quitters

Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor

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End of the Newt CenturyNewt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren’t we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight. Weak, Newt. The Newt of ’78-’94 wouldn’t have caved like this. That Newt would’ve castrated Mitt Romney with a T-Rex skull, on pay-per-view. And then he would’ve gotten thrown out of the speakership, but still… would’ve been awesome.

Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight. Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out. But sure, hinge it on a close Delaware primary that Romney doesn’t care about at all if that helps you save face. Knowing Newt, though, “depending on his finish in Delaware” probably means he’ll drop out if he wins and keep going if he loses.

[Reuters]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Maybe you and Calista can get jobs as school janitors to pay off your campaign debt.

    • HippieEsq

      that was supposed to be work-study for high school students. By analogy, then, Newt and Calista should be janitors for….the local Tiffany?

    • redarmyzombie

      This is bad news for Tiffany's.

    • Callyson

      Aaaand those schools will be condemned for unsanitary conditions in 3…2…1…

    • Radiotherapy

      I hear Wal-Mart is looking for baggers.

      • Tundra Grifter

        I'd say Calista is definately a two-bagger.

        • widestanceromance

          Plastic AND paper, please.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Burlap, even.

          • widestanceromance

            Yes, an eye exfoliant would come in very handy!

        • heathenette

          Newt’s a double bagger-or just a BIG costco size cart.

    • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

      Silly Wonketeers! Honest work is for the Browns.

  • Callyson

    Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight.

    What, no love for the Keystone State, which is also having a primary tonight?

    Then again, Pennsylvanians are better off being ignored by the Newt…

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Why do I get the feeling he has a "On to North Carolina" speech planned for tonight?

    • tessiee

      Because you saw a sneak preview of his stars'n'bars prom dress?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he's found some compromising pictures of Mitt and plans on becoming the power behind the throne. Like Cheney.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Maybe he can get a gig posing in the elephant costume at the convention for $5 an hour plus lunch.

  • el_donaldo

    The future of his campaign will hinge on whether or not he can successfully drive through Delaware by forcing the people in the tollbooths to accept his bad checks.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware

    It's really because Xtine O'Donnell has the inside track to be Mrs. Neuter IV.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I thought Jonathan Moseley was the skateboard dude. Or is it snowboard? There are 'way too many sports these days.

  • edgydrifter

    Newt puts the ass in reassessing.

    • Radiotherapy

      He also likes to re-ass frequently.

  • Barb

    Goodbye to Mr & Mrs Gingrich, aka "Newtie and the Blowfish"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Their music was soooo 1990's.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Last week's campaign finance filings with the Federal Election Commission showed $4.3 million in debt.

    Behold your new face of poverty, America.

    • GOPCrusher

      Certainly, this is the kind of fiscal responsibility America needs at this time of crisis.

  • SorosBot

    Is this the first time the Delaware primary has ever been treated as significant by anybody?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You mean besides Biden?

    • emmelemm

      Delaware Libel!

      Seriously, we must have a few Wonketteers from DE. You've hurt their fee-fees.

      • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

        This DE Wonketteer thinks the whole "Neut's Delaware Firewall" thing is fucking hilarious. Usually our primaries don't mean shit, except of course when Biden* is running for Preznit.

        *EDIT: Or Pete "Chemicals 'n' Credit Cards" du Pont

    • Guppy

      Having more corporate headquarters than constituents, Delaware is the only primary that matters in a GOP election.

  • subsum

    I say he's looking into dumping Calista for Christine O'Donnell; hence Delaware. Otherwise, WTF?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Who will rid us of this troublesome beast?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I know a really irritated unicorn

  • Barb

    I like Delaware, the LLCs are just the right height. ~Mitt Romney

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Delaware corporations are people too my friend.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        With very limited liability and no state income tax to speak of.

  • thefrontpage

    GINGRICH FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN
    OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2012
    GINGRICH LEAVES CAMPAIGN TO FORM NEW POLITICAL ORGANIZATION WITH TED NUGENT, ORLY TAITZ AND PAULA DEEN

    April 24, 2012 (Washington, D.C.)–Newt Gingrich formally announced today, Tuesday, April 24, 2012, that he is leaving the 2012 presidential campaign to form a new not-for-profit political consulting organization with Ted Nugent, Orly Taitz and Paula Deen. The new organization, In a New Search for America for a New Era (INSANE), promises to be one of the greatest political consulting organizations of all time, covering politics, government, law, crossbow hunting and food. "I'm excited about this new group, INSANE," said Nugent. "INSANE stands for what I am."

    • Callyson

      Stop the insanity!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess he's going to see how many $50 pictures of himself he can sell in Delaware before he makes a decision.

  • Pragmatist2

    Nero and Caligula.Somehow that seems right.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    If god really does love America, this should be the last that we ever hear from that douchebag.

    • Geminisunmars

      That is not hard to pray to.

    • GOPCrusher

      Doesn't he have a life time gig with Meet The Press?

      • bagofmice

        You're thinking of McCain.

        • horsedreamer_1

          & Liebermann. & HAMBISCUITS. & John Bolton. & Dick &/or Liz Cheney.

    • tessiee

      AHAHAHA!! Oh, Hobbsey, you crack me up!

  • Barb

    Don't worry, Cally. This frees you up for your thrice-weekly anal bleaching appointments.

    • Guppy

      Now her complexion makes sense: she's all asshole!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight."

    Let me help out here. Newt, Mitt has two possible jobs for you in his admistration: Secretary of Expensive Trophy Wives, and Piss-Boy.

  • Eve8Apples

    But what about the moon colony? I've stockpiled cases of aluminum foil, cans of hobo beans, bottles of gin, boxes of condoms and ten thousand yards of duct tape in preparation for my trip to the moon colony. And now Newt is dropping out? You worthless bastard!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey, everyone! Party at Eve's tonight!

      • Radiotherapy

        Well, that depends on the brand of gin.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Dude, really? Free gin and condoms!

          • Radiotherapy

            Aight, I'll bring plenty of martini olives and ice.

          • tessiee

            I like those little olives where, instead of a pimento in the middle, they have a sliver of almond.

      • bagofmice

        First one taped to the wall gets a free sodomy!

  • EtchySketchy

    Keep fucking that penguin, Newt!

    • Radiotherapy

      That's no way to talk 'bout Callista. She's a more of a Secretary Bird.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    And then there was one

    And Ron Paul

    RON PAUL

    • Guppy

      And Ron Paul stayed flat.

  • coolhandnuke

    In a related piece, Romney is still assessing and reassessing on whether to call them Delawarians or Delawarites.

    • Geminisunmars

      Delatards, if they vote for either of them

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's Delaware. Call them DuPonts. You're probably not far from the truth anyway

    • CapnFatback

      Delawarians? What are they, nuts?

      • coolhandnuke

        I did poach from the Ignatowski cupboard.
        My favorite Rev. Jim episode–Drivers License Exam..".What does a yellow light mean?"

    • elgin_pelican

      Call 'em Blue Hens. Or better yet, Penguins. That'lll scare off Noot and his upholstered bobblehead sidekick.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Nah nah nah nah nah nah hey hey goodbye Moon Newt.

  • redarmyzombie

    You know, those double-toilet hotel rooms must have taken a toll on his campaign budget…

  • littlebigdaddy

    He's counting on the crucial teabagger-Wiccan bloc in Delaware.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    "That's no cigar!"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out.

    No no, Jim! You're missing an important point here!

    If he captures Delaware, he can take the Delmarva peninsula!

    And then launch his amphibious attack on the Sudetenland!

    • Guppy

      And then he gets two free armies per turn?

  • SayItWithWookies

    For Newt, this campaign has been like a game of musical chairs — whichever intern he's banging when the music stops is the one he's stuck with. So he's gonna assess whether the chick in question is hot enough or if he should take his chances for another couple weeks in the hopes that he can do better.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I guess when you're trailing even Marine Le Pen in the U.S. polls…

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    And the HyperboleMeter™ drops back down to its normal ten-of-ten level.

  • Tundra Grifter

    The voters stuck a fork in Ole Newt months ago.

    Chubby bastard just couldn't feel it, so he doesn't know he's done.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight."

    What's the problem? Has the campaign trail been that tough on Calistra that she needs a new paint job already?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, there were concerns about corrosion from the rock salt during the New Hampshire primary, or so I was told

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Newt, bubba, think 'consultant'. No, don't thank me.

    Plans for asteroid mining emerge

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-178

  • MissTaken

    Callista was found consoling herself with the Spring/Summer 2012 Tiffany catalog.

    • SorosBot

      Who are they going to grift from to buy her whore diamonds and plastic surgeries now?

      • tessiee

        You misunderstand. The Tiffany catalog was rolled into a cylinder and…
        *clunk!*
        *anvil falls out of sky*

  • widestanceromance

    Does this mean the dead boy has been found?

  • spends2much

    On the plus side, losing to a Spineless Millionaire Haircut must really rankle that Power-Mad Egomaniacal Cheque-Kiting Food Addict.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Are we going to have the same issue with Newt that we have had with fuckin' Sarah FOREVER??? Go the fuck away Newt. You lost.

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Wonkette, Refudiated

    Newt never once declared himself "Emperor" Wonkette. You are all retarted.

    • greenide1

      Who refarted?

  • chascates

    Oh, he can't quit now. A walk-back, from ABC:
    If Gingrich does poorly in Delaware, his campaign spokesman R.C. Hammond told Yahoo News, the former House speaker plans to "reassess with supporters" but won't immediately suspend his campaign.

    In that scenario, "Gingrich will keep his campaign schedule in North Carolina but reassess with supporters whether or not there is a path forward," Hammond said in an email.

    If, however, Mitt Romney scores a "razor thin win" in Delaware, a "conservative coalition" could form around Gingrich, Hammond said.

    And if Gingrich wins, the campaign will press forward, full speed ahead.

  • GOPCrusher

    Once again, Nancy Pelosi called it. Unless Mitt names Gingrich his VP candidate, they win, and Gingrich has Rmoney whacked.

  • greenide1

    Pleeeeaaazzzzzeee, Delaware, vote for the Newt. If he slinks back into his hole, depriving us of his snarky sliminess, the next six months will be pure torture.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Don't quit now, Newt! You're so close!

    • tessiee

      He has never heard those words in real life.

  • mavenmaven

    I'm holding my breath in nervous anticipation until tomorrow, I can't imagine what the ultimate decision will be!

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    If you love Delaware so much, why don't you marry it?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Your mom goes to Deleware.

  • Troglodeity

    Newt' solemnly promised us he'd be in Tampa for better or worse. But then his campaign got sick, boring and unattractive.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    will “reassess his candidacy", sure, like he hasn't been reassessing his candidacy since 2008?

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Remind me… how many millions of dollars did that rich a-hole and his family flush down the toilet trying to get Newt elected?

    At least they stimulated the economy a little. Which I guess helps Obama more than the Republicans.

    Tee hee.

  • ttommyunger

    …did not know there were Windmills in Delaware.

  • DahBoner

    America needs to sue his ass, re: broken Contract with…

  • Barb

    Hi Sweetie, good to see you. I've been thinking about you and hope you are okay.