republican bedtime stories

The EPA Is Full of Barbarians and Energy Corporations Are Now Jesus

But calling Ben Bernanke treasonous...

The bloodsucking pagan hippiecrats of the Environmental Protection Agency are attacking Rick Perry’s Jesus! Or is Rick Perry just high on a wheelbarrow full of drugs again? Sure. He is also upset about the Internet’s number one or two worst thing ever of today, a fuzzy two-year-old video unearthed by Jim Inhofe of EPA administrator Al Armendariz explaining to an audience that his “philosophy of enforcement” towards law-breaking energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d crucify them. Then that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.” It is a rather silly comparison, mostly because villagers are historically known for being defenseless. It’s also a somewhat outsize view of the EPA’s notoriously crappy enforcement prowess, right Jim Inhofe?

No, this video from 2010 that Jim Inhofe found after hate-fapping his way through two years’ worth of EPA back archives is a declaration of total war, and Jim Inhofe will now resolutely demand that the EPA be investigated and burned to the ground shortly thereafter.

Here he is, Stalin times ten, declaring war on the impoverished and oppressed energy companies:

Related video

Armendariz has already apologized for his erstwhile hubris and NRO got to run the fun headline “EPA Expands Its Mission to Crucifixion,” the end. [The Hill]

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Hola wonkerados.

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97 comments

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Could be worse, could be stabbed.
        At least it gets you out in the open air, which is a lot cleaner now, thanks to you-know-who..

    1. Not_So_Much

      No, freedom actually.
      What?
      Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
      Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.

  1. Callyson

    Al Armendariz explaining to an audience that his “philosophy of enforcement” towards energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d crucify them. Then that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.”

    Can we get this guy to give Obama advice on how to deal with the Republicans in Congress?

    1. DemmeFatale

      I heard somewhere that the word "decimate" comes from Roman practice of randomly killing off 10 soldiers to instill fear.
      This is kind of the atmosphere I was hoping for when Rahm was around.

      1. doloras

        Actually "dividing a misbehaving unit into groups of 10, make them draw straws, and the one who got the short straw was beaten to death by the other 9", but you get the general gist.

  2. Fare la Volpe

    Making US Americans actually comply with US law?

    Truly he is history's greatest monster.

    1. tejanojim

      Did you notice that Perry wants to "all but eliminate" the EPA. Hmm. On the one hand, although corrupt and ineffective, the EPA is tasked with protecting clean water, air, and soil for all Americans. On the other hand, one of their employees said something semi-offensive two years ago. Priorities!

  3. UnholyMoses

    I am totally in favor of the EPA crucifying a few BP executives, particularly the ones in charge of the Deepwater Horizon platform.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Armendariz should have apologized by saying, "Oh, pardon me. That was truly an inappropriate and unfortunate word choice. What I meant to say was 'guillotine,' not 'crucify'."

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Man, there are so many Life of Brian quotes that would fit here; target rich environment for sure.

  5. Callyson

    Also, speaking of the environment, somewhat OT alert:

    Donald Trump's appearance sparks near-riot outside Scottish parliament
    After giving evidence before Holyrood committee on windfarms, US tycoon is met by competing crowds of protesters

    This is perhaps Trump's boldest intervention into Scottish politics. He has insisted he will spend as much as is needed to defeat a "monstrous" windfarm just "one mile" offshore from his golf course north of Aberdeen and in direct sight of his planned hotel, taking legal action to block it if necessary.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/apr/25/donal

    Come on, Scotland, let the farming begin!

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Unfortunately, in real life, "slap on the wrist" is a much more apt simile than "crucifixion" for EPA's enforcement actions.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Incontinentia Buttocks
        Screw this I'm going to watch some Python. My kids are out of school tomorrow for the weather day we never used (Tuscaloosa tornado of death 1 year anniversary also) because the GD EPA has NOT in fact crucified anybody. I'm starting the weekend now.

  7. Antispandex

    ,,,but it would work, right? I mean if the EPA weren't a paper tiger? (Crap, paper tiger. A Chairman Mao reference…think anyone will notice?) Anyway, I'm sure the Teapublicans will take the high road and renounce this sort of hyperbole….well you know, Armendariz's, not Perry's. That's only fair.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        See Item #3, in which a small US aircraft manufacturer, recently acquired by a Chinese parent corporation, advertised its new small jet as "A Great Leap Forward."

  8. SorosBot

    The barbarians and pirates the Romans used to crucify were a hell of a lot less dangerous and more reasonable that today's energy companies.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    @GovernorPerry

    Is it true u nicknamed yr buttplug "Blowout Preventer"? RT @AustinRentBoyz

    #tinydick #powerbottom

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Damnit. Who's going to complete the douchebag started by Andrew Breitbart and Thomas Kinkade?

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Oh yeah. I forgot about Colson, I guess that he counts but I was hoping for someone younger, like Glenn Beck.

    1. SorosBot

      If Jesus was from the 20th Century, I guess the Christians would worship an electric chair.

  10. fuflans

    pearl clutching from the party of water boarding, extraordinary rendition and Guantanamo Bay is just a little rich.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Offensive?! Rick knows that the Romans used to do things like that, right? And that Jesus doesn't have a trademark on it or anything. Although Mr. Armendariz could've been a little more tactful and said his philosophy of enforcement was more like what Christians do when they're converting a town — you know, they roll into a little Turkish town, then the first five little boys the see, they make 'em altarboys, and then things are pretty quiet for about twenty years until one of 'em says to another, 'Yeah, Father Perry touched me there too, and then said I'd go to hell if I told anyone.'"

  12. actor212

    I thought Republicans were all over "enforcing laws against law breakers".

    I mean, it's not like Armendariz said "Well, like the Romans, we see something, we take it, and crucify a few folks along the way." I mean, he's not Republican!

  13. BerkeleyBear

    What the fuck is wrong with the GOP? Crucifying was a standard practice for hundreds of years before and after Jesus, the term (and the use in question) has nothing to do with Christianity itself. This is just absurd. Especially any umbrage from the Gov. who uses killing people as his biggest applause line.

    1. SorosBot

      No, Jesus' execution was special and unique! Just ignore the thousands of other foreign subjects and slaves executed by crucifixion over more than a thousand years by the Romans, along with the many other ancient cultures that used it as well.

  14. JackObin

    I have an idea. How about making Texas a padded cell, where all the idiots who believe in fairy tales can be thrown?

  15. OneYieldRegular

    You know that a brilliant thinker like Rick Perry deserves to be running the country when he decides that a regional administrator's use of a historically accurate but perhaps slightly inept metaphor warrants dismantling an entire cabinet department.

  16. sbj1964

    The EPA is a joke. The GOP has made them a paper tiger.I suggest investing in Sunblock for the savvy 21st century investor.The 1%'ers will be in domed cities with Jesus.

  17. Chichikovovich

    “philosophy of enforcement” towards law-breaking energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d give them 100 aureus coins each, and lifetime freedom from taxation. They would choose the man in their company best able to project a servile air, and he would apologize to them for all offences, past, present or future, real or imagined. Then Cato the Younger's extensive gossip network would instead rage about the food inspectors or the Goths crossing the Rubicon for awhile."

  18. MarionNYNY

    Oh Jeebus — He knows it's "crude" and "inappropriate" and then he goes there. This is the kind of "I'm too special to fail" hubris that made Weiner's weiner go viral.

  19. Man0nTheStreet

    After a Divinely-Ordained Christian Leader takes over this Godless Pagan Babylonian-Whore of Government, can we burn down the Library of Congress?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Absolutely – if it's in the Bible it's unnecessary, and if it's not in the Bible it's heresy.

  20. Poindexter718

    Where to start? Rick Perry freaking loves to execute people and he frequently cites its alleged deterrent effects. But execute an energy company to deter others from misbehaving? Now that's beyond the pale. I guess Rick has adopted his erstwhile opponent's view: "Corporations are people, amigo. People as people? not so much…"

  21. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Whatsoever you seek compensatory damages on, from the least of my subsidiaries, that you seek compensatory damages unto Me.

  22. Mumbly_Joe

    Remember, executing innocent people to intimidate the rest is only funny if it's non-metaphorical. And, more importantly, if you're a Republican.

  23. Guppy

    Of course Rick Perry's outraged, the metaphor is all wrong! Everyone knows it's the Jews that did the crucifying!

  24. MissTaken

    To ensure I get the details correct when I tell the greatest story ever told to the Sunday school class, is the EPA Pontius Pilate or the Jews?

  25. PuglyDoRight

    Right, because NO ONE has ever been crucified by Roman officials except for Jesus. Didn't Rick Perry ever watch "Spartacus?"

    1. SorosBot

      And unlike Jesus, there is enough documentation to be sure that Spartacus and his army actually existed.

  26. valthemus

    You'd think Ricky would be all angry at Jesus for telling him to run for president (without mentioning that he was doomed to fail and would end up looking like an ass).

  27. rickmaci

    Given the fact that Texas loves to execute people like the Romans loved to execute people, probably an environmentally sound concept. If you think about it, crucifixion does involve a smaller carbon footprint than the electric chair. And no toxic chemicals to leech out of corpses.

  28. smitallica

    NO conservative would EVER use sacred crucifixion imagery in a political speech. Especially not famous creationist William Jennings Bryan in his "Cross of Gold" speech about the weighty theological issue of whether U.S. currency policy should adopt the gold standard. Blasphemy!!!

  29. TheMightyHaltor

    What Armendariz said was ridiculous. The Turks were nowhere near the Mediterranean in Roman times.

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