ALL-PEOPLE PROBLEMS  9:24 am April 26, 2012

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Where Will Billionaires Propose To Each Other If The Maldives Are Gone?

by John Schoenkopf

Buh-ByeJust as the world gets set to add a new nation, an archipelago in the Indian Ocean finds itself up next on the extinction list.

The resort owners of the Maldives, alleged financiers of a coup there this February, aren’t the likeliest nexus of evil, but they might be ultimately responsible for killing everyone who doesn’t get Raptured first.

The man they overthrew, Mohamed Nasheed, wasn’t just the nation’s first democratically elected president after 30 years spent under a tyrannical dictator. He was the world’s great climate hope, by far the planet’s most impassioned head of state when it came to stopping climate change. He spent a huge amount of time and effort lobbying the world about polluting less, so that there could continue to be some Maldives for ultra-rich people to hang out and propose to each other on. There’s a new movie out about him, if you like movies.

But the reason the resort owners (allegedly) overthrew him wasn’t because he wanted to cut into oil companies’ profits. It was because he wanted to tax their resorts for the first time in their history. The new regime, which is basically just the old dictator’s regime reinstalled, immediately switched back to its business-friendlier ways of taxing. According to the IMF, the new government’s changes to resort lease extension payments saw a 76.1 percent drop in revenues below projected figures from the previous president. Booyah: overthrow pays for self!

For once, America takes a nice stand on this issue, as does pretty much the rest of this world, in insisting that new elections be held there ASAP, a notion that the new/old regime is resistant to. The Obama administration pledged a half a million dollars when the Maldivans said they couldn’t afford to vote this summer. The British Commonwealth is this close to suspending their status as member. And in the meantime, this was just our hottest March on record (again). The Maldives are, on average, three feet above sea level. It would be a good time to buy some property on the mainland.

 
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{ 64 comments }

Barrelhse April 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

First!

noodlesalad April 26, 2012 at 9:43 am

First they came for the firsters, and I said nothing, because I was like, good, fuck em.

Mumbletypeg April 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

Around here it's a purported art form vs. a curious compulsion, depending who's doing the First!ing how many reply with fisting ~

a_pink_poodle April 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm

WHARS THE FIRST CERTIFICATE?

mavenmaven April 26, 2012 at 9:30 am

When most of the earth is underwater from the melted polar caps, etc, it will be only the rich people who will be able to afford habitable space. That's why the rich are urging the Repubs to deny climate science- lots of profits in real estate speculation.

sullivanst April 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

Problem for them is, the most expensive real estate, which they own, is beach-front and will therefore be the first to submerge, which might (or might not) just save them from being first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 11:23 am

Waterworld, fuck yeah!

larrykat April 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Start eating them now.

OC_Surf_Serf April 26, 2012 at 9:30 am

Uh, it's raining in LA today so there is no such thing as Global Warming.

Jebus V Christ

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

Does your ass hurt from my upfist?

Limeylizzie April 26, 2012 at 10:09 am

Ouch, that was the first reply I read this morning and my anus is shocked.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 10:15 am

There is no such thing as Global Moistening

OC_Surf_Serf April 26, 2012 at 9:33 am

Maldives

The Food Network's new show sampling America's food courts.

Mumbletypeg April 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

There’s a new movie out about him, if you like movies

Sounds great, and I enjoy movies — picked up the habit again esp. after Oprah started promoting them w/ her Movie of the Month club! — but I think I'll wait and see the book first.

FlownOver April 26, 2012 at 10:03 am

I'm waiting for the new Dish/Blockbuster Axis of Digital Evil service that Wi-Fi's movies direct into your brain and automatically reads your credit card number for you. Because, Entertainment JobCre.

vulpes82 April 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

A marriage proposal in a disappearing dictatorial archipelago? So romantic!

Biff April 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Love, like the Maldives, is fleeting.

freakishlywrong April 26, 2012 at 9:37 am

The Maldives are just this much to the left of the current house Conservatards.

ManchuCandidate April 26, 2012 at 9:38 am

Good morning to you, too.

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 9:39 am

Last one to leave please turn off the beach.

skoalrebel April 26, 2012 at 9:42 am

Fuck this libtard hippy shit about pollution and global warming. [spit!] If Jesus didn't want us to drive SUVs, why did he say "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." You can't haul a bunch of kids around without an SUV now, can you? [spit!] Y'all are a bunch of commies and atheist tree-huggers who hate Jesus.

finallyhappy April 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

I worked with a Hispanic woman the other day who asked me about the Jews(I am- she is not) and was it true we did not accept Jesus and he did not die for my sins. I had to explain that we are waiting for the Messiah(ok, not me personally) and we do not believe that Jesus was the Messiah or died for us. I did not add that I do not think he died for anyone's sins nor is he God's son. The she asked me all over again- she had never heard of Jews or our beliefs. I felt like a unicorn. And yes, I am a commie tree hugging Jew who never bought an SUV to haul around the scouts/soccer players/brownies/hebrew school carpool

SteveMcCroskey April 26, 2012 at 9:43 am

Where Will Billionaires Propose To Each Other If The Maldives Are Gone?

Lord Gingrich's moon palace. Duh.

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 9:44 am

The place needs some dikes. Lots and lots of dikes.

chicken_thief April 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

They recognize marriage equality?

ElPinche April 26, 2012 at 9:45 am

I see the movie preview but no Zooey Deschanel ?? What kind of crap movie is this??!1

ManchuCandidate April 26, 2012 at 9:45 am

One with no happy ending.

noodlesalad April 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

She's too busy asking her iPhone questions like "Is that rain?" (yes) and "Am I cute?" (increasingly less so) and "How much longer until America vomits from my schtick?" (depends on how many of these commercials you make, Zooeeeyyee)

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

The cell pics of her that leaked a while back had much less of the quirky innocence. Turns out Zooey can be a very naughty girl.

EatsBabyDingos April 26, 2012 at 9:49 am

They can build mountains from the mounds of dead polar bears and make mortar out of the hot ashes of our dreams.

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

You should write children's stories.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

Needs more Mike Hoare.

proudgrampa April 26, 2012 at 10:45 am

I see that he founded "Ye Ancient Order of Froth-Blowers."

Tell me more.

sbj1964 April 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

Welcome to planet earth.Please keep your arms,hands inside the ride for your safety.

Not_So_Much April 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

I think I have some Maldives in my spice rack. So, hoax, maybe?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 10:17 am

I have some Belgian Maldives in my lettuce crisper.

LiveToServeYa April 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

The Maldives should be paved to put up a parking lot, obviously.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 10:02 am

So, the guy who wants to create taxes on the resort owners is overthrown by the rich resort owning people who installed a government instead who will allow things to happen that destroy their resorts? How did these people get to be rich? I like to think I am smart enough to understand "taking care of what makes your money" but I don't have an island and these people do. And now I feel like stomping.

Dudleydidwrong April 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

Is that any different from our possibly-soon-to-be Republican overlords? Sounds as if they've been reading the same Ayn Rand shit.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 26, 2012 at 10:02 am

Isn't this where the Oompah Loompahs are from?

Jus_Wonderin April 26, 2012 at 10:03 am

Damn. I guess I need to cancel my plans to marry my sheep.

chascates April 26, 2012 at 10:03 am

One word: Waterworld.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2012 at 10:04 am
chicken_thief April 26, 2012 at 10:12 am

As the old, but hopefully not tired, joke goes "just how many is a brazillion?"

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

Taken over by resort owners?

Are we sure this isn't Florida?

Poindexter718 April 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

The oceans need reefs too, pussies!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 10:08 am

Glad I got to visit this place (twice!) before it goes from sub-aerial to sub-aqueous. What a shame.

finallyhappy April 26, 2012 at 10:29 am

wow, I thought about it but I was too poor- I did get to Sri Lanka though- before the war/tsunami

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

Once was a liberty call in Mali, courtesy of the US Navy, so that cost me 4 years of my life. Went again on a vacation after a deployment in Afghanistan, plane tix from Dubai were pretty cheap. I could never afford to go from the US.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 10:11 am

Who is John Schoengalt?

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

He's shoing Galt?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 10:12 am

Clearly, the enviro-hippies have gotten to the insurance industry, which is acting like maybe coastal areas are at risk. So now we know that insurance companies, like climate scientists, are a bunch of radical leftists who are perpetrating a global hoax to take away our freedom!!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 10:16 am

Well, maybe the insurance industry will put their army of lobbyists to good use, for once.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Or just raise their premiums. Which seems more likely?

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

Mal-dive site!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

In a few decades, the only way to see the islands will be to Mal-Dive

actor212 April 26, 2012 at 10:16 am

Listen, Editrix frere, none of your Socialist rabble-rousing!

Lowering taxes lifts all boats! Don't you see? Why do you hate Maldives America so?

Guppy April 26, 2012 at 10:18 am

Lowering taxes lifts all boats!

Literally, in this case.

FlownOver April 26, 2012 at 10:52 am

Another movie's waiting to get the green light: Inhofe Family Vacation

thefrontpage April 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

"The Island President" is the film, it's a documentary, it's getting a lot of attention in political, governmental, environmental and film circles, and it's opening either tomorrow, April 27, or it opened on April 20, in art-house theaters nationwide. In D.C., you can see "The Island President" at the Landmark E Street Cinema theater. Nasheed also recently appeared on "The Daily Show," and he's made other media appearances recently, too. He's a smart guy, and it's a shame that some psychos were able to overthrow his legal, democratically-elected government. The U.N. should be cracking down on the new militaristic government, issuing sanctions, and supporting Nasheed.

mormos April 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

wait… rum diaries was real?

Also I saw Mohamed Nasheed on Colbert? Stewart? He is an amazing human being!

Sir_Fartz_Alot April 26, 2012 at 1:05 pm

two choices: build the ark or grow gills and webbed feet.

DahBoner April 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm

It's their own damn fault for living on an island 4 feet above sea level.

GET OFF MY YHAWT YOU ALTITUDE SLACKERS

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 9:25 am

I will never understand people who feel they must go somewhere to have a good time. What the fuck are they fleeing?

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