we don't need another hero

DC To Take Rare Evening To Honor Unsung Heroes

I just killed Bin Laden!Have you heard?! Some pretty important folks in Washington, DC, will take a rare evening off from schmoozing each other and holding up the bar with the Ol’ Wet One, John Boehner, and instead will spend their time looking over each other’s shoulders to try and spot “Hollywood” people like Lindsay Lohan and the scary mob mom battleax from Real Housewives of New Jersey! This is an event those “in the know!” call the White House Club of America Gala and everyone loves it forever!

It doesn’t often make any news as such per se and so forth, except for a little bit last year we guess maybe when it turned out President Smoove could take a chunk out of Donald Trump and Osama Bin Laden at the exact same time! Donald Trump was SO MAD you guys! And Osama Bin Laden was SO DEAD!

Wonkette editor Jim Newell has been to some of these, he claims, and fucker sold out to won the morning for Politico by telling them this:

“It depends on the year, but if you can just get down the guarded escalator to the hall of conference rooms, it’s fairly easy to hop between the various magazine preparties adjacent to one another, and they’re all pretty much the same. So to get down said escalator, then, you need a printout of a party invite. Don’t have one? Just write, ‘I AM BOB WOODWARD’ on a piece of paper and tell the bouncer that you have a smeary printer. Scream, ‘Bob Woodward doesn’t need this!’ if you face any trouble.”

You could still go read the rest of their site if you wanted. They have LOTS of stories on Jimmy Kimmell, and Lindsay Lohan, and Megs McCabe, just all kinds of important 411!

Here, to tide you over until the next tape comes out (you are not going are you? If so, why didn’t you ‘vite us?), is some hilarity from last year, mostly of Bama being a celebrity (and killing Bin Laden). You could also go back and watch the guy from SNL zing Bammerz with such charm for being a huge sellout, and also for not getting Bin Laden (whoops), or Donald Trump.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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95 comments

        1. GhostBuggy

          I would take it down to preserve the comedy, but I'm leaving it up as an example to younger Wonketeers. Here, kids, lies your chilling future: trying, and failing, to post a 33-year-old joke before someone else does on a message board mostly concerned with fapping and drinking.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      He would just run off to become some cadillac-driving, food stamp spending, baby-dropping Welfare Queen.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      If you self immolate people will notice your importance.
      Oh wait, its not that kind of fire.

    3. vodkamuppet

      Easy, football fan. You're getting that fat Salon money now, you dont want to upset that apple cart.

  1. skoalrebel

    Heroes, song, and celebration. [spit!]

    It's national poetry month, and I offer my latest:

    The Red Lawn Chair

    So much depends
    upon

    a red lawn
    chair

    glazed with dip
    slobber

    beside the white
    oven

    1. Boojum

      Some say that e.e. skoalrebel's usage of language is frequently unintelligible because he disregards the historical accumulation of meaning in words in favour of merely private and personal associations. Others say that is because of the amount of dip trapped between his cheek and gum.

  2. actor212

    Editrix? You didn't get an invite?

    Hell, they were handing them out like candy in the men's locker room at the Redskins rookie draft!

  3. SnarkoMarx

    What if I write "I AM HELEN THOMAS" on a piece of paper and wear my old Grandpa Munster Halloween costume from 1969?

    1. ChernobylSoup

      If that doesn't work, dress as Mrs. Drysdale from the Beverly Hillbillies and say you're Cokie Roberts.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      One could cram a stick up their arse and also write "I AM DAVID BROOKS" on a piece of paper. I really think this could work (although uncomfortable).

      1. actor212

        They'd just escort you to the gathering of "Conservative Bloggers Too Chicken To Come Out and Admit It" at the Applebee's salad bar.

        1. actor212

          Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, did I say "last thread"? I meant the one before that. Or maybe the one before the one before.

          Just look for Clinton. You'll find more dick jokes, too.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    "MY NAME IS SETH MYERS AND I'M HERE TO YELL JOKES AT YOU"

    (i.e. every Weekend Update he's done, ever)

  5. Chow Yun Flat

    So that's why I did wrong last year. I wrote "I AM JIM NEWELL" on a piece of paper. The bouncer said that a smeary printer was the least of my problems.

  6. larryfinexx

    Kim Kardashian won't be there becasue she has a body hair removal appointment that day.

  7. chascates

    White House Correspondents' Dinner, via Playbook:

    Salad: Black Lentil Terrine with lump Crabmeat, Tango Green and Red Artisan Greens, Red and Yellow Tear Drop Tomatoes — drizzled with a Dill Vinaigrette

    Bread Presentation: Seven-Grain Rolls, White and Wheat Rolls; Sourdough Rolls, Flatbreads and butter

    Entrée: Texas Rubbed Petite Filet with a Calvados Demi, paired with Duo of Jumbo Shrimp seasoned with Red Curry; Roasted Haricot Verts, Baby Pepper, Patty Pan Squash; Tasso Mache Choux Risotto

    Dessert: The Galaxy — Rich Chocolate Truffle Mousse layered with Chocolate Genoise and Almond Macaroon, Ganache Truffle Center finished in a chocolate glaze, garnished with fresh raspberries

    Freshly brewed regular and decaff coffee; variety of regular and herbal teas

    Wines: Estancia Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Kind of chincy. Petite filet? Estancia? Still, probably better than the ink-stained wretches usually eat.

    2. spareme

      Who eats this shit? Where's the good Frank Stitt baked grits and pork loin? Can't a President get a good meal? Oop – no: Michelle.

  8. FakaktaSouth

    I love the beautiful people, I love PresO, but I bet this is some of the most awful awfulness imaginable. I can feel the self importance from here – I'm so damned famous I'm politically relevant! I'm a politician and I'm famous on MSNBC/Fox/the last reverse mortgage commercial you just saw! Lordy I don't have the strength for all of that.

    1. finallyhappy

      every year, I see who is going to be there(Uggie the Dog , for instance, this year) and think- I should get up and get down to the hotel it is being held at and stand behind the police line and scream and beg for autographs and photos from Bob Woodward

  9. fuflans

    ha! i just watched this last night. the part where the donald gets even pinker is the best.

    also, bamz has a mean streak that we should see more often.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I see 50/50. Megs has the boobosity, but Greta had the stupid. That is to say, that while Meg has the boobs, Greta IS a boob. Tough fight

  10. SorosBot

    Wait, someone's bringing Lindsey Lohan to an event with free alcohol? That can't end well.

  11. Radiotherapy

    I wonder if Johnny "the 'Stache" Bolton will be there with a stack of dick jokes. High Larious!

    1. IncenseDebate

      Yes, why are we talking about this when there is an important national conversation about the president's stick?

  12. BarackMyWorld

    Someone make sure no one from the Secret Service tries to pay for sex with Kim Kardashian.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    I like Barry as much as the next guy (although probably not as much as the next woman, particularly if she is Limey Lizzie) but sometimes his "self-deprecating" humor is so, well, self-deprecating.

    it wsa great when he went after Donald Chump. That's a fair target. But some of his humor does have a certain mean streak to it.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      You might be right, I haven't noticed it. But, I don't mind mean humor when all the Republicans can do is batshit crazy mean statements intended to cut.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        JW: I apologize for a semi-coherent Comment. No good excuse (I didn't drink my lunch. Yet.).

        There's nothing wrong with having a tough President. Hey – it's a tough job. Just sometimes Mr. Obama uses his position to get in a little extra jab when it isn't necessary.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          Oh, I understand totally. And I don't follow all that he says in jest. You are correct, he wouldn't need to take the extra jab (and stand above the fray of goofball commentary that is flung). I am having my liquid dinner…now. <g>

          1. Tundra Grifter

            JW:

            I have a mouth, and I can be bitter. Nasty. I worked very hard when our kids were growing up to never be sarcastic ("The most expensive form of humor," as my great Aunt Jeanne used to say) because while a child's words can wound a parent (more bitter than a serpant's tooth), a parent can really scar a kid for life.

            So I know what I'm talking about. Mr. Obama has a bitter streak. He's supposed to be something of a trash talker on the court. There is a definate mean tone sometimes that is unbecoming and unnecessary.

            I've heard a lot of tapes of JFK. Very funny, but he never really picked on anyone.

    2. Negropolis

      I honestly don't think he's unnecessarily mean, particularly considering what he's up against, historically. Some of us which he'd been even more snarky and cutting given the environment. JFK didn't have to be mean; his mainstream opponents weren't sending around pamphlets with him eating watermelons and having bones through his nose.

      It's really be rather unfortunate to not compare his humor up against the current social environment. Even the really disgusting stuff against the Clintons (i.e. Vince Foster) was fringy. You've literally got sitting members of Congress irrationally questioning the birthplace of this president and shouting and mouthing words at him during his own State of the Union addresses. You can't judge his humor apart from this.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        There is no question 44 has gone through much of what 42 had to deal with.

        However, in the very specific topic of Mr. Obama's occasional mean streak in his humor, I was thinking more of the jokes he makes about his friends – not his opponents.

        Mr. Obama can be self-deprecating. And that's a very good thing in any public figure – particularly a politician. But he can also laugh at people instead of with them. And some of the folks he laughs at are on his side.

        I do agree that the highly questionnable stuff has gone more mainstream – starting with Ole Newt and his battle with the Clintons and his idea that those who didn't agree with him were not good Americans.

        Abraham Lincoln had to put up with a whole lot of mess – including cartoons showing him as a gorilla, etc. That's an unfortunate theme in our history. Presidents have to endure insults of all types.

        Bottom Line: The way things look today, Mr. Obama will have the last laugh in November. 270, Baby! 270!

  14. ttommyunger

    Lost my faith in C-SPAN when they put the tasteless send-up of Clinton by a no-talent radio shock-jock on a constant loop for a fucking week, but you had to go to google to find Colbert's brilliant pranging of Dubya. Fuck all those self-important talking heads, hacks and stenographers.

  15. Negropolis

    They really need to bring Colbert back. Like, really. Sorry, but Jimmy isn't smart enough to do this and for it to be good. For it to be good, the jesters have to really know their shit when they are biting at power and the mindless "nobles" in the room.

  16. Tundra Grifter

    Last Friday night I was in line at the grocery store. The clerk asked the gentleman ahead of me if he had any weekend plans.

    His thoughtful response was "To stay out of jail."

    Can Jim say the same thing? No posts about the White House Correspondents' Dinner…

Comments are closed.