CHOOSY MOMS CHOOSE TIFFS  12:34 pm April 25, 2012

‘Moms’ Newest Battalion In War On Moms

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Moms work: taking the kids to school and practiceOh noez! The moms did not get the memo that it is that dastardly Barack Obama who is #WARRING them, because a Democrat said something catty once! Either that, or all moms just hate all other moms and cannot wait to WAR on them too, because players gotta play, cats gotta be bitchez. (Right, Richard Grenell?) In any event, new polling shows that Hairbot 5000 is losing moms just as badly as he is losing all other ladies, even though the gender gap is a myth. Tell us more, PPP:

That is especially too bad for GOP nominee Mitt Romney because usually at least the mom sector of ladies edges Republican, sitting there in their minivans and understanding the economy because they take their kids to school and practice, and doing other mom stuff (anal?) while their slutty little sisters the swingles vote hot-and-horny D. Here, have another screenshot!

It is really, really too bad for Ol’ Grampa Hairgel that Rick Santorum had to open his smegma-slicked yap about birth control being of the Debbil, and calling every woman a whore, thus bringing on this whole mishigas. Sorry Mittster. Couldn’t have happened to a … person? We will go with “person.” [DailyKos]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 148 comments }

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

One would have thought the "Mom Jeans" would have won them over. Who knew?

ThundercatHo April 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

You are smokin' 'em today.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

When I get in early, I get the low-hanging fruit. I'm just having slow morning today at home, but thanks.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Odd. You'd think moms would be used to mechanical things that buzz when you flip their switch…

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Vibrator libel!

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Iiiiiiiiiiiii dddddddddddddon'tttttttttttttt knnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow whatttttttttttttttttt youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu meannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…….

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

But does Mittens have a spin cycle?

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Well, consider his flip flops, Imma say yes.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

A vast majority of mothers are women.

WIDTAP April 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Of course, otherwise you would have spelled that with a "u".

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Choosy moms choose Mitt.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I think you misspelled "boozy"

Dudleydidwrong April 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Shouldn't that be "Cheesy"?

donner_froh April 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Mitt would have done better if they polled motherfuckers instead of just mothers.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

No, he scores badly with gigolos, too.

donner_froh April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

He polls great with Juggalos.

Crank_Tango April 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

It's the underoos.

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

… "36% of mothers have a favorable opinion of Mittens"; BUT, "43% of moms will vote for Mittens."

This is the kind of metric that makes my brain get cramps.

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

and 63% of moms will pin mittens to your jacket.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

"You NAUGHTY kittens!"

Sorry, been reading to the kids…

Biff April 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Do kittens even like pie?

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Not sure, but they sure cry over not getting any of it.

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Sorry, been reading to the kids…

Adorableness. I remember I really loved the 3-Little-Kittens story/ rhyme being read aloud to me.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I did too. And it has a happy ending!

SayItWithWookies April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Seven percent of women are voting for Mittens because their LDS bishop told them they'd be going to hell if they didn't.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

In Deseret, there is no separation of ward & state.

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Democrats fall in love, Republicans fall in line.

WhatTheHeck April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Mother, why did ya have to get so high
for Obama?

V572 Fehrnstrom April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Anyone else notice that the word "mother" has been almost entirely replaced by the word "mom"?

Could it have anything to do with the near ubiquity of the expression "motherfucker"?

Hardly anyone remembers the Mothers of Invention anymore.

Is there any significance to this?

chascates April 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Necessity is a mother.

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

What can I say about this elixir?!!!

(I remember them. Would you like me to recite the entire Mothers live at the Filmore album?)

Geminisunmars April 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

You might as well. It'll be a long time before you get another opportunity like this.

boobookitteh April 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Momfuckers.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Arlo Guthrie: Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me!

V572 Fehrnstrom April 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

In the 1996 presidential election, Senator Dole didn't do as well as he expected to with soccer motherfuckers.

FlownOver April 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Frank Zappa: "If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they'll murder you in your sleep."

That could tend to reduce the extent of the Rmoney lead among the Olds.

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

While few may remember the Mothers of Invention, the title of one of their albums is now the GOP motto: We're Only in It for the Money.

MosesInvests April 25, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Motherly Love! (Get it now) Motherly Love! Forget about your brotherly and otherly love, Motherly Love is just the thing for you….

DaRooster April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"It is not as though Moms are people too my friend."

WiscDad April 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm

They're actually 'other people'

DaRooster April 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Which is still better than 'those people'.

gullywompr April 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I think the GOP is the real mom – "Because I said so, that's why!"

prommie April 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Ah, the classic argumentum O'Reillium.

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"I have a lotta friends that own moms"

-Mittens-

SexySmurf April 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I bet Obama is polling even better with Baby Mamas.

edgydrifter April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Willard is banking on Real American Moms voting against their own self-interest, like their idiot husbands have been doing for decades.

ChernobylSoup April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Well I think I like Obama but Mitt seems nice but god did you see Ann's shoes OMG I can't believe she wore those in public and Michelle makes me feel like I just can't get it all done you know what I mean LOL – she does IT ALL and that Joe Biden seems nice even if his wife is a know-it-all but Obama makes me FEEL like I'm important, you know?

Lascauxcaveman April 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

So you're gonna vote for Mitt because your husband said so?

Shit.

Geminisunmars April 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Oh. I thought that was a quote from Marcus Bachmann.

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Overheard while waiting in line at Woodfield Mall to see the Kardashians last week?

randcoolcatdaddy April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Meh. Who needs mommas when you've got Ted Nugent on your side …

SayItWithWookies April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It's too bad women have been brainwashed by the Democratic Party when really the Republicans want what's best for them. I mean, what part of "We'll give you war and punishing debt and we want the right to look up your hoo-ha whenever we feel like it" don't those ignorant sluts understand?

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

You know women just can't wrap their pretty little heads around politics – Important Things like that are for Men to decide, it's not women's-work!

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm

You had me at "hoo-ha".

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

That's one way to get an upfisting.

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Which political party do MILFs tend to go for?

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Ya beat me to it….

ChernobylSoup April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"There's a political party in my pants and you're invited."

ed – put "s around it so you wouldn't get any ideas, Baldar.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Given their anything goes stance on ethics & morals, I would suppose Green (if they smoke pot) or Libertarian (if they merely want to tax it).

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Key Party!

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Use the divining rod in your pants to find some, and then ask them.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I like to pole MILFs

iburl April 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Here's a weird theory, maybe Moms are seeing all the cutbacks going on at schools and say to themselves… "Hmm, which party has made it a bedrock principal to remove money and teachers from my kid's schools, thus stymying their futures and creating a failed state full of ignorant theocrats?"

OneDollarJuana April 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I think it's more that after school sports programs are being cut, thus eliminating the opportunity for moms to drop the kids off at the game and get a little time to themselves with that hidden bottle of gin under the sink. Now the little anklebiters are around all the damn time.

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm

These moms just haven't heard yet that Obama went to North Carolina and he is cheating buddies with John Edwards and has never denied that he was doing three-ways with Edwards and Rielle, which was why Edwards wasn't sure he was the baby daddy, her being such a cum-dumpster.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

We need to drill down and see what the polling data shows when you ask respondents if they are "dog people" or "cat people."

VaWyo April 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I ride inside, bitches

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

The Republicans may not realize that their war on women is an attack on moms too, not just single women; there are a lot of moms out there who don't want more children, for instance.

MissTaken April 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

What?! I thought every woman's dream was to be like that Duggar woman.

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Don't you just dream of being nothing but brood mare for a number of brats in the double digits?

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

That's what GAWD intended us Good Christian Wimmin-folk for, rite?

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

With IQ's to match?

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"…there are a lot of moms out there who don't want more children, for instance."

But, really, do they have a choice. Real men control their womens.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

That 36% that thinks Republicans give a rat's ass about anyone other than rich old white men are a cult.

DerrickWildcat April 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Fox news: Why do Moms hate America so much?

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Because the Rev. Pat Robertson was RIGHT about the Liebrul Sekular Homosekual Commie SATANIC brain-washin' of the wimmin-folks!

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

There is nothing uglier than Mom on Mom violence. However, Milf on Milf is a popular pron niche. Go figure.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Now you've got me wondering how many librarians are single moms vs. milfs…

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Why not all three?

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

A momilfbrarian?

Beowoof April 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Well if Mitt shows these Mom's the magic in his underwear maybe he will have the chance to win them over. Ann already offered to unzip Mitt to prove he isn't stiff.

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

M is for the meaningless platitudes
O is for the obvious pandering
T is for the Taxes they'll pay but he won't
H is for the Healthcare he wants to deny them
E is for the empathy as in lack of
R is for Robot

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Danzig better watch his back, with you around.

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Mother….Do you want to vote for Mitt?

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Danzig's a cat person, so he's prolly voting for Mitt. Danzig don't care about dogs on roofs.

mavenmaven April 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Don't worry, Romney and his hatchet men in the advertising world, will pay huge amounts of money for airtime showing pro -"mom" bull@#$% until he closes that gap. We already know they have no problem with editing video falsely…

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

He's losing Apple Pie, Baseball, and Abraham Lincoln too.

VaWyo April 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Don't forget Chevrolet. He lost them long ago because he wanted them to fail.

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Damn you BaldarT!

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

How come everyone ignores what the cougars think about the presidential election? I mean, most of them are moms.

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Trust me, I'm not ignoring the cougars.

hagajim April 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And much more likely to have sex on the first date – according to the Cougar Life commercial I keep hearing on the satellite radio. Dirty ol' ladies.

EatsBabyDingos April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

[singing badly] "Mammories, of the way we were."

Sharkey April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

If you take away the babies, moms are almost like normal people.

VaWyo April 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Don't give the god squad any ideas. They would rip the kids out of liberal women's homes if they thought they could get away with it. Only white babies, of course.

EatsBabyDingos April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Did they poll catepillar mommies, too?

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Here's hoping we move Mother's Day to Tuesday, November 6…

Warpde April 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Wait until Michele finds out 50% of all dem MILFs out there are horny for Barack.

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

'I'll kick ALL y'all's asses, you touch my man!'

BornInATrailer April 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Do Chicagoans say y'all?

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Especially Harvard educated Chicagoans? She is blah, tho…

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The Micks, Bohunks and Giancanas, not so much.

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Now, if those 48 percent Mom's would pull out the cast iron skillet and conk (sp?) their significant others on the heads…we could win this "war".

Maman April 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Republicans are to women as teenagers are to moms.

See all that SAT prep around my house is paying off!

VaWyo April 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

You elitist. You want to send your kids to college?

Terry April 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Note to the GOP: you thought we'd forgotten that transvaginal probe crap but we haven't. Your numbers are bad with moms, maiden aunties, grannies, career women, soccer moms, heck, all women.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

But those vaginas don't belong to originally-sinful wimmins, but to their Husbands and to ALMIGHTY GOD to bring forth snowflake babies!

VaWyo April 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm

We need a "Vote No on Transvaginal Probes, Vote for the Democratics" bumper sticker. I would so put that on my car.

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

The right wing pundits were right! Michelle Obama's devious plot to insult all moms has backfired.

Sharkey April 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

If this keeps up, we'll never get forced sterilization!

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

*Sigh.* My mom, though a lovely woman, is totally a 1950s yes-dear style wife and votes however my dad tells her. Fortunately, I got him to come over from the dark side about 20 years ago. He only voted Republican up until then because that's how his mom voted.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Nixon 1980! He's tanned, rested and ready!

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Barry is just getting a sympathy boost since his mother is dead.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

When does the War on Dads start?

Baconzgood April 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Bring it on! I'm feeling bitey!

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Come at me bros. My Big Green Egg is more than ultimate cooking experience! KABOOM bitches!

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 2:06 pm

It's off the chain baybee.

OneYieldRegular April 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

My mom would've made Mitt Romney sit in the corner until the election was over.

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

My Mom, the younger version of herself, would wash his mouth out with Dial Soap for some of the humdingers he spouts. Her, present 82 year old self, would cuss him out with words I can't believe she even knows.

johnnyzhivago April 25, 2012 at 1:10 pm

They're coming to the same conclusion – Romney is a mother-fucker.

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Moms are gettin' kinda uppity.

What gives them the right to believe they know more about contraception, vaginas, ovaries, estrogen and uteruses than sterile, old, white GOP Evangelical or Catholic males?

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

James Cameron's "Sex Change Avatar"

(Has there really not been a movie about a man whose brain gets switched with a woman's, or have I just forgotten it?)

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Movies like All of Me are always comedies. The problem with the modern GOP is they truly believe they know women's bodies better than women. They don't understand such thinking is comical.

CapnFatback April 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Meanwhile, Obama is polling at 89% with bad Mutha-

Advn2rgirl April 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Hush yo' mouth!

cheetojeebus April 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I mean, who would you like to sit and have a quiet cup of tea in the kitchen with? Or snuggle on the couch after a long day? Or share the shopping chores with the prick who would like to see you publicly examined up the hoohaa with a big plastic probe if you ask for something that is your right?

Jus_Wonderin April 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'll play. But, first, am I a good girl or a slut?

CapnFatback April 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'm just talking 'bout Mrs. Shaft.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

And I can dig it.

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Foolish Moms have lifted their petticoats and allowed Dark Lord Hussein to impregnate them with the Shadow Birth of his Second Term!!
http://www.comicsbulletin.com/main/sites/default/
http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/30500000/g

But killing it would be abortion. Gobama 2012!

proudgrampa April 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Some of my best friends are Moms. Mothers, not so much.

hagajim April 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I didn't read through the comments yet – but does this mean that Mittens is mutha fucked?

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

The only Mom that Mitt can relate to.

Douché April 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Obama is banging every registered single gal between now and the erection, err election while Mittens is just plain buying each vote. This. Should. Be. Fun.

MarionNYNY April 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

They must have polled the moms in the "unreal" part of America.

Sassomatic April 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

As a woman who, according to the state of Arizona, may be pregnant, in some sort of time-traveling Schrodinger's fetus kind of way, I say on behalf of all my (possibly) fellow moms, FUCK YOU MITT ROMNEY.

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

That's still too high. 36% of moms still don't get that Republicans are just not into them.

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

doing other mom stuff (anal?)

Then they probably wouldn't be moms, would they?

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

"You Moms, your bottoms sure do look fat, ha ha! Sprung for the big box of mac'n'cheese and gobbled half of it on the way to the dinner table, huh?"

BornInATrailer April 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Shorter version: Hey, where the right women at?

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

But who will the Faire Queene Of Wistful Divorce favor with her suffrage? True, she does hang out here all the time, but her faraway gaze could mean she'd rather be in rotation on Tucker Carlson's Gentleman Caller site.

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

MOMS! The GOP does make your ass look fat.

(Cue the balloons! This thing's over.)

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Just wait 'til Obama starts singing Barry White songs to the ladies.

teebob2000 April 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I can promise you, anal is most definitely NOT included in "mom stuff."

WonkCynic April 26, 2012 at 1:42 am

Republican moms have tits. Liberal moms have jugs. Independent moms have beautiful lovely vivacious breasts that are to die for. God loves independent bitches. You partisans are a pain in the ass!

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Ann Romney uses only Ralph Lauren® Polo® bandages. Polo® has been the Official Boo-Boo Dressing Partner for Romney Familial Holdings LLC since 1972. I am sure you regret the error.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I always get Polo® and Dressage mixed up.

FraAnima April 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Michelle's head snap registers a 6.5 on the richter scale.

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