war on engagements

Sandra Fluke Engagement Leads To Even More Hilarious Jokes

Did you hear that free sex-pill devourer Sandra Fluke is getting engaged? Whatever. But here’s Fox News/Washington Times mistake Monica Crowley making history’s funniest joke, ever. “To a man?” Ha ha ha ha! OH, YOU. (“To a man?”, she tweets.)

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No, nevermind — she was apparently asking a Straightforward Question. Duh? Don’t we feel silly!

To answer the question, then: No, Sandra Fluke is not a lesbian. For reference, trying researching the 2012 “Sandra Fluke controversy that dominated the news for weeks,” in which Rush Limbaugh and others catapulted her to fame by calling her a “slut” and “prostitute” who ate free birth control pills like candy because she was constantly having sex with men. Then check out the file of intrepid reporting on Fluke’s boyfriend (now fiance), such as the revelation that her boyfriend’s father is a rich Super Jew who secretly controls Global Finance and the Democratic party, and is also maybe a Marxist, who, again, controls Global Finance.

Glad to help, Monica Crowley!

[Media Matters]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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152 comments

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Luckily we have a crack investigative journalist from Fox News to uncover the truth. Do lesbians need birth control? Many are asking…

    2. Baconzgood

      In Wing Nut-astan All lesbians take birth control because NOW and NAMBLA forces them to take it then have abortions while driving 65 MPG cars while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags.

      Duuuuh Schmannnity! Where have you been?

      1. WunkRocker

        "while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags…"
        Toonces?

    3. YasserArraFeck

      pretty much why GOP congresscritters don't need condoms – rentboys can't conceive

  1. mavenmaven

    Any woman who stands up for her rights instead of just taking what's coming to her is obviously a lesbian.

  2. Generation[redacted]

    Monica Crowley, noted Romney advisor, has insulted all women who are engaged to be married.

    #NotFunny also. too.

    1. rickmaci

      You know, I'm detecting just a hint of "why don't men want me" jealousy/envy in the tone of that Tweet.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    Well with all that man-on-dog sexytime happening somewhere, anything is possible, huh, Monica?

    Who the fuck is Monica Crowley anyway? Some dim-witted FOX commentator? There's so many of them I can't keep up.

  4. V572 Fehrnstrom

    So who's this Monica Crowley chick, Wikipedia?

    Crowley holds a B.A. in Political Science from Colgate University and a Ph.D. in International Relations from Columbia University (2000). The title of her doctoral dissertation was "Clearer than truth: Determining and preserving grand strategy. The evolution of American policy toward the People's Republic of China under Truman and Nixon."

    Crowley began written correspondence with former President Richard Nixon while attending Columbia which led to the two meeting. She had the opportunity to continue her education at Villanova University but instead accepted a position as a research assistant for Nixon. Nixon promoted her to Foreign Policy Assistant in 1990 because he appreciated her foreign policy opinions. She was an editorial adviser and consultant on his last two books, Seize the Moment (1992) and Beyond Peace (1994). She held the position until Nixon's death in 1994. Crowley used this period to record her conversations and observations about Nixon (she kept a diary), and she published two subsequent books on the former President in his final years: Nixon Off the Record: His Candid Commentary on People (1996) and Nixon in Winter (1998).

    Italics added. You wonder if any of her books tells what it's like to boink the Trickster. "Now, Monica, I want to make one thing perfectly clear…"

      1. actor212

        She used to be on the McLaughlin Report regularly.

        I can understand why no one would marry her, gay or straight.

        Interesting fact: her sister is married to Alan Colmes.

        1. Biff

          She is the person that finally drove me away from that show. Can you even imagine someone being an even more terrible person than John Mclaughlin?

      1. V572 Fehrnstrom

        With the fireplace roaring and the window open. Maybe she has cottage cheese thighs….

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Hey! I *voted* for OilyTitz in the GOP primary last time – she'd be the PERFECT GOP candidate for any elective office, anywhere in the US!

    1. Designer_Rants

      Don't forget "angry". The rabid Comment Octopus that lives on the conservaturd sites always says "angry liberal". Is that coming from Central Programming, or what's the reference?

        1. vtxmcrider

          She can override her sense of shame because it is just a painted line, not some huge speed bump.

  5. Chow Yun Flat

    Bill Maher says something stupid and demeaning means the end of the world (or at least frenzied pearl clutching).

    Monica Crowley says something stupid and demeaning and no one should be offended she was just asking.

  6. chicken_thief

    @MonicaCrowley eats dead babies?

    No insinuation, straightforward question.

    No answer yet.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      She's not going to dignify that with an answer.

      (because she eats them alive, of course.)

  7. MrFizzy

    Proving that anyone with blonde hair and a working cooter can get a PhD in something. Scabrous whore.

    1. jaytingle

      Monica Crowley's cat is named Gabrielle. Just to move things along, that's a Xena reference.

  8. Not_So_Much

    Monica's envy about other women being 'attractive' to men is frankly not helping her cause.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    @MonicaCrowley

    STFU you bobble-headed homophobic bimbette.

    #nobodygivesaflyingfuckwhatyouthink

  10. LetUsBray

    Hey, is it true Monica Crowley hangs out at the aquarium with Troy McClure? Totally a straightforward question.

  11. Eve8Apples

    Yes Monica. Sandra is marrying a strapping manly man. A man with an enormous penis that ejaculates sperm like a grenade launcher and brings Sandra to nightly multiple orgasms. Why do you think Ms. Fluke requires all the contraception?

    As for you Monica, I assume you will be spending your nights alone in your apartment with your cat, your box of Kleenex and your vibrator. Perhaps if you would start taking more contraceptives, men would find you sexually desirable.

    1. Boojum

      Here, here!

      (And, yes, I know it's technically "hear, hear", but I really meant here, here, what with the Sandra Fluke orgasms and such).

  12. SorosBot

    So if a single woman who uses birth control is a slut and a prostitute, what is a married woman who uses it?

    1. Callyson

      If she's in Arizona, she's denying her unformed fetus the right to life! This must be stopped right now!

      1. Preferred Customer

        If she's married to a GOPer, "future ex-wife." That jewelry is on loan, sweetheart.

  13. Boojum

    She obviously needs the birth control in order to prevent the birth of Jesus II, the Second Coming.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Poor Monica — you'll find a nice man one day too, dear, to make you a whole woman. Before it shrivels up, I hope.

  15. Chow Yun Flat

    Sandra Fluke is smart, articulate, good looking and about to graduate from a top law school and marry a really rich guy.

    Monica Cowley uses her Columbia Ph.D. to write on twitter.

    Monica is a bitter harpy.

  16. Baconzgood

    Who cares what one of Bob Barker's former show case show model has to say about politics?

  17. MissTaken

    Does @MonicaCrowley know that lesbians don't have penises that ejaculate sperm to fertilize an egg?

    Straightforward question. No answer yet.

  18. BornInATrailer

    Oh, you were just asking a real question?

    Oh, fuck you you fucking dishonest cunt fuck.

  19. SkinnyNerd

    Conservatives have a real hard time figuring out their sexual slurs. We should make a book, "Sexual Terms for Dummies," which would improve their familiarity with these terms.

  20. CommieLibunatic

    WELL AREN'T YOU A CLEVER LADY?

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, these people would cause a stink if it was revealed that someone ate a bagel for breakfast.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    @MonicaCrowley is a cunt?

    No insinuation, straightforward question.

    No answer yet.

    But I think I know.

  22. Ruhe

    Monica Crowley socializes electronically and in real life with people who would find her little quip amusing. Sad.

  23. actor212

    See, I scrolled down this post too quickly. I thought Crowley was the human adverb.

    "She crowley bitched about how lonely it felt, locked away in her home office, typing furiously away to slur a beautiful young lady"

  24. spareme

    "To a man? "Sandra Fluke Announces Engagement"

    Wonder if she used the same brain power when writing her dissertation.

  25. FakaktaSouth

    Wonder what it is about Conservabitches that they think smart automatically equals lesbian? I realize this dumb twat-bearer has no idea what being a intelligent woman looks like, but I don't understand calling the slut pill girl a lesbian at all. I don't even know why that is funny. IF she had been testifying AGAINST birth control then that would be "appropriate," but this is just like saying "Shut up, you're gay" to someone in an asshole fight, right?

    1. Nesnora

      a fistful of my pill candy says Monica was a "lesbian-until-graduation" among the frat buddies she fucked for approval.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        She was just trying to get Shawn, Chuck, Tucker, Bryce, Hunt, Blaine, and "Chugger" to like her!

    2. Warwhatgoodfor

      Just for the sake of argument, let's say Sandra Fluke is a lesbian. Do I care? Uh, hell no!

  26. sbj1964

    What not a Lesbian?Every woman is a six pack away from her first lesbian experience.Let's hope there are pic's.

  27. Chichikovovich

    Monica just has never been able to find a man who could thrill her like the 80-year old Richard Nixon did.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      If you're the kind of person who gets hot when he bombs neutral countries, the erection never really goes away.

    2. vtxmcrider

      She spent all those years with him trying to learn whether "Tricky Dick" had a secret meaning.

  28. friendlyskies

    Saw she retweeted someone who said "Wow, the Left has really been busy spewing vile and misogynistic bile at Conservative women today. But we don't retreat, we reload."

    Ladies, instead of reloading or retreating, I'd rather you read a basic biology text. One that covers more than Genesis. You'll be amazed.

  29. MissTaken

    Oh! I get it! It's a JOKE!

    It's funny because Sandra Fluke is intelligent and has short, brown hair and obviously no hot-blooded man would want that, so she must be a lesbo.

    Ha?

    1. SorosBot

      "intelligent and has short, brown hair .. must be a lesbo"

      Wait, does this mean that you're really a lesbian? Oh no!

  30. LiberalMantra

    Mrs. Crowley, what went on in your head?
    Oh Mrs. Crowley, did you talk with Glenn Beck?
    Your writing style is that of a hack,
    your 'reporting' and all,
    The village needs their idiot back,
    Faux News took the call…

    I wanna know what you meant…

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    Ms. Crowley, won't you ride my white horse?
    Ms. Crowley, it's symbolic of course
    Approaching a time that is classic
    I hear that maiden's call
    Approaching a time that is drastic
    Standing with their backs to the wall

    Was it polemically sent?
    I wanna know what you meant
    I wanna know
    I wanna know what you meant, yeah!

    Thanks Ozzy!!

  32. Antispandex

    ….and Monica Crowley will someday have sex. With a human? Not "insinuating", just asking a question.

  33. imissopus

    All this attention for unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Monica Crowley is making unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Kathryn Jean Lopez jealous.

  34. StealthMuslin

    Wow, now that Ann Coulter is near death (50) it's like "Game of Thrones" among the right-wing bimbettes. "Winter (and nothing else) is coming."

    1. tessiee

      "Ann Coulter is near death (50)"

      Be sure to drive a stake through her heart at a crossroads; we don't want *that* one coming back.

  35. Typodong3

    So she asks straight questions about the sexual pairings of pending weddings as a matter of course? So when the Prince of Wales got married a while back, she asked, "To a woman"?

  36. poorgradstudent

    That…that doesn't even make sense! Jesus, I'm not a self-hating female conservative and even I can think of an alternative:

    "To just one man?!"

    It's not even funny but at least it has a logical relationship to…well, things in reality.

  37. ttommyunger

    I understand Monica brushes her teeth five times a day, but her breath still smells like Nixons's penis.

Comments are closed.