Oh man, so, you know that cutesy little insight you may have Mitt Romney and the Secrets of Mormonism that you think could pass off as clever or “ironic”? Well, it’s not really interesting at all, nor is it clever, and you don’t know what irony is. So please, please, cut the crap, Brian Schweitzer and Martin Bashir, because we don’t really need to spend the next seven months watching daily evil cable news debates about whether Romney’s Mormon church or Barack Obama’s Jeremiah Wright church is WEIRDER, as would inevitably — and not unfairly — be the case.

Here’s the governor of Montana, and 2016 presidential hopeful, Brian Schweitzer, showing the limits of his discretion. Is this a sentence you’re actually constructing, Brian? “I am not alleging by any stretch that Romney is a polygamist and approves of [the] polygamy lifestyle, but…” This is your work?

While discussing swing states, Schweitzer said Romney would have a “tall order to position Hispanics to vote for him,” and I replied that was mildly ironic since Mitt’s father was born in Mexico, giving the clan a nominal claim to being Hispanic. Schweitzer replied that it is “kinda ironic given that his family came from a polygamy commune in Mexico, but then he’d have to talk about his family coming from a polygamy commune in Mexico, given the gender discrepancy.” Women, he said, are “not great fans of polygamy, 86 percent were not great fans of polygamy. I am not alleging by any stretch that Romney is a polygamist and approves of [the] polygamy lifestyle, but his father was born into [a] polygamy commune in Mexico.”

Again, and also too, I am not saying that Mormon Mitt Romney loves polygamy at all, mind you, but, polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy Romney Romney Romney polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy MEXICO MEXICO MEXICO polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy polygamy Romney, is all.

Meanwhile, MSNBC lobsterback Martin Bashir ruins a perfectly good observation that always needs reinforcement, about how Mitt Romney is serial psycho liar who loves nothing more than telling egregious lies all day, with an elaborately dumb point about how Mormons think liars go to Hell, so Mitt Romney is a hell-bound hypocrite or something. Savvy, Martin. As though the other hallucinating desert people religions approve of lying, or…? MSNBC ruins everything:

“It doesn’t matter how many times he hears the truth, Mitt Romney prefers to tell lies,” Bashir said after castigating Mitt Romney as a liar three times.

“Which brings us to the moral codes of Mormonism that Mr. Romney claims to live by. In Section 63, in verse 17 of the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church we find this: ‘All liars, and whosoever loveth and and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger, and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death.’

“And from the Book of Mormon to Nephi, Chapter 2, Verse 34 we find this: ‘Wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.’

“Given what the Book of Mormon is clearly saying, Mr. Romney has but two choices. He can either keep lying and potentially win the White House, but bring eternal damnation upon himself or he can start telling the truth. The question for him, I guess, is which is more important,” Bashir said on today’s broadcast of “Martin Bashir.”

Martin, Martin: Maybe you thought you had something interesting here. But you did not. You fucked it up, Martin.

There’s just no political benefit to be had with this shit and it’s ugly and hypocritical. There are so many other creepy things about Mitt Romney to work with. What do we want to spend all summer talking about? If it’s going to be YOUR RELIGION IS WACKY, NO, YOURS IS, then fine, but your Wonkette writer will have to go get himself in a coma right quick.

[Politico, RCP]

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  • Barb

    Thanks to their leader, Bring'em Young.

  • Come here a minute

    All true, but funny underwear is funny.

  • Tall order to position Hispanics? Errrr, I'm not sure they're that *tall* there, Brian. He can probably stack a few up.

    • MoeDeLawn

      They are the right height, actor.

  • Fuck Toad

    Completely agree on Schweitzer, disagree on Bashir. I don't think it's hateful to point out that someone is being a bad person by the rules of their own religion. And the Book of Mormon is an accepted and cherished part of Mormon scripture — it's not like he dug up the Book of Abraham or some random revelation from the 1830s. Bringing it up isn't an insult to the LDS.

    • jaytingle

      Also not sure that Mormons really see lying as all bad. Google phrase "lying for the Lord" for many illustrations, mostly Mormon.

      • But that's not what their commercials say!!

        The Church of Latter Day Saints wouldn't lie to me… right?

      • Oh, good. I am not the only person who read Krakauer's "Under The Banner of Heaven"

    • I'm just not used to seeing liar politicians being called out on cable news by quoting their religious text at length and then asking them if they want to go to hell. hateful, no. glib and selectively applied? yeah.

      i just hate getting into tangential religious stuff when neither candidate is shoving their religion in your face.

      • Biff

        I must say, it was a lot easier to be hatin' when half the rep field was trying to ram their religion down my throat.

  • "Oh man, so, you know that cutesy little insight you may have Mitt Romney and the Secrets of Mormonism that you think could pass off as clever or “ironic”? Well, it’s not really interesting at all, nor is it clever, and you don’t know what irony is. So please, please, cut the crap……Brian Schweitzer and Martin Bash"

    Whew, for a second there, I thought you were talking to me.

    • Guppy

      A thousand times this.

      Spare us the Banhammer, O Great and Powerful Newell!

  • Most US Americans won't care about that shit. What they do care is when they get woken up after drinking, er, medicating heavily on Friday night to be waked up early on Saturday morning by a bunch of smiling missionaries ready to spread the word of Brigham Young.

    Doesn't matter your race or your non-Mormoni creed, that's fucking annoying.

    • Terry

      True. Black and Native people may, however, be slightly bothered by the assertion that upon conversion to Mormonism that they would turn white.

  • Stevola

    Um, I'd like to buy a vowel?

    • OneYieldRegular

      In this particular case, I would pay $10,000 Ameros for a vowel.

    • flamingpdog

      If you can get enough people excited about buying a vowel, you could start a vowel movement.

    • U?
      Yeah, me, I wanna buy a vowel.
      Yes, do you see anybody else here?
      I mean, which one would you like?
      Which what?
      Which vowel?

  • Baconzgood

    That's the most about Mormonism that I ever learned.

    • Giveusabob

      Needs more Xenu.

      • nounverb911

        Needs more wives.

      • Terry

        And invisible cat like creatures running around on the walls.

        • The Ceiling Cat is Mormon????? I better tell my little feller he can take a couple of sister-wives….

    • Here's a little more about Mormonism: Bashir got it completely wrong. That was 2 Nephi, Ch. 9, v. 34. NOT to Nephi Ch. 2, v. 34. His argument is completely invalid if he can't cite his source.

      • Guppy

        In his defense, there's like 4 Books of Nephi, and they tend to be ungodly long.

        • It wasn't the length, but the tediousness, that always wore me down.

      • flamingpdog

        I really liked Nephi back when he played for the Rockies. Here's the book on Nephi.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Went to my MIL's Mormon funeral and they do have some strange beliefs; like there are different types/layers of heaven depending on how devout you were. About 20 minutes into the funeral service, I felt like I was in hell.

    • Gunner Asch

      All I need to know about Mormonism I learned on Sept 11, 1857.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Murderrrrr. Murder was the case that they gave ye.

  • poorgradstudent

    Where's the story on whether or not Romney is hiding his massive wealth from tithe-hungry Mormon officials? That's what I wanna know.

    • Biff

      That's been my position on his reluctance in opening his books. That 10% is per anum, mittens!

  • ChernobylSoup

    I'll see your Nephi and raise you three Levitici (Leviticuses?)

    • Nephi?

      I thought that said "Nehi" and I was thinking about converting to a religion based on grape soda.

      • ChernobylSoup

        You're going to be a Shastafarian?

    • rickmaci

      For those keeping score, looks like the final in November will be
      Children of the Lamanites 70-Nephi's Descendants 30.

  • hagajim

    Magik Undies and non-existent golden tablets "found" by a low budget criminal type do not an interesting story make?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Otherwise, I'm okay with the crazy religion comparisons.

    • nounverb911


      • Blueb4sunrise

        Wait. What, what?

        • nounverb911


      • Where?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Something's missing.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Mitt Romney is a sorcerer?

  • bumfug

    You think Romney's got magic Mormon underpants? Let's see him try that "throbbing wand" trick like Anthony Weiner.

  • Martin Bashir might have fucked if up when he went passed the seminal point of his commentary which is that Romney is a liar, but his voice is so sooothing that I forgive him.

  • gullywompr

    He likes to fuck skulls too. I read it on the internet.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Depending on interpretation, I think some Mormons believe it's ok to lie to "gentiles", which is why Utah is rather a hotbed of financial fraud.

    However, I'm with Newell in that a crazy-religion-off makes me want to drink myself into a coma even more than the usual horseshit hijinks the GOP perform.

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    As brushcut Schweitzer points out, Mitt Romney's grandfather immigrated here from a polygamist compound in Mexico. That makes Mitt's dad George an anchor baby, and Mitt only barely legal as a citizen. Show us your birth certificate!

    • b[redact]opple

      No, Mitt is the anchor baby; George was born in Mexico but ran for president anyway. Right?

      • V572 Fehrnstrom

        So hard to keep these right-wing memes straight. May they all self-deport!

      • Biff

        Calm down.

        He was white, no worries.

  • Giveusabob

    … keep lying and potentially win the White House, but bring eternal damnation upon himself.
    Were ever these options available a la carte? I had long since assumed they were a package deal.

  • Steverino247

    Since the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was founded by liars, I guess it's ok. Also, most religions have an escape clause allowing you to lie for the greater good or to help advance the sacred cause. What concerns me is the Romney lies all the time, denies he lied and then tells a new lie as if you had no memory that he just lied.

    One more point. Is Gov. Schweitzer a dental floss tycoon? Will he be selling zircon-encrusted tweezers to fund his Presidential campaign?

    • GarColga

      Haha great Zappa reference!

      • Steverino247

        I'm inspired to make another one (see below), but I doubt anyone will see it at this late stage of the game.

        • GarColga

          Well I don't see it but I'm sure it might seem strange to Herb and Dee.

  • Goonemeritus

    In my soon to be published encyclopedic text “Things to Hate about Mitt” I don’t even reach the M’s until the 9th volume.

  • owhatever

    Say something Mexicoan, Mitt. Like when St. Reagan of Ronnie crooned, "Mi casa, su casa," which meant all illegal immigrunts could come live with him and Nancy.

  • rickmaci

    Well, Romoney does clothe his family history in the fabric of a total fiction as a campaign prop all the time, when in fact they were polygamists who did flee the US to avoid complying with our civil and criminal laws, and they did establish a COMMUNE in Mexico and they did in fact choose to flee Mexico and immigrate to the US because they didn't like social and political conditions in Mexico and they did live on government relief for displaced persons in Texas and California. Seems like the trappings of socialism and social safety nets were the foundation of his family history. If he is putting his family out there, then the real story is subject to question.

  • Mormonism isn't a disqualifying factor for the Romney to be President but I have a bloody hard time believing that there were golden tablets buried by Angels less than 90 miles from where I was born.

    • I heard that Uncas took a bad turn at Glenn Falls and left them in Palmyra for his father Chingachgook.

    • widestanceromance

      Only if 'the message on the tablets, was 'Vali-umm' '

    • V572 Fehrnstrom

      But you do believe that Jebus is coming back to establish the new Zion in Jackson County, Missouri, right?

      It just makes sense. Who doesn't think Raytown is a little piece of heaven?

  • sezme

    Ok, I respect all religions pretty much equally, and none of them make any sense to me. Believe whatever you want as long as you mind your own business. But when you go posthumously baptizing Anne Frank … well that's pretty fucking weird.

  • UnholyMoses

    Mitt is part of a church that is hated by most evangelical/uber religious types (read: the GOP Base) and his family is from a country full of people who the GOP is convinced TOOK 'ER JERBS!

    And yet he's gonna get the GOP nomination.

    That either shows how horrifically weak the GOP is at the top right now, or that Das Base hates anything Not Like Them with such a white-hot fury they'll vote for a guy who, in reality, embodies a bunch of what they hate.

    Not that they're mutually exclusive, but … well … damn.

    The next seven months are gonna suck like few seven-month periods have ever sucked before …

    • Biff

      I can't remember which god-bother I was listening to yesterday, but he said in just so many words that while Obama is a christian and Rmoney is NOT, he would vote for the non-christian guy because he embodied more christ-like ideals than the other guy that IS a christian, because dead fetus, or something.

  • Ruhe

    Maybe a national conversation about the inescapable wackiness of our religions would be a good thing? Enlightenment via poo-flinging?

  • coolhandnuke

    Women, he said, are “not great fans of polygamy, 86 percent were not great fans of polygamy."

    This must explain why "Desperate Housewives of Salt Lake City" was cancelled after just three episodes.

    • emmelemm

      I'd like to see this 14% who ARE greats fans of polygamy. "Oh, we're GREAT fans."

      • Fare la Volpe

        I'm guessing it's whatever freaks like Sister Wives.

      • Gunner Asch

        Um, that would be my younger daughter, married, 25 or so at the time. Watched some Big Love and said something to the effect that the arrangement sounded pretty good to her. Some buddies to hang out with while hubby is off doing hubby stuff.

        • emmelemm

          I'd write a long post describing how this is insane, but instead I'll just say, "Oh, my."

          • Gunner Asch

            Her priorities may be a little different from most, as she was abandoned at age 2 in Korea.Having somebody around all the time is pretty important to her.

    • MissTaken

      One episode per wife?

    • Guppy

      But how do they feel about polyandry?

  • Chichikovovich

    I have to agree here, that references to polygamy are cheap shots. That's way before Mitt was born. Stick to stuff that Mitt has actually endorsed and proselytized for as a high-ranking head of a mission. Like the doctrine that blacks are marked by God as inferior and that interracial marriage is a sin.

    • George Spelvin

      I'm not a big fan of "cultural" attacks, but I would like to see somebody ask Willard if he has, you know, changed his mind about that. And, if the reason he changed his mind was that the Prophet had a revelation, what would happen if the current Prophet had a counter-revelation?

      • Chichikovovich

        I'm of two minds about such things – varies from case to case. If a candidate were a member of a “no blacks or Jews” country club, it would rightly be an issue, and wingnuts couldn't shut up about Robert Byrd having been a member of the Klan 70 years ago when Byrd [see! Democrats are the real racists!] was in his 20s even though he had expressed sincere shame over that. Of course, the Klan was far worse than the LDS church because they endorsed violence, but on the other hand, Mitt was in an advanced leadership position and actively recruiting (avoiding the Vietnam war to do it). Generally (though, of course, not with Obama) people tiptoe around such beliefs when they are part of a “religion”, but I don't see how it improves the message “Blacks are inherently inferior and black skin is a mark of that. Plus interracial marriage is abhorrent and should be prohibited” to add the coda: “Oh, and I believe that because God tells me to!”And of course there is simple fairness: Despite Sarah!'s preposterous suggestion that she could have won the election for McCain if only she had been allowed to talk about Rev. Wright, there was a constant drumbeat about Obama's church and slanted presentations of the messages of the minister's sermons. A journalist was flown out to Indonesia to cover the burning question of whether or not Obama went to a muslim school. And of course we have just been greeted with a tsunami of sludge about what Obama ate when he was ten. If those are the rules of the game, then the the truly despicable beliefs about race that Romney represented and recruited for as a missionary in his 20s should be on the table, especially because his France mission was taking place at more or less the same time that Obama remembers eating roast dog.— On Fri, 4/20/12, IntenseDebate Notifications <> wrote:

  • prommie

    But mormonism is wierd!

  • Man0nTheStreet


    While I agree that Gov. Montana shouldn't & doesn't need to get his hands dirty with this muck-racking, I must recall that the ReThugs have put (supposed) religious beliefs on the table since at least 1928 (against Catholic Al Smith) and went for fuckin' BROKE versus "Sekrit Muslin" Obama and his "Anti-White" Christian Pastor Rev Wright.

    So screw Mittbott – the gloves are off, should be off, and the Libs/Progs/Dems operatives should crush Rmoney between the Scylla of his bigoted religion and the Charybdis of the bigoted electorate he must pander to. It's long past time to attack the ReThugs with that same truthful pleasure and relentlessness as they attack all the good things about America that we Libs/Progs/Dems are trying to preserve for our kids.


  • SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, I'd hate to see this turn into a theology debate — the bastards in the media now know little enough about economics, the military, energy policy or other things that actually matter — hearing them argue about religious doctrine (every flavor of which is basically an elaborate backtracking of lies and excuses to hide the flaw in its central premise) would be alternately maddening and tedious.

  • Jim, to your translation of Schweitzer's spiel I would add the word "commune" a few times. Communes? You know who loves communes? Hippies, that's who! Granola-crunching environmental wacko dope-smoking hippies. Communes are communist in nature, it's right there in the name! And we know how much conservatives hate hippies and communists, who are basically one and the same.

    It would be interesting to corner Mitt on the whole "your religion says it is okay to lie to non-Mormons in the service of advancing the cause of Mormonism, so what lies are you telling in the campaign to do that?" I'll probably feel dirty later on for saying that because I am strongly opposed to making a candidate's religion a focal point of a campaign, but I also really really want Mitt to get his ass kicked in November.

    Also, posthumously baptizing Jews who died in the Holocaust and Ann Romney's devoutly atheist father? That's just creepy and disrespectful. I think it's fair to ask if that lack of respect for others' beliefs would carry over into how Mittens conducts himself in office. As Obama likes to point out, he is the president of everyone, not just those who voted for him.

  • uspeak4u

    Hey, it's not THAT lame.

  • Callyson

    I'll see your silver lame thong and raise you my leopard print with pink trim thong!

  • proudgrampa

    Mormonism isn't a religion. It's a fucking cult. Based on a BIG fucking lie. Why would anyone be surprised that anyone from this cult would lie?

    When a Mormon tells you he believes in Doctrine, he is LYING.

    Fucking Mormons.

  • Antispandex

    If there's one thing I hate worse than polygamy, it's Mexican polygamy…not that I am saying Mitt is a Mexican polygamist… ?

  • owhatever

    I got it! I got it! Gimme an "L"…

  • Mitt must be a polygamist because he enjoys assigning women work.

  • Steverino247

    You know who else might be moving to Montana soon?

  • MasterDebater

    As a pottymouth socialist who also happens to be a Mormon (yes, we exist), this post is all sorts of WIN for me.

    If people want to hit Romney's Mormonism from the left, I suggest they start asking him about the Law of Consecration, the early communitarian utopia Joseph Smith tried to get us all to live, until it turned out we couldn't stop being greedy fucks. In the Celestial Kingdom (Mormon heaven, which, I promise you, ROCKS), there will be neither democracy nor capitalism. So, get Romney to go on the record and explain his position on the Law of Consecration, and if this particular aspect of Mormon doctrine will influence any of his policies or not. Or if, he'd prefer to just go the Ayn Rand route and rot in hell.

    Google Orderville, Utah. Also.

    • ElPinche

      Wonkette should hire you as a commentator for the general erection to keep Mittens in mormonic check.

    • George Spelvin

      Excuse me for prying, and feel free to ignore this or tell me to fuck off, but I have a question. You are a Mormon. Does this mean you actually believe in Joseph Smith's theodicy, the golden-ish plates, the history of the Americas as rendered in the Book of Mormon, and that the current President of the Church is in fact a prophet of God?

      Please do not misunderstand me. I am not being sarcastic. I don't happen to believe those things (among other things I don't believe), but if you do, that's great as long as you don't insist that I believe the same things.

      I'm just curious. I've seen some of your comments, and I wouldn't have pegged you as a Saint.

      Cheers for the Law of Consecration.

  • chitrade

    Wha…wha…Jim stole my avatar! And he didn't even acknowledge it in the alt-text!

    • keinsignal

      fucking hell, I always thought that was a typewriter.

    • Data Exactly

      I'd like to buy a 'u'?

  • unclrobot

    Schweitzer also got commune in there twice, which is worth twenty points at least. Born into a family of polygamy COMMUNISTS.

  • Lazy Media

    Deal with it, Newell. Mormonism is a cult created by a 19th-century con man. Sure, Christianity was a cult created by 1st century con men, and Islam was a cult created by by 7th century con men, but Joseph Smith is WAY more documented as a ridiculous con man than Mohammed and Jesus, because newspapers existed when he was claiming to read golden tablets out of a hat.

    • horsedreamer_1

      L. Ron Hubbard, Elijah Muhamad, & Joseph Smith walk into a bar…

  • lulzmonger

    Wonkette should be rooting for MOAR magical underpant goodness … think about the options here:

    Mormonism = batshit crazy, but also funny.
    Corporatism = batshit crazy but not funny at all.

  • usuhname

    I'm not saying Gov. Brian Schweitzer is a big sack of sleaze. I'm also not saying that he hangs around with terrorists and speaks their secret language.

    Would also care to definitely NOT add that all religions are bat-shit, so what damn difference does it make.

  • ttommyunger

    Way too early for this kind of nit-picking. October will be when this kind of fruit-cake drivel will be ripe for the picking…and there will be bushels of it, I guarantee!

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