Pick a winner!Why is Michelle Obama such a fat bitch all the time? Why does she hate stay-at-home-moms? Why does she have her claws out for that nice Ann Romney? Why did she personally call up Hilary Rosen and force her to throw herself under a Million Mom Bus by saying that nice Ann Romney never worked a day in her life? What is up with her? The National Enquirer has the answer, and it is, we paraphrase, “because Michelle Obama is a fat bitch who hates stay-at-home moms and has her claws out for that nice Ann Romney, and also Hilary Rosen is a lesbian.”

Tell us all about it, National Enquirer!

[B]ehind the scenes, [Michelle Obama’s] fingerprints were all over the scandal, said an inside source.

“Michelle had her claws out to get Ann, but it quickly backfired and Barack was livid when he heard she had secretly directed the attack,” said the source.

“What Michelle didn’t remember was that when Barack was running for president, he told ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ that it was unfair to attack Michelle, saying his wife was off limits. Here they were, however, doing the same thing to Romney’s wife four years later.

“But even though Michelle was the instigator, the political grenade blew up in the president’s face.”


“Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,” said the source.

“Behind the scenes, Michelle has vented that she worked hard as a lawyer in addition to being a mom.

She also made jokes about Ann Romney ‘working at leading a rich lifestyle,’ includ­ing the fact that Ann competes in horse shows.

“Michelle is determined to do whatever it takes to keep her husband in the White House. She’s learned politics is a dirty business. It’s only a matter of time before she comes up with another plan to go after Ann.”

BUT ANN, 63 – a dedicated homemaker who’s been married to the former Massa­chusetts governor for 43 years – is getting the last laugh in the first face-off of what promises to be a months-long catfight. She’s stepped up to become a champion for the rights of stay-at-home moms.

“My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

Why does Michelle Obama hate moms, and America? [NationalEnquirer, via Wonkette operative “chascates”]

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  • Oblios_Cap

    “Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

    Quotes like this are the reason that I get all of my news from the Enquirer.

  • "Poor Ann Romney."
    words that should never be uttered.

    • iburl

      But, she never knows when it could all go away and she could be begging on a street corner somewhere.

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      Grat, she only has one car elevator for her two Cadillacs…

    • She DOESN'T THINK she's wealthy! Leave Ann_ObeyMe_Money ALOOOOOOOOONE!!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    Except if you're a slut, of course.

    • sullivanst

      Or a shiftless blah.

      • What about shiftless blah sluts? Don't those guys … oops, gals … get a category of their very own? Or do they have to SHARE, again?

        • sullivanst

          Of course, we're both being very silly libtards – all shiftless blahs are sluts.

          • Silly us! Quick, you get the tinfoil for the hats, I'll mix us up a jug of Kool-Aid.

    • Well, obvs, no REAL WOMAN will ever choose (1) contraception; (2) abortion; (3) a career.

      You know, just like REAL AMERICANS don't live in them big ol' city places like New Yawk or California, or whatever the kids are callin' 'em these days.

  • Not The National Enquirer, America's Most Trusted News Source!?

    Oops, no, that's The Onion.

    Never mind.

  • RedneckMuslin

    If The Enquirer said it it must be true.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      John Edwards agrees\disagrees.

    • iburl

      Technically, the Enquirer story is true, note the parsing: "…said an inside source."

      So, the "inside source" could be Sean Hannity.

      The Enquirer is actually more accurate than most newspapers since Carol Burnet handed them their ass in court.

      • sullivanst

        And also since all other newspapers abandoned any pretense of trying to be more accurate than the National Enquirer.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Ann's gonna get her dressage undressed, the poor thing.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I soooo miss the Weekly World News. Although Bat Boy was fickle with his political choices, he never tried to attack a candidate's spouse!

    • Baconzgood

      Damn! I was just not fast enough to the the first Weekly World News snark in. Stupid searching for a bat boy photo.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Next time around, although whore mega-diamond bonuses for including an image!

        • sullivanst

          Especially as the image is chock-full of win.

          • Baconzgood

            Thanks I thought it was.

      • I remember back when *I* was Michele BatMann. (sigh)

        • Baconzgood

          I'll still give ya the love.

    • Terry

      Don't forget Ed Anger! Best political and social commentary columnist in the Country, hands down.

      • He was madder than a gelding on a stud farm, that one.

  • Baconzgood

    The National Enquirer?!?!?!!!!? Baconz only get his political information from the Weekly World News.

  • chicken_thief

    Maybe Mittens will allow Ann the "dignity" of getting a job outside of the house once he loses the POTUS race. Again.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    “My career choice was to be a mother,” Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    It's okay my niece is a callgirl?

    • Steverino247

      Unless that choice pertains to pregnancy, of course.

    • sullivanst

      Funny how her husband abandoned respecting choices that women make as part of his platform.

    • No! That's sinful. Rent boy is ok though.

    • So, uh, what's her number? Just asking, you know, for a friend.

  • mrpuma2u

    Only one way to settle this: UFC rules match. I say this pretty much only cuz I want watch the FLOTUS kick some dressage butt all over the cage.

    • Fap fap fap.

      • mrpuma2u

        That was so wrong, I voted it up.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Struggling mothers across the nation breathe a sigh of relief today, now that they know "A dedicated homemaker" is going to bat for them. Help is on the way!

    • PubOption

      Mittens Wkipedia page now refers to Ann 'working as a homemaker'.

  • gullywompr

    Karl Rove is one hell of a source.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Anonymous source with anonymous funding. Can't beat that!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, Ann is being attacked by vicious blahs and lesbians. Just like in the 60s when Bill Ayers was blowing shit up.

  • SexySmurf

    I have three things to say about Ann Romney's neck: Gobble, gobble and gobble.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And yet, the texture looks more rhino.

    • Radiotherapy

      Needz plastic surgery?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Next week we find out what role bat-boy played in all this.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I just saw this Seinfeld episode – rawr…

    • Doktor StrangeZoom


  • Oblios_Cap

    Michelle Obama Masterminded Ann Romney Mom Smear

    What they were trying to say is that Michelle arranged for Ann to get her pap smear. Geez, Sheeple!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Keep yer gubmint hands offa my gubmint-funded pap smear!

    • tessiee

      I think you may have heard that wrong.
      Michelle arranged for Ann to get a Pabst beer.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.”

    Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

    • JustPixelz

      HA HA. When she said "choices that women make" she meant "choices white male state legislators make for women". And when she said "respect" she meant "assume they are wrong". And when she said "all of us", she did not mean white male legislators who hate all reproductive rights.

    • sullivanst

      Wait, Ann Romney is pro-choice? Who knew?

      Planned Parenthood, in the '90s. Until Mitt discovered Massachusetts was too small to fit his ego.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Yes, but how does the Pergo flooring stand up to Michelle's claws?

  • MissTaken

    Inconceivable! We all know that the plot was orchestrated by Still Alive Elvis and Bat Boy.

    • proudgrampa

      You know that "Lives" is an anagram for "Elvis." Coincidence? I think not.

  • SorosBot

    Yes, Ann Romney sure is a champion of the rights of "stay-at-home-moms" to marry a super-rich guy so that they never have to work a day in their lives.

    • tessiee

      There may possibly have been a point to be made along the lines of, "Why is a daycare worker who watches kids all day for minimum wage working, and a mom who watches kids all day for free not working?".
      The way to make that point is not to say, "Wah wah wah".

  • Come here a minute

    Just because he's 42 doesn't mean Tagg Romney doesn't still need some mothering!

    • Oblios_Cap

      He'll be weaning any day now.

      • sullivanst
        • Geminisunmars

          What the heck. We're all family.

          • We are?

          • Geminisunmars

            Well, some of us are.

          • But how will we know WHO? I know! Let's all wear an emblem on our clothes — something that sets us apart.

          • Geminisunmars

            I have a gold star floating around here somewheres. Would that work? (And make me free.)

          • Ar, beit you already know that stuff, amirite?

            Wait, CREature is in charge of *gold* stars. Perhaps you meant a slightly different colour.

          • Geminisunmars

            Why does CREature get to be in charge of gold stars??? That's not fair. So what colour would OFF colour be?

          • I dunno, s/he showed up one day and started handing 'em around, and Poof! S/He was in charge thereafter! Ya gotta move quick around these parts.

            Purple, I'm guessing. As in "prose."

    • chicken_thief

      "Tagg"?!!! WTF? Did Ann and Mitt go to the Palin College of Naming Conventions?

    • tessiee

      I thought we weren't allowed to say Tagg. did that change?

  • LastGasp

    It's just another tale of black vs. white, blond vs. brunette, Trayvon Martin vs. Summer Moody.

    • tessiee

      "Summer Moody"

      And some are not.

  • Radiotherapy

    I would pay per view to see Michelle put a can of whoop-ass on the Morman Martyr. We'll see who "worked" and who didn't.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Below the fold in that same issue of National Enquirer:
    —Watch the fat melt off with jelly-donut-only diet!!
    —Use your ESP to learn calculus!!

    • Wheeeee!

      *throws calculus book in the trash, and goes to donut shop.

  • Troglodeity

    Eagerly awaiting the National Enquirer's expose that Seamus the Terror-Defecating Dog escaped to Canada, turned gay, and eventually died after his harrowing ride atop the Romneys' station wagon.

    Actually, all of that is true except maybe the turned gay part.

    • Yes, I can assure you from personal experience that half a century of trying to "turn straight" has absolutely no effect on us gay folks, and I imagine it's pretty much the same for straight folks.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Rush Limbaugh will be quoting this story as fact in 4-5 weeks.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like this National Enquirer 'journalist' is angling for a job at Fox News since this article could have been pulled straight off their web site. Except on the Fox site, Michelle's picture would have 'accidentally' been a picture of a monkey.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Malia's mom, she's a big fat bitch,
    she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
    she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
    she's a bitch to all the boys and girls

  • Ann Romney is a "dedicated homemaker". She must be in the construction trades.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Well, she does have some good friends who own the construction trades.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Reminds me of a funny story about the time I liquidated a construction company and laid off half the town. Then when I asked them to vote for me, hilarity ensued. Mrs Howell and I could not stop laughing, I tell you.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Like Tony Soprano's in municipal waste management.

  • niblick77

    "Ann told a TV reporter. “And I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make.” – How pro choice of her.

    • tessiee

      Well, some women anyway. Blah women who stay home with kids aren't "homemakers", they're "welfare queens", right?

  • ttommyunger

    "Ann… is getting the last laugh." I doubt she does a lot of laughing, period.

    • Geminisunmars

      Only when she gets such great early birthday presents.

  • JustPixelz

    Since I am in love with Michelle Obama (she doesn't know, sigh), my view on this may not be 100% objective.

    Michelle is not a scheming political operator. She is a kind, generous woman who likes walks on the beach, quiet dinners at home, surprise gifts, and who likes to laugh. Her ideal first date is a picnic in a park where she gets to meet three new people from places she's never visited. OK, maybe I am 100% objective.

    • Redgyal

      It's called Eharmony and it has helped many lonely people find "the one".

  • Callyson

    BUT ANN…is getting the last laugh

    Oh really? The polls show that Obama hasn't lost any ground to female voters (read: we gyrlz hate the Mittens) and Rmoney was recently embarrassed by his quote about how moms on welfare need the dignity of work (e.g., the work they do raising their kids does not count.) Who's laughing now?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Mittens is going after that small but critical niche voting block of "Stay at home moms who are married to rich white men who enjoy the comfort and security of doing whatever their husbands tell them." That and Real Housewives of Orange County – where Obama is still struggling to gain voter support.

  • freakishlywrong

    Meh. Wake me when they do the "who looks better on the beach" issue.

  • mavenmaven

    See, Ann Romney is the people's choice because she has all the weepy diseases that stay at home moms like to cry about on the Lifetime channel. How Un-American it is for a first lady not have a series of illnesses, a damaged child, and a history of alcoholism or at least painkiller abuse!

  • So, are we supposed to give this any credibility? The only thing the Enquirer has ever been accurate about is John Edwards, and this story is clearly bullshit. The Enquirer isn't a rightwing organ, so there's not that fallback Wonk angle. What is the intent of the post?

    • Steverino247

      To reduce the political discourse of this great nation to the level of middle school romance dramas:

      "But Ann said…" kind of bullshit.

      • sullivanst

        Unpossible. It's been there for years.

  • EtchySketchy

    Step aside, Michelle Obama! Dontcha know it's Mitt and Ann's time?

    Of course, when you got a coupla hundred million dollars to your name, it's always "your time"

  • Nostrildamus

    "Enquiring minds" probably have trouble opening a screen door.

    • tessiee

      "Opening a…?"
      NOW I get it!

  • chicken_thief

    But before she had kids she was just a fucking bum, right?

    • Generation[redacted]

      "Aspiring homemaker"

    • SudsMcKenzie

      which one?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Well, there you go. See how motherhood enhances your life?

    • She just sat there politely with an aspirin between her knees.

  • owhatever

    In response to the false accusations, Ann Romney announced today she was taking the children and moving to Mississippi to work in Wal-Mart as a greeter and they will all live on her salary, with no benefits. Mitt asked who would clean the house, cook for him and maintain the garage elevator in Del Mar while she was gone.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Lucrezia Borgia.

  • EtchySketchy

    “Michelle thought Rosen, an out-of-the-closet lesbian and close pal, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after stay-at-home moms,”

    Oh yeah?

    “Ann Romney thought The Enquirer, an out-of-this-world cluster-fuck publication and close wing-nut shit-stirrer, could be their attack dog, but she miscalculated badly by going after the First Lady and her bionic biceps.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    In the caption up there, it says "talking head Hilary Rosen." I thought that chick in Talking Heads was named Tina Weymouth.

  • This cover of "Cat Scratch Fever" has Ted Nugent's fingerprints guitar pick all over it.

  • HippieEsq

    By today's standards, this is a pretty believable headline. Maybe the Enquirer should be our new Paper of Record. Then us Americans have a good answer when asked "what newspaper do you read".

  • el_donaldo

    Wow. A misogyny-inspired conspiracy theory and they didn't take the opportunity to slag Hillary Clinton too? The National Enquirer is slipping.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Michelle Obama and Ann Romney go catfishing together?

    • horsedreamer_1

      They better not do it in Alabama.

  • fuflans

    but brad and angie are still engaged right?

  • Geminisunmars

    Even Palin knew better than to asnswer "The National Enquirer" when asked what she reads, although that is all she reads.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Enquirer is one of all of them, Katie.

  • tessiee

    Isn't this pretty much a plug-in-the-name, word-for-word Mad Lib of the same crap they were saying about Hillary Clinton 20 years ago, with that whole "baking cookies" made-up shitstorm?

    They're getting just plain lazy, I tells ya.

  • vtxmcrider

    Ann Romney competes in horse shows but she always loses. The bit makes her grimace too much.

  • rickmaci

    Dressage Horse Owners and Riders for Romoney 2012.

    "Ann will help Mitt whip this economy into shape."

  • BZ1

    “My career choice was to be a mother,” along with the maids, housekeepers, gardeners, elevator operators …

  • DemonicRage

    I'm surprised that the Enquirer had time to disregard their usual "Guess which star this cellulite belongs to?" newsbeat. We will all be stay at home mothers and fathers if Romney should get elected, because the economy will tank, due to a return to the Bush economic policies.

  • usuhname

    Watch those claws, Michelle. The good feminista folk at the Enquiry know whats-what for the ladiez – they don't eva scuff their nails cuz they always got them extensions done up real nice.

  • WonkCynic

    After King Obarmer implements sharia law, Michelle Obarmer will be the only bitch in American permitted to go outside without a burka. And you will kneel before her and praise her for being the consort of your Messiah hero saviour fella.

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