CHECK OUT THIS UNBREAKABLE NAVAJO CODE  10:54 am April 23, 2012

French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex

by Lisa Wines

Waiting for Carla BruniIn the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn’t have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you’ll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake.

But a certain provocateur marcvasseur asked his friends to come up with a Twitter hash tag to communicate coded election results, and #RadioLondres, for Charles de Gaulle’s WWII coded radio broadcasts to the French Resistance, was hatched.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the incumbent, was Rolex (for gaucheness), the dwarf/midget (he’s been busted many times either standing on his tippy toes or on a little box in order to appear taller next to his wife, chanteuse Carla Bruni, or the Obamas), Budapest (he’s Hungarian) and of course, Napoleon (he is a gauche Hungarian dwarf/midget).

Francois Hollande, the Socialist candidate (and winner of round one) was Flanby (a wobbly packaged flan dessert). The third-place crazy nationalist and immigrant hater (and daughter of the 2007 third-place candidate, KKK bosom pal Jean-Marie Le Pen), Marine Le Pen, was called many bad names, with “Vichy” and “Nuremberg” being the baddest.

Sarkozy critics gleefully envisioned his impending eviction from the Élysée Palace: “The engines on Air Sarko One have started,” “The Rolex is in the pawnshop,” “Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic,” and finally, just before 7pm, at the height of that day’s tweets-per-minute (16,662), melclalex tweeted Sarkozy’s demise:

But Socialist Hollande, at 28.63 percent to Sarkozy’s 27.18 percent, does not have the election in his Birkin bag. Marine Le Pen could take her frightening 20% Vichy votes and throw them to Sarkozy.

Meanwhile, the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

 
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{ 138 comments }

chascates April 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l’automne
Blessent mon cœur
D’une langueur
Monotone.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

Yam! Bam! mon chat Splash
Git sur mon lit a bouffe
sa langue en buvant tout mon whisky
quant a moi peu dormi, vide, brime
J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere
Ou j'ai eu un flash
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
En quatre couleurs

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

And this is what they say as their prayers before they go to bed.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:51 am

I listened to this song and The Normal's Warm Leatherette once on PCP.

I've not been the same since.

sewollef April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Say their prayers…. I don't think there's a single catholic left in the country. They're all godless socialists or godless gaullists or — god help us — fucking crazy fascists.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 23, 2012 at 11:25 am
actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

You're going to spoil my fun!

FlownOver April 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

Visit England for the cuisine, Germany for the comedy and France for the rock 'n' roll. Can't go wrong.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

prommie April 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

Stick with Plastique, stay away from Elton Motello.

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

By the looks on the faces on the Metro, this must be what French people say every morning when they get up.

Chichikovovich April 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

Birmanie-Rasage

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

Wow. It's almost like the French were used to being occupied or something, all these codes…

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

This talent is actually encoded in their DNA.

Terry April 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

It's a skill learned from their grandparents. Remember that over 90% of French people were active members of the Resistance in WW2.

Biff April 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

Fat lot of good that did, right? Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys meme forEVAR!

MosesInvests April 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

No, 90% of French people *claimed* to be active members of the Resistance *after* WW2. Most were either fairly apathetic, and quite a few were actively collaborating with Le Boche. This of course does not detract from the valor of those French people who really were members of the Resistance.

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And there were absolutely zero Nazis to be found in Germany after the war.

sewollef April 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Not totally, but so, so close to the truth.

When asked about my 'aventure amoureuse secrète' with France — since I used to live in Toulouse — I liked to remind my French friends that England and France have been at war at some point, for every single century for the past 1,000 years — with the exception of the 20th century.

Since they invaded and conquered us in 1066, the Brits have paid them back every century by whupping their asses in virtually every war for the subsequent 800 years. And occupied parts of their country for most of that time.

littlebigdaddy April 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

Aux armes, les citoyens!

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

To arms, lemons?

Oh, citOYens! My error.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

Citroens do have a rather bad reputation for reliability.

chascates April 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Likewise the French army.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

Non non! They are very reliable! They show up, they surrender!

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 3:31 am

Ask the Algerians about that one.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

Mon point, exactement!

I always thought that was one of the more clever synchronicities in language.

chascates April 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

Ah, for the Citroen Traction Avant shown in the movie Diva: http://www.carmagazine.co.uk/Video/Search-Results

doloras April 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

You may be confusing Citroën with citron.

Goonemeritus April 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

I leave it to the French to have a three-way with socialist a corporatist and a Nazi.

Chet Kincaid April 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

At least they are being honest with their people and offering clear alternatives. Oops, I forgot the French should always be the punchline, whether you're left or right!

proudgrampa April 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I thought you were going to tell a story:

"A socialist, a corporatist, and a Nazi walk into a bar…"

George Spelvin April 25, 2012 at 11:49 pm

And the bartender says "Hi, Mitt".

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

Is it Twatte is Francois?

Barrelhse April 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

"Francoise" I think, at least the ones I've seen.

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

I wasn't aware Rolexes were considered gauche these days. Surveying the greater habitat of wristwatches, I'd figured the overall species went extinct some time ago.

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

It comes from this 'event': http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2012 at 11:50 am

Reaction to Sarkozy's pal's assertion:

"…We would like to shove Seguela's own Rolex down his throat."

I find it funny that this guy uses "Rolex" as a measurement of opulence and affluence — seems like there's lots of competition available for *bling* or any number of trappings more emblematic of financial success than a Rolex!

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm

My GUESS is that the French are big on understated elegance. The little black dress with pearls and little black flats, etc. They despise bling. Also, this week, while campaigning he added insult to injury, he took his watch off as he began to shake hands with people. La Deluge!

Chet Kincaid April 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

You seem a bit love/hate on your expatriate refuge. I don't know how you manage living there, the French don't pronounce their language properly. I have a lot easier time conversing with Francophone Africans, with my toddler French skills.

Fare la Volpe April 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

The only human being I know who still wears a wristwatch is my father, and I'm not so sure about him*

*his human beingness, not his watch-wearing

SorosBot April 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

Hey, I wear a wristwatch. And knowing the time can be useful.

JerkCade April 23, 2012 at 11:50 am

Three cheers for the wristwatch and not having to fish out my cellphone.

Fare la Volpe April 23, 2012 at 11:50 am

Do you not own a phone?

Chet Kincaid April 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Have you ever tried to check your phone while juggling steaks on a 600-degree grill with barbecue mitts on?

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

knowing the time can be useful

Virginia's own guv'nr McDonnell, representin'!

Biff April 23, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I don't give a rat's ass about any watch, let alone a Rolex, because like Cheech and Chong, I'm not into time, man. I am a big fan of the Rolex Series of sports car races, though.

chicken_thief April 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

I'm surprised the cheese eating surrender monkeys* didn't just give up.

*hat tip to the wonketteer who made that up.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

Groundskeeper Willy is a Wonketteer?

chicken_thief April 23, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Thanks, Dok, for the proper attribution – I know I didn't make it up but remembered from some earlier post here.

boobookitteh April 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Vive La Resistance!

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

And fuck me. If the fucking FRENCH can even elect a socialist, the rest of us are screwed.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

How dare you beret-te the good ol' US of A!

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

Pfft — Don't be a pain in the breadbasket.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

My finger: poulette

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

Seine-onara austerity!

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

"My finger: poulette "

Your double-entendres go down like a croque, monsieur.

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

I meant "cant". Stupid.

DerrickWildcat April 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

I have just opened an account on meetic. I am
La DerrickWildcat69LOL.

donner_froh April 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Last flight to Budapest now boarding.

ManchuCandidate April 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Where's the birf certificate? Sarkozy? What the hell kind of French name is that?

Wait… whut? The cheez eating surrender monkeys ne sont pas stupide as US Americans?!!?! C'est dommage.

James Michael Curley April 23, 2012 at 11:39 am

C'est fromage

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Your move, Philippe Pétain.

SorosBot April 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

Wait the French have elections now? But I thought Freedom and Democracy were only allowed in America, according to Fox News.

FakaktaSouth April 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

Um, you mean "the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth"? Yeah, it's just us. (as long as you don't change the channel, otherwise you will be SO confused)

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

And the Communist candidate placed 4th. The Anti-Capitalist candidate forgot her was running, though. But anyway, with all that socilism/markism running amok, the world will surely explode.

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

Funny story.

Although it does predate Fox, so not entirely their fault.

When I was a kid we lived in Ohio for a couple of years (I'm a Brit expat, this was way before I immigrated permanently). My mum (sorry, she'll always have that spelling to me) visited my sister's class on I dunno I guess bring-your-parent-to-school day. One of the kids asked her "What's it like, finally living in a free country?"

Buzz Feedback April 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

Didn't know you could post on Twitter from the MiniTel.

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

Hahaha! Good one.

SexySmurf April 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

How many votes did Jerry Lewis get?

freakishlywrong April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

All of em', Smurf.

chascates April 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

I think Marine Le Pen got 18% so not everyone is on the same barricade there.

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

You're right. 17.9%. That is 2.1% less scary. We'll take any fear reduction we can get.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:39 am

About one in five felt Sarkozy hadn't gone far enough in deporting Romanians.

Lascauxcaveman April 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

In America, 23% of Americans think George W Bush was a great president. So France is, what, about 5% less stupid than the greatest nation ever? Not bad for a bunch of socialistic surrender monkeys.

horsedreamer_1 April 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

It's all those horned pachyderms they bring with them.

& don't get me started on the baby-dada drama.

BZ1 April 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

King Sarkozy may be evicted from the Palaise? Quelle Horreur!!

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

L'etape, c'est moi!

sullivanst April 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

Just a passing stage…

Chichikovovich April 23, 2012 at 11:38 am

Les twats, c'est moi [et mes copains].

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

Bien joue, monsieur!

*coup de golf poli*

Martini?

Chichikovovich April 23, 2012 at 11:57 am

Merci. I couldn't find a way to get number agreement in the verb with "Les twats", but this was as close as I could come. "Le twat, c'est moi" is grammatical, but didn't sound as close to "l'état" to my ears. Maybe it's a Canuck thing.

Wonkette is hard – I'm going back to reading PhD theses.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

Michel, Anne, vous twitterez?

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

I prefer

Stig: Venez-vous ici souvent?

Girl: Oui.

Stig: Je vois que vous avez un chou

Girl: Oui.

Maman April 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

Ça va, mon chér, mais vous devez vous laver les mains avant le dîner. Je ne suis jamais sûr de ce que vous faites seul dans votre chambre avec cet ordinateur depuis si longtemps

Doktor StrangeZoom April 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Me love you longtemps

Guppy April 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

Not for posting the election results early, but for posting them in English.

MissTaken April 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

This will put a damper on Sarkozy's cinq à sept today.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

He'll just cut it short.

What?

metamarcisf April 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Marine Le Pen – Pepe Le Pew 2012

BaldarTFlagass April 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

“The engines on Air Sarko One have started,” “The Rolex is in the pawnshop,” “Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic,”

"The head frog has left the lily pad."

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

"Short Sarkozy"

Dashboard Buddha April 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

Jean has a long mustache

io9k9s April 23, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Perhaps, but Radio London is calling

Come here a minute April 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

To avoid detection, they should have posted on Google Plus.

Mojopo April 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Niiice. The ghettos of MySpace are also an option.

FakaktaSouth April 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

What are our cool twat codes for candidates? Obama could be so dangerous to do and RMoney is so fucking boring I don't even know how one could come up for an exceptionally creative nickname for Mittens. I mean, good lord, Mom Jeans and Car Elevator? What about some panache? He sucks.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

How about "Flapjacks" for Mitt and "LongDong" for the Prez?

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

We can start with vegetables. Obama is an eggplant. Romney… christ, this is hard… is a brussel sprout?

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

He's more a legume.

Guppy April 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

Are you trying to say that Romney is a beaner?

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

PEANUT LIBEL!

FakaktaSouth April 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

Aw, an eggplant like poor dead Dennis Hopper taught me about in True Romance. If Pres O's an eggplant, then Rom's a cumquat.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

Can't we just call him a "quat"? Something about anything remotely sexual and Mitt….

commiegirl April 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

No, Miss Lisa, because the Italians actually do call black people "eggplants." In a RACIST way. So that will not do.

Chet Kincaid April 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I was gonna say. I just assumed Ms. Wines was not a Sopranos fan.

lisawines April 24, 2012 at 12:55 am

Haven't owned a TV for years so I am clueless.

lisawines April 24, 2012 at 12:54 am

Well duh stupid moi. Of course it is. But I love eggplants? (lame)

prommie April 23, 2012 at 11:35 am

That was, well, that was, how do I put this politely, my dear? That was not coherent. But it was lovely nonetheless. Dulce et decorum est desaparece in loco.

FakaktaSouth April 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

Whatevs. The lady who wrote this got what I meant. I probably just shouldn't talk about twitter, Parce-que je ne le (la?) comprend pas. is twitting masculine or feminine? See, nevermind.

Chichikovovich April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

chanteuse Carla Bruni

Mme. Sarkoléon sings? How much I learn on Wonkette. I thought her job was just to look good wearing unaffordable clothes and lately to produce la dauphine.

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:36 am

She's actually quite good.

Biff April 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

No, this is how ya do it, Son.

James Michael Curley April 23, 2012 at 11:42 am

Freedom Fries for Everyone! Hold the mayo.

Allmighty_Manos April 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

Take comfort all. Communists like Socialists more than the Fascists like Sakorzy, so get ready for the European bond market to throw a hissy fit.

Gainsbourg69 April 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Le Pen getting the most votes ever for the FN doesn't bode too well for the left. If even half of her supporters turn out to vote against Hollande, Sarkozy wins. The good news is that while the right did well, Melenchon went from 3% to 11% in a matter of months. A further round of austerity and all of the consequences which that entails means the left will be more powerful next time around.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 3:41 am

That, and Melenchon immediately called for this supporters to get behind Hollande and Le Pen has yet to ask her followers to back Sarkozy. If you don't do it right out of the gate, the future endorsement is less effective.

For the first time in a long time, in France, the left is more fervent and organized than the right.

Mojopo April 23, 2012 at 11:50 am

I am delighting in this much. Years ago, my pal in Paris sent me the Sarkozy voodoo doll – the one he tried to ban. It's still in the box, but I did take it out last night to add some strategically placed pins. Thank you, voodoo.

Blueb4sunrise April 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

French post for breakfast.
Alas, a thread nouveau already.

Biff April 23, 2012 at 11:56 am

Le chat Henri 2012!

DahBoner April 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Le French pussy know how to suffer…

DemonicRage April 23, 2012 at 11:57 am

Will the World Economy be thrown into even greater disorder, when the newly elected French President reverses austerity measures and starts spending like a reckless fool? Stay tuned for further developments.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 3:45 am

Huh? France (along with a few other Western European nations) is in the economic situation that it is, at the moment, because of ham-fisted, untargeted "austerity" or austerity's sake. If Western Europe hadn't been so scared of the word "stimulus", they'd be in the position we are in thanks to Obama's "spending like a reckless fool."

Tea party, much?

io9k9s April 23, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The dwarf has a pooley prick…

OneYieldRegular April 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I was disappointed that the guy who wants to build a bridge between Earth and Mars didn't even get 2% of the vote.

ttommyunger April 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Did not know Ted Nugent was French. Nice pix, I guess he's been working out.

SudsMcKenzie April 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Dinklage Libel!12

proudgrampa April 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Was Le Petomane on the ballot? I would have voted for him.

horsedreamer_1 April 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Sarkozy should have taken a page from his homeboy Assad's book & banned the Internet. Though, the inevitable uprising in response led by Frank Ocean would be rough. Still…

kingofmeh April 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm

i don't even understand. since the internet exists, why didn't somebody outside the country tweet the results? why talk in code, when you could just send the results privately to a foreigner to retweet them, unencoded? somehow, i think this was more about coming up with clever code names for the pols than about actually relaying information.

fuflans April 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm

sadly our wingtards are giving the le pens a run for the money.

hommage a baconz: this is 100% snark free.

Negropolis April 24, 2012 at 3:30 am

Apparently, this revolution will be Twitterized.

DahBoner April 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

French Resistance

Back when I was younger, I slept on the couch of a young, nubile Parisian girl, but I did'nt "try anything", so I can't comment on the resistance.

But the odd thing was, I was awoken by her German friend, who LITERALLY broke her door down and came in to check her virginity…

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ah, the first unibody constructed car ever, and a pre-Maserati classic….

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

It will soon become the stuff of French Loire

actor212 April 23, 2012 at 11:45 am

Hand me that plonger, will ya?

Lascauxcaveman April 23, 2012 at 11:54 am

Enough! Oui can't go on this way!

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Parisians use a lot of slang and it took me a long time to get used to it. Just throw out years of French book learning because it's meaningless. You nailed it though, I do have a love/hate thing going. Yes, it's Paris – so romantic, full of culture… but most of the time I skulk around with my eyes down, hoping not to get yelled at on my way to the bus. My visa renewal is coming up and I'm going… hmmm. where else can I go that's cheaper and FRIENDLIER. :-)

lisawines April 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And I forgot the infamous bureaucracy. To do anything you have to have 52 copies of everything… My friend who moved here 20 years ago needed stamps so she went to the post office and stood in line for hours, only to be told with indignation that stamps were sold at Tabacs (tobacco stores). Classic.

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