hey bitches

Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog

Well done, gentles!

New York, come on down! Pennsylvania! Connecticut! Rhode Island! DELAWARE! Politico says Scientology founder L. Newton Hubbard has a chance to win in Delaware, but mostly the article is like haha madeyalook! Newt is done. Roasted. On a spit with an apple. Make sure to turn him evenly, to give the skin that lovely crackle. YES WE ARE SAYING NEWT GINGRICH SHOULD BE EATEN. Welcome to liveblog, fellows!

8:05 PM — RIVETING television looking at Alan Colmes’s face, but a bizarro moment from Bill O’Reilly who actually decries the media not illuminating the fact that Obama is not a Muslin? We haz a confused. We will listen to this for a moment.

8:07 PM — Birthers and truthers are from the Internet, and it is the Internet’s fault that we are all so lunatical. We could not agree any more fervently, brunette lady on O’Reilly.

8:09 PM — Bill O’Reilly does not even agree with Linda Chavez that the libs have a bigger “megaphone” than the cons. Does he not know about the LIBERAL MEDIA? You would think he would know about them.

8:12 PM — Wouldn’t it be so great if Rick Santorum still won in Pennsylvania (we have not checked to see if he is still on the ballot, and you cannot make us) and GOT BACK IN THE RACE! Oh, we miss that sneery, spitty, smegma-slicked puss of his. Newt is grouchy in a BORING way, he just wants to go back to Greece.

8:14 PM — You guys, seriously, we are worried about Bill O’Reilly. He just spent a full 12 hours DEBUNKING an Internet meme about Abraham Lincoln slapping Bammerz from the grave. Oooooh, we get it, he is mad at the Internet because of falafels. FUCK IT, WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

8:17 PM — YOU GUYS TURN ON O’REILLY NOW HE IS MAD AT GHOST ANDREW BREITBART. Kirsten and I are seriously having strokes right now.

8:19 PM — Bill O’Reilly gives a math lesson to Matthew Continetti from the Washington Free Beacon (a slummy, scummy little creepy crawly sub-Daily Caller pile of Internet refuse) about the percentage of Washington Free Beacon writers who are full of shit. (ALL OF THEM, KATIE.)

8:23 — VIKING WARBLOGGER KBJ HERE. Mitt Romney has won the upscale New York suburb of Connecticut with one million percent of the vote.

8:31 — Mitt Romney has also won dirty needle depository Rhode Island. Hooray for him!

8:36 — Ooops, we have stolen the remote from the Editrix. Back to CNN! There is John McCain, looking like he needs a blood transfusion. Can you guess what he is saying? Hint: WAR WAR WAR WAR.

8:41 — Okay, more politics. That is why we are here, we think. CNN is calling Delaware for Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich will now wander off and molest a penguin:

8:45 — O hai, Schoenkopf again. NEWT SPEAKS! What will he say? He is wearing a blue tie like a fucking Democrat Traitor.

8:46 — President Obama’s performance at Chapel Hill, slow-jamming the newz with J. Fallon, is the reason this is the most important election IN HISTORY. Also, gas prizzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8:48 — China will enslave your children, for student loans, before they eat them with duck sauce. AND ANDERSON COOPER OUT!

8:50 — Poor L. Newt. Cooper ditched him about the time we tried for the the third time to parse a sentence about China, and Fox didn’t cover him speaking at all. But they ELECTION ALERT for that nice Ann Romney, whose hair looks just the right Diane Sawyer shade of golden bitch.

8:53 — KBJ BACK: Mitt Romney will now take the stage. Mitt will have you know that he has figured out what is going on in America, right now: “Americans are tired of being tired.” Think about that. It is your Mormon Koan for the evening.

8:56 — Mitt Romney’s brain has been infected, causing his speech to have a mild twang he did not have before, just like those psychotic cows in California. How nice for him.

8:58 — We have figured out the seating arrangement for the supporters arranged behind Mitt Romney on stage. The youths and the browns are on his left side, and the white olds in turtlenecks on the right. He is in the middle, get it? Also, Mitt will not let anyone steal his bags of money, fuck all of you.

9:04 — SNOOOOOOZE. We are listening for some of those “soundbite” things, but Mitt Romney has nothing but desperate pablum to share. Let us sum up: Mitt Romney is so sad that you are so poor. Sad sad sad. It wears out his battery slightly more than usual.

9:06 — Mitt Romney promises that Americans will be able to mock foreigners for their inferior standards of living again very soon. He knows how much you need to feel superior. He understands that perhaps better than anything else.

9:10 — Schoenkopf: Well, that might have been the GREATEST LIVE BLOG EVER! We watched Bill O’Reilly (and on the real we hope he is not, like, waiting on a test from his doctor, because we was being sort of compassionate and gentle and calling out GOP hacktards, and now we are askeered). Then we watched something else. And then there was Newt Gingrich, whom the teevee channels looked at for all of 95 seconds before they decided HE WAS THE WEAKEST LINK GOODBYE. (Except for Fox, which did not play his speech at all.) And then Mitt Romney came on to sexplain that Barack Obama stole your bicycle. Join us again NEVER. #itwasamistake GOODNIGHT!

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Barb

    Hey, Ann Romney, what's the difference between a pitt bull and a stay-at-home mom?
    Coco Chanel's Rouge Allure Velvet Luminous Matte Lip Color

        1. Barrelhse

          Rich girl uses Vaseline
          Poor girl uses lard
          Lulu uses axle-grease
          And gets it twice as hard.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Pit bulls aren't coddled lazy martyrs with au-pairs of Cadillacs, or the Cadillac's of au-pairs.

    2. redarmyzombie

      Well, the pitt bull can be likeable, while Ann Romney is a smarmy cunt who's never had to work a single day of her life.

      There, I said it!

      1. Fare la Volpe

        She's never raised her kids a day in her life either. Hiring a nanny to take them off your hands while you go yachting does not count as being a stay-at-home mom.

        1. MilwaukeeKent

          She insists she didn't "have help" until the fifth kid. I think we're being unfair on the rich here, I mean, "keeping up appearances" is hard work, not as hard as choosing the right womb to slide out of, but almost.

        2. tessiee

          The Former Mr. Tessie's boss' wife had four kids — school-age, so they were somebody else's problem during the day, but four. She also had a housekeeper, AND a nanny (for the three hours between the end of the school day and when the housekeeper served dinner), AND a "social secretary", who I guess had sole responsibility for answering the phone when it rang. This left Wifey-Poo's entire day free to spend at the gym, clothing boutique, and plastic surgeon.

      1. WunkRocker

        The 120 minute is for the troo Bitters/elitists. In celebration, I'm going down to the home depot parking lot, getting a bunch of messicans in my minivan to mow my lawn only to lay them off later in the day when it'll be too late to find work. No frijoles con arroz for little Kayla-ita, Pedro.

  2. Radiotherapy

    Where's my Wolf.? They've got some crazy story about Mad Cow, get it? crazy arghh, prions.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          No joke. I'm not allowed to watch primaries on the TV any more because I drink and yell too much :/

  3. Barb

    Mitt missed one of life's greatest thrills…making the last car payment. Makes me almost feel sorry for the dickweed.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Not if you bought one of his dad's POS Gremlins or Hornets. You'd be under water…with a fucking car loan!!1!

    2. tessiee

      I made my last payment on the Tessiemobile last year, and do you know, I was actually *surprised* to get the title in the mail? I'd forgotten that I was ever going to actually own the car; and figured it was just something I'd have to pay every month until I died, like insurance or a mortgage payment.

    3. elgin_pelican

      "I don't care what blue book value is! There's DOG EXCREMENT all over the roof! $500 tops, and we keep the rebate."

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    Gingrich is hoping to become the Christine O’Donnell

    Besides being an arrogant creep, now he wants to be a witch too…

  5. Barb

    "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love."
    Actual Mitt Romney quote January 2012

    Yeah, this guy is going to need a teleprompter.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            Fired Americans are tired and still fired. When Mitt becomes Mormon Emperor they will continue to be tired and fired.


      OMg, I pasted that line in google and yes, he said it. I knew Obama was too good for this country, oh well…

    2. Chet Kincaid

      No, we talked about this! Some scribe sloppily wrote his parody of everything he heard Mitt say on the campaign trail, and everybody assumed Mitt would actually say something that stupid.

    3. LionHeartSoyDog

      That Rmoney quote is borderline G.W.Bush stupid.

      Life is too short, and the need for change so desperate, for the enduring idiocy of Murkan "politics."

    1. Radiotherapy

      I would so like to see Dr. Fart Breath beat Mitt too. Paultardmania would be awesome.

    2. SmutBoffin

      Haha! Does anyone else remember the Internet from this time last election? Paultards everywhere! Making lengthy, earnest posts about their "deeply held libertarian beliefs". Not just on the political Internets, either! EVERY-GODDAM-WHERE. What happened to them?

      Did they all go Galt and no one noticed?

      1. Negropolis

        I'm actually pissed at how Ron just totally gave up. Technically, he's still in the race, but he's gone far quieter than I'd have liked to have seen him this late in the game.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Then he would have to spend some of those campaign donations he is socking away so that they become reimbursed 'campaign expenses' in December when he starts his 2016 Presidential run with that kick off speech in Disney World and that fact finding tour of Bangkok.

  6. Radiotherapy

    Technical question: How does one braid hair, have strokes and liveblog at the same time.
    Is that what the kids are calling it now?

  7. Barb

    Congratulations to Mitt Romney who now has a clear path to the Republican nomination for President. Please shake your Etch-a-Sketch and clear out all those radical conservative positions that were clearly not part of your true beliefs, so that we can now have a true center-right debate on the future of America.

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      If a man shakes his Etch-a-Sketch too much he will get magetic-metal hair all over his palm…

  8. RavenRant

    Matthew Continetti is Bill 'Wrong About Everything' Kristol's son-in-law. And manages to be more repulsive and less masculine than Ross Douthat.

      1. Boojum

        When you glance around the comments, do you get the distinct impression that there are scores of us who would drop panting at your feet and be enslaved forever? Because, you would be completely, terribly wrong.

        Dozens, maybe, but not scores.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      These times call for a new kind of Viking. Thus, bearded survivalist Ken Layne had to go away, replaced by a willowy, gold-coiffed Nordic minx.

  9. Barb

    Is it too soon to break out the Mormon jokes?

    If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi…
    You might be a Mormon.

    Join me below.

      1. Barb

        If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're
        You might be a Mormon.

        1. Negropolis

          If you believe golden plates something to be worshiped rather than something a rich man eats off of…

          You might be a Mormon.

        2. tessiee

          "If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're
          disciplining… "

          Shoot, that was my Italian Catholic family. My sister and I and all ten cousins who lived in the same town constantly got called by each other's names — and depending on whose house we were over, possibly my mother's or aunt's name, too.

          "Stop that, Tess-Bess-Jess-Jerzette-wh [sputter]! You're not my kid, but I'll hit you anyway!"

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      If your Mesa, Arizona neighbours refer to you as a Rocky Mountain Jew, you might be are a Mormon.

      (No shit…that was the term I heard there many, many times)

      1. Veritas78

        They are also referred to as "Scoopers." Because God scooped out their brains when they were babies and then let them grow into Mormons. (True Arizona epithet.)

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      If you think Mountain Meadows sounds like a neat-o place for a picnic…

      You might be a Mormon.

      1. Barb

        If you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh…
        You might be a Mormon.

    3. redarmyzombie

      If you have a minimum of 11 baby showers to go to each year…
      You might be a Mormon.

    4. Fare la Volpe

      If you believe black people are a cursed race of quasi-demons, but you think white sheets are just too gauche, you might be a Mormon.

    5. glamourdammerung

      If you dress like a Native American before murdering crowds of people, you might be a Mormon?

      If you believe Pedobear gets his own planet, you might be a Mormon?

    6. Boojum

      If you believe Jesus will return and have nothing fucking better to do than go to the Midwest,
      You might be a Mormon.

      1. Veritas78

        If you are gullible enough to believe your religion's founder unearthed some golden plates in upstate New York and then mislaid them, you'll believe anything.

    7. Barrelhse

      If you strap the dog onto the roof-rack and he craps the back window, you probably ARE a Mormon.

    8. Pat_Pending

      If you've never been to Bonnaroo, NoisePop, Warped, SXSW, or Coachella but you've been to Branson, MO for the music…

      You might be a Mormon

      1. tessiee

        "If you've never been to Bonnaroo"

        I'm borrowing here, but "Bonnaroo" sounds like what Scooby Doo yells when he climaxes.

  10. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Ronaldum Paulus, ye olde Geldmeister, beating Newtie everywhere but Delaware.

    How can anyone be more unpopular than that crazy old man? Oh right – Ron is just fucking crazy and not an insufferable, vicious, bloviating shitsack.

  11. Fukui-sanYesOta

    And Delaware gets called for Willard. Better start letting Callista kite those checks now Newton, because people know your broke jowly face.

  12. Blueb4sunrise

    President Arpaio of The Republic of Arizona has declared all USian elections invalid because of Federalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Barb

      It took less time for the Obama Administration to find Osama bin Laden than it has taken Conservatives to find where Obama was born. When will the Trump or Arpaio Report finally be released?

  13. Radiotherapy

    Newt Gingrich will now wander off and molest a penguin

    Callista in a tux? After all, she does have an avian body habitus.

    1. tessiee

      The most important election in our lifetime was the 2000 one, when we all found out the hard way that if it's a close election, the Supreme Court can award it to the guy they like. True, it was important for a *really bad* reason, but still.

  14. chascates

    Good thing Gingrich is a 2nd Amendment defender. No more votes than he's getting he'd better start carrying a gun.

    1. not that Dewey

      Do Mormons count as gentiles? All gentiles are goyim, but not all goyim are gentiles.

      1. imissopus

        In Mormonland, any non-Mormon is a gentile. Which is so confusing to us Jews for whom the words gentile and goyim have often been interchangeable. Fuck it, let's rip some more bong hits and forget the whole thing.

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Bill O’Reilly gives a math lesson to Matthew Continetti from the Washington Free Beacon (a slummy, scummy little creepy crawly sub-Daily Caller pile of Internet refuse) about the percentage of Washington Free Beacon writers who are full of shit.

    Matthew Continetti approaches Cantor-like levels of face punchability.

    1. Gainsbourg69

      Watch the Bill Maher episode from two weeks ago and you'll see him get his ass handed to him by David Stockman over the Ryan budget.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I saw it, which is the only reason I knew who he was. Maher seemed to be holding back on him a bit, considering how easily-debunkable most of the crap coming out of his mouth was.

  16. Fukui-sanYesOta

    What is this insane bullshit from Willard? The problem with healthcare is the service is shittier for double the GDP cost that most western countries.

    The Government would control 50% of the economy? Oh FUCK YOU, you fucking shitbag corporate raider.

  17. Fukui-sanYesOta

    "Some children will be successful! And everyone else should kiss their fucking asses! It doesn't matter if they inherited shitloads of money!" (ok, I made the last sentence up, but it was implied)

    1. Radiotherapy

      Making sure the winner-take-all economy keeps rolling along. Maintain the Bush/Obama tax cuts and get rid of the estate tax.

  18. Fukui-sanYesOta

    What the flying dogfuck is this now? Government workers get paid too much?

    The whole thing is that they get paid less for the same work, but get decent benefits.

    1. flamingpdog

      Please, pleeeeease, no subtle distinctions among many complex economic factors allowed when inane talking points get more applause from the 'tards.

    2. Radiotherapy

      Mitts is just pissed because he can't send the gov't jobs overseas and profit from it.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    I've been watching some recent SNLs this week…Jason Sudeikis's Mitt Romney impression is terrible and Fred Armisen's Obama is getting gradually worse. Castmember Jay Pharoah's Obama impression he did in his stand-up was not just more accurate, but funnier. I have no idea who should take over as Romney this fall if Sudeikis leaves, though.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Fye on them!

      I'm waiting to see Key & Peele's take on it. Jordan Peele's Obama could not be more dead on, so I can only guess what cardboard cut-out they'll use for Mittens.

    2. Negropolis

      I really like Sudeikis' impression, because he doesn't look like Mitt, nor is he trying to sound like him, and I think that is kind of the point. Mitt is so "not there" that he could literally be any out-of-touch douchebag millionaire.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I don't think they're trying to go Chevy Chase/Gerald Ford with it…I just think Sudeikis hasn't mastered it yet.

  20. imissopus

    OT but is anyone else just super-excited that this site is only 41 likes away from 10,000 on Facebook? I hear Rebecca is going to throw a huge party at her house, with hookers and tranny hookers and bathtub gin and some of that Negro jazz music, when we hit the fabled five figures. But she wants it to be a surprise, so SSHHHHHH NO ONE SAY ANYTHING!

    1. KBoydJohnson

      Anonymous sources report that there will be a Los Angeles-area Wonkette meetup very, very soon. Stay tuned for details.

      1. Veritas78

        Well, the anniversary of the Rodney King riots is right about now—will it be anything like that? Can I bring anything?

      2. Designer_Rants

        By "Stay tuned", do you mean "hit refresh on Wonkette.com every second forever"? I def want to see what kinda ballin' mansions teh Blog Moniez buy. And I heard there will be hair braiding.

      3. Callyson

        I'm in if it's not a night I have class (my damned program keeps scheduling Tuesday night classes that I have to take.)

        I hope and assume alcohol will be involved?

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      How about a DC party? I might be able to show up. I'd be the one wearing the mask who brings along a trunk full of booze.

  21. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Oh! Oh! There we go – "taught in schools" regarding the free market system. He's talking indoctrination.

  22. Fukui-sanYesOta

    "We've always been a nation of big steppers" … and often wide stancers, amirite?

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      You're safe; it's over. Now it's just Wolf Blitzer spouting idiot platitudes as usual. That fuckblintz Piers Morgan attempting to sound like a journalist. Cunt.

  23. Fukui-sanYesOta

    "Never again apologize for America abroad"

    Yeah, fuck the bay of pigs, installing the Shah, stupid wars in Iraq, bombing civilians, madd soldiers going on shooting rampages. Why should we apologize for any of that shit? Fuck them. USA NUMBER FUCKING ONE! WALK TALL!

    1. flamingpdog

      Jayzuz, Fukui, think of your brain!!! I hope you're really, really drunk right now – I'd hate to think you might actually remember any of this by the time you fall asleep.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        hey, what happened with that comment? I wonder what I wrote for auto-deleted.

        I'm only on my second drink :/

        The nonstop lies and distortions make me really angry. Secretly I kinda like it.

    2. Radiotherapy

      Fire bombing Tokyo, 100,000 dead in ONE fucking night. Mai Lai. Sleeping with Stalin in WW1.5. Decimating Native Americans. The Conquest of California and the Southwest. Attacking a sovereign country on completely false pretenses. Slavery. EeeTeeCee, blah, blah, blah.
      Yes, there is no apology necessary.

    3. Sparky McGruff

      Yeah, man. Next time our soldiers "accidentally" shoot up villages or rape a few children, I want a president who says "FUCK YEAH! SUCK ON IT!"

      Because apologizing when you're wrong is the worst thing you can possibly do.

      1. Designer_Rants

        As if Obama has been on some 4 year Apology Tour anyway. He's just been doing an excellent job on foreign policy, acting like a smart, respectful and respectable human being, leading. Then he gets attacked by moron conservatives for it. Morons. Morons. They should apologize and then kill themselves.

    4. WonkCynic

      Don't leave out Libya! That one belongs to the nigga prez. He did that one. Those womens and kiddies that got ordinance dropped on 'em in have to blame it on yer nigga.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Hmm. If you'd paid attention, you'd notice that I'd included both drone strikes killing innocent civilians and the recent slaughter of innocents by a single soldier – which of course happened under the current president.

        Bay of Pigs was under JFK.

        Notice that I've not insulted either you or the previous president until this point.

        For all his faults, and he has them, our current erudite, lucid, thoughtful President is far superior to the quarter-witted shaved Pongid who held the office beforehand.

  24. BarackMyWorld

    MSNBC is showing Mitt's speech…

    There's lots of weird yelling…Is Xena: Warrior Princess in the crowd?

  25. flamingpdog

    I missed Bammer's talk at the U of Colorado tonight. Are the students rioting? I hope they all at least lit up.

    EDIT: Sweet editrix, would the new administration consider getting on a server that can handle the live-blog traffic so I don't have to watch the arrows circle for 15 minutes while I wait for the comment to show up?

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I'm not sure it's the server; might be your internet connection? Works pretty much instantly for me.

      1. flamingpdog

        Could be – the connection has been fast since then. I think Comcast uses waxed dental floss for its cable connections out in these parts.

    2. Negropolis

      Nope, the problem isn't just him. If I'm hear for more than 10 minutes the pages just absolutely crawl. I don't have the fastest connection, but it's still a cable connection, so this should not be crawling like this.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Computer RAM issues? It's quite javascript-heavy.

        If you shut the browser right down and start it up again, does that fix the speed issue? If so, that might indicate that's you're running out of memory.

  26. Jukesgrrl

    So … what?? Connecticut and Rhode Island can't give us any fun? It's not bad enough Little Ricky had to santorum all over the fun I was planning on having in Pennsylvania.

    Republicans simply cannot build suspense. Add that to no sense of irony, no ability to snark (in fact no senses of humor of any kind), no feeling of community, no love for ones fellow wo/man (except for buttsecks), and no ability to differentiate the real Constitution from a fake one.

    1. Boojum

      Their idea of high humor is to deride another person for [insert extremely graphic, obviously first person description of a homosexual encounter], while projecting their own flaws.

    2. Callyson

      I was so sad when the Frothy Mix aborted his campaign before the Pennsylvania primary. Would have loved to see my home state give him the shellacking he deserves…

        1. Callyson

          No, actually, I'm in Los Angeles now, but I still remember where I came from. Go Stillers!

    1. Radiotherapy

      My dad bought a AMC Hornet in '73. It was blowing smoke in the first week. Luckily, he got his money back. He then bought a Gran Torino. Fuck all the Rmoney's.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    I like how Mitt warned us he was going to bore us at the beginning of the speech. That was refreshingly honesty on his part.

  28. Mumbly_Joe

    Omg Mittens just repeated that "half of the economy" meme. He is literally taking his talking points from Crazyeyes Bachman. I think we just hit Peak Wingnut, folks.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Does that mean that we'll soon have a rapid decline in the resource, with diminishing gains at hugely increasing costs? Don't get my hopes up. I thing Wingnut is an infinitely fungible resource.

      1. Mumbly_Joe

        Yeah, now that you mention it. I'm pretty sure Wingnut is like Love, or Dignity, in that the more of it you use, the more of it you have.

        And in no other way whatsoever.

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I got really, really fucking annoyed when he blamed Obamacare for spiralling healthcare costs as a percentage of GDP. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM IT'S TRYING TO SOLVE, YOU DISINGENUOUS FUCKING FILTHYWEASEL(*).

      * Where is owls, anyway?

      1. BarackMyWorld

        It's not like "Obamacare" hasn't actually kicked in yet or healthcare costs were already trending this way for years and years and years before Obama was even elected.

    3. Gainsbourg69

      He lifted the whole "my daddy sold sherwin-williams out of his van" bullshit from Marco Rubio. Motherfucker is getting Palanized by Rove.

    4. gurukalehuru

      If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I think we hit peak wingnut, folks" I'd probably have 20 or 30 nickels by now.
      These people don't see jumping the shark as a negative thing. They just start looking for a new shark to jump.

      1. ElPinche

        I couldn't even liveblog. I fell into a basic cable coma while bouncing between MSNBC , CNN, and FoxNews. I ended up on "Finding BigFoot" four hours later. WTF.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    "We will stop the unfairness of…"

    No mention of income disparity, access to healthcare, or race/gender discrimination.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Mentioning income disparity is what's unfair. It creates jealousy and discontent.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        He's already said we should be fucking worshipping the people who are the top strata of wage-earners, rather than being such petty, jealous little whingers.

        Fuck statistics like income disparity or social mobility.


        1. BarackMyWorld

          He's already said…

          Yeah, but this is Romney we're talking about. Nothing he ever said before right now still counts.

          1. Fukui-sanYesOta

            Even in the same damn speech it doesn't count. Well, not to these goddamn windowlickers in the audience.

    2. redarmyzombie

      Obviously, the real racist is you, for bringing up race in the first pla-oh, fuck it, there's not enough booze for that…

  30. Mumbly_Joe

    Protip: government workers are taxpayers. And government jobs sometimes offer benefits in order to be competitive. Why does Mittens hate the free market?

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I doubt he knows how little government employees actually make.
      His entry level government job was governor of a state, after all.

  31. Angry_Marmot

    "So how about that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Communist? Mr. College Professor! Mr. Beatnik! Mr. Hippie!"

  32. iburl

    Mittens says he will stop the unfairness of unions making people support politicians they don't want to support. (By making all unions illegal, obvs.)

  33. Limeylizzie

    I can't listen to him , mainly for that insanely annoying lip-smacking thing he does, but also for the cuntload of lies.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You always pick up on these horribly obnoxious tics that I never noticed before but now I can't UNnotice.

      1. Limeylizzie

        It's really bad if it's a one on one interview, you can hear the saliva and teeth combo .

        1. Fare la Volpe

          You also noticed that Ricky Buttcream's eyes were too close together, and now every time he comes on TV I can't help but think of him using one goggle when he goes swimming.

    2. flamingpdog

      Cuntload of lies? I doubt that even ol' lady Duggar has a cunt stretch out enough to hold all of Mitt's lies.

    3. ThundercatHo

      I hadn't noticed before but it's still not as bad as the disgusting lip-licking thing that John Edwards did in his speeches.

  34. Jukesgrrl

    Why are we not standing tall? Has the blah president made us feel shorter? I was under the distinct impression that in the eyes of the world, he was lifting us up a notch. Maybe certain people's guns and Bibles are weighing them down.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      We are not standing tall because Obama is always bowing and apologizing to foreigns. We need to be kicking their asses. Especially our allies, who need to know who's boss.

      1. tessiee

        I mean, fuckin-A-right!!
        Shit like that is what makes Real Amurkans [tm] stand tall.

  35. BarackMyWorld

    If that was Mitt's introductory general election speech, where he lays out what he's going to run on…wow, he's fucked. Because that speech was TERRIBLE. Obama by 20 points.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      It drives the thinking person nuts in its empty pablum, but the problem comes along when you realise than a good proportion of the population lap that bullshit up as if it's a fine cognac.

      1. trampndirtdown

        A good proportion of the population is currently watching reruns of Two and a half Men and couldn't pick mittens out of a lineup. But they know Nobama is bad cuz they heard it at work.

  36. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Holy goddamn shit. Santorum is on Piers Morgan. It's a maelstrom of cunts.

    edit: actually, even I can't watch this.

  37. Doktor StrangeZoom

    OK, entertaining though this is, I need to go and score some more exciting standardized-test essays by Texan 10th-graders. I'm up to over 30 teen mom stories and at least 50 or 60 KONY2012 essays, plus the usual run of best-friend-died-in-a-crash-and-now-I-appreciate-every-day-in-a-new-way homilies.

    Farewell, filthy fuckaducks. I'll see you on the other side of the dangling modifiers.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I would need at least $20 worth of food and beverage treats to give me the incentive to read 40 of those things. So zero-sum game. And maybe why I'm a poorz.

    1. Guppy

      essays by Texan 10th-graders… over 30 teen mom stories

      Hey, write what you know.

      Our children is learning!

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Heh–in the fifth essay of the bunch (after a smart phone's signal helped cops solve a crime): "I have a new respect for these phones. They can save your life and then you can play Angry Birds."

    3. ThundercatHo

      My son told me that for his essay he actually sprinkled drops of water over the paper in order to convince the grader of his deep grief over the untimely death of his wonderful mother (me).

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Haha! The essays are scanned and the blurry results are read by half-blitzed wage slaves on a computer! Wasted effort, young one, but I like the cut of your jib.

  38. chascates

    If you haven't read former Wonkette editor Alex Pareene's article on Mittens on Salon give it a look: http://www.salon.com/2012/04/23/rich_weird_romney

    Martin Luther King Day, Jacksonville, Fla., 2008: Mitt poses for a picture with some cheerful young parade attendees. As he squeezes in to the otherwise all-black group, he says, apropros of nothing, “Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof!”
    “Not only was Eisenhower one of my favorite presidents; when we became grandparents, you get to choose what the kids will call you. Some call you Papa. I chose Ike. I’m Ike, and Ann is Mamie.”
    After a voter at the New Hampshire diner told Romney, “My daughter goes to Michigan State,” he replied, “Oh, does she, really? My brother’s on the board of Michigan State.” When another patron said that she was from Illinois, Romney told her, “I won the straw poll at the Illinois Republican convention!”
    “I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it again.”

    1. horsedreamer_1

      1981 Mitt Romney is lucky he's rich & that Pepper Spray Cop was still a sperm in daddy's nut.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Mitt would have been the perfect GOP candidate in 1972. Which means he's the perfect GOP candidate for 2012.

    2. Limeylizzie

      I just finished the e-book "Rude Guide to Mitt Romney" by Pareene and it is excellent, only about $3 on Amazon , he captures Mittens perfectly.

  39. rocktonsam

    I can't watch this shit. I am watching the Wall St. thingy on FRONTLINE.

    OT, my credit union of 13 years has merged with another credit union. I haven't been able to access my account online or talk to a person SINCE. They sent me a list of charges that never existed before the merge, charges ranging from charging a dollar ever time you use your ATM card after using the card 4 times in a month to charging 3 dollars a month for having free checking. OH I'M SO ANGRY!

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "charging a dollar ever time you use your ATM card after using the card 4 times in a month"

      that is goddamn obscene

    2. chascates

      Did you see the one on 1929 before the current show started? History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce?

    3. Jukesgrrl

      "…charging 3 dollars a month for having free checking."

      When did bankers forget the meaning of the word "free"? (And I thought the "free gift with purchase" at the cosmetic counter was crazy.)

      1. rocktonsam

        I received a letter last week telling me that my account number matched the same account number with a member from the credit union we were merging with! I was given a new number and haven't been to access ever since.

        I hate America,
        -Bart Simpson

    1. flamingpdog

      Yeah, but his daughter said earlier today that he would be "reconsidering" his campaign if he didn't win any of the primaries tonight.

    1. Barb

      Hi Kent, I had major surgery in February. I am assuming that Barrel was inquiring about my health. My husband, cutie pie that he is decided to answer and we chuckled. No static at all.

        1. Barb

          Kent, I cleaned out the winter clothes out of the closets and hung the summer clothes up. I was thrilled to find the Steely Dan t-shirts.

      1. Barrelhse

        Actually, it was a Firesign Theatre gag about being Americans, a la Mitt (which Angry Marmot seems to have heard).
        I wouldn't discuss your medical history like that, Barb.

  40. ifthethunderdontgetya

    9:10 — Schoenkopf: Well, that might have been the GREATEST LIVE BLOG EVER! We watched Bill O’Reilly (and on the real we hope he is not, like, waiting on a test from his doctor, because we was being sort of compassionate and gentle…

    Not I, said the little red hen. The sooner Brillo Falafel Breitbarts out, the better off this planet will be.

    And that's my kinder and gentler loofa massage for teh evening.

  41. rickmaci

    Love the picture of Mittenz you posted with this string. Looks like he was ready to shoot his commercial for a campaign spot for No Equis Not Beer, as "The World's Most Uninteresting Man."

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        "Beige treats him with disdain. He once met a tilapia who didn't even realise he was there. Growing grass jokes about watching Romney. He's the least interesting man in the world"

        "I don't always drink No Equis (except dressage), but when I do, my friend owns the brewery"

  42. Fukui-sanYesOta

    OT: rage-making facts that were just on the TV machine here

    Wells Fargo made $49Bn profit last year

    They laid off 6400 people

    The top five wage earners added 180% to their salaries


    1. chascates

      General Electric, one of the largest corporations in America, filed a whopping 57,000-page federal tax return earlier this year but didn’t pay taxes on $14 billion in profits. The return, which was filed electronically, would have been 19 feet high if printed out and stacked.

  43. chascates

    Rick Santorum flirted with endorsing presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney on Tuesday, stopping just short of an official declaration of support, but praising him for a “good speech” following the former Massachusetts governor’s wins in several primary states.
    CNN host Piers Morgan insisted that Santorum had endorsed Romney off-air, but they refused to confirm on-air.
    Morgan tweeted that an endorsement was made during a commercial break.
    “So @RickSantorum just endorsed Mitt Romney. He admitted he had in the commercial break just now…” wrote Morgan, before telling Santorum that his Twitter feed was filled with people insisting that Santorum had made an endorsement.
    Santorum denied that he had made an endorsement.

      1. chascates

        The polls there didn't look that good and it was expected him losing in his state would be the end of him as a public figure. Or a pubic figure.

  44. chascates

    Earlier today Newt Gingrich suggested he might reassess his campaign depending on the results in Delaware, where both Gingrich and wife Callista have spent a great deal of time campaigning. Tonight, after placing a very distant second — taking 27 percent of the vote to Romney’s 56.6 percent, Gingrich echoed that message.

    “Callista and I got into this for our grandchildren,” he said. “I want you to know over the next few days we’re going to look realistically at where we are at. We’re going to be in North Carolina all week. I also want to do that as somebody who is a unifier and somebody who is realistic.”

  45. Negropolis

    Wait, why in the hell are we live-blogging an anticlimactic foregone conclusion? I'd have more fun at a celebrity funeral, I tell you.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I think we're banned from naming whose funeral.

      It's the speeches which make me do this nonsense. It's so enraging and sets the stage for the Big Lies coming up in the actual election.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      Everyone has fun at a celebrity funeral! There is lots of free, top-drawer booze, and nobody really liked the deceased anyway.

      1. not that Dewey

        Didn't Ryan O'Neal ogle his own daughter at a celebrity funeral? Who doesn't love that?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      "… [her comment] could lead to a new round of charges that the Romneys don’t understand average Americans."

      I, hereby, charge that the Rmoneys don't even understand simple English usage. Not to mention how infuriating it is that Hillary Rosen's gaffe was so obviously unintentional, but she paid and paid, yet Mrs. Lovey Howell should be allowed to get away with this strikingly similar error.

    2. Radiotherapy

      But we can't say anything about St. Ann Riche. We must forgive her for the overwhelming difficulty she has had to endure in her life. Heroin of the stay-at-home moms — whom we all despise.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      I love that there are little match girls who die on street corners, their cold, wet hands clutching at the now only hallucinatory passersby as the snow drifts around their scrawny bodies covered in only threadbare soaked-through patched felt.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Those may be the lucky ones, compared with those who die from Phossy Jaw

        political edit: Israel used White Phosphorous in their invasion of Gaza a couple of years back, despite being banned by the Geneva Convention. As did the US in Fallujah, by most accounts.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          What's a little Willie Pete among friends? Next you're gonna start whining about how depleted uranium shells make battlefields glow for years after or how Tomahawk bomblets sorta look shiny and cool to ignorant little kids. Didn't you know, a better America's comin'! One where you don't have to apologize for fuck all!

  46. Slim_Pickins

    This up to the minute reporting on O'Reilly's disintegration is still not enough to get me watching FUX vuws. It could be a stroke, or it just may be his contract is up.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Funny you should mention it, but Bill-o and Insannity both signed new contracts today. They will torture us at least until 2016. No one's talking about the money, but it's in the millions per year, needless to say.

      So, yes, stroke.

  47. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Here's fun! These are Free Republic headlines (headlines!) from tonight. Not even comments:

    "Social Security Won't Be There, So Why Not Be Rich? (Occupy freeloaders don't get it)"

    "Will Liberal Mitt Romney be Conservative Kind to Supreme Court?"

    "Romney Campaign Ambiguously Gay"

    "And Remember How The Left Bashed Romney For Only Getting 25% Of The Vote? Not Tonight! [Especially MSNBC and the liberal baffoons on FOX.]"

    "It’s Not Just Romney Fans Pushing the False Narrative About Palin’s Vetting"

    "Romney judicial record: Liberals running wild"

    "Romney Wins GOP Primary Marked by Low Turnout (The RINO Effect)"

    This is awesome: they're flipping the fuck out over there. Meltdown-o-rama.

    That gives me a nice warm feeling after having to listen to Willard's bullshit.

  48. Negropolis


    Turn off your television! For the love of everything good and holy, turn that shit off!

    1. Radiotherapy

      Np, I hear ya.
      But considering a few weeks ago our Japanese Samurai was in nuclear meltdown, I'll take this Fukui Prefecture Tsunami in a heartbeat.

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Oddly enough, after my major rant-o-rama this evening, Comcast California cut me off from both interwebs and TV for two hours.

      True story. It might have saved my sanity.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Thanks to both you and everyone else.

          It's good to have an angry rant sometimes.

          Wifey had an operation today and it went really well, so a good day topped with some cathartic rage at the foolios on television.

  49. Designer_Rants

    Join us again NEVER. #itwasamistake GOODNIGHT!

    Yeah, so I missed it… but those sentences should not be true. I'm all in for playing "hard to get" (at least I was when I was a relentless 20 something with a constant hardon and no Mrs. Rants)… soooo, do I have to get all stalk-y, or can we have another rough-and-impromptu livebloggin' sometime soon (don' have 2 b no spesh ohkashun).

  50. AddHomonym

    Here comes the big stepper
    I'm the putative winner
    Excuse me mister voter
    Still love you like that

  51. Man0nTheStreet

    As Gingrich has failed his mission with Earthlings, Callista will seize command and order a return to Planet Transsexual in the Galaxy of Transylvania.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      I saw that one on Skinemax. It had an annoying old guy who was supposed to be the comic relief but just kept getting in the way, smirking and mugging for the camera.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Meh, he wasn't that funny anyhow. Him and Victoria Jackson could have a little SNL reunion of the wingtards.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      I gotta stick up for Lovitz a little here…He says he voted for Bammz the first time, but is sick of people talking about raising his taxes. I don't think Jon realizes the combined 50% he pays is a lot higher than what the capital gains crowd is paying.

      1. Gainsbourg69

        Obama talked about fairness and raising taxes on people making more than $250k during the last election. Either Lovitz is being dishonest about voting for Obama or he just woke up from a coma.

        1. Dr. Nick Riviera

          But he said he worked so hard and now everyone is trying to take stuff away from him! Unlike the poors who toil in ditches and pay a higher effective tax rate than he and other good folk do. Why can't Obama, son of a single mother who actually earned his way through college with grades, understand the value of hard work? TELLING JOKES IS HARD YOU GUYS.

          Seriously, I love the Critic though.

  52. BarackMyWorld

    Maybe Mitt's speeches would sound better if he would actually say something sincere for once in his life.

  53. ElPinche

    I much rather watch Barry on Fallon than 1,000 pundits blabbering about Mr. Money Muppet and the Unstoppable Chunk of Fail.

  54. DahBoner

    Always baste the skin with melted butter first, until the very end, THEN put in the BBQ sauce, to prevent burning…

  55. HuddledMass

    Oh god — "….dirty needle depository Rhode Island…" made me laugh and laugh. Because I live in Massachusetts and laughing at Rhode Island is what we do.

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