QUITTERS  4:15 pm April 24, 2012

Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor

by Jim Newell

End of the Newt CenturyNewt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren’t we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight. Weak, Newt. The Newt of ’78-’94 wouldn’t have caved like this. That Newt would’ve castrated Mitt Romney with a T-Rex skull, on pay-per-view. And then he would’ve gotten thrown out of the speakership, but still… would’ve been awesome.

Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight. Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out. But sure, hinge it on a close Delaware primary that Romney doesn’t care about at all if that helps you save face. Knowing Newt, though, “depending on his finish in Delaware” probably means he’ll drop out if he wins and keep going if he loses.

[Reuters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 101 comments }

Barb April 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Maybe you and Calista can get jobs as school janitors to pay off your campaign debt.

HippieEsq April 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

that was supposed to be work-study for high school students. By analogy, then, Newt and Calista should be janitors for….the local Tiffany?

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

This is bad news for Tiffany's.

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Aaaand those schools will be condemned for unsanitary conditions in 3…2…1…

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I hear Wal-Mart is looking for baggers.

Tundra Grifter April 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I'd say Calista is definately a two-bagger.

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Plastic AND paper, please.

Jus_Wonderin April 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Burlap, even.

heathenette April 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Newt’s a double bagger-or just a BIG costco size cart.

grandinquisitor April 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Silly Wonketeers! Honest work is for the Browns.

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight.

What, no love for the Keystone State, which is also having a primary tonight?

Then again, Pennsylvanians are better off being ignored by the Newt…

Maman April 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Why do I get the feeling he has a "On to North Carolina" speech planned for tonight?

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Because you saw a sneak preview of his stars'n'bars prom dress?

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Maybe he's found some compromising pictures of Mitt and plans on becoming the power behind the throne. Like Cheney.

johnnymeatworth April 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Maybe he can get a gig posing in the elephant costume at the convention for $5 an hour plus lunch.

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

The future of his campaign will hinge on whether or not he can successfully drive through Delaware by forcing the people in the tollbooths to accept his bad checks.

weejee April 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware

It's really because Xtine O'Donnell has the inside track to be Mrs. Neuter IV.

Tundra Grifter April 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I thought Jonathan Moseley was the skateboard dude. Or is it snowboard? There are 'way too many sports these days.

edgydrifter April 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Newt puts the ass in reassessing.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

He also likes to re-ass frequently.

Barb April 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Goodbye to Mr & Mrs Gingrich, aka "Newtie and the Blowfish"

Jus_Wonderin April 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Their music was soooo 1990's.

elviouslyqueer April 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Last week's campaign finance filings with the Federal Election Commission showed $4.3 million in debt.

Behold your new face of poverty, America.

GOPCrusher April 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Certainly, this is the kind of fiscal responsibility America needs at this time of crisis.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Is this the first time the Delaware primary has ever been treated as significant by anybody?

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You mean besides Biden?

emmelemm April 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Delaware Libel!

Seriously, we must have a few Wonketteers from DE. You've hurt their fee-fees.

Pres.Beeblebrox April 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm

This DE Wonketteer thinks the whole "Neut's Delaware Firewall" thing is fucking hilarious. Usually our primaries don't mean shit, except of course when Biden* is running for Preznit.

*EDIT: Or Pete "Chemicals 'n' Credit Cards" du Pont

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Having more corporate headquarters than constituents, Delaware is the only primary that matters in a GOP election.

subsum April 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I say he's looking into dumping Calista for Christine O'Donnell; hence Delaware. Otherwise, WTF?

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Who will rid us of this troublesome beast?

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I know a really irritated unicorn

Barb April 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I like Delaware, the LLCs are just the right height. ~Mitt Romney

Wile E. Quixote April 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Delaware corporations are people too my friend.

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

With very limited liability and no state income tax to speak of.

thefrontpage April 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

GINGRICH FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2012
GINGRICH LEAVES CAMPAIGN TO FORM NEW POLITICAL ORGANIZATION WITH TED NUGENT, ORLY TAITZ AND PAULA DEEN

April 24, 2012 (Washington, D.C.)–Newt Gingrich formally announced today, Tuesday, April 24, 2012, that he is leaving the 2012 presidential campaign to form a new not-for-profit political consulting organization with Ted Nugent, Orly Taitz and Paula Deen. The new organization, In a New Search for America for a New Era (INSANE), promises to be one of the greatest political consulting organizations of all time, covering politics, government, law, crossbow hunting and food. "I'm excited about this new group, INSANE," said Nugent. "INSANE stands for what I am."

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Stop the insanity!

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Guess he's going to see how many $50 pictures of himself he can sell in Delaware before he makes a decision.

Pragmatist2 April 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Nero and Caligula.Somehow that seems right.

HobbesEvilTwin April 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

If god really does love America, this should be the last that we ever hear from that douchebag.

Geminisunmars April 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

That is not hard to pray to.

GOPCrusher April 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Doesn't he have a life time gig with Meet The Press?

bagofmice April 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

You're thinking of McCain.

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

& Liebermann. & HAMBISCUITS. & John Bolton. & Dick &/or Liz Cheney.

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

AHAHAHA!! Oh, Hobbsey, you crack me up!

Barb April 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Don't worry, Cally. This frees you up for your thrice-weekly anal bleaching appointments.

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Now her complexion makes sense: she's all asshole!

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight."

Let me help out here. Newt, Mitt has two possible jobs for you in his admistration: Secretary of Expensive Trophy Wives, and Piss-Boy.

Eve8Apples April 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

But what about the moon colony? I've stockpiled cases of aluminum foil, cans of hobo beans, bottles of gin, boxes of condoms and ten thousand yards of duct tape in preparation for my trip to the moon colony. And now Newt is dropping out? You worthless bastard!

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Hey, everyone! Party at Eve's tonight!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Well, that depends on the brand of gin.

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Dude, really? Free gin and condoms!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Aight, I'll bring plenty of martini olives and ice.

bagofmice April 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

First one taped to the wall gets a free sodomy!

EtchySketchy April 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Keep fucking that penguin, Newt!

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That's no way to talk 'bout Callista. She's a more of a Secretary Bird.

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

And then there was one

And Ron Paul

RON PAUL

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 6:58 pm

And Ron Paul stayed flat.

coolhandnuke April 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

In a related piece, Romney is still assessing and reassessing on whether to call them Delawarians or Delawarites.

Geminisunmars April 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Delatards, if they vote for either of them

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

It's Delaware. Call them DuPonts. You're probably not far from the truth anyway

CapnFatback April 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Delawarians? What are they, nuts?

coolhandnuke April 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I did poach from the Ignatowski cupboard.
My favorite Rev. Jim episode–Drivers License Exam..".What does a yellow light mean?"

elgin_pelican April 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

Call 'em Blue Hens. Or better yet, Penguins. That'lll scare off Noot and his upholstered bobblehead sidekick.

ManchuCandidate April 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Nah nah nah nah nah nah hey hey goodbye Moon Newt.

redarmyzombie April 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

You know, those double-toilet hotel rooms must have taken a toll on his campaign budget…

littlebigdaddy April 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

He's counting on the crucial teabagger-Wiccan bloc in Delaware.

FlownOver April 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"That's no cigar!"

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out.

No no, Jim! You're missing an important point here!

If he captures Delaware, he can take the Delmarva peninsula!

And then launch his amphibious attack on the Sudetenland!

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 7:00 pm

And then he gets two free armies per turn?

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

For Newt, this campaign has been like a game of musical chairs — whichever intern he's banging when the music stops is the one he's stuck with. So he's gonna assess whether the chick in question is hot enough or if he should take his chances for another couple weeks in the hopes that he can do better.

OneYieldRegular April 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I guess when you're trailing even Marine Le Pen in the U.S. polls…

FlownOver April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And the HyperboleMeter™ drops back down to its normal ten-of-ten level.

Tundra Grifter April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The voters stuck a fork in Ole Newt months ago.

Chubby bastard just couldn't feel it, so he doesn't know he's done.

randcoolcatdaddy April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight."

What's the problem? Has the campaign trail been that tough on Calistra that she needs a new paint job already?

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Well, there were concerns about corrosion from the rock salt during the New Hampshire primary, or so I was told

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Newt, bubba, think 'consultant'. No, don't thank me.

Plans for asteroid mining emerge

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-178

MissTaken April 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Callista was found consoling herself with the Spring/Summer 2012 Tiffany catalog.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Who are they going to grift from to buy her whore diamonds and plastic surgeries now?

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

You misunderstand. The Tiffany catalog was rolled into a cylinder and…
*clunk!*
*anvil falls out of sky*

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Does this mean the dead boy has been found?

spends2much April 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

On the plus side, losing to a Spineless Millionaire Haircut must really rankle that Power-Mad Egomaniacal Cheque-Kiting Food Addict.

Jus_Wonderin April 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Are we going to have the same issue with Newt that we have had with fuckin' Sarah FOREVER??? Go the fuck away Newt. You lost.

Wonkette, Refudiated April 24, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Newt never once declared himself "Emperor" Wonkette. You are all retarted.

greenide1 April 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Who refarted?

chascates April 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Oh, he can't quit now. A walk-back, from ABC:
If Gingrich does poorly in Delaware, his campaign spokesman R.C. Hammond told Yahoo News, the former House speaker plans to "reassess with supporters" but won't immediately suspend his campaign.

In that scenario, "Gingrich will keep his campaign schedule in North Carolina but reassess with supporters whether or not there is a path forward," Hammond said in an email.

If, however, Mitt Romney scores a "razor thin win" in Delaware, a "conservative coalition" could form around Gingrich, Hammond said.

And if Gingrich wins, the campaign will press forward, full speed ahead.

GOPCrusher April 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Once again, Nancy Pelosi called it. Unless Mitt names Gingrich his VP candidate, they win, and Gingrich has Rmoney whacked.

greenide1 April 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Pleeeeaaazzzzzeee, Delaware, vote for the Newt. If he slinks back into his hole, depriving us of his snarky sliminess, the next six months will be pure torture.

Generation[redacted] April 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Don't quit now, Newt! You're so close!

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

He has never heard those words in real life.

mavenmaven April 24, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I'm holding my breath in nervous anticipation until tomorrow, I can't imagine what the ultimate decision will be!

Thedongsofwar April 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

If you love Delaware so much, why don't you marry it?

Generation[redacted] April 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Your mom goes to Deleware.

Troglodeity April 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Newt' solemnly promised us he'd be in Tampa for better or worse. But then his campaign got sick, boring and unattractive.

BZ1 April 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

will “reassess his candidacy", sure, like he hasn't been reassessing his candidacy since 2008?

valthemus April 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Remind me… how many millions of dollars did that rich a-hole and his family flush down the toilet trying to get Newt elected?

At least they stimulated the economy a little. Which I guess helps Obama more than the Republicans.

Tee hee.

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:14 am

…did not know there were Windmills in Delaware.

DahBoner April 25, 2012 at 3:41 pm

America needs to sue his ass, re: broken Contract with…

Barb April 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Hi Sweetie, good to see you. I've been thinking about you and hope you are okay.

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Yes, an eye exfoliant would come in very handy!

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I like those little olives where, instead of a pimento in the middle, they have a sliver of almond.

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