Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor

End of the Newt CenturyNewt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren’t we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight. Weak, Newt. The Newt of ’78-’94 wouldn’t have caved like this. That Newt would’ve castrated Mitt Romney with a T-Rex skull, on pay-per-view. And then he would’ve gotten thrown out of the speakership, but still… would’ve been awesome.

Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight. Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out. But sure, hinge it on a close Delaware primary that Romney doesn’t care about at all if that helps you save face. Knowing Newt, though, “depending on his finish in Delaware” probably means he’ll drop out if he wins and keep going if he loses.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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    1. HippieEsq

      that was supposed to be work-study for high school students. By analogy, then, Newt and Calista should be janitors for….the local Tiffany?

  1. Callyson

    Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight.

    What, no love for the Keystone State, which is also having a primary tonight?

    Then again, Pennsylvanians are better off being ignored by the Newt…

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he's found some compromising pictures of Mitt and plans on becoming the power behind the throne. Like Cheney.

  3. johnnymeatworth

    Maybe he can get a gig posing in the elephant costume at the convention for $5 an hour plus lunch.

  4. el_donaldo

    The future of his campaign will hinge on whether or not he can successfully drive through Delaware by forcing the people in the tollbooths to accept his bad checks.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I thought Jonathan Moseley was the skateboard dude. Or is it snowboard? There are 'way too many sports these days.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Certainly, this is the kind of fiscal responsibility America needs at this time of crisis.

  5. SorosBot

    Is this the first time the Delaware primary has ever been treated as significant by anybody?

    1. emmelemm

      Delaware Libel!

      Seriously, we must have a few Wonketteers from DE. You've hurt their fee-fees.

      1. Pres.Beeblebrox

        This DE Wonketteer thinks the whole "Neut's Delaware Firewall" thing is fucking hilarious. Usually our primaries don't mean shit, except of course when Biden* is running for Preznit.

        *EDIT: Or Pete "Chemicals 'n' Credit Cards" du Pont

    2. Guppy

      Having more corporate headquarters than constituents, Delaware is the only primary that matters in a GOP election.

  6. subsum

    I say he's looking into dumping Calista for Christine O'Donnell; hence Delaware. Otherwise, WTF?

  7. thefrontpage


    April 24, 2012 (Washington, D.C.)–Newt Gingrich formally announced today, Tuesday, April 24, 2012, that he is leaving the 2012 presidential campaign to form a new not-for-profit political consulting organization with Ted Nugent, Orly Taitz and Paula Deen. The new organization, In a New Search for America for a New Era (INSANE), promises to be one of the greatest political consulting organizations of all time, covering politics, government, law, crossbow hunting and food. "I'm excited about this new group, INSANE," said Nugent. "INSANE stands for what I am."

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess he's going to see how many $50 pictures of himself he can sell in Delaware before he makes a decision.

  9. HobbesEvilTwin

    If god really does love America, this should be the last that we ever hear from that douchebag.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight."

    Let me help out here. Newt, Mitt has two possible jobs for you in his admistration: Secretary of Expensive Trophy Wives, and Piss-Boy.

  11. Eve8Apples

    But what about the moon colony? I've stockpiled cases of aluminum foil, cans of hobo beans, bottles of gin, boxes of condoms and ten thousand yards of duct tape in preparation for my trip to the moon colony. And now Newt is dropping out? You worthless bastard!

          1. tessiee

            I like those little olives where, instead of a pimento in the middle, they have a sliver of almond.

  12. coolhandnuke

    In a related piece, Romney is still assessing and reassessing on whether to call them Delawarians or Delawarites.

      1. coolhandnuke

        I did poach from the Ignatowski cupboard.
        My favorite Rev. Jim episode–Drivers License Exam..".What does a yellow light mean?"

    1. elgin_pelican

      Call 'em Blue Hens. Or better yet, Penguins. That'lll scare off Noot and his upholstered bobblehead sidekick.

  13. redarmyzombie

    You know, those double-toilet hotel rooms must have taken a toll on his campaign budget…

  14. actor212

    Yeah, as ol’ Lee Atwater maybe used to say, never drop out of a late-game national primary season until you’ve seen where Delaware lands, because it’s sort of a kingmaker — assuming more than zero people turn out.

    No no, Jim! You're missing an important point here!

    If he captures Delaware, he can take the Delmarva peninsula!

    And then launch his amphibious attack on the Sudetenland!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    For Newt, this campaign has been like a game of musical chairs — whichever intern he's banging when the music stops is the one he's stuck with. So he's gonna assess whether the chick in question is hot enough or if he should take his chances for another couple weeks in the hopes that he can do better.

  16. Tundra Grifter

    The voters stuck a fork in Ole Newt months ago.

    Chubby bastard just couldn't feel it, so he doesn't know he's done.

  17. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Newt, according to NBC News, will “reassess his candidacy depending on his finish in Delaware” tonight."

    What's the problem? Has the campaign trail been that tough on Calistra that she needs a new paint job already?

      1. tessiee

        You misunderstand. The Tiffany catalog was rolled into a cylinder and…
        *anvil falls out of sky*

  18. spends2much

    On the plus side, losing to a Spineless Millionaire Haircut must really rankle that Power-Mad Egomaniacal Cheque-Kiting Food Addict.

  19. Jus_Wonderin

    Are we going to have the same issue with Newt that we have had with fuckin' Sarah FOREVER??? Go the fuck away Newt. You lost.

  20. chascates

    Oh, he can't quit now. A walk-back, from ABC:
    If Gingrich does poorly in Delaware, his campaign spokesman R.C. Hammond told Yahoo News, the former House speaker plans to "reassess with supporters" but won't immediately suspend his campaign.

    In that scenario, "Gingrich will keep his campaign schedule in North Carolina but reassess with supporters whether or not there is a path forward," Hammond said in an email.

    If, however, Mitt Romney scores a "razor thin win" in Delaware, a "conservative coalition" could form around Gingrich, Hammond said.

    And if Gingrich wins, the campaign will press forward, full speed ahead.

  21. GOPCrusher

    Once again, Nancy Pelosi called it. Unless Mitt names Gingrich his VP candidate, they win, and Gingrich has Rmoney whacked.

  22. greenide1

    Pleeeeaaazzzzzeee, Delaware, vote for the Newt. If he slinks back into his hole, depriving us of his snarky sliminess, the next six months will be pure torture.

  23. mavenmaven

    I'm holding my breath in nervous anticipation until tomorrow, I can't imagine what the ultimate decision will be!

  24. Troglodeity

    Newt' solemnly promised us he'd be in Tampa for better or worse. But then his campaign got sick, boring and unattractive.

  25. valthemus

    Remind me… how many millions of dollars did that rich a-hole and his family flush down the toilet trying to get Newt elected?

    At least they stimulated the economy a little. Which I guess helps Obama more than the Republicans.

    Tee hee.

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