news cycle filler

Oh Yeah, Apparently Newt Gingrich Dropped Out of The Race Today?

How we feel.

Just kidding, no he hasn’t. The Internet merely ran one of its “Newt Gingrich will suspend his campaign any day now” stories that it has run once every other week since February. Even these were starting to dwindle due to a pressing lack of media interest, so a Newt spokesman had to go and swear oaths before the reporters that it really will be happening within a week or so, just as soon as America has had an appropriate amount of days to grieve and put in their request slips for time off to hear his triumphant near-victory speech. Then, yes, then.

From WaPo:

Newt Gingrich is expected to suspend his presidential campaign within the next week and endorse former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, a spokesman said.

Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond said that Romney called the former House speaker this morning to say he would welcome his endorsement, should Gingrich choose to end his campaign.

The two campaigns are “working out the details” of the endorsement, Hammond said.

It should not really take a week to explain to Newt Gingrich the “details” of how endorsements of other politicians “work,” but no one can be surprised. [WaPo]

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  1. Barb

    What kind of dufus name is "Newt" anyway?
    Goodbye, Newt! Go back to private life and take your mannequin wife with you.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "being launched from"?

        Although you got the parts right (Newt, young blonde, rocket, launch), that's a major prepositional phrase fail.

    1. Isyaignert

      I always spelled it "Gnewt" because he's such a fukkin' annoying gnat. Luv ya Barb – your name is fukkin' perfect!!

  2. Callyson

    Gingrich said…he would assess the race “as somebody who's a unifier and somebody who's realistic.”

    Well, he unifies the country against himself, and he's realistic enough to see that Obama will carry the day in November, so for once I agree with Newt…

    1. Negropolis

      First rule of Newt Fight Club: Don't talk about Tiffany, neither the establishment nor the hooker-turned-wife-in-waiting.

  3. ttommyunger

    Negotiations are in progress: the enthusiasm of Newt's endorsement will depend on the amount of Newt's debt reduction cash offered by Mittens. In the end, Newt will declare victory but give his whole-hearted support to whatizface. WIN!

    1. Negropolis

      If there is nothing else Newt knows how to do, he sure knows how to hustle. And, you are so on point, on this. The negotiation is about campaign debt. I remember some behind-the-scenes action in 2008 where it was said Hillary's endorsement of Obama came at a financial cost, and wouldn't you know it, Senator Obama was out there stomping to have her campaign debt retired or calling his donors to help behind the scenes. Politics are ugly.

    2. Sparky McGruff

      Don't forget political payback as well: Newt is insistent that he must be named ambassador to the moon.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    This is kinda like the "will she/won't she" that surrounded Sarah Palin's possible run for the nomination earlier, only in reverse and with a lot less people giving a fuck.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "Romney called the former House speaker this morning"

    Bet that conversation was a bit stilted and awkward, to say the least.

    1. Rotundo_

      Not that this was any different than any other conversation Mittens has had with someone who *isn't* awash in cash. I think the only place Mittens is truly comfortable is somewhere where even the hired help is in six figures, unless it's cleaning.

    2. tessiee

      All of the Mittster's conversations are stilted and awkward, including the ones he has with his wife and children.

    3. Negropolis

      It couldn't be anything other than stitled in awkward. We're talking about Mitt Romney, here. Those are his second middle names.

    1. SexySmurf

      She was the little girl in Aliens. Don't you remember the scene where Sigourney Weaver saves her from Callista?

  6. Antispandex

    Why should he give up when he is so close? I, for one, would like to see this set a record. Just keep running after the election Newt. There's always next time…and you may be the first on the ballot!

      1. tessiee

        Aren't you forgetting Chris Christie?
        Newt: That's my donut.
        Chris: No, that's MY donut!
        Newt: I *distinctly* called dibs on that donut!
        Chris: You did *not* — and anyway, you've already had six, and I only had five!

        Etc. etc.

        1. Designer_Rants

          And I may have forgot the DHS Office Lady…
          Newt (wearing his James O'keefe Pimp Suit): Look, I need more food stamps, I'm broke now, didn't you see me running for president?
          Office Lady: Huh?
          Newt: My flawless televised debates?
          Office Lady: Do you want me to arrange a psych eval for you?
          Newt: I'm not crazy! I'm hungry!
          Office Lady: Well, we have some janitorial jobs at the middle school that need filled. Mayhap you could work there?
          Newt: Do you know who you're TALKING TOO? Moon! Food Stamp President! School Janitor! Aaaarghhh!
          Office Lady: I'm gonna go ahead and order that eval for ya. Also, according to your file, I'm to remind you that you cannot purchase burritos at 7/11 with a "Tiffany's Line Of Credit", so stop trying.

  7. chascates

    He'll make it formal next Tuesday, just in case anyone wants to beg him to stay in or send him money. And it takes a while to round up a balloon to make a grand exit, like the Wizard of Oz did at the end of the movie.

    1. tessiee

      "And it takes a while to round up a balloon to make a grand exit, like the Wizard of Oz"

      How many diamonds would Newty have to give the balloon before it agreed to lift his big ass?

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    His Jewish sugar daddy must have cut him off from his Tiffany whore diamond money.

  9. Fare la Volpe

    When asked for comment, Gingrich said that he suspended his campaign to spend more time with the newest addition to his family – his mistress.

  10. a_pink_poodle

    Oh well. I'm sure Romney's sheer disconnect with people who don't have a million dollar salary will produce countless instances of gaffery.

  11. Mumbly_Joe

    Maybe Newt should work out some sort of "open" endorsement arrangement, where he could endorse Mitt Romney, but still continue to run anyway.

  12. mavenmaven

    Yeah, like it makes a difference. Has anyone even bothered to ask Ron whatever his name is to suspend his campaign?

  13. Mumbly_Joe

    But if he's not running for president, how will Newt know the dignity of work??? I don't suppose there's any toilets that need cleaning somehwere, is there?

    1. miss_grundy

      Nah, he'll write another book that is factually and historically incorrect and then push it on all the morning talk shows. He'll also get on his knees and kiss Roger Ailes' ass and wind up getting a job on Faux News. I'm sure they'll hire him in time for the trip to the convention. Now, if we could only catch him doing something naughty or perhaps some crazy could take a shot at him…..

    2. tessiee

      "I don't suppose there's any toilets that need cleaning somehwere, is there?"

      To be perfectly honest, mine could use a good scrubadub, but not badly enough to let Zoot in my house.

  14. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Quick quiz. Who said the following?

    "I can't see any scenario in which I'm not the nominee?"

        1. V572 Fehrnstrom

          Really? Or is he just good at aggregating vast amounts of money to construct his fantasies?

  15. Mumbletypeg

    Yeah he's "almost" ready to allude to some insinuation that he'll bow out.
    Just like he'll tell his grandchildren someday about how he "almost" won the nom'.

  16. GortRay

    The whole Republic party primary thing has been like a 1930's circus freak show. And it's been hanging around the outskirts of town for way too long. With SweaterVest Boy and the Newt-man gone, they can pack up and move on. But the town folk are left to clean up the poop and puke.

  17. owhatever

    Negotiation — I give you my delegates, you pay my campaign bills and give my wife a quick hump, because we can no longer find my dick.

  18. WhatTheHeck

    “Friends, Republicans, country yokels. I come, next Tuesday, to say, I have run out of lies. I gots no more.”

  19. Redhead

    Are you sure? I thought he dropped out two weeks ago. Maybe he's just been holed up in Tiffany's.

    1. tessiee

      Whenever you can't actually see Newt, it's a safe guess he's holed up somewhere, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  20. bagofmice

    Seriously, with the whole catholic league vagina manger thing. Did this guy ever read the gospels? God gets Mary preggers, which was the style at the time, Christ pops out of her vag, and after a brief detour through some swaddling lands in a manger. Guy grows up playing with wood until he reveals his divinity by getting a party drunk and becoming a "fisher of men".

  21. fartknocker

    Wonkette staff, in the future would you please use the picture of Newt petting a goat? It was so much more appropriate for this fat goat fuck.

    Thank you,
    F Knocker.

    1. stncmchnc

      Hey Chicken Lady! It's not too late, there's a mechanical horse at the local mall with your name on it.

  22. Barrelhse

    I do enjoy Newt's play-acting, pretending everything is really on his terms and that he is perceived by America as a statesman.

    1. Radiotherapy

      DBB, we've missed you. Is all well in Okie land? I hope the new Rules for Radical Commentors didn't scare you away. The purge is over…I think….

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Thanks, kids. I've tried to be a more productive person.

        But, seriously, Radio: all is well in okie land? Life is never well in a state as red as the soil, but, by and large, nothing has changed. I think the Republican might have abolished the OK Public Television, OETA.

        But my patch of okie land is pretty good, thank you very much.

    1. natoslug

      The Ron Paul supporters keep calling me, trying to remind me to get out and vote for KKKongressman Ron Paul. I have no idea whom I pissed off to end up getting stuck on their voter annoyance list.

    2. Man0nTheStreet

      RON PAUL 1812!! – inveighing against the "Massive Debt-Encumbering Big-Government Overreach" known as The Louisiana Purchase…

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Romney called the former House speaker this morning to say he would welcome his endorsement, should Gingrich choose to end his campaign."

    Newt, however, did not get the message, because the last check he sent to his cellphone provider bounced.

  24. Warpde

    Newt was in the race?
    Going to have to re -evaluate the binge drinking.
    Obama still Prez?

  25. johnnymeatworth

    He'll announce once the ink dries on that contract to appear in the touring production of The Odd Couple with Rick Santorum.

  26. devtob

    Gingrich ran to sell books, pump up his speaking fees, and get a seven-figure deal from Fox "News."

    FAIL all around.

    For now — next year, after Obama wins, he will be raking it in.

  27. littlebigdaddy

    Overflowing colostomy bag Newt Gingrich trying to grift his endorsement for all it's worth.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Speech promoting Mittens to be delivered at the Charlotte, N.C. Greyhound station. That's what it's worth. But Romney and his billions in his superpac and utter lack of honor or self-respect will go on a tour of Civil War military park with Fatty and let Neut. pontificate in his charmingly arrogant style while he makes up facts about history.

      Mitt will subject himself to this, or something like it, if he thinks it might persuade one Southern Baptist preacher to tell his flock of lemmings to vote for Mittbot.

  28. Rotundo_

    I guess it's back to teaching at some back water junior college where the students have a better handle on the historical facts than he does, but can pull easy A's by simply parroting back his bullshit with fawning praise. There's always co-eds desparate for passing grades to pick off and freebies from the cafeterias. That and his house pension should keep him well fed and entertained until the big one hits.

    1. Negropolis

      Tell me about it. This is going to be tedious to the point of, well, I can't even describe it. Actually, imagine Fran Drescher laughing on a loop…forever. Yeah, it'll be like that.

  29. Tommmcattt

    Mittens: Newt, I'm not going to kiss your butt onstage. It would upset Ann.

    Newt: ok, then it has to be the dress, then. And the twirling. Deal?

    Mittens: And you'll introduce me to Sheldon Addleson?

    Newt: Yup!

    Mittens: Okay, then, mayyyybbeeee…

  30. Tundra Grifter

    This is the perfect Ole Newt story: It's "news" that he's thinking he might maybe do something in the future.

    I can't call it a joke because it isn't funny – just sad.

    Does anyone else remember when he went to NYC to kiss Donald Chump's ring, and Ole Newt announced that Chump was presenting a special "Celebrity Apprentice" program for inner city kids? What ever came of that?

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      That was a special Celebrity Appetizer program *featuring* inner city kids – and Callista said they were delicious !

  31. e_z

    My oh my. Seems like it was just yesterday that Grinch was telling Hanitty that he was in it for thre whole haul, that he had a message to carry. Hanitty of course was playing dildo and ragging on the media for saying Gingee was headed out if failed in Deleware. The Nnewt chuckled and said the media had been counting him out since last July.

    BTW, it WAS yesterday. The Newtster will now leave the race, trailing smegma the way a snail trails slime.

  32. Dudleydidwrong

    Headline: "Newt Gingrich Dropped" from about 30,000 feet into an open septic tank. Bye, Newt. Remember that" there are no second acts in American lives." Your first act was a real stinker and now the play's over.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Newt would've quit the race right away, but he wanted to give the populace some warning so as to allow for the massive public outcry to change his mind and get him to see that we were, at last, capable of seeing who the real redeemer was around here, and he would forgive us and continue to lead the world with his singular vision, solomonic wisdom and encyclopedic analysis of every potential crisis situation that could possibly face us, and he would guide us as Noah saved humanity.




  34. Barb

    Speaking of dropping out….
    When the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup last year they were invited to the White House to meet with President Obama. The goalie, Tim Thomas decided to be a jerk and not go, citing "political reasons"

    Bruins just got beat by the Washington Capitols and Tim can't rebuff the POTUS again this year, bah ha ha!


    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      He wouldn't have this sewn up if he put a wig on a fetus and said it was the reincarnation of Reagan.

  35. SayItWithWookies

    Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond said that Romney called the former House speaker this morning to say he would welcome his endorsement, should Gingrich choose to end his campaign.

    Unfortunately negotiations went off track from the very beginning, and it took several hours before Gingrich was made to understand that Governor Romney was not in fact calling to concede and promise his undying fealty.

  36. Wonkette, Refudiated

    The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

    1. Barb

      It's early here at my house and my coffee hasn't kicked in just yet. Forgive me if I am wrong, please.

      Are you saying that Newt is an "outsider" in Washington? The first time he ran was in 1974. He's been inside Washington for quite some time. The fact that people don't like him is what makes him an outsider.

      Newt's baggage weighed him down. His crazy ideas turned people off to him. He gave a speech where he said people were using their food stamp debit cards to travel to Hawaii.

      Socialism is defined as an economic form where the government controls the means of production. Newt Gingrich says he'll stop oil imports and force the oil companies to use American oil and charge no more than $2.50 per gallon of gasoline. My friends, Newt Gingrich is a Socialist.

      I'm praying you were being snarky in your post. I hope you have a terrific day!

  37. not that Dewey

    Okay — BaldarTFlagass wins the "got an atrocious Journey/Steve Perry song stuck in my head and it's still fucking there the next morning" contest. You win a punch in the kidneys.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's good to know that, even in this day and age, one person can make a difference.

      PS you're not the only one. Fucking Wheel in the Sky anyway. And to make it worse, Don't Stop Believing came on the radio during the drive home, and the chicks in the vanpool were all "Oooh, turn that up, what a great song!" I wanted to drive into a bridge abutment.

  38. DahBoner

    File this in the folder labeled Ideas Technically Possible, But Incredibly Stupid and Prohibitly Costly along with running your car on Switchgrass, Mars mission and Moon base.


  39. BaldarTFlagass

    Not only that, but it's SUBSIDIZED with vouchers from the Dept. of Transportation. SOCIALIZM!!! But it saves me 3 tanks of gas per month, so it kinda makes up for getting no pay raises for the last two years.

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