Gypsy grifter Newt Gingrich is not done having Big Ideas, like his latest, putting up a MEAN website about one President Disgraceful, in which Ol’ Bamz over there looks down with sadness on his miserable failure of a presidency. Like this nifty chart (pictured!), which shows how once, for about a week, gas, like freedom, cost a buck oh five, mostly because nobody was driving to work at their factory jobs because they had no jobs and no factories. And now that gas is the same as it pretty much has been (excepting that one flukey height-of-the-recession week), Newton is explaining to everybody that blahblahblah nobody cares it is all childish make-believe nonsense. ALGAE! NOM NOM NOM!
Anyhoo, Newton had to get his embarrassing “.net” website because he could not get ObamaFailures.com because it is already registered to this guy, and he must have known about Newt’s problems with check-kiting and must have asked Newt for cash up front before he would sign it over. (The obamafailures.com is blank, by the way.) If Newt Gingrich would just legally change his name to “Obama Failures,” he would have a pretty good case to bring for cybersquatting. [ObamaFailures.net]
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Seriously?
He's going to try to pin the blame of gas prices rising on the fact that the Keystone Pipeline was rejected?
And now gas prices are going back down on a daily basis here in the Midwest, what is he going to blame that on?
what is he going to blame that on?
That Americans think there will be a GOP President next year?
Black people buying too much of the gasoline?
Those gas-guzzling welfare, Cadillac queens. I knew it all along!
Oh, I bet he will say it is a misprint. "Ass prices are going up and BO is to blame."
Ass prices should be at rock bottom given the enormous oversupply…
Well, that has to be because of the BigAss lobby. Figures.
Those guys are ubiquitous. In Washington, everywhere you look, you see a big-ass lobby.
Yes, because if they'd approved the pipeline, OPEC would have said "Oh noes, It's XL!! let's lower our prices immediately!!"
If you look at the chart, you can see the line doesn't even start until the keystone decision. Makes sense to me! Does it to you?
The 2007-2011 period is irrelevant errata twisted by the liberal media…
He's not going to blame it on anybody. He will, however, blame Obama for taking away the livelihoods of mom 'n' pop gasoline vendors by artificially lowering gas prices, because communism.
Obama is such a failure he even fails at failing.
Keystone Beer
OMG! I used to drink that crap! It was so bad that I once sent a simple off for lab analysis. The report came back: your horse has diabetes.
Obama is stoking the fires of Gas Warfare.
No one truly knows the horrors of Gas Warfare until they've been on the tail-end of a Gingrich fart. Many a brave man and woman was lost in those Gas Wars.
I'm so sick of this gas prices shit. yes, gas prices were low in 2009. what were they in 2008 again? or 2007? or 2006? 'cause I remember $5 a gallon gas while bush was still pres.
And I remember thinking, "Gee, I'd better start adapting to high gas prices in case they go up again" around that same time.
Well, I seem to remember Obama being president that week. Or causing it retroactively or something. Either way: NOBAMA! Bush 2012!!11!
He wasn't Prez then. But he used his Kenyan Muslim Voodoo to raise prices just like he does now.
This year, I haven't seen it even as expensive as it was in 2005. That's the year I bought a diesel-powered pickup, so naturally that was the year cheney's diabolical plans came to fruition.
The price of gas did drop pretty far when the economy collapsed during the Bush Administration. I guess that's what they're aiming for again?
When is Newt gonna take advantage of the newly available .fraud domain name?
I was thinking Newt would be after the .XXX, to find a wife to replace Callista.
I might click ObamaFailures.xxx. If you know what I mean.
Who?
And yet, DeBeers is up 50% last year. Thanks Newt!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2012/feb/10/de…
DO WHAT I DO DUMBASS: BIKE TO WORK!
Or like lucky me, walk.
My domestic partner-unit literally has only to walk across the alley behind our house to get to his current place of work. He's been saving over $200 a month because he doesn't have the commute he had at his previous job.
Of course, the best is being able to work right at home, which is what I currently do. I don't have to even bathe or shave!
*sniffs* What's that smell?
Guess it's time to launder my PJs.
"My domestic partner-unit literally has only to walk across the alley behind our house to get to his current place of work."
Gawd, I just realized how that sounds. No, his line or work doesn't involve sex worker-type stuff. He works at a funeral home so I hope the hell it doesn't involve sex.
Just leave them on the floor.
I ride the liberal, elitest subway to work. On weekends I drive my 12 year old Civic that gets 34 mpg to the Whole Foods. I'm such a pile of scum.
Why, you're worse than Hitler.
Well, you use contraception, so you're evil.
That was you I waved at? Hot.
That's so funny, I too ride the liberal elitist subway to work.
I'm guessing the homeless that occasionally clear certain cars on my N-Train must also be liberals. And elitists.
They just have that dishevelled look that's so hip in the East Village these days.
I hope someone registers newtfailures.com and places this Wonkette post as the first post there.
newtsfailures.com IS available.
EDIT: so is newtfailures.com………..
# 1 failure is "Zero Budgets Passed."
Gee, that's hardly wonky at all. People will really get behind an issue like that.
If you're wonky enough to get behind an issue like that, you're probably also wonky enough to know that Newt's assertion is a complete and utter fucking lie.
Exactly. First place, the President doesn't "pass" a budget; Congress does. And the government hasn't been shutting down, so that means Congress has been passing budgets. And budgets are never exactly what the President proposed, they're always a mix of what the President proposed and what Congress wants. Which is exactly what has been happening with Obama. As you say, 100% BS, and Newt knows it. He's a fat moron who was denied tenure by a roadside college in Georgia, and that's what passes for an "intellectual" in today's Republicrat party.
Bah. My first attempt at a reply must've included a word on the censor's list of doom. Pretty sure I mentioned no part of the firing mechanism of a gun, so I have no idea what it was.
Anyway… Congress can pass a budget but fail to pass appropriations bills, which would force a shutdown. Conversely, Congress can fail to pass a budget resolution but continue appropriating within limits laid out in the last budget that did pass, which will not force a shutdown – this is what's been happening during the infamous 1,000-something days of lame talking points. While the Senate hasn't passed a budget resolution since 2010, it did pass the Budget Control Act of 2011, which does everything a budget would do, except any attempt by Congress to override it would face the President's veto power, which a normal budget wouldn't. So, there's that.
According to the Congressional Research Service, in both 2009 and 2010, the Senate-originated budget resolution and its House companion measure passed both chambers. So that's four budget resolutions that have been passed while Obama's President, plus the Budget Control Act. That means that Newt is telling wholesale, easily and objectively provable lies. Because he's a big fat liar.
PS. I think I worked out what my naughty word was: the compound of "out" and the opposite of left. Silly censor.
What does that even mean? Srsly.
Where is the graph showing Newt’s logarithmic decline after everyone learned about his $1.6 million Fannie Mae & Freddie gig and his $500,000 credit line at Tiffany’s?
I'm not sure that you can graph a line that is already so far in the negative to begin with. You end up receding into a place that math can't go.
Like Newt's wang.
for that he's got the trans-va-jay-jay calculator
It was the dial up internet era when Newt had been already thoroughly discredited.
There are lots of events from January 2012 that you could plot on that graph to imply a causal relationship. Bachmann left the primary race on January 4th. Clearly, the suspension of her campaign resulted in the increase in gas prices.
"NewtFailures" would be a Viagra site.
Actually, pretty much any news station these days.
Or his online checking account.
Newt had to settle on ObamaFailures.net because his first two choices, ObamaFailures.com and IAmAFuckingLyingPhilanderingAssholeWithNoChanceofBeingPresidentEver
InABillionYearsBecauseEveryoneHatesMyCorruptPudgyAss.com
were already taken.
It's not all failures from Obama, Newt. His "unleash the penguins" program did quite well.
The Kraken was busy with the Greek economy…
I am envisioning commissioner Gordon saying "release the penguin!".
I am wondering if Romney, Santorum, Gingrich, Bachmann, and Cain calling for an invasion of Iran has a positive effect on gas prices?
Well, if you can't improve gas prices, the least you can do is cause a massive, simultaneous erection among your war-mongering voters.
Only if you hold Futures Contracts!
They have internets on the moon?
I bet there's oil in the moon. And Newt is so smart he could get it for us.
I bet there is oil in the Newt. And the moon is so smart it could get it for us.*
*You know with gravitational pull and all.
I'd be willing to pay higher taxes to develop a rocket to send Newt there and get it.
As long as he promises not to come back until he's extracted at least 1 million bbl.
He's excreted 1 million nonsensical babbles, does that count?
Light, sweet crude or
GSTFO.Could I just pay the AMT and not deduct anything, if that means said rocket lacks the ability to return? Seems a fair compromise.
Just think of the jobs he would create building that pipeline!
Don't have to go to all that trouble. Harpoon him, strip the blubber, render him down in a big pot. Good for ten barrels at least. Let's see, at $100+ per barrel, whoa, that's a grand. Might pay some of that back rent in Minnesota. Problem solved.
Problem is, Tiffany's has first claim to that cash.
I bet it's Obama's fault that my internet connection was working badly last night and much of today too.
That's what happens when you spend all day on newtfailures.xxx
I just hope the only videos that come up when looking for "newt porn" just feature salamanders fucking.
Got curious and checked–here's the first thing Google pulls:
How Newt Gingrich Saved Porn
In the 1990s, the speaker of the House fought against censorship of sexually explicit materials on the internet.
http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/12/how-newt-…
At least back then, he knew how to please his constituents…
Afraid not. From his website, Newt and his first wife. See below
http://www.blog.joelx.com/walrus-mating-at-seawor…
SB has too much meat for the Internet to handle when he's using an HD webcam, obviously.
Didn't Fox News already debunk these president-causes-gas-prices myths?
Wait, forgot the rules of economics change when Democrats are in charge, like how unemployment rose more under Bush than Obama, or its not ok to blame 10% unemployment on the previous administration unless you're talking about Ronald Reagan.
Fuckers.
That's impressive. I can even hear Hannity describing the chart in my head.
More auto-awesomeness from Newt "the car won't start unless you blow the driver" Gingrich.
Dang, Newt still has enough cash for a website? I thought he pissed it all away on jewelry and two toileted hotel suites and lame ass ads. He must've recieved a fresh check from some conservative sucker (oops!) I mean patriotic like-minded individual. I wonder if Callista will notice when the diamonds turn to cubic zirconia and the gold to gold flashing. She probably will, but has aged enough to stick with Newtie since there aren't a whole lot of people in the market for worn out mistresses.
Do we know whether the check to his ISP has cleared yet?
Dear Newt,
If US oil production is inversely related to pump prices, why did the pump price drop throughout the 80's and 90's while domestic US production dropped also?
Love ,
Pith
Reagan, obv.
Mrs. Reagan using her Psykic Voodoo to hold the prices down…
Come on, hackers, this is too good an opportunity to pass up…
Send Newt a video endorsement that invokes Poe's Law … chances are good it will make it into his next advertisement.
Also, wouldn't it there fore make strategic sense to produce domestic energy by any means? A kilowatt is a kilowatt my friend. My small household electrical appliances will not discriminate based on where the electrons are generated; the toast still gets deliciously crispy, the margarita still magically turns into an elixir that renders me helpless and the still still drips moonshine into the recycled milk jug.
Can I move in with you?
There are TWENTY people who donated $10 to Newt. That is 25 more than I originally guessed.
http://www.obamafailures.net/wall/
Why they can get four photos of Newt with that money!
I signed up. Jism Splooge at jism@gmail.com.
SorosBot just signed up as Truk Nutz. He's very excited.
MikeHawkstrong@yahoo.com is in.
Rancid Cuntlapper is on board: RCLapper@yahoo.com
Tiffany Hordiamonds is on the Newt Bandwagon!
penguins suck, penguinsuck2@gmail.com
On this the date of Shakespeare's death, I would like to present a quote from the Tempest –
"He that dies, pays all debts."
Just think about it Newt
me i think: 'rudesby be gone' works quite well.
So the holder of the domain name is Demos Chrissos, "people of Christ" apparently, and according to the LinkedIn description, he is a "hands-on audio/video editor." How does that work? Does he move the atoms of iron or silicon around on the disks or tapes with his hands somehow? Does he have very good eyesight and very tiny hands?
This is the real news in this post, I think.
Hey, he never said what his hands were on. There's an awful lot of hands-on video "editors" on the internet.
"Very few cartoons actually go out live, Homer. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists."
It could have been much worse – he could have gone for a .org address like some fucking communist.
Enough about Newt's squatting, cyber or otherwise!
OT alert from Yahoo! News:
Bill Lee, the Sanford, Fla., police chief who last month left his post temporarily amid criticism of his handling of the Trayvon Martin case, plans to step down permanently, according to CNN.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out, asshole…
"Chief Lee, you have a call from the Romney 2012 Campaign…"
Bill the Chief is the new Samuel Wurzelbacher.
But the city manager or whatever refused his resignation. Ugh.
Le sigh…
What are the details? Did he ask for fat pensions or other generous perks?
Apparently, the mayor, who'd earlier voted for a motion of no confidence against him, flipped. Asshole. They can either pay, today, or they can pay with their own jobs, tomorrow. Looks like they chose the latter. So be it.
Whatever side of the issue you're on, it should be obvious that one of the things that we know for sure is that the police chief comically botched the investigation. This was a softball they should have hit out of the park.
Newt, you managed to whore us for an excess five minutes of attention but now your time really is up. So I will tell you nicely. GTFO. Peace.
But in other news, the chocolate ration has increased from 20 to 25 grams per week. Doubleplusgood!
"The Center for Health Transformation, a health care think tank established by Newt Gingrich, has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The center has liabilities between $1 million and $10 million to from 50 and 99 creditors, according to federal court filings."
Does anybody know how many millions of dollars in obligations the "Party of Personal Responsibility" and it's so-called "leaders" have welshed on?
Corporations are people, my friend. Until they go bankrupt. Then they magically dissolve leaving no trace of responsibility.
If corporations are people, isn't owning shares prohibited by the 13th Amendment?
This is how the Terminator series begins. Corporate autonomy. But we still have time to stop it.
Or, how I learned to stop worrying & love Dred Scott.
Well, NASA *is* one of those bloated socialist librul gubmit-czar agencies…
And climate science is such a lucrative scam. Not like having to scrape by as a Fannie Mae advisor.
And then they blame the president for scrapping publically-funded shuttle missions to the ISS.
Who is thine behemoth fecal cauldron of which ye speaketh of? I thoughteth ye fat fuck was slained by thee Bullion Prince of Mormon Currency? I art confused as Fuck, my lady!
It goes beyond "believing." I showed this to a teabagger acquaintance: http://www.skepticalscience.com/images/Milankovit…
and he insists there's "no correlation."
These fuckwits are willingly blind to reality. And yet, we let them vote.
charts and numbers make my head hurt
Or it's the left-leaning thermometer people conspiring with the socialist fever industry to make you think you're getting warm. Plus, I heard on Faux News that that Al Gore took aspirin once … what more proof do you need?
Shirley, he jests.
I'll bet that site has already had 4 or 5 million hits, from all his Twitter followers.
I get nausea when I think of Newt and gas.
Judging from the shit that comes out of his mouth his asshole's output must be incredibly foul and disgusting.
If Newt did any kind of squatting he would need a large crew to get back up.
Only Newt can provide the bold vision that will lead us back to the economic conditions of January, 2009!
Is SendNewtToTheMoonOneWay.com taken?
I don't like the way that arrow is aiming right for Bamz's head. I would suggest getting Secret Service involved, but I think Newt's been the one lining them up with cheap whores.
He will go away (for a while) after Tampa, right?
If, by "away", you mean, national book tour and international whore diamond shopping blitz, yes.
He'll sign a book for $50.
well, he may be OBAMA FAIL but to me he is still so fine.
also newt is just a fat haz been with an ego bigger than his rotund mid section.
So he revolves in orbit around his own ego? I always thought it vice versa.
Here's a fun table: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/pub?key=0AlOc…
My fav is: human set of deflated bagpipes.
Yeah, that's pretty good. Personally I'm split between "whiny-ass titty-baby" and "amoral chocolate-sucking anus". They're all quite apt, though, and one hundred percent culled from these pages.
Someone has already signed up with the address: newtsnextwife@aol.com.
trust anybody named: " Demos Chrissos"?
Jesus Christ no!
I hope that graphic artist got paid in advance. Newt can barely afford the fee for a GoDaddy .net site by now.
I can't take any man seriously who has to stand on a mirror to see his dick.
A, yes. Let us go back to the January 2009. Times were so simple, then. When you were asked "soup or salad", it was because you were at the food pantry.
Got Gas?
//Newtie lets out a Silent But Deadly
In what the fuck hillbilly hellhole was gas $1.92 in 2009?!?!?!? Is this why people live in the south?!
Whuuu??? This means nothing to me…
Alle ist klar, Herr Kommissar?
well, the falco i know means you are likely a baby and missed the wonders of 'der kommissar' and 'rock me amadeus'.
full disclosure i love falco.
RIP Falco, the first Viennese rapper.
OK seriously faulty memory of the 80s and lazy googling on my part resulted in a Vienna / Vienna Calling conflation. Falco is not Ultravox and I shall now slink away in shame.
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