pretty cool access there bro

Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations

I shit diamondsOkay, just because we don’t think there’s anything wrong with Barack Obama using Osama’s killing to his political advantage doesn’t mean that it can’t get really fucking annoying after a while — welcome to uncreative Democratic campaigns! — or that pillars of the media establishment wouldn’t be whores by playing along with it completely. And look at what’s just arrived in ye olde Wonkette inbox, from the NBC PR folks:

NBC News has been granted unprecedented access to the most secret and secure part of the White House, the Situation Room. In a “Rock Center with Brian Williams” exclusive airing on Wednesday, May 2 at 9p/8c, President Obama and his national security and military teams, relive the pivotal moments of the raid targeting Osama bin Laden.

The iconic photograph taken inside the Situation Room offered the world the first glimpse of a national security team at work during the Special Operations mission. Now, we will hear from many of the people in that photograph about what was taking place on that historic night.

A+ investigatey journalishmism. Ugh. If only Osama was still alive, then we wouldn’t have to hear about him so much.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. PuckStopsHere

    I'm sure George W. Bush will find it interesting to learn what transpires in the Situation Room, but he will have a sad when he learns there is no ruggie in it.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      In another shocking development, America will soon learn that the Situation Room is not a character from Jersey Shore.

  2. elviouslyqueer

    Cue Mittens whining about librul media bias, being in bed with Obama, ad nauseum in 3…2…1…

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Ya mean "embedded", right? I mean it's not like the media has embedded before with anything connected to the President of the U.S.
      (I'm working on my right wing gibberish/word salad.)

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Are they doing interviews from the real picture or the Republican one that took out the black dude and the women?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      The GOP felt really bad about editing that photo and have restored it and made it better. The woman is making sandwiches for everyone and the black guy is shining everyone's shoes.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Those are the same right wing gasbags so upset a two-bit NBC affiliate station down in Florida edited George Zimmerman's 911 call?

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Or that Zimmerman was projecting onto young Mr. Martin and slurring his words while doing so.

    3. PuckStopsHere

      Say, FakaktaSouth–daughter chose Okla. It was the ponies. The ones that pull the covered wagon onto the field after a Sooner TD? They are named, of course, "Boomer" and "Sooner" and as part of her deal, she gets to pet them anytime she wants. Based on that, AL never had a chance, although as I said, I liked it down there A LOT. And…Alex Avila says hi!

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Hoot Hoot Alex, Roll TIde! Love it. I am sad we lost a smart girl, but I don't think there is a single thing Bama could do against such an insider-deal! Nice! Godspeed to your daughter, you and your checkbook – I know she'll come out a fabulous, elitist snob of whom we can all be proud! Boomer Sooner!

        1. PuckStopsHere

          Thanks, kiddo. We've got her till May 22 and then she's outta here. (She's touring with a marching band over the summer before we drop her off in Norman in mid-august.) She will be 18 years and 18 days old the day she leaves. I can believe the 18 days part, but not the 18 years. Damn, that went by fast.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          I don't know. I wonder if Brian Williams and his fellow-travellers in the liebrul media will continue to conceal the true autopsy report on Bretibart, the one that showed that his stomach contents consisted of bile, pork rinds, a partially digested human ear and what the medical examiner described as a "noisome toxic slurry consisting of Four Loko, crystal meth, oxycontin and the semen from at least two dozen men?"

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      With the number of guest appearances on last night's live show, I'm surprised he didn't have yet another cameo.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Yes, and if you pay the president a bunch of money to spend the night there for God's sake whatever you do don't bring along one of those CSI lights that causes bodily secretions to glow. Really, you don't want to go there.

  4. Generation[redacted]

    I would think the first rule of a good PR department is don't send your press releases to Wonkette.

  5. bflrtsplk

    Of course, for the sake of balance, we will hear from the W: `If I were the REAL first black (Republican) president, I`d a gone over there and shot him myself. Laaaauuuuuurrrrrraaaa! Did you throw out my coke spoon. There must be a rolled up $1000 bill around here somewhere.`

  6. Beowoof

    Well Osama is dead but a party day for that anniversary every years is unseemly at best, we don't celebrate the day Hitler or Napoleon died (In France there is a giant tomb in his honor). I think Americans need to find a way to give their lives meaning beyond their daily video games, their authentic gold plated reproduction of real coin collections and other such trivia that makes up their lives.

      1. HistoriCat

        Blog whore!

        If I was a) a bike rider and b) anywhere near there I would totally do that.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Blog whoring? No, my friend, I'm offering free beers, so this most certainly counts as a public service announcement.

          And not that shitty PBR the hipster fixie riders so ironically love. We grizzled old randonneurs go for the best NW microbrews you can get. Life's too short.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I'm for whatever makes Obama look badass in comparison to Mittens, including this. Handwringing over shit we can actually legitimately celebrate is why libtards lose so much.

    2. Negropolis

      Snark libel!

      Seriously, though, I'll get mad when they start making commerative plates they sell late-night. Until then, I couldn't care less if the media brings back a single anniversary of the raid.

  7. Wile E. Quixote

    Nice try NBC, but this still doesn't make up for your canceling the episode of To Catch a Predator where hijinks ensued after Rick Santorum and Herman Cain showed up at the same house at the same time.

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    ALRIGHT! Finally gettin' some of that LIBRUL MEDIA BIAS the wingnuts are whining about 24/7!

    And it involves the very librul-bias subject of straight-out killin' those terrorists just plain cold dead.

    We libruls OWN this issue. Pansy chickenshit conservatives are too chickenshit to go out and kill the bad guys. Vote Librul, America. WE are the badasses!

  9. SayItWithWookies

    To balance it out, they're also going to interview John McCain and Sarah Palin about what they would've done had they been in office.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Ain't never gonna happen. Nobody has the guts to tell Duh Gov'Nuh she didn't win.

      From the way she acts, isn't it obvious she thinks she's the FLOTUS?

    2. Negropolis

      Sarah the Dumber and Ole San Juan McCain would have moved the government to a suburban Phoenix foreclosure and started a war with Iran, by now, at least.

  10. Wile E. Quixote

    I was kind of bummed out about how lame the situation room looked. If I were president I'd have a situation room that looked just like the war room in Doctor Strangelove. Except with plasma screens, and hot young interns wearing spandex and leather outfits.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        So will you be offering manscaping as well? Not for me of course, for a friend of mine, a friend of mine's cousin. Yeah, that's it. My friend's cousin.

  11. EtchySketchy

    Yo Rock Center dudes, if you really want to analyze some fucked up, violent shit–here's the iconic photograph taken inside my Dining Room during last year's 'historic' Thanksgiving dinner.

  12. cheetojeebus

    Instead of reliving the situation room, how about a reenactment of the fuckin' raid? Lots of cheesy action stars like Tom Cruise and the Rock. They could embellish it with Seal Team 6 having a toddler along who one of the guys was stuck babysitting. I wouldn't watch but knowing it's there on some other channel would feel good.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        With an amusing canine flatulence problem that causes consternation in the enemy ranks.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      And there has to be one guy who is about to retire or get married or something who of course is going to end up getting killed because that's what always happens to the guy who is about to retire or get married.

      1. tessiee

        "I'm going to retire and sail around the world on my boat. Here's a picture of me christening my boat — the 'Live Forever'."

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Lindsay Graham just called and asked if they were going to have a scene at the end with a bunch of sublimated homo-eroticism where Tom Cruise tells the Rock "You can be my wingman anytime" and the Rock says "No, you can be my wingman" or if they're going to skip all of that and just go straight into hot, man on man fucking? He votes for the latter.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      I think the Military Channel already did a super crappy pseudo – reenactment. There's a book in the works coming out soon with "unprecedented access" (the GOP bitched about it as a potential source of intel leaks when it was mentioned in a blind item in the NY Times or some such), and I have no doubt Bruckheimer is blowing up a Phillipine town right now to simulate the raid.

    4. tessiee

      Could we have one guy who does everything by the book partnered up with a guy who plays by his own rules?
      Or, could the guy who plays by his own rules have a fat, shouty black guy for a boss, who's always yelling at him for playing by his own rules instead of going by the book?
      And also, one female officer who nobody thinks belongs there until she does something incredibly heroic, and then all the guys respect her?

  13. sbj1964

    HiHo the witch is dead! Usama Bin laden was a murdering scumbag.The world is a better place thanks too Barry Obama,and seal team 6.Your welcome world.

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I bet there will be gift totes for everyone attending with a genuine chunk of Bin Laden in every bag.

  15. ttommyunger

    Sorry, wouldn't watch Brian Williams referee a topless jump-rope competition between Carmen Electra and J-Lo. Too, smug, too smooth, too paid-for.

    1. tessiee

      "wouldn't watch Brian Williams referee a topless jump-rope competition between Carmen Electra and J-Lo"

      Because Scarlett Johansson didn't make the finals?

        1. tessiee

          Whether or not Ms. Johansson is ugly is perhaps an opinion question, but I for one don't think she's a woman. I suspect she's a rather lifelike pool toy.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Will they show us where Clinton used to bang interns next? That is what the people want!

  17. poorgradstudent

    Wake me up when it's revealed that Obama had the corpse preserved, and will sodomize it on live TV using Boehner's tears as a lube, on the 4th of July.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      [/ring ring]

      "Hello, Mr. Gradstudent? Yes, this Dave, from the Obama 2012 campaign. Listen, I think we may have a job for you in marketing strategies department…"

  18. Chet Kincaid

    Would you rather the President got in a flight suit and parachuted into the OBL compound right next to a Mission Accomplished banner? Because that would be fuckin' awesome!!

    1. Negropolis

      I want to see my president in a wetsuit diving down to the bottom of the Indian Ocean to recover the corpse and shoot it all over, again, and then feed it to some sharks for good measure.

  19. JackObin

    Ah, television. Five hundred channels of pure horseshit. And only 100 dollars a month! And the digitization of acne scars and Kardashian flab!

  20. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Osama is dead? Good, let's move on. Why can't we hear more in-depth stories about Dick shootin' that lawyer in the fucking face?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      The Cheney family wishes that everyone would just drop the matter. After all when you need a new heart and you're out hunting with someone who just happens to have the same blood type and is a good tissue match you'd be a damn fool to let a little thing like friendship stand in the way.

  21. sezme

    This is good news because the American people may finally learn whether Mr. Spock was really present that night or just photoshopped in.

  22. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    You know what other crazed, charismatic leader met his fate near late April or early May?

    or did we do this joke last year?

    1. Bluestatelibel

      That would be Gen. Robert E Lee, leader of the Confederate Army, who surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant on April 9th, 1865. Not crazy, but charismatic.

      What's with April?!?

    2. Lascauxcaveman


      (Just because I haven't dragged her into one of these things in awhile.)

    3. horsedreamer_1

      Jefferson Davis?

      (Whose "Presidential library" is getting refurbished, post-Katrina, on the federal gov't dime.)

  23. OneYieldRegular

    I can't believe the media is going along with this brazenly political attempt to remind everyone of the Obama administration's success, just like they did a few years ago when they endlessly showed us Saddam Hussein's capture, flashlight mouth inspection, and hanging corpse, or when they showed us Khalid Sheikh Muhammed's hairy chest over and over again.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I can't believe that John Fucking McCain, Mr. "I have a secret plan for getting Osama but I'll only tell you if I'm elected" actually has the balls to rip Obama for "politicizing" taking out OBL. Right, douchebag – you can only politicize it if you completely fuck up the intel (9/11), declare victory prematurely (Mission Accomplished) or start a war for no good reason (Iraq). Not when you actually find and take out enemy number 1 and secure massive amounts of intel in the bargain.

      Gah – Grumpy makes me so mad. Hulk Smash!

    2. tessiee

      "when they showed us Khalid Sheikh Muhammed's hairy chest over and over again."

      Is that the guy in the stretched-out T-shirt who looks like the building super?

      1. Negropolis

        I forgot who did it, but some late-night host photoshopped Rosie O'Donnell's head onto that picture, and I laughed for days.

  24. DerrickWildcat

    I believe that the day that Osama was killed is one of those special kind of days that the people will remember what they were doing or where they were forever. Kind of like the day when Kennedy got stabbed and the day that thing got blowed up.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, yeah. I'll always remember that, when the guy did that thing with those people. What was it, again?

    2. OneYieldRegular

      It's worth remembering if only for that video of the redneck guy driving around his backyard on a flag-decorated lawn mower, whooping and shooting in celebration. They should have that guy drive around the arena at the Democratic National Convention.

  25. BerkeleyBear

    Key & Peele nailed this with the second President Obama and his anger translator segment. If Bush had done this, he would have worn OBL's head as a necklace for the remainder of his term.

    1. Negropolis

      Nah, he'd have mounted it in the Oval Office, Texas-style, or stuffed it and put it on his desk as a pencil holder.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        With a couple of jaunty "jacklope" horns planted securely up top.

        May as well have fun with that thing.

  26. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I don't know if I'd watch this, but I'd definitely watch a special that follows the White House staff around on Big Block of Cheese Day.

  27. not that Dewey

    Does the White House have an "Inactivity Room" or a "Room Where Nothing in Particular is Happening"? I'd like to see that.

    1. Sassomatic

      People of the future will think that The Situation Room had been named after that douche canoe on Jersey Shore.

      (Note: I do not watch, have never watched, Jersey Shore. But, because of the Internet, I have been unable to avoid a certain awareness if its existence, and the names of a couple of the "people" on it.)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I know, I know.

        I really don't have any idea what exactly the hell a 'Kardashian' is (or why), but from supermarket tabloids right there on the checkout stand, I can see they sure got nice tits. Prominently displayed on all occasions.

        And I'm happy to leave it at that, pretty sure if I ever learned anything else about them, it would spoil it for me.

    1. fuflans

      i hate to be all 99% here, but jesus. brian william's daughter is gorgeous, grew up in new canaan, went to yale and got a job immediately out of yale with judd apatow?

      but yeah, she's hot.

  28. fitley

    I heard that the Secret Service agents use the situation room on Fridays to drink beer and look at pictures of Sarah Palin bending over or eating a banana.

  29. tessiee

    OK, Brian Williams? He's a decently attractive man, if you like wonderbread, but HIS NOSE IS ON SIDEWAYS!
    I can't be the only person who's noticed this, can I?

  30. Sassomatic

    When do we get to see the "Tribute to the Victims of 9/11" video featuring los of footage of Navy Seals cold assassinating people?

  31. Negropolis

    I want the president to drive this 'til the wheels fall off. I mean, t-shirts, bobble-heads, the whole nine.

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