oh man

No, John Bolton, They Were Just Laughing At A Dick Joke

Yesterday Joe Biden was yakkin’ about foreign policy at NYU and said, “I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.” All of the students laughed at this, because, ha ha, penis. Yes, that’s what they were laughing at, John Bolton. They were not cracking up at the perceived irony of this statement and Barack Obama’s actual record of asserting power versus that of Teddy Roosevelt. Dick jokes, John Bolton. They’re everywhere.

Watch Greta, trying to hint that these were college students laughing about cock, and failing:

BOLTON: But I thought the best part of it was at one point, trying to appropriate yet another Republican president, Biden said, ‘you have to speak softly and carry a big stick.’ And then he said, ‘I promise you, President Obama has a big stick.’ And the audience broke out laughing, which is some measure of their belief about how assertive Obama is on behalf of our interests internationally.

VAN SUSTEREN: Yes, it’s — apparently, that’s also going to — that’s made a couple — a lot of — a lot of jokes, too, on the Internet. It is — apparently, that is something that’s not going to go away, at least for a while, for Vice President Biden, that remark.

BOLTON: Yet another one.

Get your mind in the gutter, man.

[Think Progress]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Tundra Grifter

    Let's just clear this up right now.

    Right wing nutz have no sense of humor. Nada. Zip. Bagel. Schneider. Goose egg. Love. Zilch. Doughnut. Zero.

    They have shitty taste in music, and their taste is only in their mouths when it comes to movies, books, and other forms of pop or high culture.

    1. el_donaldo

      And the only culture they produce are lame, parasitic versions of mainstream culture to which they've added the label "conservative."

      The sole exception being the Nashville country music scene, which is itself a lame, parasitic version of mid-century American popular music.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        el donaldo:

        Nashville music really isn't country, and hasn't been for quite some time.

        Nashville is Nashville. It's ok, although I find it rather bland and it's very difficult to tell one song or singer or group from another. Too much pop influence.

        Here on the Left Coast in Northern California, we don't have a country music station. On Sundays the public radio station in Berkely plays a lot of bluegrass and olde tyme (real) country.

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Yeah but we have the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in SF every year. Emmylou Harris FTW.

      2. Fare la Volpe

        Nashville's music scene is pretty dang liberal compared to the area surrounding it. Perhaps in comparison to L.A. or Detroit it's conservative, but people don't call us the People's Republic of Nashville for nothing.

        1. PhilippePetain

          Lot's of old hippie types, right? Like country hippies or progressives or whatever? I heard about this and had trouble believing it.

          1. pinkomommy

            Jack White and the Black Keys live in Nashville, by choice, so I can only guess that the music scene isn't all that bland. I live here too but I've been out to pasture so far as that goes for a while now. There's lots of good music, then there's Music Row, consistently turning out poo.

        2. el_donaldo

          I love Nashville, actually, and the people in it, for the most part.

          I was really thinking of its mass-marketed product, which is the only reliably "conservative" cultural product other than square-dancing that I can think of. But in truth, many of my awesomely favorite music artists spent a lot of time there developing their chops.

    2. MrsBiggTime

      But wait, the have rocker Ted Nugent, which… which… which proves your point quite clearly.

    3. Fare la Volpe

      What about that drummer who played with that band for some years or something?


    4. Generation[redacted]

      Coming soon: Atlas Shrugged Part II, starring Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson. Soundtrack by Ted Nugent.

      And who can forget the Half Hour News Hour?

    5. Warwhatgoodfor

      Tell us what you really think. Myself, I think they peaked somewhere around the time Cain went into another land or something, and knew his wife. Mark Twain once said he actualy liked the old testament. He said it had some beautiful poetry, a great deal of pornography, and upwards of a thousand lies. I assume he never made it past Genesis.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Ironic that John "Pubeface" Bolton doesn't know a dick joke when it's looking him in the eye.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "What they are commenting on is the failed "Cash for Clunkers" program that the Obama Administration pushed in the early months of 2009. If Americans could afford good cars under this President, there would be no need to ask for facial hair-based transportation."

  3. Wile E. Quixote

    That must have been fun to watch. Plastic surgery disaster Greta van Susteren talking out of the side of her face that can still move to John "Gay Porno Stache" Bolton.

  4. ChernobylSoup

    Between his mustache and her slack jaw sideways mouth, I bet when Greta and Bolton make out there's all kinds of a mess.

    1. sullivanst

      Also really funny ones about murdering thousands of people in the UN building.

      If it doesn't involve large-scale carnage, it's not funny, or something.

  5. HobbesEvilTwin

    Last summer, Bolton opined that the U.S. “should be squeezing and disciplining Moscow, not caressing it.”

    I got nothing, man.

  6. Wile E. Quixote

    BOLTON: But I thought the best part of it was at one point, trying to appropriate yet another Republican president, Biden said, ‘you have to speak softly and carry a big stick.’ And then he said, ‘I promise you, President Obama has a big stick.’ And the audience broke out laughing, which is some measure of their belief about how assertive Obama is on behalf of our interests internationally.

    Hey Johnny Gay Porno Stache, President Obama's administration did a better job tracking down and killing Osama bin Laden than the punk-ass Bush administration ever did.

          1. Oblios_Cap

            I think Van Buren was the best president we've had when it came to actually handling a big "stick".

            Or so I've read.

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Oh, don't pretend like youre too mature for a good dick joke you horrible, creepy man.

  8. CivicHoliday

    Oh Greta Greta Greta…Don't you know John is not bright enough to understand what you are hinting at? Just spell it out for him: "the president's cock is bigger than yours, when flaccid"

  9. CapnFatback

    Bolton continued: "Biden created further sniggering at the mere assumption that a chicken would manage to be free enough to walk across the highway in Obama's Socialist America."

    1. actor212

      "But why? Why would a young Poultry-American ever feel the need to cross four lanes of asphalt in an America where opportunity lives everywhere? This is the legacy Obama leaves us: Poultry-Americans forced to cross roads!"

      1. bikerlaureate

        With their jobs being forbidden at the family farm, it's no wonder. Itinerant fowl are yet another legacy of this failed Administration.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          I'm amazed they just have the two wee ones. Everything about that couple tells me they're still fuckin' the bajeezus out of each other.

  10. JustPixelz

    "…trying to appropriate yet another Republican president…"

    There isn't a single Republican president from history that the current GOP would support. And I include Reagan and Lincoln in this assessment. Those presidents are just sitting out there, ripe for the appropriating.

    1. JustPixelz

      I was wrong. There is one past president the Republicans would nominate and support: George W. Bush. He is everything they love without the liberal flaws of, say, Reagan* or Theodore Roosevelt**. Clearly Romney is using Dubya as a template for his campaign: cut taxes, deregulate, abandon seniors, go to war in the middle east.
      * raised taxes
      ** had a big stick

  11. Boojum

    Penis jokes are for liberals, because we don't hide our penises in the bottoms of little boys. This is just math.

  12. vodkamuppet

    "loose lips sink big sticks" C'mon John, walk with me and figure out why college kids would think that's funny. Im trying to help.

  13. Chichikovovich

    It was a joke with multiple layers of meaning – first there was the dick thing, and then there was the fact that Bolton's boss Bush came out and announced that he was going to get OBL "dead or alive" and that the Decider sure wasn't just going to send a cruise missle to kill a couple of camels in a tent nosir, and he strutted across aircraft carriers like a codpiece-wearing banty rooster, and he fucked up the call at Tora Bora, and then he strutted and preened some more and blustered out some more tough-guy braggadocio, and then started panning away from the whole "kill OBL" thing, and then said that OBL wasn't that important, really, just some old geezer with kidney disease in a cave somewhere in turban-land, and then in the debate with Kerry he said "no way, I never said what I'm on tape saying. I said mumble mumble mumble – that's what I said!" and then another four years go by and it's all "9-11! / Osama who?" until he fades off into the sunset of his disgrace.

    And then Obama just went and made the call without any fuss. Even OBL jokes at the dinner during the time the whole operation was going down didn't break the Commander in Chief's cucumbrian coolness.

    And I've got to admit, Bolton is right: that is pretty funny.

  14. Pithaughn

    Finally someone is willing to speak up about all the foreign attacks us real americans have had to fight off here because Obama just cold refuses to fight "them" over "there".
    Why? Cuz he is one of them!!

    The preceding comment is pretty much verbatim from one of my county commissioners at BK . Overheard by Sir Pith.

  15. Man0nTheStreet

    Bolton keeps a rotting sardine under that mustache to lure the files away from the bullshit spewing forth from his mouth…

  16. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Hand it to the Democrats… there's more sex in and around the White House when they're there. Republicans just get all embarrassed about it, which is why we jump on 'em. If they'd just admit they like sex, things would be so much easier, and they'd get more passes from us.

      1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        …because it's sex with other like-minded Republicans.

        See also Matalin, Mary

        1. Man0nTheStreet

          Isn't she having sex w/ her hubby, DLC "fixer" James Carville?

          I know – I don't wanna think about it either!

    1. FNMA

      But I don't think they like sex. They view it as icky and shameful and something that is best not talked about, particularly when it involves airport men's room stalls or rentboys or wetsuits and dildos.

  17. MissTaken

    Oh, Bolton. Obama's stick is so big it has its own stick. And Obama's stick's stick is still bigger than your stick.

  18. WiscDad

    Gotta give Greta props for trying to clue the dude in…but she should have opened her mouth and just let the dick fall out

  19. sullivanst

    Yeah, those damned progressives trying to "appropriate" the FOUNDER OF THE FUCKING PROGRESSIVE PARTY.

    Also too, fuck off and die John Bolton. Your existence makes this planet worse.

  20. Serolf_Divad

    That's OK, we all know, John Bolton speaks loudly to over-compensate for his little, white stick.

  21. SnarkoMarx

    From what I understand the president went skinny dipping in Loch Ness as a young man and people are still talking about it to this day.

  22. valthemus

    Bolton completely missed the dick joke? Does he have one or did it detach itself and run screaming into the night when it realized who it's master was?

  23. MrsBiggTime

    Old bolton must be of the few mustachioed republicans out there who doesn't think about dick.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      No – he uses that mustache to hide the stretch-marks and cushion his face against the splintery edge of the glory-hole!

  24. littlebigdaddy

    "Dick jokes, John Bolton. They’re everywhere." Including and especially IN YOUR HAND!

  25. OneYieldRegular

    Someone this oblivious to nuance shouldn't be out on the streets, let alone in a position of responsibility in government. I'm beginning to understand why this team didn't pick up on the hidden shades of meaning in statements like "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S."

  26. rickmaci

    I can always count on Greta's Comedy Hour for a good laugh. I love the way they can do this shit with a straight face. Like they don't even know it's funny. Bolton is the best straight (?) man since Dan Rowen. ROFL.

  27. fuflans

    i'm so glad this guy was our UN representative.

    yet another horror of the bush years. there are so many that minor ones (relatively) tend to get forgotten.

  28. ttommyunger

    Looked to me like Nurse Ratchett was having a hard time staying in her chair during that exchange…..Wet much, Greta?

  29. Barrelhse

    Bolton is just jealous because instead of HAVING a big dick he happens to BE a big dick.

  30. vtxmcrider

    Talk of Obama's big stick had Greta all flustered. How to reconcile her excitement with his being a black Democrat?

  31. freddymcmurray

    see how they smile like pigs in a sty; see how they snied; i'm crying
    i am the walrus… goo goo g'joob

  32. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I notice Fucks Gnus giving him the "Ambassador" title.
    Aside from the fact that he put the "ass" in "ambassador", is there any reason to keep giving this douchebag an official title?

  33. garryboldwater

    You would think a guy with a mustache like Bolton's would understand dick jokes… guess not.

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