that's not funny

GOP’s Hot New Strategy: Romney Is Boring And Sour And Full Of Malaise! (VIDEO!)

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Now put on your sweatersAn odd thing happened yesterday, once all the olds woke up at 5 a.m. and saw the clip of President Barack Obama slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon on their computers, instead of on the television as God and NBC intended. Democrats found it delightful and funny, and Republicans didn’t! That’s so weird, you guys! So the RNC figured it would take John McCain’s winning tactic of portraying Obama as a goldanged celebrity, and they would run with that. And so they put together an ad, in their ad-putting-together shop, juxtaposing BO’s baritone and sexy backup music by The Roots and Jimmy Fallon calling him “Preezy of the United Steezy” (COMMON JAZZ TALK!) with Mitt Romney talking about how Americans are tired and sad. Good plan you guys, let’s see how it plays!

Here are some of the things the RNC does not Find Funny, THANK YOU VERY MUCH: “the Barackness Monster,” Barack Obama saying “Now is not the time to make school more expensive for our young people,” and the dude from The Roots who beefed with Tina Fey (we think?) growling “POTUS with the mostess.” That is pretty offensive; even the one proper white man on the stage is talking Ebonics!

And here is Mitt, whining because he does not want to pay his taxes when you “attack success,” soulfully crying for the “millions of Americans without work,” weeping for the soldiers who are unemployed because there is no fifth deployment to Iraq to keep them busy. It breaks my heart, he says, the failed leadership and faulty vision.

That is an excellent way to fire up your base and will not at all leave them in a Prozac haze unable to move from their couches on Election Day. “Sadness” and “I’m not fun” are a terrific strategy that the Republicans should pursue forever, the end.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • freakishlywrong

    He IS full of mayonnaise, very white and oily. Oh..wait..what?

    • OneYieldRegular

      I know. You forgot the Wonderbread.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Romney has to have enough santorum on him to keep that side of the batshit crazy spectrum with him. Otherwise they might try to dig up Adolf's corpse and run that. Hitler/Palin 2012. (Like gravity, Godwin's Law still is in effect until repealed by a Republican majority)

  • slithytoves

    It's spring fer chrissakes. Who wants to be sad in spring? February, okay. Leave my spring happiness alone you buzzkillers!

  • GeneralLerong

    Sour grapes for bitter, wizened old fruits?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Thumb up for "wizened."

      Like Ole Newts' nutz. Particularly this beautiful morning.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    That worked so well for Jimmy Carter's re-election!

    Seriously, these guys all claim to worship Ronald Reagan, but they don't seem to have learned a damn thing from the man.

    Kind of like Jesus.

    • Respitetini

      Well, to give them some credit, they are doing their level best to fuck the poor people. Doesn't that count for anything anymore?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Jesus didn't fuck poor people!

        Oh. Wait…you may have a point there.

    • Chichikovovich

      They seem to have absorbed the whole "construct a version of reality based solely on wishful thinking, fantasies from old movies and 1950's John Birch pamphlets rather than than any evidence from the ("so-called") real world" thing pretty well.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Yeah, but when you don't wrap it in telegenic grandpa or doofusy ignoramus, it doesn't work so well.

    • Fare la Volpe

      They don't remember things they said not two minutes ago, which is some classic Reagan.

  • skoalrebel

    I'm all fired up about Mitt. [spit!] He likes firing people, and I like setting fire to crosses. [spit!]

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If Mitt held his arms straight out, would that confuse you?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Not as bad as the time Katrina came to New Orleans and President Bush played a note-for-note rendition of Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption" on the guitar at John McCain's 151st birthday, though.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      But you'll note Bush wasn't sad, even then.

      Remember? It took the friendly black fellow during the telethon to give Bush a sadz, saying he doesn't like blah folk…THEN his little fee-fees got all bwuised

  • larryfinexx

    Romney will add flavor to the election by nominating spicy meatball Chis Christie as a running mate.

    • chicken_thief

      If Romney/Christie win, they'll have to convert a C-5 into Air Force One to haul the fat fuck around…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    If being crabby, unpleasant and naggy worked so well for Walter Mondale, it can work for Romney.

  • Limeylizzie

    Barry makes me want to masturbate furiously and Mittens makes me want to vomit.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Boy, it's not going to be fun around your house during the debates!

    • Guppy

      Some people are into both.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I never get invited to the cool parties.

    • ttommyunger

      Considering it takes fourteen muscles to slap your monkey and only eleven to vomit, stay in shape! Watch the Barry and avoid the vominator.

  • Arken

    This is merely a precursor to his new campaign slogan- Vote for Whitey

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ohio. Richard Nixon was correct. Sooner or later, every Presidential election comes down to Ohio.

    Mr. Obama wins Ohio and he stays in the White House.

    (r)Money wins Ohio, and he moves in.

    Get over it rest of the US of A. Every four years Ohio counts.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yes, but only to three

    • Guppy

      So… Barry should shoot some college students there?

    • ingloriousbytch

      As a resident of the Buckeye state I wish what you were saying wasn't true but it is. Every four years, the candidates treat us like the hottest stripper in the club.

      • KotBR

        And then just as soon as it's over, they tip us and send us back to our abusive S/Os.

    • BerkeleyBear

      This year as in 08, Ohio is a nice win for Obama, but not absolutely necessary if he can hold on elsewhere (NC and VA, for example). But for Mitt, it is a crucial bellweather, which is why Robert Mayo Portman is getting play for Veep.

      • zumpie

        Exactly. Obama can actually squeak out a win without Ohio, VA, NC or Florida (though I'd prefer to see at least ONE of those in the win). Currently the media is trying to pretend that Romney is competitive in Colorado (no), Nevada (no), IA (based on a conservative poll 3 months ago, so unlikely) and NH (again unlikely). These 4 states, with the other 247 guaranteed blue electoral votes put the Prez at 272.

        They even know they've lost.

  • freakishlywrong

    Romney really is running as a huge, severe conservative asshole. Mittens made Newt cry ferfucksake.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'm not sure Mitt had as much to do with that as the Total Perspective Vortex that forced Newt to realize, in fact, we hate him, we really really hate him!

      • commiegirl

        Froopy dudes

    • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

      Yeah, but so did the penguin.

  • chicken_thief

    But Mitt does warm and cheerful so well – I has confuse….

  • DustBowlBlues

    " It breaks my heart, he says, the failed leadership and faulty vision."

    Wait a minute–I thought the Republics' strategy was to pretend 2000-2008 never happened. WTF?

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    I'm dull. Vote for me. Today's GOP.

    • LetUsBray

      Dull is a plus when your other attributes are Dishonest, Clueless, and Cruel.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Not even wife number three!

    • Poindexter718

      "Dear Mr. Smothers:
      Gov. Romney will only do the cameo if you will change the name of the program to 'Chuckle-In' and if he can say 'Sock it to the job creators with job-killing regulations."'"

    • Texan_Bulldog

      And white.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Mitt's only chance now is to go on Leno (again) and recreate the Jack Webb/Johnny Carson "Claude Cooper's copper clappers" routine. He won't have any trouble keeping a straight face.

  • Baconzgood

    Stezzy? Is that a Bill Cosby word?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I'm going with Michael Steele–him being such a hip black guy and all.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The New Republican Party—America's Crying Towel.

  • Tundra Grifter

    (r)Money is a cold mess.

    Meanwhile, Yahoo! begins to get it right:
    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/yahoo-news-dav

    • zumpie

      Yeah and there are 25 electoral votes listed as battleground that are pretty much assured to Obama.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    No one won the Hundred Acre Wood US America by playing Eeyor and shitting on the Tigger.

    Great job, Mittens.

    BTW Mittens, no one considers being a successful leach a good thing.

  • Shellwith2Ls

    So, Mitts running mate will be a saltine?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Too spicy. A nice bowl of milk toast is just the spitfire they need.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Dunked in water to give it some edge.

  • WiscDad

    Malaise? Is that some kind of lubricant?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      April condoms bring malaise.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Hmmm… #NotFunny, aside from being a good slogan for the Bush years, is a commonly used hashtag. When I search on it I find a mix of sour old Republicans and people talking about their pets.

  • Beowoof

    Its not like the population that will vote for him is any different. And they have bought all the bullshit the republicans have been selling, so I see this as appealing to their base.

  • chascates

    But can he find a VEEP pick as boring as he is?

    • SorosBot

      This is good news for T-Paw!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Senate minority leader Mitch "Buzzsaw" McConnell might qualify. Boehner's orange would be too bright. Romney couldn't compete with that.

    • Generation[redacted]

      This is good news for Inanimate Carbon Rod

    • BerkeleyBear

      Consider the cornucopia of choices – Rob Portman, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, Bobby Jindal (brown mayo). And Marco Rubio did his best to bland himself in his recent appearances.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Here's a morning visual for you, courtesy of POLITICO:

    THE JUICE – Eric Fehrnstrom profile in GQ, "Mitt Romney's Dark Knight," by Jason Zengerle: "Over the course of his decade with Romney, [Kevin] Madden says, Fehrnstrom has become 'a Tom Hagen figure. He's consigliere to the governor.' … If Karl Rove was Bush's brain, then Fehrnstrom is Romney's balls."

    http ://gqm.ag/JpoUig

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Is he Eric "Etch-a-Sketch" Fehrnstrom?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Eric Fehrnstrom was the model for Truck Nutz?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Somebody should have kept Mitt in the refrigerator instead of leaving him out on the counter to get stale and soggy, especially since he is full of malaise. Food safety, people!

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    What a sneaky way to brighten my morning, (AGAIN!).

  • Jus_Wonderin

    All I need to know from Mitt is…are the trees the right height?

  • noodlesalad

    It's Mourning in America. Wait, I think we're doing this wrong….

  • DustBowlBlues

    Having now watched the video, I'm wondering if this ad is meant to appeal only to Young Republicans like the bowtie-wearing piece of smarm mugging for the camera–he's over Romney right (no, our right) shoulder.

    And what's with the kid who just wants to cuddle with his dad rather than be a part of the Romney 'bot brigade? And how annoyed his dad looks when his son doesn't follow the script?

    AND you know Romney is boring when you watch the thing once and notice the oddities in the crowd more than the actual speaker. Seriously–did the DNC hack into the RNC's computer and put this Democratic ad on their computer? It just proves that all the cool kids and hipsters prefer Obama to the earnest stiff in the plastic hair.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Yeah, that little kid sure looked uncomfortable.
      Looked like he was wearing a suit.
      Poor little guy, doesn't stand a chance!

  • Baconzgood

    Dumb ad. Remember when Clinton played his sax on Arsenio? Sure lost the election for slick Willy didn't it.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Being cool is so lame.

      • Generation[redacted]

        We don't need an America that's cool. We need an America with a ginormous stick up its ass #NotFunny

        • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

          Stick up its ass = GOP
          (Seems like its always been that way.)

  • DalePues

    Jimmy Fallon has a pretty good voice. Maybe the Romney candidate can get Wayne Newton or Perry Como.

  • Toomush_Infer

    So Mitt wants to be the dust bunny of our dreams?….

  • rambone

    As any good GOPer could tell you, you lose the general election with the wooden, privileged, magic underwear wearing tool you have, not with the moronic, xenophobic, frothing, hate-filled bigot you wish you had.

    • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

      I would give this even more upfists but my arm is getting tired.

  • Schmegeg

    Cray as much as you want, Mittens. A person who sticks his money offshore to avoid taxes cannot be President.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      It would be nice if some folks on Barry's re-election campaign staff brought that up a few times. Oh and where are Mitt's tax returns? Hm? We're still waiting.

  • charliearglist

    That could easily have been made as an anti-Mitt ad…in fact I had to read the "Paid for by the National Republican Committee" tag at the end to be sure I hadn't misunderstood.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Oh, hell, most of Mitt's supporters are already living through a haze of Prozac and cheap beer. But they will nod sagely at whatever he says, and vote for the guy with the least amount of pigment.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Carter-iffic!

  • FakaktaSouth

    I hope they do this all election – next ad could be all about Mitt's sore feet and how tired he is from standing behind podiums, juxtaposed with PresO dancing with his beautiful wife. Then they can do one about Mitt's flaccid penis, and Pres O singing Al Green, one about Mitt's no-caffeine/alcohol diet next to PresO drinking a beer, just on and on. I think it perfectly encapsulates the differences. The RNC should run with this. GO Reince Priebus, GO!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Democrats getting the women's vote vs Republicans getting the caterpillar vote.

    • ttommyunger

      Your forgot "tiny".

  • SorosBot

    Why is Romney talking about unemployment when he promises policies that will make it worse?

    • Generation[redacted]

      He's just trying to contrast himself. "Half of all college grads are out of work" vs "I want to make college more affordable" — way to make the choice clear, Mittens!

    • FakaktaSouth

      Worse for whom? Most people? Americans? Obviously you are among those wanting to kick successful people in the shins for their largesse. (even though NO ONE in this country has become wealthy without a little something kicked in from the Government but whatever, nanny state lovers.)

  • sbj1964

    Mitt Romeny is so lame he makes Al Gore look like a rockstar.Can't wait till November for his beatdown.

  • GeneralLerong

    And for Veep, the re-animated corpse of Phyllis Schlafly.

    Oh, wait. She isn't medically dead yet?

  • rickmaci

    The GOTeaP strategy in the campaign is clear: get 47% of the vote while proving Romoney is the most uninteresting man in the world, then start getting ready for 2016….

  • not that Dewey

    "Vote for the other guy"

  • Gunner Asch

    I'm mostly deaf and Mitt's dogwhistling was still piercing.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    I'm confused. No snark. That was an ad for Willard Mittington McDuck? Seriously?

  • mavenmaven

    Even John McCain looked more vital than Willard does in that video. The GOP must really want the white senior vote.

  • fuflans

    a better america begins tonight

    sounds like an ad for lube.

  • owhatever

    Barry can do more with a soft "Oh, yeah" than Mitt can do on his best day ever, saying anything.

  • Callyson

    Yeah–I know I'd rather have a beer with Mittens than with the President.

    If this is the best they've got, I'm starting to feel better about November. But I still wish we did not have six bloody months to go…six more months of this crap…

  • fitley

    Romney is a piece of whitebread used as toilet paper.

  • DocChaos

    My fear is the Republicans will figure out they need to keep Romney out of his own ads, and probably Obama too.

    I expect by November it will just be random images of Clint Eastwood and Idi Amin with a baritone narrator describing the horror that awaits us come a second Obama term.

    • Generation[redacted]

      My fear is Romney will run a $10 million campaign, and anonymous corporations like this one will run a $500 million campaign.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Either that or they'll just have an ad that shows Mitt and Ann sitting on top of a hill in a pair of bathtubs.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Tell me, again, which party's most revered President was an actual celebrity; in fact, the representative for all celebrity kind, as their union leader?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Hey! #NotFunny

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Way to go after the youth vote, Mitt.

  • StealthMuslin

    The secret to elevating mediocre material to Comic Greatness: Get Republicans to say it's not funny.

  • PhilippePetain

    Why don't the Republicans just put out an ad begging their wives not to run away with That Terrible Negro again? it would be hilarious if the Republican subconscious was allowed to speak in public.

    • Veritas78

      Too late. That big Hafrican "Long Form" has already penetrated every frustrated republican wife's subconscious. They dream about him, and then they moan for him.

      You'd be cleaning your gun, too, if you were a fat white republican male. It's the one reliably hard thing in reach.

      The Barackness Monster is Barry White. He knows what buttons to push. Mitt can have as many wives as he wants—it takes Barack to keep 'em happy.

      Nice to see we can dog-whistle, too!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Every time the Republicans complain about President Obama I'm reminded of Kent Dorfman in Animal House whining "The negroes took our dates."

  • Wile E. Quixote

    What is this anyways. An advertisement for Depends Adult Magical Mormon Undergarments?

  • ttommyunger

    Some say Mittens has a "tin ear" when it comes to politics, like when he heard of the Egyptian Parliament's move to legalize post-mortem wife-porking, his immediate response was: "Heck, I've been doing that for years, right, Ann? Heh, heh.".

  • Fare la Volpe

    American Public: *shrug*