Newt Gingrich Fails Even To Get .Com Address For ‘’

Bamz haz sad

Gypsy grifter Newt Gingrich is not done having Big Ideas, like his latest, putting up a MEAN website about one President Disgraceful, in which Ol’ Bamz over there looks down with sadness on his miserable failure of a presidency. Like this nifty chart (pictured!), which shows how once, for about a week, gas, like freedom, cost a buck oh five, mostly because nobody was driving to work at their factory jobs because they had no jobs and no factories. And now that gas is the same as it pretty much has been (excepting that one flukey height-of-the-recession week), Newton is explaining to everybody that blahblahblah nobody cares it is all childish make-believe nonsense. ALGAE! NOM NOM NOM!

Anyhoo, Newton had to get his embarrassing “.net” website because he could not get because it is already registered to this guy, and he must have known about Newt’s problems with check-kiting and must have asked Newt for cash up front before he would sign it over. (The is blank, by the way.) If Newt Gingrich would just legally change his name to “Obama Failures,” he would have a pretty good case to bring for cybersquatting. []

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  1. GOPCrusher

    He's going to try to pin the blame of gas prices rising on the fact that the Keystone Pipeline was rejected?
    And now gas prices are going back down on a daily basis here in the Midwest, what is he going to blame that on?

    1. MissTaken

      what is he going to blame that on?

      That Americans think there will be a GOP President next year?

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      Oh, I bet he will say it is a misprint. "Ass prices are going up and BO is to blame."

          1. sullivanst

            Those guys are ubiquitous. In Washington, everywhere you look, you see a big-ass lobby.

    3. iburl

      Yes, because if they'd approved the pipeline, OPEC would have said "Oh noes, It's XL!! let's lower our prices immediately!!"

    4. Generation[redacted]

      If you look at the chart, you can see the line doesn't even start until the keystone decision. Makes sense to me! Does it to you?

    5. kissawookiee

      He's not going to blame it on anybody. He will, however, blame Obama for taking away the livelihoods of mom 'n' pop gasoline vendors by artificially lowering gas prices, because communism.

      1. Warwhatgoodfor

        OMG! I used to drink that crap! It was so bad that I once sent a simple off for lab analysis. The report came back: your horse has diabetes.

      1. Negropolis

        No one truly knows the horrors of Gas Warfare until they've been on the tail-end of a Gingrich fart. Many a brave man and woman was lost in those Gas Wars.

  2. mormos

    I'm so sick of this gas prices shit. yes, gas prices were low in 2009. what were they in 2008 again? or 2007? or 2006? 'cause I remember $5 a gallon gas while bush was still pres.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And I remember thinking, "Gee, I'd better start adapting to high gas prices in case they go up again" around that same time.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        He wasn't Prez then. But he used his Kenyan Muslim Voodoo to raise prices just like he does now.

    2. Biff

      This year, I haven't seen it even as expensive as it was in 2005. That's the year I bought a diesel-powered pickup, so naturally that was the year cheney's diabolical plans came to fruition.

    3. Naked_Bunny

      The price of gas did drop pretty far when the economy collapsed during the Bush Administration. I guess that's what they're aiming for again?

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        My domestic partner-unit literally has only to walk across the alley behind our house to get to his current place of work. He's been saving over $200 a month because he doesn't have the commute he had at his previous job.
        Of course, the best is being able to work right at home, which is what I currently do. I don't have to even bathe or shave!
        *sniffs* What's that smell?
        Guess it's time to launder my PJs.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          "My domestic partner-unit literally has only to walk across the alley behind our house to get to his current place of work."

          Gawd, I just realized how that sounds. No, his line or work doesn't involve sex worker-type stuff. He works at a funeral home so I hope the hell it doesn't involve sex.

    1. MissTaken

      I ride the liberal, elitest subway to work. On weekends I drive my 12 year old Civic that gets 34 mpg to the Whole Foods. I'm such a pile of scum.

      1. sewollef

        That's so funny, I too ride the liberal elitist subway to work.

        I'm guessing the homeless that occasionally clear certain cars on my N-Train must also be liberals. And elitists.

        They just have that dishevelled look that's so hip in the East Village these days.

  3. SkinnyNerd

    I hope someone registers and places this Wonkette post as the first post there.

  4. i_AM_ready

    # 1 failure is "Zero Budgets Passed."
    Gee, that's hardly wonky at all. People will really get behind an issue like that.

    1. sullivanst

      If you're wonky enough to get behind an issue like that, you're probably also wonky enough to know that Newt's assertion is a complete and utter fucking lie.

      1. i_AM_ready

        Exactly. First place, the President doesn't "pass" a budget; Congress does. And the government hasn't been shutting down, so that means Congress has been passing budgets. And budgets are never exactly what the President proposed, they're always a mix of what the President proposed and what Congress wants. Which is exactly what has been happening with Obama. As you say, 100% BS, and Newt knows it. He's a fat moron who was denied tenure by a roadside college in Georgia, and that's what passes for an "intellectual" in today's Republicrat party.

        1. sullivanst

          Bah. My first attempt at a reply must've included a word on the censor's list of doom. Pretty sure I mentioned no part of the firing mechanism of a gun, so I have no idea what it was.

          Anyway… Congress can pass a budget but fail to pass appropriations bills, which would force a shutdown. Conversely, Congress can fail to pass a budget resolution but continue appropriating within limits laid out in the last budget that did pass, which will not force a shutdown – this is what's been happening during the infamous 1,000-something days of lame talking points. While the Senate hasn't passed a budget resolution since 2010, it did pass the Budget Control Act of 2011, which does everything a budget would do, except any attempt by Congress to override it would face the President's veto power, which a normal budget wouldn't. So, there's that.

          According to the Congressional Research Service, in both 2009 and 2010, the Senate-originated budget resolution and its House companion measure passed both chambers. So that's four budget resolutions that have been passed while Obama's President, plus the Budget Control Act. That means that Newt is telling wholesale, easily and objectively provable lies. Because he's a big fat liar.

          PS. I think I worked out what my naughty word was: the compound of "out" and the opposite of left. Silly censor.

  5. fartknocker

    Where is the graph showing Newt’s logarithmic decline after everyone learned about his $1.6 million Fannie Mae & Freddie gig and his $500,000 credit line at Tiffany’s?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I'm not sure that you can graph a line that is already so far in the negative to begin with. You end up receding into a place that math can't go.

      Like Newt's wang.

  6. Terry

    There are lots of events from January 2012 that you could plot on that graph to imply a causal relationship. Bachmann left the primary race on January 4th. Clearly, the suspension of her campaign resulted in the increase in gas prices.

  7. smitallica

    Newt had to settle on because his first two choices, and IAmAFuckingLyingPhilanderingAssholeWithNoChanceofBeingPresidentEver
    were already taken.

  8. EtchySketchy

    It's not all failures from Obama, Newt. His "unleash the penguins" program did quite well.

  9. Schmannnity

    I am wondering if Romney, Santorum, Gingrich, Bachmann, and Cain calling for an invasion of Iran has a positive effect on gas prices?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Well, if you can't improve gas prices, the least you can do is cause a massive, simultaneous erection among your war-mongering voters.

    1. SkinnyNerd

      I bet there is oil in the Newt. And the moon is so smart it could get it for us.*

      *You know with gravitational pull and all.

      1. Giveusabob

        Could I just pay the AMT and not deduct anything, if that means said rocket lacks the ability to return? Seems a fair compromise.

    2. Warwhatgoodfor

      Don't have to go to all that trouble. Harpoon him, strip the blubber, render him down in a big pot. Good for ten barrels at least. Let's see, at $100+ per barrel, whoa, that's a grand. Might pay some of that back rent in Minnesota. Problem solved.

  10. SorosBot

    I bet it's Obama's fault that my internet connection was working badly last night and much of today too.

      1. SorosBot

        I just hope the only videos that come up when looking for "newt porn" just feature salamanders fucking.

    1. Steverino247

      SB has too much meat for the Internet to handle when he's using an HD webcam, obviously.

  11. EtchySketchy

    More auto-awesomeness from Newt "the car won't start unless you blow the driver" Gingrich.

  12. Rotundo_

    Dang, Newt still has enough cash for a website? I thought he pissed it all away on jewelry and two toileted hotel suites and lame ass ads. He must've recieved a fresh check from some conservative sucker (oops!) I mean patriotic like-minded individual. I wonder if Callista will notice when the diamonds turn to cubic zirconia and the gold to gold flashing. She probably will, but has aged enough to stick with Newtie since there aren't a whole lot of people in the market for worn out mistresses.

  13. Pithaughn

    Dear Newt,
    If US oil production is inversely related to pump prices, why did the pump price drop throughout the 80's and 90's while domestic US production dropped also?
    Love ,

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Send Newt a video endorsement that invokes Poe's Law … chances are good it will make it into his next advertisement.

  14. Pithaughn

    Also, wouldn't it there fore make strategic sense to produce domestic energy by any means? A kilowatt is a kilowatt my friend. My small household electrical appliances will not discriminate based on where the electrons are generated; the toast still gets deliciously crispy, the margarita still magically turns into an elixir that renders me helpless and the still still drips moonshine into the recycled milk jug.

  15. FakaktaSouth

    On this the date of Shakespeare's death, I would like to present a quote from the Tempest –
    "He that dies, pays all debts."

    Just think about it Newt

  16. V572 Fehrnstrom

    So the holder of the domain name is Demos Chrissos, "people of Christ" apparently, and according to the LinkedIn description, he is a "hands-on audio/video editor." How does that work? Does he move the atoms of iron or silicon around on the disks or tapes with his hands somehow? Does he have very good eyesight and very tiny hands?

    This is the real news in this post, I think.

    1. sullivanst

      Hey, he never said what his hands were on. There's an awful lot of hands-on video "editors" on the internet.

    2. not that Dewey

      "Very few cartoons actually go out live, Homer. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists."

  17. anniegetyerfun

    It could have been much worse – he could have gone for a .org address like some fucking communist.

  18. Callyson

    OT alert from Yahoo! News:

    Bill Lee, the Sanford, Fla., police chief who last month left his post temporarily amid criticism of his handling of the Trayvon Martin case, plans to step down permanently, according to CNN.

    Don't let the door hit you on the way out, asshole…

        1. Negropolis

          Apparently, the mayor, who'd earlier voted for a motion of no confidence against him, flipped. Asshole. They can either pay, today, or they can pay with their own jobs, tomorrow. Looks like they chose the latter. So be it.

          Whatever side of the issue you're on, it should be obvious that one of the things that we know for sure is that the police chief comically botched the investigation. This was a softball they should have hit out of the park.

  19. rickmaci

    Newt, you managed to whore us for an excess five minutes of attention but now your time really is up. So I will tell you nicely. GTFO. Peace.

  20. Steverino247

    But in other news, the chocolate ration has increased from 20 to 25 grams per week. Doubleplusgood!

  21. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "The Center for Health Transformation, a health care think tank established by Newt Gingrich, has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The center has liabilities between $1 million and $10 million to from 50 and 99 creditors, according to federal court filings."

    Does anybody know how many millions of dollars in obligations the "Party of Personal Responsibility" and it's so-called "leaders" have welshed on?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Corporations are people, my friend. Until they go bankrupt. Then they magically dissolve leaving no trace of responsibility.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          This is how the Terminator series begins. Corporate autonomy. But we still have time to stop it.

          Or, how I learned to stop worrying & love Dred Scott.

    1. jesus_vs_gojira

      And climate science is such a lucrative scam. Not like having to scrape by as a Fannie Mae advisor.

    2. Negropolis

      And then they blame the president for scrapping publically-funded shuttle missions to the ISS.

  22. ElPinche

    Who is thine behemoth fecal cauldron of which ye speaketh of? I thoughteth ye fat fuck was slained by thee Bullion Prince of Mormon Currency? I art confused as Fuck, my lady!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Or it's the left-leaning thermometer people conspiring with the socialist fever industry to make you think you're getting warm. Plus, I heard on Faux News that that Al Gore took aspirin once … what more proof do you need?

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    I'll bet that site has already had 4 or 5 million hits, from all his Twitter followers.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Judging from the shit that comes out of his mouth his asshole's output must be incredibly foul and disgusting.

  24. TheGyrus

    Only Newt can provide the bold vision that will lead us back to the economic conditions of January, 2009!

  25. mrblifil

    I don't like the way that arrow is aiming right for Bamz's head. I would suggest getting Secret Service involved, but I think Newt's been the one lining them up with cheap whores.

    1. iburl

      If, by "away", you mean, national book tour and international whore diamond shopping blitz, yes.

  26. fuflans

    well, he may be OBAMA FAIL but to me he is still so fine.

    also newt is just a fat haz been with an ego bigger than his rotund mid section.

      1. commiebro

        Yeah, that's pretty good. Personally I'm split between "whiny-ass titty-baby" and "amoral chocolate-sucking anus". They're all quite apt, though, and one hundred percent culled from these pages.

  27. Troglodeity

    I hope that graphic artist got paid in advance. Newt can barely afford the fee for a GoDaddy .net site by now.

  28. Negropolis

    A, yes. Let us go back to the January 2009. Times were so simple, then. When you were asked "soup or salad", it was because you were at the food pantry.

  29. misanthrope

    In what the fuck hillbilly hellhole was gas $1.92 in 2009?!?!?!? Is this why people live in the south?!

  30. fuflans

    well, the falco i know means you are likely a baby and missed the wonders of 'der kommissar' and 'rock me amadeus'.

    full disclosure i love falco.

  31. sullivanst

    OK seriously faulty memory of the 80s and lazy googling on my part resulted in a Vienna / Vienna Calling conflation. Falco is not Ultravox and I shall now slink away in shame.

Comments are closed.