Ungrateful Dead

Egypt Bringing New Meaning To Term ‘Cold Fish’ (UPDATED!)

NewtThe mysterious land of Egypt has always been known for three things: Pyramids, the Sphinx and sex with dead people. Now husbands who have been married for years with the same wife may be able to enjoy a continuing fruitful sex life post mortem (but, sadly, the ‘screw by’ date expires six hours after death). The law — which may in fact just be a smear campaign — could help bridge the gap between Egyptian laws and men’s rights: Egyptian men have been oppressed long enough by having to marry adults and watching women get educated so they can work. Enough is enough.

This proposed law allowing men to bid a fond farewell to the corpses of their wives, with their penises, is one of a set brought to you by your friends over at the Islamist-dominated parliament nestled in beautiful downtown Cairo. And men are not the only ones who benefit. Ladies get to enjoy the freedom of marriage as young as 14 with no worry of ever having to better themselves. Who needs school and work when you have a guy at home salivating over the thought of fornicating with your dead body? Oh…and ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands! Good luck!

Egypt’s National Council for Women (hippie Egyptian Democrats) are already trying to ruin the party by speaking out against the potential new law. They think it is ‘marginalising and undermining the status of women and would negatively affect the country’s human development.’ Naturally the liberal media jumped on the bandwagon and sent anchor Jaber al-Qarmouty to use fear tactics in order to stop the nuptial necro two-step.

“This is very serious. Could the panel that will draft the Egyptian constitution possibly discuss such issues? Did Abdul Samea see by his own eyes the text of the message sent by Talawi to Katatni? This is unbelievable. It is a catastrophe to give the husband such a right! Has the Islamic trend reached that far? Is there really a draft law in this regard? Are there people thinking in this manner?”

Obviously Jaber al-Qarmouty is gay, and should be ignored, if he doesn’t understand the lure of dead pussy. He most likely has never been married and doesn’t grok the close parallel between dead sex and sex with the dead.

Dead spouses were asked about the new law, but all of them remained tight-lipped.

UPDATE: The whole thing may be a giant smear campaign against the Islamists! And even if it is in fact a proposal, it is most definitely not likely to ever actually become law. We will have to look to Oklahoma to make these dreams come true. [Daily Mail]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • OzoneTom

    Those dead spouses aren't going to remain tight-lipped for long.

  • gullywompr

    I don't know, but I been told…

  • TeaNuts

    Gives new meaning to "stopping by for a cold one" eh?

  • philpjfry

    For some, it could be the best sex of their lives. And no need for small talk afterwards. A win-win

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yeah…but if she asks for a cuddle afterward, you're fucked.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    That shit is not Halal.
    What kind of lube is used for rigor mortis? Penzoil?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hence the six-hour window of opportunity.

  • Come here a minute

    I would expect them to be flaccid-lipped, but I've never given it a try.

  • JackObin

    Does the nagging come with it?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      The funeral homes provide a service where you can record your spouse's voice prior to her death.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        "That's it? Let's cuddle! Talk to me! What are you feeling?" and on and on.

  • johnnymeatworth

    "Ethyl Ethyl let me squeeze you in my arms
    Ethyl Ethyl come and freeze me with your charms."
    –Noted theologian Alice Cooper

  • sbj1964

    They still want to f@ck you after your dead?Sounds like the IRS.

    • nanooknw

      Sounds like the GOP.

  • AlterNewt

    Legislative priorities. Sounds familiar.

  • LastGasp

    Dead men tell no tales — and they don't complain about how terrible the sex was afterwards. Hmm, this doesn't sound so bad…

  • Callyson

    ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands!

    "Honey, he was dead in the sack long before he drew his last breath…"

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yeah…but at least for once in his life, he'll be stiff.

  • fuflans

    apparently this is not safe for work day at wonkette.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Your move, Oklahoma!

  • SorosBot

    So in Egypt Newt could start having sex with Callista again?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      WIN!

  • fuflans

    still, no one's talking about skull-fucking.

  • rickmaci

    Could be really f*d up if the guy doesn't time the Viagra just right. Would be a bitch sitting around with a 4 hour woodie waiting for the old lady to kick off.

  • edgydrifter

    How horny and insane do you have to be to make this your legislative priority? "Man, I'm so beside myself with grief here, but wow–I sure would like to break myself off one last slice of that sweet cold ass. Pry open the coffin, boys, I'm not done with her yet! What do you mean it's against the law? Fuck! We'll just see about that. Now go fetch me my law-writin' quill."

  • OneYieldRegular

    Nonjugal visits.

  • SorosBot

    To be fair, Egypt does have a long history of sex with dead people, going all the way back to when Isis got herself knocked up with Horus after reassembling and then fucking her dead husband Osiris' body.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      It's that Olde Tyme Religion!

  • CommieLibunatic

    I… uh…

    At the very least, it momentarily makes the US look a bit less crazy.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Come to Mummy!

  • WhatTheHeck

    All the bazaar men by the Nile say
    Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
    Fuck like an Egyptian

  • SayItWithWookies

    I met a traveller from an antique land
    Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk, a shattered hoo-ha lies, whose pubes,
    And landing strip, and sneer of cold command,
    Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
    Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
    The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
    And on the pedestal these words appear:
    "My name is Monica Crowley, bitch of bitches:
    Fuck my cold cooter, and despair!"
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
    The plain of long-dead pussy stretches far away.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well played, Percy Bysshe Wookie.

  • SpiderCrab

    Pedophile priests
    transvaginal probes
    segregation of menstruating women
    and now this.
    The Abrahamic perversions have surely reached their apogee,
    or have they?

    • doloras

      Yup, damned desert-dwelling Semites with their backwards no-vowel-name God. We should go back to worshipping old-fashioned white gods like Zeus or Thor who never inspired their followers to do evil things.

  • mavenmaven

    I suppose we'll start seeing people dig up mummies again, this time for the ….

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "I came for the antiquities…but I stayed for the hot sex!

  • Warwhatgoodfor

    So let's say she dies and she's only thirteen. Is it halal to quick freeze her until she turns fourteen, then thaw her out for the long goodbye? You know, just in case.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I can only imagine the NOVA – Secrets of Egypt special will be like in 2050.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      It'll be on Skinemax!

  • Guppy

    From a woman.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Ladies? Does your confidence suffer for those times when you don't "feel fresh"? Try Summer's Eve: For Corpses!

    • Wilcoxyz

      Summer's Grieve

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Well done. Well done, indeed.

  • Guppy

    I'm not as familiar with the Islamic rules on such things, but I seem to recall Jehovah telling Moses that any sort of contact with the dead makes one "unclean," up there with being on the rag.

    Do they read their sacred text as well as a Texan does?

  • Wilcoxyz

    Is there some middle ground solution, like the husband just being allowed to cum on her? While he huffs "Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!"

  • Guppy

    Topic for the next readers' poll: is this story fappable or non-fappable?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Give me 4000 years to think it over…

  • StealthMuslin

    King tut, tut, tut…

  • owhatever

    Mitt remains strangely silent on this, but looked strangely at Ann, while the Pope has told a cardinal to study the situation and report back within in the next century.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Rick Santorum already disapproves … but only because it's not intended to result in a pregnancy. (Except in Oklahoma, where a stray not-yet-dead egg might lead to manslaughter.)

  • Not_So_Much

    I don't currently have enough throw-up to read this entire story.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Wait. Did Egypt already have a law specifically prohibiting boinking your freshly expired spouse?

    Combined with this new proposal, I think they are really overthinking this whole thing. Guys, get a hobby, or something.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      C'mon man, be fair. Fucking corpses IS their hobby.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    So *that's* where mummy babies come from!

  • doloras

    *rolls eyes* Of course, it's got to be true if it's written in the Daily Mail.

    There should be a law against Wonkette stories being based on nonsense from the English newspaper which makes Fox News look like wimpy Muslim communists.

    • sewollef

      Touché.

      The Daily Mail…. the ordinary man's fascist rag.

  • MRjonz

    Ha Ha; oh those wacky Muslims. Too bad the story is a one source item from Al Ahram newspaper written by Amr Abdul Samea, a long time Mubarak crony who just might maybe possibly perhaps have an ulterior motive when reporting on the post-Mubarak parliament. But it seems even Liberals are prepared to believe the worst about Muslims when women are concerned.

    Looks like we give just ceded the high ground to that fun couple Pam Geller and Frank Gaffney.
    http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Backchannels/2012/
    http://hotair.com/archives/2012/04/26/egyptian-pa

  • proudgrampa

    What?

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Why women the world over don't worship Lorena Bobbit as some kind of goddess is a mystery to me.

  • horsedreamer_1

    In response, Evil Angel has ordered a rewrite of the Weekend @ Bernie's parody porn.

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    the only way to go http://youtu.be/MLctf4o6feQ

  • pinkocommi

    No wonder some Egyptian women voluntarily wear burkas. I mean, if the guys are horny enough to have sex with a corpse, there's no telling what they would do if they got to see a elbow and calf on a live woman.

  • Smithboy

    Old joke…Man rushes home and tells his wife the doctor just told him he has only 12 hours to live. The wife reponds by asking how he would like to spend his last 12 hours. The man resonds," I want to make love to you all night." The wife responds…"Sure, you don't have to get up in the morining!"

  • DahBoner

    I want to give you one word of investment advice, kid:

    "Teledildonics"

  • ttommyunger

    Face it, the average Egyptian male has the body of a wart hog and the breath of a possum-fart. They just want to rip off one slice in their life without having to beg or barter for it.

  • valgal2342

    Who elected American Republican Conservatives in Egypt?

  • MrFizzy

    Maybe Anne Coulter would get laid there.