From the US perspective, the Summit of the Americas was super awkward this past week, and that’s not even counting that Secret Service thing (goodness gracious!).
No, it was also awkward because everyone disagreed with us, about everything, ALL WEEKEND LONG. It was like they don’t even think we own the place!
Latin America is enjoying some kind of golden age or something. Each country has its own socialist leader, just about, and their economies have thrived the past several years while everyone else’s sucked a giant fat one. As such, they expect to be heard when speaking on the following:
Decriminalizing Drugs
Even the conservative presidentes (Mexico’s Calderon, Colombia’s Santos) are getting pretty loud about legalizing weed (happy 4/20, everybody!) and maybe even coke, too. It’s one thing to sit here in America and do all the drugs, as we Americans are wont to do, but the other countries involved get warzones instead. Like South-Central LA during the worst of the crack epidemic, but with machetes. Could we maybe try things differently than we are, they ask? No, not in an election year. Try again in 2013 (reason number 7,997,962 to re-elect Obama, except that he kind of sucks on this).
Engaging With Cuba
They’re serious; if Raul Castro is not invited to the next summit (2015, Panama), there will be no next summit (2015, Panama). A massive boycott of the event is planned if we don’t stop being such massive cocks. Is there a more fossilized policy than the 52-year-old embargo we stick to? Again, election year. Try back after November.
Returning the Falklands
Argentina, with the complete backing of every nation in the western hemisphere, demands their Falklands back from Britain. To whom should they logically belong? This is so obvious to anyone with a map, but we’re officially neutral on this one. Go figure. The very next thing Argentina did after we proclaimed our indifference was nationalize its largest oil company, one fuck you for another. Oh, and their economy is growing twice as fast as ours. Ouch.
So that’s what we all missed while we made our Groupon Twitter jokes. It’s cool though, so what who cares!
{ 101 comments }
You had me until you said that those hunks of rocks covered in sheep had to be returned to Argentina. The UK loves its sheep.
Nooooooo, we own those! We will fight to the fucking death for those sheep.
My friend spent 6 months in a radar outpost there. Said that some of those ewes were looking pretty damn hot by the end…..
Like I-dee-hoe, where the men are men, the women are scarce, and the sheep nervous?
You,-ahem- do them on the edge of a cliff. Makes 'em push back harder…
I don't think you want to put "sheep" and "fucking" anywhere near each other.
There could be a Kiwi lurking, or worse, an Aussie.
You'd know if there was an Aussie around because half the comments would go missing when you looked the other way.
KIWI= Keen Individual Without Intelligence….
And let's not forget the Falklands' penguins! Our "Special Relationship" with the UK requires that our friends be adequately protected from Newt Gingrich.
OK, you pendejos wanna see some real cartelling? You prob thought the Bad Old Days had moved north to Mejico, dincha? Well, any more shit and we're goin' all "Just Cause" on your brown backsides, see?
Operation Just Cause–we invade just 'cause we feel like it.
missed while we made our Groupon Twitter jokes
Thought the Secret Servicing was into Grope-on jokes and checkin'-out Lou Sarah?
Is it 4:20 yet?
BUILD THE DANGED FENCE!1!
Of course I mean that Mexico, Argentina, Columbia, etc etc should build fences to keep us craptastic US Americans out. We truly suck.
And so the ghost of William Randolph Hearst continues to dictate drug policy of the planet earth, even unto the n-th generation…
I say, move the Palestinians to the Falklands and be done with it. Two birds with one stone.
I wamt credit for this idea when everyone adopts it.
Better yet, move the British House of Lords to the Malvinas, and move the Kelpers to England… trading the inbred for the inbred.
I wish I grew up with Commie Brother. His house had maps and globes and encyclopedias. My house had lead paint, mouse traps and a pair of vice grips to change the TV channel.
I may have asked this before……
Sis?
Oh, wait….we had RAT traps, not mouse traps.
Oh Commie Bro is actually a different brother! There are seven or eight of us, depending on whom you count. Johnnycake is the youngest but one, and is a super geography dork.
We need a nickname for him, please.
I am one of nine children.
Johnnycake works.
Yeah it's short for Johnnyloveyloverlambiepiecake, which is what we called him trying to embarrass him in front of girls, but he was unembarrassable.
You had vice grips?
LOOXURY!
We had ta chop one of our own hands off if we wanted to change channels on the box a radio once came in to the neighbors.
Oh, fond memories
Something makes me just a teensy bit leery of Calderon's sincerity when he calls for drug decriminalization. Maybe it it's the massive, massive amount of cartel bribe money flowing through his administration. But no, I'm sure the US is the only thing holding him back. Totally.
Why would the cartels want their margins slashed?
And Canada keeps banging on the wall, yelling at us to turn our stereo down. I fucking hate annoying neighbors.
Yea well, Canada gets a big fat fuckyaverramuch for foisting Justin Beiber on us. So there.
But we gave them Michael Moriarty's crazy ass, so we're even.
As Molly Ivins said, being Canadian must be a lot like living next door to the Simpsons.
Canada is Ned Flanders.
I always assumed she meant the neighbors living on the other side, whom we've never seen.
Or perhaps a combination of the worst features of the Simpsons and the Flanderses. With Lisa fled to Europe.
I think we're more like Cletus's family.
Lisa fled to Europe with… Bart. But I ditched him in '09. He's at some Paris blackboard writing "I will not poop in the hand that feeds me."
Canadians yelling and banging on a wall? As if. Well, only when we take away their Stanley Cup.
I for one would welcome our new Mexican/Venezuelan/Brazilian/Argentinian overlords.
I've had a fat crush on Argentina ever since it told the IMF and Wall Street to suck it long and suck it hard when they defaulted on their debt in 2002 (much of it racked up by corrupt, murderous neo-fascist thugs during the 1976-1982 junta).
Put Charo in charge of the World Bank. Can't be any worse than Paul Wolfowitz and … bonus … cuchi-cuchi.
That's what's so hilarious about US coverage of the Repsol nationalization – my banker friend is like, "Whoa, now Argentina's done it, who would ever invest with them again? The Economist says right here, under this unflattering cartoon of La Cristina, that they've made a huge mistake!"
And it's like, "Where were you the past ten years? The training-wheel crowd has been avoiding Argentina since the default and they've been doing just fine, there are shitloads of foreign businesses operating and making money, they just don't consolidate strategic resources and then refuse to invest in oil exploration or new equipment, resulting in a 30% cut in production when they were required by the terms of the contract to increase production, a contract that was made with a sleazy dictatorish fake president who was full of shit anyway."
"But look, Spain is going to Do Something! The EU is going to Do Something!"
"Surrrre they will [note sarcasm in voice]. Just like they did after the default. Here, have another glass of Malbec and then hold your breath and wait for the 'sanctions.'" Because I'm soooo sure that the EU/USA wants Argenfuckingtina and its charismatic firebrand leader to join ALBA, right when they're about to get rid of Hugo Chavez."
"Hugo Chavez, the United Farmworkers guy? Isn't he dead?"
*le sigh*
Oh sure — maybe South American countries are doing better financially, and growing jobs and are the source for lots of cooking shows and all that — but they're doing it in an ideologically impure manner, so fail. Our citizens are thrilled that we're impoverished according to the precepts of free-market capitalism.
I am sure President Gingrich will make more headway on the US's foreign policy objectives at Panama 2015 once he explains to the other leaders at the Summit of the Americas that Spanish is the language of the ghetto.
Legalize pot? That's thinking small. Go strong or go home. We got legalized killing of brownz here bitches. Now what you got?
Dude, Latin America INVENTED that shit. See: Peron, Juan, and Pinochet, Augusto
Also, Cortez, Hernandez, Pizarro, et al
Huh… Peron wasn't much of a killer. Perhaps you're thinking of the disappearances that started during his wife (and Vice-President), Isabel Martinéz' term, that ended in the military dictatorship. You really ought to study a little Latin American history before commenting.
So much for our natural sphere of influence.
We're not doing so good at holding on to our hemisphere of influence, even.
…everyone disagreed with us, about everything,…
Look, if the District of Columbia wants statehood and equally representation, then they must nod their heads, smile, bow and comply with their drug lords demands.
OK, so it is apparent that the United States largely is viewed as sucking pretty hard, once you get outside of, say, West Virginia or anywhere south of Ohio.
I wonder (Fox) if there is any reason (Fox) that we are so oblivious (Fox) to our reputation (stupid, fat, asshats) in the rest of the world?
FOX News, fair and balanced ignorance is bliss
I really think that the tolerance measure should be indexed to population density and coastal proximity. . When in New York, San Francisco, or Istanbul, you're just another person. When you move inland though, you are dealing with a population that isn't in a shipping hub, and is resultantly more homogenous. They don't melt into the melting pot if you would. Bo, Turkey and Mesquite, Texas were very similar in that regard.
Why would they be mad at us, I mean it's not like the US spent decades making sure that most of South and Central America was controlled by brutal dictators who ran their countries according to the whims of US American businesses or anything.
More like a century and three quarters, going back to the Monroe Administration
Not only that, a socialist is about to be elected President of France (I ever received a ballot in the mail yesterday, even though I'm not French).
Where's Iraq on that map?
Um, actually, Canada and the US oppose the Falklands going back to Argentina. It's sort of worth noting that Argentina never had any Argentinians on the Falklands. And if the Falklands go to Argentina just 'cos they're close by, doesn't Canada get St. Pierre et Miquelon?
Yep. It's just moody Argentinian types trying their muscle. Ask the people who live there (a la Northern Ireland) and, uh, you know the result. Most of Europe feels the same way.
Perhaps if the rest of southern Latin America remembered who Simon Bolivar was and who fought with him for the independence of several countries they might simmer down a little.
Not going to happen because they will resent that they weren't able to get it for themselves without outside help. Much like how politicians in the United States discount anything French when France blockaded Yorktown by sea and fought with us on land to secure our independence. Argentina's bullshit about the Falklands is for internal political consumption only.
Anyplace cold enough for penguins should just be fucking given to the penguins.
Decolonization in the 21st century is a clusterfuck outright. I'm hoping that something happens with Puerto Rico this year (anything!) just to have one less headache.
Wasn't that picture of Santorum lounging by the pool enough to "happen" in Puerto Rico for one year?
Jorge Luis Borges likened the Falklands war to two bald men fighting over a comb.
Actually, they did, or rather the Republic of La Plata did. It was a penal colony and a whaling station for U.S. ships. The Brits evicted the Americans and incarcerated both the colonists and their guards before shipping them home.
Sounds eminently fucking reasonable for a bunch of terrorists.
They can have Alaska.
All joking aside, this is the best, most precise, overview of the Summit I have read in the U.S. media. Why the hookers weren't left to Wonkette, while the "serious press" ignored the fact that the rest of us aren't taking your shit any longer says more about the state of U.S. denial than anything else I've read. Good job.
Yeah, seriously. I read this realized I hadn't heard any other media outlet discuss the content of the Summit, just endless chatter about Secret Service sexytimes. Oh, this country is so effed.
thank you so much!
This is why we need a fence. To keep the job out.
Like South-Central LA during the worst of the crack epidemic, but with machetes.
Don't threaten me with a good time, dude.
I see no reason to change! After all, we are the only ones with nukes, so it isn't like they are going to attack or anything, and if they get nukes….well Iraq didn't even HAVE any, and look how we messed their shit up.
Cue the wingnuts going on about Reconquista in 3…2…1…
You know what makes transferring the Falklands to Argentina make less sense? Asking the people who live there.
How United Nations of you.
Self-determination be damned!
Besides, a true communist would have said "Malvinas."
Argentina,If you want the Faulkland islands just take them.Oh yeah , that did not work out for you the last time.Boo-hoo.Losers!
RE the Falklands. Self determination of peoples is an important part of the United Nations charter as well as various other statements made in recent years about human rights.
JOHN SCHOENKOPF? I call nepotism!
And you're going to keep calling it until someone else notices?
Nah, it's Friday, I'm number 69, 68 people never noticed, and I am Wild Turkey (101) shooting at this point.
I call Commiebro. You not paying attention?
Also worth noting that the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper, took la polla americana out of his mouth long enough to agree with all of America's positions on everything forever. And Israel too for good measure. Then he went back to what he was doing.
Isn't it about time for Canada's weekly election?
Sorry, the Harperistas have a majority this time. It has to wait until 2015.
Panama 2015! Columbia, you bring the white stuff, Cuba, you bring the good cigars. Panama can supply everything else. USA, you can come, but you have to be cool. Any trash talk and we're throwing your washed up ass out the door.
Actually, based on recent tubez, I think Colombia should also bring the hookers.
John Schoenkopf of the Maryland Schoenkopfs? Just our type of people.
don't forget the ever neoconservative Stephen Ha_ _er was there. Anyone fill in the blanks?
I like this new Wonkette Foreign Bureau. Keep the dispatches coming.
Second, or ditto, or whatever. Concise, straight (like, this is what happened, not so much, what I thought about it).
Commiebro has a future as commieforeigncorrespondent. Although that's awfully long.
I love family blogs! Please post snapshots of the whole gang wearing funny glasses! Even the dog!!!
Matching shirts or GTFO.
OK, officially FUCK Argentina. There are no Argentineans living on the Falklands, nor anyone who speaks Spanish, but there are a SHITLOAD of multi-generational Brits who have lived there for 200+ years. I think political self-determination trumps the shit out of geography.
The way things are going, I think in fifty years when people say "America" it will be assumed they are referring only to South America, not the U.S. BTW, who gives a Falk? Not this guy.
ewe.
Great movie. I used to hang out in that bar much of it was filmed in so I never miss it on TV.
Just thought I'd Ram the point home…
Well aren't *you* horny?
If I was ever called that, I'd lower my voice an octave and say, "yer damn right". Perhaps some finger pistols to make it extra awkward.
I'm going to call him JS.
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