the cold war was too fun

Only Mitt Romney Can Stop The Grave Soviet Threat

Other working ideas in the Romney playbookFormer Reagan Navy Secretary John Lehman, a Romney surrogate, held a troubling conference call today that should terrify able-bodied, capitalist Cold Warriors everywhere: “We’re seeing the Soviets pushing into the Arctic with no response from us.” Filthy conniving Reds… you can never trust that Brezhnev. One day it’s detente, next day it’s “castrate Santa; torch the elves.” And yet Obama says nothing; mostly because it’s 2012.

It is true that Russia, a country that was called the Soviet Union two decades ago, is pushing into the Arctic — right off its northern coastline, to drill for stuff. Those godless bastards. And yet Obama won’t nuke them for this? He just doesn’t get it.

And did you know that the Czech Republic reverts its name to Czechoslovakia every four years, during U.S. presidential elections? Bless their hearts; they do it to make things easier for Republican presidential candidates and surrogates like Pierre Prosper, possessor of the comical top credential, “George W. Bush’s Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues”:

“You know, Russia is another example where we give and Russia gets and we get nothing in return,” Prosper said. “The United States abandoned its missile defense sites in Poland and Czechoslovakia, yet Russia does nothing but obstruct us, or efforts in Iran and Syria.”

But this is nitpicky, to point out their slips of the tongue. The point is: Mitt Romney would launch a ground war against Russia, because of the Arctic Circle, while Barack Obama would do drugs with Vladimir Putin all the time instead.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. el_donaldo

    What exactly is the concern? Are the Russians going to dig up The Thing again? That would be cause for worry.

      1. Chichikovovich

        The original 1950s The Thing from Another World (aka "The Thing") was in the Arctic. The remake – and way cooler The Thing – was at the South Pole.

    1. actor212

      They're drilling for oil.

      American oil.

      Or Canadian oil

      Or Nowegian oil.

      Or Denmarkian

      All these countries can, under certain interpretations of existing law, lay claim to the oil under the Arctic

      Oddly, Greenland hasn't laid a claim yet…

      1. Chichikovovich

        Well, Greenland is still just a semi-autonomous dependency of Denmark. But if they discover enough oil there, I see an Exxon-funded independence movement in their future.

          1. Chichikovovich

            You're fooling yourself. They're living in a dictatorship.A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the seal-spearing classes ….—

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      No, they're going to find Captain America and keep him frozen forever so he can't come back and help form the Avengers and defend us against the Skrull. This, combined with the fact that Doctor Doom wouldn't let the US install a missile defense system in Latveria (Doom claimed that he already had a missile defense system and that it worked against ballistic missiles and Fanstasticars, and that the US system was a total piece of shit because it didn't have any Kirby crackle.) means that the United States will be completely defenseless against the Red Skull, who, as National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg pointed out, was really a liberal Democrat.

    3. Typodong3

      I'm new! This is my first comment! I'm so excited. Years from now I can tell my children about this moment. Yeah, so actually this is a pretty big deal In addition to stealing our babies and teaching them the godless ways of communism, the Russians are actually staking a claim to the huge resources buried in the arctic circle, that are only just opening up due to the ice caps melting. This region IS the worlds gold rush for the 21st century. That is all.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        He certainly doesn't seem to have any kind of contingency plans to answer the Schleswig-Holstein Question, either.

        1. sewollef

          Or the Eastern Roman Empire. We should bomb Constantinople before those damn Romans attack us with their Onagers.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Or the Vikings. And I bet under Obama the army hasn't even kept up a stockpile of Greek Fire. When they come sailing down the Volga up the Mississippi we'll be defenceless!

      2. Serolf_Divad

        I'm still waiting for a candidate with the balls to force Spain out of Cuba and the Philippines!

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    I think Canada is going to handle this for us. I read that they're getting pretty grabby up there too.

  3. tihond

    On the same day the soviet Ovechkin triumphed over the pure blooded American Tim Thomas. Why doesn't Obama just hand the keys to Amurica to Ivan Drago?

    1. actor212

      I want to understand something: Tim Thomas is allowed to wear a Teabagger emblem large and in charge on his helmet (and for that and dissing the President, I was thrilled to see the Caps win, even if I hate Ovechkin) but if someone put a hammer and sickle on their helmet, whooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelly!

      1. Chichikovovich

        I like to think of it as a slapshot-target, myself.

        In the sense of "slapshot-surveyer's-mark" of course.

  4. SexySmurf

    If you think that's bad, Obama acts like the Austrian-Hungarian Empire doesn't even exist. What's he going to do if the Kaiser aims his cannons at East Prussia?

    1. Mahousu

      Wouldn't that be an internal affair?

      Me, I'm more concerned about who's going to avenge Jenkin's ear.

  5. Dr_Zoidberg

    Ah, nostalgia. I was a child of the Cold War, and how I miss those days of unmitigated paranoia and saber-rattling.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Apparently Jr., Sue Ellen, Bobby and the rest of the cast of Dallas are coming back. Why not the Soviet Union?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Don't worry, Mitt. If the Soviets attack, me and my high school buddies will drive a pickup truck into the woods and hunt deer and ambush the Cuban-Nicaraguan troops with the help of a downed American fighter pilot. WOLVERINESSS!!!!1!!

      1. gullywompr

        I went to high school in an area that was densly populated with military installations. One morning while puting my clothes on for school, a bright light came through the window, and I dove to the floor. After several seconds of nothing happening, I slowly raised my head to peek out the window. It was the sun coming up. Fun times, fun times…

      2. GOPCrusher

        Ah yes, the good old days of getting under your school desk, tucking your head between you knees, covering your neck with your hands, and get ready to kiss your ass goodbye.
        It was a simpler time.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    “George W. Bush’s Ambassador-at-Large for War Crimes Issues”:

    As in committing, not prosecuting, amirite?

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Fortunately, we still have Ice Station Zebra up there from which to launch an appropriate response.

  8. Limeylizzie

    OT But fucking overly-capped teeth monster Norm Coleman is on MSNBC as a Mitten's foreign policy advisor. First sentence 'Joe Biden is wrong , killing Obama doesn't make good foreign policy"

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      WTH makes NORM COLEMAN a credible source for foreign policy? Dude couldn't even beat an SNL actor for a Senate seat. Norm needs to shut his trap & cover up his Chiclet teeth.

    2. freakishlywrong

      No, indeed Norm, nice slip o' the tongue. Oh, and had Dubya done the deed with OSama, he'd be on Mt. Rushmore.

  9. noodlesalad

    Obama disbanded the mounted cavalry! Sold off all the ironclads from our Navy! With what shall we defend ourselves from the growing threat of Prussia and the Kaiser?

    1. criminogenic

      ..thats all right..just stock up with plenty of Coal, leeches and dripping and this will all blow over when the Habsburg's wrest control of the Duchy of Burgundy from the traitorous hands of Ron Burgundy and his scabulous hordes.

  10. Chow Yun Flat

    Russia, China, Norway, Amerikkka, even Denmark (thru Greenland) are competing for the Arctic because the polar icecap is shrinking so rapidly.

    That has nothing to do with global warming, of course.

    1. Biff

      Let silly Canada have their Northwest Passage, when the polar ice cap melts, shipping will be so awesome!

    2. freakishlywrong

      It's like a fly in your chardonnay. We're competing over resources that are becoming exploitable because we exploited those resources.

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    The King of Bavaria is in a Des Moines bar at this very moment, hatching his evil plot. Mitt Romney will be all over that.

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    We wouldn't be having this discussion if Napoleon had B-52's at Waterloo, preferably the hot babe with the red bouffant hairdo.

  13. MissTaken

    I was too young to really feel the warmth of the Cold War, I'm glad I'm around for the sequel!

    1. SorosBot

      But we did grow up in the Reagan years, and have the fun of going to bed and wondering if the world would be blown up while we slept.

      1. GOPCrusher

        After the Cuban Missile Crisis. those of us that lived through the 60's and 70's had MAD to keep us warm at night.

        1. doloras

          "You never lost a war by being too strong and you're never too strong when you've got the bomb! LET'S GO!"

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, it's pretty damn close to what we have now, with two exceptions: In foreign policy, we were going to be wiped out by the Soviets instead of the Muslims; and in domestic policy, the nutbags would call you a communist instead of a socialist. And sometimes they'd throw in "Soviet dupe" for flavor.

  14. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I keep seeing avatars with the wrong pictures. Is it just me? Am I finally actually going insane?

    1. MissTaken

      Are they squiggly aliens? If so, you may want to restart your browser. If not, you may want to slow down on the absinthe.

      1. SorosBot

        Ah the good old squiggly aliens are always fun, and enliven having either Wonkette or Firefox fucking up.

  15. Serolf_Divad

    But what if the Ruskies discover the Fortress of Solitude? Or Santa's workshop, for that matter?

    1. Mahousu

      Hej, Slováci, ešte naša
      slovenská reč žije,
      Dokiaľ naše verné srdce
      za náš národ bije.

      Žije, žije, duch slovenský,
      bude žiť na veky,
      Hrom a peklo, márne vaše
      proti nám sú vzteky!

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    Thank goodness we still have all the advanced technology that Sean Connery brought over to us with that Krasny Oktyabr missile sub.

    1. Biff

      If it would put an end to all the email I get re: the Pebble Mine and killing the native iceberg fish, I'm all for it.

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    If Mitt does win and travels to Russia, he better take a couple food tasters with him. I'm pretty sure Putin is not amused.

    1. swordfis

      That's for sure. I got a whopping giardia in Leningrad. Or, maybe let him find out for himself.

  18. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I know this is gonna sound crazy, but HEAR ME OUT!!!

    What if…the Republicans are actually visitors from an alternate universe in which the USSR never collapsed?????

    Frankly, I think it would explain one heck of a lot. It's all to do with Quantum.

    1. SorosBot

      The 2000 elections put America into the darkest timeline – we need to find evil Abed to help us break through to the timeline where things didn't go so wrong.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    There was a book called War Day back in the 80s, in which they described the nuclear destruction of, among others, San Antonio, with particular attention paid to good old Kelly Air Force Base. If Mitt gets in, I guess I better start worrying about this kind of shit again, since that's right where I am sitting at this moment. Duck and Cover!!!

  20. freakishlywrong

    OT but I was dazzled and gobsmacked at Frozen Planet and am currently coveting an owl and an Adelie penguin.

  21. Wilcoxyz

    What about all the Cubans chilling with mojitos in Grenada? Like that's not a sneak attack our whore-loving security forces are missing. On account of ripping hot and affordable Colombian babes.

  22. ChernobylSoup


    1. Generation[redacted]

      Did you stay up for the after-show debate between Carl Sagan and William F Buckley?

  23. widestanceromance

    Oh, let's just throw our borders open to all the Visigoths while we're at it, Nobammerz!11!

  24. Guppy

    If you think that's bad, wait until you realize that Susan G. Komen is sucking up to a Soviet dictator's daughter!

  25. Allmighty_Manos

    If Lehman threw in East Germany as well, he could have made it a hat trick of fuck ups.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      That dirty commie Obama hasn't airlifted a single care package to West Berlin!

  26. bagofmice

    Russians drilling off of Siberia is almost as crazy as the British drilling in the Gulf of Mexico!

  27. mookwrthwilson

    I wonder what the Romney campaign thinks about the Barbary Pirates kidnapping our sailors!!!???

  28. owhatever

    Right. They freeze their asses off drilling for oil near Santa's Workshop, then if they find some, they haul it out by Yak-sled, and sell it to us, like everybody else does. Or we could just go ahead and bomb the shit out of them.

  29. BlueStateLibel

    That damn Czar rearing his head up over Alaska too. Who cares though, the Reds can have the Artic – they'll all die horrible deaths when their fleet gets ice-locked (see Dan Simmons' "The Terror").

  30. rickmaci

    And Obummer does nothing about that damn Messcan generalissimo Santa Anna running wild trying to retake Texas!! Next thing you know we will be defending the borders with our backs to the Alamo….

  31. Generation[redacted]

    When Mittens is elected the Pentagon will finally get funding for its W.O.P.R. project.

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