REPUBLICAN BEDTIME STORIES  4:36 pm April 26, 2012

The EPA Is Full of Barbarians and Energy Corporations Are Now Jesus

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

But calling Ben Bernanke treasonous...

The bloodsucking pagan hippiecrats of the Environmental Protection Agency are attacking Rick Perry’s Jesus! Or is Rick Perry just high on a wheelbarrow full of drugs again? Sure. He is also upset about the Internet’s number one or two worst thing ever of today, a fuzzy two-year-old video unearthed by Jim Inhofe of EPA administrator Al Armendariz explaining to an audience that his “philosophy of enforcement” towards law-breaking energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d crucify them. Then that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.” It is a rather silly comparison, mostly because villagers are historically known for being defenseless. It’s also a somewhat outsize view of the EPA’s notoriously crappy enforcement prowess, right Jim Inhofe?

No, this video from 2010 that Jim Inhofe found after hate-fapping his way through two years’ worth of EPA back archives is a declaration of total war, and Jim Inhofe will now resolutely demand that the EPA be investigated and burned to the ground shortly thereafter.

Here he is, Stalin times ten, declaring war on the impoverished and oppressed energy companies:

Armendariz has already apologized for his erstwhile hubris and NRO got to run the fun headline “EPA Expands Its Mission to Crucifixion,” the end. [The Hill]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 97 comments }

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Crucifixion?
Yes.
One cross each, line forms to the left.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

It's not so bad.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

It stretches my spine!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And the crosses can be recycled!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Could be worse, could be stabbed.
At least it gets you out in the open air, which is a lot cleaner now, thanks to you-know-who..

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 6:23 pm

No, freedom actually.
What?
Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Al Armendariz explaining to an audience that his “philosophy of enforcement” towards energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d crucify them. Then that town was really easy to manage for the next few years.”

Can we get this guy to give Obama advice on how to deal with the Republicans in Congress?

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

right? it's actually it'a pretty effective strategy and taught in many a business school.

BerkeleyBear April 26, 2012 at 5:01 pm

As well as most prison movies.

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I heard somewhere that the word "decimate" comes from Roman practice of randomly killing off 10 soldiers to instill fear.
This is kind of the atmosphere I was hoping for when Rahm was around.

doloras April 26, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Actually "dividing a misbehaving unit into groups of 10, make them draw straws, and the one who got the short straw was beaten to death by the other 9", but you get the general gist.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Yeah, it was 10% of the soldiers; not just 10.

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Damn! That's a lot of soldiers!

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Brutal.

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Making US Americans actually comply with US law?

Truly he is history's greatest monster.

tejanojim April 26, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Did you notice that Perry wants to "all but eliminate" the EPA. Hmm. On the one hand, although corrupt and ineffective, the EPA is tasked with protecting clean water, air, and soil for all Americans. On the other hand, one of their employees said something semi-offensive two years ago. Priorities!

UnholyMoses April 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I am totally in favor of the EPA crucifying a few BP executives, particularly the ones in charge of the Deepwater Horizon platform.

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Armendariz should have apologized by saying, "Oh, pardon me. That was truly an inappropriate and unfortunate word choice. What I meant to say was 'guillotine,' not 'crucify'."

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Man, there are so many Life of Brian quotes that would fit here; target rich environment for sure.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Also, speaking of the environment, somewhat OT alert:

Donald Trump's appearance sparks near-riot outside Scottish parliament
After giving evidence before Holyrood committee on windfarms, US tycoon is met by competing crowds of protesters

This is perhaps Trump's boldest intervention into Scottish politics. He has insisted he will spend as much as is needed to defeat a "monstrous" windfarm just "one mile" offshore from his golf course north of Aberdeen and in direct sight of his planned hotel, taking legal action to block it if necessary.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/apr/25/donal

Come on, Scotland, let the farming begin!

Designer_Rants April 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

He hates wind. Have you seen his hair?

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Spot on.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Damn Holyrood liberals….

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

He's like a good-will ambassador!!

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Two years old? It was pretty clear that Rick Perry is kind of "slow".

american__mutt April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:31 pm
MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 5:50 pm

That's terrible. Those bunny paws don't have a single nail through them.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Unfortunately, in real life, "slap on the wrist" is a much more apt simile than "crucifixion" for EPA's enforcement actions.

mormos April 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

here, look at this adorable puppy while i rape you

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Today, we are all Perrycus

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I'd rather cuss Perry.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Did Perry really tweet that? All words are spelled correctly, is why I ask.

Lucidamente1 April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I imagine Rick Perry is hoping to meet Biggus Dickus.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

He has a wife, you know…

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Like that means anything to a Republican. That's like saying he has an appendix.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Incontinentia Buttocks
Screw this I'm going to watch some Python. My kids are out of school tomorrow for the weather day we never used (Tuscaloosa tornado of death 1 year anniversary also) because the GD EPA has NOT in fact crucified anybody. I'm starting the weekend now.

Antispandex April 26, 2012 at 4:46 pm

,,,but it would work, right? I mean if the EPA weren't a paper tiger? (Crap, paper tiger. A Chairman Mao reference…think anyone will notice?) Anyway, I'm sure the Teapublicans will take the high road and renounce this sort of hyperbole….well you know, Armendariz's, not Perry's. That's only fair.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

,,,but it would work, right?

It would be a Great Leap Forward, fershur.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm

See Item #3, in which a small US aircraft manufacturer, recently acquired by a Chinese parent corporation, advertised its new small jet as "A Great Leap Forward."

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

when in rome…

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

The barbarians and pirates the Romans used to crucify were a hell of a lot less dangerous and more reasonable that today's energy companies.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

And the pirates used wind power.

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm

@GovernorPerry

Is it true u nicknamed yr buttplug "Blowout Preventer"? RT @AustinRentBoyz

#tinydick #powerbottom

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

OT:

Wow, the formative rock trifecta is now complete: Dick Clark, Levon Helm and now Pete Fornatale

Him, I'm really going miss…

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Damnit. Who's going to complete the douchebag started by Andrew Breitbart and Thomas Kinkade?

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I think that was Chuck Colson this past weekend.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Oh yeah. I forgot about Colson, I guess that he counts but I was hoping for someone younger, like Glenn Beck.

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

is EPA the third one that perry forgot?

i can't remember.

Radiotherapy April 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I thought they worshiped crosses.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If Jesus was from the 20th Century, I guess the Christians would worship an electric chair.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Undoubtedly a Texas electric chair with a death warrant signed by Gov. Perry.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I hear Mel Gibson is starting filming on The Passion of the Chevron.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Always remember to look on the bright side of wealth.

Boojum April 26, 2012 at 6:56 pm

That would be all of them, Katie?

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm

pearl clutching from the party of water boarding, extraordinary rendition and Guantanamo Bay is just a little rich.

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Offensive?! Rick knows that the Romans used to do things like that, right? And that Jesus doesn't have a trademark on it or anything. Although Mr. Armendariz could've been a little more tactful and said his philosophy of enforcement was more like what Christians do when they're converting a town — you know, they roll into a little Turkish town, then the first five little boys the see, they make 'em altarboys, and then things are pretty quiet for about twenty years until one of 'em says to another, 'Yeah, Father Perry touched me there too, and then said I'd go to hell if I told anyone.'"

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I thought Republicans were all over "enforcing laws against law breakers".

I mean, it's not like Armendariz said "Well, like the Romans, we see something, we take it, and crucify a few folks along the way." I mean, he's not Republican!

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Only if they're blah and/or can't afford a legal team.

BerkeleyBear April 26, 2012 at 5:04 pm

What the fuck is wrong with the GOP? Crucifying was a standard practice for hundreds of years before and after Jesus, the term (and the use in question) has nothing to do with Christianity itself. This is just absurd. Especially any umbrage from the Gov. who uses killing people as his biggest applause line.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm

No, Jesus' execution was special and unique! Just ignore the thousands of other foreign subjects and slaves executed by crucifixion over more than a thousand years by the Romans, along with the many other ancient cultures that used it as well.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm

…because all them other folks weren't Christians, and Jesus wuz…

JackObin April 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I have an idea. How about making Texas a padded cell, where all the idiots who believe in fairy tales can be thrown?

Radiotherapy April 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 5:07 pm

You know that a brilliant thinker like Rick Perry deserves to be running the country when he decides that a regional administrator's use of a historically accurate but perhaps slightly inept metaphor warrants dismantling an entire cabinet department.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 5:12 pm

In fairness, he did forget about it during the debate.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 5:25 pm

That proves Perry's a Decider!

sbj1964 April 26, 2012 at 5:08 pm

The EPA is a joke. The GOP has made them a paper tiger.I suggest investing in Sunblock for the savvy 21st century investor.The 1%'ers will be in domed cities with Jesus.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm

“philosophy of enforcement” towards law-breaking energy companies is “kind of like how the Romans used to conquer little villages in the Mediterranean: they’d go into little Turkish towns somewhere, they’d find the first five guys they’d run into, and they’d give them 100 aureus coins each, and lifetime freedom from taxation. They would choose the man in their company best able to project a servile air, and he would apologize to them for all offences, past, present or future, real or imagined. Then Cato the Younger's extensive gossip network would instead rage about the food inspectors or the Goths crossing the Rubicon for awhile."

AlterNewt April 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Cato the Younger. The Henry Adams of the Empire.

MarionNYNY April 26, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Oh Jeebus — He knows it's "crude" and "inappropriate" and then he goes there. This is the kind of "I'm too special to fail" hubris that made Weiner's weiner go viral.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 5:14 pm

After a Divinely-Ordained Christian Leader takes over this Godless Pagan Babylonian-Whore of Government, can we burn down the Library of Congress?

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Absolutely – if it's in the Bible it's unnecessary, and if it's not in the Bible it's heresy.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Might as well…they'll be too much stupid to sop up by then.

Poindexter718 April 26, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Where to start? Rick Perry freaking loves to execute people and he frequently cites its alleged deterrent effects. But execute an energy company to deter others from misbehaving? Now that's beyond the pale. I guess Rick has adopted his erstwhile opponent's view: "Corporations are people, amigo. People as people? not so much…"

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Whatsoever you seek compensatory damages on, from the least of my subsidiaries, that you seek compensatory damages unto Me.

Mumbly_Joe April 26, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Remember, executing innocent people to intimidate the rest is only funny if it's non-metaphorical. And, more importantly, if you're a Republican.

Terry April 26, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Fundies are really humorless rat bastards.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I refuse to believe that corporations are people until the EPA crucifies one.

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Of course Rick Perry's outraged, the metaphor is all wrong! Everyone knows it's the Jews that did the crucifying!

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

To ensure I get the details correct when I tell the greatest story ever told to the Sunday school class, is the EPA Pontius Pilate or the Jews?

PuglyDoRight April 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Right, because NO ONE has ever been crucified by Roman officials except for Jesus. Didn't Rick Perry ever watch "Spartacus?"

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 5:56 pm

And unlike Jesus, there is enough documentation to be sure that Spartacus and his army actually existed.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Perry only watches it for Kirk Douglas' glistening muscles, not the plot…

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm

We should ask John McCain. He does have first-hand knowledge after all.

valthemus April 26, 2012 at 7:21 pm

You'd think Ricky would be all angry at Jesus for telling him to run for president (without mentioning that he was doomed to fail and would end up looking like an ass).

rickmaci April 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Given the fact that Texas loves to execute people like the Romans loved to execute people, probably an environmentally sound concept. If you think about it, crucifixion does involve a smaller carbon footprint than the electric chair. And no toxic chemicals to leech out of corpses.

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 8:12 pm

What?

MissNancyPriss April 26, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Mad Cow.

smitallica April 26, 2012 at 8:22 pm

NO conservative would EVER use sacred crucifixion imagery in a political speech. Especially not famous creationist William Jennings Bryan in his "Cross of Gold" speech about the weighty theological issue of whether U.S. currency policy should adopt the gold standard. Blasphemy!!!

JoeHoya April 26, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I guess Rick Perry really would have hated William Jennings Bryan.

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

What part of Texass was he from?

TheMightyHaltor April 26, 2012 at 11:32 pm

What Armendariz said was ridiculous. The Turks were nowhere near the Mediterranean in Roman times.

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm

No plastic turkee.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:38 am

Inhofe AND Perry? IDIOCY OVERLOAD!!!

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Figuring out who's the dumbest idiot in that room would cause Big Blue to overheat…

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I used to read a lot if crucifiction, but now I mostly read crucinonfiction…

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