Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Bores GOP To Tears In Castro-Length Veep-Tryout Speech

  veepstakes

The ExorcistOh Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Why do you still try to talk at people? Don’t you remember the last time you had an audience, when you skulked around corners in your haunted mansion to give the hilarious response to the State of the Union, the unkind comparisons to Mr. Burns, and a skeleton, and Mr. Burns’s skeleton? Remember how everyone mocked you for trying to score cheap political points on spending money on — get this haw haw! — volcano monitoring about five seconds before that terrorist Iceland volcano shut down Europe? Because you are an asshole? Well apparently in addition to being an asshole, you are also super boring and not very self-aware and make people wait 45 minutes listening to you yammer about yourself and your transformative changes before you will let them eat their vittles, and everyone makes fun of you and people laugh.

The governor had also requested a 45-minute speaking slot, which he used to talk about everything from the failings of President Obama to his immigrant upbringing and the surprising wisdom of his father’s advice, to the free-market ways to clean up an oil spill, to his own tranformative changes to education policy.

Some people liked it.

Haha not really.

Others seemed less inspired. As the speech wore on, Jindal’s applause lines drew less and less of a response, and tables broke out into their own visible side conversations, while Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

Dinner waited in the wings until he finished, right around the 45-minute mark.

“I can assure you that I will speak shorter than our prior speakers, because the food is here,” said State Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos when he finally took to the podium, to laughs and cheers.

No, bring Bobby Jindal back! We want to hear more about his dad for five hours, and jokes about port-o-potties while people are waiting to eat. Mitt Romney should look no further, Bobby Jindal is the future of zzzzzzz. [CapitalNewYork]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

128 comments

    1. bagofmice

      Yo yo yo, bobby, imma gonna let you finish, but we could have been monitoring volcanoes this whole time!

    2. Preferred Customer

      I refuse to waste taxpayer money looking over there to see if that is, in fact, a volcano.

  1. Barb

    I bet future shrimpies hope they are born without ears too so they won't have to listen to his prattle for the dead speeches.

    1. OKthennext

      They will be. Deaf and blind, that is.

      Our local paper is celebrating 2 years of Gulf Oil pollution with pictures of formerly yummy Gulf coast fishies all covered with lesions and other horrors.

      1. Barb

        That is so pathetic. I remember BP announcing that their company would "survive this." That's like someone running your dog over and saying, "My car will be okay, don't worry."

    2. Terry

      Bobby was also pushing a really really stupid idea that every frickin scientist and engineer in south Louisiana was against. He wanted to fill in all the passes and cuts between the State's barrier islands as a means to stop oil.

      Among the many things wrong with idea:

      - By the time you get miles and miles of stone barriers put in place between the island, the oil will have already reached shore if it's going to do so.

      - If you make really hard, durable blockages between the barrier islands, the next hurricane or other storm is going to break through the barrier islands themselves as they're sand and weaker than the stone monstrosities Bobby was advocating. Jindal would singlehandedly wipe out what's left of Louisiana's barrier islands with one really stupid idea.

      1. sullivanst

        Another terrible thing about that awful idea is, the stagnation caused by the barriers would've killed whatever was in the "protected" area more surely than the oil.

        Also, it would've required moving vast quantities of foreign dirt/rock/etc. into a sensitive ecosystem. Foreign dirt/rock/etc unavoidably contains foreign fauna too. The foreign fauna on the inside of the barrier would of course have died along with everything else in the stagnant water. The foreign fauna on the outside would, if we were lucky, die also, or if not, become the next prickly pear / cane toad / lion fish / zebra mussel (you get the picture – when we move shit around the planet, we fuck things up real good).

    3. George Spelvin

      Barb, how do you do it? You are consistently the quickest wit in this bubbling caldera of wit that is Wonkete National Snark.

    1. actor212

      Dude, how do you think he got a Deep South state to support a turban-wearing Muslin Hindu for governor in the first place?

      Orate, orate, orate!

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I have wondered. I grew up there. (Yes, sympathy accepted.) But, see, he is not a black man so…it's okay.

  2. prommie

    I thought he struck out so embarrassingly in his last at-bat for veep that they sent him back to the minors?

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    He needs a t-shirt with a paraphrase of that old lady on the First Alert ads: "Help!! I'm talking and I can't shut up!!"

    1. GuyClinch

      You might want to Tivo it. Heard it's scheduled for 4:45 ayem on a Sunday, so you know most of the conventioneers will still be in their rooms haggling wearily with their rentboys.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Sarah Palin claimed to be a pit bull in lipstick. She was not. (Nolistick, just a nasty, vituperative bitch female dog.

      I suggest, rather than being a transformative figure, Jindal will be a mongoose, defanged.

  4. tcaalaw

    Over a billion people in India and they send us Bobby Jindal and Nikki Haley. Indians, WTF? Is it because of our love of hamburgers?

  5. edgydrifter

    For crying out loud, Bobby. Rename your state West Mississippi and be done with it already.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        No no. Alex is always the border between "real" Louisiana and the Yankee Rednecks. We'd even allow Natchitoches and LeCompte to stay with us authentic Louisianians, because of deliciousness.

    1. Troglodeity

      When you think about it, how much shit did that terrified dog have to release in the first place for it to actually manage to flow down the station wagon's rear window and be recognized by the Romney boys as coming from the dog box? Insane.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Well if you look at it as performance art was it really that different from an Andy Kaufman wrestling piece. How do we know we aren’t missing his genius. Will we be embarrassed two decades from now by our lack of hipness.

    1. George Spelvin

      I've already been embarrassed for decades by my lack of hipness, but what does that have to do with this fart in the wind?

  7. actor212

    Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

    So check it out, man! Those vacuums we rousted into action to pump the oil from the sea water onto our beaches so we could collect it?

    HAHAHAHAHA….well….HAHAHAHA….we used them to clean the shitters at Tulane games so now our beaches are FULL of shit and that blue stuff that stains everything when you drop a cherry bomb in and crude oi–

    Wait a minute….what?????

  8. anniegetyerfun

    I think Jindal's biggest problem is not just being boring and unimaginative, but being excruciatingly dumb*. The GOP keeps giving him a shot, in hopes that his melanin will cause liberals to accidentally vote for him as veep over Obama as pres, but I hope that they are getting the picture now.

    *Yes, this is obviously much of the GOP's problem, but Jindal is worse than most at hiding it, given what little exposure he has on the national stage.

    1. prommie

      Suddenly I realize what Beck was talking about when he sang of "the forces of evil in a Bozo nightmare." The republicans!

    2. George Spelvin

      Oddly, he's supposed to be the smart one. I think it's more a matter of being excruciatingly (an interesting word, in context) Xtian.

  9. Dr. Nick Riviera

    WTF is with Republicans always referring to their "dads"? My "dad" this. My "dad" that. In formal conversation I always refer to my father. Is it to make them seem human or something?

  10. MrFizzy

    They should send this dude to Guantanamo to lecture the prisoners – instant confessions ensue.

  11. SorosBot

    Here I thought Kenneth had been bumped down to working as a janitor after quitting his position as a censor in standards and practices.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Damn you, robot! I was all set to drop the mad Ballad of Kenneth Parcells bomb!

      Seriously, has there ever been a whiter Indian outside of a bad Western?

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Bobby wasn't just being boring — he was doing it on purpose, so that once everyone was possessed by the demon of ennui, he could practice his exorcism.

  13. V572 Fehrnstrom

    Ha ha, the free market will clean up oil spills right after it builds high-speed rail and gets rid of air pollution. What a kidder that Jindal is!

  14. elgin_pelican

    I've decided the current repub party is some sort of Performance Art outfit – kinda like Blue Man Group, but with, you know, more hate.

  15. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Why do Republicans hate their real names? Willard is Mitt. This guy is Bobby. And they give Obama grief for using "Barack" instead of Barry.

    This subspecies of humanoid confuses and angers me

  16. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Guys,why are we ignoring the real injustices of the world: Like why the US doesn't have that Pizza stuffed with a foot long hotdog in the crust.

  17. Blueb4sunrise

    R.S. left a good mango at the link.

    each greeted by a determined-looking Bobby Jindal smiling up from their seat cushion.

  18. SaintRond

    This is the kind of asshole cocksuckers you end up with legal immigration.

    Illegal people are better. They really are. And they know what being an American is all about from the get-go.

  19. CivicHoliday

    When they make him VP the GOP will definitely have the robot and blind appalachian vote locked up.

  20. Mumbletypeg

    If Jindal had really been "trying out" for a coveted position, he should've emulated his predecessor in yawns as when Pawlenty became a vocal impressionist. T-paw's memorable episode when he was trying out different accents broke me from my zzz-trance for a few moments.

  21. oldedinvn

    A few years ago he was the great brown hope. Now he id the bestest & goodest savior to be the VP. American exceptialism at its bestest.

  22. thefrontpage

    Be sure to join Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson, Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, Paul McCartney, Ziggy Marley, Steven Tyler and George Soros, Ted Nugent, Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly at the High Times Happy Hour today, Friday, April 20, 2012, at 4:20 p.m. in San Francisco at High Times Cafe and Bar. It should be fun time for everyone! This event is sponsored by High Times Magzine, the High Times Cafe and Bar, Zig-Zag Rolling Papers, Cannibis Magazine, Rolling Stone and Playboy. The host for the Happy Hour is Ziggy Marley.

  23. BarackMyWorld

    2 points:
    1) Rush Limbaugh loves this guy.
    2) Rush Limbaugh has 90% hearing loss.
    Draw your own conclusions.

  24. horsedreamer_1

    Tweets from Ozzie Guillen: "I love that motherfucker Jindal. People been trying to silence him for years, & he keeps talking".

  25. owhatever

    I had a girlfriend; Bobby was his name. He talked and talked, then talked and talked some more. He wouldn't shut up, talkin' about his dad. The salad got old, the crawfish got cold. So I decided, to wonk him about the head. Now I don't have that girlfriend any more.

    Play it with a plain C-chord, over and over, like Ted Nugent.

  26. Tricky_Dick

    He’s not a governor, he works at Dunkin Doughnuts. Nice guy but could use a little deodorant. Just saying….

Comments are closed.