all-people problems

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Where Will Billionaires Propose To Each Other If The Maldives Are Gone?

Buh-ByeJust as the world gets set to add a new nation, an archipelago in the Indian Ocean finds itself up next on the extinction list.

The resort owners of the Maldives, alleged financiers of a coup there this February, aren’t the likeliest nexus of evil, but they might be ultimately responsible for killing everyone who doesn’t get Raptured first.

The man they overthrew, Mohamed Nasheed, wasn’t just the nation’s first democratically elected president after 30 years spent under a tyrannical dictator. He was the world’s great climate hope, by far the planet’s most impassioned head of state when it came to stopping climate change. He spent a huge amount of time and effort lobbying the world about polluting less, so that there could continue to be some Maldives for ultra-rich people to hang out and propose to each other on. There’s a new movie out about him, if you like movies.

But the reason the resort owners (allegedly) overthrew him wasn’t because he wanted to cut into oil companies’ profits. It was because he wanted to tax their resorts for the first time in their history. The new regime, which is basically just the old dictator’s regime reinstalled, immediately switched back to its business-friendlier ways of taxing. According to the IMF, the new government’s changes to resort lease extension payments saw a 76.1 percent drop in revenues below projected figures from the previous president. Booyah: overthrow pays for self!

For once, America takes a nice stand on this issue, as does pretty much the rest of this world, in insisting that new elections be held there ASAP, a notion that the new/old regime is resistant to. The Obama administration pledged a half a million dollars when the Maldivans said they couldn’t afford to vote this summer. The British Commonwealth is this close to suspending their status as member. And in the meantime, this was just our hottest March on record (again). The Maldives are, on average, three feet above sea level. It would be a good time to buy some property on the mainland.

About the author

John Schoenkopf likes geography. johns@wonkette.com

View all articles by John Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barrelhse

    First!

    • noodlesalad

      First they came for the firsters, and I said nothing, because I was like, good, fuck em.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Around here it's a purported art form vs. a curious compulsion, depending who's doing the First!ing how many reply with fisting ~

    • a_pink_poodle

      WHARS THE FIRST CERTIFICATE?

  • mavenmaven

    When most of the earth is underwater from the melted polar caps, etc, it will be only the rich people who will be able to afford habitable space. That's why the rich are urging the Repubs to deny climate science- lots of profits in real estate speculation.

    • sullivanst

      Problem for them is, the most expensive real estate, which they own, is beach-front and will therefore be the first to submerge, which might (or might not) just save them from being first against the wall when the revolution comes.

    • Biff

      Waterworld, fuck yeah!

    • larrykat

      Start eating them now.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Uh, it's raining in LA today so there is no such thing as Global Warming.

    Jebus V Christ

    • freakishlywrong

      Does your ass hurt from my upfist?

      • Limeylizzie

        Ouch, that was the first reply I read this morning and my anus is shocked.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      There is no such thing as Global Moistening

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Maldives

    The Food Network's new show sampling America's food courts.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    There’s a new movie out about him, if you like movies

    Sounds great, and I enjoy movies — picked up the habit again esp. after Oprah started promoting them w/ her Movie of the Month club! — but I think I'll wait and see the book first.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I'm waiting for the new Dish/Blockbuster Axis of Digital Evil service that Wi-Fi's movies direct into your brain and automatically reads your credit card number for you. Because, Entertainment JobCre.

  • vulpes82

    A marriage proposal in a disappearing dictatorial archipelago? So romantic!

    • Biff

      Love, like the Maldives, is fleeting.

  • freakishlywrong

    The Maldives are just this much to the left of the current house Conservatards.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Good morning to you, too.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Last one to leave please turn off the beach.

  • skoalrebel

    Fuck this libtard hippy shit about pollution and global warming. [spit!] If Jesus didn't want us to drive SUVs, why did he say "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." You can't haul a bunch of kids around without an SUV now, can you? [spit!] Y'all are a bunch of commies and atheist tree-huggers who hate Jesus.

    • finallyhappy

      I worked with a Hispanic woman the other day who asked me about the Jews(I am- she is not) and was it true we did not accept Jesus and he did not die for my sins. I had to explain that we are waiting for the Messiah(ok, not me personally) and we do not believe that Jesus was the Messiah or died for us. I did not add that I do not think he died for anyone's sins nor is he God's son. The she asked me all over again- she had never heard of Jews or our beliefs. I felt like a unicorn. And yes, I am a commie tree hugging Jew who never bought an SUV to haul around the scouts/soccer players/brownies/hebrew school carpool

  • SteveMcCroskey

    Where Will Billionaires Propose To Each Other If The Maldives Are Gone?

    Lord Gingrich's moon palace. Duh.

  • ChernobylSoup

    The place needs some dikes. Lots and lots of dikes.

    • chicken_thief

      They recognize marriage equality?

  • ElPinche

    I see the movie preview but no Zooey Deschanel ?? What kind of crap movie is this??!1

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      One with no happy ending.

    • noodlesalad

      She's too busy asking her iPhone questions like "Is that rain?" (yes) and "Am I cute?" (increasingly less so) and "How much longer until America vomits from my schtick?" (depends on how many of these commercials you make, Zooeeeyyee)

      • Not_So_Much

        The cell pics of her that leaked a while back had much less of the quirky innocence. Turns out Zooey can be a very naughty girl.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    They can build mountains from the mounds of dead polar bears and make mortar out of the hot ashes of our dreams.

    • ChernobylSoup

      You should write children's stories.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs more Mike Hoare.

    • proudgrampa

      I see that he founded "Ye Ancient Order of Froth-Blowers."

      Tell me more.

  • sbj1964

    Welcome to planet earth.Please keep your arms,hands inside the ride for your safety.

  • Not_So_Much

    I think I have some Maldives in my spice rack. So, hoax, maybe?

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I have some Belgian Maldives in my lettuce crisper.

  • LiveToServeYa

    The Maldives should be paved to put up a parking lot, obviously.

  • FakaktaSouth

    So, the guy who wants to create taxes on the resort owners is overthrown by the rich resort owning people who installed a government instead who will allow things to happen that destroy their resorts? How did these people get to be rich? I like to think I am smart enough to understand "taking care of what makes your money" but I don't have an island and these people do. And now I feel like stomping.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Is that any different from our possibly-soon-to-be Republican overlords? Sounds as if they've been reading the same Ayn Rand shit.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Isn't this where the Oompah Loompahs are from?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Damn. I guess I need to cancel my plans to marry my sheep.

  • chascates

    One word: Waterworld.

  • anniegetyerfun
    • chicken_thief

      As the old, but hopefully not tired, joke goes "just how many is a brazillion?"

  • Guppy

    Taken over by resort owners?

    Are we sure this isn't Florida?

  • Poindexter718

    The oceans need reefs too, pussies!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Glad I got to visit this place (twice!) before it goes from sub-aerial to sub-aqueous. What a shame.

    • finallyhappy

      wow, I thought about it but I was too poor- I did get to Sri Lanka though- before the war/tsunami

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Once was a liberty call in Mali, courtesy of the US Navy, so that cost me 4 years of my life. Went again on a vacation after a deployment in Afghanistan, plane tix from Dubai were pretty cheap. I could never afford to go from the US.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Who is John Schoengalt?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He's shoing Galt?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Clearly, the enviro-hippies have gotten to the insurance industry, which is acting like maybe coastal areas are at risk. So now we know that insurance companies, like climate scientists, are a bunch of radical leftists who are perpetrating a global hoax to take away our freedom!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, maybe the insurance industry will put their army of lobbyists to good use, for once.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Or just raise their premiums. Which seems more likely?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Mal-dive site!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      In a few decades, the only way to see the islands will be to Mal-Dive

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Listen, Editrix frere, none of your Socialist rabble-rousing!

    Lowering taxes lifts all boats! Don't you see? Why do you hate Maldives America so?

    • Guppy

      Lowering taxes lifts all boats!

      Literally, in this case.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Another movie's waiting to get the green light: Inhofe Family Vacation

  • thefrontpage

    "The Island President" is the film, it's a documentary, it's getting a lot of attention in political, governmental, environmental and film circles, and it's opening either tomorrow, April 27, or it opened on April 20, in art-house theaters nationwide. In D.C., you can see "The Island President" at the Landmark E Street Cinema theater. Nasheed also recently appeared on "The Daily Show," and he's made other media appearances recently, too. He's a smart guy, and it's a shame that some psychos were able to overthrow his legal, democratically-elected government. The U.N. should be cracking down on the new militaristic government, issuing sanctions, and supporting Nasheed.

  • mormos

    wait… rum diaries was real?

    Also I saw Mohamed Nasheed on Colbert? Stewart? He is an amazing human being!

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    two choices: build the ark or grow gills and webbed feet.

  • DahBoner

    It's their own damn fault for living on an island 4 feet above sea level.

    GET OFF MY YHAWT YOU ALTITUDE SLACKERS

  • ttommyunger

    I will never understand people who feel they must go somewhere to have a good time. What the fuck are they fleeing?