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National Enquirer: Catfighting Michelle Obama Has ‘Claws Out’ For That Nice Ann Romney

Pick a winner!Why is Michelle Obama such a fat bitch all the time? Why does she hate stay-at-home-moms? Why does she have her claws out for that nice Ann Romney? Why did she personally call up Hilary Rosen and force her to throw herself under a Million Mom Bus by saying that nice Ann Romney never worked a day in her life? What is up with her? The National Enquirer has the answer, and it is, we paraphrase, “because Michelle Obama is a fat bitch who hates stay-at-home moms and has her claws out for that nice Ann Romney, and also Hilary Rosen is a lesbian.”

Tell us all about it, National Enquirer!

[B]ehind the scenes, [Michelle Obama's] fingerprints were all over the scandal, said an inside source.

“Michelle had her claws out to get Ann, but it quickly backfired and Barack was livid when he heard she had secretly directed the attack,” said the source.

“What Michelle didn’t remember was that when Barack was running for president, he told ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ that it was unfair to attack Michelle, saying his wife was off limits. Here they were, however, doing the same thing to Romney’s wife four years later.

“But even though Michelle was the instigator, the political grenade blew up in the president’s face.”


“Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,” said the source.

“Behind the scenes, Michelle has vented that she worked hard as a lawyer in addition to being a mom.

She also made jokes about Ann Romney ‘working at leading a rich lifestyle,’ includ­ing the fact that Ann competes in horse shows.

“Michelle is determined to do whatever it takes to keep her husband in the White House. She’s learned politics is a dirty business. It’s only a matter of time before she comes up with another plan to go after Ann.”

BUT ANN, 63 – a dedicated homemaker who’s been married to the former Massa­chusetts governor for 43 years – is getting the last laugh in the first face-off of what promises to be a months-long catfight. She’s stepped up to become a champion for the rights of stay-at-home moms.

“My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

Why does Michelle Obama hate moms, and America? [NationalEnquirer, via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

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  1. Oblios_Cap

    “Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

    Quotes like this are the reason that I get all of my news from the Enquirer.

    1. HateMachine

      And the fact that it's from "an inside source," thereafter referred to as "the source" completely sells it.

      What makes an 'inside source' for the Enquirer? Does one of their writers stick their head up their own ass and then provide the quote?

    1. iburl

      But, she never knows when it could all go away and she could be begging on a street corner somewhere.

  2. randcoolcatdaddy

    “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    Except if you're a slut, of course.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Well, obvs, no REAL WOMAN will ever choose (1) contraception; (2) abortion; (3) a career.

      You know, just like REAL AMERICANS don't live in them big ol' city places like New Yawk or California, or whatever the kids are callin' 'em these days.

    1. iburl

      Technically, the Enquirer story is true, note the parsing: "…said an inside source."

      So, the "inside source" could be Sean Hannity.

      The Enquirer is actually more accurate than most newspapers since Carol Burnet handed them their ass in court.

      1. sullivanst

        And also since all other newspapers abandoned any pretense of trying to be more accurate than the National Enquirer.

  3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I soooo miss the Weekly World News. Although Bat Boy was fickle with his political choices, he never tried to attack a candidate's spouse!

    1. Baconzgood

      Damn! I was just not fast enough to the the first Weekly World News snark in. Stupid searching for a bat boy photo.

    2. Terry

      Don't forget Ed Anger! Best political and social commentary columnist in the Country, hands down.

  4. chicken_thief

    Maybe Mittens will allow Ann the "dignity" of getting a job outside of the house once he loses the POTUS race. Again.

  5. Jus_Wonderin

    “My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    It's okay my niece is a callgirl?

    1. sullivanst

      Funny how her husband abandoned respecting choices that women make as part of his platform.

  6. mrpuma2u

    Only one way to settle this: UFC rules match. I say this pretty much only cuz I want watch the FLOTUS kick some dressage butt all over the cage.

  7. Generation[redacted]

    Struggling mothers across the nation breathe a sigh of relief today, now that they know "A dedicated homemaker" is going to bat for them. Help is on the way!

  8. littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, Ann is being attacked by vicious blahs and lesbians. Just like in the 60s when Bill Ayers was blowing shit up.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    Michelle Obama Masterminded Ann Romney Mom Smear

    What they were trying to say is that Michelle arranged for Ann to get her pap smear. Geez, Sheeple!

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

    1. JustPixelz

      HA HA. When she said "choices that women make" she meant "choices white male state legislators make for women". And when she said "respect" she meant "assume they are wrong". And when she said "all of us", she did not mean white male legislators who hate all reproductive rights.

    2. sullivanst

      Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

      Planned Parenthood, in the '90s. Until Mitt discovered Massachusetts was too small to fit his ego.

  11. SorosBot

    Yes, Ann Romney sure is a champion of the rights of "stay-at-home-moms" to marry a super-rich guy so that they never have to work a day in their lives.

    1. tessiee

      There may possibly have been a point to be made along the lines of, "Why is a daycare worker who watches kids all day for minimum wage working, and a mom who watches kids all day for free not working?".
      The way to make that point is not to say, "Wah wah wah".

          1. Geminisunmars

            I have a gold star floating around here somewheres. Would that work? (And make me free.)

          2. Geminisunmars

            Why does CREature get to be in charge of gold stars??? That's not fair. So what colour would OFF colour be?

          3. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

            I dunno, s/he showed up one day and started handing 'em around, and Poof! S/He was in charge thereafter! Ya gotta move quick around these parts.

            Purple, I'm guessing. As in "prose."

  12. LastGasp

    It's just another tale of black vs. white, blond vs. brunette, Trayvon Martin vs. Summer Moody.

  13. Radiotherapy

    I would pay per view to see Michelle put a can of whoop-ass on the Morman Martyr. We'll see who "worked" and who didn't.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Below the fold in that same issue of National Enquirer:
    —Watch the fat melt off with jelly-donut-only diet!!
    —Use your ESP to learn calculus!!

  15. Troglodeity

    Eagerly awaiting the National Enquirer's expose that Seamus the Terror-Defecating Dog escaped to Canada, turned gay, and eventually died after his harrowing ride atop the Romneys' station wagon.

    Actually, all of that is true except maybe the turned gay part.

    1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

      Yes, I can assure you from personal experience that half a century of trying to "turn straight" has absolutely no effect on us gay folks, and I imagine it's pretty much the same for straight folks.

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like this National Enquirer 'journalist' is angling for a job at Fox News since this article could have been pulled straight off their web site. Except on the Fox site, Michelle's picture would have 'accidentally' been a picture of a monkey.

  17. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Malia's mom, she's a big fat bitch,
    she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
    she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
    she's a bitch to all the boys and girls

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Reminds me of a funny story about the time I liquidated a construction company and laid off half the town. Then when I asked them to vote for me, hilarity ensued. Mrs Howell and I could not stop laughing, I tell you.

  18. niblick77

    "Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.” – How pro choice of her.

    1. tessiee

      Well, some women anyway. Blah women who stay home with kids aren't "homemakers", they're "welfare queens", right?

  19. JustPixelz

    Since I am in love with Michelle Obama (she doesn't know, sigh), my view on this may not be 100% objective.

    Michelle is not a scheming political operator. She is a kind, generous woman who likes walks on the beach, quiet dinners at home, surprise gifts, and who likes to laugh. Her ideal first date is a picnic in a park where she gets to meet three new people from places she's never visited. OK, maybe I am 100% objective.

  20. Callyson

    BUT ANN…is getting the last laugh

    Oh really? The polls show that Obama hasn't lost any ground to female voters (read: we gyrlz hate the Mittens) and Rmoney was recently embarrassed by his quote about how moms on welfare need the dignity of work (e.g., the work they do raising their kids does not count.) Who's laughing now?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Mittens is going after that small but critical niche voting block of "Stay at home moms who are married to rich white men who enjoy the comfort and security of doing whatever their husbands tell them." That and Real Housewives of Orange County – where Obama is still struggling to gain voter support.

  21. mavenmaven

    See, Ann Romney is the people's choice because she has all the weepy diseases that stay at home moms like to cry about on the Lifetime channel. How Un-American it is for a first lady not have a series of illnesses, a damaged child, and a history of alcoholism or at least painkiller abuse!

  22. Chet Kincaid

    So, are we supposed to give this any credibility? The only thing the Enquirer has ever been accurate about is John Edwards, and this story is clearly bullshit. The Enquirer isn't a rightwing organ, so there's not that fallback Wonk angle. What is the intent of the post?

    1. Steverino247

      To reduce the political discourse of this great nation to the level of middle school romance dramas:

      "But Ann said…" kind of bullshit.

  23. EtchySketchy

    Step aside, Michelle Obama! Dontcha know it's Mitt and Ann's time?

    Of course, when you got a coupla hundred million dollars to your name, it's always "your time"

  24. owhatever

    In response to the false accusations, Ann Romney announced today she was taking the children and moving to Mississippi to work in Wal-Mart as a greeter and they will all live on her salary, with no benefits. Mitt asked who would clean the house, cook for him and maintain the garage elevator in Del Mar while she was gone.

  25. EtchySketchy

    “Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

    Oh yeah?

    “Ann Romney thought The Enquirer, an out-of-this-world cluster-fuck publication and close wing-nut shit-stirrer, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after the First Lady and her bionic biceps.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    In the caption up there, it says "talking head Hilary Rosen." I thought that chick in Talking Heads was named Tina Weymouth.

  27. HippieEsq

    By today's standards, this is a pretty believable headline. Maybe the Enquirer should be our new Paper of Record. Then us Americans have a good answer when asked "what newspaper do you read".

  28. el_donaldo

    Wow. A misogyny-inspired conspiracy theory and they didn't take the opportunity to slag Hillary Clinton too? The National Enquirer is slipping.

  29. Geminisunmars

    Even Palin knew better than to asnswer "The National Enquirer" when asked what she reads, although that is all she reads.

  30. tessiee

    Isn't this pretty much a plug-in-the-name, word-for-word Mad Lib of the same crap they were saying about Hillary Clinton 20 years ago, with that whole "baking cookies" made-up shitstorm?

    They're getting just plain lazy, I tells ya.

  31. vtxmcrider

    Ann Romney competes in horse shows but she always loses. The bit makes her grimace too much.

  32. rickmaci

    Dressage Horse Owners and Riders for Romoney 2012.

    "Ann will help Mitt whip this economy into shape."

  33. DemonicRage

    I'm surprised that the Enquirer had time to disregard their usual "Guess which star this cellulite belongs to?" newsbeat. We will all be stay at home mothers and fathers if Romney should get elected, because the economy will tank, due to a return to the Bush economic policies.

  34. usuhname

    Watch those claws, Michelle. The good feminista folk at the Enquiry know whats-what for the ladiez – they don't eva scuff their nails cuz they always got them extensions done up real nice.

  35. WonkCynic

    After King Obarmer implements sharia law, Michelle Obarmer will be the only bitch in American permitted to go outside without a burka. And you will kneel before her and praise her for being the consort of your Messiah hero saviour fella.

  36. tessiee

    "Michelle bolls cabbage patch dolls"

    Michelle boils cabbage patch dolls?
    Michelle balls cabbage patch dolls?
    Michelle bolts cabbage patch dolls?

    Please to explain.

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