Waiting for Carla BruniIn the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn’t have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you’ll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake.

But a certain provocateur marcvasseur asked his friends to come up with a Twitter hash tag to communicate coded election results, and #RadioLondres, for Charles de Gaulle’s WWII coded radio broadcasts to the French Resistance, was hatched.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the incumbent, was Rolex (for gaucheness), the dwarf/midget (he’s been busted many times either standing on his tippy toes or on a little box in order to appear taller next to his wife, chanteuse Carla Bruni, or the Obamas), Budapest (he’s Hungarian) and of course, Napoleon (he is a gauche Hungarian dwarf/midget).

Francois Hollande, the Socialist candidate (and winner of round one) was Flanby (a wobbly packaged flan dessert). The third-place crazy nationalist and immigrant hater (and daughter of the 2007 third-place candidate, KKK bosom pal Jean-Marie Le Pen), Marine Le Pen, was called many bad names, with “Vichy” and “Nuremberg” being the baddest.

Sarkozy critics gleefully envisioned his impending eviction from the Élysée Palace: “The engines on Air Sarko One have started,” “The Rolex is in the pawnshop,” “Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic,” and finally, just before 7pm, at the height of that day’s tweets-per-minute (16,662), melclalex tweeted Sarkozy’s demise:

But Socialist Hollande, at 28.63 percent to Sarkozy’s 27.18 percent, does not have the election in his Birkin bag. Marine Le Pen could take her frightening 20% Vichy votes and throw them to Sarkozy.

Meanwhile, the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

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  • chascates

    Les sanglots longs
    Des violons
    De l’automne
    Blessent mon cœur
    D’une langueur

    • Yam! Bam! mon chat Splash
      Git sur mon lit a bouffe
      sa langue en buvant tout mon whisky
      quant a moi peu dormi, vide, brime
      J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere
      Ou j'ai eu un flash
      En quatre couleurs

      • And this is what they say as their prayers before they go to bed.

        • I listened to this song and The Normal's Warm Leatherette once on PCP.

          I've not been the same since.

        • sewollef

          Say their prayers…. I don't think there's a single catholic left in the country. They're all godless socialists or godless gaullists or — god help us — fucking crazy fascists.

        • You're going to spoil my fun!

        • Visit England for the cuisine, Germany for the comedy and France for the rock 'n' roll. Can't go wrong.

          • Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?

            Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

      • prommie

        Stick with Plastique, stay away from Elton Motello.

    • By the looks on the faces on the Metro, this must be what French people say every morning when they get up.

    • Chichikovovich


  • Wow. It's almost like the French were used to being occupied or something, all these codes…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      This talent is actually encoded in their DNA.

      • Terry

        It's a skill learned from their grandparents. Remember that over 90% of French people were active members of the Resistance in WW2.

        • Biff

          Fat lot of good that did, right? Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys meme forEVAR!

        • MosesInvests

          No, 90% of French people *claimed* to be active members of the Resistance *after* WW2. Most were either fairly apathetic, and quite a few were actively collaborating with Le Boche. This of course does not detract from the valor of those French people who really were members of the Resistance.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          And there were absolutely zero Nazis to be found in Germany after the war.

    • sewollef

      Not totally, but so, so close to the truth.

      When asked about my 'aventure amoureuse secrète' with France — since I used to live in Toulouse — I liked to remind my French friends that England and France have been at war at some point, for every single century for the past 1,000 years — with the exception of the 20th century.

      Since they invaded and conquered us in 1066, the Brits have paid them back every century by whupping their asses in virtually every war for the subsequent 800 years. And occupied parts of their country for most of that time.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Aux armes, les citoyens!

    • To arms, lemons?

      Oh, citOYens! My error.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Citroens do have a rather bad reputation for reliability.

        • chascates

          Likewise the French army.

          • Non non! They are very reliable! They show up, they surrender!

          • Negropolis

            Ask the Algerians about that one.

        • Mon point, exactement!

          I always thought that was one of the more clever synchronicities in language.

  • Goonemeritus

    I leave it to the French to have a three-way with socialist a corporatist and a Nazi.

    • At least they are being honest with their people and offering clear alternatives. Oops, I forgot the French should always be the punchline, whether you're left or right!

    • proudgrampa

      I thought you were going to tell a story:

      "A socialist, a corporatist, and a Nazi walk into a bar…"

      • George Spelvin

        And the bartender says "Hi, Mitt".

  • freakishlywrong

    Is it Twatte is Francois?

    • Barrelhse

      "Francoise" I think, at least the ones I've seen.

  • I wasn't aware Rolexes were considered gauche these days. Surveying the greater habitat of wristwatches, I'd figured the overall species went extinct some time ago.

      • Reaction to Sarkozy's pal's assertion:

        "…We would like to shove Seguela's own Rolex down his throat."

        I find it funny that this guy uses "Rolex" as a measurement of opulence and affluence — seems like there's lots of competition available for *bling* or any number of trappings more emblematic of financial success than a Rolex!

        • My GUESS is that the French are big on understated elegance. The little black dress with pearls and little black flats, etc. They despise bling. Also, this week, while campaigning he added insult to injury, he took his watch off as he began to shake hands with people. La Deluge!

          • You seem a bit love/hate on your expatriate refuge. I don't know how you manage living there, the French don't pronounce their language properly. I have a lot easier time conversing with Francophone Africans, with my toddler French skills.

          • Parisians use a lot of slang and it took me a long time to get used to it. Just throw out years of French book learning because it's meaningless. You nailed it though, I do have a love/hate thing going. Yes, it's Paris – so romantic, full of culture… but most of the time I skulk around with my eyes down, hoping not to get yelled at on my way to the bus. My visa renewal is coming up and I'm going… hmmm. where else can I go that's cheaper and FRIENDLIER. :-)

          • And I forgot the infamous bureaucracy. To do anything you have to have 52 copies of everything… My friend who moved here 20 years ago needed stamps so she went to the post office and stood in line for hours, only to be told with indignation that stamps were sold at Tabacs (tobacco stores). Classic.

    • Fare la Volpe

      The only human being I know who still wears a wristwatch is my father, and I'm not so sure about him*

      *his human beingness, not his watch-wearing

      • SorosBot

        Hey, I wear a wristwatch. And knowing the time can be useful.

        • JerkCade

          Three cheers for the wristwatch and not having to fish out my cellphone.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Do you not own a phone?

          • Have you ever tried to check your phone while juggling steaks on a 600-degree grill with barbecue mitts on?

        • knowing the time can be useful

          Virginia's own guv'nr McDonnell, representin'!

    • Biff

      I don't give a rat's ass about any watch, let alone a Rolex, because like Cheech and Chong, I'm not into time, man. I am a big fan of the Rolex Series of sports car races, though.

  • chicken_thief

    I'm surprised the cheese eating surrender monkeys* didn't just give up.

    *hat tip to the wonketteer who made that up.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Groundskeeper Willy is a Wonketteer?

      • chicken_thief

        Thanks, Dok, for the proper attribution – I know I didn't make it up but remembered from some earlier post here.

  • boobookitteh

    Vive La Resistance!

  • freakishlywrong

    And fuck me. If the fucking FRENCH can even elect a socialist, the rest of us are screwed.

    • How dare you beret-te the good ol' US of A!

      • Pfft — Don't be a pain in the breadbasket.

        • My finger: poulette

          • freakishlywrong

            Seine-onara austerity!

          • It will soon become the stuff of French Loire

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Enough! Oui can't go on this way!

          • "My finger: poulette "

            Your double-entendres go down like a croque, monsieur.

          • Hand me that plonger, will ya?

    • freakishlywrong

      I meant "cant". Stupid.

  • I have just opened an account on meetic. I am
    La DerrickWildcat69LOL.

  • Last flight to Budapest now boarding.

  • Where's the birf certificate? Sarkozy? What the hell kind of French name is that?

    Wait… whut? The cheez eating surrender monkeys ne sont pas stupide as US Americans?!!?! C'est dommage.

    • James Michael Curley

      C'est fromage

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Philippe Pétain.

  • SorosBot

    Wait the French have elections now? But I thought Freedom and Democracy were only allowed in America, according to Fox News.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Um, you mean "the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth"? Yeah, it's just us. (as long as you don't change the channel, otherwise you will be SO confused)

    • And the Communist candidate placed 4th. The Anti-Capitalist candidate forgot her was running, though. But anyway, with all that socilism/markism running amok, the world will surely explode.

    • sullivanst

      Funny story.

      Although it does predate Fox, so not entirely their fault.

      When I was a kid we lived in Ohio for a couple of years (I'm a Brit expat, this was way before I immigrated permanently). My mum (sorry, she'll always have that spelling to me) visited my sister's class on I dunno I guess bring-your-parent-to-school day. One of the kids asked her "What's it like, finally living in a free country?"

  • Buzz Feedback

    Didn't know you could post on Twitter from the MiniTel.

  • SexySmurf

    How many votes did Jerry Lewis get?

    • freakishlywrong

      All of em', Smurf.

  • chascates

    I think Marine Le Pen got 18% so not everyone is on the same barricade there.

    • You're right. 17.9%. That is 2.1% less scary. We'll take any fear reduction we can get.

    • About one in five felt Sarkozy hadn't gone far enough in deporting Romanians.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        In America, 23% of Americans think George W Bush was a great president. So France is, what, about 5% less stupid than the greatest nation ever? Not bad for a bunch of socialistic surrender monkeys.

      • horsedreamer_1

        It's all those horned pachyderms they bring with them.

        & don't get me started on the baby-dada drama.

  • BZ1

    King Sarkozy may be evicted from the Palaise? Quelle Horreur!!

    • L'etape, c'est moi!

      • sullivanst

        Just a passing stage…

      • Chichikovovich

        Les twats, c'est moi [et mes copains].

        • Bien joue, monsieur!

          *coup de golf poli*


          • Chichikovovich

            Merci. I couldn't find a way to get number agreement in the verb with "Les twats", but this was as close as I could come. "Le twat, c'est moi" is grammatical, but didn't sound as close to "l'état" to my ears. Maybe it's a Canuck thing.

            Wonkette is hard – I'm going back to reading PhD theses.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Michel, Anne, vous twitterez?

    • I prefer

      Stig: Venez-vous ici souvent?

      Girl: Oui.

      Stig: Je vois que vous avez un chou

      Girl: Oui.

    • Ça va, mon chér, mais vous devez vous laver les mains avant le dîner. Je ne suis jamais sûr de ce que vous faites seul dans votre chambre avec cet ordinateur depuis si longtemps

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Me love you longtemps

  • Guppy

    the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

    Not for posting the election results early, but for posting them in English.

  • MissTaken

    This will put a damper on Sarkozy's cinq à sept today.

    • He'll just cut it short.


  • metamarcisf

    Marine Le Pen – Pepe Le Pew 2012

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “The engines on Air Sarko One have started,” “The Rolex is in the pawnshop,” “Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic,”

    "The head frog has left the lily pad."

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Jean has a long mustache

    • io9k9s

      Perhaps, but Radio London is calling

  • Come here a minute

    To avoid detection, they should have posted on Google Plus.

    • Mojopo

      Niiice. The ghettos of MySpace are also an option.

  • FakaktaSouth

    What are our cool twat codes for candidates? Obama could be so dangerous to do and RMoney is so fucking boring I don't even know how one could come up for an exceptionally creative nickname for Mittens. I mean, good lord, Mom Jeans and Car Elevator? What about some panache? He sucks.

    • How about "Flapjacks" for Mitt and "LongDong" for the Prez?

    • We can start with vegetables. Obama is an eggplant. Romney… christ, this is hard… is a brussel sprout?

      • He's more a legume.

        • Guppy

          Are you trying to say that Romney is a beaner?

      • FakaktaSouth

        Aw, an eggplant like poor dead Dennis Hopper taught me about in True Romance. If Pres O's an eggplant, then Rom's a cumquat.

        • Can't we just call him a "quat"? Something about anything remotely sexual and Mitt….

      • commiegirl

        No, Miss Lisa, because the Italians actually do call black people "eggplants." In a RACIST way. So that will not do.

        • I was gonna say. I just assumed Ms. Wines was not a Sopranos fan.

          • Haven't owned a TV for years so I am clueless.

        • Well duh stupid moi. Of course it is. But I love eggplants? (lame)

    • prommie

      That was, well, that was, how do I put this politely, my dear? That was not coherent. But it was lovely nonetheless. Dulce et decorum est desaparece in loco.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Whatevs. The lady who wrote this got what I meant. I probably just shouldn't talk about twitter, Parce-que je ne le (la?) comprend pas. is twitting masculine or feminine? See, nevermind.

  • Chichikovovich

    chanteuse Carla Bruni

    Mme. Sarkoléon sings? How much I learn on Wonkette. I thought her job was just to look good wearing unaffordable clothes and lately to produce la dauphine.

  • James Michael Curley

    Freedom Fries for Everyone! Hold the mayo.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Take comfort all. Communists like Socialists more than the Fascists like Sakorzy, so get ready for the European bond market to throw a hissy fit.

    • Gainsbourg69

      Le Pen getting the most votes ever for the FN doesn't bode too well for the left. If even half of her supporters turn out to vote against Hollande, Sarkozy wins. The good news is that while the right did well, Melenchon went from 3% to 11% in a matter of months. A further round of austerity and all of the consequences which that entails means the left will be more powerful next time around.

      • Negropolis

        That, and Melenchon immediately called for this supporters to get behind Hollande and Le Pen has yet to ask her followers to back Sarkozy. If you don't do it right out of the gate, the future endorsement is less effective.

        For the first time in a long time, in France, the left is more fervent and organized than the right.

  • Mojopo

    I am delighting in this much. Years ago, my pal in Paris sent me the Sarkozy voodoo doll – the one he tried to ban. It's still in the box, but I did take it out last night to add some strategically placed pins. Thank you, voodoo.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    French post for breakfast.
    Alas, a thread nouveau already.

  • Biff

    Le chat Henri 2012!

    • DahBoner

      Le French pussy know how to suffer…

  • DemonicRage

    Will the World Economy be thrown into even greater disorder, when the newly elected French President reverses austerity measures and starts spending like a reckless fool? Stay tuned for further developments.

    • Negropolis

      Huh? France (along with a few other Western European nations) is in the economic situation that it is, at the moment, because of ham-fisted, untargeted "austerity" or austerity's sake. If Western Europe hadn't been so scared of the word "stimulus", they'd be in the position we are in thanks to Obama's "spending like a reckless fool."

      Tea party, much?

  • io9k9s

    The dwarf has a pooley prick…

  • OneYieldRegular

    I was disappointed that the guy who wants to build a bridge between Earth and Mars didn't even get 2% of the vote.

  • ttommyunger

    Did not know Ted Nugent was French. Nice pix, I guess he's been working out.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Dinklage Libel!12

  • proudgrampa

    Was Le Petomane on the ballot? I would have voted for him.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Sarkozy should have taken a page from his homeboy Assad's book & banned the Internet. Though, the inevitable uprising in response led by Frank Ocean would be rough. Still…

  • kingofmeh

    i don't even understand. since the internet exists, why didn't somebody outside the country tweet the results? why talk in code, when you could just send the results privately to a foreigner to retweet them, unencoded? somehow, i think this was more about coming up with clever code names for the pols than about actually relaying information.

  • fuflans

    sadly our wingtards are giving the le pens a run for the money.

    hommage a baconz: this is 100% snark free.

  • Negropolis

    Apparently, this revolution will be Twitterized.

  • DahBoner

    French Resistance

    Back when I was younger, I slept on the couch of a young, nubile Parisian girl, but I did'nt "try anything", so I can't comment on the resistance.

    But the odd thing was, I was awoken by her German friend, who LITERALLY broke her door down and came in to check her virginity…

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