AMERICA'S GREATEST NEWS SOURCE  12:40 pm April 23, 2012

National Enquirer: Catfighting Michelle Obama Has ‘Claws Out’ For That Nice Ann Romney

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Pick a winner!Why is Michelle Obama such a fat bitch all the time? Why does she hate stay-at-home-moms? Why does she have her claws out for that nice Ann Romney? Why did she personally call up Hilary Rosen and force her to throw herself under a Million Mom Bus by saying that nice Ann Romney never worked a day in her life? What is up with her? The National Enquirer has the answer, and it is, we paraphrase, “because Michelle Obama is a fat bitch who hates stay-at-home moms and has her claws out for that nice Ann Romney, and also Hilary Rosen is a lesbian.”

Tell us all about it, National Enquirer!

[B]ehind the scenes, [Michelle Obama's] fingerprints were all over the scandal, said an inside source.

“Michelle had her claws out to get Ann, but it quickly backfired and Barack was livid when he heard she had secretly directed the attack,” said the source.

“What Michelle didn’t remember was that when Barack was running for president, he told ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ that it was unfair to attack Michelle, saying his wife was off limits. Here they were, however, doing the same thing to Romney’s wife four years later.

“But even though Michelle was the instigator, the political grenade blew up in the president’s face.”

[...]

“Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,” said the source.

“Behind the scenes, Michelle has vented that she worked hard as a lawyer in addition to being a mom.

She also made jokes about Ann Romney ‘working at leading a rich lifestyle,’ includ­ing the fact that Ann competes in horse shows.

“Michelle is determined to do whatever it takes to keep her husband in the White House. She’s learned politics is a dirty business. It’s only a matter of time before she comes up with another plan to go after Ann.”

BUT ANN, 63 – a dedicated homemaker who’s been married to the former Massa­chusetts governor for 43 years – is getting the last laugh in the first face-off of what promises to be a months-long catfight. She’s stepped up to become a champion for the rights of stay-at-home moms.

“My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

Why does Michelle Obama hate moms, and America? [NationalEnquirer, via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 130 comments }

Oblios_Cap April 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

“Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

Quotes like this are the reason that I get all of my news from the Enquirer.

HateMachine April 23, 2012 at 2:22 pm

And the fact that it's from "an inside source," thereafter referred to as "the source" completely sells it.

What makes an 'inside source' for the Enquirer? Does one of their writers stick their head up their own ass and then provide the quote?

MaxUdargo April 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Well, if we're going to take FOX News seriously, we might as well treat the Enquirer as a legitimate news source as well.

Gratuitous World April 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"Poor Ann Romney."
words that should never be uttered.

iburl April 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

But, she never knows when it could all go away and she could be begging on a street corner somewhere.

OC_Surf_Serf April 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Grat, she only has one car elevator for her two Cadillacs…

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

She DOESN'T THINK she's wealthy! Leave Ann_ObeyMe_Money ALOOOOOOOOONE!!

randcoolcatdaddy April 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

“And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

Except if you're a slut, of course.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Or a shiftless blah.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

What about shiftless blah sluts? Don't those guys … oops, gals … get a category of their very own? Or do they have to SHARE, again?

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Of course, we're both being very silly libtards – all shiftless blahs are sluts.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Silly us! Quick, you get the tinfoil for the hats, I'll mix us up a jug of Kool-Aid.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Well, obvs, no REAL WOMAN will ever choose (1) contraception; (2) abortion; (3) a career.

You know, just like REAL AMERICANS don't live in them big ol' city places like New Yawk or California, or whatever the kids are callin' 'em these days.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Not The National Enquirer, America's Most Trusted News Source!?

Oops, no, that's The Onion.

Never mind.
~

RedneckMuslin April 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm

If The Enquirer said it it must be true.

SudsMcKenzie April 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

John Edwards agrees\disagrees.

iburl April 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Technically, the Enquirer story is true, note the parsing: "…said an inside source."

So, the "inside source" could be Sean Hannity.

The Enquirer is actually more accurate than most newspapers since Carol Burnet handed them their ass in court.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

And also since all other newspapers abandoned any pretense of trying to be more accurate than the National Enquirer.

Dudleydidwrong April 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Ann's gonna get her dressage undressed, the poor thing.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I soooo miss the Weekly World News. Although Bat Boy was fickle with his political choices, he never tried to attack a candidate's spouse!

Baconzgood April 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Damn! I was just not fast enough to the the first Weekly World News snark in. Stupid searching for a bat boy photo.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Next time around, although whore mega-diamond bonuses for including an image!

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Especially as the image is chock-full of win.

Baconzgood April 23, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Thanks I thought it was.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I remember back when *I* was Michele BatMann. (sigh)

Baconzgood April 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I'll still give ya the love.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:48 pm

AWWW~! (Hugs the Baconzgood)

Baconzgood, I always knew that.

Terry April 23, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Don't forget Ed Anger! Best political and social commentary columnist in the Country, hands down.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

He was madder than a gelding on a stud farm, that one.

Baconzgood April 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The National Enquirer?!?!?!!!!? Baconz only get his political information from the Weekly World News.
http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6030/5955853805_00

chicken_thief April 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Maybe Mittens will allow Ann the "dignity" of getting a job outside of the house once he loses the POTUS race. Again.

Jus_Wonderin April 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

“My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

It's okay my niece is a callgirl?

Steverino247 April 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Unless that choice pertains to pregnancy, of course.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Funny how her husband abandoned respecting choices that women make as part of his platform.

starfanglednut April 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

No! That's sinful. Rent boy is ok though.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

So, uh, what's her number? Just asking, you know, for a friend.

mrpuma2u April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Only one way to settle this: UFC rules match. I say this pretty much only cuz I want watch the FLOTUS kick some dressage butt all over the cage.

starfanglednut April 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Fap fap fap.

mrpuma2u April 23, 2012 at 5:20 pm

That was so wrong, I voted it up.

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Struggling mothers across the nation breathe a sigh of relief today, now that they know "A dedicated homemaker" is going to bat for them. Help is on the way!

PubOption April 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Mittens Wkipedia page now refers to Ann 'working as a homemaker'.

gullywompr April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Karl Rove is one hell of a source.

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Anonymous source with anonymous funding. Can't beat that!

littlebigdaddy April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Yeah, Ann is being attacked by vicious blahs and lesbians. Just like in the 60s when Bill Ayers was blowing shit up.

SexySmurf April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I have three things to say about Ann Romney's neck: Gobble, gobble and gobble.

Jus_Wonderin April 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

And yet, the texture looks more rhino.

Radiotherapy April 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Needz plastic surgery?

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Next week we find out what role bat-boy played in all this.

SudsMcKenzie April 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I just saw this Seinfeld episode – rawr…

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Woof!

Oblios_Cap April 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Michelle Obama Masterminded Ann Romney Mom Smear

What they were trying to say is that Michelle arranged for Ann to get her pap smear. Geez, Sheeple!

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Keep yer gubmint hands offa my gubmint-funded pap smear!

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I think you may have heard that wrong.
Michelle arranged for Ann to get a Pabst beer.

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

“And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

JustPixelz April 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

HA HA. When she said "choices that women make" she meant "choices white male state legislators make for women". And when she said "respect" she meant "assume they are wrong". And when she said "all of us", she did not mean white male legislators who hate all reproductive rights.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

Planned Parenthood, in the '90s. Until Mitt discovered Massachusetts was too small to fit his ego.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Yes, but how does the Pergo flooring stand up to Michelle's claws?

MissTaken April 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Inconceivable! We all know that the plot was orchestrated by Still Alive Elvis and Bat Boy.

proudgrampa April 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

You know that "Lives" is an anagram for "Elvis." Coincidence? I think not.

SorosBot April 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yes, Ann Romney sure is a champion of the rights of "stay-at-home-moms" to marry a super-rich guy so that they never have to work a day in their lives.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:54 pm

There may possibly have been a point to be made along the lines of, "Why is a daycare worker who watches kids all day for minimum wage working, and a mom who watches kids all day for free not working?".
The way to make that point is not to say, "Wah wah wah".

Come here a minute April 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Just because he's 42 doesn't mean Tagg Romney doesn't still need some mothering!

Oblios_Cap April 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

He'll be weaning any day now.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

What the heck. We're all family.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:30 pm

We are?

chicken_thief April 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"Tagg"?!!! WTF? Did Ann and Mitt go to the Palin College of Naming Conventions?

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I thought we weren't allowed to say Tagg. did that change?

LastGasp April 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

It's just another tale of black vs. white, blond vs. brunette, Trayvon Martin vs. Summer Moody.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

"Summer Moody"

And some are not.

Radiotherapy April 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I would pay per view to see Michelle put a can of whoop-ass on the Morman Martyr. We'll see who "worked" and who didn't.

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Below the fold in that same issue of National Enquirer:
—Watch the fat melt off with jelly-donut-only diet!!
—Use your ESP to learn calculus!!

starfanglednut April 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Wheeeee!

*throws calculus book in the trash, and goes to donut shop.

Troglodeity April 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Eagerly awaiting the National Enquirer's expose that Seamus the Terror-Defecating Dog escaped to Canada, turned gay, and eventually died after his harrowing ride atop the Romneys' station wagon.

Actually, all of that is true except maybe the turned gay part.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Yes, I can assure you from personal experience that half a century of trying to "turn straight" has absolutely no effect on us gay folks, and I imagine it's pretty much the same for straight folks.

HobbesEvilTwin April 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Rush Limbaugh will be quoting this story as fact in 4-5 weeks.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-talk-

Texan_Bulldog April 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Sounds like this National Enquirer 'journalist' is angling for a job at Fox News since this article could have been pulled straight off their web site. Except on the Fox site, Michelle's picture would have 'accidentally' been a picture of a monkey.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Malia's mom, she's a big fat bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls

donner_froh April 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Ann Romney is a "dedicated homemaker". She must be in the construction trades.

Blueb4sunrise April 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Well, she does have some good friends who own the construction trades.

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Reminds me of a funny story about the time I liquidated a construction company and laid off half the town. Then when I asked them to vote for me, hilarity ensued. Mrs Howell and I could not stop laughing, I tell you.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Like Tony Soprano's in municipal waste management.

niblick77 April 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.” – How pro choice of her.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Well, some women anyway. Blah women who stay home with kids aren't "homemakers", they're "welfare queens", right?

ttommyunger April 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"Ann… is getting the last laugh." I doubt she does a lot of laughing, period.

Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Only when she gets such great early birthday presents.

JustPixelz April 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Since I am in love with Michelle Obama (she doesn't know, sigh), my view on this may not be 100% objective.

Michelle is not a scheming political operator. She is a kind, generous woman who likes walks on the beach, quiet dinners at home, surprise gifts, and who likes to laugh. Her ideal first date is a picnic in a park where she gets to meet three new people from places she's never visited. OK, maybe I am 100% objective.

Redgyal April 23, 2012 at 8:12 pm

It's called Eharmony and it has helped many lonely people find "the one".

Callyson April 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

BUT ANN…is getting the last laugh

Oh really? The polls show that Obama hasn't lost any ground to female voters (read: we gyrlz hate the Mittens) and Rmoney was recently embarrassed by his quote about how moms on welfare need the dignity of work (e.g., the work they do raising their kids does not count.) Who's laughing now?

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Mittens is going after that small but critical niche voting block of "Stay at home moms who are married to rich white men who enjoy the comfort and security of doing whatever their husbands tell them." That and Real Housewives of Orange County – where Obama is still struggling to gain voter support.

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Meh. Wake me when they do the "who looks better on the beach" issue.

mavenmaven April 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

See, Ann Romney is the people's choice because she has all the weepy diseases that stay at home moms like to cry about on the Lifetime channel. How Un-American it is for a first lady not have a series of illnesses, a damaged child, and a history of alcoholism or at least painkiller abuse!

Chet Kincaid April 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

So, are we supposed to give this any credibility? The only thing the Enquirer has ever been accurate about is John Edwards, and this story is clearly bullshit. The Enquirer isn't a rightwing organ, so there's not that fallback Wonk angle. What is the intent of the post?

Steverino247 April 23, 2012 at 1:24 pm

To reduce the political discourse of this great nation to the level of middle school romance dramas:

"But Ann said…" kind of bullshit.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Unpossible. It's been there for years.

EtchySketchy April 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Step aside, Michelle Obama! Dontcha know it's Mitt and Ann's time?

Of course, when you got a coupla hundred million dollars to your name, it's always "your time"

Nostrildamus April 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"Enquiring minds" probably have trouble opening a screen door.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Opening a…?"
OH!!!
NOW I get it!

chicken_thief April 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

But before she had kids she was just a fucking bum, right?

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Aspiring homemaker"

SudsMcKenzie April 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

which one?

RedneckMuslin April 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Well, there you go. See how motherhood enhances your life?

starfanglednut April 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

She just sat there politely with an aspirin between her knees.

owhatever April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

In response to the false accusations, Ann Romney announced today she was taking the children and moving to Mississippi to work in Wal-Mart as a greeter and they will all live on her salary, with no benefits. Mitt asked who would clean the house, cook for him and maintain the garage elevator in Del Mar while she was gone.

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Your move, Lucrezia Borgia.

EtchySketchy April 23, 2012 at 1:25 pm

“Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

Oh yeah?

“Ann Romney thought The Enquirer, an out-of-this-world cluster-fuck publication and close wing-nut shit-stirrer, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after the First Lady and her bionic biceps.

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 1:28 pm

In the caption up there, it says "talking head Hilary Rosen." I thought that chick in Talking Heads was named Tina Weymouth.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm
weejee April 23, 2012 at 1:28 pm

This cover of "Cat Scratch Fever" has Ted Nugent's fingerprints guitar pick all over it.

HippieEsq April 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

By today's standards, this is a pretty believable headline. Maybe the Enquirer should be our new Paper of Record. Then us Americans have a good answer when asked "what newspaper do you read".

el_donaldo April 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Wow. A misogyny-inspired conspiracy theory and they didn't take the opportunity to slag Hillary Clinton too? The National Enquirer is slipping.

Generation[redacted] April 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Michelle Obama and Ann Romney go catfishing together?

horsedreamer_1 April 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

They better not do it in Alabama.

fuflans April 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

but brad and angie are still engaged right?

Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Even Palin knew better than to asnswer "The National Enquirer" when asked what she reads, although that is all she reads.

horsedreamer_1 April 23, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The Enquirer is one of all of them, Katie.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Isn't this pretty much a plug-in-the-name, word-for-word Mad Lib of the same crap they were saying about Hillary Clinton 20 years ago, with that whole "baking cookies" made-up shitstorm?

They're getting just plain lazy, I tells ya.

vtxmcrider April 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Ann Romney competes in horse shows but she always loses. The bit makes her grimace too much.

rickmaci April 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Dressage Horse Owners and Riders for Romoney 2012.

"Ann will help Mitt whip this economy into shape."

BZ1 April 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

“My career choice was to be a mother,” along with the maids, housekeepers, gardeners, elevator operators …

DemonicRage April 24, 2012 at 9:01 am

I'm surprised that the Enquirer had time to disregard their usual "Guess which star this cellulite belongs to?" newsbeat. We will all be stay at home mothers and fathers if Romney should get elected, because the economy will tank, due to a return to the Bush economic policies.

usuhname April 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Watch those claws, Michelle. The good feminista folk at the Enquiry know whats-what for the ladiez – they don't eva scuff their nails cuz they always got them extensions done up real nice.

WonkCynic April 25, 2012 at 3:50 am

After King Obarmer implements sharia law, Michelle Obarmer will be the only bitch in American permitted to go outside without a burka. And you will kneel before her and praise her for being the consort of your Messiah hero saviour fella.

tessiee April 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

"Michelle bolls cabbage patch dolls"

Michelle boils cabbage patch dolls?
Michelle balls cabbage patch dolls?
Michelle bolts cabbage patch dolls?

Please to explain.

Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Well, some of us are.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 3:53 pm

But how will we know WHO? I know! Let's all wear an emblem on our clothes — something that sets us apart.

Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I have a gold star floating around here somewheres. Would that work? (And make me free.)

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Ar, beit you already know that stuff, amirite?

Wait, CREature is in charge of *gold* stars. Perhaps you meant a slightly different colour.

Geminisunmars April 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Why does CREature get to be in charge of gold stars??? That's not fair. So what colour would OFF colour be?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I dunno, s/he showed up one day and started handing 'em around, and Poof! S/He was in charge thereafter! Ya gotta move quick around these parts.

Purple, I'm guessing. As in "prose."

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: