funny pictures

Let’s All Point and Laugh at Mitt Romney Boring Students to Sleep

Avoid heavy machinery for several hours afterward.

Here is a delightful screen grab of Mitt Romney somberly detailing his method for making sweet love to money as the college students seated behind him on stage slip into comas.

Let’s have a quick sample from the speech transcript:

What we found was they were spending a lot more than I thought on copy paper and toner and supplies and software and so forth.

Heavens. Mitt Romney should come with a warning label. [TPM]

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  1. philpjfry

    Don't laugh, this is how he plans to take over the world. Put every body to sleep and then the world is his. Man he is boring though

  2. Chow Yun Flat

    You would think the sponsors of the event would get Young Republicans eager to hear Mitt or at least tanked on caffeine and meth to stay alert during his speech as a backdrop.

    Oh, they did?

    Never mind.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      He should have donned a pair of dungarees like all the cool kids are wearing these days.

  3. SmutBoffin

    "…and then I thought, 'We could save money on breakroom condiments if the folks who went out for lunch brought back ketchup packets from Quiznos'. That's how I became Bain Capital's top analyst.

    True story. Vote for me this November!"

    1. ThundercatHo

      Ha! My dad used to watch golf and as much as he loved the game even he was asleep in minutes.

      1. SorosBot

        Only if it's first or second season; most of the rest is golden (well, except Sub Rosa but that was so bad it's fun to watch and mock).

        1. not that Dewey

          Netflix has the whole series, now; I'm up to Season 2, Episode 8. I have no trouble falling asleep. Other than that I've seen randomly ordered episodes, with no idea when they were produced. In general, they are great. I just like to needle nerds.

    2. Negropolis

      I've been terrified by what I've become because I've found myself watching golf on Sunday's from time-to-time, and actually enjoying it. lol But, enjoying it in the since of something to do on a lazy Sunday, instead of heart palpitation Superbowl/college bowl game excitement.

    3. valgal2342

      Golf is great background TV for sexy time. All you hear is whispering voices and the occasional polite applause.

    4. Warwhatgoodfor

      I used to be forced to watch this in black and white in the 1950's. My father could have cared less, but his best friend loved it. I truly believe this was perfect training leading to my first place standing in "falling to sleep in less than 30 seconds in medical school lectures when the lights went out". Who could have known how useful this training would turn out to be?

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    That girl on the lower right is trying to sleep, but she missed lunch and she's SO FUCKING HUNGRY. The glasses kid on the left is sound asleep, with his eyes open (something we bespectacled guys do fairly well, for some reason.)

    1. Sharkey

      I think the girl is wondering why his butt is shaped so funny. She can't stop staring at it, no matter how hard she tries.

      Either that or she hates him.

      1. tessiee

        It's his butt. It's not even an especially attractive butt; it's like it's hypnotic or something.

    2. Warwhatgoodfor

      That sleep thing, we learned that in med school 101. Seconds the lights went out brain went into sleep mode. Still happens. Dentists tell me I snore while having root canals. Seriously.

    3. Negropolis

      I have a cousin who falls asleep with his eyes open, and did it ever since he was a child. It scared us, at first, but then it got to be fun, well, for the rest of us, of course.

  5. OldWhiteLies

    Is it me, or does anyone else think that – just looking at those students – without already knowing the circa of that pic, the decade of origin would be hard to discern?

    I mean one can be fairly certain it isn't the 60s or 70s for various reasons. But tell me this pic couldn't be from various points in any of the last 2, maybe 3 decades.

    Oddly unsettling.

    1. Callyson

      Just got back from sitting out on the patio with a friend, actually…such a beautiful day today. Bet those kids sitting behind Mittens wish they could have been outside too, even if it were cold and snowing…

    1. Schmannnity

      I tried GWB once and I was wrecked. I couldn't talk right for days. I couldn't conjugate and started making up words like strategery, misunderestimate, and other gibberish.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I read about Army experiments with GWB. Large numbers of troops woke up in the wrong country wondering, "How the fuck did we get here?"

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          And many of them continue to have flashbacks of that to this very day, despite the liberal application of that promising new antidote BHO, that came out to much hoopla in early 2009. Results of its use have been mixed, and somewhat disappointing.

    2. Negropolis

      I took GWB, once. I woke up after eight years discovering that I'd started two, unfunded city council wars and driving my personal finances into the ground.

  6. Schmannnity

    "What we found was they were spending a lot more than I thought on copy paper and toner and supplies and software and so forth."

    Alright. A agree to vote for him for chief procurement officer for the Salt Lake City division.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I thought that Hedley Lamarr was chief procurement officer for the Salt Lake City division. Isn't Rock Ridge in Utah?

  7. rickmaci

    I would say he ranks right up there with drying paint for boring but that would be unfair to the paint.

      1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        No way! Growing grass has little bugs and earthworms and floral heads and all kinds of small life, plus pollen to make you sneeze and swell your eyes up like softballs. Mitt? I'm amazed they didn't have forklifts on standby to cart the attendees away.

        1. Warwhatgoodfor

          OMG. Who knew. All that time I wasted watching paint dry. I am so humiliated. There was even a drying paint ad on the tv a few years ago. Bunch of oldsters sitting around on classic lawn chairs looking up at a 1920's house commenting about the interesting patterns of te drying paint. As a not to proud very ex Iowa type I was probably the only person on the whole east coast who got the joke.

          1. Warwhatgoodfor

            Not looking too bad yourself. As an official old-enough-to-be-collecting-SS-but not -old-enough-to-want-it-yet, I will state that I still like looking at girls, but I can't remember why. Of all the things I've last over the years, I miss my mind the most.

          2. Warwhatgoodfor

            OK. Looking at your avatar, I want to ask you to be one of my pallbearers. Thirty years ago I would have had a different request, but at this point, I can't remember what it was. Something to do with having babies, but the rest is just gone.

          3. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            I guess this is where I do the obligatory "can't have babies, what with being a bi guy and all." The avs are just for fun because notTHAT Dewey suggested that everytime I adopt one of the Repuglycan't avs, said Repuglycan't sinks like a stone in the polls. And since Ann is campaigning for Mitt …

          4. not that Dewey

            I didn't so much "suggest it' as I did "state a true fact". Correlation, causation, etc etc

          5. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            True! And I just found yet ANOTHER Ann Rmoney story that will, hopefully, sink her faster than a stone — Ann MintMorMoney is *glad* that many women *don't* have a choice about being SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Moms, for those unfamiliar with the cutesy jargon of iVileage, or whatever that wretched site is). GLAD, I tells ya! Think she might have a bigger tin ear than Mint?

          6. Warwhatgoodfor

            Oh well,what the hell. Can't say that the marine on Saipan in '44 is me either. Just went with the song. He is my grandson however. So the pallbearer thing is still on?

          7. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            Oh, hell, yeah, I'm good wit dat. Long as I've got my cane and my glasses I should be able to hoist yon coffin wiv ease. So that handsome young lad is your grandson, eh?

            Dang, you must be as old as dirt!

          8. Warwhatgoodfor

            Well, as I once said to general Pershing, if he lives long enough, he might grow up to be a fine soldier someday. Grant was sitting in the sun in a wheel chair an just grunted. He always was a bit on the silent side.Sent from my iPhone

    1. Jimmyone

      I prefer the "watching the mountains erode", to drying paint. Painting requires some sort of action before hand. Whilst the mountains are done already. Sheesh, at least in Colorado I get to watch the grass grow AND mountains erode, can't get any better than that.

  8. Bluestatelibel

    Ultimately, Mittens saved that company $535 in paper and toner costs annually, and charged them $300,000 in "consulting fees." Win! Thanks Mr. Office Busy Body!

    1. LetUsBray

      And recommended that they lay off 10 employees to pay for his fee. He likes to to describe this episode as a "humorous story".

      1. tessiee

        "And then all the poor people got foreclosed on, and they all died of starvation and exposure. It was a real stitch."

  9. rambone

    Oooh! I sense caption contest material!

    I'm gonna go with "So I told Ann, 'Assfucking is too, OK in the Mormon bible!' And then she whipped out a strap-on dildo and I thought to myself, 'Oh boy, I wish I hadn't used up all the Astroglide on my hair!'"

    1. tessiee

      My suggestion for the caption:

      "No, really, don't you think I look like Bruce Campbell? Not even a little bit? Anyone?"

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I'll bet if he would just strap on the chainsaw arm and wave it around, those kids would perk up.

  10. Texan_Bulldog

    I think they're all thinking any combo of the following:

    a) I better get the money I was promised for sitting here.
    b) Shit, I knew I shouldn't have skipped calculus.
    c) This guy better not pretend to pull a quarter out of my ear again.

  11. Chet Kincaid

    The central theme Romney drove home was the fact that “sometimes appearances do not conform with the facts or reality,” and he applied it to such topics as the office supply industry, the intricacies of tax filing law and Dodd-Frank financial legislation.

    My God, Steve Jobs' classic commencement address of a few years ago must be deleted from youtube in the face of this brilliance!!

    “I have several examples of disparity between appearance and reality,” Romney said, launching into a lengthy monologue about his time as a private equity investor, when he discovered — to his critics’ chagrin! — that potential annual savings on office supplies were significant enough to justify an investment in bigger stores that could make their profits on higher sales volume rather than bigger mark-ups.

    Office supplies are people too! And framing this in terms of office supplies is a great way to avoid mentioning the people you have fucked out of jobs!

    Herb Kornfeld wept.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      When North Korea gets the bomb, the first question I ask is, "What would office supplies do?"

    2. horsedreamer_1

      He's spinning in his grave. But worry not: Yon Baby Prince H tha Stone' Col Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafukkin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld tha Second — AKA — Tanner will have his revenge.

    3. tessiee

      "The central theme Romney drove home was the fact that “sometimes appearances do not conform with the facts or reality,”"

      He WAS going to tell them to remember to always wear sunscreen, but Lee Perry beat him to it.*

      *apparently it was Lee Perry, not Kurt Vonnegut

    4. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Considering that Staples has just about the worst prices for printer ink and toner anywhere, this is an excellent and informative example of what Romney actually delivers. "Disparity between appearance and reality" indeed.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    Osama Bin Laden is dead, General Motors is alive, and Mitt Romney is boring us to death.

  13. JackDempsey1

    It does appear that Romney received a less than rousing welcome at Otterbein U.
    Which is odd, because you'd expect that he'd be wildly popular at a place named after germanic river rodents.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      I'd never heard of the place before and had to check twice to see this wasn't sourced to The Onion. Thought maybe it was an inside joke, like the name of a fictional college in a latter National Lampoon movie.

      1. MilwaukeeKent

        I used a snip of one to replace the hinge pin on my Zippo the other day. Many end up cleaning fingernails or flying off of rubberbands. Some are scattered by middle management, like bread crumbs in the woods, to help them retrace their steps in large cubicle farms. By far, the largest percentage of paper clips end up chained together, draped across work spaces, where they lend that certain quality I like to refer to as "piss elegance".

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Remember the good old days, when your computer had a floppy drive, which wouldn't eject it's disc sometimes (about half the time, IIRC), and you had to unbend a paperclip and poke it into the tiny hole next to the disc slot to pop out the disc?

          Then you could use the bent paperclip to affix an onion to your belt.

          Good, solid, old-school technology.

          1. MilwaukeeKent

            Good times, That's why I live in the Onion Belt! In fact to this day some of us still use thin slices of onion to clean out floppy drives and the like. It's just that…you know…kids these days…

          2. bagofmice

            Apple probably created half of the demand. When you buy an iPhone, you get a charger, earbuds, and a paper clip.

      2. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

        They're great as roach-clips (if you're into that sort of thing), pipe cleaners, general schmutz-removers, cat toenail-cleaners, and the like. You'd be amazed.

        Hell, *I'm* amazed.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          I'm amazed at the concept of cleaning a cat's toenails, with anything. Do they like it?

          1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            No, of course not, the little shits are most ungracious about anything one has to do to them. But if they're narcolepts (like our very own Maduberdooberdoobie), they pass out instantly once you upend them, and then you can carefully run an unbent paper clip along their toenails and relieve them of some of that tremendous burden of schmutz they like to drag with them everywhere. His Highness Teh Senior Cat just insisted on Breakfast in Bed (he's old, and he's been sick, what can ya do?) and left me several enormous pine sprays as a tip. WUT???

    1. not that Dewey

      20% of Pareto Principle analyses account for 80% of all the bullshit that we have to read in the papers.

    1. soeoho

      If it acts like a drone and looks like a drone it must be making a bloody good droning sound. The kind that makes me fall asle

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      It's a bomb of some kind. No, not a smart bomb. I think we can rule out incendiary, as well.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Especially with all the dejected, unneeded, Lunesta butterflies sitting around with their sad little wings drooping and their pretty green glow fading.

      (h/t to elviouslyqueer for the Lunesta reference.)

    1. AlterNewt

      "…They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."

    1. Veritas78

      The price of office supplies 30 years ago. Back when there were offices that people worked in.

  14. SexySmurf

    What we found was they were spending a lot more than I thought on copy paper and toner and supplies and software and so forth.

    Do Mormons not believe in commas?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      His wife is named "And," not "comma." He always works her name into his spellbinding oratorical ejaculations.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      "And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and …"

      That passage is from the book of Mormon, isn't it?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      If those students had brought paper clips to the talk, they could have straightened them out and used them to jab themselves awake.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Side effects of exposure to Mitt Romney may include, drowsiness, thoughts of suicide and explosive diarrhea.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Vivid, unusual, or strange dreams.

      We watch the evening national news, so we get more than our fill of medical ads on the tv.

      Actually, my favorite side effect (in an academic sense, of course) is "death."

    2. Negropolis

      I think your're mixing up one of those side effects. Explosive diarrhea is a side effect of Santorum.

  16. Tundra Grifter

    There sure are a lotta white folks right there. More vanilla than you could find at a Ben & Jerry's factory.

  17. rocktonsam

    sleep my ass, I'll double the interest on their student loans, that should wake up these slackers and get off the pot too also!

    Oh and a mission to Iran in 2013, oh now you're awake you little jerk offs

  18. finallyhappy

    I have fairly serious insomnia- every night. I think I may have found a solution- and it's not habit forming like ambien.

  19. Gleem McShineys

    Prescriptions often warn you not to operate heavy machinery, but how does it work if you ARE heavy machinery??

  20. Radiotherapy

    Y también, the people backdrop, isn't that Obama's idea? I mean another thing he doesn't get credit for.

  21. Beowoof

    Looks like any class at 8:00AM on Friday morning after Thursday night partying, And of course Mitt with all the speaking ability of a your grandfather telling you stories for the 100th time is clearly charming them.

  22. Limeylizzie

    Fucking hell, this has been a really boring night , first I went to the Turkish Film Festival at Lincoln Center, by myself,so no-one to talk to, the film broke down 5 times, the subtitles were all over the place, Turks are really beautiful, but I gave up and left after 45 minutes of them dicking around and I come home to this fucking boring, lip-smacking, tight-assed, lying sack of shit.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Lizzie, your lamentations make me wish I was there to massage your feet with aromatic oils, while I read for you selections from The Rubiyat of Omar Al Khyyam, in my rich, sonorous voice.*

      (*my wife says I sound just like Rick Moranis.)

  23. Butch_Wagstaff

    Zzzzzzzz….*snort*…I'll be right, baby, I just have to take a piss…I'll be right back…y'know I love you, right?

  24. chascates

    Listen, and understand. That politician is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are bored shitless.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Well, gee, he should be stopping about any second now, then, cause there ain't so much as a micromote of shit left unbored in me, dood. Geezus fucking J. H. Christ and his Black brother Harry, this guy is a stiff. And I mean that in the worst way.

  25. Barrelhse

    When a dick-filled asshole can appear to be the Republican nominee, I fail to see the disparity.

  26. Chichikovovich

    That video was kind of like The Graduate. Or rather, what The Graduate would be like if it didn't have Katharine Ross, or Ann Bancroft's stockinged leg, or the climactic scene at the wedding, or the crucifix used to bolt the door, or any of that. Just this clip looping over and over again for two hours:

    Mr. Romney: [behind Benjamin] Ben.
    Benjamin: [to Joanne] Excuse me.
    Benjamin: Mr. Romney.
    Mr. Romney: Ben.
    Benjamin: Mr. Romney.
    Mr Romney (voice heavy with portent): Come with me for a minute – I want to talk to you…Excuse us, Joanne.
    (They move to a Quiet Room)
    Mr. Romney: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.
    Benjamin: Yes, sir.
    Mr. Romney: Are you listening?
    Benjamin: Yes, I am.
    Mr. Romney: Staples.

      1. not that Dewey

        Where the hell did you find that?

        You got sleeping pills in my sedatives

        You got sedatives in my sleeping pills

        Two great tastes that zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        1. Doktor StrangeZoom

          It was originally on Real Time with Bill Maher; I found the link on the "Dispatches from the Culture Wars" blog.

          1. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Not at all! Just wait for the web to filter the good stuff to other sites, and avoid the dross.

            And the gross.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yes, Mitt said that his pal borrowed $20,000 from the folks, according to online company hagiography it was $25,000 in 1983. Checked my handy internet inflation calculator, and that $25,000 in 1983 is about $60,000 in today's dollars. More than the median American household earns in a year and a half.

      So clearly the first thing most young folks need to do to follow Mitt's helpful advice is to get some new parents.

  27. Blueb4sunrise

    It's gonna be a long summer of making fun of this asshole, but NEVER think that it's in the bag. Take a break at times to get refreshed; there's plenty of us to pick up the slack; but return to ridicule again and again!!!!!.

  28. Negropolis

    "And so forth", indeed, Willard Mittens Romney, Esquire the Third.

    Truly, it is hard out there for a pimp.

  29. fuflans

    i once had to pay a hundred dollars for kicking the copier in a fit of pique.

    this is a true fact.

  30. Dudleydidwrong

    (Sleeping student in gray sweater suddenly wakes up in the middle of Mitt's address):

    "Shit! Where the hell am I? Who the hell is that?"

    Semi-comatose next-door neighbor: "Mitt Romney, the next president of the US."

    Gray sweater immediately leaves this exciting activity, goes to registrar's office, and transfers to McGill University.

  31. tessiee

    Rick Santorum put them all to sleep in church.
    Mitt puts them all to sleep in school.
    I'm sure there's some greater significance to this, but I-zzzzzzzzzz…

  32. tessiee

    I suspect this has something to do with Romney not being allowed to drink coffee: "If I can't stay awake, then by God and by damn, NOBODY can stay awake!!"

  33. Negropolis

    Imagine Ben Stein. Now, imagine Ben Stein extolling the virtues of using Clear Eyes in a massive lecture hall. Now, imagine that you're the only one in said lecture hall. Now, imagine they locked the doors and Ben Stein was immortal and untired.

    This is hell.

  34. johnnyzhivago

    Spending too much on office supplies Mitt??? Stop shopping at fucking Staples!!!

    Isn't his one actual claim to business fame that he started an overpriced office supply chain??????????

  35. smitallica

    Otterbein University. The Proud Choice For Methodists Too Poor or Smart to Get Into SMU.

  36. spareme

    Say what you want about Joe Biden – at least you don't fall asleep when he's speaking. Plus, you never know who he's gonna stick it to.

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