worse than seeing a mexican

Jester’s Reporte: HRH ‘Patty’ Noonington Is A Communist

Such uncouthitryGood heavens! This electronick “ABCNews.com” reporte suggesteth that regent-lord HRH Peggington Noonington, chief wordsmithingtonshire of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, is a Communiste, as though She keepeth court with textile-craffters or Chicagoe Africkans.

Her Highness Queen Noonington also doth not beareth the street-commoner name “Patty.” Wereth that her name, She wouldst have killedington’d Herself in the Warr of Spainery Shipps, or perhaps at The Deville’s Cliffs à Do-ver. Thine “ABCNews.com” magicko-light’ning machine must apologizeth to Madame for this dread-full smearity post haste, lest She informmeth her Barrister to proceede a Suit-of-Laws.

[ABC News]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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143 comments

        1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

          Have to agree w/ BSL, I always hear these in a screeching Monty Python drag voice…

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            Yep, Terry Jones in a housecoat is always how I picture/hear Lady Nooooonnnertonnne.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Just be glad you don't teach 8th grade algebra, then. If doing the same thing gets you down.

      1. mayor_quimby

        And because of it, I had a drink this evening while watching Dame Noonington on This Week.
        She .. Just.. Speaks….. So …. Deliberately…

        1. Negropolis

          Isn't it something, then, that she can speak so much and with so much verbage and yet still say so very little? That's a talent. Sarah Palin also has this gift, though, far less refined. Watching Sarah speak is like chimps, typewritters and Shakespeare, like some kind of juxtaposition you'd see at a modern art museum.

          One of these days, that woman is going to (accidentally) impart upon us some wisdom for the ages. And, then, surely, it will be the end of time.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            "One of these days, that woman is going to (accidentally) impart upon us some wisdom for the ages. And, then, surely, it will be the end of time."

            No. She won't. Time will never end. Eternity is forever. Because Sarah Palin will never, ever, ever, accidentally, or on purpose, impart upon us some wisdom for the ages.

            Were she to somehow do so, we would never know, because it could only happen if the universe suddenly contracted upon itself in a huge big-bang-reversing universal fart, in which case we would not even have time to register a startled "huh"?

    1. flamingpdog

      It could be worse, Barb. It could be me having a sex dream tonight where Newell has a British accent.

      1. Barb

        I keep having this reoccurring dream where Matthew McConaughey show up at my house and takes me out and buys me a big diamond ring. Then we have a huge wedding. I have NO idea what it means though.

  1. mavenmaven

    "underscore who you want to be" Well, for Romney that changes about every fifteen minutes.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      No, Mitt knows he wants to be a charming likeable guy who you can see as President. What changes is his story of why you should see him that way and what he's willing to say to try and get you to see him that way.

    2. Callyson

      Didn't the army used to have a slogan "Be all that you can be?" Mittens is merely trying to live up to that idea. In his case, mission accomplished!

  2. EtchySketchy

    Comrade Reagans's speech writer outed? Oh Noes.

    The wing-nuts have finally cracked the linchpin in our great Socialist Conspiracy.

  3. OzoneTom

    Wait. When did Peggington become a member of the House Progressive Caucus?

    Everything that I know that is worth knowing I have learned from reading Newell's articles.

  4. EtchySketchy

    Nice job, ABCNews.com That was a beautifully written piece. You don't often see writing that good, unless it's on Sarah Palin's palm.

  5. EtchySketchy

    "The no. 1 goal for Romney ought to be avoiding the fiasco … "

    No. 2 actually, no.1 goal is finishing that freckking car elevator in his California home.

  6. Pragmatist2

    Hey! Time out!!!!
    What's with all the weekend Wonkette posts?
    I need my weekends to catch up on my drinking.

    1. OzoneTom

      You may have missed the recent coup d'etat in which our new overlordrix deposed the late dear leader.

      1. Pragmatist2

        No. I caught that. But I never imagined that she would actually work on weekends.
        Might as well go to law school if you are going to work weekends.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Who can resist a chance to roll out the Dame Peggington sarcast-o-matic 9000? Not Newell, and a damn good thing too.

    1. V572 Fehrnstrom

      But never an ex-Trotskyite, like our late, lamented Hitch. Pretty sure she didn't join the Venceremos Brigade either—too hard on the flawless skin.

        1. V572 Fehrnstrom

          Erectile libel!But I’ll tell you who I saw in an insomniac moment on MSNBC this morning that did:https://www.google.com/search?q=Rula+Jebreal&hl=en&safe=off&rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS431US431&prmd=imvnso&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=NqeUT_OyMeqXiAKtrt0c&ved=0CDYQsAQ&biw=1228&bih=786&sei=OKeUT76kOeWaiAKYjvUVBorn in Palestine, smart as a whip, killer smile, trained as a physiotherapist in Italy, speaks five languages, screenwriter, novelist, journalist…and did I mention physiotherapy? Imagine the massages…

  7. chascates

    She's probably the most uptight, Pope-loving, Reagan-worshipping commie that ever drew a breath.

    1. chitrade

      Noonan has always been into liberation theology. I remember when she stood shoulder-to-shoulder with those bishops in Nicaragua.

      Doh, that was her laughing about the nuns getting killed in Nicaragua. "Sistahs had it coming!"

  8. Mahousu

    Oh dear. I assume Allen West outed Patty, er, Peggy, too. He will be positively unstoppable now.

  9. chitrade

    When the Pegster writes in public and breaks it down, telling you to "stay cool and don't fuck this up", you'd better listen, rom-bot.

    I'm going to lay money on Willard just cold having a McCain Moment and screwing this one up.

    Romney/Bachmann 2012!

    (Marcus, natch)

  10. Chet Kincaid

    Mitt seems like the kind of guy who would stand around awkwardly while I had a beer, or even just a damned cup of coffee! Douche Upper-Manager That Nobody's Comfortable Hanging Out With 2012!!

    1. chascates

      I think of the 'Executive Baseball League' cartoon where the ball is rolling past one of the executive players and he says "somebody pick that up"!

  11. torera

    But to get serious, guys, DO NOT invest in whatever speech recognition software ABCNews.com is using. Or ABC for that matter.

  12. Serolf_Divad

    I always suspected that the disingenuous bullshit she pens, –punctuated as it is by that ridiculous over-abundance of melancholy sighs betraying the heartfelt earnestness of a middle aged prostitute's mid-afternoon orgasm– couldn't possibly be anything more than a crypto-communist's ploy to make conservatives appear even stupider than we always imagined them to be.

    1. V572 Fehrnstrom

      Really? Pretty sure she believes every word, particularly the superfluous and pretentious ones.

          1. V572 Fehrnstrom

            Thank you! Love the first pic, with Fidelista hat and bug-eye shades. But we’d have to try out the massage skills of both to render a fair opinion.

          2. horsedreamer_1

            It's moments like these when Augusto Pinochet laments his death & inability both to tighten shackles & maintain an erection.

            & the CIA is no help: they demurred when they found out she's laity.

        1. Blueb4sunrise

          Hey Barb, at the store today I saw a product called Barbara's Puffins.
          Know anything about them?

  13. Dudleydidwrong

    That explaineth away the signed portrait of V. I. Lenin that hangeth above the canopied bed in which Dame Patty tosseth, turneth, and maketh merry all the live-long day. When I asked about the portrait she shushethed me royally. Now I knoweth that she was, in her day, Lord Lenin's paramour, proving again that politics maketh strange bedfellows and bedladies.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Darling, you must prepare wax-cylinder pressings of your delightful readings of the Collected Newell Workes of Noonington!! You are the most ideally suited thespian for the task, because your gaze falleth upon the daily life of the Moor about your castle, morning, Noonan and night! I would pay three, nay four shillings by the platter, or 99 cents for a download!

  14. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Although Jim has taken the art of Noonan-ridicule to undreamed-of heights, let us not forget that it was the dear departed Ken Layne who first skewered her so mercilessly and hilariously.
    http://wonkette.com/275831/peggy-noonan-saw-a-mex

    Has any other writer parleyed one so-so metaphor ("a thousand points of light") into such a lucrative career?

  15. WiscDad

    I love 'journalists' that rely on auto-correct and feel no need to edit their pieces. Reminds me of a mistake a co-worker sent to the entire company with the line "…we apologize for any incontinence'. fucking outlarious

  16. Chet Kincaid

    I would pay fourscore farthings for a magickally 'shoppe-altered Daguerreotype of Dame Peggington Noonington receiving the sternest discipline upon her rosy fundament from a wrought-iron, piston-powered, steam-punke spanking contrivance.

  17. SudsMcKenzie

    If we wait by the River long enough, …. we will watch a Newel-Noonan post float by.

  18. Jukesgrrl

    I wonder which upset her most, "Communist" or "Patty"? My guess is Patty. If they can't even get the name right, how relevant could she be?

  19. flamingpdog

    Oh great. I go off for a while, and then when I read the post, I keep going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth to the linked ABC news story to try and find where the fuck they called Noonan a communist before I finally figured out ABC actually corrected the story. Thanks for updating your post, Newell. I better have an extra p tomorrow morning for the aggravation.

  20. Boojum

    Milady Noonington hath suffr'st most Grievous Libbelle. Churl, pr'parest thou thine An-Sword, as we contest upon the Field of Law!

  21. Veritas78

    Some of us are called to Jesus, some to Allah, some to crime or vile debasement.

    Happily for us, Jim is called to Dame Peggyopteryx!

    (Btw, Ginger — the next season of Noonington Abbey has a cameo by Margie "Dribble-Bib" Thatcher. Pirate previews now out in Hong Kong. HOT!! Especially when the Tony Blair stand-in yanks her dentures out to skull-floss her!)

  22. ttommyunger

    I've watched her, read her and heard her. Don't know which is the more unpleasant experience. Thank God I've never had to smell her. Prolly smells like someone took a dump in a flower shop.

  23. Negropolis

    Ah, Middle English, and English that makes even less sense than modern English.

    So glad to see Peggy back in the news, if even not by her own doing…or, maybe particularly because it's not of her own doing. Nobody was really sure if she was from the House of Lords…

  24. BZ1

    She was blabbering again this morning, going on about something or other, about businessmen being the best to run the country (into the ground?) …

  25. Negropolis

    God help you, ABCnews.com, if you push Dame Nooningtonshire to retreat to her war salon. For the love of everything good and holy, it will all be over if you've cornered her in the war salon. With great trouble, one could survive the onslaught she can write up and unleash from within her drawing room, but the war salon means but sudden, rhetorical death.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yum Foods is Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. If they're leaving ALEC, something is going right no matter what Grandpa Cornpants thinks.

      I'm having a houseguest this coming week who drinks nothing but bottled fizzy water of the Evian/San Pellegrino variety. Anyone know which one Coca-Cola owns … I'll buy that.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Coke owns Dasani, which was hastily removed from the UK after being found to be contaminated with bromate.

        Amusingly, Dasani is actually Detroit tap water which has undergone some variety of cleansing process. Actually, most of the "big brand" bottled waters use this trick, e.g. Aquafina.

        If you want the most bastard sparkling water, it's probably Arrowhead Sparkling – specifically the large "eco-sense" containers. Owned by notorious asshats Nestle and sourced from the Livermore (CA) municipal water supply.

        If you buy that, I'll take a whizz in the nearest reservoir to there in your honour.

        1. Negropolis

          Motor City libel! I'll have you know that Detroit actually has some awesome tasting, award-winning tap water, good sir!

        2. prommie

          Greatest feat of marketing ever; Coke now sells essentially empty bottles, for the same price they used to charge for bottles of coke. Probably use less water then they used to use washing the bottling line.

    2. Radiotherapy

      I just splurt a rum and coca-cola onto my keyboard.
      Good luck with that one, elected ruminant.

  26. Negropolis

    BTW, totally OT, but it will be so nice to see Lil' Napoleon Sarkozy ousted, though, I am still disgused to see the Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pens of Western Europe continue to poll so well.

    1. sewollef

      You and me both, on your last point.

      Although I've lived in NYC for nearly 10 years now, I previously lived in southern France [Toulouse], which has a largish Algerian population west of the city [as does several French cities, particularly Marseille.

      It's complicated in France.... given their totally amazing resistance fighters and the high esteem they are held in, but part of the problem is, the older generation of Frenchmen that served in the military. They often served in the Algerian war of Independence — a particularly brutal and vicious war.

      Much of the racism stems from that, and of course the first thing parents do is infect their children with the same racism the parents have. My ex-father in law lived in a gated upper middle class community in Marseille [a city I love] and he hated the Algerian immigrants. A generally hard-working community with amazing food, restaurants and history.

      He was a bigot and probably will vote for Le Pen. We used to argue, since I kept referring to Le Pen, as "that fascist piece of shit". By the way, his daughter [the new leader — or should I say Fuhrer], is the same fascist piece of shit as her father.

      It seems the shit doesn't poop far from the asshole….

  27. valthemus

    Unless Peggers is about to go all Bruce Banner and go on a Hulk-style rampage through the streets and buildings of downtown DC over this, I careth not.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      That is just so good. I fucking hate Starkey. He was always a complete condescending, bullying cunt on any Radio 4 program he was ever on.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Damn, John Cook, I remember him at Gawker. He, Newell and Lawson were the only ones who could make that place bearable.

      I'm happy to report that she seemed incredibly inebriated

      Then the wonkerrati and Dame Peggingstone Nooningtonmobile have at least one thing in common.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Maybe I'm drunk, but I only understood about every 5th word of this post.

    Work, booze, work…

  29. Fukui-sanYesOta

    OT:

    Jon Huntsman talks sense

    Jon Huntsman leveled harsh criticism at his party on Sunday evening, BuzzFeed's Zeke Miller reported, comparing the Republican Party to communist China and questioning the strength of this year's presidential field.

    Huntsman also spoke on Sunday about his presidential candidacy, revealing that he was less than impressed by his fellow candidates when he attended his first debate in August.

    He also joked that his wife forbade him to pander to the party's far-right contingency ahead of Iowa's caucuses, which likely hurt him with conservative voters in the Hawkeye State.

    “She said if you pandered, if you sign any of those damn pledges, I’ll leave you,” Huntsman said. "So I had to say I believe in science — and people on stage look at you quizzically as though you're … an oddball."

    Haha, speaks Chinese (I forget whether Mandarin or Cantonese – I think Mandarin), was an ambassador, believes in science and is reasonably sane. No place in the modern Republican party.

    1. Negropolis

      Ah, a lover scorned. He sure did try to get a seat at their table, even going as so far as to say that the EPA was "terrorizing" the country and back-tracked on anthropogenic climate change. Reap what you sow. Shows how far his party has moved that even the governor of a state as red as Utah (I believe it's in the Top 5), can't even compete in a Republican primary.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        It's honestly scary. Huntsman is a righty mcrightster git on issues, but just couldn't pass the "batshit fucking insane" test.

  30. smitallica

    So, in "Patty's" expert analysis, Romney should avoid doing something stupid that will cause him to lose?

    No wonder she gets paid the big bucks.

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