LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS ALSO TOO  5:30 pm April 25, 2012

BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hitler gave me gonorrheaWell now we are getting to the bottom of this! When the Secret Service was sexing all those ladies in Cartagena, was that an isolated incident? NO IT WAS NOT! And how do we know this? Because Defense Secretary Leon Panetta “admitted” that last year three US Marines hired a sex worker in Brazil! Now, was there more to this ridiculous waste of pixels? Yes, there was more to this ridiculous waste of pixels: the Marines were busted down a rank after throwing her from their moving vehicle, and the US embassy paid her medical bills — which, after all, would be the gentlemanly thing to do.

But yeah, the New York Daily News, in its never-ending quest for relevance, decided to headline it thusly, for ?

“U.S. Marines Hired A Prostitute in Brazil Last Year, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta Admits”

So … we’re gonna guess that once again the liberal media has never actually met a Marine? That is not a headline! That is Tuesday! Semper fi! Hooah! Smedley Butler! KILL KILL KILL! Man, whatever happened to the good old days, when our fighting men and women were just gently reminded not to bring home VD to their sweetheart Sue?

Anyway, the fish rots from the head, so Barack Obama is using Brazilian prostitutes, impeach him burn him the end. [NYDN]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 124 comments }

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Support the Troops?

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Only if they "get to the bottom" of this.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Well, since these are Marines, it's different, because something something black President.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

On another note, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKING ASSWADS??!?!

miss_grundy April 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm

It appears that the marine corps is just about taking anybody from off the street. I thought these guys were supposedly pickier than the other branches of the service in choosing applicants. But I guess not. They are probably just taking any redneck that walks into the recruiting station.

Barb April 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Whats green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea
Semper Infidelity!

SkinnyNerd April 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

We have Marines in Brazil?

ChernobylSoup April 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Marines guard US embassies, so we have them in just about every country.

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Well, in a Brazilian, anyway.

Tundra Grifter April 25, 2012 at 5:48 pm

One in a Brazilian?

Just for old times' sake, check out the Wonkette photo of the Brazilian protester.
http://wonkette.com/244937/brazilian-protest-gals

Still to this day the best picture EVER on this website!

ifthethunderdontgetya April 25, 2012 at 6:07 pm

You are a great American, as my dad used to say, T.G.
~

LionHeartSoyDog April 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Many Thanks, TundGri ~

This foto, over the years, has helped to restore my faith in humanity.

Pragmatist2 April 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I am shocked, I tell you. Shocked!

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Members of Congress have asked whether the incident was an aberration, or a symptom of how staff behave on overseas trips.

Why don't they just check with Senator Vitter?

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

My guess is that most members of Congress, like most Americans, have never been overseas and just can't IMAGINE what all the fuss is about.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

And on a last note – were WWII troops technically supposed to be taking sex tips from Hitler?

ChernobylSoup April 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

When I was a wee jarhead we'd get in trouble for throwing out spent shell casings. These guys are throwing out whole human women?

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm

So wasteful! They should consider recycling.

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I don't know how many times I've had a hooker get pissed when I shoved her out of my moving vehicle. You think they'd be a bit more grateful.

Barb April 25, 2012 at 5:39 pm

That's why you should date only homeless chicks. You can just drop them off anywhere.

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm

But even homeless chicks make you wait half an hour while they "get ready."

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I TOLD you this story needed moar Brazilian shemales!

SexySmurf April 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

You know who else gave me the clap?

Seriously, I really need to know.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I don't know if it was me but do you have a slight overbite, red hair, a Harry Truman tattoo on your left butt cheek and tendency to giggle anytime someone says Hyundai?

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm

…Oh fuck.

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Paid her medical bills!?!?! Stop apologizing for America, Obummer!

emmelemm April 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Everything is terrible.

(Seriously, they threw her from a moving car? Which does not appear to be in dispute, if the U.S. paid her medical bills.)

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm

These Marines admit to getting a Brazilian? Bet that hurt.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 5:42 pm

This is why Open Heterosexuals must not be allowed in our Military!

OneYieldRegular April 25, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Except maybe under a "don't ask, don't ask" policy.

edgydrifter April 25, 2012 at 5:43 pm

And last month a letter carrier in Phoenix was caught stealing gift cards from the mail. Truly, this is the most corrupt administration in our nation's history. SHAAAAAMME!!!

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Now the Marines are in this War on Women this is getting serious. What's next, drones?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Attention, long dead WWII racist propaganda caricaturist: Tojo and Mussolini wouldn't have been wearing swastika armbands. What are you, stupid?

EDIT: Why, yes, I used to enjoy the letter column in Sgt Fury and his Howling Commandos, which would complain about inaccurate details in weapons… I remember being rather exercised myself once when a WWII comic depicted–get this!–a B-17 bomber with tricycle landing gear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 6:05 pm

I drew once drew a B-17 with two ball turrets. Nobody complained.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 6:12 pm

RANDALL JARRELL LIBEL!

Get the hose…

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The greatest war poem ever. No disrespect to Owen or Sassoon. And since the "no domino shall fall" days, the prose has been put to music — with mixed results.

PhilippePetain April 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Seriously, anybody throwing a woman from a moving car should be summarily shot.

Sorry. Not really. I guess. This really upsets me. Oh, but "first of all, thank you for your service." Fucking gag me with a bayonet.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Tossing a woman from a car sound like *exactly* the sort of Dishonorable Conduct that would get you shot, at least in the French Foreign Legion…

Naked_Bunny April 25, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Maybe just be more moderate and throw him from a moving vehicle? Not specifying the type of vehicle, mind you.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm

C-130 at 20,000 feet?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Marines do that on Tuesdays. But keep thinking.

finallyhappy April 25, 2012 at 5:47 pm

what, our soldiers go to prostitutes??? the UN just rapes women for free

Dr. Nick Riviera April 25, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Young men use prostitutes? I BLAME CLINTON'S BLOWJOB!

Aridzona April 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

How many is a brazillian?

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm

About a hundred Reals.

littlebigdaddy April 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Who would want 100 Rielles?

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Three, from what the report said…

Aridzona April 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Badabing!

Dr. Nick Riviera April 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I don't understand what the RW is trying to imply here…Obama is so sexy everyone in his administration wants to make sexytime all the time?

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Yes, so we need Mittens and his magic underwear to make us all keep our pants on.

It frightens me that I can see how this all makes sense in wingnut land…

V572 Fehrnstrom April 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The idea that young men stationed far from home would seek professional companionship is astonishing, horrifying, another black eye for That Colored Man in the White House.

Although pitching her out of a vehicle is pretty disgusting. What'd she do—demand full payment?

SteveMcCroskey April 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Smedley Butler!

The very idea that wealthy businessmen from Wall Street could take over the United States government is sheer nonsense.

That could never happen in a million years…

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Author of "War is a Racket" and holder of TWO Medals of Honor.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Wounded in the Filipino Insurrection at the age of 19.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

The current crop of chickenhawks screaming for moar war would have to stand on their grandma's shoulders to look this man in the eye.

SayItWithWookies April 25, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Our current treatment of whores is just downright indecent. Why back in the day, soldiers were required to fall madly in love with their whores, want to marry them, and send their kid sister to America where she could get an education.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You'll have to jump.

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

When I was in Korea, I knew a guy who went to the local village, got serviced and then gave her his pay check the next day so she could buy her way out of the contract she naively got herself into. The rest of the month, he had no money and was borrowing change from everyone. The next month, he does this same thing again, only with another woman. The third month, yup, one more time. The First Sergeant called him into the Orderly Room and informed him he was restricted to post from now on. The young soldier protested this order and asked why? First Sergeant: "Because you're too fucking stupid to leave the post, that's why."

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm

required to fall madly in love with their whores…marry…send their kid sister

Yes, where are the Nately's whores of yesteryear? No; wait..

Geminisunmars April 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Gasp. Send in the Marines. Oh, wait…

WhatTheHeck April 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

embed a hooker in with the troops and everything runs more efficiently. See General Hooker circa 1860's.

Warwhatgoodfor April 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm

There were so many of them following the grand army of the Potomac when he was the commander that the name "hookers" was taken from it and persists to this day.

fuflans April 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm

um, i think pretty much every army in history had embedded hookers.

at least that's what shakespeare, hammurabi, ovid, and joss whedon would have me believe.

Sir_Fartz_Alot April 25, 2012 at 11:41 pm

you mean T.J. Hooker?

Maman April 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

What? no female soldiers around?

CountryClubJihadi April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm

They probably look like Lynndie England.

Naked_Bunny April 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I'm shocked myself. Aren't American Marines supposed to be getting their foreign prostitutes gratis? I thought I saw that in one of their ads.

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm

We have to brutalize women over there so that we don't brutalize them here… or something…

RavenRant April 25, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Since they're screeching for a full investigation into the Secret Service and prostitutes, can we finally find out why, during the Bush years, a male prostitute using an alias was given 200 day passes to the White House?

'Journalist' 'Jeff Gannon' was actually pricey gay prostitute James Guckert. So why did Bush's Secret Service clear a hooker with a fake name to enter the White House 200 times?

America needs answers!

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Well, Senator Juan McCain had a hot piece of Brazilian tail in his misspent sailor's youth, and look how he turned out!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/22/brazilia

His foreign policy advisor even touted it as foreign "experience"!
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2008/10/mcca

chascates April 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm

In his book, McCain wrote about his rambunctious time in Rio, saying he and his fellow sailors "indulged in the vices sailors are famous for."

Now he indulges in the vices politicians are famous for.

fuflans April 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm

man he was on a TEAR today.

dude really needs to retire and get the kids off his lawn.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 1:43 pm

So, you're saying there's a bustier, browner, twenty years older version of Megz Mc Cabe somewher in the Amazon?

Numbat_Dundee April 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I have a dream, that some day, in the backblocks of Rio, marines will push male and female prostitutes out of moving cars. Then we'll know for sure that "Don't ask. Don't tell." is dead.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

What's most depressing about this story is the little-known fact that the Marines paid the woman, then threw her out of the car before actually fucking her. Piss-poor training, indeed!

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

They didn't even get some jarhead?

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Gyrene Crime is so confusing for country boys.

Warwhatgoodfor April 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Well, nobody ever said marines were mental giants. Their drill sargents used to say you couldn't give them longer than a 15 minute coffee break, or you had to restart their training.

MilwaukeeKent April 25, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Ready. Fire. Aim.

Mumbly_Joe April 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Soldiers frequenting prostitutes???!!

I'm certain nothing like this ever happened in my parents' or grandparents' day, I'll tell you what.

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Me offer you scintirrating conversation rong time.

Wile E. Quixote April 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hey, these dorks were Marines, not soldiers. Soldiers are in the Army. Seriously, want to know how to piss off a Marine? Call him a "soldier", they get really cranky about this.

Mumbly_Joe April 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

That's a fair point; the Marines were, after all, historically an outgrowth of the Navy, which means that these prostitute-frequenting military gents were much closer to seamen.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I see what you did there.

littlebigdaddy April 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

When JFK was stationed in San Diego in the Navy, he would go down to TJ and bang all the hookers he could.

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Damnit jarheads, they're Little Brown Fucking Machines* not Loft Broad From Machine

*gyrene term, not mine.

Limeylizzie April 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm

That reminds me I need to trim up my pubes, ce soir.

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

trim up my pubes, ce soir

Merci! I mean, "Mercy!"

OK that's enough Wonkette posting fur one day…

Limeylizzie April 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm

You're not Brazilian you're 'Merkin.

littlebigdaddy April 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Join the Marines and go 'round the world!

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

There has got to be a wax job joke in this story somewhere.

RavenRant April 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Speaking of corrupt administrations, are we supposed to have forgotten that Bush's #3 guy in the CIA went to prison for graft?

High level CIA guy whoring himself out for $$$. No threat to national security there.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Please, everyone knows that the only corruption in government is between a colored President and investments in green energy.

RavenRant April 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

The people freaking out about Solyndra were oddly silent when a pallet of $10 BILLION in cash disappeared in one day in Iraq.

The spectacular graft in defense contracting, treasury, department of interior, every area of the Bush Admin, not to mention abusing the DOJ for personal grudges…

These GOP clowns should be hammered with this every time they open their bleating mouths.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I remember in 2008 someone had brought up McCain's statement that he had some feminine companionship in Brazil when he was in the Navy (FIVE AND HALF YEARS!) but I trust he didn't argue about the price the way the young horny toads do these days.

DOH! Chet Kincaid had the actual story! Note to self: read comments before commenting.

OneYieldRegular April 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Not only that, the Marines ate all the urinal cakes in the embassy men's room.

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Mangiacakes!!

dinkybossetti April 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Use it 3 times, and it's yours?

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

It's Italian Swears Week. And everybody on Wonkette gets to use a joke 27 times.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 25, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Cakes they like!

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Well shit. Even Mr. la Volpe fucked hookers when he was in the Navy, and back then he was straight.

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Any old port in a storm!

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm

If they are going to blame the president for these marines' behavior (i.e. patronizing prostitues), I gotta tell ya that, based upon the behavior of my shipmates and myself 30 years ago in Thailand, Hong Kong, Philippines, Korea, Japan, Singapore, Mombasa, and probably some other places I am forgetting, they're going to have to dig up the rotted corpse of Ronald Reagan and drag it through the streets with an SUV and a rope. At least we lived on a ship and didn't have cars to throw them from.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Gingrich continues to receive protection from a scaled-back Secret Service detail, though it's unclear whether that will change before his announcement. Bloomberg/Business Week recently estimated that the detail is costing taxpayers at least $40,000 a day.

How much of that goes to prostitutes? We should just create another civil service position for them to save money.

Wile E. Quixote April 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm

What, they threw a woman from the car? What happened to the good old days when MARINES stood for "My Ass Receives Injected Naval Equipment, Sir?"

Wile E. Quixote April 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

And now for your entertainment, a Tom Lehrer classic.

rickmaci April 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Your story is very vague. Were the Marines busted because they 1) hired a prostitute, or 2) because they threw that prostitute out of a moving vehicle, or 3) because the Defense Department had to pay the prostitute's medical bills for her injuries when they threw her from the truck? What do they teach in journalism school these days?

Mumbly_Joe April 26, 2012 at 7:31 am

Cow, Negro, Dog, All Die

Antispandex April 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

All this noise over a couple of hookers? It IS an election year.

mavenmaven April 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Marines and hookers? not news.
Marines getting Brazilian waxings? That would be new.

owhatever April 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Our Marines are down there in the jungles putting their lives on the line for our freedoms, and don't even get to beat up a hooker? Support our troops. Burp.

donner_froh April 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Those Brazilian tranny hookers are irresistible! Or so I have heard…

rocktonsam April 25, 2012 at 7:45 pm

so V D day had a different meaning back then

devtob April 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Pay (and tip) the whore, and don't throw her out of a car or otherwise assault her.

Especially in a foreign country.

Don't the Marines teach recruits the basics at Parris Island?

fuflans April 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm

i think the 'venereal disease as metaphor' is sadly underused in today's cartooning.

MilwaukeeKent April 25, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Another dispute about price, or maybe the prostitute drew the line when one of the Marines demanded a Cleveland Steamer.

Negropolis April 26, 2012 at 12:02 am

Soldiers paying for sex with locals?! Why I never!

iburl April 26, 2012 at 12:50 am

That's why we keep fighting wars in countries with burqas, easily distracted sex fiend marines! It has nothing at all to do with oil and bigotry after all!

imissopus April 26, 2012 at 1:48 am

Apparently none of our asshole politicians has ever been in Boston during Fleet Week.

richmx2 April 26, 2012 at 4:38 am

Has everyone north of the Rio Bravo del Norte gone start, raving mad? I happen to be editing a translation of a Mexican sex-worker's memoirs (which we hope to have it ready for Fall Semester Women's and Latin American Studies courses). It's no secret that U.S. visitors have been coming (and have always come) to Latin America in part because we are not puritanical about sexual matters, nor do we legislate personal behavior. That said, throwing someone out of a moving car is a criminal act, in Brazil or anywhere else in the hemisphere, and has nothing to do with the victim's profession.

Ruhe April 26, 2012 at 9:24 am

Re the Military and prostitutes: Years ago I was working with an old carpenter on a house job and he started talking about how he'd ended up in the Navy at 18. "I hated my dad and didn't want to work with him in his carpentry business so I joined the Navy thinkin' I'd get away and end up somewhere where I could get a hooker. Straightaway in boot-camp another guy says to me 'aint you worried we'll end up in Vietnam?' and I says 'what the fuck is Vietnam?'. I wasn't too smart back then."

DahBoner April 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

We used to have Nightlife here, but she moved away.

//rimshot

DahBoner April 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The girl from Ipanema???

outragedcitizen April 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

The marines fuck hookers? When did that start?

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