GRAMPA CORNPANTS  1:18 pm April 24, 2012

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

by Jim Newell

THE REAL GRASSLEYOh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is.

But Chuck’s speculation isn’t all that terrible. He’s in good company — this COLOMBIAN LADIES WERE RUSSIAN SPIES MAYBE HMM? theory is the first thing we hear whenever we have the misfortune of seeing any cable news segment about the scandal. (THERE ARE SO MANY PROSTITUTES HERE, WOLF is the second thing.)

But perhaps! There was that Russian lady a couple of years ago, after all, who hot and a spy. But most Russian spies probably wouldn’t care enough to insist on getting paid their few hundred bucks and risk launching an international sex scandal.

[The Hill, image via DU]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 77 comments }

Tundra Grifter April 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Is Anna Chapman still on LinkedIn? I'd like to Link Up.

iburl April 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

That's a great booty call site.

James Michael Curley April 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

They should ban electricity if it will shut this idiot up.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Everyone know all the good Russian Spies/Prostitutes hang out in Louisiana.

freakishlywrong April 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

UR IDIOT. StAY AAway. PLS SHTTUP. I AM HAMmer. #fuckingworthlesswingnuts.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Is there anything better at taking the erotic edge off of a sex scandal than Chuck Grassley. Can't wait for his tweets.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

These guys really want their cold war back; Gorbachev ending it was the worst thing to ever happen to them.

hagajim April 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Maybe, but they keep finding ways to scare the bejeezus out of those dumb enough to vote based on fear.

MissTaken April 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Second worst thing to ever happen to them: Twitter.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

HWat R u sayying abouot GrASSley?

freakishlywrong April 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

That or "Dubya finally bringing OBL to justice". They used that for color coated candy fear for years. Assholes.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

But the terrorist Muslim fear didn't last long enough for them to take advantage of post-2004. Still they did a good job of it with the time they did have, getting two wars, hundreds of thousands of dead people, and a giant debt they now are blaming Obama for. They must have been really sad when Barack actually got the guy; he's much better for them as a free bogeyman.

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Considering that they love to go on about how Saint Ronnie was the one who ended it (I know, but they really seem to believe that), I am baffled as to why they want Cold War II now…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Have you forgotten that there are like 80 or 90 card carrying commies in the House alone? Gorbachev was just a false front, so that we would stop being vigilant. Get me a chalk board, and I"ll explain the whole thing to you.

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Exactly, SB, they seemed to be bored with the whole "islamic radicals who use terrorism as a tactic" thing. Too many old James Bond movies or something.

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

What makes Grassley think they're not Hezbollah spies instead? Or spies for the Mole People? One should never quickly discount the Mole People.

Mumbletypeg April 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"In archaeology science fiction, all things are possible." ~

Buzz Feedback April 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

"Bitch set me up."

hagajim April 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Chucks next tweet. Whrs R russki mole; SS is faling US

Blueb4sunrise April 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Gee, I'd like to help, but I don't remember that specific occasion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IBvZlRqOTw

Dashboard Buddha April 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Grassley's so fucking negative.

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

“We’re looking at something that is very, very serious when national security might not be protected properly,” Grassley told Radio Iowa on Tuesday. “Who knows who might be using prostitutes? The Russians are famous for that to get information out of us. You want to know that the president is protected.”
“I don’t have that information yet and that’s what needs to be made public and we need to know whether or not there is other people involved that maybe we haven’t even thought of, and how far outside of this small group of people this investigation entailed," Grassley said on Fox News Channel's America's Newsroom.

So, the esteemed Senator admits he has no idea what he is talking about, but nevertheless expects to be taken seriously. Um, OK, if you say so…

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Grandpa Corn-pants is just trying to figure out how much Colombian hookers will charge him for a "Dubuque Steamer".

V572 Fehrnstrom April 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

The Soviet-era nostalgia of these old farts is getting out of hand. Romney's the same way, keeps talking about "the free world" as though there is some other world that isn't free. Or as if our world, with robot drones killing anyone anywhere on the president's say-so—or perpetual incarceration with 15 minutes of "due process" before a panel of Army officers @Gitmo—were "free" anymore.

We've got all these awesome weapons systems, ICBMs'n'shit, and nothing to blow up but jihadi "training camps." They love to show that same old video of Arab dudes on monkey bars as if it were the muslin equivalent of the John F Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School at Fort Bragg NC, Yuma Proving Ground AZ, and Fleming Key FL. It's a tragedy…if only there were some way to turn these swords into plowshares, or maybe Social Security payments.

freakishlywrong April 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Chuckkk will beat this "scandal" like a wet mule all the way to November.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Is "Wet Mule" Grandpa Corn-pants' euphemism for his old flaccid penis?

Radiotherapy April 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Wait until he finds out the Soviets are monitoring his tweets.

ChernobylSoup April 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

… and the KGB is passing every tweet to the Politburo.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Mr. President, we must not allow a twitter gap!

ChernobylSoup April 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

We could put twitters on railroad tracks UNDERGROUND!

SmutBoffin April 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Since he is a Republican, Chuck knows nothing about anything* and is therefore immune to subversion by communist spy preverts.

*Except corn, maybe?

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Only how to get federal subsidies for it…

Wilcoxyz April 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

So we're sending a GOP delegation to probe Colombia's prostitutes?

ChernobylSoup April 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

They'll just screw it up. Wonkette should send a delegation instead.

chicken_thief April 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I thought they were female hookers? The GOP's only interest in probing cooters is with a transvaginal ultrasound wand.

MissTaken April 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Columbian-Russian Spy Hookers want our corn subsidies. Thankfully Grassley is on the case!

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

People from Iowa really know a lot about espionage.

chicken_thief April 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm

He can see Wisconsin from his house!!!

donner_froh April 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

When people in Iowa vote for Chuck they must think he is running for dogcatcher or town drunk. No one would knowingly vote for him for senator.

freakishlywrong April 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I. O. W. A.

Mumbletypeg April 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again

Darned straight! Exactly what *I* do too, get on th' roof an' fix the goldarned antenna so the *slap* –History Learning Channel will — *slap*stop acting up and git to workin' again! *slaps teevee* *thump* *throws remote control across room*

FlownOver April 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

They's fembots, I tells ya!

Jus_Wonderin April 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

But, how do we get to pin this on Barrack H. Obama?

anniegetyerfun April 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Grassley is so old that it's actually a relief he's not worried about German spies.

SmutBoffin April 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

"We mst stop TEH KAISER frm takking r SALTPETER. #War2EndAllWarz"

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

But he *is* a Deep-Cover agent within the Senate's Confederate Caucus…

RavenRant April 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Who hot!?!

DaRooster April 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Hcdij;l OIfndl IOJHC*&$*(@

#chuckgrassley

SoBeach April 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Some republicans want so desperately to pin a "scandal" on Obama they'll throw military and Secret Service grunts under the bus to manufacture one.

Anybody care to imagine how the wingnuts would be reacting if it were a republican in the White House, and a democrat "investigating" the Secret Service?

Redhead April 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"“Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.”"

No he didn't. There are far too many vowels (and too few numbers) in that statement for it to have come from Grassley.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

COLOMBIAN LADIES WERE RUSSIAN SPIES MAYBE HMM? theory is the first thing we hear whenever we have the misfortune of seeing any cable news segment about the scandal.

Cable news prostitutes (e.g., Wolf Blitzer) don't like competition.
~

LiveToServeYa April 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Her lips said Cartagena, but her mustache said Vladivostok.

EatsBabyDingos April 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Up next, Sen. Chuckie investigates ICBM's in igloo outhouse. World giggles.

Texan_Bulldog April 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I may tell my kids this dude is hanging out in their closets if they give me any shit today when they come home from school.

Jus_Wonderin April 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'd do the same if Ann Colter weren't taking up so much room.

Native_of_SL_UT April 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm

What the fuck happened in Washington this year? Did some sort of dirty time bomb go off, transporting all the intellectual capacity of the modern GOP straight into the early twentieth century. They're all once again terrified of commies and the Russians, sex and lady parts, the blahs and on and on.
Although Obama did manage to kill Osama, I think Osama may have actually won the war on terror because he managed to turn half this country into fucking fundamentalist cavemen like himself.

LiveToServeYa April 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

They went insane from having a 'near' president. It's an election year and it appears they shall get more 'nearness'. I guess we should be sorry for them. Or at least fake it until we can get them to put down the bomb.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm

GW Bush gets an "assist" on Bin Laden's win … it was a GOP team effort!

HobbesEvilTwin April 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Because it would be wildly irresponsible to not speculate.

weejee April 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Do we need a new Constitutional Amendment? Perhaps the Senate was/is a giant fucking mistake, like the House of Lords, and we should just get rid of it.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

It doesn't bother me that one vote in Wyoming counts 50 times what my vote does in CA. Why do you hate America, weejee? The Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution that way because they knew best, plus a lot of 'em owned slaves and wouldn't join the Union unless they could be overrepresented.

Could it be any worse if we went back to letting state legislators pick the senators?

OneYieldRegular April 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Is Chuck Grassley a Russian spy? Judging by his tweets, his English is severely challenged, almost as though he keeps trying to type in Cyrillic while trashed on ┼╗ubrówka.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Why would Russia bother with Columbian prostitute spies, when they've got 81 congressmen on their payroll already? Grassley needs to coordinate his paranoid fantasies with Alan West.

Man0nTheStreet April 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

um… uh… Muslinisms!!!

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Somehow this seems apropos – Montgomery Burns: "Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry."

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

You can't afford an Anna Chapman on a Secret Service salary.

prommie April 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm

We can't let the prostitutes into the War Room! They'll see the Big Board!

prommie April 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

We'll have to get our top agents on this, Moose and Squirrel!

Troglodeity April 24, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I demand an investigation into whether Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's prostitutes were Russian spies! After all, Russian for "diaper" sounds like "Popeye's greasy." It all connects.

chicken_thief April 24, 2012 at 2:46 pm

What about the cock that Larry Craig was gnawing on? Any hint of borscht flavor?

owhatever April 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Silly rabbit.

WiscDad April 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Oh for fuck's sake….he's been into the gin and listening to Zevon again

Mumbly_Joe April 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Please. If any of these Secret Service agents were being compromised by the Russians for intelligence reasons, they'd have been able to pay for their Colombian ladies.

cobweb2 April 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm

God damn it; "'snuck' out the window" stops me dead in my tracks; don't care to read any opinions from a fan of "sneak, sneaked, snuck."

BZ1 April 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Did Chuck mean, "Boris & Natasha" was on the case?

WonkCynic April 25, 2012 at 2:19 am

This is just Obarmer's opportunity to clean house, get all the whities out of the SS, and get some good old fashioned Sharia supporting Muslins on the staff. No non-Muslin Prez will ever be safe again once he get's his creeps in there. No more hookers, no more booze. Just prayer mats and pedophilia!

ttommyunger April 25, 2012 at 7:34 am

Grassly/West 2012! FIXED!

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