Gingrich Plumps For Anti-Gay Amendment: Marriage Between A Man And A Women Until She Gets Sick

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sup North Carolina? Yer gettin’ ready to vote on Amendment 1, which bans gay marriage (which is already banned) in addition to straight and gay civil unions and domestic partnerships? Sounds like a fun amendment! Good job, you guys, way to stick it to … well, your 200,000 straight citizens who are in domestic partnerships already, in addition to the 25,000 or something godless sodomites. Very modern-ages of you guys! Not at all sad and medieval! Too bad that lie-beral Supreme Court outlawed outlawing sodomy itself in Lawrence, you could put those icky sexers in jail, like in Ye Olde Oscar Wilde Days! But do other people have opinions about your Amendment 1, like maybe Newt Gingrich? We would really like to hear what Newt Gingrich thinks before we totally make up our minds that Amendment 1 is the best, most important Amendment and one that we should send $5 to, and that it is filled with laughter and love and hope for The Children, who I believe are the Future! Oh good, Newt Gingrich DOES have an opinion! He thinks marriage is between a man and a woman! But we feel like there is something important about that statement, that it maybe leaves something out. We wish we could remember what that important something might be.

Something something, Saul Alinsky (because duh), Thomas Jefferson, we are all endowed by our Creator except for gays, because they do sex in men’s bottoms YUCK!

Marriage between a man and a woman is at the heart of our civilization. It’s a belief that is now under attack, yet it’s at the very core of defining who we are. That’s why I urge you to vote for the initiative right here in North Carolina. The chance to vote for a referendum to declare clearly that marriage is between a man and a woman.
This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs. There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse.

This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution.

OH WE REMEMBER NOW. It is that Newt keeps divorcing his wives for his mistresses as soon as they get sick! We feel like that should have been harder to forget!

[HuffPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 95 comments }

Barb April 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

I haven't seen Newt this sad since he realized that Bill Clinton had more sex on Newt's desk than Newt himself

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 10:27 am

Are you counting masturbations?

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Well, now if you're going to get all fancy schmancy and worry about the details, we should really say that Bill Clinton had more CONSENSUAL sex than Newt, right?

DaRooster April 24, 2012 at 10:14 am

"…It’s a belief that is now under attack, yet it’s at the very core of defining who we are."

Hmm… I must have missed the part of the rally where everyone was yelling,"NO MARRIAGE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN!"… you know, all attacky like.

TheGyrus April 24, 2012 at 10:23 am

Newt's definition of "we" does not include "you".

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 10:28 am

Of course it's under attack! Why just last week, I married the cable guy, when I could have married any number of full-hipped women of child-bearing age!

Sadly, we divorced after he finished putting in my box. He may never even have known we were married.

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"Sadly, we divorced after he finished putting in my box"

Please, for the love of a merciful god, let this be a double entendre…

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

It's in the liberal strategy manual under "Gay Agenda." That way we save our breath at rallies for the continuous chant of "Allahu Akbar"!

CivilMcMannerly April 24, 2012 at 10:14 am

"25,000 or something godless sodomites"

Now, THAT sounds like a party I can get behind…

Nostrildamus April 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Lots of behind…

chascates April 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

Why doesn't Newt call for outlawing divorce or adultery?

OneDollarJuana April 24, 2012 at 10:28 am

Or repealing the law regarding check kiting?

EtchySketchy April 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

Marriage is between a man, a woman, and a penguin mistress.

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and the legislative aide on her knees under the desk.

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 10:30 am

And NO aspirin!

LiveToServeYa April 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

The only difference between the positions of Newt and Mitt is that Newt believes these things should be sequential and Mitt believes they can be simultaneous.

SaintRond April 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

And there's nothing like a ten inch piece of plastic shoved up a lady's cooch to make her realize that men are better.

JerkCade April 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

Has Callista been looking a little peaked to anyone else? Nah . . . it's probably just the rigors of the campaign trail. But then again . . .

ManchuCandidate April 24, 2012 at 10:16 am

When a man loves a woman
But when she gets breast cancer then
He'll trade her in
For the good thing he's found
If she's gives head he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Sell the remains of his soul to Satan
For some Tiffany rocks.

DaRooster April 24, 2012 at 10:16 am

"This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution."

Jesus, how many votes do these folks get?

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm

A number equaling the sum of their teeth, fingers, and grandparents.

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 10:17 am

What about open marriages like Newt's; that's more between multiple men and women.

EtchySketchy April 24, 2012 at 10:17 am

Oh, looky! Sarah Palin got a speech writing gig:

"This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs."

FlownOver April 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

He remains an inspiration to the Minnesota GOP.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

We need a law protecting the institution of marriage from politicians and celebrities.

SteveMcCroskey April 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

and to vote for preserving a very basic institution.

Tiffany's?

Not_So_Much April 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

He still believes you can have other people's wives blow you though, right?

Ruhe April 24, 2012 at 10:32 am

Well, right now the Catholic Church only recognizes that as a sacrament if the "hummee" is a priest and the "hummer" is other people's children. The Church doctrine on blowjobs is always evolving though so stay tuned.

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 10:20 am

I'm sure Newt is all against a man marrying a space alien, too. But like everything else, it's okay if he does it. And Callista is probably immune to terrestrial/human diseases, too.

randcoolcatdaddy April 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

Did the authors of this amendment specifically state that marriage is between a male and female _human being_? No, they did not….

So, Newt and Calistra are still safe in NC.

MrFizzy April 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

He implicitly supports marriage between a man and a mannequin however.

Mumbletypeg April 24, 2012 at 10:27 am

between a man and a mannequin

Romneybot can haz same-sex sexytime then! as for Newt..
*regards Callista*
.. well, Q.E.D.~

horsedreamer_1 April 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

The Professor & the Real Doll. Coming to an art house cinema near you. Independence Day.

OneYieldRegular April 24, 2012 at 10:24 am

I would've thought that the fine upstanding citizens behind Amendment 1 would have made Newt the poster child for the dangers to traditional marriage about which they're concerned, or… or…D'OH! – is this just about indulging their hatred of gay people?

James Michael Curley April 24, 2012 at 10:25 am

This is going to be bad for finding a parking space in "South of the Border."

Dudleydidwrong April 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

When Pedro finds out what is happening at his place he'll ask NC to annex his fine, upstanding institution.

AlterNewt April 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

"…and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

And there you have it.

BaldarTFlagass April 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

"This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution. "

Oh, and please buy my book.

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

Newt:

"Marriage in indeed between a man and a woman. In fact, between a man and several women, just not in that icky, stinky Mormon Big Love kind of way."

RedneckMuslin April 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

Newt, there is no "I" in "We the People".

donner_froh April 24, 2012 at 10:27 am

Thanks for identifying another video to avoid.

Ruhe April 24, 2012 at 10:29 am

"… it’s at the very core of defining who we are…"

When the aliens arrive just try explaining that to them. They'll quickly place the inter-galactic symbol for "painfully jejune" on the part of their star charts that shows Earth then zoom off to find some more interesting life forms to communicate with.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

We've been anally probing Earthlings for 30 years now and the only thing we've learned is that 10% of them like it.

–Kids in the Hall

actor212 April 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

"Jejeune" is a word that's not used enough on this mommy blog.

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

It's also Porky Pig's favorite month.

Slim_Pickins April 24, 2012 at 10:30 am

Newt should be shilling for a "Defense of Divorce" Act.

EtchySketchy April 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

I love being lectured by philandering, bankrupt, moon-colonizing, fake historians.

SudsMcKenzie April 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

He is the cubic zerkonia of candidates.

EloquentScience April 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

That's about all that Tiffany's will sell him now, with those bad checks and all.

ElPinche April 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

When is someone going to pull out his belly button plug and deflate that fart bubble Baron-Harkonnen-style?

donner_froh April 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

Traditional marriage is under attack. When my nephew and his (female) fiance got their marriage license they were stuck in the "Opposite marriage/Neither party transgendered" line while the lines for the "Same sex marriage" were moving much more quickly.

So sad.

freakishlywrong April 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

Freedumb is allowing Newt Gingrich to dictate his family values all over you.

DemmeFatale April 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

Yet another state joins the "Never Go Or Live There" list.

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"Joins"? Jesse Helms was their senator for 800 years.

Trannysurprise April 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

I don't know what Newt's worried about. He looks like the god damned Michelin Man with all those fat rolls so if somebody ever did want to anal rape him they could never find the right hole.

Mumbletypeg April 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

Quoth Newtie:
There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are

Time to turn the mirror on yourself, Righteous One.
Some would call "radical" the processes of — oh, I dunno: falling in love again, converting to a new religion, picking up new & improving habits — all can result in "radical" changes for the better. You are the least credible living embodiment of any such "radical" upgrade, you bloated pustule, for in all three of those cases you hurt loved ones *and* mocked genuine believers w/ your actions *and* poison the integrity of your prior achievements with every malodorous political point you try to score. Quit tramping from state to state like a dog pooping in its neighbors', tell Callista to call off the leash-walks, back to scooping up your stinkwads in the privacy of your own yard.

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 10:38 am

When he can say he has stuck by a spouse who was scared out of their mind because they had cancer, and held their hand through chemo treatments, and boosted their self-esteem when they had no hair, were jaundiced and could barely keep food down, BUT saw them through it because he loved them, and that was all that was important, he can open his big fat lie hole and mutter whatever he wants about marriage. Since I've done all that and more, I'm going to continue to think he is an ass tumor on the planet and none of his one man/one woman marriages can suck the dingleberries off my two-man marriage.

MarionNYNY April 24, 2012 at 10:55 am

I know it's wonkette, but this made me cry. Good on you, and best wishes for your spouse.

widestanceromance April 24, 2012 at 11:02 am

Thank you right back, MNYNY. The good news is that this was over 10 years ago, and he is still doing great, even if not yet my legal husband. . .

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

See — no wonder you're a threat to Newt's idea of marriage.

(Also that was awesome).

SorosBot April 24, 2012 at 10:38 am

He's going to make sure that same sex marriage is outlawed on the moon, too!

proudgrampa April 24, 2012 at 10:38 am

I have never understood how gay marriage was an "attack" on anything. You might as well say that my martinis are an attack on sober people. Makes as much sense.

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 10:42 am

Well, any martini in range of my vision (or smell) (or thought) is generally an imminent threat to my sobriety.

Redhead April 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

It's the Republican way – anyone who disagrees with me or thinks differently or makes different choices (however civilized, or however little they affect my life) is attacking my beliefs and my way of life.

el_donaldo April 24, 2012 at 10:39 am

The basis of our civilization is the marriage between man and woman? Only if you consider the systematic exclusion of women from the public sphere to be civilized. Just saying.

elgin_pelican April 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

The basis of our civilization is takin' stuff from folks. Callista knows that, Noot, you should talk to her.

vodkamuppet April 24, 2012 at 10:41 am

Ya know, Newt Gingrich seems like kind of an asshole.

chicken_thief April 24, 2012 at 10:42 am

Because Jesus, goddamnit!!!!

BornInATrailer April 24, 2012 at 10:46 am

Protect the sanctity of marriage, Newt? Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash.

Oh wait.

lowaltflier April 24, 2012 at 10:55 am

Is that jack ass for real? He's dumber than Ted Nugent

fuflans April 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama

i believe what you really mean to say here newt is: make sure republicans make the country so ungovernable the black president fails.

BZ1 April 24, 2012 at 10:59 am

Is the Newtster still around? Can't he take "no" for an answer?

mavenmaven April 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

"a future that I think will be much worse" If he knew anything at all about the future he would have been out of this race a long time ago.

EloquentScience April 24, 2012 at 11:40 am

Is keeping Newt in the race "a future that I think will be much worse"?

Redhead April 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

"There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

I could not agree more whole-heartedly, Newt! That's why I'm encouraging ALL my friends and fellow nor'carliners to vote the Repugnicant bums out! (and vote down this amendment crap) before we wimminz are relegated back to the kitchen, with our only healthcare provided by drunk bums, and we lose the right to vote (along with black people and Hispanics, at least the few who aren't shot by neighborhood watch/castle doctrine enthusiasts.)

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs

What the shitting dick nipples does that even mean???

BornInATrailer April 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

Permission to use "shitting dick nipples?"

Fare la Volpe April 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

Granted.

EloquentScience April 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

Give Newton a break. He was so fuming mad when he wrote that, he couldn't even think straight. Gays marrying, dogs and cats living together…

msrhpvt April 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Trying to picture a shitting dick nipple… sounds like a very messy condition…

Biel_ze_Bubba April 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

"the very core of defining who we are"

i.e.., homophobic, racist, intolerant, and ignorant.

The teabaggers should stop and ask who's been busy "changing what America is."

Guppy April 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

O Great and Merciful Editrix, might you start using <iframe> tags for embedding YouTube videos, for us urchins who lack Flash Player?

Maman April 24, 2012 at 11:17 am

So the institution of marriage is only sacred when you can crush the spirit of a girl when you leave her for a younger model…

smitallica April 24, 2012 at 11:19 am

I like how he still displays his "SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH" nameplate. I still have my 3rd grade Science Fair 1st place trophy. But then, I was never forced to resign from the Science Fair due to 83 ethics violations.

chisho1m April 24, 2012 at 11:25 am

Am I the only one who's maybe equally weirded out by the inexplicable inclusion of gimmick-novel "House of Leaves" on Gingrich's bookshelves?

SayItWithWookies April 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

Well we can pull out of Afghanistan now — since we're clearly not fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.

Biff April 24, 2012 at 11:31 am

"Marriage Between A Man And A Women"

gets a pass this time, because Newt.

JustPixelz April 24, 2012 at 11:39 am

"Marriage between a man and a woman is at the heart of our civilization."

I'll throw down the quibbles that a) the Bible is very big on polygamy; b) Jesus never married (or did he?); c) slaves in the South were not allowed to marry (which actually illustrates the uncivilized heritage we live with). Also that marriage is declining for lots of non-ghey reasons, including delayed childbearing, workforce mobility, smaller families, social acceptability of unmarried LTR couples.

Anyway, families are the heart of civilization. Families deal with every problem our society can throw at us, including lesbian sisters, divorce, the economy, sickness, joblessness. Some families crumble, others are strengthened, others reorganize themselves. If marriage disappeared tomorrow, families would cope with that too.

mrblifil April 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Also he was getting blown in his car by his staffer as another staffer was approaching the car with his young children in tow. He might have mentioned that. For fährenbalenz.

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"Gingrich Plumps for Anti-Gay Amendment"

Wonder what headlines Rebecca considered and rejected before she decided this one was pretty much impossible to top.

ttommyunger April 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

""…at the very core of defining who we are." Yeah, Newt. I think America's got that part, as evidenced by your financial condition, poll ratings and political failures. Put a fork in yourself, Newt, you're done.

Callyson April 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Did anyone make it to the end? I got to 2:35 before I had to bail for the sake of what's left of my sanity…

tessiee April 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs. There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

Shorter: The President is a near, and he's going to force all our little white daughters to marry nears, and all our little white sons to marry queers.

rickmaci April 24, 2012 at 7:34 pm

And Newtwit is singlehandedly doing his part to protect "the heart of our civilization" by marrying as many women as he can.

WonkCynic April 25, 2012 at 2:47 am

No worries! After King Obarmer had his coup de tat and implements shariah, the out of the closet sodomites that you love AND the closeted ones that you bash on your blogs every day will all get rounded up and beheaded. What will the Lesbians do when there are no more male sodomites to dance in their parades and hang in their closets?

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