THE HORROR  2:42 pm April 26, 2012

Louisiana Foster Kids Saved From Horror of Loving Homes

by Erik Jay

Beaver! BATON ROUGE, LA – A local House Committee in Baton Rouge saved the last little pocket of American innocence on Tuesday. A proposal that would have allowed gay couples and straight unmarried couples and other ungodless folk (Wiccans?) to adopt children together in Louisiana has been defeated, with the House Civil Law and Procedure Committee voting 9-2 against HB 1081.

Foster kids have it really good and the thought of subjecting them to a loving household without a marriage certificate is unthinkable. To make matters worse, passage of this bill would have forced some children to live in a house where parents have the same genitals! Who is the sicko responsible for trying to hurt these kids? It is Rep. Jared Brossett, known child hater and endorser of same-genital co-existence (Democrat).

Rep. Brossett’s voting record shows a history of shameless child hurting. He doesn’t seem to grasp the idea that foster children are living the dream, with fancy meals, “education,” and the Pippi Longstocking-like freedom that comes without parental guidance. Rep. Brossett may have tried to kick the door down waving his rainbow flag but America was waiting on the other side with bible and flag ready to unravel the ties between child and ‘un-married gay love Satan’.

Those on the side of evil feel people should be encouraged to adopt children if they can offer loving homes and secure environments. Good people say unmarried couples are unstable and the bill could tie children to boyfriends or girlfriends who don’t stay in a relationship long-term. There is absolutely no other way to ensure stability in a household than standing before God and promising to not bump uglies with anyone else. And homosexual parental love? Children do not need to be gay by association.

Nice try, Rep. Brossett. You been JESUSED! [Edge New York]

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BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Maybe they can send those kids to stay in Mississippi.

valgal2342 April 26, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I just got back from a business trip to Mississippi earlier this week. Good God, it's freaking warped down there. And I'm from KY!

Beetagger April 26, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Maybe there's some kindly Catholic priest who can take the little fellows in.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 2:49 pm

In to what?

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

The "Confessional"

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:01 pm

When do they get kids in the Rectory and the Seminary?

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

(Rim Shot)

hagajim April 26, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Standing before God and promising not to bump uglies with anyone else? That doesn't provide any fucking stability. What a mope!

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 2:52 pm

That might explain this sanctimonious country's 50% divorce rate, even among "Devout" Xtians in "Committed and Sanctified Biblical Marriages" – God sees right through that bullshit!

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Let's ask professional foster mom Michele Bachmann what she thinks. NOT.

JustPixelz April 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

She knows a lot about gay marriage. But not the way most people interpret that term.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm

If those orphans have good foster homes, then who will shuck the oysters, shell the no-eyed shrimp, and steam-clean the chemical vats at the plants along Cancer Alley?

CapnFatback April 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Get with the times, Louisiana! Why settle for one Beaver in the household, when, should lesbians be able to adopt, you can have at least two?!

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Ward to June: I'll just stay home and help the boys pack fudge.
(Actual line)

chicken_thief April 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm

They were going to repeat it on the Brady Bunch but Robert Reed kept laughing too hard…

Wilcoxyz April 26, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Uhhh, here in Louisiana, we have nutria. Cajun beavers. Not regular beavers, more your low-rent, nice fur, swamp-dweller. Very moist. Not making any of this up.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Well, who doesn't like moist beaver-like things?

Fare la Volpe April 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I'm not a big fan of furry beaver.

Practice good hygiene – spay and shave your beaver!

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I remember a Leave It to Beaver episode once were June said "You were really rough on the Beaver last night Ward." Even my Ma bust out laughing.

SayItWithWookies April 26, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Sure, plenty of kids would've taken happiness over ideological purity — but we wouldn't want them regretting living in a stable, loving, two-parents-of-the-same-sex household when they were burning forever in hell now, would we?

BarackMyWorld April 26, 2012 at 2:49 pm

As someone raised by heterosexual parents, I am healthy and well adjusted enough know how to get my anti-depressants refilled at a pharmacy.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Did they push their twisted heterosexual-agenda "life"-style on you?

ChernobylSoup April 26, 2012 at 2:49 pm

100: The percentage of foster kids I have taken in because their straight parents got busted using and/or manufacturing meth.

We've even had a set of fraternal twins who had different biological fathers. If that isn't some heterosexual family values I don't know what is.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Their mother valued variety and "community service", that's fer sure!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:16 pm

You are a truly wonderful person.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 2:50 pm

This is bad news for the Tanner family!

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Cut it out.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

My Two Dads and Kate and Allie too also.

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I was thinking of making a My Two Dads reference, but then even I couldn't remember the name of the not-Paul-Reiser dad and figured that nobody else would either.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm

That was BJ from BJ and the Bear wasn't it?

EDIT: Just googled it….NAILED IT! HE WAS! Baconz=Winner! (or is it loser for knowing that?)

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 6:42 pm

BJ and the Bear? Never heard of that one; and I'm a big-time TV nerd.

doloras April 26, 2012 at 7:08 pm

There was that one ep where Kate and Allie *pretended* to be a couple.

Native_of_SL_UT April 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I was raised by two women and I turned out just fucking fine.
Thanks Mom. Thanks Grandma.
My life was wonderful until Mom got remarried. That guy was an asshole.

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Me too, though fortunately my mom didn't remarry.

Thanks Mom, and thanks, grandma!

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Good for them. Nothing sais stable family like a marriage. Just ask my kids and my Ex-Wife, they'll tell you.

owhatever April 26, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Living in a foster home with 23 brothers and sisters, out on the bayou, what could go wrong?

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Swamp Thing!
Now go ask Uncle Grampa how that happened…

SorosBot April 26, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Now that man-on-man sex is legal, Earth-elemental-plant-monster-on-woman sex will be next!

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Damn tree-huggin' libruls – always pushin' the envelope!

MissTaken April 26, 2012 at 2:53 pm

All of the fucked up, maladjusted people I've known where children of open heterosexuals. Stop opposite sex breeding!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 26, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Absolutely. YAY!

Srsly, scientists are finally openly saying STOP BREEDING PEOPLE! We're fucking our world over faster than we can fix it.

EtchySketchy April 26, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Prospective parent's should be required to follow Newt Gingrich's inspiring example and show three marriage certificates.

JustPixelz April 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I assume these people also are all pro-life y'all. They need to decide if they hate abortion more than they hate gay adoption.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Well the Sheriff got wind that Amos
was in the swamp tracking alligator skin
So he snuck in the swamp
gonna get the boy
but he never come out again
Well, I wonder where the
Louisiana Sheriff went to?
You can sure get lost
in the Louisiana Bayou

About forty-five minutes
southeast of Thibodeaux, Louisiana
Lived a cat called Doc Milsap
and his pretty wife Hanna
Well, they raised up a son who
could eat up his weight in groceries
Named him after a man of the cloth
called him Amos Moses

mrpuma2u April 26, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Poke salad Annie,
Gators got your lesbian granny….

plinthic April 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm

If gay people can't have foster children, then why does Marcus Bachmann have like fifteen?

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm


Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Michele is the childrens' "Atom-Heart" Foster-Mother – Marcus is their "Gigolo Aunt"!

Terry April 26, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"Good people say unmarried couples are unstable"

Because married people always are stable and stay together until death do them part.

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Just ask Newt Gingrich, the poster boy for marital stability!

GOPCrusher April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You see them on Cops every week.

Baconzgood April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Or Cancer.

Man0nTheStreet April 26, 2012 at 3:12 pm

…because one of them kills the other!

smokefilledroommate April 26, 2012 at 2:56 pm

And Jared Brossett as the Beaver..

MrFizzy April 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Bobby Jindal has two sets of different genitals, and that should be the model. Jeebus's word.

Wilcoxyz April 26, 2012 at 2:59 pm

You want to see family values? Swamp People, folks.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm

See, this here. This is the stupidity I cannot deal with and I start looking around for stuff I can sell before we move. You know that part of the movie Airplane, where the lady starts freaking out…I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!
That is what this makes me feel like. This kind of stupid is so horrible, I just can't deal with it really.

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Living as I do in the Dust Bowl of Nevada, I feel your pain.

FakaktaSouth April 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I don't know why this particular kind of nonsense bothers me more than every other embarrassing thing that Alabama does on a Tuesday, it's just the terrible effects of this policy are tangible, I guess? I don't understand this kind of pandering at all, because if you think the dicks that make these kinds of laws give two rats asses who raises the poor kids in foster care – I mean, just, no. BUT they are willing to sacrifice actual kids here to promote themselves in a Christian light, AND IT WORKS for God's sake. It is BIZARRE.

Schmannnity April 26, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Louisiana was a little hard on the Beaver last night.

Blueb4sunrise April 26, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I had about a dozen 'Pippi Longstocking' comments….but I'm gonna spare you all.

Mumbletypeg April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I'll be right over here when you're ready to share… just as soon as I'm done rinsing the egg yolk from my hair. Plus, it's kinda hard to hear you when I'm rockin' the kitchen floor with my scrubbrushes on my feet..

Trannysurprise April 26, 2012 at 3:02 pm

These kids have no one to blame but themselves. Perhaps if they got a job cleaning up schools or quit crying like little bitches when the TSA rapes them, normal straight people would consider adopting them and not just leave them for the homo's and Wiccans.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Then there's this classic line from Walter Hill, 30 years ago:
"Well, you know how it is, down here in Louisiana, we don't carry guns, we carry ropes, RC colas and moon pies; we're not too smart, but we have a real good time."

widestanceromance April 26, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Hey, Brossett, aim your Google Machine at "Every child deserves a mother and a father" sometime.

What I want to know is, what will save these foster kids from Louisiana?

Chow Yun Flat April 26, 2012 at 3:13 pm

No wonder private juvenile prisons are a growth industry in the south.

Mumbletypeg April 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Well we've good as outsourced (us straight folk) monogamy to gheys in longterm relationships and shortchanged our children with the heinous examples of committed spousal harmony slapped upside the marriage certificate. If we're the free market paragon we're always crowing about, I can't for the life of me understand why we don't just outsource the care of our difficult-to-adopt urchins, too. By God, the pressure to perform is making my jaded hidey tired. Let someone else pick up & run with the ball.
Now excuse me while i go file adoption papers for another purebred (no matter if it's inbred) maltese terrier to add to my collection …. and finish that latest episode of the cooking show I've recorded on the DVR for recipes I never bother to try making…

Callyson April 26, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Meanwhile, the quiz on the right hand side of this article:

Do you believe that state government does enough to support struggling working families?

I'm going to go with "fuck to the no" for my response…

Chichikovovich April 26, 2012 at 3:20 pm

No snark, or only residual traces. Everything but names is 100% true.

My son – I'd call him Chichikovovichovich but that's a lot of letters so I'll call him Junior- is a few months away from his sixteenth birthday, and he has just started up with his first serious girlfriend Faith. Faith has been raised in a wingnut Christian home with seven children and was sent to wingnut Christian elementary and middle school, though she's now in a public high school. She's a lovely girl, but lately her drift away from wingnut Christianity has accelerated due to the fact that her bible-spouting, every-Sunday-church-attending gay-marriage-hating father had a torrid affair last fall with another member of their church and dumped his wife of 20-odd years, leaving her (in a state that can only be described as "complete nervous breakdown") to take care of the six kids who are still living at home. Why only six still living at home? Well, because after Daddy dumped homewrecking mistress n and moved on to mistress n plus 1,* wingnut Christian churchgoing mistress n took up with Faith's oldest brother.

The whole think has been, as you might expect, a terrible strain on Faith, whose grades last term predictably crashed, but she's pulling herself together, and I've been proud of how supportive and socially astute Junior has been about it.

Just imagine how much worse it would have been if she had been raised by a loving, stable gay couple.

[*I don't say "mistress 1" and "mistress 2" because apparently there were several before them who are only now being learned about.]

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Christians aren't perfect, but they are forgiven! And very fucked up.

Wile E. Quixote April 26, 2012 at 7:19 pm

My son – I'd call him Chichikovovichovich but that's a lot of letters so I'll call him Junior

So if Chichikovovichovich moved to Iceland, got married and had a daughter would she be known as "Chichikovovichovichsdottir?" Because that would be seriously cool, in a cross-cultural kind of way.

George Spelvin April 28, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Darrell Issa supports your use of induction.

Also, your comment calls to mind one of the great unanswered questions of Intense Debate: on what blog does "Chichikov" post?

Chichikovovich April 28, 2012 at 10:24 pm

” on what blog does “Chichikov” post?”I wish I knew — probably someone took the name, posted twice and then went dormant. If you should comes across him, let him know I'll send him a bottle of quality vodka for the Intense Debate rights to that name.—

Biff April 26, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Needz moar Orphan Trainz.

Come here a minute April 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

As Jesus said, "Blessed be the orphans, better no parents than gay parents."

poorgradstudent April 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Why can't secular humanists accept that the semantics of the word marriage are more important than the happiness and well-being of countless adults and children?

Naked_Bunny April 26, 2012 at 7:11 pm

My wife was bumped from foster home to foster home as a child. The Christian fundy ones were the worst.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Foster the Sheeple.

DahBoner April 26, 2012 at 11:55 pm

In Louisiana, every loving home has a balcony, and plenty of beads to throw…

ttommyunger April 27, 2012 at 8:51 am

Jared Brossett? I'm just including this moron's full name in the hopes that it will pop up on his google alert. Yes, Jared, you are a fucking moron.

George Spelvin April 28, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Mm, Tommy, Jared was the one trying to allow gays and unmarrieds to adopt, I think.

Admittedly, he could be a moron for thinking such a bill could possibly pass in Looziana, but his heart was in the right place.

ttommyunger April 28, 2012 at 10:54 pm

hmmm. Did I fuck up? Probably. No excuse, just dumb.

outragedcitizen April 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I don't know whether to cry or scream with rage at the utter stupidity that seems to have taken over this country. All I know is it his hard to laugh…

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