the use or abuse of First Amendment rights in determining who is going to perform at an Army base is an insult and defiles the sacrifices of those heroes who fought for the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights,” Nugent said. Heroes like TED NUGENT!

Hey Cenk [Last Name], why don’t you tell us about the time Ted Nugent literally shit his pants to stay out of Vietnam?

Cool, thanks. [CNSNews]

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119 comments

  1. Barb

    I'm surprised it wasn't canceled because of lack of interest instead. I know I would literally shit my pants just to keep from having to attend Ted's concert. Hell, I'd shit Rebecca's pants too, for good measure.

    Note to self: find out how to get into Rebecca's pants.

          1. Barb

            You should scour the candy stores and find a Crow Bar. It's your only hope to get into Rebecca's pants.

    1. Terry

      Most of the people serving in the military today probably only know the Nuge from his antics, not his music. Or should that be "music"? They'd be better off booking Little Jeezy.

    2. ChernobylSoup

      When I was a wee jarhead, Lee Greenwood came to the base and nobody wanted to go see him. They began bribing us with extra weekend liberty if we would just please go hear the musical(?) patriotism. Most of us declined.

    3. oldedinvn

      Easy. Tell her you shit yours & would like to get in hers. She seems like a nice person & maybe would let you. Can I watch?

    4. Swampgas_Man

      Listening to the Nuge is the fastest way to make this Easy-Listening guy shit his pants.

  2. freakishlywrong

    If a coyote is in your Army base gig and pissing on your amp; it's your fault, not the coyote.

  3. Come here a minute

    They never cancelled Sirhan Sirhan's army base concert. (He played an incredible version of "Hungry Like the Wolf".)

  4. James Michael Curley

    Draft dodger – blew his eardrums out with Rox and Rolls and got a 1Y during Vietnam.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Yes, he knows that when de FBI releases defiles on him, he'll be defunct (and maybe de noise).

  5. ElPinche

    When the army brought up joining the military, the Nuge expressed his first amendments into his elk skin briefs.

  6. MrsBiggTime

    For such a great American, it's surprising Nugent doesn't understand the First Amendment. It's about freedom of speech, not freedom to be a dick.

    1. actor212

      Precisely. He's free to say what he wants, and he's free to offer to perform, but the Army is definitely not obliged to hire him. That's called "freedom to turn down a douchebag"

  7. SorosBot

    That's silly, of course the Army understands that Nugent is an American – oh wait, they thought that was a Z, not an H. Never mind!

      1. SorosBot

        That brings up a good question; who is more of an irrelevant joke today, Ted Nugent or Vanilla Ice?

        1. MissTaken

          That's tough! Two whiter-than-white dudes who bitch about no one paying attention to them. I honestly can't pick. But, I am certain that they are both less relevant than Rico Suave.

  8. Mumbletypeg

    He and that other 60-something sidelined act might consider going on tour together. If they don't shoot each other to death first in a "Who's The Bigger Patriot" whining contest.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    That album cover even manages to offend me & I'm pretty tough. Anyhoo, I'd give my husband's left nut (shhh….don't tell him) if some intrepid 'journalist' would actually ask Ted about he managed to avoid the draft or his penchant for young girls.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      You'd think if Ted didn't shit himself that he would have found places like Patpong Road in Bangkok or the infamous bars of Olongapo City (near Subic Bay) filled with all the way underaged LBFMs he desired.

    2. HistoriCat

      The Nuge is a verbal diarrhea factory – if three different 'journalists' ask him the same question, he'll give eight different answers.

    3. bagofmice

      I just never knew the nuge was a PETA Eco-terrorist. Naked chicks, a plate of veggies and a grenade. Those fur farms are going down!

  10. Serolf_Divad

    Don't be fooled, sheeple! It starts out with them cancelling a Ted Nugent concert, but it ends up with them cancelling Christmas and then declaring the Bible ILLEGAL!!!!!

  11. randcoolcatdaddy

    Nugent is a hero to society by providing everyone with living example of what can happen when psychosis goes untreated.

  12. Not_So_Much

    Oh. So it wasn't because nobody wanted to listen to 70's music played by a doddering idiot?

  13. FlownOver

    But – but – he jammed with His Righteousness Holy Governor T.B. Player on Fox! Doesn't that count as penance? Will we demand an Act of Perfect Conscription?

    How long can we carry this grudge?

    (Answer: Until this psychotic dickwad plays/says anything worth listening to.)

  14. weejee

    When you cancel a Ted Nugent concert you cancel The Troops, and America, because they are three and the same!

    The draft dodging douche is part of the Holey Trinity?

  15. CthuNHu

    “To think that there’s a bureaucrat in the United States Army that would consider the use or abuse of First Amendment rights in determining who is going to perform at an Army base is an insult and defiles the sacrifices of those heroes who fought for the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights.”

    Uh oh, Lou Sarah, you're [sic] speechwriter is two-timing you!

  16. Tundra Grifter

    "To think that there’s a bureaucrat in the United States Army that would consider the use or abuse of First Amendment rights in determining who is going to perform at an Army base…"

    Next up: Grand Exhalted Dragon and the Seven Hoods.

  17. SexySmurf

    If Obama does tries to kill him, the Nuge could just deflect the bullets…WITH THE POWER OF ROCK.

    (I cued it to the appropriate part, so you don't have to actually listen to the song. You can thank me later.)

    1. actor212

      It took tens of thousands of dollars of therapy to forget that song, that band and especially, that video.

      You'll be hearing from my attorneys.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        i guess we all know what became of the Pick of Destiny.

        Someone other than Nugent found it.

    2. oldedinvn

      Thank you for something that is not available here.
      Really, from the other vomits I thank you.

  18. PubOption

    I very much doubt that the grunts will have heard of Ted Nugent. If liking guns is a requirement to play an army base, plenty of rappers should be available.

  19. MissTaken

    Do people currently serving in the Army even know who The Nuge is? His relevance today rivals that of the pet rock.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      In the evening, if you walk down the corridor of any of the many, many barracks at, say, Fort Hood TX, you will hear much noise, some of which may be recognizable as music, produced by sound systems whose output is measured on the Richter Scale.

    2. actor212

      They might know him from Dad's old "vinyl" collection. After all, rednecks, you see…

      I know I forced my daughter to listen to everything from Elvis to Nirvana.

    3. SorosBot

      Hell, I never heard of Nugent until he started getting all ranting and raving about the guns and shit, never heard his music, and I'm a semi-old like you.

  20. proudgrampa

    Unfortunately, Davy Jones is gone, but maybe Peter Tork and Michael Nesmith can put together a little show for the troops.

  21. Native_of_SL_UT

    Let me see if I can explain this to you, simple-minded Ted. In the Army they have this person they call the "Commander-in-Chief." Had a soldier from Fort Knox publicly stated the same thing you did, he would be facing what is called a "Court Marshall."
    Now while the Commander-in-Chief cannot Court Marshall you Ted, he certainly can tell you to stay the hell away from those men trained to respect their Commander-in-Chief.

  22. Generation[redacted]

    Paul McCartney once said in an interview, that looking back on his career, he was really glad that all those songs they played were about peace and love.

    OT, but I thought everyone could use an antidote of real rock-n-roll to keep things in perspective.

  23. WhatTheHeck

    Bottom line. I have never owned, nor listened to his music. The only time I come across his name is here on the Wonkets. So really, he doesn’t exist.

  24. Dudleydidwrong

    After a Turd Nugent concert on a military base the army would be up to its assholes in PTSD claims. So, no thanks, Turd, our troops can get PTSD the way their brothers- and sisters-in arms have done before, by actually being involved in shooting warfare, not from your shitty music..

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      A friend of mine introduced me to Al DiMeola in college. If it weren't for him and a few other people who felt it was worth the time I never would have been exposed to Al DiMeola, Joe Jackson, Black Flag, Judas Priest, Warren Zevon, The Crazy 8's, The Dead Kennedys and a bunch of other really awesome music and I'd still be listening to Styx and Rush* and would have ended up a Damn Yankees fan.

      *I still listen to Rush. They're awesome and either Geddy Lee or Alex Lifeson could have oven mitts taped to their hands and they'd still be better guitarists than the Nuge.

    2. doloras

      Big Bruford fan and up until this moment I had no idea you could interpret that gong as a giant booby.

  25. Steverino247

    I, too, find that album cover to be offensive. I would hope that any woman that attractive would desire to be nude in my presence because I'm a witty guy who posts on Wonkette (or one of my other talents). Call me deficient, but the idea of abusing or debasing women like that just doesn't do it for me. I can't have sex with anyone who isn't a friend first.

    (I hope the model was well paid for that photo shoot.)

    1. pdiddycornchips

      "I can't have sex with anyone who isn't a friend first. "

      Really? Have you even tried?

      1. Steverino247

        That's what I get for thinking of sex as a friendly activity. Something you do for fun with someone you like.

        Although I do make friends easily, so there's that…

  26. owhatever

    Nuge has promised he would be dead or in jail if Obama is re-elected. What's wrong with that?

  27. Smithboy

    I want the first bomber to break Iranian airspace to have Bill Kristol and Joe Lieberman on board. Not only would they lose contol of their bowel they would be screaming like little girls. Another example of tough guys pushing for wars who never wore a uniform.

  28. Wile E. Quixote

    “To think that there’s a bureaucrat in the United States Army that would consider the use or abuse of First Amendment rights in determining who is going to perform at an Army base is an insult and defiles the sacrifices of those heroes who fought for the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights,” Nugent said. Heroes like TED NUGENT!

    I'd like to see someone from the Army come forward and say "Allowing a disgusting coward who shit his pants and lived in his own filth to avoid military service to perform a concert on a military base is an insult that defiles the sacrifices of the heroes who fought for the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights."

  29. Dashboard Buddha

    "I had a career, Jack"

    And the dudes that went had careers, and girlfriends, and hopes, and wives, and mothers.

    What made you so special you vile piece of shit?

  30. fuflans

    btw and i'm sure it's been said before, but that cover art is as gross as the man himself.

  31. fitley

    I find it hard to take Teddy seriously unless he's wearing a loin cloth. The Flintstones look is happening. His current Army Cowboy look doesn't make sense.

  32. thefrontpage

    "What I really like about performing at military bases is the hundreds of strapping, hulky, sweaty young men in their uniforms, and, sometimes, in their tight shorts!!" Nugent exclaimed, sweating himself, in an interview with Sausage! magazine, an American gay magazine. "I love military men–I love to 'serve' with the troops, if you know what I mean. I'm also taking this opportunity to announced that Dan Savage is going to open for me at many of my military base shows. He is also really popular with the troops. And he's a good-looking young man, too. I love good-looking young men," Nugent said.

Comments are closed.