I personally believeHey Jesse Kelly, Republican dude running for Gabby Giffords’ Arizon seat! What do you think about healthcare, is it a right or a privilege?

My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.

Miss South Carolina Teen USA, what do you think?


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  • Asshole. Such as.

    • PsycWench

      Paging Sarah Palin…

  • You can run for the vacant seat, Jesse Kelly, soon as you're done running from the little tweety bird voices circling your befuddled head.

    • bflrtsplk

      The Rethugs will, of course vote for the little voices in her becawze those are the same voices they hear in their pea sized nogginz.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I bet he feels that he has the right to that congressional seat, but that the public has the responsibility to pay for it.

    • Callyson

      I wish I had the privilege of voting against him. But I'll settle for the right to tell him to fuck off.

      • sewollef

        Err, according to Jessie boy, I believe cursing is covered by that right/privilege thingie too.

        So you don't have that right…. you'll have to earn it.

  • ChernobylSoup

    What a waste of a perfectly good white girl.

    • subsum

      One man's waste is another man's … y'know.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Don't worry, eventually the Koch brothers will have her – for dinner…

    • Guppy
  • freakishlywrong

    "Show us on the doll where you were dropped on your head"

    • "Um, OK, but I don't see Sheboygan on the doll"

      • freakishlywrong


  • A person with a vacant head runs for a vacant seat. Symmetry.

  • jjdaddyo


    • sewollef

      Incoherent? Illiterate more like.

      Did he go to school? Oh wait, school. Is that a privilege or a right, I forget?

  • Barb

    Blah, blah, blah, fuck 'em, and let them die.

    • When will Arizona just cut the crap and enact a strict set of "Thunderdome" laws?

      Sick? Thunderdome. Cell Phone? Thunderdome. Life, Liberty, Happiness? Thunderdome.

      • freakishlywrong

        Two wingnuts enter, one wingnut leaves.

      • bagofmice

        Or while you are still constructing the thunderdome, you can have a smaller and more portable version, designed for thumb wrestling, the thumberdome.

        This actually exists

        • Awesome. But, does it include tiny chainsaws for cutting off thumbs?

  • freakishlywrong

    And yet, and yet. He will be elected. The Republic of Retardizona.

  • Not_So_Much

    Sure, he's stupid. But he'll probably kick ass in the evening gown competition.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Double D's (Dumb-ass Douche) to win!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Ima gonna earn me some healthcare by moving to Denmark.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.

    Yeah, I feel the same way about national defense. I'm tired of our current bloated, inefficient one-sized-fits-all socialist single-payer Defense Department. Let's privatize that fucker and let the free market provide better, higher-quality, lower-cost solutions.

    • teebob2000

      And we end up with Blackwater. So there.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        We have Blackwater/Xe anyway.

        • Tundra Grifter

          I believe it changed it's name. Again. Also.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            I think they do that every six months to reassure people that they're not doing anything untoward.

      • Guppy

        Most of whose employees got their training and experience on the government's dime.

        • not that Dewey

          Most of whose employees got their training and experience asscrack vodka shots on the government's dime.


          • Guppy

            I meant "Have you ever seen a Blackwater recruiter at a high school?"

            Alternatively, "Has Blackwater ever made any of their employees do pushups?"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Y'all are so mean to that poor guy — I mean you wouldn't want people laughing at you just because you said crazy shit after getting shot in the head. Wait — he wasn't the one who got — oh. Oh.

    • No, but I'm betting he put plenty of shots in his mouth…

      • Beowoof

        The question is were those shots in the mouth from Sheriff Babeau's "friend".

  • edgydrifter

    It's the flag, and freedom. America's strength of opportunity to be liberty. And values. Strong, strong values. Of the family and our sacred faith. You all know that–it's common sense!

    • prommie

      If I were a tree, I would be an oak tree, an oak tree with strong roots in my religion and community. . . .

      • bagofmice

        But what if you need watering?

  • Exhausted66

    Don't forget about your right to own a gun.
    Why can't this guy stay on message?

    • anniegetyerfun

      It WOULD make perfect sense for the Repub who is trying to win Giffords's seat to advocate for less mental health care and more weaponry.

    • PsycWench

      And nothing about tax cuts. I mean, there is no way research on diseases and good preventive care can happen without tax cuts.

  • Wait, so which is the candidate who had to spend months in the hospital to regain normal brain functions?

    • bagofmice

      The one that needs gun regulations like a hole in the head.

    • oldedinvn

      Think of what regain means,

  • Boojum

    Is she a Palin?

  • WhatTheHeck

    I see a news analyst for the FoxNoos

  • Beetagger

    She's obviously got a hole in her head too. The perfect candidate.

  • metamarcisf

    Come on, Jesse. You really don't want to win, do you? You need this job like you need a hole in the head.

  • It's been far too long since Miss South Carolina Teen USA graced this weebelog.

    Thank you, Rebecca.

    • Guppy

      I tell ya: they put a woman in charge, and suddenly it's all about doing each others' hair, make-up tips, and beauty pageants.

    • SkinnyNerd

      Things are getting so bad, that I believed the headline. Then I read the first sentence and breathed a sigh of relief. Then I went on reading. My brain just got off an amazingly wild roller coaster.

  • flamingpdog

    I have a map to South Africa for Jesse Kelly that he is free to use to get there. And stay there.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Woah, that was almost Palin-esque in its poetry. He forgot to mention the troops, though. Amateur.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      and pallin' around with terrists, also.

    • prommie

      Fightin' for our precious liberties, you betcha, which is ironic 'cause you liberals hate the troops that defend ya.

    • redarmyzombie

      And ya know, we need that offshore drilling, so we can be energy independent, in order to lower the cost of health care, 'n also, maverick!

      Drill, baby, drill!

  • SorosBot

    Basics of English grammar, learn he must; now like unwise idiot version of Yoda speaks he does.

    • What you do there, see it, I do.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He has the right to be a dumbfuck. This is America, people!

    • oldedinvn

      Just once in awhile , wouldn,t be nice to see intelligence kinda stand a chance?

  • ttommyunger

    At least no one can blow this motherfucker's brains out.

    • Fare la Volpe

      This. This wins a million mornings.

    • oldedinvn

      Probably at 1 metre it would miss. Upside is that he would not breed.

      • ttommyunger

        Prolly a closeted butt-fucker anyhoo, not that there's anything wrong with that….

    • sewollef

      Comment of the week.

      • ttommyunger

        Aw shucks! (shuffles feet in dust self-consciously)

    • Negropolis

      Oh, fuck. That was brilliant.

      • ttommyunger

        You are too kind, sir.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Scarily, I took the headline literally & assumed the former Miss South Carolina Teen had ended up at UA for grad school (sociology? journalismism?) but decided to run for Congress instead.

    • freakishlywrong

      Which, scarily, is completely understandable. You know, Republicans.

      • horsedreamer_1

        & running in AZ when from SC is fine, 'cause Hillary Clinton.

        But, speaking of carpetbagging, I think Romney could have aimed lower but still done the historic — not "first space-cult President" historic, sure — & run & won the Governorship of Utah. I mean, has anyone eve been GOV of two states? Plus, a father who was GOV of a third?

  • Y'know, I did this in my best Foster Brooks impersonation (linky for the chronologically challenged) and it almost makes sense!

    PROTIP: I highly recommend this technique for any quote extracted from a Republican. It's especially effective if you actually get drunk to achieve Brooksvana

    • Tundra Grifter

      We've posted about this before, but Foster Brooks' live at the Tennessee State Prison (Johnny Cash Show) doing his "poison mushrooms" and "My Birthday" bits are classic!

      So is Linda Ronstadt in a very short dress, but that's another story…

  • fartknocker

    Honey, you need to wear a dress using the Confederate flag pattern. It will improve your credibility.

  • SaraJBenincasa

    This guy is our new Christ.

    • ElPinche

      The power of Jesus Kelly compels me to drink.

    • prommie

      You can be his Mary Magdelene.

    • DaRooster

      Oh Jesus… great.

    • He'd allow himself to be crucified, but he has a golf date.

    • Steverino247

      The old Christ was defective. Cruxifiction (sic) violated the warranty.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      fap fap fap fap fap

    • bagofmice

      Nailed it.

    • oldedinvn

      Can have the honor of driving the spikes?

  • ph7

    Mumbo jumbo without tits just isn't the same.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      ^^ Palin vs Santorum, Q.E.D.

  • JustPixelz

    "The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government."

    Which is why the post office will deliver a letter anywhere in the country for 45 cents, while the private sector (UPS, FedEx, etc) charges $10.00.

    Which is why the health insurance for the elderly is dirt cheap in the private sector. (Technically that dirt is from your own grave, but it's cheap!)

    Which is why the oil companies need subsidies from the taxpayers.

  • Schmannnity

    Soon to join collegue Ben Quayle in the Mensa delegation from Arizona.

  • Schmannnity

    Raising Arizona was much funnier than Lowering Arizona.

  • WonkCynic

    This is the produce that is excreted out of the ass-end of No Child Left Behind. If there had been less darkies and chilli shitters taking up space and misbehaving in the back of the classroom, this precious little princess would have learned how to speak eloquently and with great clarity. But alas. We all illiterates now.


    • BaldarTFlagass

      Are you referring to Ted Kennedy's NCLB or GW Bush's NCLB?

    • Biff

      Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

    • finallyhappy

      clearly you are

  • EatsBabyDingos

    She drives a VW, because it is the only car name she can spell.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yes, and if you ask her the kind of car she drives, she goes: "ABCDEFG(mumbled) ..,(low, inaudible)…(big smile) VW!

      • widestanceromance

        But, then she gets stuck when she runs out of fingers to count the alphabet.

    • One time it wouldn't start because she forgot to put the key in.

      • She's the only person in the world who's ever locked herself IN to her car.

        (seriously, you laugh about the "key" thing, but I drive one them keyless entry/ignition cars, and when I rented a truck once, completely forgot I need a key to start other cars…)

        • Geminisunmars

          (Say – you wouldn't be from Arizona, would you?)

        • bagofmice

          What is this pin and tumbler system you speak of? A 128 bit public private cert pair seems far more reliable.

    • Beowoof

      Oh yeah like she could pass a driver's written exam. Oh wait it is South Carolina, never-mind.

      • "Ritte yer name (whut pippul calls y'all)"

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Ron Barber, the D candidate, probably will not sling mud. It will be up to volunteers to do it.

  • prommie

    This kind of thing is a symptom of a disease that broke out in late 2008-early 2009 called "asploded head syndrome." Its similar to the dementia caused by late-stage syphillis. The cause of this syndrome was the election of a "black president." This caused a widespread epidemic of cognitive dissonance, with all the rage and incoherence associated with same. The end result was what we scientists call an "asploded head," their brains just went "boom" and got all scrambled up.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    This is the gentleman who, when he ran against Giffords, had a "shoot a fully automatic M-16 with Jesse Kelly" fundraising event to "get on target" to "remove Gabrielle Giffords." He also began gunning for Giffords' seat within days of the shooting.

    I'm sure he'll blow away the opposition.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's been a privilege, Jesse.

  • MissTaken

    Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it?

    So Jeebus should start paying my cell phone bill? Sounds good to me.

    • Yes, but He's dropping your data plan. No more sexting for YOU, missy!

    • SorosBot

      Also, isn't health care kind of a prerequisite for that right of life there?

      • Oh sure! What do you think the transvaginal wanding is for????

      • MissTaken

        He's part of that "Life Ends at Birth" movement.

    • Biff

      If Jeebus, or ANYone else, paid my bill, I could get off this POS MetroPCS. Sounds good to me, too! Also.

      ETA: Metro with my Android is actually a pretty good deal, just not so good anywhere outside a metro area; it's right there in their name…

  • re: The Miss Teen USA video….it would be really cool to mash this up with the ubiquitous "Hitler in his bunker" YouTube….

  • ElPinche

    "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator"

    Apparently, the Declaration of Independence was written by Jesus (who probably looks like johnny-van-zant ) .

    Too bad for mankind that sponge cunt Jesse Kelly has the privilege to multiply.

  • Chichikovovich

    Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator.

    Life, eh? So you're opposed to capitol punishment? You do know what "inalienable" means, I hope.

    Remember, this is God securing those freedoms, not the gubiment.

    • oldedinvn

      My creator was my father when he was drunk. Just because he said oh gud dint not make gud my creator.

    • Negropolis

      Is capitol punishment when we stick the guy in the Senate chambers, one night, lock the door, and see what becomes of him in the morning?

  • Maybe she should just draw and then give the electorate of Craziest Stupidest Muthafucka land maps because they help people, like you know, find stuff.

    I would vote for her twice, only because she gave the USA the greatest name ever, US America.

    • freakishlywrong

      And "the Iraq".

  • DaRooster

    "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator."

    Um… nope… Thomas Jefferson. But to be fair… I think he did do some creating if you know what I mean… hubba hubba.

  • She seems fappable to me.

    • Radiotherapy

      Teen is a vague term. There should be a clear distinction between 17 and 18. Just sayin'.

      • There is!

        One is barely legal, the other is a misdemeanor in most states.

        Trust me, I've researched this carefully.

  • CapnFatback

    Kelly concluded his remarks by yelling, "SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!"

    • HarryButtle


  • Radiotherapy

    Is this guy another mutant offspring of Vagina Foxx or what?
    The formula:
    [Lame attempt at defending an indefensible hypocritical right wing position]…life liberty pursuit (or some other inane platitude like "freedom!')…[nonsensical gibberish]

  • Eve8Apples

    I will withhold my judgment of Jesse Kelly until I see him prance around in his bikini.

    • Pardon me, but do you have some BrainBleach™ I might borrow?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      We saw Jesse do that years ago in a bio-pic called "Silence of the Lambs".

      • Eve8Apples

        If Jesse would remain silent, he might have a better chance of being elected.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    ….running for Gabby Giffords’ Arizon seat!

    To save money, the final 'a' in Arizona has been removed.

    • Maybe Wonkette will lease it back to them, like all their capitol buildings.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Only if we actually lose money in the deal, mmmkay.

        • Conservatives are awesome at money. I was reminded of this last night, watching Frontline:

          Speaking of Arizona, if John McCain can stop saying "Build The Dang Fence!" for a coupla days, maybe he can "suspend" his campaign for whatever and fly to Washington and save the world from bad economics again, like in 2008.

    • Guppy

      There's was nobody around to maintain that last letter after they got rid of all the Mezzicans.

  • Slim_Pickins

    That's a belief system?!!!!

  • widestanceromance

    Sometimes, the tree of liberty must be fertilized with the soup of language.

    • freakishlywrong

      Don't forgit yer greens! A word salad won't hurt either.

      • widestanceromance

        Salad is raw soup and requires chewing. The masses need it boiled to a soggy pablum, so force-feeding is easier.

  • chascates

    And Jesus said to the multitudes: go thou when ill to the emergency rooms. There will they take care of thee. Healthcare is available to all. Some, more than others.

  • BZ1

    just a word salad

  • SorosBot

    That Miss Teen South Carolina also proved herself to be an idiot again later when she went on The Amazing Race; here's a few bits where she showed her complete stupidity, like thinking "take the funicular" meant "walk", and thinking Joan of Arc was a man.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Uh oh, what's 'funicular'?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Most US Americans don't have funiculars, such as.

        • SorosBot

          Though most of us can probably figure it's not the stairs.

          • Generation[redacted]

            Hmmm… "funiculars" sounds like "binoculars" but with "fun" instead of "bin" so something fun that looks like binoculars…


      • finallyhappy

        funiculee, funicula, – didn't you sing that in school?

    • MissTaken

      But, funicular has 'fun' in it and everyone knows a walk is fun! She's smart!

      And that nasty Joan of Arc heard voices and was probably a lezbo. See? She's smart!

      • Generation[redacted]

        Arc is a boys name. Every Palin fan knows that.

    • Biff

      Way to go–I made it nearly to the end of the 1st 'tube you posted, so now I've officially watched more of that show than ever before.

  • "Vote for me because Gabby Giffords got too much health care!"

    • Generation[redacted]

      Everyone with a gushing head wound has the right to pursue healthcare, but not necessarily to obtain it.

  • DaRooster

    Puppy breath.
    Sugar lumps.
    Sea weed.

  • bomble

    I like, but I think it sounds a lot more like this:

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Wouldn't health care, which has been proven to hold off death, which is the opposite of life, fall under that whole life, liberty, pursuit of happiness thing?

    The dimwit is strong in this one.

    • freakishlywrong

      And not even remotely comparable to a fucking cell phone?

  • rickmaci

    Mr. Kelly…."what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

    • Man0nTheStreet

      ^^ Mr. Kelly's intro as he gives his Nomination-Acceptance speech…

  • MissTaken

    *This* is why eating Mad Cow is a bad idea.

    • Biff

      Just ask Denny Crane!

  • GeneralLerong

    No wonder $arah "Bullseye" Palin wants to move to Arizona – they talk good there and understand her perfectly.

    • prommie

      The I.Q.s are the right height.

  • randcoolcatdaddy


    My belief system is this. Me. Me, me, me. That’s what I believe.

  • mavenmaven

    He's on the "right" side of the rifle, so he will win, unfortunately.

  • Warpde

    Shouldn't she be at home cook'n and a clean'n and a pumpi'n out the bubies?

  • oldedinvn

    Thank the gawds that I have hats & tee shirts what says I am sumthin other than Umerikan. How embarrassing to be labeled the name that is associated with stupid.

    • finallyhappy

      I have t-shirts like that too- but I don't think anyone thinks I am really from Thailand or Peru

  • sewollef

    Tell me he's fucking nuts. Please don't tell me he's going to win Gifford's seat? Please.

  • vtxmcrider

    Jesse Kelly is an Iraq war vet. Getting hit in the head with an IED is real bad shit.

  • spareme

    Arghhhh – pulled out half my hair reading Jesse boys comments, was pulling the rest of it out during Miss South Carolina Teen Stupid's comments – thankfully the emcee cut her off. Wonder if she was home schooled….

  • The blonde definitely has the brains over Jesse Kelly. That, however, does not comfort me. Isn't there some law, or some vermiform appendage to the Constitution, that requires someone to have a higher IQ than a tadpole to run for Federal Office?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Don't get Jesse started on "opposite marriage!"

  • hagajim

    Where the hell does the GOP keep finding their idiots? The gene pool on that side of the aisle must be a very deep/dense one full of fucking morans.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    As always…you can't spell crazy without AZ.

  • freddymcmurray

    I assume by "inalienable" she means "no aliens".

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Jesse Kelly: "he," "she," or "it"? Inquiring minds want to kno…No, screw it. Who cares? Whatever it is, it needs to crawl back under some Arizona cactus and just shrivel up. Quietly.

  • Eve8Apples

    Jesse Kelly is proof that overexposure to the desert sun will not only harm your skin, it will rot your brain.

  • kissawookiee

    This is the genius who ran an ad the day before the 2010 election saying, essentially, "Gabrielle Giffords raised a lot of questions about me recently, and I can't answer all of them right now, but I'll protect America because I love America. Vote for me, for America. America!" To his credit, he did at least seem capable of stringing together basic sentences back then. His only selling point now appears to be "clean."

  • sumus

    What Fox isn't hiring?

  • rickmaci

    Thinking about this a bit more, using the pic of Miss S.C. Teen as a graphic for the stupidity of Jesse Kelly is very unfair to her. She was only a high school kid who got on stage and had a brain freeze. He is a 30 something man running for the United States Congress who sounds like a 17 year old girl with brain freeze.

  • PandoraLaura

    In my next life, God, please bless me with beauty instead of brains. I want to be Miss S.C. Please, please make me that fuckin stupid so I dont have to spend my evenings reading Wonkette comments as reassurance that I am not fuckin crazy!

  • Negropolis

    It says something that Gabby was shot point-blank in the head and has trouble with language, and yet would still be more coherent than this punk.

    Sad thing is that it's very likely this idiot wins her seat. He tried before; it "only" took the near-death of his previous opponent to slide his stupid ass in there.

    Gawd. This is so depressing.

  • helgahawke

    What outsiders need to understand is that Kelly's vernacular –I like to label it "dreck and drivel"– almost ensures election here in Arizona, especially if the candidate proudly packs a pistol..

  • She will fit in perfectly with all the other GOPbagger assholes.

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