WAR ON ENGAGEMENTS  4:01 pm April 26, 2012

Sandra Fluke Engagement Leads To Even More Hilarious Jokes

by Jim Newell

Did you hear that free sex-pill devourer Sandra Fluke is getting engaged? Whatever. But here’s Fox News/Washington Times mistake Monica Crowley making history’s funniest joke, ever. “To a man?” Ha ha ha ha! OH, YOU. (“To a man?”, she tweets.)

No, nevermind — she was apparently asking a Straightforward Question. Duh? Don’t we feel silly!

To answer the question, then: No, Sandra Fluke is not a lesbian. For reference, trying researching the 2012 “Sandra Fluke controversy that dominated the news for weeks,” in which Rush Limbaugh and others catapulted her to fame by calling her a “slut” and “prostitute” who ate free birth control pills like candy because she was constantly having sex with men. Then check out the file of intrepid reporting on Fluke’s boyfriend (now fiance), such as the revelation that her boyfriend’s father is a rich Super Jew who secretly controls Global Finance and the Democratic party, and is also maybe a Marxist, who, again, controls Global Finance.

Glad to help, Monica Crowley!

[Media Matters]

 

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{ 152 comments }

Schmannnity April 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I was not aware lesbians needed birth control.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Luckily we have a crack investigative journalist from Fox News to uncover the truth. Do lesbians need birth control? Many are asking…

Nostrildamus April 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"Do Lesbians Need Birth Control?"
A five part series starts this week on The Factor!

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We report, you decide…

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Do lesbians need birth control? We Report, You Decide.

WhatTheHeck April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

a crack investigative journalist…
investigares wha…?

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm

In Wing Nut-astan All lesbians take birth control because NOW and NAMBLA forces them to take it then have abortions while driving 65 MPG cars while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags.

Duuuuh Schmannnity! Where have you been?

WunkRocker April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

"while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags…"
Toonces?

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo………….!

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Wouldn't Toonces *drive* in NASCAR?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I thought that it came with the territory.

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm

pretty much why GOP congresscritters don't need condoms – rentboys can't conceive

TheGyrus April 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Those homosexuals are always trying to get free birth control.

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Any woman who stands up for her rights instead of just taking what's coming to her is obviously a lesbian.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Thank you for today's Bible Reading!

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Monica Crowley, noted Romney advisor, has insulted all women who are engaged to be married.

#NotFunny also. too.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm

In fairness, Crowley's married to her vibrator in the form of Jesus.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

It's not Jesus on the Cross is it, because THAT might explain what's up her ass.

rickmaci April 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

You know, I'm detecting just a hint of "why don't men want me" jealousy/envy in the tone of that Tweet.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I'm sure Ann Coulter's given her the eye from time to time

OkieDokieDog April 26, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Well with all that man-on-dog sexytime happening somewhere, anything is possible, huh, Monica?

Who the fuck is Monica Crowley anyway? Some dim-witted FOX commentator? There's so many of them I can't keep up.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 26, 2012 at 4:08 pm

So who's this Monica Crowley chick, Wikipedia?

Crowley holds a B.A. in Political Science from Colgate University and a Ph.D. in International Relations from Columbia University (2000). The title of her doctoral dissertation was "Clearer than truth: Determining and preserving grand strategy. The evolution of American policy toward the People's Republic of China under Truman and Nixon."

Crowley began written correspondence with former President Richard Nixon while attending Columbia which led to the two meeting. She had the opportunity to continue her education at Villanova University but instead accepted a position as a research assistant for Nixon. Nixon promoted her to Foreign Policy Assistant in 1990 because he appreciated her foreign policy opinions. She was an editorial adviser and consultant on his last two books, Seize the Moment (1992) and Beyond Peace (1994). She held the position until Nixon's death in 1994. Crowley used this period to record her conversations and observations about Nixon (she kept a diary), and she published two subsequent books on the former President in his final years: Nixon Off the Record: His Candid Commentary on People (1996) and Nixon in Winter (1998).

Italics added. You wonder if any of her books tells what it's like to boink the Trickster. "Now, Monica, I want to make one thing perfectly clear…"

OkieDokieDog April 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Oh… I see. Miss Crowley is not married, thus SHE is the lesbian.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

She used to be on the McLaughlin Report regularly.

I can understand why no one would marry her, gay or straight.

Interesting fact: her sister is married to Alan Colmes.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

She is the person that finally drove me away from that show. Can you even imagine someone being an even more terrible person than John Mclaughlin?

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

He also regularly had Pat Buchanan on so, yes.

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

ew. Sounds jowl-y.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Also, from Arizona. Natural born wingnut.

alzronnie April 26, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Nixon liked to put ketchup on her before diving in.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

With the fireplace roaring and the window open. Maybe she has cottage cheese thighs….

crittersbybritty April 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Monica obviously has no idea how these here internets work.

Hey everyone, go and vote "No" in this cool Orly Taitz poll! I know how much you all like doing civic minded things like that.
http://www.govote.com/candidates/california/candi

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Hey! I *voted* for OilyTitz in the GOP primary last time – she'd be the PERFECT GOP candidate for any elective office, anywhere in the US!

glamourdammerung April 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Yep, liberals are hateful and have to make personal attacks constantly because they have nothing to say of substance.

/sighs

Designer_Rants April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Don't forget "angry". The rabid Comment Octopus that lives on the conservaturd sites always says "angry liberal". Is that coming from Central Programming, or what's the reference?

glamourdammerung April 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I overlooked it in my amazement that this Monica Crowley lady was able to override her sense of shame and say something that offensively stupid.

vtxmcrider April 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm

She can override her sense of shame because it is just a painted line, not some huge speed bump.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Also, we hate electricity.

PuckStopsHere April 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Getting married? That will put an end to her sex life.

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Bill Maher says something stupid and demeaning means the end of the world (or at least frenzied pearl clutching).

Monica Crowley says something stupid and demeaning and no one should be offended she was just asking.

chicken_thief April 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

@MonicaCrowley eats dead babies?

No insinuation, straightforward question.

No answer yet.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

She's not going to dignify that with an answer.

(because she eats them alive, of course.)

smokefilledroommate April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

In her skull? "Monica Crowley Announces Empty Cavity"

Just a straightforward question.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm

In her skull?

Oh fuck that.

MrFizzy April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Proving that anyone with blonde hair and a working cooter can get a PhD in something. Scabrous whore.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Are we sure the never married Miss Crowley has a *working* cooter?

Schmannnity April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

43 and never married Miss Crowley? Meeeeooooow.

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

What exactly are you insinuating, Schmannity? Hmmmm?

Schmannnity April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Jealousy, exactly.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

"That bitch Michele stole my man! Marcus, I'm still here for you!!!!"

AnAmericanInTO April 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Well, I'm sure she's still practicing abstinence only after all these decades.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Perhaps not by choice, but yes.

ernestwhile April 27, 2012 at 10:55 am

FTW!

jaytingle April 27, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Monica Crowley's cat is named Gabrielle. Just to move things along, that's a Xena reference.

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Monica's envy about other women being 'attractive' to men is frankly not helping her cause.

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

@MonicaCrowley

STFU you bobble-headed homophobic bimbette.

#nobodygivesaflyingfuckwhatyouthink

LetUsBray April 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Hey, is it true Monica Crowley hangs out at the aquarium with Troy McClure? Totally a straightforward question.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

No, she merely smells that way. It's an easy assumption to make.

iburl April 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

That's your choice GOP ladies, A GOP slut-lady or a dykey lesbian. CHOOSE NOW!

rickmaci April 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Here is a real knee slapper for you.

Sponsors, can you say Monica Crowley must go!

crybabyboehner April 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Monica has a point. Ms. Fluke could have been dating a turkey baster.

Eve8Apples April 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Yes Monica. Sandra is marrying a strapping manly man. A man with an enormous penis that ejaculates sperm like a grenade launcher and brings Sandra to nightly multiple orgasms. Why do you think Ms. Fluke requires all the contraception?

As for you Monica, I assume you will be spending your nights alone in your apartment with your cat, your box of Kleenex and your vibrator. Perhaps if you would start taking more contraceptives, men would find you sexually desirable.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Excellent.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

(golf clap)

Boojum April 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Here, here!

(And, yes, I know it's technically "hear, hear", but I really meant here, here, what with the Sandra Fluke orgasms and such).

CthuNHu April 26, 2012 at 8:08 pm

No, we wouldn't.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

So if a single woman who uses birth control is a slut and a prostitute, what is a married woman who uses it?

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

A whore and a trollop?

Just a guess.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Just like Cindy McCain?

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 4:17 pm

If she's in Arizona, she's denying her unformed fetus the right to life! This must be stopped right now!

Preferred Customer April 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Trick Question! The answer is a slut and prostitute.

Eve8Apples April 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

A wise slutty prostitute with great jewelry.

Preferred Customer April 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm

If she's married to a GOPer, "future ex-wife." That jewelry is on loan, sweetheart.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Guilty of preemptive genocide?

Nesnora April 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm

a witch?

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Megan Calvet Draper?

Boojum April 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

She obviously needs the birth control in order to prevent the birth of Jesus II, the Second Coming.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Now we *finally* know who asked 'how babby formed? how girl get pregnant?'

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

And surprisingly, it wasn't a six year old sister or brother to be, but a 44 year old slouching spinster.

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Poor Monica — you'll find a nice man one day too, dear, to make you a whole woman. Before it shrivels up, I hope.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Don't you wish, Monica…

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Sandra Fluke is smart, articulate, good looking and about to graduate from a top law school and marry a really rich guy.

Monica Cowley uses her Columbia Ph.D. to write on twitter.

Monica is a bitter harpy.

Boojum April 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Harpies everywhere rise up in protest.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Who cares what one of Bob Barker's former show case show model has to say about politics?

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

For realz?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Pardon my unladylike choice of words, but:
You have to be fucking shitting me.

mrpuma2u April 26, 2012 at 4:17 pm

To a man? No to your sister, you bottle bleach blond ditz bomb.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Does @MonicaCrowley know that lesbians don't have penises that ejaculate sperm to fertilize an egg?

Straightforward question. No answer yet.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The closest Monica's been to seeing a penis is when she takes a piss.

BornInATrailer April 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Oh, you were just asking a real question?

Oh, fuck you you fucking dishonest cunt fuck.

SkinnyNerd April 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Conservatives have a real hard time figuring out their sexual slurs. We should make a book, "Sexual Terms for Dummies," which would improve their familiarity with these terms.

CommieLibunatic April 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

WELL AREN'T YOU A CLEVER LADY?

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, these people would cause a stink if it was revealed that someone ate a bagel for breakfast.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I like you Stewart. You're not like the other people here at the trailer park.

imissopus April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Oh man, multiple upfists for the Stewart reference.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

@MonicaCrowley is a cunt?

No insinuation, straightforward question.

No answer yet.

But I think I know.

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Wow, Crowley is giving the cheap, easy joke a bad name.
We're doomed.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Well, cheap and easy are her specialties!

No insinuation, straightforward statement.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm

That's ok. They have thier echo chamber and we have ours.

Ruhe April 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Monica Crowley socializes electronically and in real life with people who would find her little quip amusing. Sad.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

So she landed a nice Jewish boy from a good family?

#mazeltov

imissopus April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Mazel Tov? Sounds ethnic.

Preferred Customer April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Isn't that what the Reds use to burn down factories? Mazel Tov Cocktails?

PubOption April 26, 2012 at 7:52 pm

More like Mossad.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:26 pm

See, I scrolled down this post too quickly. I thought Crowley was the human adverb.

"She crowley bitched about how lonely it felt, locked away in her home office, typing furiously away to slur a beautiful young lady"

spareme April 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"To a man? "Sandra Fluke Announces Engagement"

Wonder if she used the same brain power when writing her dissertation.

Preferred Customer April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Word order? I don't know it.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Wonder what it is about Conservabitches that they think smart automatically equals lesbian? I realize this dumb twat-bearer has no idea what being a intelligent woman looks like, but I don't understand calling the slut pill girl a lesbian at all. I don't even know why that is funny. IF she had been testifying AGAINST birth control then that would be "appropriate," but this is just like saying "Shut up, you're gay" to someone in an asshole fight, right?

Nesnora April 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm

a fistful of my pill candy says Monica was a "lesbian-until-graduation" among the frat buddies she fucked for approval.

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 8:01 pm

She was just trying to get Shawn, Chuck, Tucker, Bryce, Hunt, Blaine, and "Chugger" to like her!

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 12:01 am

Those names! I'm upfisting and cringing at the same time!

Warwhatgoodfor April 26, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Just for the sake of argument, let's say Sandra Fluke is a lesbian. Do I care? Uh, hell no!

sbj1964 April 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

What not a Lesbian?Every woman is a six pack away from her first lesbian experience.Let's hope there are pic's.

littlebigdaddy April 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Now, if it had been Elena Kagan, that would have been comedic gold.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Monica just has never been able to find a man who could thrill her like the 80-year old Richard Nixon did.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

If you're the kind of person who gets hot when he bombs neutral countries, the erection never really goes away.

vtxmcrider April 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

She spent all those years with him trying to learn whether "Tricky Dick" had a secret meaning.

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 12:03 am

Whereas he was just trying to get it down Pat.

friendlyskies April 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Saw she retweeted someone who said "Wow, the Left has really been busy spewing vile and misogynistic bile at Conservative women today. But we don't retreat, we reload."

Ladies, instead of reloading or retreating, I'd rather you read a basic biology text. One that covers more than Genesis. You'll be amazed.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Oh! I get it! It's a JOKE!

It's funny because Sandra Fluke is intelligent and has short, brown hair and obviously no hot-blooded man would want that, so she must be a lesbo.

Ha?

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

"intelligent and has short, brown hair .. must be a lesbo"

Wait, does this mean that you're really a lesbian? Oh no!

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Oh no? I think you really mean 'Oh Yes!'

Warwhatgoodfor April 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm

What hot blooded man would want that? Both hands up,, waving wildly – "Me! Me!"

LiberalMantra April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Mrs. Crowley, what went on in your head?
Oh Mrs. Crowley, did you talk with Glenn Beck?
Your writing style is that of a hack,
your 'reporting' and all,
The village needs their idiot back,
Faux News took the call…

I wanna know what you meant…

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Music is not the same without Randy Rhodes :(

LiberalMantra April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Next thing you know, she will be biting the heads off blahs.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Yes Monica, to a man, just like Lindsey Graham.

arihaya April 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Sandra Fluke is engaged?

what a sad and depressing story !

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Face it Monica, Sandra likes you but she doesn't LIKE like you. Move on.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Ms. Crowley, won't you ride my white horse?
Ms. Crowley, it's symbolic of course
Approaching a time that is classic
I hear that maiden's call
Approaching a time that is drastic
Standing with their backs to the wall

Was it polemically sent?
I wanna know what you meant
I wanna know
I wanna know what you meant, yeah!

Thanks Ozzy!!

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm

'Tweets on a Scandal' anyone?

Antispandex April 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm

….and Monica Crowley will someday have sex. With a human? Not "insinuating", just asking a question.

imissopus April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

All this attention for unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Monica Crowley is making unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Kathryn Jean Lopez jealous.

HippieEsq April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

To her job? "Monica Crowley announces engagement"

Boojum April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Is Monica Crowley dating Larry Fishelson? Straightforward question.

Here are Monica and Larry, showing off their closeness.
http://www.dynalinktel.com/photo-gallery.html

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Remember, no cheap jokes about Mr. Fishelson.

ElPinche April 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

C….C….cu…….c.c.cc..cc…cun…. NO!
I'm trying real hard guys!

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I must have missed something. When did Monica Crowley move to Us Weekly?

Mumbly_Joe April 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Who writes Monical Crowley's tweets for her?

I'm not implying that Crowley is subliterate, I'm just asking a straightfowrward question.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

the 44 year old bitter blogger

StealthMuslin April 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Wow, now that Ann Coulter is near death (50) it's like "Game of Thrones" among the right-wing bimbettes. "Winter (and nothing else) is coming."

tessiee April 27, 2012 at 12:08 am

"Ann Coulter is near death (50)"

Be sure to drive a stake through her heart at a crossroads; we don't want *that* one coming back.

Typodong3 April 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

So she asks straight questions about the sexual pairings of pending weddings as a matter of course? So when the Prince of Wales got married a while back, she asked, "To a woman"?

poorgradstudent April 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

That…that doesn't even make sense! Jesus, I'm not a self-hating female conservative and even I can think of an alternative:

"To just one man?!"

It's not even funny but at least it has a logical relationship to…well, things in reality.

owhatever April 26, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Monica is saving herself for Anne Coulter.

e_z April 26, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Monica dearie, you spot it, you got it.

Barrelhse April 26, 2012 at 7:18 pm

I think it's nice that she's getting married. Then her children won't be just a Fluke.

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 7:52 pm

"Insinuating" nothing. Straightforward question. No answer yet.

Keep waiting, honey.

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Fluke's response: "Monica who?"

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Pathetic. Really. Pathetic.

ElPinche April 26, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Didn't she learn anything from the Tupac hologram?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Vapid whore is vapid.

Thedongsofwar April 27, 2012 at 8:16 am

No, she's getting engaged to a maypole and she plans on dancing around it to ensure good harvests.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:40 am

I understand Monica brushes her teeth five times a day, but her breath still smells like Nixons's penis.

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