the horror

Louisiana Foster Kids Saved From Horror of Loving Homes

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Beaver! BATON ROUGE, LA – A local House Committee in Baton Rouge saved the last little pocket of American innocence on Tuesday. A proposal that would have allowed gay couples and straight unmarried couples and other ungodless folk (Wiccans?) to adopt children together in Louisiana has been defeated, with the House Civil Law and Procedure Committee voting 9-2 against HB 1081.

Foster kids have it really good and the thought of subjecting them to a loving household without a marriage certificate is unthinkable. To make matters worse, passage of this bill would have forced some children to live in a house where parents have the same genitals! Who is the sicko responsible for trying to hurt these kids? It is Rep. Jared Brossett, known child hater and endorser of same-genital co-existence (Democrat).

Rep. Brossett’s voting record shows a history of shameless child hurting. He doesn’t seem to grasp the idea that foster children are living the dream, with fancy meals, “education,” and the Pippi Longstocking-like freedom that comes without parental guidance. Rep. Brossett may have tried to kick the door down waving his rainbow flag but America was waiting on the other side with bible and flag ready to unravel the ties between child and ‘un-married gay love Satan’.

Those on the side of evil feel people should be encouraged to adopt children if they can offer loving homes and secure environments. Good people say unmarried couples are unstable and the bill could tie children to boyfriends or girlfriends who don’t stay in a relationship long-term. There is absolutely no other way to ensure stability in a household than standing before God and promising to not bump uglies with anyone else. And homosexual parental love? Children do not need to be gay by association.

Nice try, Rep. Brossett. You been JESUSED! [Edge New York]

About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they can send those kids to stay in Mississippi.

    • valgal2342

      I just got back from a business trip to Mississippi earlier this week. Good God, it's freaking warped down there. And I'm from KY!

  • Beetagger

    Maybe there's some kindly Catholic priest who can take the little fellows in.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      In to what?

      • EtchySketchy

        The "Confessional"

        • Man0nTheStreet

          When do they get kids in the Rectory and the Seminary?

    • Baconzgood

      (Rim Shot)

  • hagajim

    Standing before God and promising not to bump uglies with anyone else? That doesn't provide any fucking stability. What a mope!

    • Man0nTheStreet

      That might explain this sanctimonious country's 50% divorce rate, even among "Devout" Xtians in "Committed and Sanctified Biblical Marriages" – God sees right through that bullshit!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Let's ask professional foster mom Michele Bachmann what she thinks. NOT.

    • JustPixelz

      She knows a lot about gay marriage. But not the way most people interpret that term.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If those orphans have good foster homes, then who will shuck the oysters, shell the no-eyed shrimp, and steam-clean the chemical vats at the plants along Cancer Alley?

  • CapnFatback

    Get with the times, Louisiana! Why settle for one Beaver in the household, when, should lesbians be able to adopt, you can have at least two?!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ward to June: I'll just stay home and help the boys pack fudge.
      (Actual line)

      • chicken_thief

        They were going to repeat it on the Brady Bunch but Robert Reed kept laughing too hard…

    • Wilcoxyz

      Uhhh, here in Louisiana, we have nutria. Cajun beavers. Not regular beavers, more your low-rent, nice fur, swamp-dweller. Very moist. Not making any of this up.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, who doesn't like moist beaver-like things?

        • Fare la Volpe

          I'm not a big fan of furry beaver.

          Practice good hygiene – spay and shave your beaver!

    • Baconzgood

      I remember a Leave It to Beaver episode once were June said "You were really rough on the Beaver last night Ward." Even my Ma bust out laughing.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sure, plenty of kids would've taken happiness over ideological purity — but we wouldn't want them regretting living in a stable, loving, two-parents-of-the-same-sex household when they were burning forever in hell now, would we?

  • BarackMyWorld

    As someone raised by heterosexual parents, I am healthy and well adjusted enough know how to get my anti-depressants refilled at a pharmacy.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Did they push their twisted heterosexual-agenda "life"-style on you?

  • ChernobylSoup

    100: The percentage of foster kids I have taken in because their straight parents got busted using and/or manufacturing meth.

    We've even had a set of fraternal twins who had different biological fathers. If that isn't some heterosexual family values I don't know what is.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Their mother valued variety and "community service", that's fer sure!

    • Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      You are a truly wonderful person.

  • SorosBot

    This is bad news for the Tanner family!

    • MissTaken

      Cut it out.

    • Baconzgood

      My Two Dads and Kate and Allie too also.

      • SorosBot

        I was thinking of making a My Two Dads reference, but then even I couldn't remember the name of the not-Paul-Reiser dad and figured that nobody else would either.

        • Baconzgood

          That was BJ from BJ and the Bear wasn't it?

          EDIT: Just googled it….NAILED IT! HE WAS! Baconz=Winner! (or is it loser for knowing that?)

          • SorosBot

            BJ and the Bear? Never heard of that one; and I'm a big-time TV nerd.

      • doloras

        There was that one ep where Kate and Allie *pretended* to be a couple.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I was raised by two women and I turned out just fucking fine.
    Thanks Mom. Thanks Grandma.
    My life was wonderful until Mom got remarried. That guy was an asshole.

    • Callyson

      Me too, though fortunately my mom didn't remarry.

      Thanks Mom, and thanks, grandma!

  • Baconzgood

    Good for them. Nothing sais stable family like a marriage. Just ask my kids and my Ex-Wife, they'll tell you.

  • owhatever

    Living in a foster home with 23 brothers and sisters, out on the bayou, what could go wrong?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Swamp Thing!
      Now go ask Uncle Grampa how that happened…

      • SorosBot

        Now that man-on-man sex is legal, Earth-elemental-plant-monster-on-woman sex will be next!

        • Man0nTheStreet

          Damn tree-huggin' libruls – always pushin' the envelope!

  • MissTaken

    All of the fucked up, maladjusted people I've known where children of open heterosexuals. Stop opposite sex breeding!

    • Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Absolutely. YAY!

      Srsly, scientists are finally openly saying STOP BREEDING PEOPLE! We're fucking our world over faster than we can fix it.

  • EtchySketchy

    Prospective parent's should be required to follow Newt Gingrich's inspiring example and show three marriage certificates.

  • JustPixelz

    I assume these people also are all pro-life y'all. They need to decide if they hate abortion more than they hate gay adoption.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well the Sheriff got wind that Amos
    was in the swamp tracking alligator skin
    So he snuck in the swamp
    gonna get the boy
    but he never come out again
    Well, I wonder where the
    Louisiana Sheriff went to?
    You can sure get lost
    in the Louisiana Bayou

    About forty-five minutes
    southeast of Thibodeaux, Louisiana
    Lived a cat called Doc Milsap
    and his pretty wife Hanna
    Well, they raised up a son who
    could eat up his weight in groceries
    Named him after a man of the cloth
    called him Amos Moses

    • mrpuma2u

      Poke salad Annie,
      Gators got your lesbian granny….

  • plinthic

    If gay people can't have foster children, then why does Marcus Bachmann have like fifteen?

  • Terry

    "Good people say unmarried couples are unstable"

    Because married people always are stable and stay together until death do them part.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Just ask Newt Gingrich, the poster boy for marital stability!

    • GOPCrusher

      You see them on Cops every week.

    • Baconzgood

      Or Cancer.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      …because one of them kills the other!

  • smokefilledroommate

    And Jared Brossett as the Beaver..

  • MrFizzy

    Bobby Jindal has two sets of different genitals, and that should be the model. Jeebus's word.

  • Wilcoxyz

    You want to see family values? Swamp People, folks.

  • FakaktaSouth

    See, this here. This is the stupidity I cannot deal with and I start looking around for stuff I can sell before we move. You know that part of the movie Airplane, where the lady starts freaking out…I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!
    That is what this makes me feel like. This kind of stupid is so horrible, I just can't deal with it really.

    • Biff

      Living as I do in the Dust Bowl of Nevada, I feel your pain.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I don't know why this particular kind of nonsense bothers me more than every other embarrassing thing that Alabama does on a Tuesday, it's just the terrible effects of this policy are tangible, I guess? I don't understand this kind of pandering at all, because if you think the dicks that make these kinds of laws give two rats asses who raises the poor kids in foster care – I mean, just, no. BUT they are willing to sacrifice actual kids here to promote themselves in a Christian light, AND IT WORKS for God's sake. It is BIZARRE.

  • Schmannnity

    Louisiana was a little hard on the Beaver last night.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I had about a dozen 'Pippi Longstocking' comments….but I'm gonna spare you all.

    • Mumbletypeg

      I'll be right over here when you're ready to share… just as soon as I'm done rinsing the egg yolk from my hair. Plus, it's kinda hard to hear you when I'm rockin' the kitchen floor with my scrubbrushes on my feet..

  • Trannysurprise

    These kids have no one to blame but themselves. Perhaps if they got a job cleaning up schools or quit crying like little bitches when the TSA rapes them, normal straight people would consider adopting them and not just leave them for the homo's and Wiccans.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Then there's this classic line from Walter Hill, 30 years ago:
    "Well, you know how it is, down here in Louisiana, we don't carry guns, we carry ropes, RC colas and moon pies; we're not too smart, but we have a real good time."

  • widestanceromance

    Hey, Brossett, aim your Google Machine at "Every child deserves a mother and a father" sometime.

    What I want to know is, what will save these foster kids from Louisiana?

  • Chow Yun Flat

    No wonder private juvenile prisons are a growth industry in the south.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Well we've good as outsourced (us straight folk) monogamy to gheys in longterm relationships and shortchanged our children with the heinous examples of committed spousal harmony slapped upside the marriage certificate. If we're the free market paragon we're always crowing about, I can't for the life of me understand why we don't just outsource the care of our difficult-to-adopt urchins, too. By God, the pressure to perform is making my jaded hidey tired. Let someone else pick up & run with the ball.
    Now excuse me while i go file adoption papers for another purebred (no matter if it's inbred) maltese terrier to add to my collection …. and finish that latest episode of the cooking show I've recorded on the DVR for recipes I never bother to try making…

  • Callyson

    Meanwhile, the quiz on the right hand side of this article:

    Do you believe that state government does enough to support struggling working families?

    I'm going to go with "fuck to the no" for my response…

  • Chichikovovich

    No snark, or only residual traces. Everything but names is 100% true.

    My son – I'd call him Chichikovovichovich but that's a lot of letters so I'll call him Junior- is a few months away from his sixteenth birthday, and he has just started up with his first serious girlfriend Faith. Faith has been raised in a wingnut Christian home with seven children and was sent to wingnut Christian elementary and middle school, though she's now in a public high school. She's a lovely girl, but lately her drift away from wingnut Christianity has accelerated due to the fact that her bible-spouting, every-Sunday-church-attending gay-marriage-hating father had a torrid affair last fall with another member of their church and dumped his wife of 20-odd years, leaving her (in a state that can only be described as "complete nervous breakdown") to take care of the six kids who are still living at home. Why only six still living at home? Well, because after Daddy dumped homewrecking mistress n and moved on to mistress n plus 1,* wingnut Christian churchgoing mistress n took up with Faith's oldest brother.

    The whole think has been, as you might expect, a terrible strain on Faith, whose grades last term predictably crashed, but she's pulling herself together, and I've been proud of how supportive and socially astute Junior has been about it.

    Just imagine how much worse it would have been if she had been raised by a loving, stable gay couple.

    [*I don't say "mistress 1" and "mistress 2" because apparently there were several before them who are only now being learned about.]

    • Naked_Bunny

      Christians aren't perfect, but they are forgiven! And very fucked up.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      My son – I'd call him Chichikovovichovich but that's a lot of letters so I'll call him Junior

      So if Chichikovovichovich moved to Iceland, got married and had a daughter would she be known as "Chichikovovichovichsdottir?" Because that would be seriously cool, in a cross-cultural kind of way.

    • George Spelvin

      Darrell Issa supports your use of induction.

      Also, your comment calls to mind one of the great unanswered questions of Intense Debate: on what blog does "Chichikov" post?

      • Chichikovovich

        ” on what blog does “Chichikov” post?”I wish I knew — probably someone took the name, posted twice and then went dormant. If you should comes across him, let him know I'll send him a bottle of quality vodka for the Intense Debate rights to that name.—

  • Biff

    Needz moar Orphan Trainz.

  • Come here a minute

    As Jesus said, "Blessed be the orphans, better no parents than gay parents."

  • poorgradstudent

    Why can't secular humanists accept that the semantics of the word marriage are more important than the happiness and well-being of countless adults and children?

  • Naked_Bunny

    My wife was bumped from foster home to foster home as a child. The Christian fundy ones were the worst.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Foster the Sheeple.

  • DahBoner

    In Louisiana, every loving home has a balcony, and plenty of beads to throw…

  • ttommyunger

    Jared Brossett? I'm just including this moron's full name in the hopes that it will pop up on his google alert. Yes, Jared, you are a fucking moron.

    • George Spelvin

      Mm, Tommy, Jared was the one trying to allow gays and unmarrieds to adopt, I think.

      Admittedly, he could be a moron for thinking such a bill could possibly pass in Looziana, but his heart was in the right place.

      • ttommyunger

        hmmm. Did I fuck up? Probably. No excuse, just dumb.

  • outragedcitizen

    I don't know whether to cry or scream with rage at the utter stupidity that seems to have taken over this country. All I know is it his hard to laugh…