Scalia is the real alien!

Attention-whoring nematode Antonin Scalia would like to take a regularly scheduled opportunity to remind America that his is a lifetime appointment and professionalism be damned, on this the occasion of the national attention being paid to the SCOTUS hearing on the constitutionality of Arizona’s “Let’s have a Mexican-hunting party” SB 1070 law, and therefore let you know that illegal immigrants are somewhat like bank robbers. Seems about right, what with how illegal immigrants are constantly stealing money for a living, by working for it at below-market wages.

From TPM:

“What’s wrong about the states enforcing federal law?” Scalia said during his aggressive questioning of U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli. “There is a federal law against robbing federal banks. Can it be made a state crime to rob those banks? I think it is.”

The Reagan-appointed justice mocked the Obama administration’s argument that S.B. 1070 unconstitutionally forces the federal government to re-prioritize its enforcement resources and go after undocumented people who are not dangerous.

“But does the attorney general come in and say, you know, we might really only want to go after the professional bank robbers?” Scalia said. “If it’s just an amateur bank robber, you know, we’re going to let it go. And the state’s interfering with our whole scheme here because it’s prosecuting all these bank robbers.”

The line drew uncomfortable laughter and some gasps in the courtroom.

What is an “amateur bank robber?” Oh right, it is the kind that sneaks into your bank and washes the dishes in the employee lounge instead of breaking open the vault. Makes sense now. [TPM]

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  • Barb

    Scalia is an amateur sperm bank robber.

  • Show me the birf certificate, Scalia. No US American name ends with a vowel. Only people named Smith, Williams, Davis and Kristallnacht are REAL US AMERICANS.

    • Vecchiojohn

      And what kind of name is Antonin for heterosexual male American? Answer me that, huh?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Bad wit is the last refuge of the unintelligent.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    All of us amateur asshats are actually quite jealous of the pros like Scalia.

  • larryfinexx

    Is Scalia still getting it on with Justice Ginzberg?

    • misedumacated


    • Callyson

      Ginzberg libel!!!

  • Limeylizzie

    Scalia is Latin for "Cunt'.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Non-human (i.e. animal) "cunt"…

      • You insult animals, fellow.

        He's quite the niu bi, though.

        • Man0nTheStreet

          So *that's* where "skirt steak" comes from!

          • Ooh, nice idea! (wonders how to work that into a "scene")

          • Man0nTheStreet

            "Frame" the "scene" with "beef curtains" – Serves 6, Adults Only!

          • I was thinking of sneaking up on the Little Woman while she's bent over doing some chore or the other and requesting an hors d'oeuvre of "skirt steak," in a molestingly melting tone of voice (with plenty of hand action). You betcha booty it's adults only.

    • Barb

      And English, too!


      Santorum is Latin for Scalia.

      • Limeylizzie

        Bob Kerrey said Santorum was Latin for Asshole.

        • sullivanst

          And Roget's Thesaurus says…. AOT,K!

    • My shower-head was all crusted with Scalia until I dipped it in some CLR.

      • Limeylizzie

        Oh, I tend to get it between my toes .

    • Generation[redacted]


      • Limeylizzie

        Fucking awesome!

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    If the strongest argument the Solicitor-General can make against SB 1070 is that it would just be really inconvenient for the feds tired to enforce the laws Congress passed—that is, to deport the Messicans Sheriff Arpaio snags in his Brown Dragnet—one has to worry a bit about the future, at least in Arizona.

    Not that there's any reason to go there anyway, once you've seen the Grand Canyon and bought your crystals in Sedona.

    • BerkeleyBear

      The legal argument is that the Federal Government's scheme is comprehensive, to the point where the state's doing anything fucks with it too much. That's a basic principle of preemption in areas like immigration enforcement where the direct issue isn't explicitly dealt with in the Constitution (because there were no immigration laws in the 18th century or even most of the 19th) but everyone acknowledges it is an area of national rather than regional concern.

      Scalia's just being a douche, per usual.

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        Thanks. That makes more sense. Guess that's how Mitt's grandpa was able to come here from his polygamous resort in Puerto Vallarta.

  • JackObin

    Scalia is living proof that catholicism causes brain damage.

  • So basically, he's suggesting that the entire nation is free to ignore the SCOTUS' rullings.

    We can haz President Gore now????

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I don't have personal experience, but I have heard that a case of Scalia is really, really nasty stuff.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      One has to douche with kerosene & holy water to keep it from spreading.

      • Remember NOT to add the holy water until after lighting the match. And standing back, well back.

  • Like his fingernails-on-chalkboard bloviating during the Obamacare proceedings, this sounds fucking stupid (and shamelessly ignorant).

  • prommie

    Hey Scalia, a fongool a bep.

    • Italians make swearing sound like a menu, so allow me to add to your lovely appetizer.

      Figlio di troia, figlio di puttanta

      • anniegetyerfun

        Tasty! I'll take two!

      • It's Italian Swears Week on Wonkette!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Cool. I was getting bored with Wonkette Shark Week, what with the screaming and all.

          • SigDeFlyinMonky

            Meliorism morire per la fica que per la patria.

          • tessiee

            "It is better to die for pussy than for one's country"?

          • Also rendered as "I'd walk a mile for a cameltoe."

  • rickmaci

    Jeezuss Skullfuckia. If you want to be a snarkmeister, quit the bench and become a regular commenter here. Otherwise, leave the smart ass cracks at home and when you put on the black robe do your f'ing job, or at least try to pretend that you are a judge and have not already made up your narrow bigoted mind based on your politics.

  • BTW, Kirsten, can I get the name of that spa Scalia is visiting? I need to lose weight and he looks GREAT in that photo!

  • Boojum

    Scalia is a Koch Whore, the end.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Can it be made a state law to force every brown person who walks into a bank "show their papers"? Scalia certainly hopes so!

    • Guppy

      Saving your money in a US bank requires papers. Remitting it to Mexico does not.

      There's your priorities.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Interestingly, all I had to show was a driver's license and social security card when I opened my most recent. bank account. According to all of my racist coworkers, every illegal alien has these things, possibly several different versions of them.

        Of course, I didn't say "Mexican" – I said brown.

        • Guppy

          That's still the same kind of documentation you're expected to show when you get a new job, to show your "eligibility" to work in this country. It's easier to fly on an airplane than it is to park some cash locally.

          And it's not just remittances to Mexico that are "no questions asked." It's also remittances to the Cayman Islands.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Isn't separation of powers pretty expressly spelled out in that — what the hell's it called? Oh yeah — the one damn document that Antonin Scalia was supposed to know about in order to get the damn job he now has.

    • anniegetyerfun

      The Bible?

    • Project for a New American Century?

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Anything by ALEC?

  • edgydrifter

    By Scalia's impeccable stand-your-ground reasoning, you are free to kill all the Mexicans you see if you're afraid they might steal American jobs.

    • Lionel Messi* better not try out for my striker spot on my bar league team!

      (Yes, I know, Argentinian, but you get the point…)

      • sullivanst

        Argies are Messican too!

    • So, one could shoot Zimmerman for trying to do a cop's job for free?

      Too soon?

    • iburl

      Fear, the all-purpose excuse for legal crimes.

  • Beowoof

    They're brown gun em down is the new legal philosophy put forth by the court. Scalia should be careful with that.

    • After all, he's only been white for about 100 years.

      • Man0nTheStreet

        Only 50 outside of the Eastern Seaboard…

      • Did you ever see the film Monsieur Klein? There's a scene in there where M. Klein, who makes his living buying priceless works of art from Jews fleeing the Reich for a song, asks his elderly father, "Are we Jewish?" And the old man replies, "We've been French and Catholic since Louis the Fifteenth!"

        Nino needs to remember whose side he's gonna end up on.

        • Redgyal

          Or not. The more Obamas there are in the world, the lighter he looks.

      • Beowoof

        I was thinking of True Romance where Dennis Hopper explains Italian genealogy to Christopher Walken.

  • Nostrildamus

    That "uncomfortable laughter" reminded Nino of his wedding night.

    • sullivanst

      "Hahaha Nino you're a piece of shit and I hate you."

    • Callyson

      "That looks like a penis, only smaller."

  • "I can shoot gophers on my property, right? I don't need ATF agents to take care of a couple prairie dogs, do I?!"

    • Barb

      Gopher it! I'm sure there is a "stand your groundhog" law somewhere.

      • You are irrepressible!

        • Barb

          I'm going bonkers over here. Jeff is in a meeting and he needs to come home so that we can leave for vacation. I can't wait to drive through Arizona!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Barb, I wish I had your brain. No, really. Mine is vodka-logged.

        • Barb

          Clean and sober here.
          Come home, Jeffery!

          • Stay away from the Howard Johnson's, they'll ruin your marriage. The LSD, also.

      • Beowoof

        If it's Gopher from the love boat, fire away.

  • MiniMencken

    This Supreme Court won't rest until it has turned the United States into a full-blown police state. No snark here, unfortunately.

    • Beowoof

      But But But they love the constitution.

      • Me_K_Cong

        As a rug for wiping their feet.

  • metamarcisf

    Amateur grave-robber Scalia strikes another blow for judicial integrity.

  • anniegetyerfun

    When my dad was 5 years old, he tied a bandana around his nose and mouth, took his BB gun into the local bank (this is in rural Canada), and tried to hold the place up. In between guffaws of laughter, the teller pressed the alarm, and Dad high-tailed it out of the bank (probably peeing himself in the process).

    THAT is an amateur bank robber.

    And yes, my communist Canadian father DID immigrate to the US and become a US citizen, but he's white, so it's probably no big deal.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Did he know William Shatner??????

      • Or Darrell Issa?

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        Or Neil Young?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      He don't speek none of that Frenchie stuff, does he?

  • Extemporanus

    Su movimiento, Sotomayor…

    • A Salsa Classic! Héctor Lavoe sang that with the Fania All-Stars at Yankee Stadium in '73!!

      • Extemporanus


        Dios mio…that was the show where Jose Feliciano lost his eyesight!

  • littlebigdaddy

    In fairness, he was just repeating what the Pope was saying in his earpiece.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      the pillow-talk, also?

  • Will no one rid me of this troublesome beast?

  • sullivanst

    God I hope Sec. Gen. Verilli smacked Scalia hard upside the head with a copy of the ruling from, say, Wyeth v. Levine, or better yet, Hines v. Davidowitz wrapped around a large gold brick.

    Unfortunately I'm not sure I trust that he did, after his verily woeful performance "defending" the ACA.

    To take Scalia's question at all seriously, you'd have to presume he's entirely ignorant of immigration law, federal preemption doctine, or both. I presume he's just a fucking asshole whose cilice has been too tight for years resulting in brain damage from inadequate blood supply.

    • LetUsBray

      Well, according to Media Matters, he pretty much just lets talk radio do his thinking for him. It's like having everybody's blowhard dumb-as-dirt dipshit coworker on the supreme court.

    • LesBontemps

      Shorter Scalia: "I got yer preemption right here, pal." [pats groin].

    • Even allowing his ridiculous scenario, McFadden makes it clear that states have jurisdiction over all bank branches operating within its borders, not the Fed, whereas the Fed has jurisdiction over citizenship, not the states.

  • Guppy

    Meanwhile, being robbed by a bank is legal in both state and federal jurisdictions.

    There are reasons why bank robbers were cheered around the beginning of the Twentieth Century.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    I think this is the first Wonkette thread-photo that I've ever been truly disturbed by – I mean, who the hell wants to see Scalia naked?! …BARF!!!!

  • BerkeleyBear

    Scalia's extreme level of dickishness, given that the exact same lawyers are up there from healthcare, has me wondering. Is he taking the douchiness to 11 because he knows he's lost healthcare and he is feeling vindictive (this is the guy who said Lawrence v. Texas was going to doom western civilization and that granting habeas corpus to Gitmo internees would lead to thousands of dead American soldiers, so he tends to gripe when he loses)? Especially since Kagen isn't participating in this argument? Or is he feeling super empowered to be a dick now because he got 5 votes to fuck Obama over and is just on a rampage?

    It could be either, but I really hope its the former. Scalia is typically at his most hostile and nasty when he loses or is being criticized publicly, so I just hope he's got a bad case of redass and pays off in upholding the mandate.

    • Someone should prepare a set of Scalia threat-level alerts, with suitably embarrassing icons. I deputize you to provide us with weekly assessments!

      • BerkeleyBear

        It would only have two levels – Asshole and Giant Fucking Asshole. Fortunately the Court is taking a vacation soon, so we'll all have a few months away from the jackass.


    Hey, I am all for States enacting immigration laws as long as they don't transfer any of the workload or prisoners over to federal agencies. After all, a bank robber found guilty under State law serves their sentence in State prison.

    Good luck with that Arizona. Call California if you run into crowding troubles.

  • bikerlaureate

    What’s wrong about the states enforcing federal law? There is a federal law against killing somebody just because they're homosexual. Can it be made a state crime to kill those homosexuals? I think it is.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      The TN legislature will challenge *that* particular Federal Law next week!

  • Come here a minute

    Scalia should follow the lead of Justice Thomas and STFU, with the possible exception of the occasional quacking noise.

    • sullivanst

      They should both follow the lead of Andrew Breitbart, and make some room on the bench for jurists who'll judge cases on their merits.

  • Callyson

    "But does the attorney general come in and say, you know, we might really only want to go after the professional bank robbers?” Scalia said. “If it’s just an amateur bank robber, you know, we’re going to let it go. And the state’s interfering with our whole scheme here because it’s prosecuting all these bank robbers.”

    Is this supposed to make any fucking sense at all?

    • sullivanst

      No, it's just supposed to be douchey. Mission accomplished!

    • Naked_Bunny

      I dunno. Was Scalia supposed to be implying that individual states can enforce federal laws by forming treaties with other countries, establishing standing armies, and printing their own currency?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Are you suggesting that Arizona can't invade Mexico?

        • Naked_Bunny

          Hell, I'm not even suggesting they can't invade New Mexico!

          • HistoriCat

            I'm all for that – as long as Scalia personally leads the charge.

  • I believe that the professional bank robbers are the ones who get bonuses for emptying out peoples' retirement accounts, whereas the amateurs only get base pay for the same.

    Long-standing federal policy, in other words, has been that we only go after the amateurs.

  • Article 1, Section 8 of the Constitution buddy. The states can't prosecute bank robbers if the constitution says only the Federal Governmnet has to power to set bank robbery policy

    How the fuck does a Supreme Court Justice not even know the enumerated powers of the Federal Government or understand the Supremacy clause?

    • sullivanst

      Willful ignorance.

      Or perhaps in this case, pretending he doesn't know because that opens up the opportunity to indulge in his favorite hobby: being a complete jerk.

      • Really tho I was a german major and I smoke so much weed I can't even remember what I had for breakfast but even I know that. FFS, the man is sitting on the highest court in the land and never even bothered to read the first few paragraphs of the document he's purporting to interpret/uphold

  • It only reinforces my faith in our judicial system to have a sitting Supreme Court justice playing to the cheap seats.

  • Mojopo

    Whenever I see Scalia's photo, doctored or not, I feel like he would smell of mustard and bad breath, and that his fingers and face would be greasy.

  • ttommyunger

    I would post something really snarky now, but I have to go take a huge Scalia…

  • Naked_Bunny

    This is the same Scalia who overrode Florida's state election process in Bush v. Gore, right?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Scalia's all opposed to Big Gummint … except when it serves conservatard interests.

    • LesBontemps

      Duh. "States Rights" is reserved for oppressing browns.

  • Boojum

    Scalia would love these songs:

    • sullivanst

      Yup, those are all the way down to his level.

      "The U.S.S. of A."? That would make no sense at all: the Union of Soviet Socialist of America. Well, she's redneck, rightwing and blonde, so I guess it's to be expected with that trifecta. Miracle she knew how to use a microphone.

  • Antispandex

    I don't know…this could be some sort of reverse psychology. Scalia sounds like a Mexican name to me….or, you know, a bank robber's last name.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Arizona claims to be spending so much money on the problem of illegal immigrants. Am I the only one who wonders how much they might save if they just quit all the Arpaio-style douchebaggery? Not to mention paying platoons of lawyers to litigate all their douchebaggy laws?

  • Redgyal

    What is an “amateur bank robber?” Oh right, it is the kind that sneaks into your bank and washes the dishes in the employee lounge instead of breaking open the vault.

    Yes, but what is an amateur capitalist???

    • A bank robber who writes robbery note on own deposit slip.

  • tessiee

    *turning hat around in both hands*
    A humble request…
    Please to refrain from any more pictures of Scalia — preferably any of them, but most definitely the nekkid ones.
    Thank you ever so.

  • Gov. Jan Brewer was interviewed "on the steps of the Supreme Court" after today's argument. She sounds extremely dumb–like developmentally disabled dumb. Seems that anyone can get elected to anything in Arizona.

    • fuflans

      honest to god i just heard that quote today.

      now i don't know how this will turn out, but i JUST said to my boy: why are all the monsters winning in murica right now??

  • fuflans

    hey! i didn't know we had that in common: canadian parent who immigrated to well, down here.

    however, my mom actually speaks beautiful french (she grew up in montreal) and – i am not making this up – acted briefly in canada with william shatner.

  • dopper0189

    Well if you decided the Government can decide to not enforce the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th amendments, I think it;s perfectly logical they can ignore something that is just a "law".

    • Me_K_Cong

      Have you noticed how her head flops left/right when she talks? And how it makes a clanking sound, like a cowbell?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They're more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules.

  • What the Justice Department needs is a Solicitor General that can put things in terms that Nino can understand. "Your Honor, SB1070 means that any retired Pollack yahoo from Berwyn can demand that a cop require proof of legality from anyone they don't like who speaks with an accent or has a complexion other than white, even Wops like us, capiche? Putting aside the question of Federal jurisdiction, since 75% of people of Mexican decent in Arizona are American citizens, and the law is clearly targeted at the Mexican population, it has great potential for harassment of the otherwise law-abiding. Further, that retired Pollack can demand that the cop be called to account for NOT demanding proof of citizenship from that olive-skinned Wop who "looked a little ethnic to him."

  • On the plus side anytime Scalia is the subject of a news profile it causes someone, somewhere, in some undisclosed location to say something along the lines of 'that is one ugly motherfucker."

  • I had a Canadian friend in college that was known for his awful French.
    We called him Mais-Oui, (pronounced maah-waah), due to his horrible accent.

  • WonkCynic

    Illegal chilli shitters should earn their right to legal citizenship by by working in brothels that service Marines and Army grunts. No free foodstamps or HUD checks for those chilli shitter bitches until they've after they've sucked off a at least a few hundred marines. Fair is Fair. Nothing in the world is free. This ain't a Goddamned taco commune.

    • Boojum

      No, nor is it the video game fantasy from which you must return to your Mom's basement, covered in Cheetoh dust and baby oil, listening to your Mom's screams of delight and the tramp, tramp, tramp of the booted feet of the 101st.

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    phuck pheonix

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    I grew up there, and my high school French teacher acknowledged she was teaching us gutter Frog. She used to say you could pass for Quebecois in Montreal by talking in English while pursing your lips like you're kissing through chicken wire.

    "Werr ihzz deuh boos?"

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I know — it's almost as if Bush appointed them based on their political views, or something. Weird, innit?

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