THE COLD WAR WAS TOO FUN  1:03 pm April 26, 2012

Only Mitt Romney Can Stop The Grave Soviet Threat

by Jim Newell

Other working ideas in the Romney playbookFormer Reagan Navy Secretary John Lehman, a Romney surrogate, held a troubling conference call today that should terrify able-bodied, capitalist Cold Warriors everywhere: “We’re seeing the Soviets pushing into the Arctic with no response from us.” Filthy conniving Reds… you can never trust that Brezhnev. One day it’s detente, next day it’s “castrate Santa; torch the elves.” And yet Obama says nothing; mostly because it’s 2012.

It is true that Russia, a country that was called the Soviet Union two decades ago, is pushing into the Arctic — right off its northern coastline, to drill for stuff. Those godless bastards. And yet Obama won’t nuke them for this? He just doesn’t get it.

And did you know that the Czech Republic reverts its name to Czechoslovakia every four years, during U.S. presidential elections? Bless their hearts; they do it to make things easier for Republican presidential candidates and surrogates like Pierre Prosper, possessor of the comical top credential, “George W. Bush’s Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues”:

“You know, Russia is another example where we give and Russia gets and we get nothing in return,” Prosper said. “The United States abandoned its missile defense sites in Poland and Czechoslovakia, yet Russia does nothing but obstruct us, or efforts in Iran and Syria.”

But this is nitpicky, to point out their slips of the tongue. The point is: Mitt Romney would launch a ground war against Russia, because of the Arctic Circle, while Barack Obama would do drugs with Vladimir Putin all the time instead.

[TPM]

 

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{ 156 comments }

el_donaldo April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

What exactly is the concern? Are the Russians going to dig up The Thing again? That would be cause for worry.

Dr_pangloss April 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The Blob is at the North Pole. The Thing is at the South Pole.

el_donaldo April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You know who else is at the North Pole …

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Santa and that faggy elf who keeps trying to clean everyone's teeth?

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

And if you think the Soviet threat against Santa isn't real, then you haven't seen The Night the Reindeer Died.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

It's no Day the Clown Cried

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The original 1950s The Thing from Another World (aka "The Thing") was in the Arctic. The remake – and way cooler The Thing – was at the South Pole.

iburl April 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

1 guess.
clue: it starts with OI and ends with L

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

They're drilling for oil.

American oil.

Or Canadian oil

Or Nowegian oil.

Or Denmarkian

All these countries can, under certain interpretations of existing law, lay claim to the oil under the Arctic

Oddly, Greenland hasn't laid a claim yet…

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Well, Greenland is still just a semi-autonomous dependency of Denmark. But if they discover enough oil there, I see an Exxon-funded independence movement in their future.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I thought they were an autonomous collective.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

You're fooling yourself. They're living in a dictatorship.A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the seal-spearing classes ….—

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

No, they're going to find Captain America and keep him frozen forever so he can't come back and help form the Avengers and defend us against the Skrull. This, combined with the fact that Doctor Doom wouldn't let the US install a missile defense system in Latveria (Doom claimed that he already had a missile defense system and that it worked against ballistic missiles and Fanstasticars, and that the US system was a total piece of shit because it didn't have any Kirby crackle.) means that the United States will be completely defenseless against the Red Skull, who, as National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg pointed out, was really a liberal Democrat.

Typodong3 April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I'm new! This is my first comment! I'm so excited. Years from now I can tell my children about this moment. Yeah, so actually this is a pretty big deal In addition to stealing our babies and teaching them the godless ways of communism, the Russians are actually staking a claim to the huge resources buried in the arctic circle, that are only just opening up due to the ice caps melting. This region IS the worlds gold rush for the 21st century. That is all.

SheriffRoscoe April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

What's he planning to do about Prussia?

Limeylizzie April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

and Saxe-Coburg-Gotha?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

He certainly doesn't seem to have any kind of contingency plans to answer the Schleswig-Holstein Question, either.

sewollef April 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Or the Eastern Roman Empire. We should bomb Constantinople before those damn Romans attack us with their Onagers.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Or the Vikings. And I bet under Obama the army hasn't even kept up a stockpile of Greek Fire. When they come sailing down the Volga up the Mississippi we'll be defenceless!

Serolf_Divad April 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I'm still waiting for a candidate with the balls to force Spain out of Cuba and the Philippines!

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

With a name like "Lehman," I think it's safe to say he's in the pocket of the Holy Roman Emperor

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Those Ottomans are looking mighty shifty…

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Or the Mongol Hordes?

criminogenic April 26, 2012 at 8:34 pm

..everybody knows those bbq joints are the Trojan horse of today.

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Form an alliance with King Ferdinand, of course. D'UH!

Come here a minute April 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

We have always been at war with Pangaea.

doloras April 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

He'll make a formal complaint at the Prussian consulate in Siam.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I think Canada is going to handle this for us. I read that they're getting pretty grabby up there too.

Maman April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

As if they had the right!

WiscDad April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"The kid's of today should defend themselves against the seventies"

tihond April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

On the same day the soviet Ovechkin triumphed over the pure blooded American Tim Thomas. Why doesn't Obama just hand the keys to Amurica to Ivan Drago?

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

APOLLO CREED LIBEL!!

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I want to understand something: Tim Thomas is allowed to wear a Teabagger emblem large and in charge on his helmet (and for that and dissing the President, I was thrilled to see the Caps win, even if I hate Ovechkin) but if someone put a hammer and sickle on their helmet, whooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I like to think of it as a slapshot-target, myself.

In the sense of "slapshot-surveyer's-mark" of course.

SexySmurf April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

If you think that's bad, Obama acts like the Austrian-Hungarian Empire doesn't even exist. What's he going to do if the Kaiser aims his cannons at East Prussia?

Mahousu April 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Wouldn't that be an internal affair?

Me, I'm more concerned about who's going to avenge Jenkin's ear.

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Don't worry: Archduke Ferdinand will protect us.

Dr_Zoidberg April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Ah, nostalgia. I was a child of the Cold War, and how I miss those days of unmitigated paranoia and saber-rattling.

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

And how are you enjoying the revival?

Serolf_Divad April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Apparently Jr., Sue Ellen, Bobby and the rest of the cast of Dallas are coming back. Why not the Soviet Union?

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Don't worry, Mitt. If the Soviets attack, me and my high school buddies will drive a pickup truck into the woods and hunt deer and ambush the Cuban-Nicaraguan troops with the help of a downed American fighter pilot. WOLVERINESSS!!!!1!!

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

My favorite part was the constant fear of getting vaporized at any second.

Dr_Zoidberg April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Living in fear is the only way to go!

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I went to high school in an area that was densly populated with military installations. One morning while puting my clothes on for school, a bright light came through the window, and I dove to the floor. After several seconds of nothing happening, I slowly raised my head to peek out the window. It was the sun coming up. Fun times, fun times…

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Imagine how paranoia-inducing actually growing up on those military bases was.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Ah yes, the good old days of getting under your school desk, tucking your head between you knees, covering your neck with your hands, and get ready to kiss your ass goodbye.
It was a simpler time.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

It made for good movies too.
WOLVERINES!!!!!

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Duck and cover!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

“George W. Bush’s Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues”:

As in committing, not prosecuting, amirite?

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

And now Poland's like, all, "oh fuck."

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"Not again!!!"

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I can see Czechoslovakia from my dacha.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

A say we invade Canada, just in case.

el_donaldo April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

It seems everything's gone wrong / Since Canada came along.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Just say nyet to Mitt.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Mitt is also going to take care of closing the mineshaft gap.

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Retard.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Frankly I think we should take a more hard line approach to the Holy Roman Empire.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

There you go again. Trampling people's religious freedom.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Yea! Why do you hate Hapsburgs so?

Nostrildamus April 26, 2012 at 2:38 pm

s/b "Holey" given Pope Benny & co.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Fortunately, we still have Ice Station Zebra up there from which to launch an appropriate response.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Best movie without boobies ever made

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Starring renown ass bandit, Rock Hudson!

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Drill Commie Drill?

Limeylizzie April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

OT But fucking overly-capped teeth monster Norm Coleman is on MSNBC as a Mitten's foreign policy advisor. First sentence 'Joe Biden is wrong , killing Obama doesn't make good foreign policy"

Biff April 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Oh for fuck's sake!

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

That will come as a disappointment to the GOP base.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

WTH makes NORM COLEMAN a credible source for foreign policy? Dude couldn't even beat an SNL actor for a Senate seat. Norm needs to shut his trap & cover up his Chiclet teeth.

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

No, indeed Norm, nice slip o' the tongue. Oh, and had Dubya done the deed with OSama, he'd be on Mt. Rushmore.

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Whether it makes good foreign policy or not, it's still really gangsta.

Limeylizzie April 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Killing Osama was gangsta not killing Obama.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:57 am

Does Norm still have the bolt in his neck?

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Mitt 'The Spy Who Came In From The Car Elevator' will save us.

noodlesalad April 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Obama disbanded the mounted cavalry! Sold off all the ironclads from our Navy! With what shall we defend ourselves from the growing threat of Prussia and the Kaiser?

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Can't someone just press a button and launch Sarah Palin? She's close, right?

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 9:40 pm

you are quite extraordinarily funny today sir or madam.

cheers!

Biff April 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I'm gonna need a bigger desk to hide under.

criminogenic April 26, 2012 at 8:43 pm

..thats all right..just stock up with plenty of Coal, leeches and dripping and this will all blow over when the Habsburg's wrest control of the Duchy of Burgundy from the traitorous hands of Ron Burgundy and his scabulous hordes.

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

We give and we give, and all you do is take. snif, it hurts.

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The Soviets? Fuck me, and Mittens too.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Why is Obama against trench warfare?

SwanSwanH April 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

#appeasement

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

How do you pronounce "Barack Obama" in Russian? "Neville Chamberlain."

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Russia, China, Norway, Amerikkka, even Denmark (thru Greenland) are competing for the Arctic because the polar icecap is shrinking so rapidly.

That has nothing to do with global warming, of course.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Let silly Canada have their Northwest Passage, when the polar ice cap melts, shipping will be so awesome!

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

It's like a fly in your chardonnay. We're competing over resources that are becoming exploitable because we exploited those resources.

larryfinexx April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Send Nanook some more harpoons for protection.

SheriffRoscoe April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

The King of Bavaria is in a Des Moines bar at this very moment, hatching his evil plot. Mitt Romney will be all over that.

PubOption April 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

And the King of Prussia is in Pennsylvania.

EatsBabyDingos April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

We wouldn't be having this discussion if Napoleon had B-52's at Waterloo, preferably the hot babe with the red bouffant hairdo.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I was too young to really feel the warmth of the Cold War, I'm glad I'm around for the sequel!

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm

But we did grow up in the Reagan years, and have the fun of going to bed and wondering if the world would be blown up while we slept.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm

After the Cuban Missile Crisis. those of us that lived through the 60's and 70's had MAD to keep us warm at night.

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Mutually assured destruction? It had a nice ring to it, didn't it?

doloras April 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

"You never lost a war by being too strong and you're never too strong when you've got the bomb! LET'S GO!"

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Oh, it's pretty damn close to what we have now, with two exceptions: In foreign policy, we were going to be wiped out by the Soviets instead of the Muslims; and in domestic policy, the nutbags would call you a communist instead of a socialist. And sometimes they'd throw in "Soviet dupe" for flavor.

CapnFatback April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

In Soviet Russia, people are corporations, my comrade!

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

And Obama does nothing to protect us from the damned Carthaginians!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I keep seeing avatars with the wrong pictures. Is it just me? Am I finally actually going insane?

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Are they squiggly aliens? If so, you may want to restart your browser. If not, you may want to slow down on the absinthe.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Ah the good old squiggly aliens are always fun, and enliven having either Wonkette or Firefox fucking up.

Boojum April 27, 2012 at 4:42 am

Absinthe Debate.

EatsBabyDingos April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Holy Charge of Luddite Brigade, Batman!

Serolf_Divad April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

But what if the Ruskies discover the Fortress of Solitude? Or Santa's workshop, for that matter?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

The Chi-Coms already got to Santa, actually: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Wd2eVsUt2ug/R2iuFiUGgvI

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Obama should make a surprise visit to China to throw the Ruskies off their game.

boobookitteh April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

The Slovak Republic gets no respect.

Mahousu April 26, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hej, Slováci, ešte naša
slovenská reč žije,
Dokiaľ naše verné srdce
za náš národ bije.

Žije, žije, duch slovenský,
bude žiť na veky,
Hrom a peklo, márne vaše
proti nám sú vzteky!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Thank goodness we still have all the advanced technology that Sean Connery brought over to us with that Krasny Oktyabr missile sub.

Serolf_Divad April 26, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Don't forget the technological wizardry that Clint Eastwood nabbed with the Firefox.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Maybe Russia would be placated if we gave them Alaska?

philpjfry April 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Is that an option? Because I am totaly OK with that if it is.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If it would put an end to all the email I get re: the Pebble Mine and killing the native iceberg fish, I'm all for it.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Didn't Ronald Reagan put an end to all this Soviet nonsense?

CapnFatback April 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

The Arctic: where every war is a Cold War.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

If Mitt does win and travels to Russia, he better take a couple food tasters with him. I'm pretty sure Putin is not amused.

swordfis April 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm

That's for sure. I got a whopping giardia in Leningrad. Or, maybe let him find out for himself.

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

We are just waiting for Quinn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y9mopy0ly8

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but HEAR ME OUT!!!

What if…the Republicans are actually visitors from an alternate universe in which the USSR never collapsed?????

Frankly, I think it would explain one heck of a lot. It's all to do with Quantum.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Fringe Division is on it.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I did recently see a bald man put a shitload of pepper on his food…

Biff April 26, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Observing the Observers, now that's meta.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 2:30 pm

The 2000 elections put America into the darkest timeline – we need to find evil Abed to help us break through to the timeline where things didn't go so wrong.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

There was a book called War Day back in the 80s, in which they described the nuclear destruction of, among others, San Antonio, with particular attention paid to good old Kelly Air Force Base. If Mitt gets in, I guess I better start worrying about this kind of shit again, since that's right where I am sitting at this moment. Duck and Cover!!!

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

OT but I was dazzled and gobsmacked at Frozen Planet and am currently coveting an owl and an Adelie penguin.

CrunchyKnee April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Wolverines!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!

Wilcoxyz April 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm

What about all the Cubans chilling with mojitos in Grenada? Like that's not a sneak attack our whore-loving security forces are missing. On account of ripping hot and affordable Colombian babes.

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I was 12 years old when ABC aired "The Day After" and I DIDN'T SLEEP FOR A FUCKING MONTH. STOP WITH THE SOVIET WARMONGERING. STOP RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLES.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Did you stay up for the after-show debate between Carl Sagan and William F Buckley?

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Yes. I was quite the nerd.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Oh, let's just throw our borders open to all the Visigoths while we're at it, Nobammerz!11!

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

If you think that's bad, wait until you realize that Susan G. Komen is sucking up to a Soviet dictator's daughter!

Poindexter718 April 26, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Carthage must be destroyed!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

We begin bombing in five minutes.

With Cold War nostalgia!!!

Boojum April 27, 2012 at 4:48 am

With votes.

Allmighty_Manos April 26, 2012 at 1:42 pm

If Lehman threw in East Germany as well, he could have made it a hat trick of fuck ups.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:48 pm

That dirty commie Obama hasn't airlifted a single care package to West Berlin!

bagofmice April 26, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Russians drilling off of Siberia is almost as crazy as the British drilling in the Gulf of Mexico!

mookwrthwilson April 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I wonder what the Romney campaign thinks about the Barbary Pirates kidnapping our sailors!!!???

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Lisa Simpson went to CPAC?

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

We need to build more great walls to keep out the Mongol horde!!!

Arken April 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

MASH THE DIRTY RED SCUM! KICK 'EM IN THE TEETH WHERE IT HURTS! KILL! KILL! KILL! FILTHY BASTARD COMMUNISTS! I HATE 'EM! I HATE 'EM! AAAAAAARGH! AAAAARGH! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoATWN68IZA

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Dinner's ready!

La_Cieca April 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"Russia does nothing but obstruct us, or efforts in Persia and Assyria."

owhatever April 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Right. They freeze their asses off drilling for oil near Santa's Workshop, then if they find some, they haul it out by Yak-sled, and sell it to us, like everybody else does. Or we could just go ahead and bomb the shit out of them.

outragedcitizen April 26, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So, Lehman is a senile as Raygun. Not a very big surprise.

BlueStateLibel April 26, 2012 at 2:20 pm

That damn Czar rearing his head up over Alaska too. Who cares though, the Reds can have the Artic – they'll all die horrible deaths when their fleet gets ice-locked (see Dan Simmons' "The Terror").

Native_of_SL_UT April 26, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Send in Slim Pickens!

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 2:56 pm

But – are the polar bears safe?

rickmaci April 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

And Obummer does nothing about that damn Messcan generalissimo Santa Anna running wild trying to retake Texas!! Next thing you know we will be defending the borders with our backs to the Alamo….

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 3:10 pm

When Mittens is elected the Pentagon will finally get funding for its W.O.P.R. project.

criminogenic April 26, 2012 at 8:48 pm

this all just points to Obama being a Soviet sleeper agent

DahBoner April 27, 2012 at 12:01 am

The Grave Soviet menace?

Did the Romney's get cut off by their Lennigrad Caviar exporter??

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:59 am

I can see stupid from my porch.

Sir_Fartz_Alot April 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

not until something is done about the Tatar yoke

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