Bristol Bump

Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin

Lil PreciousBristol Palin is setting the record straight about ‘putting a ring on it’ vs ‘trial marriage’ (getting dick). Despite her past struggles of tagging hockey players, having a child out of wedlock and pretending to be a Christian, Bristol is super totally not “doing it” with the hot dude your Wonkette said Bristol was totally doing it with.

Bristol is a good Christian, but now she wants to show how bad it is for everyone else but her to get it without being married first. Bristol, through her years of experience, has found the only way to have sex and be ok with it is to put a shiny piece of metal on her finger and getting the ‘do it’ from Jesus.

“In fact, you may have even recently heard rumors I’m living with my boyfriend. As that gossip spread a couple of weeks ago, people all over America were applauding me for – finally! – coming to my senses and abandoning my no-sex-until-marriage policy. Others are saying that me shacking up with my boyfriend is the height of hypocrisy.

Here’s the thing. It’s not true. As I mentioned before, I recently bought a home across the lake from my parents’ house. While it’s under renovation, I’m actually living in an apartment on their property. Rest assured — there’s no way on earth my mom and dad would allow a guy to spend the night here with me.”

There is something we are trying to remember, about Levi Johnston maybe? Oh well.

The Palins have always been very strict parents and having a man spend the night at Bristol’s place is simply out of the question. Those principles have been passed down to Bristol and now that Beyonce, Jesus and the New York Times have weighed in, she now has all the resources needed to form the ‘New York Jews for Jesus Singing Brigade For Putting A Ring On It.’

“But even if I weren’t temporarily living on their property, I wouldn’t move in with someone. Why? Well, new evidence reported in the New York Times suggests what the Bible has already told us: living together before marriage does not lead to happiness.

These so-called “trial marriages” hurt men, women, and children. So, all of you girls who’ve said yes to sex in the wrong context know this: you don’t have to say yes to living with someone in the wrong context too. I guess it’s unanimous. Because now we have the Bible, the New York Times, and even Beyonce suggesting the best way to secure relationship success is to… “put a ring on it.”

Like a cock ring maybe. Those can be very helpful, we are told. Wonkette regrets its previous error. [Bristol'sBlog]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

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149 comments

      1. FlownOver

        Excuse me, Mr. Actor… the Wonkette Standards and Practices Staff would like a word with you. Apparently circumventing the Only Rule, no matter how obliquely, is still grounds for disWonkment.

  1. actor212

    there’s no way on earth my mom and dad would allow a guy to spend the night here with me

    So I kick his luscious loins out just before sunrise.

    However, since this is Alaska, that's something like 11 in the morning…

      1. actor212

        Now, she's 22, and an adult in any conceivable meaning of the word.

        If I told my daughter she can't have any overnights (she's 23), she'd tell me to fuck off.

        And PS, my daughter never had a bastard child(ren)

    1. savethispatient

      Ah, great minds think alike it seems.. but you got there first. I was not aware of the milk angle on barn doors being locked, however, us Limeys usually worry about horses bolting. I guess they drink horse milk in AK?

      1. Maman

        I come from a idiom and metaphorically challenged people and I have honored them with that piece of snark. But I think they drink moose milk in AK.

    2. tcaalaw

      I think at this stage not only has the milk been given away, but the cows have been slaughtered and ground into hamburger.

    1. spends2much

      See, Sarah! Even your dumbass daughter knows how to pretend she reads the New York Times. If only she'd taught you that skill 4 years ago, huh?

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Concubines, also. Bristol might be interested in the part where the Bible says concubines are o.k. I even get the feeling they were prized in society for what they, and she, are best known for: birthin' babies!

  3. ChernobylSoup

    all of you girls who’ve said yes to sex in the wrong context…

    "Hey sweetie, can you help me with the dishes?"

    "Okay, I'll fuck you sideways on the kitchen table then sixty-nine you until morning this time but never again."

  4. FakaktaSouth

    Honest to God I think what screws up people who are happily living together is the getting married part. Also, just shut up Bristol, you are terrible.

  5. Boojum

    There's a legal concept known as "libel proof", which is when someone's reputation is so shot to hell that you couldn't libel them if you did your worst. When it comes to Bristol sexing it up without a ring, I would put a big "Exhibit A" on the squirming little product of conception currently tugging on her camoflage.

    1. tessiee

      "There's a legal concept known as "libel proof", which is when someone's reputation is so shot to hell that you couldn't libel them if you did your worst."

      See also: Not Even Wrong.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Oh yeah, you know she's fucking everything she can get her legs around. And you know, I would say good for her, if she didn't say all this other bullshit. It's so ridiculous.

  6. savethispatient

    there’s no way on earth my mom and dad would allow a guy to spend the night here with me.

    The horse just called, he says to remind you to lock the stable door.

  7. elviouslyqueer

    Because now we have the Bible, the New York Times, and even Beyonce suggesting the best way to secure relationship success is to… “put a ring on it.”

    I'm assuming you mean a NuvaRing, amirite, Bristle?

  8. anniegetyerfun

    OK, Bristol is raising a child but is not allowed (by her parents) to decide who sleeps over and when? I know she was a teenager when she got knocked up, but isn't she an adult now? I mean, legally. Mentally, I agree that she is roughly age 8, but then, so are both of her parents.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "Look, Missy. As long as you're living under my SuperPAC you'll follow my rules."

  9. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I have seen the face of Jesse Kelly's selfish literary equivalent, and she is Bristol Palin.

    113 words in the quoted blurb, and thirteen are devoted to Bristol ("I, myself, me")

  10. el_donaldo

    The Bible, the New York Times, and Beyonce. Well, that settles it.

    Taken together, the message seems to be that if you're not going to put a ring on it, you have to pay thirty shekels and a goat, and you'll probably creep Douthat out a bit.

  11. Baconzgood

    Bristol on moral high ground is like….it's so hard to wrap my mind around I can't even finish that statment.

    1. chicken_thief

      Which is prolly why she isn't shagging anyone. Even guys in Wasilla must have some minimum standards.

  12. ThundercatHo

    Honey, instead of writing your insipid thoughts on your blog, have a reality show or dance with the stars why don't you get yourself some professional help. It's not your fault that you are totally screwed-up. It's your mother's.

  13. Baconzgood

    I don't think I'll take my family advice from a 20 year old chick that was knocked up by two different dudes and has cheating father and mega cunt mother thank you very much.

    1. tcaalaw

      To be fair to her father, having sexual relations at the end of a session in an Asian massage parlor is a long-held cultural tradition and it would be unspeakably rude to forego it.

  14. fuflans

    These so-called “trial marriages” hurt men, women, and children. So, all of you girls who’ve said yes to sex in the wrong context know this: you don’t have to say yes to living with someone in the wrong context too.

    bristol honey i've been shacking up since 1999 and there's been no cheating, relatively few tears, no unwanted pregnancies, no tabloids, no meth loving in-laws. plus we've watched all our forever jesus married friends' marriages fall apart one by one.

    but then again we are dirty dirty actors so living in sin comes pretty naturally.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      For real. My partner and I have been together almost 20 years, and it hasn't always been easy but it's always worked out. We have jobs, a great house, lots of little furry ones running around, and neighbors that don't burn crosses on our lawn. I would love to "put a ring on it" and get all gay-married and shit, but pontificating shitbirds like Brisket and her ilk seem to have "moral qualms" about us doing so.

      So, in short, fuck this stupid twat.

    2. savethispatient

      no meth loving in-laws

      Well, technically you can only choose your meth-loving friends, not your in-laws…

  15. Not_So_Much

    Does this mean only day-time fucking or strictly in the pooper to avoid making more trailer babies?

  16. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Having a hard time believing Bristol really wrote that press release blog post. Too many compound sentences, colons, em-dashes, etc.

      1. Lisa

        It's the same woman who wrote Brisdull's book – Nancy French – but written at the direction of Wasilla Wonkyass herself.

  17. chascates

    Track Palin was born to Sarah and Todd eight months after their elopement. Track's son was born two months after his marriage.

    That first baby can come any time but that second one ALWAYS TAKES NINE MONTHS!

  18. fuflans

    also, i still want to know what happened to that nightmarish mcmansion hellhole she bought in AZ?

    1. tcaalaw

      Seized by the county as a "public nuisance." They sold it to somebody who would convert to a more noble and socially-redeeming use, like an Asian massage parlor with underage sex slaves.

  19. DerrickWildcat

    When I was a little kid we had some old fucked up lookin' dude come to my school to tell us all how bad drugs were. He went on and on about all the cool people and fun times he had when he was on all of the drugs. He really has us laughing! Then he started to talk about how his friend died or he killed someone or something or whatever, but we weren't really listening at that point because we were all like looking at each other and wondering how we were going to find some of those drugs.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Me too. Our version handed out these colorful bumper stickers that read "I get naturally high on____," and had all the kids break into groups to decide what kinds of things they could fill into the blank. Naturally, most of us wrote: "drugs."

    1. Beowoof

      Well most young guys are really into that no sex thing so I think that could be it, or he is getting somewhere else and fakes it with Bristol in hopes some of Caribou Barbie's cash will trickle down on him.

  20. Nesnora

    So she's old enough to fuck, get knocked up, give birth, buy a house, give interviews and life advice for everyone, give political opinions about the welfare of other Americans, yet she's not to be trusted or responsible enough to entertain a man in her own apartment because of her… parents? Yeah, ok. That's not fucked-up at all. Then again, if you base important life decisions based on what the NY Times or a celebrity tells you, you probably do need to be chaperoned.

  21. rickmaci

    Come on, leave Bristol alone. She can't help it if she is stupid. Not her fault. She came by it honestly. She inherited it.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    If I were of childbearing age (and gender), I wouldn't go within 10 miles of a Palin for fear of catching pregnancy.

  23. BornInATrailer

    "The Palins are a wonderful example of what an American family should be."

    Comment on her blog. I don't think there is a single person that actually believes this. Sure some will say it because they like Sarah's politics or "spunkiness" or Bristol's galumphing thighs. But no one really, really believes this… right?

    1. tessiee

      "The Palins are a wonderful example of what an American family should be."

      Dumb, gun-happy, and the female members of the family fuck for a dime.

  24. Redhead

    Oh Bristol. Everything about this is just SO facepalm worthy, I don't know where to start.

    1. GemlikeFlame

      I've got to hand one thing to her. She or whoever is ghost-writing her stuff knows how to form a coherent sentence, something that Mama Grizzly has never been able to do.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    Well, new evidence reported in the New York Times suggests what the Bible has already told us: living together before marriage does not lead to happiness.

    Ann Landers is long dead, but I'm pretty darn sure Bristol is quoting from the same "study" that she used to cite — it was something published in Reader's Digest about how living together resulted in more breakups than formal marriage — which, if I understand this whole "living together" thing, is exactly why people live together before they get married.

    But whatever — anyone who gets their relationship advice from the Bible can't see common sense from her house anyway.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    I told you so. You guys should have checked it. The only source was the Enquirer. Wonkette is, of course, a happy cesspool of cruel japes, but when it comes to accuracy, you look like all the other idiot sites when you just take the Enquirer's word for it.

    1. commiegirl

      oh please. I believe she's not shacking up with that dude as much as I believe anything else out of her mouth.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        OK, whatever, but this Internet business of everybody and their mother reposting and recirculating a story without checking its source or doing any independent verification, especially when any jerk like me can figure out in 5 minutes that there is only one dubious source for a story, is what drives me crazy about "online journalism." Everybody is too busy scrounging for hits to to be professional.

  27. Beowoof

    Some stories out of Alaska suggest that she likes fucking way too much not be getting some dick.

  28. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure that Jesus was OK with the last time I had extramarital sex, as she kept shouting out His and God's name.

  29. rocktonsam

    My ex wife developed an abandon sex during marriage policy. So fuck you ,you grifter slag.

  30. rocktonsam

    "no way on earth my mom and dad would ever allow a guy to spend the night here with me."

    Oh sweety, really?

  31. FlownOver

    If that pic is any indication she's figured out a foolproof contraceptive. Imagine looking at that face and even considering the possibility of tumescence.

  32. Slim_Pickins

    Two words describe Bristol's life-style — PUNCTUATED ABSTINENCE. I'll let the more imaginative of the Wonketteers decide what the punctuation is.

  33. GemlikeFlame

    I live on a college campus. The local chapter of the Hitler Youth (Young Americans for Freedom or some such oxymoron) have been putting up posters decrying the left's vilification of the Palin brood, stating in large letters that an insult to any of them was a sign of disrespect to all women. Posted next to which was a large poster of Ann Coulter's prominent adam's apple (I really want to get a look at her chromosomes, I have a strong suspicion there's a Y in there somewhere.)

    Somebody wrote on the poster that Rush and Fox and Friend's gentle treatment of Hilary and Nancy Pelosi was exactly the kind of respect for women that the right obviously had in mind.

    I almost cried. We're graduating the more bloodthirsty of that group this May, which is just a damn good thing.

  34. tessiee

    “In fact, you may have even recently heard rumors I’m living with my boyfriend. As that gossip spread a couple of weeks ago, people all over America were applauding me for – finally! – coming to my senses and abandoning my no-sex-until-marriage policy."

    And then there were those people who figured that ship had sailed after you gave birth to little Oops.

  35. tessiee

    Most of us figured out the difference between fame and notoriety by the time we were in our 20s. Brisdull thinks that just because she's a figure of fun, anyone anywhere actually *cares* what she does, doesn't do, does or doesn't have sex with, etc.
    I guess she's just not very bright, bless her heart.

Comments are closed.