eat the rich

Pasties Take A Licking From UK Parliament

fucking whinersThe Land of Newz is all aflutter this morning about the UK’s plunge into a double-dip recession that is the worst since 1975. What is the esteemed Members of Parliament’s solution, in line with their super successful austerity plan? A 20 percent tax on hot pasties, of course. No tax on cold pasties, though. So, phew. STAND DOWN!

While London Bridge is falling down, MPs think it’s extremely important to spend their precious time interrogating each other as to the last time they’d eaten a hot pasty or bragging about how tasty was their latest pasty. Meanwhile, enraged Master Bakers and Pasty Makers, gathering at Pudding Lane, will finish their anti-tax protest march today on the steps of Whitehall, hoping that “politicians will be lured by the taste of an authentic Cornish pasty” enough to give pasty pounding peasants a little tax break.

As mutton grease dribbles down the triple chins of pasty-patronizing Parliament, and housepersons all over the land are whinging to their neighbors about the pasty outrage, bankers and corporate moguls are laughing their asses off, sipping French champagne and nibbling their tax-free caviar. Why? Because 2011 bank bonuses in the UK were in the billions, the UK’s corporate profitability bounce back in 2010 and 2011 was extraordinary… and globally, “2011 was a banner year for luxury brands, some had more sales and profits than 2007, just before the global financial crisis.” OK, so there was a little slump, which caused some poor jetsetters to suffer: “Now, instead of buying three or four handbags, they might buy one for two-thirds of the value of all four put together.”

A lone voice rose above the petty pasty pettifogging to publish a “Lesson for Obama” in the Guardian, hoping to convince Obama of the failure of austerity, so that when our fearless leader gets re-elected, he can convince all those Republicans (who signed Grover Norquist’s NO TAX INCREASES EVER! pledge), to raise taxes on the rich so that the US government can invest in infrastructure and all those other ridiculous fucking expansionary things. Good luck with that! Oh, and the lone voice? Robert Reich, professor of public policy at the University of California at Berkeley and Secretary of Labor under Bill Clinton. I guess US newspapers weren’t interested in his opinion. They’re too busy covering sexy secret service men.

Well sex is far more interesting, right? So keep watching The Kardashians and accept your patriotic responsibility to shoulder the immense debt created by your betters and happily pay more taxes on meat-filled dough. Then, the wealthy can buy more purses! Economics 101.

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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77 comments

  1. actor212

    So if I find a really hot stripper, I can get taxed by her?

    Goodness knows that won't be as hard as it used to be, or at least, that's what she said.

      1. chicken_thief

        ??? It's not like they are on the endangered species list… or so I've heard from friends.

  2. Beowoof

    Well if the pasties come with the girl in the photo, I'll take one. When I was younger I would have asked for two, but these days just thinking about what I would do wears me out.

  3. Biff

    Good morning! That's the way to grab my attention in the morning…

    And Robert Reich is a commie, Bill-O told me.

  4. skoalrebel

    Nice pic of Ann Romney. [spit!] And who says she's not a working girl? [spit!] I'd hire her to do a job or two. [spit!]

  5. ChernobylSoup

    White youth, black youth
    Better find another solution
    Why not phone up Robin Hood
    And ask him for some wealth distribution

    Punk rockers in the UK
    They won't notice anyway
    They're all too busy fighting
    For a good place under the lighting

    The new groups are not concerned
    With what there is to be learned
    They got Burton suits, ha you think it's funny
    Turning rebellion into money

    All over people changing their votes
    Along with their overcoats
    If Adolf Hitler flew in today
    They'd send a limousine anyway

    1. actor212

      Yes, we should petition Editrix to give more column space to Lisa and her fine assortment of tit-posts.

      After all, what's more primally "mommy" for a mommyblog than funbags?

    2. deanbooth

      Sorry, they've been replaced by the British equivalent of pizza pockets. If I hadn't seen the original pic for a few seconds, half these comments would not make sense.

      My guess is that the alt text refers to why your dream has been revoked.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    As a woman, I appear to be getting pastys and pastries (pastry) mixed up.

    I'm outta here on this one.

      1. actor212

        I had a debate on Facebook with Nick Hornby (Google him) about what American sherbet was and how it compared to sorbet. After giving him the usual "Well, it's sorbet but with a little cream mixed in" and getting the usual "Um, what?" I really stepped in the cultural goo when I said, "Look, just imagine a creamsicle mashed up and served in a bowl."

        I always thought they had Creamsicles in England. Who knew?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Cornish pasties are the ancestral origins of hot pockets – savory filling (often of suspect origins) wrapped in dough and baked. Miner's took them down the hole and ate lunch down in the dark. Nowadays they are more likely to be eaten in conditions similar to NYers grabbing a gray water hot dog, and with similar qualities.

      Also the inspiration for Terry Pratchett's Cut Me Own Throat Dribbler, whose "pies" are sold at every scene of group mayhem in Ankh-Morpark (and often lead to fairly hilarious scenes of their own).

  7. SorosBot

    Hey come on, just because austerity in the face of a recession or depression has been a complete and utter failure every time it's been tried doesn't mean it's going to fail this time. Who cares what has empirically worked in the past and what has and currently is failing, when what matters is what will fix the economy in theory?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      History is for losers in libraries, bot. All real Americanz know this.

      It is sort of hilarious that all the austerity nuts claim it is somehow "safe" or "proven" but the entire system is based on theories that just don't work. It is sort of like saying I've got a sure fire bear attack repellant because it has never failed (or been tested) against polar bears, even though it has failed abysmally with black and grizzly bears.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Pasties? Is that what they call pastries on Knifecrime Island? Down here in San Antonio Mexas, we eat tacos for breakfast.

  9. GuyClinch

    If that photo is austerity, I'll have some! But does this mean my anus-bacon burgers and Freedum Trays and grabbing sticks (Freedum Stick) will be taxed?

  10. Aridzona

    Thought it was a pic of Megan McCain until I lifted my eyes a couple of notches and noticed there was only one chin.

  11. FakaktaSouth

    While London Bridge is falling down, MPs think it’s extremely important to spend their precious time interrogating each other as to the last time they’d eaten a hot pasty or bragging about how tasty was their latest pasty.

    FINALLY I feel a connection to our founding country – all starting to talk like Americans, even if they are doing it in that (really hot) accent. (and I totally read "pasty" as another word and I don't know why or what that says about me)

  12. Mumbletypeg

    That sound you your office-mates hear, though virtually sound*less*, is that of a bunch of new browser tabs clicking "Open" to display more work-related imagery (to be minimized when the coast is clear); one also detects clandestine scrolling as the stealth-viewer attempts to read the accompanying story without keeping the NSFW image in view too many seconds at a time.

    You dont' work in a setting w/ the usual cell cubicle-mates and supervisor in an adjacent ward office, do you,Wines?

    1. fuflans

      this is exactly EXACTLY what i did and thought when i realized that picture is going to be front and center for at least a couple hours.

    2. lisawines

      So, I wrote that reeealllly early in the AM (my time) and left it for L'editrixie to review and didn't put a picture in there and ran off to go to court with a friend of mine. Just got back and the picture I see is of… pasties – the ones made from dough and stuffed (uh-ohz, that's a bad British word) with meat (UHOH!). I don't see a NSFW pic so I don't know what happened? I wish I had seen the first pic!

      1. fuflans

        it was just, you know, pasties and boobs.

        nothing all that alarming unless – as mumblety and me – sitting in the middle of an office with carpeting and open cubicles.

        1. lisawines

          Well the interesting thing is that when I bragged about the article on Facebook, the picture of the lady with pasties appeared on the Facebook post but it still does not appear when I view the article on Wonkette. :-)

          1. Mumbletypeg

            There could be any number of reasons for that. I find there's sometimes a delay when you've changed or altered an image, one that gets repurposed on sthg like FB for sm/med/lg resizing (avatar/ profile pic / enlargement) — I'm no expert but it seems it takes a while for the chain of updates to go full circle as the image is borrowed or transmitted depending what additional entities are linked to your FB account.

  13. SexySmurf

    If Britain really wants to raise some quid they should put a tax on crooked teeth and incomprehensible slang.

  14. prommie

    Does this mean Great Britain is getting all Thatcher-y again? I tell youse, put your savings in spiker, safety pins, and plaid, if history teaches us nothing else, it shows that lingering, long-term recession and malaise inevitably results in punk rock. Our Strummer, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      It's pre-Thatcher, so disaffected unemployed youth will form "punk" bands called "the Sex Pistols", "the Damned", "the Buzzcocks" & "Stiff Little Fingers"!

  15. BerkeleyBear

    CMOT Dribbler, when reached for comment, said the tax won't affect his pies, as no Cornishman has ever been willing to call them a pasty – or food, for that matter.

  16. Tundra Grifter

    At the risk of ruining the bit, I believe the English pronounce it "past-ease" and not "paste-ease."

    However, like the other smart folks here on Wonkette, I'll let Limey Lizzie decide.

    Your move, 2L!

  17. OneYieldRegular

    I'm a fierce defender of pasty (turkey pasty has become the Thanksgiving leftovers meal I most look forward to during the year). However: one of those House Lordses or House Commoners might just want to politely remind his or her colleagues engaged in this important debate that people are immolating themselves on the streets of Greece thanks to the brilliant idea of insisting on austerity only for people who can least bear it, as, meanwhile, the Romneys of the world obliviously blather on about not apologizing for their own fabulous success.

  18. Typodong3

    HEY what happened to the hot blond with the asymmetrical chesticles? Pie just doesn't cut it.

  19. Veritas78

    Looks dry and unappetizing. Hint: grease it up, call it a calzone, and charge double. Then go bankrupt.

  20. ttommyunger

    Nice to see Cameron getting his pasty (pun intended) ass pranged in Prime Minister's Questions yesterday. Too bad the people have to pay the piper for this asshat's fuck-ups.

Comments are closed.