war on engagements

Sandra Fluke Engagement Leads To Even More Hilarious Jokes

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Did you hear that free sex-pill devourer Sandra Fluke is getting engaged? Whatever. But here’s Fox News/Washington Times mistake Monica Crowley making history’s funniest joke, ever. “To a man?” Ha ha ha ha! OH, YOU. (“To a man?”, she tweets.)

No, nevermind — she was apparently asking a Straightforward Question. Duh? Don’t we feel silly!

To answer the question, then: No, Sandra Fluke is not a lesbian. For reference, trying researching the 2012 “Sandra Fluke controversy that dominated the news for weeks,” in which Rush Limbaugh and others catapulted her to fame by calling her a “slut” and “prostitute” who ate free birth control pills like candy because she was constantly having sex with men. Then check out the file of intrepid reporting on Fluke’s boyfriend (now fiance), such as the revelation that her boyfriend’s father is a rich Super Jew who secretly controls Global Finance and the Democratic party, and is also maybe a Marxist, who, again, controls Global Finance.

Glad to help, Monica Crowley!

[Media Matters]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Schmannnity

    I was not aware lesbians needed birth control.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Luckily we have a crack investigative journalist from Fox News to uncover the truth. Do lesbians need birth control? Many are asking…

      • Nostrildamus

        "Do Lesbians Need Birth Control?"
        A five part series starts this week on The Factor!

      • Callyson

        We report, you decide…

      • MissTaken

        Do lesbians need birth control? We Report, You Decide.

      • WhatTheHeck

        a crack investigative journalist…
        investigares wha…?

    • Baconzgood

      In Wing Nut-astan All lesbians take birth control because NOW and NAMBLA forces them to take it then have abortions while driving 65 MPG cars while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags.

      Duuuuh Schmannnity! Where have you been?

      • WunkRocker

        "while the house cats they just married are sitting shotgun plotting to destroy NASCAR and burn flags…"
        Toonces?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo………….!

        • tessiee

          Wouldn't Toonces *drive* in NASCAR?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought that it came with the territory.

    • YasserArraFeck

      pretty much why GOP congresscritters don't need condoms – rentboys can't conceive

  • TheGyrus

    Those homosexuals are always trying to get free birth control.

  • mavenmaven

    Any woman who stands up for her rights instead of just taking what's coming to her is obviously a lesbian.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Thank you for today's Bible Reading!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Monica Crowley, noted Romney advisor, has insulted all women who are engaged to be married.

    #NotFunny also. too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, Crowley's married to her vibrator in the form of Jesus.

      • FakaktaSouth

        It's not Jesus on the Cross is it, because THAT might explain what's up her ass.

    • rickmaci

      You know, I'm detecting just a hint of "why don't men want me" jealousy/envy in the tone of that Tweet.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I'm sure Ann Coulter's given her the eye from time to time

  • OkieDokieDog

    Well with all that man-on-dog sexytime happening somewhere, anything is possible, huh, Monica?

    Who the fuck is Monica Crowley anyway? Some dim-witted FOX commentator? There's so many of them I can't keep up.

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    So who's this Monica Crowley chick, Wikipedia?

    Crowley holds a B.A. in Political Science from Colgate University and a Ph.D. in International Relations from Columbia University (2000). The title of her doctoral dissertation was "Clearer than truth: Determining and preserving grand strategy. The evolution of American policy toward the People's Republic of China under Truman and Nixon."

    Crowley began written correspondence with former President Richard Nixon while attending Columbia which led to the two meeting. She had the opportunity to continue her education at Villanova University but instead accepted a position as a research assistant for Nixon. Nixon promoted her to Foreign Policy Assistant in 1990 because he appreciated her foreign policy opinions. She was an editorial adviser and consultant on his last two books, Seize the Moment (1992) and Beyond Peace (1994). She held the position until Nixon's death in 1994. Crowley used this period to record her conversations and observations about Nixon (she kept a diary), and she published two subsequent books on the former President in his final years: Nixon Off the Record: His Candid Commentary on People (1996) and Nixon in Winter (1998).

    Italics added. You wonder if any of her books tells what it's like to boink the Trickster. "Now, Monica, I want to make one thing perfectly clear…"

    • OkieDokieDog

      Oh… I see. Miss Crowley is not married, thus SHE is the lesbian.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        She used to be on the McLaughlin Report regularly.

        I can understand why no one would marry her, gay or straight.

        Interesting fact: her sister is married to Alan Colmes.

        • Biff

          She is the person that finally drove me away from that show. Can you even imagine someone being an even more terrible person than John Mclaughlin?

          • SorosBot

            He also regularly had Pat Buchanan on so, yes.

    • Not_So_Much

      ew. Sounds jowl-y.

    • Biff

      Also, from Arizona. Natural born wingnut.

    • alzronnie

      Nixon liked to put ketchup on her before diving in.

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        With the fireplace roaring and the window open. Maybe she has cottage cheese thighs….

  • crittersbybritty

    Monica obviously has no idea how these here internets work.

    Hey everyone, go and vote "No" in this cool Orly Taitz poll! I know how much you all like doing civic minded things like that.
    http://www.govote.com/candidates/california/candi

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Hey! I *voted* for OilyTitz in the GOP primary last time – she'd be the PERFECT GOP candidate for any elective office, anywhere in the US!

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Yep, liberals are hateful and have to make personal attacks constantly because they have nothing to say of substance.

    /sighs

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Don't forget "angry". The rabid Comment Octopus that lives on the conservaturd sites always says "angry liberal". Is that coming from Central Programming, or what's the reference?

      • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

        I overlooked it in my amazement that this Monica Crowley lady was able to override her sense of shame and say something that offensively stupid.

        • vtxmcrider

          She can override her sense of shame because it is just a painted line, not some huge speed bump.

    • tessiee

      Also, we hate electricity.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Getting married? That will put an end to her sex life.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Bill Maher says something stupid and demeaning means the end of the world (or at least frenzied pearl clutching).

    Monica Crowley says something stupid and demeaning and no one should be offended she was just asking.

  • chicken_thief

    @MonicaCrowley eats dead babies?

    No insinuation, straightforward question.

    No answer yet.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      She's not going to dignify that with an answer.

      (because she eats them alive, of course.)

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    In her skull? "Monica Crowley Announces Empty Cavity"

    Just a straightforward question.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      In her skull?

      Oh fuck that.

  • MrFizzy

    Proving that anyone with blonde hair and a working cooter can get a PhD in something. Scabrous whore.

    • tessiee

      Are we sure the never married Miss Crowley has a *working* cooter?

  • Schmannnity

    43 and never married Miss Crowley? Meeeeooooow.

    • elviouslyqueer

      What exactly are you insinuating, Schmannity? Hmmmm?

      • Schmannnity

        Jealousy, exactly.

        • Man0nTheStreet

          "That bitch Michele stole my man! Marcus, I'm still here for you!!!!"

    • AnAmericanInTO

      Well, I'm sure she's still practicing abstinence only after all these decades.

      • tessiee

        Perhaps not by choice, but yes.

        • ernestwhile

          FTW!

    • jaytingle

      Monica Crowley's cat is named Gabrielle. Just to move things along, that's a Xena reference.

  • Not_So_Much

    Monica's envy about other women being 'attractive' to men is frankly not helping her cause.

  • elviouslyqueer

    @MonicaCrowley

    STFU you bobble-headed homophobic bimbette.

    #nobodygivesaflyingfuckwhatyouthink

  • LetUsBray

    Hey, is it true Monica Crowley hangs out at the aquarium with Troy McClure? Totally a straightforward question.

    • Biff

      No, she merely smells that way. It's an easy assumption to make.

  • iburl

    That's your choice GOP ladies, A GOP slut-lady or a dykey lesbian. CHOOSE NOW!

  • rickmaci

    Here is a real knee slapper for you.

    Sponsors, can you say Monica Crowley must go!

  • crybabyboehner

    Monica has a point. Ms. Fluke could have been dating a turkey baster.

  • Eve8Apples

    Yes Monica. Sandra is marrying a strapping manly man. A man with an enormous penis that ejaculates sperm like a grenade launcher and brings Sandra to nightly multiple orgasms. Why do you think Ms. Fluke requires all the contraception?

    As for you Monica, I assume you will be spending your nights alone in your apartment with your cat, your box of Kleenex and your vibrator. Perhaps if you would start taking more contraceptives, men would find you sexually desirable.

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      Excellent.

    • Baconzgood

      (golf clap)

    • Boojum

      Here, here!

      (And, yes, I know it's technically "hear, hear", but I really meant here, here, what with the Sandra Fluke orgasms and such).

    • CthuNHu

      No, we wouldn't.

  • SorosBot

    So if a single woman who uses birth control is a slut and a prostitute, what is a married woman who uses it?

    • MissTaken

      A whore and a trollop?

      Just a guess.

      • SorosBot

        Just like Cindy McCain?

    • Callyson

      If she's in Arizona, she's denying her unformed fetus the right to life! This must be stopped right now!

    • Preferred Customer

      Trick Question! The answer is a slut and prostitute.

    • Eve8Apples

      A wise slutty prostitute with great jewelry.

      • Preferred Customer

        If she's married to a GOPer, "future ex-wife." That jewelry is on loan, sweetheart.

    • widestanceromance

      Guilty of preemptive genocide?

    • Nesnora

      a witch?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Megan Calvet Draper?

  • Boojum

    She obviously needs the birth control in order to prevent the birth of Jesus II, the Second Coming.

  • MissTaken

    Now we *finally* know who asked 'how babby formed? how girl get pregnant?'

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And surprisingly, it wasn't a six year old sister or brother to be, but a 44 year old slouching spinster.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Poor Monica — you'll find a nice man one day too, dear, to make you a whole woman. Before it shrivels up, I hope.

  • Callyson

    Don't you wish, Monica…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Sandra Fluke is smart, articulate, good looking and about to graduate from a top law school and marry a really rich guy.

    Monica Cowley uses her Columbia Ph.D. to write on twitter.

    Monica is a bitter harpy.

    • Boojum

      Harpies everywhere rise up in protest.

  • Baconzgood

    Who cares what one of Bob Barker's former show case show model has to say about politics?

    • Biff

      For realz?

    • tessiee

      Pardon my unladylike choice of words, but:
      You have to be fucking shitting me.

  • mrpuma2u

    To a man? No to your sister, you bottle bleach blond ditz bomb.

  • MissTaken

    Does @MonicaCrowley know that lesbians don't have penises that ejaculate sperm to fertilize an egg?

    Straightforward question. No answer yet.

    • Baconzgood

      The closest Monica's been to seeing a penis is when she takes a piss.

  • BornInATrailer

    Oh, you were just asking a real question?

    Oh, fuck you you fucking dishonest cunt fuck.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Conservatives have a real hard time figuring out their sexual slurs. We should make a book, "Sexual Terms for Dummies," which would improve their familiarity with these terms.

  • CommieLibunatic

    WELL AREN'T YOU A CLEVER LADY?

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, these people would cause a stink if it was revealed that someone ate a bagel for breakfast.

    • Baconzgood

      I like you Stewart. You're not like the other people here at the trailer park.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Oh man, multiple upfists for the Stewart reference.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    @MonicaCrowley is a cunt?

    No insinuation, straightforward question.

    No answer yet.

    But I think I know.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Wow, Crowley is giving the cheap, easy joke a bad name.
    We're doomed.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, cheap and easy are her specialties!

      No insinuation, straightforward statement.

    • Baconzgood

      That's ok. They have thier echo chamber and we have ours.

  • Ruhe

    Monica Crowley socializes electronically and in real life with people who would find her little quip amusing. Sad.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    So she landed a nice Jewish boy from a good family?

    #mazeltov

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Mazel Tov? Sounds ethnic.

      • Preferred Customer

        Isn't that what the Reds use to burn down factories? Mazel Tov Cocktails?

        • PubOption

          More like Mossad.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    See, I scrolled down this post too quickly. I thought Crowley was the human adverb.

    "She crowley bitched about how lonely it felt, locked away in her home office, typing furiously away to slur a beautiful young lady"

  • spareme

    "To a man? "Sandra Fluke Announces Engagement"

    Wonder if she used the same brain power when writing her dissertation.

    • Preferred Customer

      Word order? I don't know it.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Wonder what it is about Conservabitches that they think smart automatically equals lesbian? I realize this dumb twat-bearer has no idea what being a intelligent woman looks like, but I don't understand calling the slut pill girl a lesbian at all. I don't even know why that is funny. IF she had been testifying AGAINST birth control then that would be "appropriate," but this is just like saying "Shut up, you're gay" to someone in an asshole fight, right?

    • Nesnora

      a fistful of my pill candy says Monica was a "lesbian-until-graduation" among the frat buddies she fucked for approval.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        She was just trying to get Shawn, Chuck, Tucker, Bryce, Hunt, Blaine, and "Chugger" to like her!

        • tessiee

          Those names! I'm upfisting and cringing at the same time!

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Just for the sake of argument, let's say Sandra Fluke is a lesbian. Do I care? Uh, hell no!

  • sbj1964

    What not a Lesbian?Every woman is a six pack away from her first lesbian experience.Let's hope there are pic's.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Now, if it had been Elena Kagan, that would have been comedic gold.

  • Chichikovovich

    Monica just has never been able to find a man who could thrill her like the 80-year old Richard Nixon did.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      If you're the kind of person who gets hot when he bombs neutral countries, the erection never really goes away.

    • vtxmcrider

      She spent all those years with him trying to learn whether "Tricky Dick" had a secret meaning.

      • tessiee

        Whereas he was just trying to get it down Pat.

  • friendlyskies

    Saw she retweeted someone who said "Wow, the Left has really been busy spewing vile and misogynistic bile at Conservative women today. But we don't retreat, we reload."

    Ladies, instead of reloading or retreating, I'd rather you read a basic biology text. One that covers more than Genesis. You'll be amazed.

  • MissTaken

    Oh! I get it! It's a JOKE!

    It's funny because Sandra Fluke is intelligent and has short, brown hair and obviously no hot-blooded man would want that, so she must be a lesbo.

    Ha?

    • SorosBot

      "intelligent and has short, brown hair .. must be a lesbo"

      Wait, does this mean that you're really a lesbian? Oh no!

      • MissTaken

        Oh no? I think you really mean 'Oh Yes!'

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      What hot blooded man would want that? Both hands up,, waving wildly – "Me! Me!"

  • LiberalMantra

    Mrs. Crowley, what went on in your head?
    Oh Mrs. Crowley, did you talk with Glenn Beck?
    Your writing style is that of a hack,
    your 'reporting' and all,
    The village needs their idiot back,
    Faux News took the call…

    I wanna know what you meant…

    • mavenmaven

      Music is not the same without Randy Rhodes :(

      • LiberalMantra

        Next thing you know, she will be biting the heads off blahs.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Yes Monica, to a man, just like Lindsey Graham.

  • arihaya

    Sandra Fluke is engaged?

    what a sad and depressing story !

  • Baconzgood

    Face it Monica, Sandra likes you but she doesn't LIKE like you. Move on.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ms. Crowley, won't you ride my white horse?
    Ms. Crowley, it's symbolic of course
    Approaching a time that is classic
    I hear that maiden's call
    Approaching a time that is drastic
    Standing with their backs to the wall

    Was it polemically sent?
    I wanna know what you meant
    I wanna know
    I wanna know what you meant, yeah!

    Thanks Ozzy!!

  • widestanceromance

    'Tweets on a Scandal' anyone?

  • Antispandex

    ….and Monica Crowley will someday have sex. With a human? Not "insinuating", just asking a question.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    All this attention for unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Monica Crowley is making unmarried fortysomething wingnut spinster Kathryn Jean Lopez jealous.

  • HippieEsq

    To her job? "Monica Crowley announces engagement"

  • Boojum

    Is Monica Crowley dating Larry Fishelson? Straightforward question.

    Here are Monica and Larry, showing off their closeness.
    http://www.dynalinktel.com/photo-gallery.html

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Remember, no cheap jokes about Mr. Fishelson.

  • ElPinche

    C….C….cu…….c.c.cc..cc…cun…. NO!
    I'm trying real hard guys!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I must have missed something. When did Monica Crowley move to Us Weekly?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Mumbly_Joe

    Who writes Monical Crowley's tweets for her?

    I'm not implying that Crowley is subliterate, I'm just asking a straightfowrward question.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    the 44 year old bitter blogger

  • StealthMuslin

    Wow, now that Ann Coulter is near death (50) it's like "Game of Thrones" among the right-wing bimbettes. "Winter (and nothing else) is coming."

    • tessiee

      "Ann Coulter is near death (50)"

      Be sure to drive a stake through her heart at a crossroads; we don't want *that* one coming back.

  • Typodong3

    So she asks straight questions about the sexual pairings of pending weddings as a matter of course? So when the Prince of Wales got married a while back, she asked, "To a woman"?

  • poorgradstudent

    That…that doesn't even make sense! Jesus, I'm not a self-hating female conservative and even I can think of an alternative:

    "To just one man?!"

    It's not even funny but at least it has a logical relationship to…well, things in reality.

  • owhatever

    Monica is saving herself for Anne Coulter.

  • e_z

    Monica dearie, you spot it, you got it.

  • Barrelhse

    I think it's nice that she's getting married. Then her children won't be just a Fluke.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    "Insinuating" nothing. Straightforward question. No answer yet.

    Keep waiting, honey.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Fluke's response: "Monica who?"

  • proudgrampa

    Pathetic. Really. Pathetic.

  • ElPinche

    Didn't she learn anything from the Tupac hologram?

  • tessiee

    Vapid whore is vapid.

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    No, she's getting engaged to a maypole and she plans on dancing around it to ensure good harvests.

  • ttommyunger

    I understand Monica brushes her teeth five times a day, but her breath still smells like Nixons's penis.