Janine Turner: Convert Your Liberal Friends To Reasonableness By Calling Them Stupid Traitors

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Phyllis SchlaflyFamous 1990s actress Janine Turner (“Northern Exposure,” “The Night of the White Pants”) has joined the other most famous lady GOPer, Victoria Jackson, in going full wingnut, as you could probably tell by this terrifying picture of her going as Nancy Reagan for Halloween except that that is always how she looks now aiyeeeee!

Anyway, Ol’ Janine over there is a “writer” now for Pajamas Media, and this is very exciting, and her first column is a holy shit of a tl;dr wherein she takes apart the word “girlfriends” with each letter forming a different way to convert your idiot liberal Hollywood bitch “girlfriends” to reasonableness by explaining that they are stupid traitors. What fun! Let’s take apart some of it (it is literally a list of 63 bullet points) until we are bored! OK, it starts with an introduction where Turner explains that it is hard being a conservative Lady at a table full of blah commie Whoopie Goldbergs, and old feminist battleaxe Baba Wawas, and the talky one, you know, the Jewish one, because conservative women are too sweet and nice to stand up to them. But Turner will show you how!

G: Get Reasonable. Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat.
Knowledge is power and reason is a civic responsibility.
Our United States Constitution is the law of the land.
Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them.

That is some excellent reasonableness right there, and we should always strive for such reasonableness in our own daily lives! For instance: Are you at the grocery store, and a lady is too engrossed in her own selfish bullshit to move aside so you could get down the aisle? Be reasonable, and PUNCH HER IN HER STUPID FACE. It is so awful how Democrat traitors are always being so mean to conservatives like Janine Turner, who knows that “the Democrats, not able to defend their wiles with wisdom, will attack the Republican women’s character. They know that Democrats cannot have a reasonable conversation, and a brouhaha will ensue.” It is so awful especially that they would do that while menstruating all over the Constitution and just cold breakin’ the law, ALWAYS, probably because Reefer Madness made them listen to Jazz and rape a White lady.

We are going to skip over about 50 letters now because Jesus Christ, and alight on this:

D: Darkness — Democrats Want Us to Be in the Dark. Want your child to sit in the dark? Be a Democrat.

We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes.
Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional.
Government fails when it mandates the market. See Solyndra.
Our electricity is being compromised before alternatives are viable and accessible.
Obama and the Democrats want us to be awash in windmills.
What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?

Stupid DutchWHAT HAPPENS IF THE WIND DOESN’T BLOW, AMERICA! And we did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes. This is fucking William Blake style poetry of the mind, and we all should probably smoke some opium RIGHT NOW and let it wash through us like the tide. But what if the ocean stops tiding, huh? WHAT THEN? And that is why we must have coal-fired power plants forever and ever, because who ever heard of getting energy from wind? Stupid fucking Dutch, go back to Dutchland! Janine Turner is having no more of your Yurpeen nonsense. And that is how you convert your friends, by explaining them about candles, the end. [PajamasMedia]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 351 comments }

randcoolcatdaddy April 26, 2012 at 11:57 am

"Obama and the Democrats want us to be awash in windmills.
What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?"

Well, Janine, just pucker up and blow…

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Wait. I thought the CW was always "Suck, don't blow."

MosesInvests April 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

"I may not know much about sex, but I do know one thing. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BLOW!"-Ben Elton

Dr_Zoidberg April 26, 2012 at 12:08 pm

'Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I.
But when the trees bow down their heads,
the wind is passing by.'

Evidently, this is too complicated for our GOP friends.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

That's from my childhood, a thousand years or so ago!

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:08 pm

We'll rely on the hysterical arm-flapping of wingnuts to see us through those few days each year.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The little bags of fat on their upper arms will provide extra turbulence.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind…

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 11:57 am

Her eyes look dead.

SexySmurf April 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's a side effect of the Restasis.

That and brain damage.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm

NOTE:

Janine, you're supposed to spit the Scope out, not swallow.

Back to one! Take twelve! Quiet on the set!

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Like a doll's eyes.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Like a serpent's egg. . ."

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm

"Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white……"

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

She wanted them to match her soul. Coordinated!!

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Reflecting the condition of the brainette behind them.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I blame the crystal meth

HogeyeGrex April 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm

That picture looks like some sort of pre-suicidal cry for help from a very damaged person. It's a little disturbing. She has the look of someone who knows that after the photo, it's time to get back in the box.

sbj1964 April 26, 2012 at 11:58 am

She is so far right she's wrong as the saying go's.

kissawookiee April 26, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'm sorry; I missed the part where the reasonableness starts.

chascates April 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

Or just have them watch Fox News, that should do the trick.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

"We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes."

Stupid Republicans and their Rural Electrification Project. Oh wait.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

There's this horrible thing on the internet, written by a stupid Canadian professor who wants to suck George W. Bush's cock all day long, that criticizes Earth Day because (I am not joking) electricity is a GOOD thing and helps us see things when it is dark. So rather than conserving energy, we should leave the lights blazing all fucking night, because if we don't, something something terrorists.

My CEO prints this out every year and leaves it in our company kitchen on Earth Day. This has led me to provide instructions for all of our employees to make sure to leave their lamps and space heaters blazing all weekend long.

Fuck, I fucking hate conservatives.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

You should try and get the key to the thermostat, turn it down to 60 during the summer, and up to 85 during the winter.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Heh. If our thermostat worked, we wouldn't all need the space heaters.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I find that if you short an electrical outlet, you can start a pretty warm fire with all those flyers and memos the boss leaves every Earth Day…

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

At my old office I'm pretty sure that was the normal standard. Always way too hot when it was cold out, and way too cold when it was hot.

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

UGH these people. So agree.
This morning I was behind one of their kind, who had that bumpersticker that says "Restore the Republic–Revolt against Socialism!" and all I wanted to do was slam into his car repeatedly until I pushed him into a tree, resulting in his car bursting into flames. Only I didn't want to harm a tree.
I'm sure he would just love that anti-Earth Day crapola.I'm sorry your CEO is an idiot.

paulabflat April 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

if it weren't for our amazing powers of constraint, they're be wounded cars all over town.

i so know what you're talkin' 'bout.

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I assume your CEO won't mind if you print out 5000 copies on the company laser printer and leave them at communist bus stops to spread the word, right? Consuming resources has no cost, after all.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Oooh, nice one.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Have I told you lately how much I hate that your internet connection is speedier than mine?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Ya know what's worse? Your tax dollars pay for that high-speed server.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Maybe she got too close to the strontium-90 they used as an herbicide under the transmission lines?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

"Stupid Republicans and their Rural Electrification Project. Oh wait."

Although it did save the guys in "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

[yes, I realize that Rural Electrification was a Democratic project; I just like that movie]

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

It's bonifide.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

Is there anything about making me a fucking sandwich in there? Didn't think so. FAIL!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Baconzgood in a sandwich. Mm, mmm, tasty!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Don't worry about the wind lady, cause you blow, hard.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Insert Dumb Blonde Joke here.

75orLess April 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

The dark spot in the middle of that bleached-out thistle makes me very nervous.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Relax, it's just the coin slot.

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Perhaps the carpet doesn't match the drapes.

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm

That's where the "'Tard Talking Points" cassette is inserted.

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

She's banking on the wind not blowing to prove her reasonableness?

Good luck with that.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Wouldn't a lack of wind be a symptom of climate change?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there is no such thing as "lack of wind," since what we perceive as "wind" is merely the equalizing of air pressure zones, as cold air rushes in to replace heated air that rises, etc., ad infinitum ad nauseam.

Unless she's referring to her brain farts, of course.

PeaceWithHonor April 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I'm so sick of these people. Is there a way to accelerate the rapture?

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:36 pm

BUILD THE DANG TEMPLE.

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Seriously. The god vacuum is late.

imissopus April 26, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I've been saying for years that God called it off and didn't tell anyone for the lulz.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yeah, she's one mean vicious bitch, that god.

TheMightyHaltor April 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Wingnuts think the Rapture is a reward for them. It's actually a reward for us.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Shh, don't tell them, they won't want to go!

Native_of_SL_UT April 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Bad news. The Rapture already happened, but since Steve Guttenberg is the only person who disappeared, nobody noticed.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

WHO?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Oh, stop, now you're just going to get everyone's HOPES up and everything.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Hey! Another person we can call "that cunt."!!

valthemus April 26, 2012 at 8:00 pm

C – Conservatives! Just point and laugh!
U – The only one who can prevent forest fires!
N – NOBODY should listen to shit heads like Janine Turner
T – I'm Tired of Typing

BornInATrailer April 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Perusing that horseshit is an example of true dedication by the Editrix.

EDIT: I originally used culling until I realized that culling implies there are good bits within. My bad.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Actually, I think she was a 'winger even before Victoria Jackson.

spends2much April 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

What kind of toxic blonde dye are these chicks using?? It's clearly seeping into the cerebral cortex of Janine, Victoria, and Callista G.

Thanks for moving the debate forward, Janine; those are some reasonable, not-at-all crazy points you're making there.

And if the wind doesn't blow, perhaps a bunch of Republican gasbags like Rush and Newt can fart in unison- that should get the windmills going!

mrpuma2u April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

These wingnut freaks probably can't get the liberal gayz to do their color, and there are only so many log cabin hairdressers to go around.

Pajamas media, who sent Joe the Plunger to Israel as a foreign correspondent. I see their contributor quality remains consistent.

spareme April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

All the Stepford Wives come with perfectly dyed hair. In this case, clearly the dye as leaked into its hard drive.

OldWhiteLies April 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

And ta think back when I had less of the olds, and NE was on (an amazging koinkydinky), I actually thought that she was the hottest brunette on the teevees. Those eyes and that cute little bob doo she had going had me in dreamyland.

Now, yichky blechhy, just ewww. I feel so, so … betrayed, and soiled, and pass the all-over bleach, cuz, just ewww. Cuz eww. And eww. Eww

CalamityJames April 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Bitch can't even wear a flag pin. What's her problem with 'merikkka again?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

And hey, it's not like you can actually "see" the wind, so how do you really know it exists?

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Her mouth is open?

MrFizzy April 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm

High winds predominate on the edge of the earth.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Gusty Winds May Exist?

(or not)

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:43 pm

wind blows, windmills go 'round – who can explain it?

jodyleek April 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Janine, you got knocked up by Jerry Jones' son while he was still married, I believe. So, don't go waving your boney old claw at me about your superiority, you sad old sea hag!

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

THOSE are the kinds of family values that our GOP is known for.

jodyleek April 26, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Do as I say, not as I screw.

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Sorta pretty on the outside, WAY ugly on the inside!

Exhausted66 April 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Needs moar Jesus Yoga! http://youtu.be/A_t5jApEYJ0

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

OMG!
I could only takes one minute of that cheesy shit!!
(Renaming that foreign sounding stuff after the bible? Too funny!)

Stevola April 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

A whole minute? You have nerves of steel!

Midway117 April 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Good God — they renamed all the poses to Christian-y things. I am now a proud Satanist.

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Christ on a jizz biscuit. There's enough Vaseline on that lens to fuck a whole limo-full of rentboys.

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

Nostrildamus April 26, 2012 at 3:19 pm

NEEDS MOAR BLOOD 'N SKULLZ!!!

FNMA April 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

This is sad. Yet another case of a person in the last stages of moose syphilis. Just terrible…

GuanoFaucet April 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

O: Oh for fuck's sake.

Schmannnity April 26, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Apparently, even acting in a series with a setting in Alaska is enough to impart the stupid.

NorthStarSpanx April 26, 2012 at 3:37 pm

It was filmed in Washington State thank you very much. What show has you flying from Sleetmute to Juneau in 30 minutes in a Piper?

"Government fails when it mandates the market. See Solyndra."

Government fails when it mandates the market. "See Palin's Mat-Maid."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/09/03/584429/-

HarryButtle April 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Hell, I have a few clients in Alaska and I can feel my IQ dropping when I speak to them on the phone.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Fuck. First Frasier and now this. Another good show from the 90's I'll never be able to enjoy in reruns.

Thanks a lot, bitch.

I'd better get Twin Peaks in the Netflix queue before I find out Michael Ontkean is a Bircher.

BornInATrailer April 26, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I hadn't realized Kelsey endorsed fucking Bachmann until this moment.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Throw in Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond) and stupid Kurt Warner (now retired St. Louis/AZ QB). The only reason I still watch Frasier re-runs is I'm pretty sure David Hyde Pierce (Niles) is gay & I figure that just ate at Kelsey's spleen.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Gay or not, he's a freaking comic genius. Love that guy.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

If you ever have a chance to rent "Wolf" (the Jack Nicholson movie), he was awesome in it. The movie was good popcorn fun, anyway.

Also, David Hyde Pierce was on some show to promote a movie where he did a voice-over (Ants? A Bug's Life?), and they showed a picture of his character, a stick insect.
Niles: That's a good picture of me; I look thin.

not that Dewey April 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Osmosis Jones or GTFO.

EDIT: Yes — Bug's Life. He was the walking stick.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm

David Hyde Pierce was simply awesome in The Perfect Host, and if you haven't seen it yet, hie thee to Netflix or thy nearest video/streaming outlet forthwith. It's well worth watching.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He is wonderful and the only reason that show was so good.

Obviously I could care less if he is gay or not. I just figure it bothered 'Christian values Kelsey'–although the way he dumped Camille & knocked up that flight attendant who is about 22 years old probably got some demerits taken away when he ends up in heaven/hell?

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Sorry, I wasn't implying anti-gay bias on your part. But I disagree with him being the only reason the show was good. You don't want to discount the scriptwriters with their classic screwball comedy skills. And pretty much the entire cast on the show was good, including Kelsey Grammer.

But who knew his portrayal of a bombastic, self-important blowhard ass came from the heart? I had just assumed he was a good actor.

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Hyde Pierce is in fact gay. He got married to his hubby in California just days before Prop 8 was passed, so he along with George Takei are a few of the celebrities personally affected by the vote.

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

He's adorable IMO, too (I have a penchant for short, blonde intelligent & talented men).
And re: Kelsey–what is it with these republicans? They marry multiple stripper wives, partake of hillbilly heroin and make headlines as out of control-can't hold their liquor lushes, yet they embrace the party of "family values"? Am I missing something?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Conservatard "values" means you try to hide it. Simple as that.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

But Frasier and Northern Exposure were actually good while Raymond was awful and so isn't ruined.

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Ruining Raymond would be like taking a piss on a turd.

AlterNewt April 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

That was breathtaking.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I know–I admit to liking some of the episodes. But I also enjoy some of King of Queens so what do I know about quality teevee?

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Raymond was like Home Improvement, funny for the first 4 episodes and then you started getting this feeling of deja vu.
Plus, Patricia Heaton has nice tits.

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

fake, IIRC

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

A) Niles is gay and out; I've seen him on a couple of talk shows,
B) Everybody loves Raymond is a fairly crappy show, anyway; I like[d] Peter Boyle, but not enough to make the rest of the show worth sitting through.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Re: Pierce

a) He came out about five years ago

b) Buy….do not rent, buy The Perfect Host

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The Perfect Host was awesome.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Truly. I couldn't decide whether to piss myself laughing or piss myself from sheer fear half the time.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I just hope Mark Linn-Baker from Perfect Strangers doesn't go nuts. That show is a guilty pleasure of mine.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

DONT BE RIDICULOUS.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Even if Mark Linn-Baker were to go off the deep end, Balki is still amazing. He talks mad shit about Hollywood and doesn't give a flying fuck.

Mumbletypeg April 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Peaks… before I find out Michael Ontkean is a Bircher

Not sure what it implies for his political stance — probably nothing — but Laura Palmer's dad has a part in the upcoming "Atlas Shrugged" sequel.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Maybe he's still possessed by Bob?

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2012 at 7:13 pm

More like just plain desperate for work. He hasn't had a lot of good gigs since Lynch hand-picked him for Leland Palmer. I did enjoy his work in (of course) various Star Trek episodes.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat.
Have them study the Bush Administration.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I would like to live in this America that the wingnuts say that this country has become in the last three years.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:06 pm

*sigh*

So much for fapping to this post. She always portrayed intelligent women, but I guess it was all an act.

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 12:20 pm

There was that movie where she died in the first 10 minutes and poor Sylvester Stallone was forced to grieve her death for the next two god-awful hours. Thinking of that movie makes me want to punch my husband for making us go see that.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Was that the rope climbing movie, Cliffhanger?

That wasn't Turner that died.

If it's any consolation, she was balling Sly during the movie, so I think she's had a little punishment for being Janine

sewollef April 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

My wife's a former costume designer for Broadway and some movies… and I love hearing her stories about famous actors.

Her experience is that pretty much all actors are dumb as fence posts and incredibly narcissistic — they're not as articulate as fence posts however, unless they're talking about themselves.

She has a couple of exceptions to that rule, one being John Malkovich who she costumed many times and is a friend of. She describes him as scarily cerebral… and a nice guy.

Most other — now famous — actors she said she wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

As you can assume from my nym, I've shared that experience with your wife.

I've known a couple pre- and postfame who managed to keep their wits about them. The trouble with acting is, because you're so damned vital to the show, you get treated like royalty.

The other trouble with acting is, you can be replaced.

Put both those together, it's no wonder actors are paranoid douchebags (myself included)

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I know someone who used to work as a writer on the sitcom Roseanne. He was one of the writers who was fired and rehired by her repeatedly. He can tell people these truly horrifying stories about what it was like to work for her. The stuff that was reported in the press about her behavior? That wasn't the worst of it. After he was fired by her for the umpteenth time, he said fuck it, moved back to VA from LA, and pretty much retired, mostly for his health & to talk care of his aging parents. He'd already been doing stand-up for years before the Roseanne job. But he says it was his experience working on that show that broke him.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Dark dark dark black dark Democrats. I see what she did there.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I don't even want to know what her position is on English-only.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Reverse cowgirl with fisting

bikerlaureate April 26, 2012 at 6:18 pm

You can't really be an actor. Too clever by half.

(Or, props to your assistant…)

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Don't you mean "Engleesh" only?

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 2:54 pm

The limit of my "English only" is Limey Lizzie.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Awesome.

DaveJ April 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Once she learns to speak it, she will be for it.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Judgiing from this gibberish, it's clear that she's opposed to it at present.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes.
Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional

Imma just quickly point out that, if not FOR gubmint, Jeanine, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LECTRICITY, you dumb hick!

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Nuh-uh, because Reagan.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I've been working on a small-scale solar project here at home because, hello, Mojave Desert, but the sun quit shining and the fucking wind hasn't stopped for 2 1/2 months, so I can't get back on the roof to install the panels for fear of them ending up in Utah or Arizona. I'm sure if I chose wind power instead, I'd be stuck in the doldrums and burned up by the sun.

Obviously, I blame Al Gore.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Whatever you do, for God's sake, don't install both! You could cross the streams.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I am a poor, and photovoltaic is way cheaper, so no need to worry about me shorting out the time-space continuum or anything.

Sir_Fartz_Alot April 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

but what if the sun stops shining? you're screwed then. you'll be begging for a lump of coal.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:21 pm

A Dilbert cartoon I always remember: Sue me, I like the word "nippy".

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"Whatever you do, for God's sake, don't install both! You could cross the streams."
Is that like when you have a menage-oh-three with two hot guys and their trucknutz accidentally touch?

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 1:36 pm

You know how when you put two magnets together and their polarity matches, they leap apart?

Same principle.

But I mean, if you want to experiment, I'm pretty hot…

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Someone's anal bleaching has gone rogue.

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Sometimes, I just LOVE Wonkette.
Thnx, wsr, you've said it all!

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"If loving Wonkette as much as I do is wrong, I don't want to be right"

Rachel Maddow

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Oh Rachel, If I were gay, I would totally have an immense crush on you.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 5:14 pm

A dyke-tyke, eh?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 5:13 pm

No shit. Er, oh, never mind.

bumfug April 26, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"“the Democrats, not able to defend their wiles with wisdom, will attack the Republican women’s character. They know that Democrats cannot have a reasonable conversation…"
Aaaa, sez you, ya dog-fuckin' twat.

philpjfry April 26, 2012 at 12:08 pm

How are people like this allowed on their own? If she was any dumber her involuntary muscles would stop.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

We can hope, can't we?

sewollef April 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

"How are people like this allowed on their own?"

She wears adult diapers.

That way if she has an accident, like oh, vomiting verbal diarrhea from her mouth [or from talking out of her arse], she's covered. If you get my meaning.

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 12:08 pm

T-Twunt.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I guess she went nuts after that nice Jewish New Yorker doctor left her to fail at having a career in movies.

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Oh yeah, old "whatsisname." He made the same mistake as "whatsername" from Cheers, and "that guy" from NYPD Blue.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

He did have a pretty long run on that show "Numb3rs", though.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

He's done two seasons on Entourage as whatisface's attorney

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"You know, that guy who looks like a Creamsicle" — "My Name is Earl"

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

It's interesting that he's scrubbed from her Wiki entry….can't imagine who might have done that….

I mean, she even edited out that she was engaged to Alec Baldwin back in the eighties. That;s some hard-core scrubbing.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

How about the porn years? I mean, some people have said, she did hard-core porn, according to someone I overheard in a crowd who was claiming they saw it on the innernet.

prommie April 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Has she ever denied that she was Glen Beck's accomplice on that rape and murder he never denied?

paulabflat April 26, 2012 at 1:04 pm

yeah. she hasn't denied it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

GIRLFRIEND? Seriously. Could you be any more of a pathetic closet case? This bitch was pinging my gaydar hard back in the nineties. Mmmmm, flannel …

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Bet she's a fundamentalist Christian, too.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Yoga For Jesus. Someone posted the link here.

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Check out the "Jesus Yoga" above.
(And yes, there is a "Moses" position.)

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

All she needs is yoga blocks shaped like tablets to accompany her craptastic DVD.

Radiotherapy April 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Tits or GTFO.

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Would not bang. I liked Hollis' chick better, anyway.

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Marilyn Whirlwind. Oh yeah, baby.

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm

She became a maniacal Christian fundie after doing that terrible movie with Sylvester Stallone that ended her career, and frankly, who can blame her after that?

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

An experience like that would bring just about anybody to Jesus.

Only thing worse would have been making a movie with Steven Segal. Or Chuck Norris.

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Well, Steven Seagal made movies with Marg Helgenberger and Sharon Stone, and they seem to be doing all right.

Point taken, though. I have an unnatural fondness for Cliffhanger because of Michael Rooker and John Lithgow, but it really is a shit movie.

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm

What kind of cult do these people belong to?

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Um..Republican.

gullywompr April 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I think it's far more insidious than just a simple political party. I don't move in their circles, but they must be meeting in basements, speaking in hushed tones, passing out leaflets, and just totally brainwashing each other. It's just this side of a doomsday cult. SRSLY.

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

No there you go, attacking characters of Decent Moral Peoples. You should be thanking the Constitution for your lecktrick getting strung, you candle blowing hater!

MrFizzy April 26, 2012 at 2:28 pm

It's called the half of 'merca cult.

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 3:24 pm

The cult of Uncorrected Personalities (that prove to be ugly in a fully-grown adult).

Aridzona April 26, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Northern Exposure? How about over exposure? As for the look, I liked her better when carbs were still a part of her diet.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Oh. She's from Texas.

Well, that explains a lot.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?

She's right. I can never ever remember the power grid failing. Nope. Not once in my life. Cable never goes out either.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

No nuclear plant has ever seized up.

BTW, isn't today the anniversary of Chernobyl?

Antispandex April 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Why do the conservatives keep bringing up the constitution? They have absolutely no interest in reading it or living by it….unless they get some pubic hair finder to tell them "what it means".

OldWhiteLies April 26, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Yes. And while they MAY (I want to stress that MAY big time) have some real arguments about some on the left regarding that 1st amendment (though I am most certainly being very generous here), they seem to TOTALLY IGNORE that Shrub-years-and-beyond total destruct of the FOURTH amendment.

So every time I hear some teatardy screwball going all constitutiony and shit for ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND ARGUMENTS, I just tell them to come back and talk to me when I get my 4th amendment rights fully restored. Not that our current preznit has helped either. But still and all … GEEZE this shit just depresses the FUCK out of me.

Well world, at least I hand you a single bright, funny, compassionate, progressive, ready-to-get-involved 19yo offspring with which to help balance the scales. May he get to my age of fifty without seeing it all fall.

Sorry for my mellow harshing. I really REALLY needs a happy – or mebbe just an OK …

bikerlaureate April 26, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them.

The projection is flawless.

JustPixelz April 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"Knowledge is power …"

Fox viewers are powerless!
That's why Repubican light bulbs run on their owner's smartness.
Knowledge is also for snobs, I am told.

"… and reason is a civic responsibility."

As is selfishness — Ayn Rand.
Mitch McConnell is supports reasonableness unless it helps Obama.
Don't forget the responsibility to pay for your own vaginal probes.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

#sheblowsalot

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Oh, and girlfriend? I will cut a bitch if any of that shit starts up at the dinner table.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

That's definitely a guide on how to talk like a Republican:


A Republican-controlled U.S. Congress finally passed the 19th Amendment.
During the ratification process, eight of the nine states that did not ratify the amendment had Democrat-controlled state legislatures.

Don't mention which states, just allow your listener to assume it was the liberal states like CA, NY, MA, etc.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

As if the Republicans of 1920 had ANY similarities to the same party of today. Likewise, Democrats. Same thing happens to a lake when the water heats up and too much algae forms–it flip-flops.

BarackMyWorld April 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

LINCOLN WUZ A REPUBLICAN~!!!11!!11

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

She is looking amazingly like Orly Taitz, if you think about it.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Not enough eyeshadow, but dayum!

WunkRocker April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Alt. Txt. Gold.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I hate to say this….Even though she's a schmuck I still liked her in Northern Exposure.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

She was awfully good in that show. Oddly, when she was briefly selling Chevrolets, I thought she stunk.

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Plenty hot back then, though – just shilling for shite cars, which dampened my ardor somewhat

CrunchyKnee April 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Needz moar TruckNutz for Jesus!

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

What if the oil doesn't pump?

WunkRocker April 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Pray harder.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

That's just silly. The very idea that we can't extract 80 million barrels of oil every day forever is just ridiculous. One day, however, the wind will stop blowing and won't you feel stupid then? Huh?

Dr_pangloss April 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Gotcha Be Reasonable by being completely unreasonable.

Geminisunmars April 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

My first thought upon seeing this column: Not another posting about Orly Taitz.

iburl April 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?"

Then the air will be as still as the mind of a conservative.

fartknocker April 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Good Lord the stupid is thick in her diatribe. She's another dim bulb that lives in North Texas, probably on property where she's getting a royalty check from some energy company because she allowed hydraulic fracture drilling for natural gas. When her water well becomes contaminated and she has to rely on Bubba's trucking to bring her clean water, maybe she'll pull her head out of her ass and recognize the reason for environmental laws.

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant

We need to take up a collection for this poor woman and get her a decent grammar-checking word processor. Think of the starving children!

We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes.

Yeah, all that whaling was for sport.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

So, yeah, Season 3, Episode 19, "Wake-Up Call"–I kinda wish the bear had eaten Maggie now.

Even though I should know better, it's always disappointing to find out that most of what I liked about a character in a TV show was put there by the writers, not necessarily the actor portraying the character. (See also: "Jamie Buchman" vs. Helen Hunt)

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Government fails when it mandates the market. See Solyndra.

No, windnut, Solyndra failed because the invisible hand of Communist China dumped shitloads of cheap solar panels onto the market. It's because solar power is now cheap and accessible for a wide group of people that Solyndra failed as a company. Maybe if the government did mandate the solar industry, cheap Chinese solar panels wouldn't have flooded the market, you bubble-headed bleached blond.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

China's government subsidies made ours look miniscule by comparison. That's what gave their solar industry the massive early lead.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

You go GURL! *snaps fingers in a Z motion*

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

No no, it failed because of Obama; this is also a huge scandal somehow instead of just something that kind of happened.

fartknocker April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I love you. China spends 8% of its GDP on R&D, while we in the great US, the best country on Earth spends only 2% of our GDP on research, and that's predominantly on defense.

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Is she the one that wrote that book I heard about, The Janine Turner Diaries?

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I hear it was ghost written.

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Casper libel!

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Wasn't that Ike Turner?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

No, that was Ted Turner.
Janine Turner is responsible for Turner's Syndrome, a condition which causes females to have abnormal sex chromosomes and a webbed neck:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turner_syndrome

SteveMcCroskey April 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'd like to know the cast of NYPD Blue's opinion on American foreign policy in the Middle East.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Yes, I'm sure that when the stupidest person you know tries to convert you to being conservative, you'll just be totally convinced.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Especially when they use persuasive and well-documented arguments like:

"Democrats Want Us to Be in the Dark."

ManchuCandidate April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

When I first saw Northern Exposure, I said it was going to spawn the stupid that would ruin US America. Thanks Janine, you made my prophesy come true.

Poindexter718 April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I have to say, she's got a point. To paraphrase another deep thinker of the right: "You can't explain why the wind blows," so who's to say it will keep doing so?

timbo71351 April 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

This is depressing. She was pretty hot back in the day. If Winona Ryder turns out to be a teabagger, I'm jumping off a bridge.

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Winona Ryder – hottest little thing in heels.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

These bullet points are fascinating:

ObamaCare ends the superiority of our health care.

By what measure, dear? "Obamacare" is mandating real clinical measures so we can actually compare our health care system to others, and the results aren't looking good. If we had just not mandated that data, we wouldn't know and we could continue to say "we have the best in the world!" and nobody could prove us wrong.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"If we had just not mandated that data, we wouldn't know and we could continue to say "we have the best in the world!" and nobody could prove us wrong."

That's exactly what that means, even if Blondie doesn't realize it, and I'm guessing she doesn't.
As long as we're relying on opinion and sentiment, we can all just mindlessly chant, "USA! USA!!", regardless of whether we're actually better or worse. Once we have facts and a basis of comparison, *the ILLUSION of* "the superiority of our health care" can't be maintained — or at least not without some really determined fantasizing.

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Facts? I don' got to show you no stinkin' facts!

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 12:33 pm

So sad, when a soul leaves the body before death.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"Want your child to sit in the dark? Be a Democrat."

Want your child to live in the *Dark Ages*? Be a Republican.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant

Why, yes, I know I go around saying this every day. It's why I give money to the ACLU.

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I just read it was the ACLU that got Col. Ollie North's felony conviction overturned.

Is that really true?

Why don't Sheer InSannity, Off-the-Mark Levin or Boss BlunderRush ever mention that?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Yup. Civil liberties is for everyone, even scumbags. Offer somebody immunity for testifying to Congress, and you can't use the same evidence at trial. Part of that "Constitution" thing that we liberals don't even think matters.

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

It's like her ass has a bad case of Tourrette's.

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It's that 'butt-scootin' eatsbabydingoes mentioned last thread.

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

In that photo Ms. Turner has that "You want me to do WHAT?" look.

Also.

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Yes Janine – anal

Tundra Grifter April 26, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Like Scotch and asparagus, definately an acquired taste.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Yellow cake, coming right up!

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Sorry. You do have that birthday glow about you.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them."

Among all the myriad other things wrong with this sentence, it's Argument by Assertion, which is a logical fallacy (tee hee). When her village gets electricity, Blondie will get thrown out of any newsgroup on the innertoobs in about three seconds with an approach this lame.

prommie April 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

The classic "argumentum O'Reillyum."

hagajim April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Methinks this wench suffered some northern exposure of the brain. Interesting though, the show was filmed in Washington state, which is one of the bastions of liberalism in America.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Yeah, but rural Washington = Alabama without the annoying accents.

OldWhiteLies April 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Yep. I was born here and still live here. BSFD iz On The Money. It's them damn maintains. They keep the clouds here longer and keep the libsmarts from flowing freely east.

One state, two very distinct cultures.

unclejeems April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

There seems to be a connection between Alaska and dumb.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes.
Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional.
Government fails when it mandates the market. See Solyndra.
Our electricity is being compromised before alternatives are viable and accessible.
Obama and the Democrats want us to be awash in windmills."

Jesus, it's like listening to a six year old describe a movie they just saw.

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

OMFG you nailed it.

OldWhiteLies April 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Indeed. One rated PG with subplots and stuff where the grownups do grownuppy things that are hard to unnerstand.

Terry April 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"G: Get Reasonable. Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat.
Knowledge is power and reason is a civic responsibility.
Our United States Constitution is the law of the land.
Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them."

Girlfriend is mixing up her stereotypes here.

Democrats are supposed to be the ones who like big government and lots 'o laws that put an undue burden on poor old job creators. Democrats are supposed to LIKE restrictions, honey.

Knowledge is power, absolutely, which is why facts show that evolution has occurred and continues to occur, and that human activities are causing climate change.

What kind of GOP or tea bagger columnist is she going to be if she can't stick with their script?

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Democrat also know that torture is breaking the law. It matters.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Republicans don't like laws against torture, because it restricts them.

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hey now! There are decontamination procedures that have to be followed! I'm sure they'll get there in some half-life or other!

Mumbly_Joe April 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Not mention solar power! I mean, what happens if the sun doesn't rise one day?

And other renewable power sources! What happens if the planet stops being a source of heat, or if gravity reverses???? And what if all of those things happen suddenly all at once???!!?!?!?!?!

These are obviously completely feasible scenarios that are not remotely far-fetched, and thus they completely invalidate any effort to shift our energy sector away from fossil fuels in any way shape or form, even a little bit. And, making electricity would be the biggest problem we would have, in these hypothetical doomsday scenarios, also too.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

And hey, solar power is a waste of time since the sun is gonna blow up in just five billion years, so obviously we should keep just using fossil fuels.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

"What happens if the planet stops being a source of heat, or if gravity reverses???? And what if all of those things happen suddenly all at once???!!?!?!?!?"

OMG, I would be a frozen Tessie-sicle!
*thinks*
However, I would also be weightless.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"Obama and the Democrats want us to be awash in windmills.
What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?"

*waves hand*
Ooh, I know!
Call on me!
If the wind doesn't blow, we'll all be in the dark, and we won't be able to see that Obama is blah, which has been his muslin soshulist master plan all along.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

December 21 can't come soon enough.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That's some weapons-grade Stupid there. She's a nice example of being so far from an actual argument that she's Not Even Wrong

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Thanks for this new concept, which I have a feeling I'll be using more than once in the foreseeable future.
Thanks also for introducing me to rational wiki, ditto on the foreseeable future.
Somehow, it sounded like something from TV tropes, also an awesome website and black hole for spare time.

Butch_Wagstaff April 26, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I'm thinking about getting into the game of writing for the RW now using a pseudonym. Y'know for shits & giggles. But I don't think I could possibly rise (or lower?) myself to their particular level of nonsensical gibberish.

Gleem McShineys April 26, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Democrat think 2 + zebra ÷ glockenspiel means WIND ALWAYS BLOWS!!

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"We did not blow out our candles till we had electricity strung in our home."

What the fuck does that even mean?

Did you Ass-tards just sit there in front of a birthday cake and wait for someone to invent electricity?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Also, why was it "strung"? Was their electricity used exclusively for Christmas lights?

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

She certainly has adoring fans on that site. All of them agree, "Duh, libruls is so stoopid."

WonkCynic April 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Guzzle your kool-aid, mother fuckers! Sit back in your recliner and watch the show as a bunch of pigs in suits sell out the futures of your children by signing all sorts of legislation that slowly turns over the controls to a sordid group of sick fuckers on an international stage. Your children will inherit a world full of shit, but YOU are not the traitors! Not you! You are just gullible partisan fuck heads! Just like your parents! Gulp it down, little Amerikan piggies! Bottom's up! Big Bruddah's gonna fuck you with his poison pen and all of the shiny new surveillance equipment that your tax money has been purchasing. Thank the loser in the mirror the next time you stop by to adore your reflection.

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Big Bruddah's gonna fuck you with his poison pen

Does the poison pen vibrate? Or is it at least ribbed for my pleasure?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

"a bunch of pigs in suits sell out the futures of your children by signing all sorts of legislation that slowly turns over the controls to a sordid group of sick fuckers on an international stage."

A bit of preaching to the choir, there?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:43 pm

(He means THE JEWS)

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Oh.
I was thinking the massive transfer of wealth and control to the corporations and the 1% that's been going on since the Raygun years.
Silly me.

not that Dewey April 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

SHHH! THE JEWS MIGHT HEAR YOU

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Sheesh, dude, try the decaf!

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?"

Somewhere, Bob Dylan is having a good laugh at this bimbo's expense.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I should probably note that the daughter of the actress who played Ruthanne on Northern Exposure is the minister at the Boise Unitarian church.

Ruthanne was always the smart one.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Ruthanne was indeed the Mister Haney of our generation.

Serolf_Divad April 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

One thing you can say about conservative celebrities: they may be washed up has-beens, but at least they're stupid.

Republicans supported the 19th Amendment, extending voting rights to America’s women.

You know it's a winning argument when your most recent example of the wonderful things the GOP has done for women is from something they did in1920.

Democrats do not think the people can govern, provide, or think on their own.

That's right. Those idiot Democrats actually believe that the people can't govern without the Government's help!

The taxes paid to the government from these resources could pay off our debt within a generation.

So… 16 trillion dollars in gas taxes over the next 20 year's? Has she told Grover Norquist about this plan of hers.

China is invading our country through cyberspace, political correctness, and economic and military naiveté.

How the Hell did those Chinks get their hands on Military Naivete? There's a mole at the Pentagon!

Our electricity is being compromised before alternatives are viable and accessible.

Alternatives to what? Electricity? Are you from planet Earth, lady?

Two years after ObamaCare was passed, no branch of government can decipher the 2,700-page bill.

Really? So right after making up a bunch of shit about all the horrible things that are in the Health Care Reform Act you're going to turn around and be all "No one even knows what's in the bill because no one can read it!" Honey, can't you see a little problem with that?

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I know that when I need guidance on political correctness, China is the go to…

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"How the Hell did those Chinks get their hands on Military Naivete?"

Now I'm picturing Military Naivete as a Bettie Page/Vargas/Sailor Jerry bimbo in a very short khaki uniform, giggling and drinking Mai Tais while sitting in Mao's lap.

Jeri 2.0 April 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

You know who else wrote a long-winded manifesto of psychotic ramblings?

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Stephenie Meyer?

GlowneyHouse April 26, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Valerie Solanas?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Ayn Rand?

Jeri 2.0 April 26, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Yes, yes, yes, and yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of Ted Kaczynski. Damn, I bet he and Ayn would have made beautiful music together, but some really homely babies.

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Rachel Ray!

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

The Allman Brothers?

SheriffRoscoe April 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Pointless acronyms are so. Fucking. DUMB.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I've had about enough of this post. Anybody needs me, I'll be down there V, gazing at pasties.

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Gawd, I loved Janine in the Northern Exposure days. She was funny, smart, and sexy. I am so disappointed in what has happened to her since. It's like she doesn't have a clue.

Radiotherapy April 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm

C. Crazy Cunt

Mumbly_Joe April 26, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You know who else tilted at windmills/the Dutch?

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Don Quixote?

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Austin Powers?

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Santorum's new company, manufacturing "do not euthanize" bracelets?

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I hate to cast a taint on everyone's day, but it looks like Paul Ryan is no longer pity-fucking Ayn Rand's corpse for her:
http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2012/04/26/4717

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

No, please do not cast a taint.
Cast Persians if you must cast *something*, but don't cast a taint.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Republicans supported the 19th Amendment, extending voting rights to America’s women.

And, by a maniacal campaign of howling about same-sex bathrooms etc. the people who now represent the mainstream of the Republican party ensured that the Equal Rights Amendment would fall three states short of ratification.

(The wildly radical idea that Phyllis Schlafly coordinated the defeat of? Here it is:

Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.

Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.

Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification)

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I don't know what's more blowful, the fact that we couldn't pass an *Equal Rights Amendment*, for fuck's sake!, or the fact that we needed one in the first place.

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Don Quixote de la .. um.. Hapsburg?

Jus_Wonderin April 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"…and if the old wind don't blow, I gonna buy her a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing, I gonna buy her that tranvaginal ultrasound thing…"

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 2:05 pm

…yeah yeah
wo wo wo wo wo

Redgyal April 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Ugh. I share a birthday with this woman. What happened to her?

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I feel your pain, as I share a birthday with Nancy Grace.

Redgyal April 27, 2012 at 7:16 am

Sorry to hear that. Just my opinion but you know who else is heading in this direction but hasn't gotten there yet? Brad and Angie. Have you noticed her hair getting blonder recently? Future Fox News correspondent.

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Happy radiation poisoning, Cherny! Hope you have a brilliant day.

ElPinche April 26, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Wow. How does one go from bangable pixie to an unfuckable Schafly who hangs out with the semi-r3tarded Jackson ?

HELisforHEL April 26, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Q.:
Do all republican women have to wear that haircut? She used to have a great 'do back on Northern Exposure. Is it because the repugs fear short haired gals?

spareme April 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm

What worries me is people of her ilk will probably eventually one day start doing after-death conversions, like the Mormanzites do. Cuz – baptism and all, whats the difference. I'll be really pissed if someone converts me to a wingtard when I'm dead, leavingme to spend all eternity with her and other idiots. Hell is beginning to look good.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Are you a minor celebrity with a fading star? Can't bear the thought of actually having to find a real job and become a productive member of society? Hi, I'm Ted Nugent, you might remember me from minor AOR hits of the 1970s such as "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" and "Cat Scratch Fever". My career was washed up and over in 1979, and I was reduced to hanging around with losers like Tommy Shaw and that Night Ranger douchebag, Jack Blades in one of those piece of shit "supergroups" that some asshole suit at a record company thought up. I thought that it was over and I was going to spend the rest of my life touring Indian casinos with those assholes until I would finally jam a 12 gauge shotgun in my mouth and take the sweet surcease of hot, leaden death rather than having to play "High Enough" ever again. Things were looking bleak indeed. But now, thanks to the modern conservative movement I'm still in the spotlight and still getting gigs and instead of spending my time with assholes and losers like Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades I'm spending my time with assholes and losers like Piers Morgan and Sean Hannity.

My new course, "Find Your Inner Nuge: How to Get Rich off of Dumb Bigots" can show even the lamest of celebrities how to make money and stay on stage playing to conservative audiences pissed off about the fact that we have a black president." A few years ago Gallagher was a pathetic, washed up hack of a prop comedian who was such a loser that he had his ass handed to him by failed transsexual and plastic surgery disaster Carrot Top. Before he found his inner Nuge Gallagher was living in a dumpster and blowing Mexican day laborers to support his crack habit. But now that he's found his inner Nuge Gallagher is touring again and knocking them dead in minor venues such as the Admiral Theatre in downtown Bremerton, Washington and has enough money rolling in to support his crack habit, so now when he blows Mexican day laborers it's a choice, not because he has to.

After years of bad career decisions Janine Turner was completely irrelevant, Just another ex-model who lucked into an acting gig and then completely blew it. But now that the's found her inner Nuge she's a rising conservative superstar with a gig at Pajamas Media.

Do you have what it takes to find your inner Nuge? You won't know until you try. For just 800 payments of $99.99 each I can show you how to find your inner Nuge, and if you order now you'll also receive, absolutely free, an American flag pin, American flag T-shirt, a complete set of shiny dog-whistles and an autographed copy of my latest solo album "Gun Nut Fever."

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I am completely awe-stricken.

Well, not *completely*; a little corner of my mind is wondering how you managed not to have to split this up into at least two and possibly three comments; but *mostly* awe-stricken.

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 3:03 pm

you so deserve more 'p's' than you'll get on page 3.

you are like the page 3 GIRL only no one goes to wonkette page 3…

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Bravo!
Masterful Wile E., masterful!
(I wish I had more P to give.)

emmelemm April 26, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Bremerton, Washington shoutout!

Seriously, though, pure genius.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Hells yes. I'm a Kitsap County homeboy from Port Orchard.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Awesomeness

HarryButtle April 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Damn Yankees libel!

(Actually, I think the Nuge is doing some touring with Styx…at Indian casinos…so, he's still stuck with asshole/loser Tommy Shaw.)

Brilliant post, sir.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Holy smokes!
I always knew right-wingers were dumb, but when the women start to age out of being hot, they completely lose their fucking minds, don't they?

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 2:18 pm

They were always out of their minds. You just notice it more.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm

When they're hot, you don't care if they're out of their minds.

not that Dewey April 26, 2012 at 8:20 pm

There's a bumper sticker/snorg-tee that reads "I don't care how hot she is. Someone, somewhere is sick of her bullshit."

owhatever April 26, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Newt Gingrich is very pleased with this woman. Very pleased, indeed. She has Big Ideas, like blowing out candles. Callista's getting kinda old, which is why he won't be president this time around. But with Moosilla Jr. at his side, 2016 could be bright with possibilities.

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Enjoy delivering your 63 bullet points without a teleprompter, Ms. Turner.

NorbertsRevenge April 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Dear Janine, all those earth-moving orgasms you gave me during Northern Exposure? I take them all back. NorbertsRevenge

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Is it safe to enter the Ukraine yet?

BenGleck April 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm

A what happens when the coal and oil run out, you frigging idiot? To think I used to have a crush on that bitch.

Typodong3 April 26, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I hate to say it, but shes kinda hot in that picture. Like, -I wanna bang you until all the conservative is forcibly blasted from your pores-, kinda hot.

Wonderthing April 26, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Ah fuck me, another one has a major stroke. Oh well, loved her in Northern Exposure.

fuflans April 26, 2012 at 3:22 pm

yes but did she mention incandescent light bulbs?

SolitaireRose April 26, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them. "

Noun/Verb agreement is for commie bastards!

YasserArraFeck April 26, 2012 at 3:34 pm

All that time in AK filming "Northern Exposure" really fucked her up

elgin_pelican April 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I used to like her! Ditto the Banana Splits, so, there's that.

not that Dewey April 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

How the hell do we get to 290 comments in the middle of a weekday without a troll incursion? And wonkcynic doesn't count.

Dashboard Buddha April 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

That's because wonkcynic can't count…at least not past 20 with his shoes off.

prthatrocks April 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

When a person continually makes life critical decisions based on emotion and not fact and logic, that's a major defect in reasoning. That’s the best example of insanity I can find. Ever notice how Republicans have the same defect in reasoning as alcoholics, drug addicts, and religious fanatics? Republicanism is a mental disorder… Granted this is never more true than when this affliction is found in a Republican woman. A Republican Woman? Good God, that's like a pro KKK African American or a pro Nazi Jew, especially by today's GOP misogynistic standards. But there are way too many studies recently that prove the Right Wing mind is clinically irrational. We have all been told by our mothers, "Never ague with stupidity." A Republican has to want to help themselves first in order to 'break through', otherwise you're talking to a wall, just like an alcoholic. They have to hit rock bottom before they become open to help. I have found that it usually takes six to eight years of constant effort to get a Republican to think rationally, but that's taking into account there is an iota of commonsense in their head. Another problem with Republicanism it's patriarchal. It's seared in during early childhood… The Jesuits said, 'Give me the child till they’re seven and you can have the man.' Tragically… they're broken… Just saying…

Designer_Rants April 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional.

I want to know what this constitutional scholar/former actress thinks she knows about constitutionality.

smitallica April 26, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Yes, Janine, it must be so hard for a wealthy white right-wing woman to live in the hostile environment of Dallas, Texas.

Generation[redacted] April 26, 2012 at 7:10 pm

She has to constantly worry about the social pressures of "Is my hair big enough?" and "Is my jewelry gaudy enough?"

atomicfangirl April 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Well, she could always blow me.

rocktonsam April 26, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I loved that thing she was naked in.

Wait, is that Dr. Laura?

not that Dewey April 26, 2012 at 8:18 pm

No, it's Paula Zahn.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Our United States Constitution is the law of the land.
Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them

Hey Janine, remember George W. Bush, you know George W. Bush who said "The Constitution is just a goddamned piece of paper." Remember him you talentless, pathetic, attention-seeking hack? Oh, and go back to being a brunette, with your coloring it is so obvious that the curtains don't match the carpet, if you know what I mean.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I thought the shrew in the picture was an air-brushed Dr. Laura – srsly…

Beanball April 26, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I think her brain froze back while she was on the set of Northern Exposure.

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 9:02 am

Never fucked a woman named "Janine". Now I know I'll never be able to, regardless.

miss_grundy May 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

What is about these people who were famous in the Nineties and were lefties turning into Repubs? Did they do too many drugs????

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Or if some pervert whose handwriting the boss wasn't familiar with snuck into your break room, they could just write a big "Fuck You" on every copy of the flyer.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ah, thanks for the confirmation. You're a Subpontus Alexjonseii, aren't you?

But I feel compelled to point out that you failed to mention the Illuminati. That seems like a huge oversight.

tessiee April 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Bart: The reverse vampires… [looks significantly at Milhouse] In league with the saucer people…
Milhouse: THANK you!

Texan_Bulldog April 26, 2012 at 1:49 pm

It's funny–he didn't seem to stand out that much in Cheers (or I didn't think he did). Yeah, that show was the perfect storm of talent and writers. My favorite is Peri Gilpin. Did you know Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe on Friends) was originally slated to play Roz but they pulled her at the last minute because they didn't feel she was right for it? Smart move on their part & Lisa went on to success anyway.

Mojopo April 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I haven't seen a sheeple in ages. Seeing that word again is almost like visiting a recreated colonial village, or watching fat tards in wool coats do civil war reenactments.

Also, too, chemtrails and Ascension 2012 for $500, Alex.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Body Heat. (With Tap-dancin' Ted Danson, natch)

DemmeFatale April 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

One of my girls thinks "nozzle" is a hilarious word.
(I laugh when I hear "nubbin.")

finallyhappy April 26, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I just saw Peri Gilpin in a re-run of Law and Order. She was poor and married to a paralyzed black former NFL player

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