BUT IN MY ARMS SHE WAS ALWAYS LOLITA  5:05 pm April 24, 2012

Iranian Diplomat Too Sexy For Pre-Teens He Fondled In Public Pool

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

SexyIs it just us, or is it kind of ick-nast that an Iranian diplomat posted in Brasilia fondled and groped at least four girls between the ages of 9 and 15 in a public swimming pool? It must be just us: The Iranians have called him home, but totes not for the fondling. No, it was because he shouldn’t have been at a mixed-sex swimming pool in the first place, because men can’t control their urges when they see bare ankles and wrists and the next thing you know they are molesting all the prepubescents, that is just SCIENCE, OBVS. Haha Muslins and whatnot, SO FUNNY LOLS!

“People wanted to kill him,” a father of one of the girls told the new website G1.

Brazilian police arrested [Hekmatollah] Ghorbani but he was released under diplomatic immunity. The Iranian embassy in Brasilia defended Ghorbani in a statement calling the incident a “cultural misunderstanding,” a comment which Mehmanparast was asked about Tuesday.

“On principle, we do not accept this person being at a mixed-sex swimming pool, and it is considered a disciplinary violation and therefore he was summoned home at once and we are reviewing his case,” Mehmanparast replied.

Then they complained the incident was being “twisted” because of Americans’ hard-on for war with Iran, which, just maybe don’t employ such rapey diplomats, ALLEGEDLY? But don’t worry, we will not war with you over that, we will be sure to plant some WMDs first, because we learned our lesson from the last time. :(
[TPM]

 

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{ 80 comments }

CrunchyKnee April 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Religion is for dopes. Or, something like that.

Barb April 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Did he come out of the pool with a "waterboard"? Ick!

mavenmaven April 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

In parts of Iran, he can marry them at that age. All of them at the same time.

ph7 April 24, 2012 at 5:55 pm

In 1895, the age of consent in Delaware was 7.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Ahhh, the Good Old Days, in Real America!

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I'm sure he'd performed a quick "Temporary Marriage" with them, from a distance, before he made contact, since not doing that would be wrong

Trannysurprise April 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

This diplomat should have never invoked his diplomatic immunity. Whatever punishment was coming in Brazil would be better than being beheaded in Iran for sitting in "tainted" water.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Girl Cooties are THE WRATH OF ALLAH , the Just and Merciful!

EatsBabyDingos April 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

May his scrotum be lifted with a rusty treble hook.

Generation[redacted] April 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

"Forgive my sexytime fondling. It was a cultural misunderstanding" — Ambassador Borat

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Mehmanparast also said the incident was being twisted by some Western and Arab media “for political gain” against Iran.

Yeah–speaking up against child molestation is a contested political issue upon which left and right cannot agree…

…Christ, I meant that to be sarcastic, but with today's wingnuts you never know…

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I understand former Representative Mark Foley is already mounting a young teen task force to investigate Brazilian wading pools for the 2016 RNC convention.

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm

The law's the law. All of these little ankle-shaking sluts must be put to death for their crimes, otherwise, none of this man's women relatives will be worthy of marriage for 900 years.

It's the right thing to do. The man's honor is at stake here, people!

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:13 pm

But of course! How can A Godly society carry on, otherwise?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Roman Polanski is a diplomat for Iran?

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

diplomatic immunity

So lemme see, so far we have "penitent-priest confidentiality," "diplomatic immunity"….am I missing any free passes in the child abuse epidemic?

Cowardly adults who ought to know better: 8
Children: 0

heathenette April 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Don’t forget the sports coaches and the teachers, oh, oh, yeah, and the congress men!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Perfect way for Obama to guarantee he wins in November. Gather up the raunchiest adult/child porn and drop it all over Iran. The Army and politicians will be so busy masturbating themselves into bloody stumps, they won't even notice when Israel takes out their nukes.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Why don't they just masturbate into socks, like everyone else?

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Sandals.

HippieEsq April 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

they use the Circle Jerk technigue to make the nuclear centrifuge run?

Lascauxcaveman April 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

If they could harness that kind of energy, they wouldn't even need nukes.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I'm sorry, but you deserve a whole lot more fisting than you are getting for that.

BarackMyWorld April 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

"Good think he had diplomatic immunity, because Iran out of excuses," said the consulate spokesman.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Maybe next time those sluts will remember to wear their burkas.

edgydrifter April 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Yes. It's a cultural thing. We can't judge. Sure.

Not_So_Much April 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

See? Muslim theocracies have tons of things in common with Catholic priests.

elviouslyqueer April 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm
el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Now if only we could get GOP congressmen to adopt similar ridiculous attire to warn small children away.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 5:46 pm

You may be onto something here. Didn't Donahue say yesterday the Caths were going into league with the Muslins against Jon Stewart? Why, yes!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I hear he has plans to build a nuclear family.

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

That diplomat has a lot to learn about the West — here that's not legal unless you start your own religion and your deity tells you it's okay.

weejee April 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Hopefully he'll be enjoying a new job as a castrato hitting the high notes. I know, I know, just wishful thinking that.

Sharkey April 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm

He should change his name to Tehran Jeremy, and come up with a new line of work.

SexySmurf April 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Iranian…fondled and groped at least four girls between the ages of 9 and 15 in a public swimming pool

That's actually next week's episode of Shahs of Sunset.

Thedongsofwar April 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

So you can marry girls that age but not swim with them?

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Before they can do anything, Iran needs to know if any of the girls were menstruating .

vodkamuppet April 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

There is a Brazilian wax joke in here somewhere but ew, I don't want to make it.

Dashboard Buddha April 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

wax on…wax off

HobbesEvilTwin April 24, 2012 at 6:01 pm

wax goes on, hair comes off. nobody can explain it.

Negropolis April 25, 2012 at 12:16 am

Yeah, especially since it involves Persians. But, I can't quite put my finger on it…

iburl April 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm

This is prime evidence why theocracy is evil.
"The problem is not that I'm a pervert, it's that the society does not adhere to my religion."

starfanglednut April 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

not enough upfists in teh world.

comrad_darkness April 25, 2012 at 9:10 am

You mean like: Porn should be banned! [Otherwise I would watch it 24/7 and lose my job] — The Southern Baptists

Dashboard Buddha April 24, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I'm too sexy for this pool,too sexy for this pool
My religious brothers all drool
I'm too sexy for this tub, too sexy for this tub
Little kids I want to rub

I'm a diplomat you know what I mean
I can do what I want 'cuz I'm immune
Immune yeah, immune yeah
I can do what I want 'cuz I'm immune

gullywompr April 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

You see what happens when you elect a guy who's middle name is Hussein?

dopper0189 April 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

But I my friend the priest said he used to do it all the time….

NYNYNYjr April 24, 2012 at 5:51 pm

He was just examining them to see if they would make suitable wives. Imagine going from extreme cover up of Saudi Arabia or Iran to butt-floss-and topless-good-outdoor-wear Brazil. It must give some guys raging misunderstandings.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

…and turgid confusion…

imissopus April 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

"I don't think it's fair to condemn the whole program because of one slip-up."–General Buck Turgidson

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:08 am

Classic!

criminogenic April 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I dunno..those kids pictured in the pool look pretty happy aboot it.

ph7 April 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Relax, everyone. In 1895, the age of consent in Delaware was 7.

The First State, indeed!

Steverino247 April 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Remind me not to allow my granddaughter anywhere near my time machine. Age of consent at seven?!

Negropolis April 25, 2012 at 12:17 am

Ah, sweet Delaware. Too cultured for the South, but to rednecky for the North.

HobbesEvilTwin April 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

a religious fanatic and a sex scandal. to paraphrase this country's best secretary of state ever, no one could have imagined it

Wile E. Quixote April 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I'm sure that Bill Donohue and Pope Ratzi are palm-slapping their foreheads now and thinking "'cultural misunderstanding', damn, think of all of the money on lawyers fees and settlements we could have saved if we had used that excuse."

M. Bouffant April 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

From Foreign Policy's Sex Issue (The skin crawls.):

In his 1961 religious treatise A Clarification of Questions (Towzih al-Masael), Khomeini issued detailed pronouncements on issues ranging from sodomy ("If a man sodomizes the son, brother, or father of his wife after their marriage, the marriage remains valid") to bestiality ("If a person has intercourse with a cow, a sheep, or a camel, their urine and dung become impure and drinking their milk will be unlawful").

Douché April 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I guess that kind of makes sense. But you know, ewe!!!! It's pretty baaaaad that they have to clarify that.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

What if you sodomize the second cousin twice removed of the wife's aunt's dead husband? Not that I need to know or nothin'…..

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Right on! No one wants milk from some slutty cow, sheep or camel!

starfanglednut April 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

"Imagine you are a young man sleeping in your bedroom. In the bedroom directly below, your aunt lies asleep. Now imagine that an earthquake happens that collapses your floor, causing you to fall directly on top of her. For the sake of argument, let's assume that you're both nude, and you're erect, and you land with such perfect precision on top of her that you unintentionally achieve intercourse. "

And who hasn't had this happen? I'm sure we can all relate.

HarryButtle April 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

So, if I rape a camel, it's the CAMEL that's impure? What a country!

comrad_darkness April 25, 2012 at 9:15 am

Why does this make me think that men there had a tendency to marry the sister, wife, daughter, mother of the guy they had the hots for?

Douché April 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I had a subdural Hekmatollah once, but with time they clear up and go away. Because, you know, Americans.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 7:15 pm

We have the best Hekalth care in the WORLD!!!

mrblifil April 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

He was just demonstrating proper breast stroke technique.

Boojum April 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

In the Junior Division.

starfanglednut April 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Well, he sure doesn't *look* like a pervert.
http://www.sidneyrezende.com/noticia/168472+suspe

Negropolis April 25, 2012 at 12:18 am

OMG, he looks like an older and Persianier John Edwards. lol

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I'm sure he trial married each and every one of his new brides.

Beanball April 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I want to kill him, and I don't even know the guy.

comrad_darkness April 25, 2012 at 9:16 am

The subtle power of propaganda. [the best propaganda is true. but you don't live in brazil, do you?]

HarryButtle April 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm

If that had been MY daughter, I'd have gone all Israeli on his ass. Dude would be BEGGING to be sent back to Iran to have his head cut off.

BZ1 April 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I thought diplomatic immunity was only for parking tickets, go figure …

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 8:34 am

Well, Danny Glover is able to revoke diplomatic immunity. I saw it in a movie.

pinkocommi April 25, 2012 at 1:21 am

This story really makes me want to break the Wonkette/Rebecca prohibition on wishing violence on another person. Pedophiles are an exception, right?

comrad_darkness April 25, 2012 at 9:17 am

Wait, wonkette has the same social mores as a maximum security federal prison?

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:09 am

This account is giving John Bolton boners on so many levels……

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2012 at 8:37 am

Ghorbani pleaded insanity. "I'm just craaaaazy for the young stuff," he said.

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