needs moar soy sauce

Whom Did Obama Kill At The White House Correspondents Dinner Last Night?

Jeez, give Wonkette commenters weekend posting, and all of a sudden they think you are never supposed to leave the house on a Saturday night again. HERE. HERE is your Happy Christmas Warrior In Chief cracking wise at the WHCD last night. NO, we didn’t liveblog it. We have to go out and get laid sometime. [Youtube]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

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232 comments

  1. DrunkIrishman

    Don't lie. No one on Wonkette has ever gotten laid. And if they did, it was a mercy fuck.

        1. Limeylizzie

          I have a long-standing , sensual ,WW2 era, love-affair with a young . black Airman named ChetKincaid.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Showing up and refusing to give any answers to the fierce, yet attractive, and cruel Waffen SS .

          2. memzilla

            1. Guten Abend. Ihre papiere, bitte.

            2. Good evening. Your papers, please.

            Works in 1938 Bavaria and SB 1070 Arizona.

            The difference is, you can't get good Mexican food in Bavaria, and no one's gonna be having sexual fantasies about an Arizona trooper.

          3. Dashboard Buddha

            "no one's gonna be having sexual fantasies about an Arizona trooper. "

            Oh, someone will. How do you think we keep getting all of those little troopers?

          4. Chet Kincaid

            I enjoy variety — sometimes, a lonely RAF Widow at a London dance during a bombing raid, sometimes a French Resistance Lady, other times, an Italian Partisan Beauty…but I'm always up for thumping that bass and paradiddling those tom-toms!

    1. mayor_quimby

      Honestly, I convinced the chica to eat BBQ, watch Barry's jokes, have a cocktail, then do all the work in bed last night. That qualifies for platinum player status, as far as I'm concerned. If anybody has similar stories of conquest, please share them, in detail.

        1. valthemus

          Noooooooooo! He's my current profile pic, actually.
          I put furry sex in the same category as clown porn and faithfully listening to Michael Savage. I just don't get it.

    2. Negropolis

      Or maybe, just maybe, it was a…a…skullfuck!

      Skullfucking: When mindfucking is too subtle.

      1. George Spelvin

        It does raise the question, "who are these guys?"

        And why haven't I met them before?

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          Obvs, you don't hang out lonely and alone at home all by yourself with nothing like teh Wonketz to fap to.

          As for the last part, you should be *grateful* you haven't met them before. Deity only knows what they would have done to your poor bod in their extreme need.

    3. nonbeliever7

      C'mon, don't be modest. Of course you're all getting laid. We all have "good personalities" and my mom keeps telling me that's what really counts.

  2. SheriffRoscoe

    Now, with so many "hook up" sites online, we don't have to go out anymore, we can just order in.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Remember the movie "Alive."

        "What are we going to have for dinner tonight? Chinese? Mexican…?"

      1. Angry_Marmot

        Genghis Balls, Genghis Balls… ♪♫ on a triple feature with Mongolian Beef II: The Ath of Khan and I Dig a Pony

    1. Tundra Grifter

      After last year's White House Correspondents' Dinner, he was more done than Ole Newt's vanity campaign.

          1. smokefilledroommate

            …and have everybody blow gold-plated sunshine up the Trump collective ass. Ivanka was probably genetically engineered, but apparently no money was left for the Donald Jr.– he seriously looks like a really bad 2 a.m. chili fart.

  3. ttommyunger

    Whom? Don't know. What did he kill? Any possible hope that Mittens can beat him on any one-on-one face-off in any venue. The guy is a substantial class act; he out-Bubbas Bubba.

    1. George Spelvin

      1. O is absolutely class. He can skewer people, and himself, and grin like it's just a joke, and you'd have to be Mitt Rmoney to not grin back.

      2. Clinton is still the epitome of making you believe he gives a shit. (iirc, you are not a big Bubba fan, so this may not be true for you, but it it is still true among the general populace). I have second-hand stories that make it clear that Slick could eviscerate opponents as easily as Obama can, but I believe that somewhen he figured out there is only so much a 6'4" white boy can say without looking like a dick.

      3. President Obama versus Governor Rmoney in a debate? Oh please oh please oh please. I mean, fuck, Obama is easily the most thoughtful President we've had in my 64-year lifetime (and, I'll remind you that I'm a big Bubba fan). And Mittens has to be reprogrammed with his current beliefs before every public appearance.

      Let me see, how does this go? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

      1. ttommyunger

        I voted for Clinton twice. I feel he had flaws which hurt himself, the Presidency and the Country, but he was the best choice available; other than that, I have no strong opinions about him. I agree with everything you say here.

  4. BornInATrailer

    Given the number of "fans" you seem to have, Editrix, you could probably insource that.

    However, there's a little saying I've read about the prospects for women in certain male dominated fields. And I suspect it applies to the Wonkette commenting pool:

    "The odds are good but the goods are odd."

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Did Jimmy Kimmel smoke weed on top of the White House like Elvis before he did this show? I swear that dude looks so high all the time – maybe he looks straight up when he's wasted?

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You are surely right about Willie. Maybe Elvis just brought a gun and was high already when he went to see Nixon? I've seen too many Behind the Musics, they all get jumbled up after a while and I forget who did how much of what drugs where.

    1. Lazy Media

      No foolin', he has a hideously bad back and is on pain meds a lot, so that could be some of it.

  6. Radiotherapy

    How can Obama denigrate the gravitas of POTUS by going on late night yack-fests? Or trying to be some kind of comedian?
    Don't give up your day job Mr President, no really, please don't lose to that animatronic vulture.

    1. Callyson

      Yes, NoCandor did…and I hope to see that smile on his face again on election night when they call the race for Obama…

  7. SayItWithWookies

    What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? The pit bull knows when it's cooked.

        1. SheriffRoscoe

          Oh no, I already saw it. I felt like a wingnut for a second, but I didn't feel it necessary to feed my indignation to the point of my head exploding. So I'm fine.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            I was a little surprised that he joked about it — but the palpable shock in the audience made me realize it was worth it.

          2. Veritas78

            It's an easy chance to poke her with a sharp stick, and she's enough of an egotist to bite: expect some stupid retort in the next news cycle.

            Which will serve our purpose of keeping the Krazies in sight. They picked Mitt because they can hide behind him better.

          3. Fare la Volpe

            The KKKrazies are already sputtering that it was a joke about having oral sex with Sarah Palin.

            Projection? What's that?

          4. 12X34X

            And who is Romney, the rebaptizer of dead Jewish people, going to hide behind? He's just a wingnut with a nicer suit.

          5. George Spelvin

            Wasn't that good? There was still audience noise well into his next lines.
            "Did you hear that?"

            That's the sound of a non-issue.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        I would not be sober enough to come up with something that clever at this hour. Thank you, SB!

  8. V572 Is this him?

    Honestly this little circle jerk and festival of self-regard gets waaaaay too much attention. You can bet there are plenty of good yuks and zingers at the Zinc Bushing Manufacturers' Association annual awards dinner too.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The Liquid Nitrogen Orchestra usually plays that gig — they have a superconductor.

    2. Arken

      You have to admit, all the years of terrible jokes and lame routines were totally worth it for Colbert spending 90 minutes insulting Bush directly to his face.

      1. V572 Fehrnstrom

        It’s all been a letdown since Colbert told them their job was to type up the president’s decision.

    3. littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, but Bammerz nailed it, and this was the most important event in the late spring timeframe. Can you imagine how bad Rmoney would've been?

  9. SheriffRoscoe

    I want to see Mittens do a stand-up comedy routine. Can't you see it now? I can't get enough of the one about flying in from someplace and having tired arms! I might shit myself next time I hear it.

    1. vulpes82

      "Take my wife-unit! Please!"

      "An amusing anecdote comes to mind regarding office supplies…"

      "My father once fired a thousand workers, and…"

    2. Chichikovovich

      Last night I fired a bunch of people in my pyjamas! Why I didn't change into something more official first I'll never know.

      1. George Spelvin

        You have caused me cognitive dissonance, or possibly cognitive wtf. I cannot think if it is George or Groucho, and I refuse (for the drunken moment) to look it up. Or it could be someone else. Gah.

    3. JustPixelz

      Who can forget this moment:

      “You, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership,” Romney said. “And so ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meat Loaf. You fired Gary Busey. These are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir.”

      Of course, Mitt wasn't joking.

  10. criticaldsj

    There are positions couples can use so that one can live blog an event and get laid at the same time. I would gladly volunteer to assist in experimentation if called upon.

  11. Callyson

    Whom Did Obama Kill At The White House Correspondents Dinner Last Night?

    It has to be said…AOTK…

  12. Bluestatelibel

    Ken Layne never left his house on Saturday night either. What do you think Wonkette is, Rebecca, the Secret Service?

    1. Negropolis

      Ken never left his fuhrerbunker; I mean, god only knows when the zombie apocalypse is going to pop off.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    Rebecca:

    You were missed!

    Isn't it nice to be wanted? Ask Osama Bin Laden.

    If you have to leave the pad to get laid you must be married.

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Babe in a bar: "So what do you do in your spare time?"
    Dude interested in Babe in a bar: "I comment on Wonkette!"
    Babe in the bar: "I hate anal sex."

  15. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I heard Newt was not happy with the jokes at his expense but I couldn't see his face when they panned to his enormous head. That was disappointing.

    1. finallyhappy

      I thought I saw Callista laughing but there are quite a few waxy faced blondes at Washington events so I am not sure

    2. Negropolis

      When I saw it on telvision, Gingirch was open-mouthed laughing. He seemed to love it. It wasn't that Trump sneer from yesteryear.

  16. rocktonsam

    haha, in five years, getting laid Saturday night will turn into putting the fat sweats on, order Pizza Hut , slop down Ben and Jerry's while watching re runs of M*A*S*H Saturday night.

    1. cheetojeebus

      Yeah, my Saturday nights are already a joke. A short messy one after which I hate myself.

  17. Radiotherapy

    Srsly, hitting all the political news points, self-deprecating, tasteless, multi-media, picking apart wingtards, machine gunning humor? OK, no skull or butt sechs jokes, but damn if we don't give this guy a Honorary Wonkette Commentor of the Weekend Award.

  18. RavenRant

    I made a horrible mistake. I went to twitchy.com, Michelled Malkin's new site. The majority of the commenters had convinced themselves that the 'pit bull' joke was actually about oral sex with Sarah Palin. ???

    There is no mind so filthy as that of a religious right wingnut. Wonketteers, you're not even in the running. (Sorreeee.)

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Of course it doesn't, and you don't want it to. Don't gaze into the abyss, for GOD'S SAKE DON'T STARE INTO THE ABYSS!"

    1. LetUsBray

      In the first place, that is so obviously not what he was talking about, and second, there is not enough brain bleach in the whole damn universe…

    2. Negropolis

      I feel bad, because I couldn't figure out the joke, and considered that it may have been a double or triple entendre. I still don't get it, and I usually get a lot of subtle humor or entendres..

      1. Veritas78

        It's about the right-wing pretending to get in a snit because, in Obama's autobiography, he talks about eating dog in Indonesia as a child. "Pit bulls are delicious."

        Happily, there's a giant dog-whistle in there to Sarah Palin, giving her an opportunity to grab more of the limelight.

        And maybe some other stuff, but I think those were the two primary purposes to that riff. Plus, it was a good lead-in to the pre-produced dog jokes.

        He has good writers.

        1. Negropolis

          No, no, no. I totally get where all the moving parts came from (Sarah Palin, dog-eating, etc…), I just don't get the joke. It doesn't make sense beyond tying a bunch of gratuitous parts together and blurting them out. Unless there is something else to the joke, I just found it self-indulgent and gratuitous, and I generally like what he does. It had a whole Rush Limbaugh, shock-jock, attention-whoring quality to it, but what really turned me off to it is that it doesn't make sense.

          I don't know, the whole angle just bothered me in the worst way when I saw it the other night, and I don't consider myself a prude. It seems a lot of folks are going along with it just because, but if I want that kind of humor, I like it from some seedy club comic.

          1. George Spelvin

            I have a comment downstream, but I'll reprise the main point here.

            Yes, it was blunt and, arguably, offensive. It was also funny, as in: unexpected, contrary to reason, out of sequence, slightly offensive to common beliefs.

            Argument in favor: the amount of background noise that followed the "pit bull" joke. This is never again going to be a serious "issue". It's a joke.

            Argument against: I, personally, would have been absolutely delighted to deliver that joke. I am an abysmally bad politician.

            Rebuttal to argument against: Barack Obama is not an abysmally bad politician.

          2. Geminisunmars

            I cheered at that joke. It was his "Audacity of Joke" moment, for me.

            Plus, good analysis. Or, because we are here at Wonkette: Good anal, Sis.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Welcome to the fold! Your copy of The Agenda is in the mail, as is your discount card for 40% off the latest in fabulous goose-stepping boots.

    3. RavenRant

      Sorry, I have been offline for hours. No, there is no intelligent excuse for this bizarre take on the President's remarks. But, since when has that mattered?

      He wants to 'eat' Queen Palin, y'all!!1?!!!

      Cannibalism/miscegenation/Glen Rice/the 'Sheriff is Near' alarm.

    4. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      It is unpossible that they could arrived at this conclusion by dint of thinking. There is no logical process that connects the one thought to the other.

      These people are on some FINE drugs, totally FINE, man.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        They came to that conclusion because they are always thinking about oral sex with Sarah Palin.

        Let that horrorfest sink in for a minute.

  19. Tundra Grifter

    Just the same "Twichy" is enough to keep me away. Who names a website after a junkie?

  20. chascates

    Editrix, you have spoiled the proles by posting on the weekend. Ken almost never did that and once you did that we expect it all the time now. Snark, seven days a week.

  21. BarackMyWorld

    "We have to go out and get laid sometime."

    Whatever, Rebecca, we've seen you. I'm sure there's no shortage of guys trying to hook up with you the other 6 days of the week.

    1. HistoriCat

      There's a good cross-section of Wonkette commenters who would be happy to help out. Wait – you don't suppose she's on of those women who have standards do you?

      1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        If she was, she wouldn't be here.

        Some NICE pix of Editrix available via Google. Hotcha, mama!

        ETA: But my heart still belongs to KBJ. And Sara Benincasa. And … but you get my drift.

  22. ElPinche

    After the gala event, the Obamas went home and gently removed Chuck Todd's ginger whiskers from their taints. Then they made sweet presidential love til the breakadawn.

      1. George Spelvin

        Of course it was. That's why it was funny.

        Lizzie, you're not thinking literally, are you?

  23. Wile E. Quixote

    We have to go out and get laid sometime. [Youtube]

    I'm disappointed. I clicked on that Youtube link at the end of the sentence "We have to go out and get laid sometime." hoping for a hot and completely NSFW (unless you work at a porn theatre with especially sticky floors) Commiegirl Editrix on Kristen Boyd Johnson video, perhaps starting off with some innocent wine-drinking and hair-braiding that would quickly lead to a tentative kiss and thence to some hot womano y womano action and all I got was some boring C-SPAN video from some boring event with President Obama and a bunch of goddamned villagers. What a rip-off!

  24. CivicHoliday

    That part where Bammerz looks at Michelle and says, "yeah, I sing that to her sometimes"? My ladyparts got all tingly.

    1. not that Dewey

      That article would have have more credibility if it hadn't included a slide show of red carpet photos.

      and to illustrate exactly how irritating this phenomenon is, here's a slideshow of all the beautiful people

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I don't think the author necessarily hates it, but they're saying other people did. Which is promising.

      1. He1senberg

        No sir/mam/thing/it…I just think the person who writes it is funny. Assumptions I tell ya Inspector gadget. They get you NOWHERE.

  25. Wile E. Quixote

    Whom Did Obama Kill At The White House Correspondents Dinner Last Night?

    Andrew Breitbart? Oh wait, that was like two months ago, never mind.

  26. Boojum

    Dear Ms. Schoenkopf,

    I read with interest your reference to "getting laid". I, too, am an aficionado of the sexual arts! I would be extremely interested in corresponding with you regarding this matter.

    I can be reached via the Electroteletube device known as the Interwebs.

    Very truly yours,

    B

    1. littlebigdaddy

      BJ: Exactly–put your best foot forward. Maybe she would like some Magic-the Gathering cards to prime the pump.

      1. Boojum

        LBD,

        Do you think so? I have a fine collection, but was unsure whether to mention it.

        Thank you for your kind words. Please advise me if ever you can. I am not quite so experienced as I undoubtedly appear.

        Sincerely,

        B

    1. George Spelvin

      Also, Sarko's 50 euromegaclam scandal and a really lovely essay from Commie Mom — if you haven't read it, you oughta.

      I was going to ask if you sunburned anything traveling thru Aridzona, but then I remembered that you can't burn through window glass.

      1. Barb

        Hello, George! Love "Aridzona" Always such a pleasure to see you.

        The only place I got burned was in the casino. I've never failed as much as I did on this trip. It was exciting to see Tiger Woods play poker. I know he's a horn dog and I accept him as he is.

        Commie Mom is fascinating. She's like Forrest Gump in that she's seen so many interesting things in her lifetime.

        1. George Spelvin

          I think it's easier to accept Tiger's horndogginess because we know that his ex and kids are pretty well taken care of.

          (Blatant request for info): What level was Tiger playing at — 25/50 or hi roller?

          My older kid is about to graduate college next week, and then head for Vegas for a couple of months of tournaments. I'm just trolling for possible cash game info.

          1. Barb

            I look at a man like Tiger and I see a man who has been manipulated as a child and I could easily understand where he could go crazy as an adult. I wish he would have found this inner freak before he married and had two children. It happened and I am over it. He got spanked by the media for long enough, in my opinion. It is what it is.

          2. George Spelvin

            My previous (unpublished) reply originally contained several paragraphs about my own marital history, and speculations about whether it would have been different if I had ever made more than $300K a year. (Answer: I don't know, because it never happened).

            I didn't even think about the fact that he was trained from toddlerhood to play golf, period. Good point.

            Ultimately, my point was that I don't get emotionally invested in the lives of rich celebrities, because they're all going to be as all right as anyone can expect, because of money.

          3. Barb

            My first husband, Mike was born wealthy. Money didn't keep him from growing up to be one of those people who collects rainwater, guns and canned meat for the race war.

            Mike recently told our two daughters that he is ashamed of them because they married men who cannot take care of them when the race war starts. Ian and Jason can't hunt a deer, skin it and make clothes out of it. They are both lawyers, damn them!

            If millions and millions of dollars mattered, Mike wouldn't be trying to scare two, eight-month pregnant girls that the world is going to end because of the "brown people." Money is not the lovely deodorant that many people think it is.

  27. Negropolis

    Whom did Obama kill? Well, from the tenor of a bulk of the jokes, a few dozen metaphorical dogs, apparently.

    1. George Spelvin

      One could call that performance "counter-Rovian". Instead of attacking his opponent's strengths, he attacked his own media-related weaknesses with jokes. The self-mocking approach wouldn't work well against serious criticism — e.g., there weren't any drone jokes — but I think it's very effective at inoculating against bullshit. It's gonna be a little harder for any of the attendees to maintain a straight face while writing something about a hot mike, or the GSA or Secret Service, or canine cuisine, given that O has beaten them to the punchline.

      Maybe he overdid the canine angle a little, but did you hear the room noise after the first (pit-bull) joke? "He didn't really say that, did he?" repeated several hundred times. It's now a joke. Some of the attendees will even make jokes about it, but it's no longer an "issue", just a joke.

      The only thing I didn't like was the Rmoney video, which was stupid-over-the-top, and, what is worse, not funny (except for "Angel" playing behind Bo). I suppose it might have been a warning shot to Team Mittens, but I thought it broke up the flow.

      All in all, I like his writers (which may include him, but I assume that the rigors of Presidenting don't allow enough time to personally craft such a good act).

  28. littlebigdaddy

    Whom did Obama kill? My guess is he sent some bio-engineered insect-sized drones after Assad, but that would just be speculation.

  29. George Spelvin

    I have no visual to respond to, but Diane Keaton is about my age and as far as I'm concerned she can dress however the fuck she wants to. TYVM.

    1. Serfville

      Wa? Huh? I did not say one negative about the way she was dressed. It was the Annie Hall style that's all I said. I really like her too, & she is unique. What's with the f word? Are you kidding? As far as I'm concerned, I can snark however the heck I want to. TYVM INFINITY.

  30. George Spelvin

    Oh, Editrix. It is this far into the evening that I looked at the supertitle, or whatever.

    Needz moar soy sauce indeed.

  31. actor212

    NO, we didn’t liveblog it. We have to go out and get laid sometime.

    You mean to tell me the bounteous ad income from this site is insufficient and you have to work a second job?

  32. oldedinvn

    Screw you people what can just go oyt & get layed. Us old, really old people only know negotiable affection. Today, two beautiful ladies mentioned their pay at a dead end job. Wow, they make 2 million dong ($100) a month. Shit, shit ,sgigit. I wish I dint have no conscience. For $300 a month I could have 22 & 25 year olds as wifes & fire the $50 a month house cleaner. Fuck morals, I am going to Harvard B School to have them extracted.

  33. dandalion

    I think its great that he can poke fun at himself! Love the part about his birth and the secret service curfew!

    Others just need to stop being a bunch of nancies and put down their purses and take it like a man. Just like I tell my boys about teasing… If you cant take it, don't dish it!

Comments are closed.