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Karl Rove Would Like To Troll You With His Electoral Map

Looks gayThe esteemed KARL ROVE & CO. firm is out with its first electoral map of the season, and whoo boy does it show some kinda landslide for Barack Obama, giving him approximately 700 electoral votes. Really, Karl? South Carolina as a toss-up? South Carolina only does two things, and it does them well: voting against Kenyans and seceding from Unions, and they won’t secede from this Union until they get another chance to vote against this Kenyan.

What might Karl Rove want? Let’s go with “money.” Karl Rove likes raising money, and a first map showing South Carolina as a toss-up and so forth might scare conservative donors into helping him meet that $200 to $300 million he wants to throw around while running the Romney campaign from the outside. Karl Rove is good at this stuff, that asshole. Your Wonkette is suddenly sitting next to a $10,000 check we made out to Karl Rove with derpa derp socialist derrrr! written in the memo. We have absolutely no memory of writing this, but boom, there it is, and the last thing we remember was loading his web page. Oh god, now the check is in the mail. How is this happening? Of course the check will bounce, because, ha — “Wonkette” — “10,000 dollars” — c’mon.

[Karl Rove]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Texan_Bulldog

    It's a little disheartening to see that a hundred gillion dollars are going to be spent to win over a few thousand people in 6 states.

    Sometimes I hate that I live in a state where my presidential vote doesn't matter, but then I think of all of those negative political ads I get to miss and then I am pretty cool with it.

    1. Baconzgood

      They target very specific toss up regions in PA. So here in Pittsburgh, an area that can go either way, we get robo calls, radio adds, and TV spots constantly leading up to the election. So if you think about it they are really only shooting for about 3 or 4 million people in the entire country. Most in Centrial Flordia and Ohio, N. Virginia, Western PA and strategic parts of Mich. HOOOOOOORAY ELECTORAL COLLEGE SYSTEM!!

    2. elgin_pelican

      Sometimes I hate that I live in a COUNTRY where my presidential vote doesn't matter. FTFY

  2. IncenseDebate

    I wish Karl would fall on the cheveux de frise that surrounds his compound he shares with zombie black heart Dick Cheney who will never die.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Yes, my Marx Civil War Playset had little plastic ones. I've been a Civil War bluff since the centennial that started about '59.

          Only I don't think the tips were dipped in manure. Or Breitbart.

          But I repeat myself.

  3. noodlesalad

    Nice, try, Karl, but all of the olds know this needs MOAR CAPS and HAMMERS AND SICKLES to really represent that you take TEH THREAT of NObamA SRDLSY. Verdict: Not paranoid enuff.

    1. chicken_thief

      Damn straight. Rove should have included Russia, Iran, and North Korea under the wing of New England. And maybe with a pic of the Kremlin where DC should be. To illustrate how cozy Obummerz is with the terrorists and shit.

  4. CivilMcMannerly

    "What might Karl Rove want? Let’s go with “money.”"

    I'd go with "a fist up his anus."

    1. Ruhe

      So the release of this polling map is like some sort of 'Bat-signal' for Jeff Gannon…"sweety, please come home"?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "You can see from this map that red states make up a majority of the country."

      (what? We don't vote by land mass?)

  5. el_donaldo

    I'm tired of blue. Can't we be lavender, mauve, or maybe even just periwinkle for one election cycle.

  6. MasterDebater

    Ummmm, SC a tossup but not AZ? Not enough blah to go around in SC, sorry.

    But every day, AZ loses one R voter to the Grim Reaper while another D voter is born (OK messican anchor baby, but still, that D will get to vote, 2 or 3 times actually, thanks to ACORN).

    1. horsedreamer_1

      South Carolina has a rather large number of African-Americans, who, outside of Tim Scott, know the GOP platform is using "immigration reform" as a stealth repeal of amendments 13-15. Still, though, SC is not as black as Mississippi, & MS is solidly red.

      … So, maybe it's something? Gaydar interference by amassing vacationing 'mos in Myrtle Beach?

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Paying the science writers extra to fit evolution into a 6000 year time frame cuts into your purchasing power.

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I said it 2008 and I will say it again this year. I am proud to be part of that west coast wall of blue. Pacific Standard time zone in the house!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, if only we didn't all fuck up and split our state governments purple, mainly because agricultural wastelands somehow have as much representation as major urban centers.

    2. Biff

      Well, it'll be Standard Time when the election happens, anyway. Unless you're in AZ, where it will still be 1860.

  8. actor212

    Of course the check will bounce, because, ha — “Wonkette” — “10,000 dollars” — c’mon.

    Are you accusing Layne of embezzling the vast Wonkette fortune????

  9. freakishlywrong

    Look at those dumb redstates. Full of dumb rubes, voting against my best interests.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Maybe we should implement some kind of emergency manager law on every state that takes more from the federal government than it pays in taxes. I'm sure Michigan Republicans would be in favor of it.

  10. Terry

    Texas "leans Romney"? There aren't enough people in Austin, Houston, and Galveston voting for Obama to balance the voters elsewhere in the State.

    Arizona also shows up as "leans Romney". Really? A State that's run by tea baggers is going to be close?

    Louisiana would have been more of a toss up until Rove and Bush let the people of New Orleans sit under water for a while to drive people away from that city.

    1. tcaalaw

      Actually, putting Texas in the "Leans Romney" column (with a 7% pro-Romney tilt) is probably pretty accurate. McCain won Texas by 11.8% in 2008. When you combine the increasingly Hispanic electorate (the Texas electorate was just over 20% Hispanic in 2008 and will be almost 22% in 2012) with Mitt's lack of military record or any "just plain folks" appeal, I'd be willing to bet that he wins the state by less than 10%.

      1. swordfis

        Daily Kos has a long article explaining why Arizona is a tossup; thus, the Dems are throwing a lot of money at it.

  11. Chow Yun Flat

    Sending money to Karl Rove would get you on the "total sucker–easy to fool" list. Expect phone calls from all the low-life huster and bottom feeding scum who trail in his wake.

    1. actor212

      Lizzie, they've kept both the timing and the route hush-hush (except that it will circle Manhattan).

      There's a real nasty windstorm outside, so it's possible they'll hold until that gets a bit more moderate.

      UPDATE: NBC News reports that it took off about 20 to 10, EDT, so it's about ninety minutes away. I'd turn on CNN if I had a frikkin' TV in my office, my cheap-ass CEO bastard…

  12. ttommyunger

    What better use for Corporate Asshole's moneez than pissing it away on a lost cause like Plastic Man vs. Obammer? Rave on, Rove!

    1. tcaalaw

      If you look closely, it shows Romney at +7%. Given that McCain only won the state by 11.8% in 2008, it's plausible that Romney will win it by less than 10%, given the increasingly Hispanic electorate and Romney's lack of military or "just plain folks" appeal.

      1. qwerty42

        I agree. A number of states will be shifting over the next 10-20 years. This includes Texas and Georgia as well as a number of others. I don't believe it will be a factor in these states this year; it probably will be by 2016.
        In 2008, McCain won Georgia 52-47%. I believe a number of states will be in play by 2016, and it will be the Hispanic vote that drives it.

  13. CapnFatback

    Really, Karl? South Carolina as a toss-up?

    What choice did Rove have? The map is stuck with those hues ever since Bush colored it in that way. If you look closely, you can spy some loganberry syrup in the corner of the placemat, er, map, off the coast of Florida.

  14. ThundercatHo

    Gotta give to Turdblossom, he is an evil genius. Anyone who could get a that dumbshit, W, elected knows how to play to least of us. I'm betting there's a special place in hell for him and Cheney.

  15. JoeHoya

    You can't mail checks that will draw on insufficient funds. Who do you think you are, Newt Gingrich?

  16. chicken_thief

    Rove is plotting and plotting, scaring his devout followers into donating money so he can work to get the soshulist Kenyan out of office. For the good of the country, Save freedums and shit.

    And replace that commie Nazi with a Bot to his political left.

    Makes perfect sense…

  17. BerkeleyBear

    If I'm a lukewarm Romney supporter (as are they all) and I apply a Romney-esque ROI, strategic audit approach to this, and I assume (as the GOP does) that Rove is actually credible on anything, why would I give him any money? He's got Obama in a position to only need to hold, not win any of the Rove id'd battlegrounds, to take 270 easily. Any investment would be throwing good money after bad.

    BTW, Michigan is about as much of a toss-up in this election as Rove is likely to win a Mr. Universe pageant – Chrysler just posted a record profit, GM and Ford are both profitable, and Romney told them all to fuck off and die. That will have a major spillover effect in Ohio, too (Chrysler has major plants there) and may even help make Indiana a toss-up again this cycle (lots of part suppliers there survived because of the bailout).

  18. Troglodeity

    Maybe – JUST MAYBE! – if the Republican Party immediately lines up behind genius Karl Rove and gives him hundreds of millions of dollars, states like South Carolina, South Dakota and Texas may still vote GOP. It's not too late, sheeple!

  19. Isyaignert

    Everytime I see that pudgy fuk's face, I say to myself, "Shouldn't that fukker be in jail?" Remember when he ignored several Congressional subpoenas? We couldn't get away with that. Fuk you you fuk. Karma's going to have her way with you – big time.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Thank you!

      Weren't there contempt of Congress charges (automatic pun acknowledged) being bandied about?

      1. Isyaignert

        For about a minute and then the pink tu-tu Dems started clutching their pearls in fear and went back to the fainting couch.

  20. rickmaci

    I am not so sure this map is very far off. Many of those "leaning" states are probably already tipped, like Michigan, Pennsylvania and Nevada. Ohio, once again, is the lynch pin for the Dems. As long as Dems win Ohio, they can lose all the others and still win the electoral. It's really all about those 18 votes in just one state.

  21. Wile E. Quixote

    South Carolina only does two things, and it does them well: voting against Kenyans and seceding from Unions

    That's not true. South Carolina does three things well: voting against Kenyans, seceding from Unions and siphoning money from the Federal government while constantly bitching about it.

  22. Gainsbourg69

    I think this map is a bit optimistic. I wouldn't bet on Florida, Virginia or Iowa being toss ups.

  23. comrad_darkness

    What the hell happened to 4%? God I hate idiot chart makers. Let's hope they continue to be idiots. (Unfortunately that seems to be a requirement for success in American politics)

  24. zumpie

    I haz confused: normally Puggies are the ones who think EVERYBODY'S a Rethuglican and they are sooooooo gonna win. I say this as the resident of the bluest district in a blue state. Even still, last election all the Puggies insisted their former realtor, now housewife, teaslut candidate would trounce the incumbent (he won with like 65% of the vote, which is a weak showing for him).

    If anything, WE'RE normally the ones shitting bricks, even when we don't need to. I would've thought Karl would know the way to get Puggie $$$ is to play fathead braggart. Duh!

  25. Negropolis

    LOL!@ them having Michigan a "lean" Obama. Puh-leeze. This state will give Obama some of his largest margins in the nation…just like last time.

  26. usc2012

    As a SC progressive, even I know that there's not much a chance my state will be a 'toss up.' Why would anyone think Rove isn't insanely slanted and biased, and likely scheming. And also, that nasty little comment about South Carolina that Jim Newell threw in there, well, folks like you probably deserve a good kick in the balls for being so full of your own shit. But I agree with the sentiment. Trust nothing from Ham Rove.

  27. Designer_Rants

    Ariana Shoenkopffington sits in her Beverly Hills HottubCopter, flying through rainbows, snorting blow and machinegunning moderate Republicans. And when she (very occasionally) thinks of L'il Jimmy Newell, she mails him a nickel (postage due).

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