PRETTY COOL ACCESS THERE BRO  5:10 pm April 27, 2012

Brian Williams Wins Shark-Jumping Award For Osama Death Anniversary Celebrations

by Jim Newell

I shit diamondsOkay, just because we don’t think there’s anything wrong with Barack Obama using Osama’s killing to his political advantage doesn’t mean that it can’t get really fucking annoying after a while — welcome to uncreative Democratic campaigns! — or that pillars of the media establishment wouldn’t be whores by playing along with it completely. And look at what’s just arrived in ye olde Wonkette inbox, from the NBC PR folks:

NBC News has been granted unprecedented access to the most secret and secure part of the White House, the Situation Room. In a “Rock Center with Brian Williams” exclusive airing on Wednesday, May 2 at 9p/8c, President Obama and his national security and military teams, relive the pivotal moments of the raid targeting Osama bin Laden.

The iconic photograph taken inside the Situation Room offered the world the first glimpse of a national security team at work during the Special Operations mission. Now, we will hear from many of the people in that photograph about what was taking place on that historic night.

A+ investigatey journalishmism. Ugh. If only Osama was still alive, then we wouldn’t have to hear about him so much.

 
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{ 137 comments }

PuckStopsHere April 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I'm sure George W. Bush will find it interesting to learn what transpires in the Situation Room, but he will have a sad when he learns there is no ruggie in it.

Generation[redacted] April 27, 2012 at 5:24 pm

In another shocking development, America will soon learn that the Situation Room is not a character from Jersey Shore.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Actually, it will make Georgie sad to discover that, too.

Sharkey April 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

You stay away from me, Mr. Williams. I am too tall to jump.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 28, 2012 at 12:49 am

I hear sharks can jump like a mother! Oh, you meant him.

elviouslyqueer April 27, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Cue Mittens whining about librul media bias, being in bed with Obama, ad nauseum in 3…2…1…

Butch_Wagstaff April 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Ya mean "embedded", right? I mean it's not like the media has embedded before with anything connected to the President of the U.S.
(I'm working on my right wing gibberish/word salad.)

FakaktaSouth April 27, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Are they doing interviews from the real picture or the Republican one that took out the black dude and the women?

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The GOP felt really bad about editing that photo and have restored it and made it better. The woman is making sandwiches for everyone and the black guy is shining everyone's shoes.

Tundra Grifter April 27, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Those are the same right wing gasbags so upset a two-bit NBC affiliate station down in Florida edited George Zimmerman's 911 call?

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:31 am

Which, honestly, didn't change the gist of what Zimmerman was either saying or implying.

Tundra Grifter April 28, 2012 at 10:07 am

Or that Zimmerman was projecting onto young Mr. Martin and slurring his words while doing so.

PuckStopsHere April 27, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Say, FakaktaSouth–daughter chose Okla. It was the ponies. The ones that pull the covered wagon onto the field after a Sooner TD? They are named, of course, "Boomer" and "Sooner" and as part of her deal, she gets to pet them anytime she wants. Based on that, AL never had a chance, although as I said, I liked it down there A LOT. And…Alex Avila says hi!

FakaktaSouth April 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Hoot Hoot Alex, Roll TIde! Love it. I am sad we lost a smart girl, but I don't think there is a single thing Bama could do against such an insider-deal! Nice! Godspeed to your daughter, you and your checkbook – I know she'll come out a fabulous, elitist snob of whom we can all be proud! Boomer Sooner!

PuckStopsHere April 27, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Thanks, kiddo. We've got her till May 22 and then she's outta here. (She's touring with a marching band over the summer before we drop her off in Norman in mid-august.) She will be 18 years and 18 days old the day she leaves. I can believe the 18 days part, but not the 18 years. Damn, that went by fast.

Callyson April 27, 2012 at 5:16 pm

What? I'll take this over yet another tedious GOP Presidential Debate…

edgydrifter April 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm

BREAKING NEWS ALERT: OSAMA STILL DEAD. DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:21 pm
SorosBot April 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

And what about Andrew Breitbart?

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I don't know. I wonder if Brian Williams and his fellow-travellers in the liebrul media will continue to conceal the true autopsy report on Bretibart, the one that showed that his stomach contents consisted of bile, pork rinds, a partially digested human ear and what the medical examiner described as a "noisome toxic slurry consisting of Four Loko, crystal meth, oxycontin and the semen from at least two dozen men?"

Butch_Wagstaff April 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm

At least he knew how to party till the end.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Dude, you're spoiling a VERY SPECIAL episode of Girls.

bagofmice April 28, 2012 at 12:56 am

Or as they call it at the frat house, Friday.

FakaktaSouth April 27, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I would totally watch a show all about how dead he is still. Over and over again.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Chubbing up……

Biff April 28, 2012 at 1:00 pm

That still makes me giggle, like a little girl…

Blueb4sunrise April 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

They'll see THE BIG BOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Sharkey April 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

…relive the pivotal moments…

Please don't – no one likes it when Hillary farts.

FlownOver April 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

It was that or another fucking cameo on 30 Rock.

Butch_Wagstaff April 27, 2012 at 7:47 pm

With the number of guest appearances on last night's live show, I'm surprised he didn't have yet another cameo.

bagofmice April 28, 2012 at 12:58 am

It's not so much of a cameo when your commute consists of a single elevator ride.

Pragmatist2 April 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

The Situtation has his own room at the White House, like Lincoln?

SexySmurf April 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

That's what they call the White House smush room.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Clinton's abs have never & will never look that good.

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:33 am

Oh, so the Lincoln Bedroom, I presume.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Yes, and if you pay the president a bunch of money to spend the night there for God's sake whatever you do don't bring along one of those CSI lights that causes bodily secretions to glow. Really, you don't want to go there.

Radiotherapy April 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Just like Wolf.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Yeah, it's the room where all the slipcovers have that orange tanning stuff on them.

Generation[redacted] April 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I would think the first rule of a good PR department is don't send your press releases to Wonkette.

not that Dewey April 27, 2012 at 7:11 pm

But look what we've managed to do with it. Synergy!

bflrtsplk April 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Of course, for the sake of balance, we will hear from the W: `If I were the REAL first black (Republican) president, I`d a gone over there and shot him myself. Laaaauuuuuurrrrrraaaa! Did you throw out my coke spoon. There must be a rolled up $1000 bill around here somewhere.`

Beowoof April 27, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Well Osama is dead but a party day for that anniversary every years is unseemly at best, we don't celebrate the day Hitler or Napoleon died (In France there is a giant tomb in his honor). I think Americans need to find a way to give their lives meaning beyond their daily video games, their authentic gold plated reproduction of real coin collections and other such trivia that makes up their lives.

Blueb4sunrise April 27, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Fapping?

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Need some meaning in your life? Come and go on a bike ride with me.

I'm buying the beers, afterwards!

HistoriCat April 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Blog whore!

If I was a) a bike rider and b) anywhere near there I would totally do that.

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Blog whoring? No, my friend, I'm offering free beers, so this most certainly counts as a public service announcement.

And not that shitty PBR the hipster fixie riders so ironically love. We grizzled old randonneurs go for the best NW microbrews you can get. Life's too short.

bagofmice April 28, 2012 at 12:59 am

I'll stick to Alki.

fuflans April 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

well we do have olive garden.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I'm for whatever makes Obama look badass in comparison to Mittens, including this. Handwringing over shit we can actually legitimately celebrate is why libtards lose so much.

imissopus April 27, 2012 at 7:15 pm

CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS LIBEL!

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:35 am

Snark libel!

Seriously, though, I'll get mad when they start making commerative plates they sell late-night. Until then, I couldn't care less if the media brings back a single anniversary of the raid.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Nice try NBC, but this still doesn't make up for your canceling the episode of To Catch a Predator where hijinks ensued after Rick Santorum and Herman Cain showed up at the same house at the same time.

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

ALRIGHT! Finally gettin' some of that LIBRUL MEDIA BIAS the wingnuts are whining about 24/7!

And it involves the very librul-bias subject of straight-out killin' those terrorists just plain cold dead.

We libruls OWN this issue. Pansy chickenshit conservatives are too chickenshit to go out and kill the bad guys. Vote Librul, America. WE are the badasses!

SayItWithWookies April 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

To balance it out, they're also going to interview John McCain and Sarah Palin about what they would've done had they been in office.

Tundra Grifter April 27, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Ain't never gonna happen. Nobody has the guts to tell Duh Gov'Nuh she didn't win.

From the way she acts, isn't it obvious she thinks she's the FLOTUS?

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:36 am

Sarah the Dumber and Ole San Juan McCain would have moved the government to a suburban Phoenix foreclosure and started a war with Iran, by now, at least.

Stevola April 28, 2012 at 1:51 am

Sarah woulda quit by now, you betcha.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I was kind of bummed out about how lame the situation room looked. If I were president I'd have a situation room that looked just like the war room in Doctor Strangelove. Except with plasma screens, and hot young interns wearing spandex and leather outfits.

Schmannnity April 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

You can't fight in here–it's the War Room!

Tundra Grifter April 27, 2012 at 5:51 pm

If you're telling me a lie, you'll have to answer to…THE COCA COLA COMPANY!

cheetojeebus April 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Exactly.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 27, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Heck, even The West Wing had a cooler Situation Room than the real thing.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Who showed you the concept renderings for my Dr. StrangeCuts® Sports Barber Shop chain?!

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm

So will you be offering manscaping as well? Not for me of course, for a friend of mine, a friend of mine's cousin. Yeah, that's it. My friend's cousin.

Poindexter718 April 27, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I demand equal time for Bush (or Romney) in the Truly Not Concerned Room!

Tundra Grifter April 27, 2012 at 5:51 pm

(r)Money thinks those conversations should take place in his Quiet Room.

EtchySketchy April 27, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Yo Rock Center dudes, if you really want to analyze some fucked up, violent shit–here's the iconic photograph taken inside my Dining Room during last year's 'historic' Thanksgiving dinner.

cheetojeebus April 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Instead of reliving the situation room, how about a reenactment of the fuckin' raid? Lots of cheesy action stars like Tom Cruise and the Rock. They could embellish it with Seal Team 6 having a toddler along who one of the guys was stuck babysitting. I wouldn't watch but knowing it's there on some other channel would feel good.

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

A Hero Dog would be good, too.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm

With an amusing canine flatulence problem that causes consternation in the enemy ranks.

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 6:28 pm

And there has to be one guy who is about to retire or get married or something who of course is going to end up getting killed because that's what always happens to the guy who is about to retire or get married.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 11:42 pm

"I'm going to retire and sail around the world on my boat. Here's a picture of me christening my boat — the 'Live Forever'."

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Lindsay Graham just called and asked if they were going to have a scene at the end with a bunch of sublimated homo-eroticism where Tom Cruise tells the Rock "You can be my wingman anytime" and the Rock says "No, you can be my wingman" or if they're going to skip all of that and just go straight into hot, man on man fucking? He votes for the latter.

BerkeleyBear April 27, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I think the Military Channel already did a super crappy pseudo – reenactment. There's a book in the works coming out soon with "unprecedented access" (the GOP bitched about it as a potential source of intel leaks when it was mentioned in a blind item in the NY Times or some such), and I have no doubt Bruckheimer is blowing up a Phillipine town right now to simulate the raid.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Joseph Estrada's triumphant return to film.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Could we have one guy who does everything by the book partnered up with a guy who plays by his own rules?
Or, could the guy who plays by his own rules have a fat, shouty black guy for a boss, who's always yelling at him for playing by his own rules instead of going by the book?
And also, one female officer who nobody thinks belongs there until she does something incredibly heroic, and then all the guys respect her?

EtchySketchy April 27, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Praying for Sarah Palin photobomb.

sbj1964 April 27, 2012 at 5:54 pm

HiHo the witch is dead! Usama Bin laden was a murdering scumbag.The world is a better place thanks too Barry Obama,and seal team 6.Your welcome world.

Not_So_Much April 27, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Americaaaaa, fuck yeah!1!!

Monsieur_Grumpe April 27, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I bet there will be gift totes for everyone attending with a genuine chunk of Bin Laden in every bag.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Sorry, wouldn't watch Brian Williams referee a topless jump-rope competition between Carmen Electra and J-Lo. Too, smug, too smooth, too paid-for.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 27, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Brian Williams was hosting that?!

Papa_Uniform April 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm

ttommy, Ya forgot too many stretch marks around his mouth. But… he got the scoop!!

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 11:16 pm

And around the old A-Nuss.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm

"wouldn't watch Brian Williams referee a topless jump-rope competition between Carmen Electra and J-Lo"

Because Scarlett Johansson didn't make the finals?

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Sorry, that is ONE ugly woman. Prolly a nice person and all….

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Whether or not Ms. Johansson is ugly is perhaps an opinion question, but I for one don't think she's a woman. I suspect she's a rather lifelike pool toy.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I totally know what you are saying.

Stevola April 28, 2012 at 1:57 am

I'd watch THAT even if Hannity was the ref.

ttommyunger April 28, 2012 at 8:16 am

I know, I would too (whimper).

gurukalehuru April 28, 2012 at 3:34 am

Oh, I'd watch that. And if Scarlett Johannsen was there, even better. Even BriWi couldn't ruin that.

ttommyunger April 28, 2012 at 8:17 am

I know, I would too (whimpers uncontrollably).

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 27, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Will they show us where Clinton used to bang interns next? That is what the people want!

poorgradstudent April 27, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Wake me up when it's revealed that Obama had the corpse preserved, and will sodomize it on live TV using Boehner's tears as a lube, on the 4th of July.

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2012 at 6:53 pm

[/ring ring]

"Hello, Mr. Gradstudent? Yes, this Dave, from the Obama 2012 campaign. Listen, I think we may have a job for you in marketing strategies department…"

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Killjoy!

Biff April 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Screw you guys, I'm going home here.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Would you rather the President got in a flight suit and parachuted into the OBL compound right next to a Mission Accomplished banner? Because that would be fuckin' awesome!!

Bluestatelibel April 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Actually, that sounds really cool and he could pull it off.

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:41 am

I want to see my president in a wetsuit diving down to the bottom of the Indian Ocean to recover the corpse and shoot it all over, again, and then feed it to some sharks for good measure.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Well then fuck me, because I'm watchin' it.

JackObin April 27, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Ah, television. Five hundred channels of pure horseshit. And only 100 dollars a month! And the digitization of acne scars and Kardashian flab!

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 27, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Osama is dead? Good, let's move on. Why can't we hear more in-depth stories about Dick shootin' that lawyer in the fucking face?

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm

The Cheney family wishes that everyone would just drop the matter. After all when you need a new heart and you're out hunting with someone who just happens to have the same blood type and is a good tissue match you'd be a damn fool to let a little thing like friendship stand in the way.

sezme April 27, 2012 at 6:27 pm

This is good news because the American people may finally learn whether Mr. Spock was really present that night or just photoshopped in.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 27, 2012 at 6:30 pm

You know what other crazed, charismatic leader met his fate near late April or early May?

or did we do this joke last year?

Wile E. Quixote April 27, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Newt Gingrich? Oh wait, you said crazed and charismatic. Never mind.

Chow Yun Flat April 27, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Jesus?

Bluestatelibel April 27, 2012 at 6:53 pm

That would be Gen. Robert E Lee, leader of the Confederate Army, who surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant on April 9th, 1865. Not crazy, but charismatic.

What's with April?!?

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Cleopatra?

(Just because I haven't dragged her into one of these things in awhile.)

not that Dewey April 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

David Koresh?

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Jefferson Davis?

(Whose "Presidential library" is getting refurbished, post-Katrina, on the federal gov't dime.)

gurukalehuru April 28, 2012 at 3:38 am

Abraham Lincoln, of course. Sic Semper Tyrannus When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloomed.

OneYieldRegular April 27, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I can't believe the media is going along with this brazenly political attempt to remind everyone of the Obama administration's success, just like they did a few years ago when they endlessly showed us Saddam Hussein's capture, flashlight mouth inspection, and hanging corpse, or when they showed us Khalid Sheikh Muhammed's hairy chest over and over again.

BerkeleyBear April 27, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I can't believe that John Fucking McCain, Mr. "I have a secret plan for getting Osama but I'll only tell you if I'm elected" actually has the balls to rip Obama for "politicizing" taking out OBL. Right, douchebag – you can only politicize it if you completely fuck up the intel (9/11), declare victory prematurely (Mission Accomplished) or start a war for no good reason (Iraq). Not when you actually find and take out enemy number 1 and secure massive amounts of intel in the bargain.

Gah – Grumpy makes me so mad. Hulk Smash!

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"when they showed us Khalid Sheikh Muhammed's hairy chest over and over again."

Is that the guy in the stretched-out T-shirt who looks like the building super?

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Possibly. Also could ave been me, forty pounds ago.

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:43 am

I forgot who did it, but some late-night host photoshopped Rosie O'Donnell's head onto that picture, and I laughed for days.

DerrickWildcat April 27, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I believe that the day that Osama was killed is one of those special kind of days that the people will remember what they were doing or where they were forever. Kind of like the day when Kennedy got stabbed and the day that thing got blowed up.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 27, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Oh, yeah. I'll always remember that, when the guy did that thing with those people. What was it, again?

OneYieldRegular April 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

It's worth remembering if only for that video of the redneck guy driving around his backyard on a flag-decorated lawn mower, whooping and shooting in celebration. They should have that guy drive around the arena at the Democratic National Convention.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm

He thought Barack Obama had been shot. His bad.

BerkeleyBear April 27, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Key & Peele nailed this with the second President Obama and his anger translator segment. If Bush had done this, he would have worn OBL's head as a necklace for the remainder of his term.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

If not the remainder of his life.

Negropolis April 28, 2012 at 12:44 am

Nah, he'd have mounted it in the Oval Office, Texas-style, or stuffed it and put it on his desk as a pencil holder.

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2012 at 2:06 am

With a couple of jaunty "jacklope" horns planted securely up top.

May as well have fun with that thing.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 27, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I don't know if I'd watch this, but I'd definitely watch a special that follows the White House staff around on Big Block of Cheese Day.

not that Dewey April 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Does the White House have an "Inactivity Room" or a "Room Where Nothing in Particular is Happening"? I'd like to see that.

Sassomatic April 27, 2012 at 11:02 pm

People of the future will think that The Situation Room had been named after that douche canoe on Jersey Shore.

(Note: I do not watch, have never watched, Jersey Shore. But, because of the Internet, I have been unable to avoid a certain awareness if its existence, and the names of a couple of the "people" on it.)

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2012 at 2:11 am

I know, I know.

I really don't have any idea what exactly the hell a 'Kardashian' is (or why), but from supermarket tabloids right there on the checkout stand, I can see they sure got nice tits. Prominently displayed on all occasions.

And I'm happy to leave it at that, pretty sure if I ever learned anything else about them, it would spoil it for me.

imissopus April 27, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I will watch this if Brian Williams' incredibly hot daughter steps in to host it in his place.

Gainsbourg69 April 27, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Throw in Bob Mendez's daughter as co-anchor and I'm in.

fuflans April 29, 2012 at 8:51 pm

i hate to be all 99% here, but jesus. brian william's daughter is gorgeous, grew up in new canaan, went to yale and got a job immediately out of yale with judd apatow?

but yeah, she's hot.

fitley April 27, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I heard that the Secret Service agents use the situation room on Fridays to drink beer and look at pictures of Sarah Palin bending over or eating a banana.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 9:03 pm

OK, Brian Williams? He's a decently attractive man, if you like wonderbread, but HIS NOSE IS ON SIDEWAYS!
I can't be the only person who's noticed this, can I?

Sassomatic April 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

When do we get to see the "Tribute to the Victims of 9/11" video featuring los of footage of Navy Seals cold assassinating people?

Negropolis April 27, 2012 at 11:58 pm

I want the president to drive this 'til the wheels fall off. I mean, t-shirts, bobble-heads, the whole nine.

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