Gingrich Plumps For Anti-Gay Amendment: Marriage Between A Man And A Women Until She Gets Sick

  marriage is between one man and three women

Sup North Carolina? Yer gettin’ ready to vote on Amendment 1, which bans gay marriage (which is already banned) in addition to straight and gay civil unions and domestic partnerships? Sounds like a fun amendment! Good job, you guys, way to stick it to … well, your 200,000 straight citizens who are in domestic partnerships already, in addition to the 25,000 or something godless sodomites. Very modern-ages of you guys! Not at all sad and medieval! Too bad that lie-beral Supreme Court outlawed outlawing sodomy itself in Lawrence, you could put those icky sexers in jail, like in Ye Olde Oscar Wilde Days! But do other people have opinions about your Amendment 1, like maybe Newt Gingrich? We would really like to hear what Newt Gingrich thinks before we totally make up our minds that Amendment 1 is the best, most important Amendment and one that we should send $5 to, and that it is filled with laughter and love and hope for The Children, who I believe are the Future! Oh good, Newt Gingrich DOES have an opinion! He thinks marriage is between a man and a woman! But we feel like there is something important about that statement, that it maybe leaves something out. We wish we could remember what that important something might be.

Something something, Saul Alinsky (because duh), Thomas Jefferson, we are all endowed by our Creator except for gays, because they do sex in men’s bottoms YUCK!

Marriage between a man and a woman is at the heart of our civilization. It’s a belief that is now under attack, yet it’s at the very core of defining who we are. That’s why I urge you to vote for the initiative right here in North Carolina. The chance to vote for a referendum to declare clearly that marriage is between a man and a woman.
This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs. There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse.

This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution.

 
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OH WE REMEMBER NOW. It is that Newt keeps divorcing his wives for his mistresses as soon as they get sick! We feel like that should have been harder to forget!

[HuffPo]

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95 comments

  1. Barb

    I haven't seen Newt this sad since he realized that Bill Clinton had more sex on Newt's desk than Newt himself

      1. tessiee

        Well, now if you're going to get all fancy schmancy and worry about the details, we should really say that Bill Clinton had more CONSENSUAL sex than Newt, right?

  2. DaRooster

    "…It’s a belief that is now under attack, yet it’s at the very core of defining who we are."

    Hmm… I must have missed the part of the rally where everyone was yelling,"NO MARRIAGE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN!"… you know, all attacky like.

    1. actor212

      Of course it's under attack! Why just last week, I married the cable guy, when I could have married any number of full-hipped women of child-bearing age!

      Sadly, we divorced after he finished putting in my box. He may never even have known we were married.

      1. tessiee

        "Sadly, we divorced after he finished putting in my box"

        Please, for the love of a merciful god, let this be a double entendre…

    2. el_donaldo

      It's in the liberal strategy manual under "Gay Agenda." That way we save our breath at rallies for the continuous chant of "Allahu Akbar"!

  3. CivilMcMannerly

    "25,000 or something godless sodomites"

    Now, THAT sounds like a party I can get behind…

  4. el_donaldo

    Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and the legislative aide on her knees under the desk.

    1. LiveToServeYa

      The only difference between the positions of Newt and Mitt is that Newt believes these things should be sequential and Mitt believes they can be simultaneous.

  5. SaintRond

    And there's nothing like a ten inch piece of plastic shoved up a lady's cooch to make her realize that men are better.

  6. JerkCade

    Has Callista been looking a little peaked to anyone else? Nah . . . it's probably just the rigors of the campaign trail. But then again . . .

  7. ManchuCandidate

    When a man loves a woman
    But when she gets breast cancer then
    He'll trade her in
    For the good thing he's found
    If she's gives head he can't see it
    She can do no wrong
    Sell the remains of his soul to Satan
    For some Tiffany rocks.

  8. DaRooster

    "This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution."

    Jesus, how many votes do these folks get?

  9. EtchySketchy

    Oh, looky! Sarah Palin got a speech writing gig:

    "This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs."

  10. Doktor StrangeZoom

    We need a law protecting the institution of marriage from politicians and celebrities.

    1. Ruhe

      Well, right now the Catholic Church only recognizes that as a sacrament if the "hummee" is a priest and the "hummer" is other people's children. The Church doctrine on blowjobs is always evolving though so stay tuned.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sure Newt is all against a man marrying a space alien, too. But like everything else, it's okay if he does it. And Callista is probably immune to terrestrial/human diseases, too.

  12. randcoolcatdaddy

    Did the authors of this amendment specifically state that marriage is between a male and female _human being_? No, they did not….

    So, Newt and Calistra are still safe in NC.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The Professor & the Real Doll. Coming to an art house cinema near you. Independence Day.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    I would've thought that the fine upstanding citizens behind Amendment 1 would have made Newt the poster child for the dangers to traditional marriage about which they're concerned, or… or…D'OH! – is this just about indulging their hatred of gay people?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      When Pedro finds out what is happening at his place he'll ask NC to annex his fine, upstanding institution.

  14. AlterNewt

    "…and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

    And there you have it.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    "This is your chance to turn out and vote and vote for preserving America, and to vote for preserving a very basic institution. "

    Oh, and please buy my book.

  16. actor212

    Newt:

    "Marriage in indeed between a man and a woman. In fact, between a man and several women, just not in that icky, stinky Mormon Big Love kind of way."

  17. Ruhe

    "… it’s at the very core of defining who we are…"

    When the aliens arrive just try explaining that to them. They'll quickly place the inter-galactic symbol for "painfully jejune" on the part of their star charts that shows Earth then zoom off to find some more interesting life forms to communicate with.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      We've been anally probing Earthlings for 30 years now and the only thing we've learned is that 10% of them like it.

      –Kids in the Hall

  18. ElPinche

    When is someone going to pull out his belly button plug and deflate that fart bubble Baron-Harkonnen-style?

  19. donner_froh

    Traditional marriage is under attack. When my nephew and his (female) fiance got their marriage license they were stuck in the "Opposite marriage/Neither party transgendered" line while the lines for the "Same sex marriage" were moving much more quickly.

    So sad.

  20. Trannysurprise

    I don't know what Newt's worried about. He looks like the god damned Michelin Man with all those fat rolls so if somebody ever did want to anal rape him they could never find the right hole.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    Quoth Newtie:
    There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are

    Time to turn the mirror on yourself, Righteous One.
    Some would call "radical" the processes of — oh, I dunno: falling in love again, converting to a new religion, picking up new & improving habits — all can result in "radical" changes for the better. You are the least credible living embodiment of any such "radical" upgrade, you bloated pustule, for in all three of those cases you hurt loved ones *and* mocked genuine believers w/ your actions *and* poison the integrity of your prior achievements with every malodorous political point you try to score. Quit tramping from state to state like a dog pooping in its neighbors', tell Callista to call off the leash-walks, back to scooping up your stinkwads in the privacy of your own yard.

  22. widestanceromance

    When he can say he has stuck by a spouse who was scared out of their mind because they had cancer, and held their hand through chemo treatments, and boosted their self-esteem when they had no hair, were jaundiced and could barely keep food down, BUT saw them through it because he loved them, and that was all that was important, he can open his big fat lie hole and mutter whatever he wants about marriage. Since I've done all that and more, I'm going to continue to think he is an ass tumor on the planet and none of his one man/one woman marriages can suck the dingleberries off my two-man marriage.

      1. widestanceromance

        Thank you right back, MNYNY. The good news is that this was over 10 years ago, and he is still doing great, even if not yet my legal husband. . .

    1. SayItWithWookies

      See — no wonder you're a threat to Newt's idea of marriage.

      (Also that was awesome).

  23. proudgrampa

    I have never understood how gay marriage was an "attack" on anything. You might as well say that my martinis are an attack on sober people. Makes as much sense.

    1. el_donaldo

      Well, any martini in range of my vision (or smell) (or thought) is generally an imminent threat to my sobriety.

    2. Redhead

      It's the Republican way – anyone who disagrees with me or thinks differently or makes different choices (however civilized, or however little they affect my life) is attacking my beliefs and my way of life.

  24. el_donaldo

    The basis of our civilization is the marriage between man and woman? Only if you consider the systematic exclusion of women from the public sphere to be civilized. Just saying.

    1. elgin_pelican

      The basis of our civilization is takin' stuff from folks. Callista knows that, Noot, you should talk to her.

  25. BornInATrailer

    Protect the sanctity of marriage, Newt? Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash.

    Oh wait.

  26. fuflans

    This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama

    i believe what you really mean to say here newt is: make sure republicans make the country so ungovernable the black president fails.

  27. mavenmaven

    "a future that I think will be much worse" If he knew anything at all about the future he would have been out of this race a long time ago.

  28. Redhead

    "There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

    I could not agree more whole-heartedly, Newt! That's why I'm encouraging ALL my friends and fellow nor'carliners to vote the Repugnicant bums out! (and vote down this amendment crap) before we wimminz are relegated back to the kitchen, with our only healthcare provided by drunk bums, and we lose the right to vote (along with black people and Hispanics, at least the few who aren't shot by neighborhood watch/castle doctrine enthusiasts.)

  29. Fare la Volpe

    This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs

    What the shitting dick nipples does that even mean???

  30. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "the very core of defining who we are"

    i.e.., homophobic, racist, intolerant, and ignorant.

    The teabaggers should stop and ask who's been busy "changing what America is."

  31. Guppy

    O Great and Merciful Editrix, might you start using <iframe> tags for embedding YouTube videos, for us urchins who lack Flash Player?

  32. Maman

    So the institution of marriage is only sacred when you can crush the spirit of a girl when you leave her for a younger model…

  33. smitallica

    I like how he still displays his "SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH" nameplate. I still have my 3rd grade Science Fair 1st place trophy. But then, I was never forced to resign from the Science Fair due to 83 ethics violations.

  34. chisho1m

    Am I the only one who's maybe equally weirded out by the inexplicable inclusion of gimmick-novel "House of Leaves" on Gingrich's bookshelves?

  35. SayItWithWookies

    Well we can pull out of Afghanistan now — since we're clearly not fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.

  36. JustPixelz

    "Marriage between a man and a woman is at the heart of our civilization."

    I'll throw down the quibbles that a) the Bible is very big on polygamy; b) Jesus never married (or did he?); c) slaves in the South were not allowed to marry (which actually illustrates the uncivilized heritage we live with). Also that marriage is declining for lots of non-ghey reasons, including delayed childbearing, workforce mobility, smaller families, social acceptability of unmarried LTR couples.

    Anyway, families are the heart of civilization. Families deal with every problem our society can throw at us, including lesbian sisters, divorce, the economy, sickness, joblessness. Some families crumble, others are strengthened, others reorganize themselves. If marriage disappeared tomorrow, families would cope with that too.

  37. mrblifil

    Also he was getting blown in his car by his staffer as another staffer was approaching the car with his young children in tow. He might have mentioned that. For fährenbalenz.

  38. tessiee

    "Gingrich Plumps for Anti-Gay Amendment"

    Wonder what headlines Rebecca considered and rejected before she decided this one was pretty much impossible to top.

  39. ttommyunger

    ""…at the very core of defining who we are." Yeah, Newt. I think America's got that part, as evidenced by your financial condition, poll ratings and political failures. Put a fork in yourself, Newt, you're done.

  40. Callyson

    Did anyone make it to the end? I got to 2:35 before I had to bail for the sake of what's left of my sanity…

  41. tessiee

    "This is part of the same great process this year that’s involved with President Obama, and that’s involved with the whole danger of what’s happening to our basic beliefs. There’s an effort by radicals at every level to change who we are, to change what America is and to change for our children into a future that I think will be much worse."

    Shorter: The President is a near, and he's going to force all our little white daughters to marry nears, and all our little white sons to marry queers.

  42. rickmaci

    And Newtwit is singlehandedly doing his part to protect "the heart of our civilization" by marrying as many women as he can.

  43. WonkCynic

    No worries! After King Obarmer had his coup de tat and implements shariah, the out of the closet sodomites that you love AND the closeted ones that you bash on your blogs every day will all get rounded up and beheaded. What will the Lesbians do when there are no more male sodomites to dance in their parades and hang in their closets?

Comments are closed.