grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

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THE REAL GRASSLEYOh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is.

But Chuck’s speculation isn’t all that terrible. He’s in good company — this COLOMBIAN LADIES WERE RUSSIAN SPIES MAYBE HMM? theory is the first thing we hear whenever we have the misfortune of seeing any cable news segment about the scandal. (THERE ARE SO MANY PROSTITUTES HERE, WOLF is the second thing.)

But perhaps! There was that Russian lady a couple of years ago, after all, who hot and a spy. But most Russian spies probably wouldn’t care enough to insist on getting paid their few hundred bucks and risk launching an international sex scandal.

[The Hill, image via DU]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • Tundra Grifter

    Is Anna Chapman still on LinkedIn? I'd like to Link Up.

    • iburl

      That's a great booty call site.

  • James Michael Curley

    They should ban electricity if it will shut this idiot up.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Everyone know all the good Russian Spies/Prostitutes hang out in Louisiana.

  • freakishlywrong

    UR IDIOT. StAY AAway. PLS SHTTUP. I AM HAMmer. #fuckingworthlesswingnuts.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Is there anything better at taking the erotic edge off of a sex scandal than Chuck Grassley. Can't wait for his tweets.

  • SorosBot

    These guys really want their cold war back; Gorbachev ending it was the worst thing to ever happen to them.

    • hagajim

      Maybe, but they keep finding ways to scare the bejeezus out of those dumb enough to vote based on fear.

    • MissTaken

      Second worst thing to ever happen to them: Twitter.

      • SorosBot

        HWat R u sayying abouot GrASSley?

    • freakishlywrong

      That or "Dubya finally bringing OBL to justice". They used that for color coated candy fear for years. Assholes.

      • SorosBot

        But the terrorist Muslim fear didn't last long enough for them to take advantage of post-2004. Still they did a good job of it with the time they did have, getting two wars, hundreds of thousands of dead people, and a giant debt they now are blaming Obama for. They must have been really sad when Barack actually got the guy; he's much better for them as a free bogeyman.

    • Callyson

      Considering that they love to go on about how Saint Ronnie was the one who ended it (I know, but they really seem to believe that), I am baffled as to why they want Cold War II now…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Have you forgotten that there are like 80 or 90 card carrying commies in the House alone? Gorbachev was just a false front, so that we would stop being vigilant. Get me a chalk board, and I"ll explain the whole thing to you.

    • Radiotherapy

      Exactly, SB, they seemed to be bored with the whole "islamic radicals who use terrorism as a tactic" thing. Too many old James Bond movies or something.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What makes Grassley think they're not Hezbollah spies instead? Or spies for the Mole People? One should never quickly discount the Mole People.

    • Mumbletypeg

      "In archaeology science fiction, all things are possible." ~

  • Buzz Feedback

    "Bitch set me up."

  • hagajim

    Chucks next tweet. Whrs R russki mole; SS is faling US

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Gee, I'd like to help, but I don't remember that specific occasion.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Grassley's so fucking negative.

  • Callyson

    “We’re looking at something that is very, very serious when national security might not be protected properly,” Grassley told Radio Iowa on Tuesday. “Who knows who might be using prostitutes? The Russians are famous for that to get information out of us. You want to know that the president is protected.”
    “I don’t have that information yet and that’s what needs to be made public and we need to know whether or not there is other people involved that maybe we haven’t even thought of, and how far outside of this small group of people this investigation entailed," Grassley said on Fox News Channel's America's Newsroom.

    So, the esteemed Senator admits he has no idea what he is talking about, but nevertheless expects to be taken seriously. Um, OK, if you say so…

  • Man0nTheStreet

    Grandpa Corn-pants is just trying to figure out how much Colombian hookers will charge him for a "Dubuque Steamer".

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    The Soviet-era nostalgia of these old farts is getting out of hand. Romney's the same way, keeps talking about "the free world" as though there is some other world that isn't free. Or as if our world, with robot drones killing anyone anywhere on the president's say-so—or perpetual incarceration with 15 minutes of "due process" before a panel of Army officers @Gitmo—were "free" anymore.

    We've got all these awesome weapons systems, ICBMs'n'shit, and nothing to blow up but jihadi "training camps." They love to show that same old video of Arab dudes on monkey bars as if it were the muslin equivalent of the John F Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School at Fort Bragg NC, Yuma Proving Ground AZ, and Fleming Key FL. It's a tragedy…if only there were some way to turn these swords into plowshares, or maybe Social Security payments.

  • freakishlywrong

    Chuckkk will beat this "scandal" like a wet mule all the way to November.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Is "Wet Mule" Grandpa Corn-pants' euphemism for his old flaccid penis?

  • Radiotherapy

    Wait until he finds out the Soviets are monitoring his tweets.

    • ChernobylSoup

      … and the KGB is passing every tweet to the Politburo.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Mr. President, we must not allow a twitter gap!

        • ChernobylSoup

          We could put twitters on railroad tracks UNDERGROUND!

  • SmutBoffin

    Since he is a Republican, Chuck knows nothing about anything* and is therefore immune to subversion by communist spy preverts.

    *Except corn, maybe?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Only how to get federal subsidies for it…

  • Wilcoxyz

    So we're sending a GOP delegation to probe Colombia's prostitutes?

    • ChernobylSoup

      They'll just screw it up. Wonkette should send a delegation instead.

    • chicken_thief

      I thought they were female hookers? The GOP's only interest in probing cooters is with a transvaginal ultrasound wand.

  • MissTaken

    Columbian-Russian Spy Hookers want our corn subsidies. Thankfully Grassley is on the case!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    People from Iowa really know a lot about espionage.

    • chicken_thief

      He can see Wisconsin from his house!!!

  • donner_froh

    When people in Iowa vote for Chuck they must think he is running for dogcatcher or town drunk. No one would knowingly vote for him for senator.

    • freakishlywrong

      I. O. W. A.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again

    Darned straight! Exactly what *I* do too, get on th' roof an' fix the goldarned antenna so the *slap* —History Learning Channel will — *slap*stop acting up and git to workin' again! *slaps teevee* *thump* *throws remote control across room*

  • FlownOver

    They's fembots, I tells ya!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    But, how do we get to pin this on Barrack H. Obama?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Grassley is so old that it's actually a relief he's not worried about German spies.

    • SmutBoffin

      "We mst stop TEH KAISER frm takking r SALTPETER. #War2EndAllWarz"

    • Man0nTheStreet

      But he *is* a Deep-Cover agent within the Senate's Confederate Caucus…

  • RavenRant

    Who hot!?!

  • DaRooster

    Hcdij;l OIfndl IOJHC*&$*(@


  • SoBeach

    Some republicans want so desperately to pin a "scandal" on Obama they'll throw military and Secret Service grunts under the bus to manufacture one.

    Anybody care to imagine how the wingnuts would be reacting if it were a republican in the White House, and a democrat "investigating" the Secret Service?

  • Redhead

    "“Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.”"

    No he didn't. There are far too many vowels (and too few numbers) in that statement for it to have come from Grassley.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    COLOMBIAN LADIES WERE RUSSIAN SPIES MAYBE HMM? theory is the first thing we hear whenever we have the misfortune of seeing any cable news segment about the scandal.

    Cable news prostitutes (e.g., Wolf Blitzer) don't like competition.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Her lips said Cartagena, but her mustache said Vladivostok.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Up next, Sen. Chuckie investigates ICBM's in igloo outhouse. World giggles.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I may tell my kids this dude is hanging out in their closets if they give me any shit today when they come home from school.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I'd do the same if Ann Colter weren't taking up so much room.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    What the fuck happened in Washington this year? Did some sort of dirty time bomb go off, transporting all the intellectual capacity of the modern GOP straight into the early twentieth century. They're all once again terrified of commies and the Russians, sex and lady parts, the blahs and on and on.
    Although Obama did manage to kill Osama, I think Osama may have actually won the war on terror because he managed to turn half this country into fucking fundamentalist cavemen like himself.

    • LiveToServeYa

      They went insane from having a 'near' president. It's an election year and it appears they shall get more 'nearness'. I guess we should be sorry for them. Or at least fake it until we can get them to put down the bomb.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      GW Bush gets an "assist" on Bin Laden's win … it was a GOP team effort!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Because it would be wildly irresponsible to not speculate.

  • weejee

    Do we need a new Constitutional Amendment? Perhaps the Senate was/is a giant fucking mistake, like the House of Lords, and we should just get rid of it.

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      It doesn't bother me that one vote in Wyoming counts 50 times what my vote does in CA. Why do you hate America, weejee? The Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution that way because they knew best, plus a lot of 'em owned slaves and wouldn't join the Union unless they could be overrepresented.

      Could it be any worse if we went back to letting state legislators pick the senators?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Is Chuck Grassley a Russian spy? Judging by his tweets, his English is severely challenged, almost as though he keeps trying to type in Cyrillic while trashed on ┼╗ubrówka.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why would Russia bother with Columbian prostitute spies, when they've got 81 congressmen on their payroll already? Grassley needs to coordinate his paranoid fantasies with Alan West.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    um… uh… Muslinisms!!!

  • el_donaldo

    Somehow this seems apropos – Montgomery Burns: "Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry."

  • Guppy

    You can't afford an Anna Chapman on a Secret Service salary.

  • prommie

    We can't let the prostitutes into the War Room! They'll see the Big Board!

  • prommie

    We'll have to get our top agents on this, Moose and Squirrel!

  • Troglodeity

    I demand an investigation into whether Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's prostitutes were Russian spies! After all, Russian for "diaper" sounds like "Popeye's greasy." It all connects.

    • chicken_thief

      What about the cock that Larry Craig was gnawing on? Any hint of borscht flavor?

  • owhatever

    Silly rabbit.

  • WiscDad

    Oh for fuck's sake….he's been into the gin and listening to Zevon again

  • Mumbly_Joe

    Please. If any of these Secret Service agents were being compromised by the Russians for intelligence reasons, they'd have been able to pay for their Colombian ladies.

  • cobweb2

    God damn it; "'snuck' out the window" stops me dead in my tracks; don't care to read any opinions from a fan of "sneak, sneaked, snuck."

  • BZ1

    Did Chuck mean, "Boris & Natasha" was on the case?

  • WonkCynic

    This is just Obarmer's opportunity to clean house, get all the whities out of the SS, and get some good old fashioned Sharia supporting Muslins on the staff. No non-Muslin Prez will ever be safe again once he get's his creeps in there. No more hookers, no more booze. Just prayer mats and pedophilia!

  • ttommyunger

    Grassly/West 2012! FIXED!