Success.Oh Mitt. Mittele. Bubbeh. Have you ever considered just not talking? Here you are, acting as a human Sominex, and telling an inspirational story about your buddy Jimmy John, and how he had a great idea for a business, so he just borrowed $20,000 from his parents, and the rest was history!

Are you old enough to remember when George H.W. Bush, well into his only term, had a photo op at a grocery store and was wowed by the electric scanner the checker was using? That was considered “out of touch” back then even though it maybe wasn’t very fair to expect POTUS to do his own grocery shopping. But here, Der Mittenmonster really seems to believe that everybody’s got 20 large lying around to pump into their kids’ hot app idea or weed delivery service. You’d think he would know better, since he’s been unceasingly slagging Bammerz for causing the US to go into such a terrible Depression by having been president from 2000 to 2008. Maybe Romney thinks “Depression” means the poor only have $30 big in checking? If you’re in financial difficulties, fellows, may I suggest cutting the chauffeur to part time, and perhaps R&Ring in Palm Beach instead of the Maldives? Oh well. Let us all eat horsey cake.

We would begin to feel sorry for poor Mitt McDuck, but then, you know, we remember everything that has ever come out of his mouth.


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  • Pull yourself up by your parent's bootstraps!*

    *Assuming they still have boots that haven't been boiled to make last week's dinner.

  • cheetojeebus

    Borrowing from your economy's projected growth: bad
    borrowing from your parents limited and stressed income: good
    cheap education loans to invest in our future: bad
    subsidies to oil industry when they are making massive profits:good
    this economic stuff is so friggin confusing. I'm going to go mow the grass* and cogitate on this.

    *with my 35 year old piece of shit lawnmower i can' afford to replace and it always fucking throws the god damn belt off and I gotta crawl under the greasy old thing everytime to put it back on. geeze my fucking blood pressure…….

    • I have a working 28 year old mower and would like to mow your lawn for you… I'll take boiled boot or a hobo bean as payment.

      See Mittens I am entrepeneur!

      • NellCote71

        You people have lawns???

      • nonbeliever7

        Sorry Manchu, but as a college educated elitist, I only use illegal immigrant labor. Stephen Colbert highly recommends someone named Juan Deere.

        • I have that beat, it's a Toro.

          • cheetojeebus

            haha, mine IS an old JD and i'm taking a break from putting the god damn belt back on, I kid you not. And as far as old boots?! That's why I shoogood the fukking sole back on, it's my only pair! maybe i can give you a can of hobo beans on Tuesday?
            I DO wish i was exaggerating!

      • Man0nTheStreet

        Will you take hobo bean futures derivatives? I've got a hot tip…

    • SudsMcKenzie

      You do your own lawn?, your ready to run for political office for Pete's sake.

    • redarmyzombie

      Mow your own grass? Don't you know, only PEASANTS do that?

  • JackDempsey1

    Franchise opportunity:
    Bulk industrial-strength hair gel and dye in the 20500 zip code and vicinity.

  • Beowoof

    Cool Mitt, my parents had 20,000 in debt they would have loved to give me.

  • CivicHoliday

    #1 THANK YOU BEX for posting another story so the headliner isn't gangrape all weekend, and #2 THANK YOU MITT for continuing to prove to Americans over and over and over again how far up your ass that silver spoon really goes

    • Geminisunmars

      If only we had Ann Richards around for the convention this time to say "Poor Mitt Romney – he was born with a silver spoon up his ass."

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Stories involving Romney's plans for America *are* about gang-rape!

  • barto

    Mint Rmoney: Parents are the new job creators, we guess? Now go clean your room!

  • soeoho

    I'll bet you 10K he doesn't know …. *yawn*… sorry…must go back to slee.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Plus those Jimmy John sandwiches suck.

    • Exhausted66

      I have an idea for a shop that sells sandwiches!

      Groundbreaking stuff there, Jimmy John.

      • tessiee

        Heh, I can beat that: I'm gonna open a fast-food burger place.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Let them eat Jimmy Johns.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I am continually amazed that every fat fuck I know heads there for a sandwich at lunch. You mean, I can get lunch meat with olive oil on bread? Riveting.

    • Geminisunmars

      I tried them. Once.

    • BerkeleyBear

      The way it was always explained to me was that the guy was targeting drunk college kids, and that built a base for the later stores.

      I gotta say the ingredients are marginally better than Subway (I like the 9 grain bread and jumbo dill pickles, but not enough to go out of my way for it) but my wife hates them.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        In Austin, Thundercloud Subs or Delaware Subs are the best. But I believe both are only local/regional.

        • Jennyjen798

          Om nom noms Thundercloud!

          I agree, Jimmy John's is terrible. The only thing they do decent is the delivery but I'd still rather walk to Subway or Thundercloud than get a delivered Jimmy Johns sandwich.

    • fuflans

      god yes.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Damn, you mean I didn't have to work my ass off getting an athletic scholarship to play college b-ball, I could have just asked my Pops for the dough for tuition? My 50-year-old arthritic ankles and knees wish I would have thought of that in 1978.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      "…My 50-year-old arthritic ankles and knees…"

      Are you one of Mittbott's dressage horses?

      • ProgressiveInga

        If only….. I would probably have better living conditions and better healthcare…..

        • Man0nTheStreet

          …and a better sex-life, perhaps?

  • I say we all approach Mittens for non-refundable 20k startup loans. My concept is a lobbying firm that specializes in research among multiple wives in Utah.

    • Veritas78

      Hey, mebbe that's the key to Mormonism. You have eight or ten parents to borrow money from.

      Of course, you have sixty siblings doing the same thing, so it might not work out so great.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Or, you can just wait till they die and inherit millions!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Parents are people too my friends.

    • Geminisunmars

      Speak for yourself. Suds.

      • SudsMcKenzie

        That reminds me, I should really give my Mom a call …

        • Veritas78

          That bitch?

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Mitt's parents were corporations, sp it's an easy mistake for him to make.

      They probably were each incorporated separately; that's something the riches used to do back in Ike days to avoid paying 80% income tax.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    Mitt's glaring out-of-touchness aside, I'll bet you $10,000 that there are tons more "borrow 20 large from my parents" stories that end badly than end well. And then I'll only need to borrow 10 grand from my parents.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Yeah and sometimes they wind up on Judge Judy, where they both entertain and educate us.

  • AlterNewt

    Thanks a lot, dad. I thought all you had was that 3lb. coffee can full of silver dollars from Vegas that we used to…


  • SheriffRoscoe

    Sunset Boulevard aka The Boulevard of Broken Dreams, strewn with young people selling their bodies and souls in exchange for acting lessons and health club memberships, is but one parental loan away from being banished from the American Landscape, forever.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Yes – then all those lost, wayward girls can marry one nice rich Mormon boy and live out their lives as *completely fulfilled* stay-at-home mothers…

      • horsedreamer_1

        Belladonna tried that. Didn't take.

    • fuflans

      sunset has more potential than anything a romney presidency will produce.

    • not that Dewey

      I'm still big. It's the economy that got small.

  • bumfug

    There is no way this fucking moron really wants to be president – it's not possible to say shit like this and not realize that you sound like the rich guy in a 1930s comedy.

    • It'll hopefully end with a high society pie fight thanks to some waiters named Larry, Curly and Moe.*

      • bumfug

        That's funny, I originally wrote "in a Three Stooges movie" but decided to generalize it.

    • I too cant believe he would say stuff like this, and to think he has followers! I just hope not enough to make him president because if he does I am screwed.

      I am a working mom that goes to school!!!

    • tessiee

      "it's not possible to say shit like this and not realize that you sound like the rich guy in a 1930s comedy"

      Perhaps he's not as clueless as he seems, since we're apparently re-enacting a 1930s tragedy.

      • GeneralLerong

        Damn straight. Complete with a Depression. Only this time the 1% take the government to the cleaners.

        Taibbi's right. Time to fill up the federal pound-me-in-the-ass prisons with a bunch of financiers. Let's see them apply their huge skills there – seems like a natural for a survivor show series, such being the state of drama these days.

    • Needs moar top hat, morning dress, cane, & monocle.

    • PhilippePetain

      You mean the good guys? <—republican response

  • ThundercatHo

    Hey Wonketeers, let's brainstorm. Please submit ideas for start-up companies. I'm sure the Mittster would be happy to front us all at least $20k since he's such a great job creator. I'll start. My idea is to create a dickhead detector so that women will know if the new guy they're talking to is a Republican.

    • I would like to start my own bank/strip club.

      • ThundercatHo

        Is the idea here to tuck your deposits into the teller's "magic" underwear?

        • Sort of. The customer's won't howl about all the service charges I'm screwing them over with because "Hey look! Boobs and Vajayjay!"

          • EtchySketchy

            I have a great idea for a sandwich shop offering customers a choice between Wonder Bread and Mayonnaise sandwiches or Mayonnaise and Wonder Bread sandwiches.

            $20k please, uncle Mitt.

          • Do they come come with chips?

            cuz yummmmmm.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Hey! Let's put on a show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • GeneralLerong

      A phone app that shows a guillotine whenever you encounter a financier and you're not actually applying for a loan, buying stock, or pointing a gun to a cash register operator.

      Downside: Requires encountering a financier in a non-$1000-three-piece-suit everyday social situation, such as standing in line at the food truck.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Funny, I was just discussing a new business idea with some friends last night. Topless bowling alley.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Mitt wouldn't even finance R rated films (true story), so I don't think he'll help with your idea. I would, if I hadn't already been turned down at the Bank of Mom & Dad to clear ups some debts (fucking assholes claim my ROI potential isn't high enough to merit preferential rates).

      • finallyhappy

        Yeah, that would be awesome where I bowl – duckpins with other seniors- at almost 60- I am the young gal.

      • HistoriCat

        Meh – topless bowling alley is so passe …

        Now – bottomless bowling alley? Let's talk.

    • lulzmonger

      Chastity belts for altar boys FTW.


    "If they don't have parents, let them hire a lobbyist".

  • tessiee

    How about we each borrow $20K from Mitt's parents?

  • AutomaticPilot

    I need $20k to start my own fudge-packing business.

    • Dude, there are plenty of people who will pack your fudge for free.

  • tessiee

    I hope this ass-marmot loses all his money and ends up having to sell all his commas on a street corner.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I hope he gets cancer of the semicolon, and ends up having to punctuate into a rubber bag.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    “We all recognize that we want to get more women into the Secret Service…"

    • "And the Secret Service into more women!" BADABOOM!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Thank you. Geez, tough crowd today.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Hey Mitt, don’t be encouraging kids to go to college. Remember, it’s in college where they get all liberal and not inclined to vote for people like you.

  • Schmannnity

    Pay no attention to the man in front of the curtain.

  • EtchySketchy

    Trust Fund Socialism.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I'll gladly ask my parents for $20k and give it to Mittens if he would just shut the fuck up.

    • finallyhappy

      I'm going to ask my parents- but being that they are both dead and buried- I'm thinking I 'll ask your folks instead

  • EtchySketchy

    Great idea Mitt, I'm off to Walmart to hit Dad up for 20 G. I hope he's not too busy greeting people.

    • Bet you $10K that 93-y.o. who had to take a job sweeping floors is just dying to ask his parents for a loan.

  • Chichikovovich

    [From earlier thread, now no longer OT:]

    More input from the real world: Mitt said that his pal borrowed $20,000 from the folks, according to online Jimmy Johns company hagiography it was $25,000 in 1983. Checked my handy internet inflation calculator, and that $25,000 in 1983 is about $60,000 in today's dollars. More than the median American household earns in a year and a half.

    • HateMachine

      My parents just might actually have that much socked away, and I'm betting $60,000 against them lending it to me for my brilliant, super-innovative, one-of-a-kind idea to start a company that sells sandwiches.

      • My parents would yell, "If you want to get 60K* to make sandwiches then get a fucking job at Subway."

        *based on what Subway pays, it would take 60K years to earn

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, you and your damn facts.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It was really $20 grand — the extra five thousand bucks Jimmy spent on a brand new Packard, so it didn't go directly to the business.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I had to look at that again. I can't believe he's giving advice based on something his friend did in 1983.

      "Kids, if you want to succeed, first invent a time machine."

      Now, let me tell you about this young man named Rockafeller, who went out into America with only the dream of finding oil in the ground and selling it…

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        I can top that. Come and listen to the story of a man named, Jed, a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed…

  • BarackMyWorld

    The last Republican nominee for president who didn't get their big break in life because of family connections? Bob Dole.

    Goodbye Horatio Alger, hello Monty Brewster.

    • NYNYNYjr

      McCain didn't use his family connections to screw Cindy McCain and thus win the beer millions…he did it with his own adulterous pluck.

      • BarackMyWorld

        His family connections got him into Annapolis and Cindy's family got him elected to Congress.

        • Yeah, I mean, there's a USS John S. McCain floating out there somewhere in the Navy, named after grandpa and daddy, both of whom were admirals.

          • BarackMyWorld

            To be fair, McCain didn't use his family connections to get out of that POW camp, though.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Also, what struck me the most about the supermarket scanner thing was that the technology was not at all new! I remember scanners being in supermarkets since the mid-'70s! Yet G.H.W. Bush had still never seen them before.

    • AlterNewt

      ..or an ATM.

      • tessiee

        I heard that there are minute trace amounts of cocaine on all US paper money, because coke hit its height of popularity in the late 70s, right around the time ATMs became widely available, and it spread and transferred from them.

        Then I remembered that we all have the new paper money with the big-headed presidents, so the coke money is probably all gone by now.

        Oh, wait. All the money is all gone by now.
        $: – (

        • AlterNewt

          Maybe they ground up the old coke infused money, bleached it, and used it for cut in New Coke.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      In fairness to GHWB, the story was exaggerated in the telling. First off, it wasn't at a grocery store, it was at a trade show, and what he was amazed by was that the scanner was built into a scale (which while common now, really was completely new at the time, and not in the stores yet) and the demonstration showed how the new tech could scan even torn or wrinkled UPC labels. So for all the man's cluelessness, I think that on this one, he really did get portrayed unfairly. And Snopes backs me up, also, too.

      • Generation[redacted]

        It was an amazing technological feat, and they demonstrated scanning bar codes ripped into pieces.

        Didn't change the fact that his opponents now had a picture of him standing at a grocery check-out counter going, "Wow! What's that?"

        Price of Arugula. Also.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          And to think it took another 20 years for "truthiness" to actually be coined!

    • wolvenwood13

      That's OK, Bush has still never seen a poor person either.

  • But Jimmy Johns got $25K from his Daddy Warbucks in 1983 when the CPI wuz 99.3. Today the CPI is 235.7, so to give today's grandbaby a comparable entrepreneurial nut would need to be just under $60 large. Mrs. weejee & I have 5 grandbabies, so we need $300K under the mattress in disposable green. Mmmm, gotta start sellin' more engineering. Any Wonkleteers need a cup of engineering or 6?

    • Can't afford it at those prices, weej. Hell, hobo beans done gone up again.

  • My parents recently offered to gift me two grand to put towards a new (used) car, which is probably about as much as they can afford. Maybe Ann could give me whichever Cadillac she uses less and my folks could instead keep the money for their retirement, if they get to retire.

    • My parents can't gift me shit, being dead, and all.

    • Generation[redacted]

      My parents gave me a bus schedule, and I was never late for work again.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He makes me feel so aspirational. I'm going to throw in an olive and a splash of Vermouth into my Hand Sanitizer cocktails tonight and get my entrepreneurial swerve on.

  • Callyson

    I got to three seconds in before I started to nod off…what was Mittens going on about again?

    Oh, yeah, borrow money from your parents, who if they are *lucky* have a retirement account that is the same size as a decade ago (hope they like dog food), have a house that is only underwater by 20% (that's OK, it'll recover by the time the grandkids go to college), oh, and they also didn't lose jobs thanks to the W recession.

    OK, my rage has woken me up again…

  • VinnyThePooh

    $20k is Willard Wanker's annual Just For Men budget.

    • If you mean that's how much he spends on his underroos annually, yeah, probly.

  • anniegetyerfun

    God bless that beautiful black man to the left who falls asleep repeatedly during this speech. I'm sure he was recruited specifically to make it look like anyone of color could possibly love Mittens, and he did everyone proud by showing just HOW FUCKING BORING this guy is.

    Also, Mittens was "with a guy named Jimmy John." I'll bet more than once.

  • ttommyunger

    Gee, Mittens. I remember calling my dad on a cold November night in l959. I'd gotten picked up by a speed cop a few states away and needed ten bucks or spend the night in jail waiting for Traffic Court in Clarksville, TN. My dad calmly replied: "You got yourself into this, get yourself out of it." and hung up on me. He was not a bad parent or poor, he was just different from your dad; and I turned out different from you, you cunt.

    • AddHomonym

      Mitt has neither the depth nor the warmth to rate being called a cunt. (This comment brought to you by some random "friend" of mine on the Facebook.)

      • ttommyunger

        On reflection, you are correct.

    • lulzmonger

      It's funny, because he really DOES plaster on the makeup like a trollop.

      • ttommyunger

        For all the good it does him.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Were sandwiches innovative in 1983? I was just starting first grade, and although I loved sandwiches, I don't know if I thought of them as particularly revolutionary.

    • bagofmice

      Mitt seems to think so, if you play your cards right.

    • finallyhappy

      I don't think so -I was born in 53 and eating sandwiches- esp hoagies(Philly!!) for most of my life.

  • EtchySketchy

    Only works if your name is Biff, Chip, Topsy, Scooter, Corky, Skip, Mitt, Topper or Tagg.

  • SaintRond

    That motherfucker.

  • rickmaci

    Holy John Edwards. Twenty big is nothing to the Mittenz fam. I'd bet Mitt and Ann spend that much per year with their hair stylists for cuts and color. EACH!

  • Isyaignert

    Haha – keep talking Rmoney!

    I feel like I'm watching a re-run of Gilligan's Island with Thurston Howell III running against the Professor – literally!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Mandatory plug for Tom Carson's brilliant Gilligans Wake, one of the most hilariously po-mo novels I've read in ages. The conceit is that each of the castaways has a far more extensive backstory than anyone knew: The Skipper was a PT Boat chief who hated that cocky Kennedy kid, Lovey Howell shot heroin with Daisey Buchanan in the 20s, Ginger was ill-used by the Rat Pack, and the entire story may actually be the deranged fantasy of one M. Krebs, a patient in a locked ward.

      (The Professor, it turns out, was in charge of everything, and not just on the island. He's sort of like a cross between the Cigarette-Smoking Man, J Robert Oppenheimer, and Zelig, turning up everywhere… Also a brief "cameo" of an Indiana-born PR man for GE who briefly opposes the Professor's schemes, a would-be novelist named Fungott or something, who keeps going on about his brother the scientist…)

      EDIT: Squeee! It's on e-book! Bought and downloaded!

      • Isyaignert

        Kewl – thanks for the recommendation – it looks like a fun read while I'm on the treadmill.

      • Sounds fascinating. So, how you liking the e-book, and would you recommend?

        I ended up in a whole heap of trouble for taking 30 books to Ozland. The luggage allowance outa there is TINY! (15 lb)

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          I am truly enamored of my e-reader (Don't want to sound like an ad, so I won't mention brands; we'll just say that it's NOT the one from world' It'll never replace real books, especially the academic kind of reading where you really need to jot notes in the margins, but I'm quite pleased with it. I got a basic e-ink model, not one of the tablet types, so there's no web browser or other bells and whistles. Still, I can get the Sunday NY Times for 99 cents, and that's kind of nifty.

          Something to consider if you're buying an e-reader: due to the stupidities of international copyright and licensing agreements, many ebooks are only sold in the US of A; since you're residing in Ozland for the time being, you would want to make sure that whatever platform you get can be used across the wide blue sea (They'll all work, of course, but whether you can buy new stuff may be a question–but you can always get free public domain stuff from Project Guttenberg anywhere…). Apparently, there are workarounds for the major devices, too, though I haven't had to avail myself of that sort of thing.

          • I'm actually back here, now, but yeah, I did run into problems trying to acquire books in Ozland off ArmourZone because copyright issues and whatever. Perhapty it's time to stop being such a fucking Luddite and get rid of the several tons of compostable paper in these year parts. Thanks for the recom, Doc!

      • Oh man, I love that book. I've read it two or three times. In fact, as I look across the room at my bookcase I see I have it shelved right next to Catch-22. The section about the professor is pure genius.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          Heh–just came across a fine description from the SF Chronicle's review: It's like a crossword puzzle based on the album cover photo of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"

      • Came out the year before "Lost" went on the air? Do you think they drew inspiration?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    When Ambien can't sleep, it takes Mitt Romney.

    He's The Least Interesting Man In the World

    (reposted from the tail end of the other MittensThread; video from Real Time With Bill Maher)

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    $20,000 is, after all, just two bets on trivia with Rick Perry.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Mitt — if your parents can float you $20k (or $60 something thousand in today's dollars), then what do you think the chances are that they can/did
    — loan him the use of the family lawyer to help write up the papers
    — call their friend the mayor/senator/councilman and get one or a few inspections and applications expedited
    — put in a good word with the bank president he golfs with once a month when ol' Jimmy needs another loan?

    It's not just the money, see — the privileged have inherently more opportunities by dint of their hanging out with more of the privileged. Not that there's anything wrong with that — it's the nature of the beast.

    But there is a problem with the country being run by someone who thinks everyone has those same opportunities — the guy who says he isn't going to worry about the poor because they have this fantastic safety net. It doesn't strike me as the outlook of a person who's going to bring prosperity to all.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      But everyone who was born on third base will get to take credit for that triple they hit.

    • Veritas78

      He doesn't need to bring prosperity to all! Just a few people, like his friends, who can set an inspirational example to the rest of us lazy slackers who didn't have the common sense to be born rich.

      I swear, he's the gift that will keep on giving. He really believes this crap, and he'll keep spewing it because it's all he knows. Shallowest, most sheltered fuck ever. "My dad went broke several times." "We were poor growing up in Mexico." His patron saint is indeed the Angel Moroni.

  • Chichikovovich

    Mitt's story reminds me of an old buddy from high-school, Jean-Claude, who was out of work about 30 years ago after the gold mine north of town closed up. He was going down to the corner store to get a pack of smokes but he was broke so he asked his dad Jean-Guy if he could borrow five bucks. But Jean-Guy just had a twenty, so gave that to Jean-Claude and told him to pick up another pack of Export `A' unfiltered for his dad too, and bring back the change.

    So then Jean-Claude gets to Paulette Desjardins's store, there, eh?, and Paulette was telling him that the Wintario prize was really big that week – cause, y'know that's when they had the Wintario lottery, not the Lottario like they have now, remember on the commercials ♪With Wintario, we all win!♫, – and anyway, so after he gets the two pack smokes there, side by each, he's looking at the change and he's thinking he told the old man he'd bring the change back, but then he just thought "Ah, Je m'en câlisse!" and bought a bunch of lottery tickets. So he gets home and Jean-Guy is pissed to hell because he told les chums that he'd bring a two-four of Brador to the bonspiel that weekend and now he didn't have enough piasses.

    But then they're watching the hockey game and the drawing comes on, and they say the numbers, and Jean-Claude is going totally crazy, saying "C'est mon câlisse de ticket là!". and it's like 400,000 bucks! So he gives a bunch to his folks, and his sister Chantal, and he buys a house on the lake and a half-ton truck and a Ski-Doo, and he's still got a stack to live on. He didn't have to go look for work for four years before it ran out, and then Chantal got him a job at the Canadian Tire.

    So now when students ask me what they should do in the future, I tell em to "borrow" some cash from dad and buy some lottery tickets. Cause I have seen that really work!

    • Man0nTheStreet

      but did Jean-Claude and Jean-guy use some o' that munny to lern 'Merican?

      No? Goddam furriners, steelin' lotterys from us 'Mericans!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      That's astonishingly similar to some of the Texas 10th-grade standardized test essays I've been reading, only more literate, and of course it's clear that you're taking the proverbial piss. Some of these Texan kids…

    • Tabernac! What a story.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Why can't you kids pull yourselves up by your bootstraps the way my grandpa built his multinational conglomeration that I inherited from my father did?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Kids today are just too lazy to make that kind of effort. I bet most have never even tried.

  • It isn't only the assumption that most kids have parents with $20,000 to loan it is that the parents have that much to throw away–to give to the kid and not worry about it since it will most likely fail.

    Mitt really does live in a different universe than almost everyone else.

  • AlterNewt

    It's really very simple. The rich and connected deserve to rule because they DO.

  • horsedreamer_1

    If my parents had 20 large to loan me, I'd start an arcade fire.

  • Sometimes I wish I lived on Mitt's planet.

    • wolvenwood13

      I've been to Utah, honey, and it isn't pretty (or fun).

    • Dashboard Buddha

      His homeworld is in orbit around Sirius.

  • chascates

    Unfortunately my parents were working class, paid their bills, never bought on credit, and just put what little money they had into savings which were quickly eaten up when they came down with prostate cancer (dad) and Alzheimer's (mom). So no way they could loan me $20,000.
    Mitt, you have $250 million I hear. More coming every year, from a job you haven't had in a long while. You could loan $20,000 to what, 12,500 people? You could probably get away with asking 20% interest or 50% of whatever business they start and come out ahead.
    Because what you say about free enterprise is that it's the greatest thing that's ever been invented. And Republicans claim that poor people are just lazy, on the government dole, or not Christian enough.
    So put up or shut up.

  • pinkomommy

    Ain't America great, kids? Where all it takes is an idea and family money to get ahead.

  • freddymcmurray

    Jimmy John: Let me eat cake. And more cake. And more cake. And elephants.

    The things you find when you google 'Jimmy John asshole'

    Also, too…

    • ProgressiveInga

      DAMMmmmit. I'm often too busy at work to go out for lunch and I order from Jimmy John's b/c they'll deliver a single sandwich and they are at your door as soon as you hang up the phone….after seeing these pics, they are at the top of my girl-cot list.

      • freddymcmurray

        i know, i do the same thing. but the guy's a tool, so i'm reconsidering.

    • The fucking hell, did he go Mastodon hunting? That first photo looks like one of them.

      Big tough guy, shooting elephants and tigers and bears with high-powered rifles and hoisting them up for photos with a shit-eating grin on his face. Remind me never to darken the doorway of one of his fine (?) establishments.

  • Here are some ideas for you kids!!!

    – Home car elevator service business
    – Austrian Warmblood pooper scooper business
    – Polo Field Divet Replacing Business
    – Tree Service Business that promises "to make all your trees the right height"

    Get off your asses and start something!!!!

    • not that Dewey

      Can I borrow $20,000?

      • Boy, when you say you're gonna *start something,* you MEAN you're gonna start something, don'tcha?

  • God almighty, you cheapskates!!! If your kid asks you for $20k and you don't have it in the bank – well for chrissake sell off one of your Cadillacs!

    • Eve8Apples

      Or a couple of lungs and a kidney.

  • proudgrampa

    It is just appalling how out of touch Romney is.

    • Romney's not out of touch at all – it's the American people – they're just a pathetic bunch of losers. Not Romney's fault that no one has any money lying around!

  • criminogenic

    My parents sold their Gulfstream to lend me some cash, it was hard times but one has to go through them to really appreciate one's new Gulfstream and as it turns out the new one is much nicer so it's funny that such hardship actually produced a better situation.

    • Your family only had ONE Gulfstream???? How cute.

  • swordfis

    Is it possible that one can be both stupid and a psychopath at the same time? I thought psychopaths were usually highly intelligent. Romney makes me wonder.

    • Psychopaths are *cunning.* They can read people because they don't have any empathy for them. Whether that equates to intelligence, I don't know. On the one hand, those psychopaths who have been convicted of crimes have not seemed that intelligent. OTOH, the fact that they were caught and convicted might have acted as a filter of sorts, since the more intelligent the psychopath, the less likely s/he is to get caught.

      Is RMoney a psychopath? Or just someone with ass-burgers?

      • not that Dewey

        Does Jimmy John's sell ass burgers now?

    • I don't think Romney is stupid. He is fatally tone-deaf, and perhaps not wise, but very smart.

      • There's something just a bit … strange about him, though. He's not stupid, but he doesn't seem to understand how Teh Hoominz work.

  • poorgradstudent

    "Poverty is not a serious issue. If the people want to rise out of poverty, why can't they become aristocrats?" -Louis Mittens XVI

  • owhatever

    Mitt should never speak aloud any sentence containing the word "Dollars."

    • not that Dewey

      Mitt should never speak aloud any sentence containing the word "Dollars."

      • I like this version.

        • not that Dewey

          btw, you're totally Winning the Future with that new persona.

          • Or Wuttehfuxin' wiv everybody's heads. It's not easy Being an Icon.

            Wut next, dood? Do I go back to the Mittbot and LEAVE ANN MUNNIEZ ALOOOOOOOONE? Or ride this one out till November?

          • not that Dewey

            I think you need to keep the pressure on Ann for a little while longer. Shit's just getting started.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I know this is late to the lists, but godDAMN, that picture creeps me the fuck out.

    • Yeah, the eyes don't smile despite the mouth looking like a clown.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Not seeking for pity here, but just stating the facts. Dad dead when I was 7, mom dead when I was 19. Whom should I borrow from, fuckface?

    • (Hugs DbB) Oh, DashboardBuddha, that truly suckeded. I'm so sorry. No pity, just friendly hugs and understanding.

    • wolvenwood13

      According to Mitt, you must have done SOMETHING to deserve it. C'mon, now, 'fess up, you know you did something, what was it?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I know that this isn't how you meant it, but your comment reminded me of why (one of the many reasons) I parted ways with the Catholic church. We were Catholics and when my dad died, our priest told my mom that he didn't know what it was she did, but it had to be "a whopper".

        • HuddledMass

          Way to "comfort the afflicted," Father O'Asshole. Honestly, what a tool.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Tru' dat.

  • telecustom1972

    Better yet kids. Talk your parents into letting you put the 20K down for 1 round of Black Jack. If you win give them back the original 20 and you keep the winnings. If not, they probably figured they were never going to see it again anyway.

  • NYNYNYjr

    I needed 100,000$ to start a business and I did what anyone would do, borrowed some from my parents, sold one of my houses, laid off two of my maids, cashed in some of my savings bonds, pawned grandpa's diamond wristwatch, rented out my yacht…basically cinched my belt. Anyone can do it. When the business failed, I borrowed another 100 large from my friend John Coatsworth Billington III and tried again. I started from nothing and made a successful business from scratch. Anyone can do it.

  • dopper0189

    Well yeah, if they didn't borrow the money, they would be forced to sell stock in their trust funds. Imagine if every kid who wanted to go to college had to dip into their trust funds??? DUH!

  • lulzmonger

    Today, we are all your Mom & Dad … & the answer is no.

  • thefrontpage

    Live report from this stupid, boring, inane and moronic White House Correspondents Association Dinner: Two male Congressmen seen making out in a downstairs bathroom; that Salahi guy made it into the dinner!; three people throwing up over at the CNN table–it might be the fish they all ordered; Kimmel seen doing tequila and Maker's Mark shots at pre-dinner Bloomberg party, and he was later barfing it up in a bathroom; Michael Bloomber telling everyone he can't stand Ted Nugent; someone putting cheese cubes in their purse at the Post party; three other pre-parties run out of whiskey—someone said that a bartender stole several bottles! This is all normal, though–this crap happens every year at this thing. And the food at the dinner is terrible.

  • freddymcmurray

    Is Jimmy John the new "Joe the Plumber"?

    • not that Dewey

      Spread the mayonnaise around!

  • Schmegeg

    Sorry Kids, We still have 30K in PLUS loans to pay off. Go get a job. And an apartment.

  • Sassomatic

    Next week he'll go to Africa and explain to starving people there that they should just call room service. Self-sufficiency!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Thanks for the advice, Mittens. Now Subway is suing me and my parents.

  • Figures Mittens would be pals with the auteur of some of the worst spots on TV. Let's make sure the mailing list for that "Women" special interest group takes the right lesson about the campaign's views on Gals from this one…

    …because Mr. Jimmy John is all about creepy peeping at nubile customers! Also, wild and unruly Mexicans can totally be tamed by the miracle of free enterprise:

    All we need to do is deputize Jimmy John's delivery men as INS Agents! And this is just fucking weird and annoying…

    …and will remind voters of those wonderful weightless days in 2007-8, when Mitten's policies had the run of the economy!

    I'll bet Quizno's, with its campaign that edgily mixes singing Mexican vermin with food, is on the Rmoney train too:

  • ObamaBFanned

    So what's an orphan to do, Mittens?

  • Eve8Apples

    If those kids' parents would hurry up and die, the kids could spend their inheritance. We need those death panels ASAP!

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