SexyIs it just us, or is it kind of ick-nast that an Iranian diplomat posted in Brasilia fondled and groped at least four girls between the ages of 9 and 15 in a public swimming pool? It must be just us: The Iranians have called him home, but totes not for the fondling. No, it was because he shouldn’t have been at a mixed-sex swimming pool in the first place, because men can’t control their urges when they see bare ankles and wrists and the next thing you know they are molesting all the prepubescents, that is just SCIENCE, OBVS. Haha Muslins and whatnot, SO FUNNY LOLS!

“People wanted to kill him,” a father of one of the girls told the new website G1.

Brazilian police arrested [Hekmatollah] Ghorbani but he was released under diplomatic immunity. The Iranian embassy in Brasilia defended Ghorbani in a statement calling the incident a “cultural misunderstanding,” a comment which Mehmanparast was asked about Tuesday.

“On principle, we do not accept this person being at a mixed-sex swimming pool, and it is considered a disciplinary violation and therefore he was summoned home at once and we are reviewing his case,” Mehmanparast replied.

Then they complained the incident was being “twisted” because of Americans’ hard-on for war with Iran, which, just maybe don’t employ such rapey diplomats, ALLEGEDLY? But don’t worry, we will not war with you over that, we will be sure to plant some WMDs first, because we learned our lesson from the last time. :(

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  • CrunchyKnee

    Religion is for dopes. Or, something like that.

  • Barb

    Did he come out of the pool with a "waterboard"? Ick!

  • mavenmaven

    In parts of Iran, he can marry them at that age. All of them at the same time.

  • Trannysurprise

    This diplomat should have never invoked his diplomatic immunity. Whatever punishment was coming in Brazil would be better than being beheaded in Iran for sitting in "tainted" water.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Girl Cooties are THE WRATH OF ALLAH , the Just and Merciful!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    May his scrotum be lifted with a rusty treble hook.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "Forgive my sexytime fondling. It was a cultural misunderstanding" — Ambassador Borat

  • Callyson

    Mehmanparast also said the incident was being twisted by some Western and Arab media “for political gain” against Iran.

    Yeah–speaking up against child molestation is a contested political issue upon which left and right cannot agree…

    …Christ, I meant that to be sarcastic, but with today's wingnuts you never know…

    • I understand former Representative Mark Foley is already mounting a young teen task force to investigate Brazilian wading pools for the 2016 RNC convention.

  • widestanceromance

    The law's the law. All of these little ankle-shaking sluts must be put to death for their crimes, otherwise, none of this man's women relatives will be worthy of marriage for 900 years.

    It's the right thing to do. The man's honor is at stake here, people!

    • Man0nTheStreet

      But of course! How can A Godly society carry on, otherwise?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Roman Polanski is a diplomat for Iran?

  • diplomatic immunity

    So lemme see, so far we have "penitent-priest confidentiality," "diplomatic immunity"….am I missing any free passes in the child abuse epidemic?

    Cowardly adults who ought to know better: 8
    Children: 0

    • heathenette

      Don’t forget the sports coaches and the teachers, oh, oh, yeah, and the congress men!!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Perfect way for Obama to guarantee he wins in November. Gather up the raunchiest adult/child porn and drop it all over Iran. The Army and politicians will be so busy masturbating themselves into bloody stumps, they won't even notice when Israel takes out their nukes.

    • Boojum

      Why don't they just masturbate into socks, like everyone else?

      • Sandals.

      • HippieEsq

        they use the Circle Jerk technigue to make the nuclear centrifuge run?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          If they could harness that kind of energy, they wouldn't even need nukes.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm sorry, but you deserve a whole lot more fisting than you are getting for that.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Good think he had diplomatic immunity, because Iran out of excuses," said the consulate spokesman.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Maybe next time those sluts will remember to wear their burkas.

  • edgydrifter

    Yes. It's a cultural thing. We can't judge. Sure.

  • Not_So_Much

    See? Muslim theocracies have tons of things in common with Catholic priests.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • el_donaldo

        Now if only we could get GOP congressmen to adopt similar ridiculous attire to warn small children away.

    • Radiotherapy

      You may be onto something here. Didn't Donahue say yesterday the Caths were going into league with the Muslins against Jon Stewart? Why, yes!

  • Radiotherapy

    I hear he has plans to build a nuclear family.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That diplomat has a lot to learn about the West — here that's not legal unless you start your own religion and your deity tells you it's okay.

  • Hopefully he'll be enjoying a new job as a castrato hitting the high notes. I know, I know, just wishful thinking that.

  • He should change his name to Tehran Jeremy, and come up with a new line of work.

  • SexySmurf

    Iranian…fondled and groped at least four girls between the ages of 9 and 15 in a public swimming pool

    That's actually next week's episode of Shahs of Sunset.

  • So you can marry girls that age but not swim with them?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Before they can do anything, Iran needs to know if any of the girls were menstruating .

  • vodkamuppet

    There is a Brazilian wax joke in here somewhere but ew, I don't want to make it.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      wax on…wax off

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        wax goes on, hair comes off. nobody can explain it.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, especially since it involves Persians. But, I can't quite put my finger on it…

  • iburl

    This is prime evidence why theocracy is evil.
    "The problem is not that I'm a pervert, it's that the society does not adhere to my religion."

    • not enough upfists in teh world.

    • comrad_darkness

      You mean like: Porn should be banned! [Otherwise I would watch it 24/7 and lose my job] — The Southern Baptists

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I'm too sexy for this pool,too sexy for this pool
    My religious brothers all drool
    I'm too sexy for this tub, too sexy for this tub
    Little kids I want to rub

    I'm a diplomat you know what I mean
    I can do what I want 'cuz I'm immune
    Immune yeah, immune yeah
    I can do what I want 'cuz I'm immune

  • gullywompr

    You see what happens when you elect a guy who's middle name is Hussein?

  • dopper0189

    But I my friend the priest said he used to do it all the time….

  • NYNYNYjr

    He was just examining them to see if they would make suitable wives. Imagine going from extreme cover up of Saudi Arabia or Iran to butt-floss-and topless-good-outdoor-wear Brazil. It must give some guys raging misunderstandings.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      …and turgid confusion…

  • "I don't think it's fair to condemn the whole program because of one slip-up."–General Buck Turgidson

    • ttommyunger


  • criminogenic

    I dunno..those kids pictured in the pool look pretty happy aboot it.

  • ph7

    Relax, everyone. In 1895, the age of consent in Delaware was 7.

    The First State, indeed!

    • Steverino247

      Remind me not to allow my granddaughter anywhere near my time machine. Age of consent at seven?!

    • Negropolis

      Ah, sweet Delaware. Too cultured for the South, but to rednecky for the North.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    a religious fanatic and a sex scandal. to paraphrase this country's best secretary of state ever, no one could have imagined it

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I'm sure that Bill Donohue and Pope Ratzi are palm-slapping their foreheads now and thinking "'cultural misunderstanding', damn, think of all of the money on lawyers fees and settlements we could have saved if we had used that excuse."

  • From Foreign Policy's Sex Issue (The skin crawls.):

    In his 1961 religious treatise A Clarification of Questions (Towzih al-Masael), Khomeini issued detailed pronouncements on issues ranging from sodomy ("If a man sodomizes the son, brother, or father of his wife after their marriage, the marriage remains valid") to bestiality ("If a person has intercourse with a cow, a sheep, or a camel, their urine and dung become impure and drinking their milk will be unlawful").

    • Douché

      I guess that kind of makes sense. But you know, ewe!!!! It's pretty baaaaad that they have to clarify that.

    • Boojum

      What if you sodomize the second cousin twice removed of the wife's aunt's dead husband? Not that I need to know or nothin'…..

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Right on! No one wants milk from some slutty cow, sheep or camel!

    • "Imagine you are a young man sleeping in your bedroom. In the bedroom directly below, your aunt lies asleep. Now imagine that an earthquake happens that collapses your floor, causing you to fall directly on top of her. For the sake of argument, let's assume that you're both nude, and you're erect, and you land with such perfect precision on top of her that you unintentionally achieve intercourse. "

      And who hasn't had this happen? I'm sure we can all relate.

    • HarryButtle

      So, if I rape a camel, it's the CAMEL that's impure? What a country!

    • comrad_darkness

      Why does this make me think that men there had a tendency to marry the sister, wife, daughter, mother of the guy they had the hots for?

  • Douché

    I had a subdural Hekmatollah once, but with time they clear up and go away. Because, you know, Americans.

    • Boojum

      We have the best Hekalth care in the WORLD!!!

  • He was just demonstrating proper breast stroke technique.

    • Boojum

      In the Junior Division.

  • Well, he sure doesn't *look* like a pervert.

    • Negropolis

      OMG, he looks like an older and Persianier John Edwards. lol

  • Guppy

    I'm sure he trial married each and every one of his new brides.

  • Beanball

    I want to kill him, and I don't even know the guy.

    • comrad_darkness

      The subtle power of propaganda. [the best propaganda is true. but you don't live in brazil, do you?]

  • HarryButtle

    If that had been MY daughter, I'd have gone all Israeli on his ass. Dude would be BEGGING to be sent back to Iran to have his head cut off.

  • BZ1

    I thought diplomatic immunity was only for parking tickets, go figure …

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, Danny Glover is able to revoke diplomatic immunity. I saw it in a movie.

  • pinkocommi

    This story really makes me want to break the Wonkette/Rebecca prohibition on wishing violence on another person. Pedophiles are an exception, right?

    • comrad_darkness

      Wait, wonkette has the same social mores as a maximum security federal prison?

  • ttommyunger

    This account is giving John Bolton boners on so many levels……

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ghorbani pleaded insanity. "I'm just craaaaazy for the young stuff," he said.

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