SOME US AMERICANS DON'T HAVE MAPS  11:46 am April 25, 2012

Miss South Carolina Teen USA Now Running For Gabby Giffords’ Seat, Like Such As

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

I personally believeHey Jesse Kelly, Republican dude running for Gabby Giffords’ Arizon seat! What do you think about healthcare, is it a right or a privilege?

My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.

Miss South Carolina Teen USA, what do you think?

[ThinkProgress]

 
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{ 187 comments }

FlownOver April 25, 2012 at 11:49 am

Asshole. Such as.

PsycWench April 25, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Paging Sarah Palin…

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

You can run for the vacant seat, Jesse Kelly, soon as you're done running from the little tweety bird voices circling your befuddled head.

bflrtsplk April 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

The Rethugs will, of course vote for the little voices in her becawze those are the same voices they hear in their pea sized nogginz.

OneDollarJuana April 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

I bet he feels that he has the right to that congressional seat, but that the public has the responsibility to pay for it.

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I wish I had the privilege of voting against him. But I'll settle for the right to tell him to fuck off.

sewollef April 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Err, according to Jessie boy, I believe cursing is covered by that right/privilege thingie too.

So you don't have that right…. you'll have to earn it.

ChernobylSoup April 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

What a waste of a perfectly good white girl.

subsum April 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

One man's waste is another man's … y'know.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Don't worry, eventually the Koch brothers will have her – for dinner…

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm
freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Show us on the doll where you were dropped on your head"

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

"Um, OK, but I don't see Sheboygan on the doll"

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

BaDoBOOM!

donner_froh April 25, 2012 at 11:51 am

A person with a vacant head runs for a vacant seat. Symmetry.

jjdaddyo April 25, 2012 at 11:51 am

AT LEAST HE WAS ABLE TO BE INCOHERENT IN ENGLISH, NOT MESSICAN!

sewollef April 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Incoherent? Illiterate more like.

Did he go to school? Oh wait, school. Is that a privilege or a right, I forget?

Barb April 25, 2012 at 11:52 am

Blah, blah, blah, fuck 'em, and let them die.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

When will Arizona just cut the crap and enact a strict set of "Thunderdome" laws?

Sick? Thunderdome. Cell Phone? Thunderdome. Life, Liberty, Happiness? Thunderdome.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Two wingnuts enter, one wingnut leaves.

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Or while you are still constructing the thunderdome, you can have a smaller and more portable version, designed for thumb wrestling, the thumberdome.

This actually exists http://www.ski-epic.com/burningman2005/pa7b_burni

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Awesome. But, does it include tiny chainsaws for cutting off thumbs?

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

And yet, and yet. He will be elected. The Republic of Retardizona.

Not_So_Much April 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

Sure, he's stupid. But he'll probably kick ass in the evening gown competition.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Double D's (Dumb-ass Douche) to win!

CrunchyKnee April 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

Ima gonna earn me some healthcare by moving to Denmark.

Wile E. Quixote April 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.

Yeah, I feel the same way about national defense. I'm tired of our current bloated, inefficient one-sized-fits-all socialist single-payer Defense Department. Let's privatize that fucker and let the free market provide better, higher-quality, lower-cost solutions.

teebob2000 April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

And we end up with Blackwater. So there.

Dashboard Buddha April 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

We have Blackwater/Xe anyway.

Tundra Grifter April 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I believe it changed it's name. Again. Also.

Dashboard Buddha April 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I think they do that every six months to reassure people that they're not doing anything untoward.

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Most of whose employees got their training and experience on the government's dime.

not that Dewey April 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Most of whose employees got their training and experience asscrack vodka shots on the government's dime.

fixed.

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I meant "Have you ever seen a Blackwater recruiter at a high school?"

Alternatively, "Has Blackwater ever made any of their employees do pushups?"

SayItWithWookies April 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

Y'all are so mean to that poor guy — I mean you wouldn't want people laughing at you just because you said crazy shit after getting shot in the head. Wait — he wasn't the one who got — oh. Oh.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

No, but I'm betting he put plenty of shots in his mouth…

Beowoof April 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

The question is were those shots in the mouth from Sheriff Babeau's "friend".
.

edgydrifter April 25, 2012 at 11:54 am

It's the flag, and freedom. America's strength of opportunity to be liberty. And values. Strong, strong values. Of the family and our sacred faith. You all know that–it's common sense!

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

If I were a tree, I would be an oak tree, an oak tree with strong roots in my religion and community. . . .

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

But what if you need watering?

Exhausted66 April 25, 2012 at 11:54 am

Don't forget about your right to own a gun.
Why can't this guy stay on message?

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

It WOULD make perfect sense for the Repub who is trying to win Giffords's seat to advocate for less mental health care and more weaponry.

PsycWench April 25, 2012 at 10:09 pm

And nothing about tax cuts. I mean, there is no way research on diseases and good preventive care can happen without tax cuts.

evan7257 April 25, 2012 at 11:54 am

Wait, so which is the candidate who had to spend months in the hospital to regain normal brain functions?

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The one that needs gun regulations like a hole in the head.

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Think of what regain means,

Boojum April 25, 2012 at 11:55 am

Is she a Palin?

WhatTheHeck April 25, 2012 at 11:55 am

I see a news analyst for the FoxNoos

Beetagger April 25, 2012 at 11:55 am

She's obviously got a hole in her head too. The perfect candidate.

metamarcisf April 25, 2012 at 11:55 am

Come on, Jesse. You really don't want to win, do you? You need this job like you need a hole in the head.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

It's been far too long since Miss South Carolina Teen USA graced this weebelog.

Thank you, Rebecca.
~

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I tell ya: they put a woman in charge, and suddenly it's all about doing each others' hair, make-up tips, and beauty pageants.

SkinnyNerd April 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Things are getting so bad, that I believed the headline. Then I read the first sentence and breathed a sigh of relief. Then I went on reading. My brain just got off an amazingly wild roller coaster.

flamingpdog April 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

I have a map to South Africa for Jesse Kelly that he is free to use to get there. And stay there.

anniegetyerfun April 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

Woah, that was almost Palin-esque in its poetry. He forgot to mention the troops, though. Amateur.

HobbesEvilTwin April 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

and pallin' around with terrists, also.

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Fightin' for our precious liberties, you betcha, which is ironic 'cause you liberals hate the troops that defend ya.

redarmyzombie April 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

And ya know, we need that offshore drilling, so we can be energy independent, in order to lower the cost of health care, 'n also, maverick!

Drill, baby, drill!

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

Basics of English grammar, learn he must; now like unwise idiot version of Yoda speaks he does.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

What you do there, see it, I do.

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

He has the right to be a dumbfuck. This is America, people!

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Just once in awhile , wouldn,t be nice to see intelligence kinda stand a chance?

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

At least no one can blow this motherfucker's brains out.

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

This. This wins a million mornings.

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Probably at 1 metre it would miss. Upside is that he would not breed.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Prolly a closeted butt-fucker anyhoo, not that there's anything wrong with that….

sewollef April 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Comment of the week.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Aw shucks! (shuffles feet in dust self-consciously)

Negropolis April 26, 2012 at 4:30 am

Oh, fuck. That was brilliant.

ttommyunger April 26, 2012 at 8:27 am

You are too kind, sir.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

Scarily, I took the headline literally & assumed the former Miss South Carolina Teen had ended up at UA for grad school (sociology? journalismism?) but decided to run for Congress instead.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Which, scarily, is completely understandable. You know, Republicans.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

& running in AZ when from SC is fine, 'cause Hillary Clinton.

But, speaking of carpetbagging, I think Romney could have aimed lower but still done the historic — not "first space-cult President" historic, sure — & run & won the Governorship of Utah. I mean, has anyone eve been GOV of two states? Plus, a father who was GOV of a third?

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

Y'know, I did this in my best Foster Brooks impersonation (linky for the chronologically challenged) and it almost makes sense!

PROTIP: I highly recommend this technique for any quote extracted from a Republican. It's especially effective if you actually get drunk to achieve Brooksvana

Tundra Grifter April 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

We've posted about this before, but Foster Brooks' live at the Tennessee State Prison (Johnny Cash Show) doing his "poison mushrooms" and "My Birthday" bits are classic!

So is Linda Ronstadt in a very short dress, but that's another story…

fartknocker April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

Honey, you need to wear a dress using the Confederate flag pattern. It will improve your credibility.

SaraJBenincasa April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

This guy is our new Christ.

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

The power of Jesus Kelly compels me to drink.

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

You can be his Mary Magdelene.

DaRooster April 25, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Oh Jesus… great.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

He'd allow himself to be crucified, but he has a golf date.

Steverino247 April 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

The old Christ was defective. Cruxifiction (sic) violated the warranty.

Blueb4sunrise April 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

fap fap fap fap fap

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Nailed it.

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Can have the honor of driving the spikes?

ph7 April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

Mumbo jumbo without tits just isn't the same.

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

^^ Palin vs Santorum, Q.E.D.

JustPixelz April 25, 2012 at 11:57 am

"The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government."

Which is why the post office will deliver a letter anywhere in the country for 45 cents, while the private sector (UPS, FedEx, etc) charges $10.00.

Which is why the health insurance for the elderly is dirt cheap in the private sector. (Technically that dirt is from your own grave, but it's cheap!)

Which is why the oil companies need subsidies from the taxpayers.

Schmannnity April 25, 2012 at 11:59 am

Soon to join collegue Ben Quayle in the Mensa delegation from Arizona.

Schmannnity April 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Raising Arizona was much funnier than Lowering Arizona.

WonkCynic April 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

This is the produce that is excreted out of the ass-end of No Child Left Behind. If there had been less darkies and chilli shitters taking up space and misbehaving in the back of the classroom, this precious little princess would have learned how to speak eloquently and with great clarity. But alas. We all illiterates now.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

YERROW GULL RIBER!

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Are you referring to Ted Kennedy's NCLB or GW Bush's NCLB?

Biff April 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

finallyhappy April 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

clearly you are

EatsBabyDingos April 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

She drives a VW, because it is the only car name she can spell.

Chichikovovich April 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Yes, and if you ask her the kind of car she drives, she goes: "ABCDEFG(mumbled) ..,(low, inaudible)…(big smile) VW!

widestanceromance April 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

But, then she gets stuck when she runs out of fingers to count the alphabet.

Sharkey April 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

One time it wouldn't start because she forgot to put the key in.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

She's the only person in the world who's ever locked herself IN to her car.

(seriously, you laugh about the "key" thing, but I drive one them keyless entry/ignition cars, and when I rented a truck once, completely forgot I need a key to start other cars…)

Geminisunmars April 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

(Say – you wouldn't be from Arizona, would you?)

bagofmice April 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

What is this pin and tumbler system you speak of? A 128 bit public private cert pair seems far more reliable.

Beowoof April 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Oh yeah like she could pass a driver's written exam. Oh wait it is South Carolina, never-mind.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

"Ritte yer name (whut pippul calls y'all)"

Blueb4sunrise April 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Ron Barber, the D candidate, probably will not sling mud. It will be up to volunteers to do it.
http://www.blogforarizona.com/.a/6a00d8341bf80c53

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

This kind of thing is a symptom of a disease that broke out in late 2008-early 2009 called "asploded head syndrome." Its similar to the dementia caused by late-stage syphillis. The cause of this syndrome was the election of a "black president." This caused a widespread epidemic of cognitive dissonance, with all the rage and incoherence associated with same. The end result was what we scientists call an "asploded head," their brains just went "boom" and got all scrambled up.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

This is the gentleman who, when he ran against Giffords, had a "shoot a fully automatic M-16 with Jesse Kelly" fundraising event to "get on target" to "remove Gabrielle Giffords." He also began gunning for Giffords' seat within days of the shooting.

I'm sure he'll blow away the opposition.

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

It's been a privilege, Jesse.

MissTaken April 25, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it?

So Jeebus should start paying my cell phone bill? Sounds good to me.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Yes, but He's dropping your data plan. No more sexting for YOU, missy!

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Also, isn't health care kind of a prerequisite for that right of life there?

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Oh sure! What do you think the transvaginal wanding is for????

MissTaken April 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

He's part of that "Life Ends at Birth" movement.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

If Jeebus, or ANYone else, paid my bill, I could get off this POS MetroPCS. Sounds good to me, too! Also.

ETA: Metro with my Android is actually a pretty good deal, just not so good anywhere outside a metro area; it's right there in their name…

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

re: The Miss Teen USA video….it would be really cool to mash this up with the ubiquitous "Hitler in his bunker" YouTube….

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator"

Apparently, the Declaration of Independence was written by Jesus (who probably looks like johnny-van-zant ) .

Too bad for mankind that sponge cunt Jesse Kelly has the privilege to multiply.

Chichikovovich April 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator.

Life, eh? So you're opposed to capitol punishment? You do know what "inalienable" means, I hope.

Remember, this is God securing those freedoms, not the gubiment.

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

My creator was my father when he was drunk. Just because he said oh gud dint not make gud my creator.

Negropolis April 26, 2012 at 4:36 am

Is capitol punishment when we stick the guy in the Senate chambers, one night, lock the door, and see what becomes of him in the morning?

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Maybe she should just draw and then give the electorate of Craziest Stupidest Muthafucka land maps because they help people, like you know, find stuff.

I would vote for her twice, only because she gave the USA the greatest name ever, US America.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

And "the Iraq".

DaRooster April 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator."

Um… nope… Thomas Jefferson. But to be fair… I think he did do some creating if you know what I mean… hubba hubba.

Sharkey April 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

She seems fappable to me.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Teen is a vague term. There should be a clear distinction between 17 and 18. Just sayin'.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

There is!

One is barely legal, the other is a misdemeanor in most states.

Trust me, I've researched this carefully.

CapnFatback April 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Kelly concluded his remarks by yelling, "SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!"

HarryButtle April 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

WYLD STALLYNS!

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Is this guy another mutant offspring of Vagina Foxx or what?
The formula:
[Lame attempt at defending an indefensible hypocritical right wing position]…life liberty pursuit (or some other inane platitude like "freedom!')…[nonsensical gibberish]

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I will withhold my judgment of Jesse Kelly until I see him prance around in his bikini.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Pardon me, but do you have some BrainBleach™ I might borrow?

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

We saw Jesse do that years ago in a bio-pic called "Silence of the Lambs".

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If Jesse would remain silent, he might have a better chance of being elected.

Blueb4sunrise April 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

….running for Gabby Giffords’ Arizon seat!

To save money, the final 'a' in Arizona has been removed.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Maybe Wonkette will lease it back to them, like all their capitol buildings.

Blueb4sunrise April 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Only if we actually lose money in the deal, mmmkay.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Conservatives are awesome at money. I was reminded of this last night, watching Frontline: http://to.pbs.org/I5v1qP

Speaking of Arizona, if John McCain can stop saying "Build The Dang Fence!" for a coupla days, maybe he can "suspend" his campaign for whatever and fly to Washington and save the world from bad economics again, like in 2008.

Guppy April 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

There's was nobody around to maintain that last letter after they got rid of all the Mezzicans.

Slim_Pickins April 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

That's a belief system?!!!!

widestanceromance April 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Sometimes, the tree of liberty must be fertilized with the soup of language.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Don't forgit yer greens! A word salad won't hurt either.

widestanceromance April 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Salad is raw soup and requires chewing. The masses need it boiled to a soggy pablum, so force-feeding is easier.

chascates April 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

And Jesus said to the multitudes: go thou when ill to the emergency rooms. There will they take care of thee. Healthcare is available to all. Some, more than others.

BZ1 April 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

just a word salad

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

That Miss Teen South Carolina also proved herself to be an idiot again later when she went on The Amazing Race; here's a few bits where she showed her complete stupidity, like thinking "take the funicular" meant "walk", and thinking Joan of Arc was a man.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZVez0Ixffw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah7y0Ri8554

Blueb4sunrise April 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Uh oh, what's 'funicular'?

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Most US Americans don't have funiculars, such as.

SorosBot April 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Though most of us can probably figure it's not the stairs.

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Hmmm… "funiculars" sounds like "binoculars" but with "fun" instead of "bin" so something fun that looks like binoculars…

BOOBIES! TAKE THE BOOBIES!

finallyhappy April 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

funiculee, funicula, – didn't you sing that in school?

MissTaken April 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

But, funicular has 'fun' in it and everyone knows a walk is fun! She's smart!

And that nasty Joan of Arc heard voices and was probably a lezbo. See? She's smart!

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Arc is a boys name. Every Palin fan knows that.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Way to go–I made it nearly to the end of the 1st 'tube you posted, so now I've officially watched more of that show than ever before.
Jerk!

Sharkey April 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"Vote for me because Gabby Giffords got too much health care!"

Generation[redacted] April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Everyone with a gushing head wound has the right to pursue healthcare, but not necessarily to obtain it.

DaRooster April 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

BAR-B-Q!!
Puppy breath.
Sugar lumps.
Sea weed.
Derp!

bomble April 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I like, but I think it sounds a lot more like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5nu5GRDzog

Dashboard Buddha April 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Wouldn't health care, which has been proven to hold off death, which is the opposite of life, fall under that whole life, liberty, pursuit of happiness thing?

The dimwit is strong in this one.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

And not even remotely comparable to a fucking cell phone?

rickmaci April 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Mr. Kelly…."what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

^^ Mr. Kelly's intro as he gives his Nomination-Acceptance speech…

MissTaken April 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

*This* is why eating Mad Cow is a bad idea.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Just ask Denny Crane!

GeneralLerong April 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

No wonder $arah "Bullseye" Palin wants to move to Arizona – they talk good there and understand her perfectly.

prommie April 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The I.Q.s are the right height.

randcoolcatdaddy April 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Translation:

My belief system is this. Me. Me, me, me. That’s what I believe.

mavenmaven April 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

He's on the "right" side of the rifle, so he will win, unfortunately.

Warpde April 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Shouldn't she be at home cook'n and a clean'n and a pumpi'n out the bubies?

oldedinvn April 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Thank the gawds that I have hats & tee shirts what says I am sumthin other than Umerikan. How embarrassing to be labeled the name that is associated with stupid.

finallyhappy April 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I have t-shirts like that too- but I don't think anyone thinks I am really from Thailand or Peru

sewollef April 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Tell me he's fucking nuts. Please don't tell me he's going to win Gifford's seat? Please.

vtxmcrider April 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Jesse Kelly is an Iraq war vet. Getting hit in the head with an IED is real bad shit.

spareme April 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Arghhhh – pulled out half my hair reading Jesse boys comments, was pulling the rest of it out during Miss South Carolina Teen Stupid's comments – thankfully the emcee cut her off. Wonder if she was home schooled….

weejee April 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

The blonde definitely has the brains over Jesse Kelly. That, however, does not comfort me. Isn't there some law, or some vermiform appendage to the Constitution, that requires someone to have a higher IQ than a tadpole to run for Federal Office?

Tundra Grifter April 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Don't get Jesse started on "opposite marriage!"

hagajim April 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Where the hell does the GOP keep finding their idiots? The gene pool on that side of the aisle must be a very deep/dense one full of fucking morans.

Dashboard Buddha April 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

As always…you can't spell crazy without AZ.

freddymcmurray April 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I assume by "inalienable" she means "no aliens".

Dudleydidwrong April 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Jesse Kelly: "he," "she," or "it"? Inquiring minds want to kno…No, screw it. Who cares? Whatever it is, it needs to crawl back under some Arizona cactus and just shrivel up. Quietly.

Eve8Apples April 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Jesse Kelly is proof that overexposure to the desert sun will not only harm your skin, it will rot your brain.

kissawookiee April 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

This is the genius who ran an ad the day before the 2010 election saying, essentially, "Gabrielle Giffords raised a lot of questions about me recently, and I can't answer all of them right now, but I'll protect America because I love America. Vote for me, for America. America!" To his credit, he did at least seem capable of stringing together basic sentences back then. His only selling point now appears to be "clean."

sumus April 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

What Fox isn't hiring?

rickmaci April 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Thinking about this a bit more, using the pic of Miss S.C. Teen as a graphic for the stupidity of Jesse Kelly is very unfair to her. She was only a high school kid who got on stage and had a brain freeze. He is a 30 something man running for the United States Congress who sounds like a 17 year old girl with brain freeze.

PandoraLaura April 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm

In my next life, God, please bless me with beauty instead of brains. I want to be Miss S.C. Please, please make me that fuckin stupid so I dont have to spend my evenings reading Wonkette comments as reassurance that I am not fuckin crazy!

Negropolis April 26, 2012 at 4:25 am

It says something that Gabby was shot point-blank in the head and has trouble with language, and yet would still be more coherent than this punk.

Sad thing is that it's very likely this idiot wins her seat. He tried before; it "only" took the near-death of his previous opponent to slide his stupid ass in there.

Gawd. This is so depressing.

helgahawke April 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

What outsiders need to understand is that Kelly's vernacular –I like to label it "dreck and drivel"– almost ensures election here in Arizona, especially if the candidate proudly packs a pistol..

outragedcitizen April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm

She will fit in perfectly with all the other GOPbagger assholes.

actor212 April 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

That *hic* wo-wo-wo-wooooooooooooould imp-im-im– mean a dialogggggggggggggurp….

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