HEY BITCHES  8:03 pm April 24, 2012

Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well done, gentles!

New York, come on down! Pennsylvania! Connecticut! Rhode Island! DELAWARE! Politico says Scientology founder L. Newton Hubbard has a chance to win in Delaware, but mostly the article is like haha madeyalook! Newt is done. Roasted. On a spit with an apple. Make sure to turn him evenly, to give the skin that lovely crackle. YES WE ARE SAYING NEWT GINGRICH SHOULD BE EATEN. Welcome to liveblog, fellows!

8:05 PM — RIVETING television looking at Alan Colmes’s face, but a bizarro moment from Bill O’Reilly who actually decries the media not illuminating the fact that Obama is not a Muslin? We haz a confused. We will listen to this for a moment.

8:07 PM — Birthers and truthers are from the Internet, and it is the Internet’s fault that we are all so lunatical. We could not agree any more fervently, brunette lady on O’Reilly.

8:09 PM — Bill O’Reilly does not even agree with Linda Chavez that the libs have a bigger “megaphone” than the cons. Does he not know about the LIBERAL MEDIA? You would think he would know about them.

8:12 PM — Wouldn’t it be so great if Rick Santorum still won in Pennsylvania (we have not checked to see if he is still on the ballot, and you cannot make us) and GOT BACK IN THE RACE! Oh, we miss that sneery, spitty, smegma-slicked puss of his. Newt is grouchy in a BORING way, he just wants to go back to Greece.

8:14 PM — You guys, seriously, we are worried about Bill O’Reilly. He just spent a full 12 hours DEBUNKING an Internet meme about Abraham Lincoln slapping Bammerz from the grave. Oooooh, we get it, he is mad at the Internet because of falafels. FUCK IT, WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

8:17 PM — YOU GUYS TURN ON O’REILLY NOW HE IS MAD AT GHOST ANDREW BREITBART. Kirsten and I are seriously having strokes right now.

8:19 PM — Bill O’Reilly gives a math lesson to Matthew Continetti from the Washington Free Beacon (a slummy, scummy little creepy crawly sub-Daily Caller pile of Internet refuse) about the percentage of Washington Free Beacon writers who are full of shit. (ALL OF THEM, KATIE.)

8:23 — VIKING WARBLOGGER KBJ HERE. Mitt Romney has won the upscale New York suburb of Connecticut with one million percent of the vote.

8:31 — Mitt Romney has also won dirty needle depository Rhode Island. Hooray for him!

8:36 — Ooops, we have stolen the remote from the Editrix. Back to CNN! There is John McCain, looking like he needs a blood transfusion. Can you guess what he is saying? Hint: WAR WAR WAR WAR.

8:41 — Okay, more politics. That is why we are here, we think. CNN is calling Delaware for Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich will now wander off and molest a penguin:

8:45 — O hai, Schoenkopf again. NEWT SPEAKS! What will he say? He is wearing a blue tie like a fucking Democrat Traitor.

8:46 — President Obama’s performance at Chapel Hill, slow-jamming the newz with J. Fallon, is the reason this is the most important election IN HISTORY. Also, gas prizzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8:48 — China will enslave your children, for student loans, before they eat them with duck sauce. AND ANDERSON COOPER OUT!

8:50 — Poor L. Newt. Cooper ditched him about the time we tried for the the third time to parse a sentence about China, and Fox didn’t cover him speaking at all. But they ELECTION ALERT for that nice Ann Romney, whose hair looks just the right Diane Sawyer shade of golden bitch.

8:53 — KBJ BACK: Mitt Romney will now take the stage. Mitt will have you know that he has figured out what is going on in America, right now: “Americans are tired of being tired.” Think about that. It is your Mormon Koan for the evening.

8:56 — Mitt Romney’s brain has been infected, causing his speech to have a mild twang he did not have before, just like those psychotic cows in California. How nice for him.

8:58 — We have figured out the seating arrangement for the supporters arranged behind Mitt Romney on stage. The youths and the browns are on his left side, and the white olds in turtlenecks on the right. He is in the middle, get it? Also, Mitt will not let anyone steal his bags of money, fuck all of you.

9:04 — SNOOOOOOZE. We are listening for some of those “soundbite” things, but Mitt Romney has nothing but desperate pablum to share. Let us sum up: Mitt Romney is so sad that you are so poor. Sad sad sad. It wears out his battery slightly more than usual.

9:06 — Mitt Romney promises that Americans will be able to mock foreigners for their inferior standards of living again very soon. He knows how much you need to feel superior. He understands that perhaps better than anything else.

9:10 — Schoenkopf: Well, that might have been the GREATEST LIVE BLOG EVER! We watched Bill O’Reilly (and on the real we hope he is not, like, waiting on a test from his doctor, because we was being sort of compassionate and gentle and calling out GOP hacktards, and now we are askeered). Then we watched something else. And then there was Newt Gingrich, whom the teevee channels looked at for all of 95 seconds before they decided HE WAS THE WEAKEST LINK GOODBYE. (Except for Fox, which did not play his speech at all.) And then Mitt Romney came on to sexplain that Barack Obama stole your bicycle. Join us again NEVER. #itwasamistake GOODNIGHT!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 391 comments }

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Hey, Ann Romney, what's the difference between a pitt bull and a stay-at-home mom?
Coco Chanel's Rouge Allure Velvet Luminous Matte Lip Color

Maman April 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Most of us are using Carmex

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Lard here! The only way I am one of the 1% is in my milk choices.

Barrelhse April 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Rich girl uses Vaseline
Poor girl uses lard
Lulu uses axle-grease
And gets it twice as hard.

BornInATrailer April 25, 2012 at 10:16 am

Bang-Bang Lulu! Lulu bangs all day!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Pit bulls aren't coddled lazy martyrs with au-pairs of Cadillacs, or the Cadillac's of au-pairs.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Well, the pitt bull can be likeable, while Ann Romney is a smarmy cunt who's never had to work a single day of her life.

There, I said it!

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 8:39 pm

She's never raised her kids a day in her life either. Hiring a nanny to take them off your hands while you go yachting does not count as being a stay-at-home mom.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Once again: never had to work a single day of her life.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

And move over darkies, this is her time.

MilwaukeeKent April 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

She insists she didn't "have help" until the fifth kid. I think we're being unfair on the rich here, I mean, "keeping up appearances" is hard work, not as hard as choosing the right womb to slide out of, but almost.

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

IN HER DEFENSE: "Selling stock" probably seems extremely similar to work, if you've never worked a day in your life.

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:00 am

The Former Mr. Tessie's boss' wife had four kids — school-age, so they were somebody else's problem during the day, but four. She also had a housekeeper, AND a nanny (for the three hours between the end of the school day and when the housekeeper served dinner), AND a "social secretary", who I guess had sole responsibility for answering the phone when it rang. This left Wifey-Poo's entire day free to spend at the gym, clothing boutique, and plastic surgeon.

Isyaignert April 25, 2012 at 2:41 am

Ohhh, snap!! Barb, you are aptly named grrrrlfriend!

Pres.Beeblebrox April 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Crack out the Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA…

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Maker's Mark and bitters, over here.

Make that extremely bitters, in honor of Newton's continued presence in national politics.

WunkRocker April 25, 2012 at 8:21 am

The 120 minute is for the troo Bitters/elitists. In celebration, I'm going down to the home depot parking lot, getting a bunch of messicans in my minivan to mow my lawn only to lay them off later in the day when it'll be too late to find work. No frijoles con arroz for little Kayla-ita, Pedro.

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I can only imagine how Mitt snickers whenever he hears, "Money doesn't grow on trees"

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

It does if they're the right size. Usually 100's.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:15 pm

That's it! Mitt has a private stand of mythical money trees!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Where's my Wolf.? They've got some crazy story about Mad Cow, get it? crazy arghh, prions.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Yeah, is there a live feed somewhere?

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Oh, I get it. Live feed. Eating brains. lol

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:15 pm

No joke. I'm not allowed to watch primaries on the TV any more because I drink and yell too much :/

MilwaukeeKent April 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

These seem more like "snore too loudly" primaries.

Boojum April 25, 2012 at 7:59 am

Isn't that a car, the Honda Prion?

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Vote for change — vote for a Republican draft dodger.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Which one?

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Say it with me…

ALL OF 'EM, KATIE.

Blendergoathead April 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

THETA LIBEL!1!!!!1!!!!!

Generation[redacted] April 24, 2012 at 8:14 pm

When is the Moon holding its primary?

Angry_Marmot April 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Free Luna!

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Mitt missed one of life's greatest thrills…making the last car payment. Makes me almost feel sorry for the dickweed.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Not if you bought one of his dad's POS Gremlins or Hornets. You'd be under water…with a fucking car loan!!1!

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:04 am

I made my last payment on the Tessiemobile last year, and do you know, I was actually *surprised* to get the title in the mail? I'd forgotten that I was ever going to actually own the car; and figured it was just something I'd have to pay every month until I died, like insurance or a mortgage payment.

elgin_pelican April 25, 2012 at 10:21 am

"I don't care what blue book value is! There's DOG EXCREMENT all over the roof! $500 tops, and we keep the rebate."

OC_Surf_Serf April 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Gingrich is hoping to become the Christine O’Donnell

Besides being an arrogant creep, now he wants to be a witch too…

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

wouldn't he be a warlock warmongering draft dodger?

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

tumor-dodging whore-mage?

OC_Surf_Serf April 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

All of them, Radio and Fukui…plus a shitload more.

Swampgas_Man April 24, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Already Romney's bitch. Close enough.

Barrelhse April 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

How do you say that? Is it "lunatical" or "lunatical"?

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 8:27 pm

it's 'test icle'.

Carrabuda April 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

You say tomato, I say tomato.

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 2:11 am

"Republican" works for me.

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm

"I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love."
Actual Mitt Romney quote January 2012

Yeah, this guy is going to need a teleprompter.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Just wait until Anne's gynecologist wants to share his love with you.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

“Americans are tired of being tired.”
*groooaaaan*…

OneDollarJuana April 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Millions of tired Americans are tired of being millions of tired Americans.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Who are tired.

Swampgas_Man April 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

And fired. Which Romney likes to do.

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Romney/Tautology 2012.

BTWBFDIMHO April 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

OMg, I pasted that line in google and yes, he said it. I knew Obama was too good for this country, oh well…

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:06 am

I forget — is that a syllogism or a sophistry?

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2012 at 12:28 am

No, we talked about this! Some scribe sloppily wrote his parody of everything he heard Mitt say on the campaign trail, and everybody assumed Mitt would actually say something that stupid.

LionHeartSoyDog April 25, 2012 at 12:48 am

That Rmoney quote is borderline G.W.Bush stupid.

Life is too short, and the need for change so desperate, for the enduring idiocy of Murkan "politics."

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Haha, Ron Paul crushing el Newtie in RI at the moment.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I would so like to see Dr. Fart Breath beat Mitt too. Paultardmania would be awesome.

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Hey, howzit?

SmutBoffin April 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Haha! Does anyone else remember the Internet from this time last election? Paultards everywhere! Making lengthy, earnest posts about their "deeply held libertarian beliefs". Not just on the political Internets, either! EVERY-GODDAM-WHERE. What happened to them?

Did they all go Galt and no one noticed?

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Mom made them get a job or she'd take away their anime.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

OTAKU LIBEL!!!

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:17 pm

I'm actually pissed at how Ron just totally gave up. Technically, he's still in the race, but he's gone far quieter than I'd have liked to have seen him this late in the game.

James Michael Curley April 25, 2012 at 9:27 am

Then he would have to spend some of those campaign donations he is socking away so that they become reimbursed 'campaign expenses' in December when he starts his 2016 Presidential run with that kick off speech in Disney World and that fact finding tour of Bangkok.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

If you are "having strokes", can I watch?

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

CNN already calling Connecticut for the Canine Carpooler.

Biff April 24, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Rhodesia Island, too.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Boo, hiss.

Veritas78 April 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

As Connecticut goes, so goes Westchester. 2012 is so over!

Pres.Beeblebrox April 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Riveting live coverage from Delaware's News Source, WDEL AM 1150, of the Delaware primary… make sure to mix some caffeine into your Goldschlager as you hear about "Speaker" "Gingrich" and "Governor" "R-Money".
http://wdel.com/index.php

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Technical question: How does one braid hair, have strokes and liveblog at the same time.
Is that what the kids are calling it now?

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Congratulations to Mitt Romney who now has a clear path to the Republican nomination for President. Please shake your Etch-a-Sketch and clear out all those radical conservative positions that were clearly not part of your true beliefs, so that we can now have a true center-right debate on the future of America.

OC_Surf_Serf April 24, 2012 at 8:29 pm

If a man shakes his Etch-a-Sketch too much he will get magetic-metal hair all over his palm…

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Twist those knobs with caution!

OC_Surf_Serf April 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

…and twistin' knobs is what the other hand is for!

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I didn't know Rick Santorum was still in this.

RavenRant April 24, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Matthew Continetti is Bill 'Wrong About Everything' Kristol's son-in-law. And manages to be more repulsive and less masculine than Ross Douthat.

Chichikovovich April 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

You're back! I missed you!

RavenRant April 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Thanks, I missed you, too. I'll be checking in a little more often these days.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Road iLand goes to MItt.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Hi, Viking War Blogger KBJ!

(I like Viking women.)

KBoydJohnson April 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Shucks.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 10:32 pm

When you glance around the comments, do you get the distinct impression that there are scores of us who would drop panting at your feet and be enslaved forever? Because, you would be completely, terribly wrong.

Dozens, maybe, but not scores.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 25, 2012 at 1:22 am

Don't you mess around with Boojum, Viking Gal, I got first dibs on ya!~

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 10:31 pm

These times call for a new kind of Viking. Thus, bearded survivalist Ken Layne had to go away, replaced by a willowy, gold-coiffed Nordic minx.

Barrelhse April 24, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Is the lady who sings when it's over a Viking?

Pres.Beeblebrox April 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm

That awkward moment when 47% of precincts are reporting in DE and you're behind 56% to 27%…

7% turnout, FTW!
http://elections.delaware.gov/results/html/electi

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Is it too soon to break out the Mormon jokes?

If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi…
You might be a Mormon.

Join me below.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 8:38 pm

If you go out with your wife, and your wife catches you…
You might be a Mormon

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm

If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're
disciplining…
You might be a Mormon.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:19 pm

If you believe golden plates something to be worshiped rather than something a rich man eats off of…

You might be a Mormon.

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:09 am

"If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're
disciplining… "

Shoot, that was my Italian Catholic family. My sister and I and all ten cousins who lived in the same town constantly got called by each other's names — and depending on whose house we were over, possibly my mother's or aunt's name, too.

"Stop that, Tess-Bess-Jess-Jerzette-wh [sputter]! You're not my kid, but I'll hit you anyway!"

OC_Surf_Serf April 24, 2012 at 8:40 pm

If your Mesa, Arizona neighbours refer to you as a Rocky Mountain Jew, you might be are a Mormon.

(No shit…that was the term I heard there many, many times)

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm

If your mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception…
You might be a Mormon.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Or from West Virginia.

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:12 am

Or Irish.

Veritas78 April 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

They are also referred to as "Scoopers." Because God scooped out their brains when they were babies and then let them grow into Mormons. (True Arizona epithet.)

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 25, 2012 at 1:25 am

Oy, gevalt, oy vey is mir.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

If you think Mountain Meadows sounds like a neat-o place for a picnic…

You might be a Mormon.

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm

If you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh…
You might be a Mormon.

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Ix-nay on the olygamy-pay! Or else Baby Newell will has a sad.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

If you have a minimum of 11 baby showers to go to each year…
You might be a Mormon.

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

CATHOLIC LIBEL!

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

If you believe black people are a cursed race of quasi-demons, but you think white sheets are just too gauche, you might be a Mormon.

glamourdammerung April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

If you dress like a Native American before murdering crowds of people, you might be a Mormon?

If you believe Pedobear gets his own planet, you might be a Mormon?

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:31 am
Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

If you scan the obituaries to look for new relatives, you might be a Mormon.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

If you believe Jesus will return and have nothing fucking better to do than go to the Midwest,
You might be a Mormon.

Veritas78 April 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

If you are gullible enough to believe your religion's founder unearthed some golden plates in upstate New York and then mislaid them, you'll believe anything.

Barrelhse April 24, 2012 at 11:00 pm

If you strap the dog onto the roof-rack and he craps the back window, you probably ARE a Mormon.

criminogenic April 24, 2012 at 11:39 pm

If your underwear can use Sat. nav.

You might be a Mormon

Pat_Pending April 24, 2012 at 11:44 pm

If you've never been to Bonnaroo, NoisePop, Warped, SXSW, or Coachella but you've been to Branson, MO for the music…

You might be a Mormon

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:14 am

"If you've never been to Bonnaroo"

I'm borrowing here, but "Bonnaroo" sounds like what Scooby Doo yells when he climaxes.

Boojum April 25, 2012 at 6:17 am

Raggy….Raggy….Bonnaroooooo!!!!

FlownOver April 25, 2012 at 8:05 am

If you see any relationship at all between the Garden of Eden and Independence, MO…

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Ronaldum Paulus, ye olde Geldmeister, beating Newtie everywhere but Delaware.

How can anyone be more unpopular than that crazy old man? Oh right – Ron is just fucking crazy and not an insufferable, vicious, bloviating shitsack.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:34 am

If he didn't want everyone to die in the Thunderdome, I would enjoy it so much more when he does his Cranky Old Man routine on pundits and interviewers.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 8:39 pm

And Delaware gets called for Willard. Better start letting Callista kite those checks now Newton, because people know your broke jowly face.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Maybe he can have future wife # 4 take care of that for him.

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm

President Arpaio of The Republic of Arizona has declared all USian elections invalid because of Federalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barb April 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm

It took less time for the Obama Administration to find Osama bin Laden than it has taken Conservatives to find where Obama was born. When will the Trump or Arpaio Report finally be released?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm

What's all this about Mormons?
~

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Newt Gingrich will now wander off and molest a penguin

Callista in a tux? After all, she does have an avian body habitus.

Boojum April 25, 2012 at 8:05 am

Callista Gingrich is proof that Lizard People evolved from birds.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I fucking hate, HATE that "most important election in our lifetime" bullcrap.

ThundercatHo April 24, 2012 at 10:18 pm

It's like every single blizzard is the "STORM OF THE CENTURY", da da da DUH. Sheesh.

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:16 am

The most important election in our lifetime was the 2000 one, when we all found out the hard way that if it's a close election, the Supreme Court can award it to the guy they like. True, it was important for a *really bad* reason, but still.

Pres.Beeblebrox April 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Neut speaks… within the first 45 seconds he's uttered about 15 lies.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Right, what about the price of printer ink cartridges?

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Hey, at least that gives Mittens a solid goal to shoot for.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:25 pm

He must get paid by-the-lie.

Biff April 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Awright, which of you assholes is praying for Ann and Mittens?

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I am, but probably not what they want me to pray for.

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I'm itching to prey on them.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:36 am

The Most Dangerous Pray.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Good thing Gingrich is a 2nd Amendment defender. No more votes than he's getting he'd better start carrying a gun.

imissopus April 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I think the last word in the alt-text might be missing a letter.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Speling and soshulizm both start with "s", which must mean something or other.

not that Dewey April 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Do Mormons count as gentiles? All gentiles are goyim, but not all goyim are gentiles.

imissopus April 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

In Mormonland, any non-Mormon is a gentile. Which is so confusing to us Jews for whom the words gentile and goyim have often been interchangeable. Fuck it, let's rip some more bong hits and forget the whole thing.

trampndirtdown April 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I had to live in Mormonland for a year while in the sixth grade, didn't know what gentile meant but it was the source of many fights.

not that Dewey April 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Done, and done!

DaRooster April 24, 2012 at 11:06 pm

"I miss Opus"

I miss you….

Biff April 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I don't think Mittens should've begun his speech with "bonjour, Americains…

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

"Baissez-vous, Americains" would have been more honest.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

"va te faire enculer, cochons"

imissopus April 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Hey hey, we speak English here in Amurka, gawd dammit!

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:39 am

I was surprised he didn't opt for the crash-landing-on-a-wind-sail stage-right entrance.

Or maybe he coulda spoken from a tank while wearing a blue helmet.

DaRooster April 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Has to be said,
"Fuck Romney!"

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

No thanks. It's bad policy to pursue relations with a sociopath…

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

*Deep, 40's radio voice*"This is a job for ButtBachmann!"

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Bill O’Reilly gives a math lesson to Matthew Continetti from the Washington Free Beacon (a slummy, scummy little creepy crawly sub-Daily Caller pile of Internet refuse) about the percentage of Washington Free Beacon writers who are full of shit.

Matthew Continetti approaches Cantor-like levels of face punchability.

Gainsbourg69 April 25, 2012 at 12:17 am

Watch the Bill Maher episode from two weeks ago and you'll see him get his ass handed to him by David Stockman over the Ryan budget.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:56 am

I saw it, which is the only reason I knew who he was. Maher seemed to be holding back on him a bit, considering how easily-debunkable most of the crap coming out of his mouth was.

Jeffer April 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

The Wazoo is ready for a long weekend in Vegas. With me, her husband.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 25, 2012 at 1:05 am

Have a wonderful time, you two!

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 2:12 am

Jesus, your user names get better and better!

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Oh good, Rachel's talking primary, on MSNBC, unlike shouty Ed, who decided to talk about food, go figure.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

What is this insane bullshit from Willard? The problem with healthcare is the service is shittier for double the GDP cost that most western countries.

The Government would control 50% of the economy? Oh FUCK YOU, you fucking shitbag corporate raider.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

"Some children will be successful! And everyone else should kiss their fucking asses! It doesn't matter if they inherited shitloads of money!" (ok, I made the last sentence up, but it was implied)

BZ1 April 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

What's the point of this again???

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

It's all Barb's fault.

Or did you mean the primaries?

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Pure, unfiltered, soul-crushing depression.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Making sure the winner-take-all economy keeps rolling along. Maintain the Bush/Obama tax cuts and get rid of the estate tax.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:42 am

Uh, you mean the Death Tax? I think somebody needs a little more Luntzing Up.

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:25 am

To get a whiteguy back in charge, I think.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

What the flying dogfuck is this now? Government workers get paid too much?

The whole thing is that they get paid less for the same work, but get decent benefits.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Please, pleeeeease, no subtle distinctions among many complex economic factors allowed when inane talking points get more applause from the 'tards.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Mitts is just pissed because he can't send the gov't jobs overseas and profit from it.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I've been watching some recent SNLs this week…Jason Sudeikis's Mitt Romney impression is terrible and Fred Armisen's Obama is getting gradually worse. Castmember Jay Pharoah's Obama impression he did in his stand-up was not just more accurate, but funnier. I have no idea who should take over as Romney this fall if Sudeikis leaves, though.

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Fye on them!

I'm waiting to see Key & Peele's take on it. Jordan Peele's Obama could not be more dead on, so I can only guess what cardboard cut-out they'll use for Mittens.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Peele's is good, but Pharoah's is better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkZgHjmBlvE

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:29 am

Well done — but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT read the comments!

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Maybe just a real cardboard cut out.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:30 pm

I really like Sudeikis' impression, because he doesn't look like Mitt, nor is he trying to sound like him, and I think that is kind of the point. Mitt is so "not there" that he could literally be any out-of-touch douchebag millionaire.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:58 am

I don't think they're trying to go Chevy Chase/Gerald Ford with it…I just think Sudeikis hasn't mastered it yet.

imissopus April 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

OT but is anyone else just super-excited that this site is only 41 likes away from 10,000 on Facebook? I hear Rebecca is going to throw a huge party at her house, with hookers and tranny hookers and bathtub gin and some of that Negro jazz music, when we hit the fabled five figures. But she wants it to be a surprise, so SSHHHHHH NO ONE SAY ANYTHING!

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

10,000 FB likes? Is there any money in that?

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Does Wonkette have more frenz than Orly Taitz?

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

She'll also braid all of our hair.

KBoydJohnson April 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Anonymous sources report that there will be a Los Angeles-area Wonkette meetup very, very soon. Stay tuned for details.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

We need one closer to MEEEEEE!!!!

Veritas78 April 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Well, the anniversary of the Rodney King riots is right about now—will it be anything like that? Can I bring anything?

ThundercatHo April 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Very, very soon? Oh, shit. (walks into kitchen and pops another Nu-Slim)

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Megan Carpentier is back?

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:47 am

By "Stay tuned", do you mean "hit refresh on Wonkette.com every second forever"? I def want to see what kinda ballin' mansions teh Blog Moniez buy. And I heard there will be hair braiding.

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 2:16 am

I'm in if it's not a night I have class (my damned program keeps scheduling Tuesday night classes that I have to take.)

I hope and assume alcohol will be involved?

imissopus April 25, 2012 at 2:31 am

A bunch of political junkies with limited social skills all together in one room? Sign me up!

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 8:02 am

Wait, this whole Wonkette thing is about politics?!?!? That's so fucking boring.

Butch_Wagstaff April 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm

How about a DC party? I might be able to show up. I'd be the one wearing the mask who brings along a trunk full of booze.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:50 am

Another DC Eyes Wide Shut party? Ugh.

Isyaignert April 25, 2012 at 2:47 am

K'na!

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Oh! Oh! There we go – "taught in schools" regarding the free market system. He's talking indoctrination.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

"We've always been a nation of big steppers" … and often wide stancers, amirite?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Nope nope nope you cannot make me watch this. No.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

You're safe; it's over. Now it's just Wolf Blitzer spouting idiot platitudes as usual. That fuckblintz Piers Morgan attempting to sound like a journalist. Cunt.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

"Never again apologize for America abroad"

Yeah, fuck the bay of pigs, installing the Shah, stupid wars in Iraq, bombing civilians, madd soldiers going on shooting rampages. Why should we apologize for any of that shit? Fuck them. USA NUMBER FUCKING ONE! WALK TALL!

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Jayzuz, Fukui, think of your brain!!! I hope you're really, really drunk right now – I'd hate to think you might actually remember any of this by the time you fall asleep.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

hey, what happened with that comment? I wonder what I wrote for auto-deleted.

I'm only on my second drink :/

The nonstop lies and distortions make me really angry. Secretly I kinda like it.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Fire bombing Tokyo, 100,000 dead in ONE fucking night. Mai Lai. Sleeping with Stalin in WW1.5. Decimating Native Americans. The Conquest of California and the Southwest. Attacking a sovereign country on completely false pretenses. Slavery. EeeTeeCee, blah, blah, blah.
Yes, there is no apology necessary.

emmelemm April 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

On my mind lately: internment of Japanese!

Sparky McGruff April 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Yeah, man. Next time our soldiers "accidentally" shoot up villages or rape a few children, I want a president who says "FUCK YEAH! SUCK ON IT!"

Because apologizing when you're wrong is the worst thing you can possibly do.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:54 am

As if Obama has been on some 4 year Apology Tour anyway. He's just been doing an excellent job on foreign policy, acting like a smart, respectful and respectable human being, leading. Then he gets attacked by moron conservatives for it. Morons. Morons. They should apologize and then kill themselves.

WonkCynic April 25, 2012 at 1:25 am

Don't leave out Libya! That one belongs to the nigga prez. He did that one. Those womens and kiddies that got ordinance dropped on 'em in have to blame it on yer nigga.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 25, 2012 at 1:48 am

Hmm. If you'd paid attention, you'd notice that I'd included both drone strikes killing innocent civilians and the recent slaughter of innocents by a single soldier – which of course happened under the current president.

Bay of Pigs was under JFK.

Notice that I've not insulted either you or the previous president until this point.

For all his faults, and he has them, our current erudite, lucid, thoughtful President is far superior to the quarter-witted shaved Pongid who held the office beforehand.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

MSNBC is showing Mitt's speech…

There's lots of weird yelling…Is Xena: Warrior Princess in the crowd?

glamourdammerung April 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I thought yelling was horrible. Oh wait, Dean was not a Republican.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I missed Bammer's talk at the U of Colorado tonight. Are the students rioting? I hope they all at least lit up.

EDIT: Sweet editrix, would the new administration consider getting on a server that can handle the live-blog traffic so I don't have to watch the arrows circle for 15 minutes while I wait for the comment to show up?

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I'm not sure it's the server; might be your internet connection? Works pretty much instantly for me.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Could be – the connection has been fast since then. I think Comcast uses waxed dental floss for its cable connections out in these parts.

littlebigdaddy April 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Yeah, but the administration put some really stinky fertilizer down to keep down the hippies: <a href="http://www.denverpost.com/news/marijuana/ci_20442381/marijuana-rally-trouble-at-colorado-university?IADID=Search -www.denverpost.com-www.denverpost.com” target=”_blank”>http://www.denverpost.com/news/marijuana/ci_20442…” target=”_blank”>-www.denverpost.com-www.denverpost.com

Limeylizzie April 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

No problem here, either.

trampndirtdown April 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

It's unanimous dog. The problem is you.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Nope, the problem isn't just him. If I'm hear for more than 10 minutes the pages just absolutely crawl. I don't have the fastest connection, but it's still a cable connection, so this should not be crawling like this.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 25, 2012 at 1:18 am

Computer RAM issues? It's quite javascript-heavy.

If you shut the browser right down and start it up again, does that fix the speed issue? If so, that might indicate that's you're running out of memory.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

So … what?? Connecticut and Rhode Island can't give us any fun? It's not bad enough Little Ricky had to santorum all over the fun I was planning on having in Pennsylvania.

Republicans simply cannot build suspense. Add that to no sense of irony, no ability to snark (in fact no senses of humor of any kind), no feeling of community, no love for ones fellow wo/man (except for buttsecks), and no ability to differentiate the real Constitution from a fake one.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Their idea of high humor is to deride another person for [insert extremely graphic, obviously first person description of a homosexual encounter], while projecting their own flaws.

Jukesgrrl April 25, 2012 at 2:37 am

Or deride them for their intelligence.Elitists!

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 2:17 am

I was so sad when the Frothy Mix aborted his campaign before the Pennsylvania primary. Would have loved to see my home state give him the shellacking he deserves…

Jukesgrrl April 25, 2012 at 2:27 am

My home state, too! Are you still there?

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 4:03 am

No, actually, I'm in Los Angeles now, but I still remember where I came from. Go Stillers!

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Still with the fucking Greek columns?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

TELEPROMPTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Biff April 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

My Daddy huffed sold paint from the trunk of a Rambler!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 10:26 pm

My dad bought a AMC Hornet in '73. It was blowing smoke in the first week. Luckily, he got his money back. He then bought a Gran Torino. Fuck all the Rmoney's.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 2:00 am

I love how Romney never mentions the car company his dad was the head of was AMC.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I like how Mitt warned us he was going to bore us at the beginning of the speech. That was refreshingly honesty on his part.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I Stand Here Ironying

Mumbletypeg April 25, 2012 at 9:47 am

Thumbs' for referencing one of my favorite stories — a classic.

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Omg Mittens just repeated that "half of the economy" meme. He is literally taking his talking points from Crazyeyes Bachman. I think we just hit Peak Wingnut, folks.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Does that mean that we'll soon have a rapid decline in the resource, with diminishing gains at hugely increasing costs? Don't get my hopes up. I thing Wingnut is an infinitely fungible resource.

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Yeah, now that you mention it. I'm pretty sure Wingnut is like Love, or Dignity, in that the more of it you use, the more of it you have.

And in no other way whatsoever.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I got really, really fucking annoyed when he blamed Obamacare for spiralling healthcare costs as a percentage of GDP. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM IT'S TRYING TO SOLVE, YOU DISINGENUOUS FUCKING FILTHYWEASEL(*).

* Where is owls, anyway?

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Hunting. Those barn mice aren't going to eviscerate themselves.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Ned betr mouses.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:50 am

It's not like "Obamacare" hasn't actually kicked in yet or healthcare costs were already trending this way for years and years and years before Obama was even elected.

Gainsbourg69 April 25, 2012 at 12:24 am

He lifted the whole "my daddy sold sherwin-williams out of his van" bullshit from Marco Rubio. Motherfucker is getting Palanized by Rove.

gurukalehuru April 25, 2012 at 8:21 am

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I think we hit peak wingnut, folks" I'd probably have 20 or 30 nickels by now.
These people don't see jumping the shark as a negative thing. They just start looking for a new shark to jump.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 11:01 am

With frickin' lasers on their heads.

ElPinche April 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

ugh

KBoydJohnson April 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Seconded.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Three-way…I mean, third.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Sloppy fourths. Hey Pinche, you need a hair-braiding?

Callyson April 25, 2012 at 2:19 am

Put me in for a fifth.

Fifth of what, I'm not so picky at this point…

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 8:15 am

corn rows or gtfo

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 1:47 am

I couldn't even liveblog. I fell into a basic cable coma while bouncing between MSNBC , CNN, and FoxNews. I ended up on "Finding BigFoot" four hours later. WTF.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

"We will stop the unfairness of…"

No mention of income disparity, access to healthcare, or race/gender discrimination.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Mentioning income disparity is what's unfair. It creates jealousy and discontent.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

He's already said we should be fucking worshipping the people who are the top strata of wage-earners, rather than being such petty, jealous little whingers.

Fuck statistics like income disparity or social mobility.

HATE HATE HATE

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

He's already said…

Yeah, but this is Romney we're talking about. Nothing he ever said before right now still counts.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Even in the same damn speech it doesn't count. Well, not to these goddamn windowlickers in the audience.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Obviously, the real racist is you, for bringing up race in the first pla-oh, fuck it, there's not enough booze for that…

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Protip: government workers are taxpayers. And government jobs sometimes offer benefits in order to be competitive. Why does Mittens hate the free market?

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 2:05 am

I doubt he knows how little government employees actually make.
His entry level government job was governor of a state, after all.

Angry_Marmot April 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

"So how about that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Communist? Mr. College Professor! Mr. Beatnik! Mr. Hippie!"

iburl April 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Rmoney's ideas are like a fress of breast hair.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

There is no joy in Newtville.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

And thank you, Metro City!

iburl April 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Mittens says he will stop the unfairness of unions making people support politicians they don't want to support. (By making all unions illegal, obvs.)

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Did you ever try to MAKE a union member do something? Even if you are her/his union "boss"?

Limeylizzie April 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I can't listen to him , mainly for that insanely annoying lip-smacking thing he does, but also for the cuntload of lies.

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:34 pm

You always pick up on these horribly obnoxious tics that I never noticed before but now I can't UNnotice.

Limeylizzie April 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

It's really bad if it's a one on one interview, you can hear the saliva and teeth combo .

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

You also noticed that Ricky Buttcream's eyes were too close together, and now every time he comes on TV I can't help but think of him using one goggle when he goes swimming.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Cuntload of lies? I doubt that even ol' lady Duggar has a cunt stretch out enough to hold all of Mitt's lies.

ThundercatHo April 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I hadn't noticed before but it's still not as bad as the disgusting lip-licking thing that John Edwards did in his speeches.

Limeylizzie April 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm

It's really loud if it's in a studio, makes me scream and not in a good way.

MissNancyPriss April 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Poor Fukui-sansYesOta :(

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Eh? I'm too stupid to understand.

edit: and I'm not alcohol-poisoned yet!

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Tonight on Rachel Maddow…guest-starring Steve Schmidt as Capt. Obvious.

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Money quote of the moment goes to Rachel, though:

"You might be hearing that, but Romney sure isn't saying it!"

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Why are we not standing tall? Has the blah president made us feel shorter? I was under the distinct impression that in the eyes of the world, he was lifting us up a notch. Maybe certain people's guns and Bibles are weighing them down.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

We are not standing tall because Obama is always bowing and apologizing to foreigns. We need to be kicking their asses. Especially our allies, who need to know who's boss.

MissNancyPriss April 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

But bin Laden

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:43 am

Yeah…
I mean, fuckin-A-right!!
Remember when Preznit George W. Mountain Dew Camacho was all like, "FUCK YOU GUYS! WE'RE GONNA INVADE YOUR COUNTRY FOR NO REASON AND FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!!", and then he was like, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, MOTHERFUCKERS! CHECK OUT MY STUFFED PACKAGE!!"?
Shit like that is what makes Real Amurkans [tm] stand tall.

Jukesgrrl April 25, 2012 at 2:38 am

And if you don't agree, we'll rub your shoulders until you change your mind.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

If that was Mitt's introductory general election speech, where he lays out what he's going to run on…wow, he's fucked. Because that speech was TERRIBLE. Obama by 20 points.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

It drives the thinking person nuts in its empty pablum, but the problem comes along when you realise than a good proportion of the population lap that bullshit up as if it's a fine cognac.

trampndirtdown April 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

A good proportion of the population is currently watching reruns of Two and a half Men and couldn't pick mittens out of a lineup. But they know Nobama is bad cuz they heard it at work.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

BINGO!

Biff April 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm

He is what poor people think a rich person sounds like.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Well …

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

When you look at unemployment, the leading indicator of how the economy is affecting average Americans, there's no logical reason Obama can't repeat what Reagan got in 1984.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Holy goddamn shit. Santorum is on Piers Morgan. It's a maelstrom of cunts.

edit: actually, even I can't watch this.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Will. Not. Watch.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Worst. Porno. Ever!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:34 pm

OK, entertaining though this is, I need to go and score some more exciting standardized-test essays by Texan 10th-graders. I'm up to over 30 teen mom stories and at least 50 or 60 KONY2012 essays, plus the usual run of best-friend-died-in-a-crash-and-now-I-appreciate-every-day-in-a-new-way homilies.

Farewell, filthy fuckaducks. I'll see you on the other side of the dangling modifiers.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

God, you poor bastard…

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I get paid 50 cents an essay, and can plow through nearly 40 an hour….

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Well…good luck to ya…

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I would need at least $20 worth of food and beverage treats to give me the incentive to read 40 of those things. So zero-sum game. And maybe why I'm a poorz.

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

essays by Texan 10th-graders… over 30 teen mom stories

Hey, write what you know.

Our children is learning!

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Enjoy the drink afterwards (?), good Dok.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Heh–in the fifth essay of the bunch (after a smart phone's signal helped cops solve a crime): "I have a new respect for these phones. They can save your life and then you can play Angry Birds."

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Huh. That's not bad.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

It's kind of the 2012 version of copying from the encyclopedia I guess.
D-

ThundercatHo April 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm

My son told me that for his essay he actually sprinkled drops of water over the paper in order to convince the grader of his deep grief over the untimely death of his wonderful mother (me).

Doktor StrangeZoom April 25, 2012 at 1:10 am

Haha! The essays are scanned and the blurry results are read by half-blitzed wage slaves on a computer! Wasted effort, young one, but I like the cut of your jib.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

If you haven't read former Wonkette editor Alex Pareene's article on Mittens on Salon give it a look: http://www.salon.com/2012/04/23/rich_weird_romney

Martin Luther King Day, Jacksonville, Fla., 2008: Mitt poses for a picture with some cheerful young parade attendees. As he squeezes in to the otherwise all-black group, he says, apropros of nothing, “Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof!”
“Not only was Eisenhower one of my favorite presidents; when we became grandparents, you get to choose what the kids will call you. Some call you Papa. I chose Ike. I’m Ike, and Ann is Mamie.”
After a voter at the New Hampshire diner told Romney, “My daughter goes to Michigan State,” he replied, “Oh, does she, really? My brother’s on the board of Michigan State.” When another patron said that she was from Illinois, Romney told her, “I won the straw poll at the Illinois Republican convention!”
“I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it again.”

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

1981 Mitt Romney is lucky he's rich & that Pepper Spray Cop was still a sperm in daddy's nut.

Butch_Wagstaff April 24, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Mitt would have been the perfect GOP candidate in 1972. Which means he's the perfect GOP candidate for 2012.

Limeylizzie April 25, 2012 at 7:44 am

I just finished the e-book "Rude Guide to Mitt Romney" by Pareene and it is excellent, only about $3 on Amazon , he captures Mittens perfectly.

rocktonsam April 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I can't watch this shit. I am watching the Wall St. thingy on FRONTLINE.

OT, my credit union of 13 years has merged with another credit union. I haven't been able to access my account online or talk to a person SINCE. They sent me a list of charges that never existed before the merge, charges ranging from charging a dollar ever time you use your ATM card after using the card 4 times in a month to charging 3 dollars a month for having free checking. OH I'M SO ANGRY!

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

"charging a dollar ever time you use your ATM card after using the card 4 times in a month"

that is goddamn obscene

chascates April 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Did you see the one on 1929 before the current show started? History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce?

rocktonsam April 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

With the B of A thing and people flocked to credit unions.

CRIPES!!1!

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

"…charging 3 dollars a month for having free checking."

When did bankers forget the meaning of the word "free"? (And I thought the "free gift with purchase" at the cosmetic counter was crazy.)

rocktonsam April 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I received a letter last week telling me that my account number matched the same account number with a member from the credit union we were merging with! I was given a new number and haven't been to access ever since.

I hate America,
-Bart Simpson

Jukesgrrl April 25, 2012 at 2:35 am

That SUCKS!

AlterNewt April 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Hey, there's still some dip left.

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Yeah, but his daughter said earlier today that he would be "reconsidering" his campaign if he didn't win any of the primaries tonight.

Biff April 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Flavored?

MilwaukeeKent April 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

What's THAT all about?

Barb April 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Hi Kent, I had major surgery in February. I am assuming that Barrel was inquiring about my health. My husband, cutie pie that he is decided to answer and we chuckled. No static at all.

MilwaukeeKent April 24, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Hope all is well, Barb. First the Firesign Theater references are flying around, now you're dragging in Steely Dan!

Barb April 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Kent, I cleaned out the winter clothes out of the closets and hung the summer clothes up. I was thrilled to find the Steely Dan t-shirts.

MilwaukeeKent April 25, 2012 at 2:34 am

While the poor people sleeping with the shade on the light! It's Show Biz, Kids!

Barrelhse April 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Actually, it was a Firesign Theatre gag about being Americans, a la Mitt (which Angry Marmot seems to have heard).
I wouldn't discuss your medical history like that, Barb.

MilwaukeeKent April 25, 2012 at 2:37 am

Ask the cop on the corner, ask the cop in the woodpile…Ask the cop that's knock-knock-knocking on your front door!

FlownOver April 25, 2012 at 7:46 am

"This is a bag of shit!"

"Yes, but it's really good shit, Mrs. Preske!"

ifthethunderdontgetya April 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

9:10 — Schoenkopf: Well, that might have been the GREATEST LIVE BLOG EVER! We watched Bill O’Reilly (and on the real we hope he is not, like, waiting on a test from his doctor, because we was being sort of compassionate and gentle…

Not I, said the little red hen. The sooner Brillo Falafel Breitbarts out, the better off this planet will be.

And that's my kinder and gentler loofa massage for teh evening.
~

rickmaci April 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Love the picture of Mittenz you posted with this string. Looks like he was ready to shoot his commercial for a campaign spot for No Equis Not Beer, as "The World's Most Uninteresting Man."

emmelemm April 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

No Equis Near Beer (non-alcoholic).

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 10:09 pm

"Beige treats him with disdain. He once met a tilapia who didn't even realise he was there. Growing grass jokes about watching Romney. He's the least interesting man in the world"

"I don't always drink No Equis (except dressage), but when I do, my friend owns the brewery"

rickmaci April 25, 2012 at 10:51 am

He taught his special brand of charisma to drying paint.

rickmaci April 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm

He once cured a roomful of insomniacs, simply by walking in the room.

emmelemm April 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Absolute perfection. You're good at this!

PS Glad to see you back.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

New York called for Mittens. Better hide those rocks, Callista!

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm

OT: rage-making facts that were just on the TV machine here

Wells Fargo made $49Bn profit last year

They laid off 6400 people

The top five wage earners added 180% to their salaries

JOB CREATION AT WORK, PEOPLES!

chascates April 24, 2012 at 10:24 pm

General Electric, one of the largest corporations in America, filed a whopping 57,000-page federal tax return earlier this year but didn’t pay taxes on $14 billion in profits. The return, which was filed electronically, would have been 19 feet high if printed out and stacked.

Wonkette, Refudiated April 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm

They can't roast and eat Newt today, it's Backwards Day!

chascates April 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Politico:
Rick Santorum flirted with endorsing presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney on Tuesday, stopping just short of an official declaration of support, but praising him for a “good speech” following the former Massachusetts governor’s wins in several primary states.
CNN host Piers Morgan insisted that Santorum had endorsed Romney off-air, but they refused to confirm on-air.
Morgan tweeted that an endorsement was made during a commercial break.
“So @RickSantorum just endorsed Mitt Romney. He admitted he had in the commercial break just now…” wrote Morgan, before telling Santorum that his Twitter feed was filled with people insisting that Santorum had made an endorsement.
Santorum denied that he had made an endorsement.

trampndirtdown April 24, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I still have a big sad that Smegma Lips Rick dropped out before losing by double digits in his home state again.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 10:31 pm

The polls there didn't look that good and it was expected him losing in his state would be the end of him as a public figure. Or a pubic figure.

commiegirl April 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Jesus Christ.

chascates April 24, 2012 at 10:21 pm

ABC:
Earlier today Newt Gingrich suggested he might reassess his campaign depending on the results in Delaware, where both Gingrich and wife Callista have spent a great deal of time campaigning. Tonight, after placing a very distant second — taking 27 percent of the vote to Romney’s 56.6 percent, Gingrich echoed that message.

“Callista and I got into this for our grandchildren,” he said. “I want you to know over the next few days we’re going to look realistically at where we are at. We’re going to be in North Carolina all week. I also want to do that as somebody who is a unifier and somebody who is realistic.”

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Wait, why in the hell are we live-blogging an anticlimactic foregone conclusion? I'd have more fun at a celebrity funeral, I tell you.

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Man, you're going to be no fun during the general.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

I think we're banned from naming whose funeral.

It's the speeches which make me do this nonsense. It's so enraging and sets the stage for the Big Lies coming up in the actual election.

littlebigdaddy April 24, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Everyone has fun at a celebrity funeral! There is lots of free, top-drawer booze, and nobody really liked the deceased anyway.

not that Dewey April 24, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Didn't Ryan O'Neal ogle his own daughter at a celebrity funeral? Who doesn't love that?

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

My apologies if this appeared in one of the 13 blog posts I didn't have time to read today, but Mitten's honey definitely needz a gaffe avoidance coach.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:52 pm

"… [her comment] could lead to a new round of charges that the Romneys don’t understand average Americans."

I, hereby, charge that the Rmoneys don't even understand simple English usage. Not to mention how infuriating it is that Hillary Rosen's gaffe was so obviously unintentional, but she paid and paid, yet Mrs. Lovey Howell should be allowed to get away with this strikingly similar error.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

But we can't say anything about St. Ann Riche. We must forgive her for the overwhelming difficulty she has had to endure in her life. Heroin of the stay-at-home moms — whom we all despise.

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I love that there are little match girls who die on street corners, their cold, wet hands clutching at the now only hallucinatory passersby as the snow drifts around their scrawny bodies covered in only threadbare soaked-through patched felt.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 25, 2012 at 1:53 am

Those may be the lucky ones, compared with those who die from Phossy Jaw

political edit: Israel used White Phosphorous in their invasion of Gaza a couple of years back, despite being banned by the Geneva Convention. As did the US in Fallujah, by most accounts.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2012 at 2:57 am

What's a little Willie Pete among friends? Next you're gonna start whining about how depleted uranium shells make battlefields glow for years after or how Tomahawk bomblets sorta look shiny and cool to ignorant little kids. Didn't you know, a better America's comin'! One where you don't have to apologize for fuck all!

Slim_Pickins April 24, 2012 at 10:42 pm

This up to the minute reporting on O'Reilly's disintegration is still not enough to get me watching FUX vuws. It could be a stroke, or it just may be his contract is up.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Funny you should mention it, but Bill-o and Insannity both signed new contracts today. They will torture us at least until 2016. No one's talking about the money, but it's in the millions per year, needless to say.

So, yes, stroke.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Here's fun! These are Free Republic headlines (headlines!) from tonight. Not even comments:

"Social Security Won't Be There, So Why Not Be Rich? (Occupy freeloaders don't get it)"

"Will Liberal Mitt Romney be Conservative Kind to Supreme Court?"

"Romney Campaign Ambiguously Gay"

"And Remember How The Left Bashed Romney For Only Getting 25% Of The Vote? Not Tonight! [Especially MSNBC and the liberal baffoons on FOX.]"

"It’s Not Just Romney Fans Pushing the False Narrative About Palin’s Vetting"

"Romney judicial record: Liberals running wild"

"Romney Wins GOP Primary Marked by Low Turnout (The RINO Effect)"

This is awesome: they're flipping the fuck out over there. Meltdown-o-rama.

That gives me a nice warm feeling after having to listen to Willard's bullshit.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Fukui,

Turn off your television! For the love of everything good and holy, turn that shit off!

flamingpdog April 24, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Man really wants to win the Nobel Prize for Masochism this year.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 12:50 am

Np, I hear ya.
But considering a few weeks ago our Japanese Samurai was in nuclear meltdown, I'll take this Fukui Prefecture Tsunami in a heartbeat.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 25, 2012 at 1:06 am

Oddly enough, after my major rant-o-rama this evening, Comcast California cut me off from both interwebs and TV for two hours.

True story. It might have saved my sanity.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 1:09 am

Either way, good to have you back forte.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 25, 2012 at 1:12 am

Thanks to both you and everyone else.

It's good to have an angry rant sometimes.

Wifey had an operation today and it went really well, so a good day topped with some cathartic rage at the foolios on television.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 11:16 am

Good to hear!

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:02 am

Holy shit you ladies are makin me LAUGH. Can every post be "Live Blog" or War Blogz or FUCK IT WE'RE DOIN IT LIVE blogs?

glamourdammerung April 25, 2012 at 12:03 am

Anyone else hoping that Mitt's pandering ends up with him attending a NAACP event just to see how fast he tries to affectionately call them his ______?

tessiee April 25, 2012 at 12:57 am

Well, Ross Perot addressed the NAACP as "you people", and that didn't go well.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

Moar "Who let the dogs out", plz.

Designer_Rants April 25, 2012 at 12:07 am

Join us again NEVER. #itwasamistake GOODNIGHT!

Yeah, so I missed it… but those sentences should not be true. I'm all in for playing "hard to get" (at least I was when I was a relentless 20 something with a constant hardon and no Mrs. Rants)… soooo, do I have to get all stalk-y, or can we have another rough-and-impromptu livebloggin' sometime soon (don' have 2 b no spesh ohkashun).

Fare la Volpe April 25, 2012 at 12:18 am

We have Mormon hell here on earth. It's called monogamy.

HEYO!

AddHomonym April 25, 2012 at 12:33 am

Here comes the big stepper
Rom-a-ney
I'm the putative winner
Rom-a-ney
Excuse me mister voter
Rom-a-ney
Still love you like that

Man0nTheStreet April 25, 2012 at 12:42 am

As Gingrich has failed his mission with Earthlings, Callista will seize command and order a return to Planet Transsexual in the Galaxy of Transylvania.

Angry_Marmot April 25, 2012 at 1:09 am

I saw that one on Skinemax. It had an annoying old guy who was supposed to be the comic relief but just kept getting in the way, smirking and mugging for the camera.

AddHomonym April 25, 2012 at 1:09 am

OT, turns out Jon Lovitz is a teabagger. Sad.

Radiotherapy April 25, 2012 at 1:50 am

Meh, he wasn't that funny anyhow. Him and Victoria Jackson could have a little SNL reunion of the wingtards.

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 1:57 am

Don't forget Miller when he's not licking Roger Aisle's taint.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 2:03 am

I gotta stick up for Lovitz a little here…He says he voted for Bammz the first time, but is sick of people talking about raising his taxes. I don't think Jon realizes the combined 50% he pays is a lot higher than what the capital gains crowd is paying.

Gainsbourg69 April 25, 2012 at 2:38 am

Obama talked about fairness and raising taxes on people making more than $250k during the last election. Either Lovitz is being dishonest about voting for Obama or he just woke up from a coma.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 25, 2012 at 4:32 am

But he said he worked so hard and now everyone is trying to take stuff away from him! Unlike the poors who toil in ditches and pay a higher effective tax rate than he and other good folk do. Why can't Obama, son of a single mother who actually earned his way through college with grades, understand the value of hard work? TELLING JOKES IS HARD YOU GUYS.

Seriously, I love the Critic though.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

…he just woke up from a coma.

That'd explain the turn his career took.

BOOM~!

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2012 at 1:55 am

I'm starting to think you're one of those rare WARBLOGGIN' Mormons.

M. Bouffant April 25, 2012 at 1:55 am

"Our grandchildren?" Newt's & Callie's? Not quite, Newtie. Someone else did all the birfin' & stuff.

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2012 at 2:04 am

Maybe Mitt's speeches would sound better if he would actually say something sincere for once in his life.

ElPinche April 25, 2012 at 2:08 am

I much rather watch Barry on Fallon than 1,000 pundits blabbering about Mr. Money Muppet and the Unstoppable Chunk of Fail.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:00 am

Matthew Continetti is fucking one of "Wrong Way" Bill Kristol's offspring? Ewwwwwwww!

Limeylizzie April 25, 2012 at 7:47 am

I think they are married.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:50 am

Oh, well in that case, at least he isn't fucking her.

trampndirtdown April 25, 2012 at 9:14 am

I saw him on Real Time a week or so back, he's got the santorum smug smirk down pat.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 10:45 am

Needz moar bitchslappen!

elgin_pelican April 25, 2012 at 10:38 am

CNN sez Noot will be ending his heretofore successful White House lust frenzy.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

It's still a far piece from the convention, there's still hope!

DahBoner April 25, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Always baste the skin with melted butter first, until the very end, THEN put in the BBQ sauce, to prevent burning…

HuddledMass April 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Oh god — "….dirty needle depository Rhode Island…" made me laugh and laugh. Because I live in Massachusetts and laughing at Rhode Island is what we do.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I think they were drunk.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 10:05 pm

No, no, THAT was SOBER!

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Seemed like it.

Butch_Wagstaff April 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Fired Americans are tired and still fired. When Mitt becomes Mormon Emperor they will continue to be tired and fired.

Biff April 25, 2012 at 11:02 am

That is my one sadness from the night, I missed newt's speech.

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