Ungrateful Dead

Egypt Bringing New Meaning To Term ‘Cold Fish’ (UPDATED!)

NewtThe mysterious land of Egypt has always been known for three things: Pyramids, the Sphinx and sex with dead people. Now husbands who have been married for years with the same wife may be able to enjoy a continuing fruitful sex life post mortem (but, sadly, the ‘screw by’ date expires six hours after death). The law — which may in fact just be a smear campaign — could help bridge the gap between Egyptian laws and men’s rights: Egyptian men have been oppressed long enough by having to marry adults and watching women get educated so they can work. Enough is enough.

This proposed law allowing men to bid a fond farewell to the corpses of their wives, with their penises, is one of a set brought to you by your friends over at the Islamist-dominated parliament nestled in beautiful downtown Cairo. And men are not the only ones who benefit. Ladies get to enjoy the freedom of marriage as young as 14 with no worry of ever having to better themselves. Who needs school and work when you have a guy at home salivating over the thought of fornicating with your dead body? Oh…and ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands! Good luck!

Egypt’s National Council for Women (hippie Egyptian Democrats) are already trying to ruin the party by speaking out against the potential new law. They think it is ‘marginalising and undermining the status of women and would negatively affect the country’s human development.’ Naturally the liberal media jumped on the bandwagon and sent anchor Jaber al-Qarmouty to use fear tactics in order to stop the nuptial necro two-step.

“This is very serious. Could the panel that will draft the Egyptian constitution possibly discuss such issues? Did Abdul Samea see by his own eyes the text of the message sent by Talawi to Katatni? This is unbelievable. It is a catastrophe to give the husband such a right! Has the Islamic trend reached that far? Is there really a draft law in this regard? Are there people thinking in this manner?”

Obviously Jaber al-Qarmouty is gay, and should be ignored, if he doesn’t understand the lure of dead pussy. He most likely has never been married and doesn’t grok the close parallel between dead sex and sex with the dead.

Dead spouses were asked about the new law, but all of them remained tight-lipped.

UPDATE: The whole thing may be a giant smear campaign against the Islamists! And even if it is in fact a proposal, it is most definitely not likely to ever actually become law. We will have to look to Oklahoma to make these dreams come true. [Daily Mail]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

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  1. philpjfry

    For some, it could be the best sex of their lives. And no need for small talk afterwards. A win-win

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      The funeral homes provide a service where you can record your spouse's voice prior to her death.

  2. johnnymeatworth

    "Ethyl Ethyl let me squeeze you in my arms
    Ethyl Ethyl come and freeze me with your charms."
    –Noted theologian Alice Cooper

  3. LastGasp

    Dead men tell no tales — and they don't complain about how terrible the sex was afterwards. Hmm, this doesn't sound so bad…

  4. Callyson

    ladies, fair is fair: you also get to have sex with your dead husbands!

    "Honey, he was dead in the sack long before he drew his last breath…"

  5. rickmaci

    Could be really f*d up if the guy doesn't time the Viagra just right. Would be a bitch sitting around with a 4 hour woodie waiting for the old lady to kick off.

  6. edgydrifter

    How horny and insane do you have to be to make this your legislative priority? "Man, I'm so beside myself with grief here, but wow–I sure would like to break myself off one last slice of that sweet cold ass. Pry open the coffin, boys, I'm not done with her yet! What do you mean it's against the law? Fuck! We'll just see about that. Now go fetch me my law-writin' quill."

  7. SorosBot

    To be fair, Egypt does have a long history of sex with dead people, going all the way back to when Isis got herself knocked up with Horus after reassembling and then fucking her dead husband Osiris' body.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    I met a traveller from an antique land
    Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk, a shattered hoo-ha lies, whose pubes,
    And landing strip, and sneer of cold command,
    Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
    Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
    The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
    And on the pedestal these words appear:
    "My name is Monica Crowley, bitch of bitches:
    Fuck my cold cooter, and despair!"
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
    The plain of long-dead pussy stretches far away.

  9. SpiderCrab

    Pedophile priests
    transvaginal probes
    segregation of menstruating women
    and now this.
    The Abrahamic perversions have surely reached their apogee,
    or have they?

    1. doloras

      Yup, damned desert-dwelling Semites with their backwards no-vowel-name God. We should go back to worshipping old-fashioned white gods like Zeus or Thor who never inspired their followers to do evil things.

  10. Warwhatgoodfor

    So let's say she dies and she's only thirteen. Is it halal to quick freeze her until she turns fourteen, then thaw her out for the long goodbye? You know, just in case.

  11. Dashboard Buddha

    Ladies? Does your confidence suffer for those times when you don't "feel fresh"? Try Summer's Eve: For Corpses!

  12. Guppy

    I'm not as familiar with the Islamic rules on such things, but I seem to recall Jehovah telling Moses that any sort of contact with the dead makes one "unclean," up there with being on the rag.

    Do they read their sacred text as well as a Texan does?

  13. Wilcoxyz

    Is there some middle ground solution, like the husband just being allowed to cum on her? While he huffs "Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!"

  14. owhatever

    Mitt remains strangely silent on this, but looked strangely at Ann, while the Pope has told a cardinal to study the situation and report back within in the next century.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Rick Santorum already disapproves … but only because it's not intended to result in a pregnancy. (Except in Oklahoma, where a stray not-yet-dead egg might lead to manslaughter.)

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Wait. Did Egypt already have a law specifically prohibiting boinking your freshly expired spouse?

    Combined with this new proposal, I think they are really overthinking this whole thing. Guys, get a hobby, or something.

  16. MRjonz

    Ha Ha; oh those wacky Muslims. Too bad the story is a one source item from Al Ahram newspaper written by Amr Abdul Samea, a long time Mubarak crony who just might maybe possibly perhaps have an ulterior motive when reporting on the post-Mubarak parliament. But it seems even Liberals are prepared to believe the worst about Muslims when women are concerned.

    Looks like we give just ceded the high ground to that fun couple Pam Geller and Frank Gaffney.

  17. horsedreamer_1

    In response, Evil Angel has ordered a rewrite of the Weekend @ Bernie's parody porn.

  18. pinkocommi

    No wonder some Egyptian women voluntarily wear burkas. I mean, if the guys are horny enough to have sex with a corpse, there's no telling what they would do if they got to see a elbow and calf on a live woman.

  19. Smithboy

    Old joke…Man rushes home and tells his wife the doctor just told him he has only 12 hours to live. The wife reponds by asking how he would like to spend his last 12 hours. The man resonds," I want to make love to you all night." The wife responds…"Sure, you don't have to get up in the morining!"

  20. ttommyunger

    Face it, the average Egyptian male has the body of a wart hog and the breath of a possum-fart. They just want to rip off one slice in their life without having to beg or barter for it.

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