UNGRATEFUL DEAD  5:45 pm April 26, 2012

Egypt Bringing New Meaning To Term ‘Cold Fish’ (UPDATED!)

by Erik Jay

NewtThe mysterious land of Egypt has always been known for three things: Pyramids, the Sphinx and sex with dead people. Now husbands who have been married for years with the same wife may be able to enjoy a continuing fruitful sex life post mortem (but, sadly, the ‘screw by’ date expires six hours after death). The law — which may in fact just be a smear campaign — could help bridge the gap between Egyptian laws and men’s rights: Egyptian men have been oppressed long enough by having to marry adults and watching women get educated so they can work. Enough is enough.

This proposed law allowing men to bid a fond farewell to the corpses of their wives, with their penises, is one of a set brought to you by your friends over at the Islamist-dominated parliament nestled in beautiful downtown Cairo. And men are not the only ones who benefit. Ladies get to enjoy the freedom of marriage as young as 14 with no worry of ever having to better themselves. Who needs school and work when you have a guy at home salivating over the thought of fornicating with your dead body? Oh…and ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands! Good luck!

Egypt’s National Council for Women (hippie Egyptian Democrats) are already trying to ruin the party by speaking out against the potential new law. They think it is ‘marginalising and undermining the status of women and would negatively affect the country’s human development.’ Naturally the liberal media jumped on the bandwagon and sent anchor Jaber al-Qarmouty to use fear tactics in order to stop the nuptial necro two-step.

“This is very serious. Could the panel that will draft the Egyptian constitution possibly discuss such issues? Did Abdul Samea see by his own eyes the text of the message sent by Talawi to Katatni? This is unbelievable. It is a catastrophe to give the husband such a right! Has the Islamic trend reached that far? Is there really a draft law in this regard? Are there people thinking in this manner?”

Obviously Jaber al-Qarmouty is gay, and should be ignored, if he doesn’t understand the lure of dead pussy. He most likely has never been married and doesn’t grok the close parallel between dead sex and sex with the dead.

Dead spouses were asked about the new law, but all of them remained tight-lipped.

UPDATE: The whole thing may be a giant smear campaign against the Islamists! And even if it is in fact a proposal, it is most definitely not likely to ever actually become law. We will have to look to Oklahoma to make these dreams come true. [Daily Mail]

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OzoneTom April 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Those dead spouses aren't going to remain tight-lipped for long.

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I don't know, but I been told…

TeaNuts April 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Gives new meaning to "stopping by for a cold one" eh?

philpjfry April 26, 2012 at 5:54 pm

For some, it could be the best sex of their lives. And no need for small talk afterwards. A win-win

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Yeah…but if she asks for a cuddle afterward, you're fucked.

CountryClubJihadi April 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm

That shit is not Halal.
What kind of lube is used for rigor mortis? Penzoil?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Hence the six-hour window of opportunity.

Come here a minute April 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I would expect them to be flaccid-lipped, but I've never given it a try.

JackObin April 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Does the nagging come with it?

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:18 pm

The funeral homes provide a service where you can record your spouse's voice prior to her death.

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 6:40 pm

"That's it? Let's cuddle! Talk to me! What are you feeling?" and on and on.

johnnymeatworth April 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

"Ethyl Ethyl let me squeeze you in my arms
Ethyl Ethyl come and freeze me with your charms."
–Noted theologian Alice Cooper

sbj1964 April 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

They still want to f@ck you after your dead?Sounds like the IRS.

nanooknw April 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Sounds like the GOP.

AlterNewt April 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Legislative priorities. Sounds familiar.

LastGasp April 26, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Dead men tell no tales — and they don't complain about how terrible the sex was afterwards. Hmm, this doesn't sound so bad…

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands!

"Honey, he was dead in the sack long before he drew his last breath…"

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Yeah…but at least for once in his life, he'll be stiff.

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Especially if he's, ahem, hung: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_erection

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Death Erection sounds like the name of a punk band.

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

apparently this is not safe for work day at wonkette.

littlebigdaddy April 26, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Your move, Oklahoma!

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 6:02 pm

So in Egypt Newt could start having sex with Callista again?

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm


fuflans April 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

still, no one's talking about skull-fucking.

rickmaci April 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Could be really f*d up if the guy doesn't time the Viagra just right. Would be a bitch sitting around with a 4 hour woodie waiting for the old lady to kick off.

edgydrifter April 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm

How horny and insane do you have to be to make this your legislative priority? "Man, I'm so beside myself with grief here, but wow–I sure would like to break myself off one last slice of that sweet cold ass. Pry open the coffin, boys, I'm not done with her yet! What do you mean it's against the law? Fuck! We'll just see about that. Now go fetch me my law-writin' quill."

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Nonjugal visits.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm

To be fair, Egypt does have a long history of sex with dead people, going all the way back to when Isis got herself knocked up with Horus after reassembling and then fucking her dead husband Osiris' body.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 7:39 pm

It's that Olde Tyme Religion!

CommieLibunatic April 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I… uh…

At the very least, it momentarily makes the US look a bit less crazy.

Numbat_Dundee April 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Come to Mummy!

WhatTheHeck April 26, 2012 at 6:11 pm

All the bazaar men by the Nile say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Fuck like an Egyptian

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered hoo-ha lies, whose pubes,
And landing strip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Monica Crowley, bitch of bitches:
Fuck my cold cooter, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The plain of long-dead pussy stretches far away.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Well played, Percy Bysshe Wookie.

SpiderCrab April 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Pedophile priests
transvaginal probes
segregation of menstruating women
and now this.
The Abrahamic perversions have surely reached their apogee,
or have they?

doloras April 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Yup, damned desert-dwelling Semites with their backwards no-vowel-name God. We should go back to worshipping old-fashioned white gods like Zeus or Thor who never inspired their followers to do evil things.

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I suppose we'll start seeing people dig up mummies again, this time for the ….

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm

"I came for the antiquities…but I stayed for the hot sex!

Warwhatgoodfor April 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm

So let's say she dies and she's only thirteen. Is it halal to quick freeze her until she turns fourteen, then thaw her out for the long goodbye? You know, just in case.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm

I can only imagine the NOVA – Secrets of Egypt special will be like in 2050.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 7:37 pm

It'll be on Skinemax!

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 6:25 pm

From a woman.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Ladies? Does your confidence suffer for those times when you don't "feel fresh"? Try Summer's Eve: For Corpses!

Wilcoxyz April 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Summer's Grieve

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Well done. Well done, indeed.

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I'm not as familiar with the Islamic rules on such things, but I seem to recall Jehovah telling Moses that any sort of contact with the dead makes one "unclean," up there with being on the rag.

Do they read their sacred text as well as a Texan does?

Wilcoxyz April 26, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Is there some middle ground solution, like the husband just being allowed to cum on her? While he huffs "Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!"

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Topic for the next readers' poll: is this story fappable or non-fappable?

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Give me 4000 years to think it over…

StealthMuslin April 26, 2012 at 6:33 pm

King tut, tut, tut…

owhatever April 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Mitt remains strangely silent on this, but looked strangely at Ann, while the Pope has told a cardinal to study the situation and report back within in the next century.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Rick Santorum already disapproves … but only because it's not intended to result in a pregnancy. (Except in Oklahoma, where a stray not-yet-dead egg might lead to manslaughter.)

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I don't currently have enough throw-up to read this entire story.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Wait. Did Egypt already have a law specifically prohibiting boinking your freshly expired spouse?

Combined with this new proposal, I think they are really overthinking this whole thing. Guys, get a hobby, or something.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm

C'mon man, be fair. Fucking corpses IS their hobby.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 7:35 pm

So *that's* where mummy babies come from!

doloras April 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm

*rolls eyes* Of course, it's got to be true if it's written in the Daily Mail.

There should be a law against Wonkette stories being based on nonsense from the English newspaper which makes Fox News look like wimpy Muslim communists.

sewollef April 27, 2012 at 8:36 am


The Daily Mail…. the ordinary man's fascist rag.

MRjonz April 26, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Ha Ha; oh those wacky Muslims. Too bad the story is a one source item from Al Ahram newspaper written by Amr Abdul Samea, a long time Mubarak crony who just might maybe possibly perhaps have an ulterior motive when reporting on the post-Mubarak parliament. But it seems even Liberals are prepared to believe the worst about Muslims when women are concerned.

Looks like we give just ceded the high ground to that fun couple Pam Geller and Frank Gaffney.

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm


valthemus April 26, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Why women the world over don't worship Lorena Bobbit as some kind of goddess is a mystery to me.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm

In response, Evil Angel has ordered a rewrite of the Weekend @ Bernie's parody porn.

Sir_Fartz_Alot April 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm

the only way to go http://youtu.be/MLctf4o6feQ

pinkocommi April 27, 2012 at 1:26 am

No wonder some Egyptian women voluntarily wear burkas. I mean, if the guys are horny enough to have sex with a corpse, there's no telling what they would do if they got to see a elbow and calf on a live woman.

Smithboy April 27, 2012 at 6:59 am

Old joke…Man rushes home and tells his wife the doctor just told him he has only 12 hours to live. The wife reponds by asking how he would like to spend his last 12 hours. The man resonds," I want to make love to you all night." The wife responds…"Sure, you don't have to get up in the morining!"

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 7:57 am

I want to give you one word of investment advice, kid:


ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:31 am

Face it, the average Egyptian male has the body of a wart hog and the breath of a possum-fart. They just want to rip off one slice in their life without having to beg or barter for it.

valgal2342 April 27, 2012 at 8:50 am

Who elected American Republican Conservatives in Egypt?

MrFizzy April 27, 2012 at 9:47 am

Maybe Anne Coulter would get laid there.

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