Colson Out!

We Won’t have Chuck Colson To Kick Around Anymore

Total crookWatergate warrior Chuck Colson died. He was 80 years old.

Colson was most famous for going above and beyond the law for disgraced President Richard “Dick” Nixon, thus becoming one of America’s first humiliated and imprisoned American heroes. (He served less than a year in prison for his role in “Watergate,” which was a political scandal famous for being the first of the next eleven thousand “gates” in American politics.) But underneath his hatred and strong signs of sociopathic behavior beat the heart of a good man, some idiots think.

Colson’s time in prison was well spent. Before even leaving the transport van to the pokey, the back door to his new career was blown open with a mighty thrust of Jesus. That’s how Prison Fellowship was erected in 1976. Later in life, as he cozied further up to Jesus, he started talking on “BreakPoint,” a radio show which aired on stations nationwide. In 2008, President Dubya awarded him the Presidential Citizens Medal for “his good heart and his compassionate efforts to renew a spirit of purpose in the lives of countless individuals” and also for being a white man and a Republican.

Colson was remembered by many today for his achievements in prison rotting and finding the lord.

David Frum, former special assistant to President George W. Bush and current Republican non grata, twitted that Colson made his “greatest impact when furthest from power.”

Great American racist Pat Buchanan, Nixon vixen, called Colson “a tremendously good friend of mine” and “a real example of redemption. I think his life is a model for people who got themselves into trouble.”

Rick Santorum, frothnacious loser to Willard, described Colson as “a humble man who learned from his own frailty to care for the ‘least of these,’ especially prisoners.”

Willard Romney, GOP calendar girl, offered his prayers to Colson’s kin and “all the people he touched.” (Willard and his prison jokes!)

“Chuck Colson embodied and made possible an immeasurable amount of good in the lives of the people, families and communities he served in bringing a message of faith and hope.”

You are with Jesus and Richard Nixon now, Colon Colson.

[CNN]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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148 comments

  1. Dashboard Buddha

    Tell a lie often enough…

    (I know I uttered this in another thread, but I think I'm starting to see a trend here.)

  2. bumfug

    Colson realized that politics might have fleeting power but thumping a bible to con the rubes was a long-term gig.

  3. Reginald_Perrin

    I was taught to say only good things about the dead….
    Chuck Colson is dead, good!

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Nor I to sucker punch him, which in no way involves man-on-skull action, just fist-on-cheek action. He had a sign in his White House office, "If you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow".

    1. Beowoof

      Ah G. Gordon with his radio show and claim to fame of being a bad burglar. Shit the Hamburglar could have done a better job at the Watergate than that moron.

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      Forget that, he'll still be biting the heads off live rats and climbing tall trees in thunderstorms when we're dead and buried. You can't kill a man born to choke on rat or fall out of a tree. It's Chinatown.

    1. Vecchiojohn

      You liberals are such meanies. I'm sure he's in one of heaven's finer gated communities, playing golf with Nixon and Pinochet.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    In lieu of flowers, he family asks that donations NOT be made in his name to the Brookings Institute.

  5. Barb

    With any luck we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore either. Time magazine released their "Top 100 Most Influential…" list and Mama Grizzly didn't make the list.

    Bah, ha, ha! (takes a breath) Bah, ha, ha,!

    1. Beowoof

      After her contract is up with Fox I don't expect to see her much on the TV. Well she is on Fox which means I would never see her anyway. When she was on Today, the wife went around and made sure every TV in the house was on Current.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I'm wondering what the brief two week flirtation with whatever station shows Matt Lauer. Palin was heavily promoted as making a couple Tuesday Morning appearances. Did not seen either, did not want to. Then Matt Lauer was on vacation and no announcements of Palin. Does NMC seriously thing this will compete with Charlie Rose?

  6. FraAnima

    'blown open with a mighty thrust of Jesus', and of his cellmate Leroy 'the Johnson' Johnson.

    Turning tricks for Jesus. I hope he has found his place on his knees in heaven.

  7. SteveMcCroskey

    Hunter Thompson once suggested that Colson "should be tied by his testicles behind an Olds 88 and dragged down Pennsylvania Avenue."

    Just throwing that out there…

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Throw in a color guard and some horses, and you've got your funeral procession right there.

  8. AlterNewt

    "Mr. Colson died Saturday at 80. His death was confirmed by Jim Liske, chief executive of the Lansdowne, Va.-based Prison Fellowship Ministries that Mr. Colson founded. Liske said the preliminary cause of death was complications from brain surgery Mr. Colson had at the end of March. He underwent the surgery to remove a clot…"

    His conscience must have finally awakened.

  9. Doktor StrangeZoom

    All the remaining Watergate conspirators are going to start kicking soon. My kid's gonna get a good education about this stuff.

    EDIT: Actually, I was surprised to see how many of them have already gone to their reward. Damn, I'm old. Of the big names that everyone knows, we're down to Dean, Magruder, & Liddy. Of those three, Liddy seems most likely to live forever, since he obviously has a pact with Satan.

    1. b[redact]opple

      Don't worry, we are working on it! Last year my aunt Martha almost accidentally beat Gordon Liddy to death with a Chrysler brochure at the Washington Auto Show. It was quite a scene. Does everyone know that Liddy is about 5 feet tall and completely senile?

  10. SorosBot

    Chuck, as a Watergate history buff, I'm glad your dead. Now of the Nixonian criminals, we only have Kissinger to kick around anymore (well and Dean, but he switched sides after they tried to put the blame in hum).

  11. LibrulEleet

    George McGovern gets the last laugh. He's outlived almost all the GOP clowns who screwed him in '72. (Knock on wood.)

  12. pinkocommi

    Funny how all these terrible people "find Jesus" when they go to prison. I've never been to prison myself, which must account for both my staunch atheism and my inherent value as a person.

    1. finallyhappy

      For a white guy, it's either Jesus or the Aryan Brotherhood- or maybe that's the same thing

        1. finallyhappy

          Debra Wilson was one of our favorites- we met her at Mel's Diner in LA (when she was on the show) – she was the nicest person. But I digress

  13. redarmyzombie

    I only wish, Barb. Unfortunately though, I think her word salad days are far from over…

      1. redarmyzombie

        Especially considering how her husband's a traitor, y'know? (Alaska secessionist and all…)

        1. Barb

          I think the idea is that her PAC will choose worthy people to support. What kind of dweeb would let her make decisions with their money like that?

  14. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Now Colson won't be able to run over his own grandmother to get Nixon re-elected. Maybe in heaven or hell or the collective consciousness, Chuck's granny can tell him how she felt about this assertion.

  15. Local_Mojo

    This is one of those rare occasions when I hope there is an eternally-burning fiery pit. And I hope Chuck Colson guessed really, really badly on how to stay out of it.

  16. charliearglist

    Around the time he found JHC, the National Lampoon ran a picture of him with the speech balloon "I'd walk over my grandmother for Jesus Christ."

  17. Bonghits4Jesus

    God-botherer-in-chief, Chuck Colson just popped out of Satan's anus. Have fun at the weenie roast, creep!

  18. littlebigdaddy

    Damn. And I didn't even have the Chuck Colson card from the Watergate commemorative set. Got three G.G. Liddys, though.

  19. owhatever

    The Damn! Have any of these eulogizing blowhards read "All the President's Men?" Chuck Colson was not a righteous teddy bear, but an evil prick, and by now, God has drop-kicked his fat dead ass down the stairs of eternity.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Oddly, I am sure "voice of the DC zeitgeist" Bob Woodward is leading the charge to extol Colson.

  20. Wile E. Quixote

    So, who do you think gave up the booty quicker once the cell door slammed shut? Colson or G. Gordon Liddy? My money is on Liddy, I think that his tough guy act is just a thin veneer and that he's a punk-ass bitch to the core.

    1. flamingpdog

      Nom, nom, nom! I hope her intestinal flora is up to the task.

      Sidenote: I bought of bunch of the New Mexico centennial postage stamps today. They are purty!

      Sidenote #2: As least now we know what you looked like 48 or 49 years ago.

      1. Barb

        I just checked out the stamps, they are pretty. We have some incredible views here in New Mexico. The skies turn cotton candy pink at night and the Sandia (Native word for "watermelon") mountains turn red at dusk. I awaken to hot air balloons right outside my bedroom balcony window. Luckily, I found the sash to my robe and I am no longer causing hot air balloon accidents.

        I look nothing like Alexis. Alexis is my daughter, Victoria's daughter (left in pic) and Christine is my daughter and twin (right in pic) http://tinypic.com/r/pvudu/5

        1. Radiotherapy

          Sister Barb, I swear I have both hands above the desk and on the keyboard….Must….Not…Fap…
          Happy Earth Day, también.

          1. Barb

            Radio, Jeff and I had dinner with one of his vendors and I said that both of my daughters were pregnant and due on the same day. The dude piped up and said, "we know what they both like to do on the same day." Oh bah, ha, ha. He just lost MILLIONS of dollars in sales. Three casinos and MILLIONS of dollars in sales and shared revenue.

            Love ya, Radio!

          2. Radiotherapy

            This being the Wonkette, I just want to say your daughters are as gorgeous as their mother's wit.

          3. Jeffer

            Nope, dude was just trying to get his foot in the door. His meelion dollar days are WAY over. Meelion dollar deals = flight to Vegas + Steak + Wine for Barb and Grey Goose Martinis for Jeffer.
            I'm thinking the balloon folks are still fapping over Barb walking out on the balcony in her nighty. Even with the WTF? look on her face….

          4. Jeffer

            The trials have worked fine Radio. Thanks for the advice! Of course, 5 miles out of Gallup, we might have issues, but that's just due to being in the middle of nowhere.

          5. Barb

            Radio, the tether is perfect, thanks! Jeff is going to drive and I will be using wifi to do what I do on the internet and pressing ham against the window in protest of Arizona and how miserable the people act there. If you see a zippy red sports car and a freckled ass that is pressed against the passenger side window, that would be me.

          6. Barb

            Oh Boo, I am so ready for Vegas and having my pelt petted. I want to unwrap tiny little soaps when I shower. I want someone else pick up my underpants and toss them in the corner for me. I want to open that drawer in the hotel and pull out the Gideon bible and gaze out the window and circle the commandments as we see them being broken. I want to approach the hotel front desk and act all indignant when they don't recognize me just by my radiant glow and youthful freckles.

            We are staying at THE Hotel (yes, that is what they call it) Remember how we watched an entire hour of Wolfgang Puck infomercials and swam in that huge tub together? I remember craving sliders and praying that neither one of us pulled a "Whitney Houston" in that tub.

            The "Safety Dance" is playing on the TV. I have to use my arms now to make the letters now. S-A-F-E-T-Y……. The "D" in "dance" always chimps me.

          7. Jeffer

            Yep, Informercials and hot water are good times to be had. McD's for Breakfast and Prime steak for dinner, that's how we roll!
            I'll just make sure I "double tuck" the black out shades in the morning.

          8. Barb

            Honey, I eat breakfast and skip lunch. You skip breakfast and eat lunch. That's why you play on the casino floor and I am in tears at 10:30 A.M. and you have to take me to Starbucks for a scone to keep me from shivering like a Chihuahua, being hunted from Sarah Palin's helicopter.

            Remember that first day we lived together and I made you an omelet and pancakes for breakfast and you fell asleep at your desk? Good times!

          9. Jeffer

            Yep, all I can do before noon is coffee. Of course, Vegas is the great equalizer, at noon no one knows what is breakfast and what is lunch.

            I luz you Boo! Time for lights out!

          10. Barb

            "….at noon no one knows what is breakfast and what is lunch."

            Jeffery, I know the difference.

      1. Barb

        Thanks, Madam Killjoy! I want to see your ass here and posting more often, please. Don't make me break out the wire hangers!

    2. proudgrampa

      Why, what a cute little tree-hugger! Next thing you know, she'll be chaining herself to a California Redwood…

    3. redarmyzombie

      Barb, has anyone told you you have the most adorable family? Especially that wee granddaughter of yours!

      1. Barb

        Thanks, Honey! I was very busy today and I am just now getting back to snark. Be here tomorrow for the primaries. The drink will flow and the snark will spill. Be there or be square.

  21. flamingpdog

    That’s how Prison Fellowship was erected in 1976.

    I bet her learned a lot about erections in prison.

  22. Arken

    "and also for being a white man and a Republican."

    Does 'Republican' really require those two qualifiers anymore?

  23. Fare la Volpe

    And let's not forget that the man opposed the creation of gay straight alliances in schools because he claimed it would lead to greater instances of prison rape.

    Cuz ya know, rape intended to assert dominance over another person's body as a means of breaking their will to live is totally the same thing as two kids who love each other just trying to find a place to be where they won't have their heads bashed open against a locker.

    Fuck this fucking fuck to the fucking depths of hell.

  24. ttommyunger

    Chuck "Liver Lips" Colson: his life's work devoted to proving that, in fact, Religion IS the last refuge of scoundrels. Fuck off and die, Chuck; oh wait, you did! Good Riddance…

  25. weejee

    He served less than a year in prison for his role in “Watergate

    FWIW, day late, and an Amero short to this thread, and does anyone really care, but Chuckie Colsonofabitch got his ticket punched to the Federale graybar hotel not for being a Watergate CREEPie, but for assfucking Daniel Elsberg obstruction of justice with the Pentagon Papers.

    Also & too^2 (brand new) Wikipedia factoid: Mrs. weejee & I went to see the Mariners lose yesterday. Yes, yes nothing surprising about that, but the Pale Hose pitcher Phil Humber tossed a perfect game in the process. Even though I'm an olde old, never seen one of those before. Woo hoo.

  26. Blueb4sunrise

    Wife of 'Painter of Light' Thomas Kinkade seeks restraining order against his girlfriend

    <blockquoteBased on Pinto-Walsh's relationship with Kinkade, she had access to information regarding Thomas Kinkade Studios' proprietary painting techniques, including paint type, brush techniques and the use of computer technology in painting, the records stated.</blockquote>
    http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/22/1133

  27. bun-bun

    Thankfully I'm not alone in my astonishment at all the post-mortem kudos this criminal is getting.

    It's reassuring to know I can do whatever I want, and then be "saved" when I get caught.

  28. valthemus

    "Willard Romney… offered his prayers to Colson’s kin and 'all the people he touched.' (Willard and his prison jokes!)"

    Is that why Colson was so anti-gay? His cell mate made him bottom when he wanted to top?

  29. anniegetyerfun

    David Frum's assessment was probably the most honest that you would get out of anyone left of center. I mean, that was hardly a compliment.

  30. notreelyhelping

    Hunter sliced and diced Colson so effectively back in the day, that there's really nothing more to offer. The Doctor pronounced him dead years ago. It just took the meat sack awhile to catch up.

Comments are closed.