VEEPSTAKES  11:04 am April 20, 2012

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Bores GOP To Tears In Castro-Length Veep-Tryout Speech

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

The ExorcistOh Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Why do you still try to talk at people? Don’t you remember the last time you had an audience, when you skulked around corners in your haunted mansion to give the hilarious response to the State of the Union, the unkind comparisons to Mr. Burns, and a skeleton, and Mr. Burns’s skeleton? Remember how everyone mocked you for trying to score cheap political points on spending money on — get this haw haw! — volcano monitoring about five seconds before that terrorist Iceland volcano shut down Europe? Because you are an asshole? Well apparently in addition to being an asshole, you are also super boring and not very self-aware and make people wait 45 minutes listening to you yammer about yourself and your transformative changes before you will let them eat their vittles, and everyone makes fun of you and people laugh.

The governor had also requested a 45-minute speaking slot, which he used to talk about everything from the failings of President Obama to his immigrant upbringing and the surprising wisdom of his father’s advice, to the free-market ways to clean up an oil spill, to his own tranformative changes to education policy.

Some people liked it.

Haha not really.

Others seemed less inspired. As the speech wore on, Jindal’s applause lines drew less and less of a response, and tables broke out into their own visible side conversations, while Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

Dinner waited in the wings until he finished, right around the 45-minute mark.

“I can assure you that I will speak shorter than our prior speakers, because the food is here,” said State Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos when he finally took to the podium, to laughs and cheers.

No, bring Bobby Jindal back! We want to hear more about his dad for five hours, and jokes about port-o-potties while people are waiting to eat. Mitt Romney should look no further, Bobby Jindal is the future of zzzzzzz. [CapitalNewYork]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

nounverb911 April 20, 2012 at 11:06 am

Bobby, look over there, is that a volcano?

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

No, it's just Jindal. He hasn't finished spewing yet.

MrFizzy April 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

Mount Dull.

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Mount Jindull.

Generation[redacted] April 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

It certainly does spew.

bagofmice April 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Yo yo yo, bobby, imma gonna let you finish, but we could have been monitoring volcanoes this whole time!

Preferred Customer April 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I refuse to waste taxpayer money looking over there to see if that is, in fact, a volcano.

Buzz Feedback April 20, 2012 at 11:06 am

Piyush is a dish best served cold.

nounverb911 April 20, 2012 at 11:08 am

With extra Tabasco for color?

bagofmice April 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Home state advantage.

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

He's Piyushing his luck.

lulzmonger April 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

♬ Piyush Piyush in the bush! ♩

OC_Surf_Serf April 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

Bobby Jindal: Making Mittens look even whiter.

tcaalaw April 20, 2012 at 11:12 am

Little-known linguistic fact: "Piyush" is Hindi for "Willard."

Barb April 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

I bet future shrimpies hope they are born without ears too so they won't have to listen to his prattle for the dead speeches.

OKthennext April 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

They will be. Deaf and blind, that is.

Our local paper is celebrating 2 years of Gulf Oil pollution with pictures of formerly yummy Gulf coast fishies all covered with lesions and other horrors.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 11:29 am

That is so pathetic. I remember BP announcing that their company would "survive this." That's like someone running your dog over and saying, "My car will be okay, don't worry."

OKthennext April 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

They 'survived' alright. 2011 profits of 5.3 billion.

bagofmice April 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Taxes? Zero.

Terry April 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

Bobby was also pushing a really really stupid idea that every frickin scientist and engineer in south Louisiana was against. He wanted to fill in all the passes and cuts between the State's barrier islands as a means to stop oil.

Among the many things wrong with idea:

- By the time you get miles and miles of stone barriers put in place between the island, the oil will have already reached shore if it's going to do so.

- If you make really hard, durable blockages between the barrier islands, the next hurricane or other storm is going to break through the barrier islands themselves as they're sand and weaker than the stone monstrosities Bobby was advocating. Jindal would singlehandedly wipe out what's left of Louisiana's barrier islands with one really stupid idea.

sullivanst April 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Another terrible thing about that awful idea is, the stagnation caused by the barriers would've killed whatever was in the "protected" area more surely than the oil.

Also, it would've required moving vast quantities of foreign dirt/rock/etc. into a sensitive ecosystem. Foreign dirt/rock/etc unavoidably contains foreign fauna too. The foreign fauna on the inside of the barrier would of course have died along with everything else in the stagnant water. The foreign fauna on the outside would, if we were lucky, die also, or if not, become the next prickly pear / cane toad / lion fish / zebra mussel (you get the picture – when we move shit around the planet, we fuck things up real good).

George Spelvin April 20, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Barb, how do you do it? You are consistently the quickest wit in this bubbling caldera of wit that is Wonkete National Snark.

nounverb911 April 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

Needs more anchor babies.

realmurkin April 20, 2012 at 11:08 am

Bobby Jindal, master orator.

MrsBiggTime April 20, 2012 at 11:11 am

Bubba Jindal, master at something, anyway…

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

Dude, how do you think he got a Deep South state to support a turban-wearing Muslin Hindu for governor in the first place?

Orate, orate, orate!

Jus_Wonderin April 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

I have wondered. I grew up there. (Yes, sympathy accepted.) But, see, he is not a black man so…it's okay.

Chet Kincaid April 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

He's a Christian.

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2012 at 11:50 am

Oh yea. BIG time.

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

Stop confusing the issue with your "facts".

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm

A real one, unlike that "Rev." Martin Luther King, Jr.

teebob2000 April 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Yeah but c'mon, none of them browns is the RIGHT KIND of Christian.

Schmannnity April 20, 2012 at 11:09 am

Needs more eyeless shrimp and crabs.

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:11 am
EtchySketchy April 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

Penguins!

lulzmonger April 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Shorter Taxpayers Protection Alliance: GET A JOB, FREELOADER.

freakishlywrong April 20, 2012 at 11:12 am

Asshole isn't qualified to manage a Quik-e-Mart. None of 'em are.

WiscDad April 20, 2012 at 11:42 am

Then why do they all own one??? Ohhhh…you mean politicians…sorry

prommie April 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

I thought he struck out so embarrassingly in his last at-bat for veep that they sent him back to the minors?

BaldarTFlagass April 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

He needs a t-shirt with a paraphrase of that old lady on the First Alert ads: "Help!! I'm talking and I can't shut up!!"

prommie April 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

What I want to know is, where's the beef?

Designer_Rants April 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Mouth on!
Mouth off!
Mouth on mouth off
The No-Clapper.

EtchySketchy April 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

Can't wait for his convention speech.

GuyClinch April 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

You might want to Tivo it. Heard it's scheduled for 4:45 ayem on a Sunday, so you know most of the conventioneers will still be in their rooms haggling wearily with their rentboys.

Pop_Socket April 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

He's going to go for the Bill Clinton Watch Checker record.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Sarah Palin claimed to be a pit bull in lipstick. She was not. (Nolistick, just a nasty, vituperative bitch female dog.

I suggest, rather than being a transformative figure, Jindal will be a mongoose, defanged.

sewollef April 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Robert (Bobby) Mongoose…. yeah, that works for me.

tcaalaw April 20, 2012 at 11:14 am

Over a billion people in India and they send us Bobby Jindal and Nikki Haley. Indians, WTF? Is it because of our love of hamburgers?

justincasetoo April 21, 2012 at 12:02 am

No, just wanted to get rid of 'em. Wouldn't you?

Steverino247 April 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

Skulkfucker!

edgydrifter April 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

For crying out loud, Bobby. Rename your state West Mississippi and be done with it already.

OKthennext April 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

Make that from roughly I-10, northward and I can get behind your proposal.

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

No no. Alex is always the border between "real" Louisiana and the Yankee Rednecks. We'd even allow Natchitoches and LeCompte to stay with us authentic Louisianians, because of deliciousness.

OKthennext April 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Oh lawd. Lea's Pies. How could I ferget?

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

BAJA ARKANSAS LIBEL.

DerrickWildcat April 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

You're not going to be able to make me choose sides between India and Mexico. I like them both equally.

EtchySketchy April 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

Was that the same vacuum cleaner used to clean the shit from Romney's roof top dog-box?

Troglodeity April 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

When you think about it, how much shit did that terrified dog have to release in the first place for it to actually manage to flow down the station wagon's rear window and be recognized by the Romney boys as coming from the dog box? Insane.

widestanceromance April 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

At least, his speech lasted longer than a sand berm.

donner_froh April 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

Should have brought up the music–it usually works at the Academy Awards when some award winner is yammering for too long.

Goonemeritus April 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

Well if you look at it as performance art was it really that different from an Andy Kaufman wrestling piece. How do we know we aren’t missing his genius. Will we be embarrassed two decades from now by our lack of hipness.

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeea, not so much.

Geminisunmars April 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I'm embarrassed now, but more for our species.

George Spelvin April 20, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I've already been embarrassed for decades by my lack of hipness, but what does that have to do with this fart in the wind?

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:18 am

Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

So check it out, man! Those vacuums we rousted into action to pump the oil from the sea water onto our beaches so we could collect it?

HAHAHAHAHA….well….HAHAHAHA….we used them to clean the shitters at Tulane games so now our beaches are FULL of shit and that blue stuff that stains everything when you drop a cherry bomb in and crude oi–

Wait a minute….what?????

Texan_Bulldog April 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

Where's your birf certificate, Piyush? And I want to see the long form one!

anniegetyerfun April 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

I think Jindal's biggest problem is not just being boring and unimaginative, but being excruciatingly dumb*. The GOP keeps giving him a shot, in hopes that his melanin will cause liberals to accidentally vote for him as veep over Obama as pres, but I hope that they are getting the picture now.

*Yes, this is obviously much of the GOP's problem, but Jindal is worse than most at hiding it, given what little exposure he has on the national stage.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

Don't all browns look alike to *everybody*?

prommie April 20, 2012 at 11:24 am

Suddenly I realize what Beck was talking about when he sang of "the forces of evil in a Bozo nightmare." The republicans!

George Spelvin April 20, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Oddly, he's supposed to be the smart one. I think it's more a matter of being excruciatingly (an interesting word, in context) Xtian.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

WTF is with Republicans always referring to their "dads"? My "dad" this. My "dad" that. In formal conversation I always refer to my father. Is it to make them seem human or something?

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

I blame the patriarchy

Guppy April 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"Father" has too many syllables for their target audience.

MrFizzy April 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

They should send this dude to Guantanamo to lecture the prisoners – instant confessions ensue.

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

"Make… it him…. STOP!.."

Schmannnity April 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

Variety Headline: Indian Curries Favor With the Mitt.

freakishlywrong April 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

I see what you did there..

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

Hix Nix Stick Figure

bagofmice April 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The spice must flow.

SorosBot April 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

Here I thought Kenneth had been bumped down to working as a janitor after quitting his position as a censor in standards and practices.

BerkeleyBear April 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

Damn you, robot! I was all set to drop the mad Ballad of Kenneth Parcells bomb!

Seriously, has there ever been a whiter Indian outside of a bad Western?

SorosBot April 20, 2012 at 11:35 am
EtchySketchy April 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

I hope someone was monitoring the dessert cart for lava cake.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

The Indian in the Fudge Shop.

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

Bobby wasn't just being boring — he was doing it on purpose, so that once everyone was possessed by the demon of ennui, he could practice his exorcism.

ManchuCandidate April 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

Boring people to tears is the white man's (Mittens) job, brown Kenneth.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

Ha ha, the free market will clean up oil spills right after it builds high-speed rail and gets rid of air pollution. What a kidder that Jindal is!

freakishlywrong April 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

Man. Republicans.

elgin_pelican April 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

I've decided the current repub party is some sort of Performance Art outfit – kinda like Blue Man Group, but with, you know, more hate.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

Why do Republicans hate their real names? Willard is Mitt. This guy is Bobby. And they give Obama grief for using "Barack" instead of Barry.

This subspecies of humanoid confuses and angers me

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2012 at 11:48 am

And Newt, né "Leroy." I'm liking "Leroy" better. So does Michelle Schocked.

Pop_Socket April 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Thanks for the tune. Great song.

niblick77 April 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

Did he ever eat dog?

Jus_Wonderin April 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

Not in the "conventional" way.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

Romney/Jindal 2012: America's Dream Ticket

*rimshot*

ManchuCandidate April 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

Insomniac's dream ticket. Prince Valium has nothing on those two.

mavenmaven April 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

"Bobby Jindal: laissez le bons temps rouller! "

AddHomonym April 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm

More like dormer.

George Spelvin April 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Indeed. I was gonna say "laissez le bon tempzzzzzzzz".

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

Guys,why are we ignoring the real injustices of the world: Like why the US doesn't have that Pizza stuffed with a foot long hotdog in the crust.

Blueb4sunrise April 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

R.S. left a good mango at the link.

each greeted by a determined-looking Bobby Jindal smiling up from their seat cushion.

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

o/~ Sit on my face, and tell me that you'll elect me….o/~

Blueb4sunrise April 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

cruel to not link, actor……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0fBAwDKPcI

Ya know, this would make a swell them song for Wonkette. Wonder why there never was one. Or was there once?

actor212 April 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

A national anthem, so to speak?

Well, now that this is a mommyblog, I'd guess something by Raffi….

bagofmice April 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I prefer the "Lords of Acid" version.

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

Keep currying that chicken, Piyush.

Crank_Tango April 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

I'm having naan of it.

PubOption April 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Is he trying to curry favor with Mitt?

George Spelvin April 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Maybe he can curry the Oesterreichen Warmbluts.

WiscDad April 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

Was he doing his best Mr. Rogers this time as well?

SaintRond April 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

This is the kind of asshole cocksuckers you end up with legal immigration.

Illegal people are better. They really are. And they know what being an American is all about from the get-go.

johnnyzhivago April 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

Birth Certificate, Please….

unclejeems April 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

Laissez les bon temps . . . z z z z z z z z z z . . .

CivicHoliday April 20, 2012 at 11:49 am

When they make him VP the GOP will definitely have the robot and blind appalachian vote locked up.

Crank_Tango April 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

Little known fact, "Bobby" originally hails from a place called Sexcriminalboat.

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

If Jindal had really been "trying out" for a coveted position, he should've emulated his predecessor in yawns as when Pawlenty became a vocal impressionist. T-paw's memorable episode when he was trying out different accents broke me from my zzz-trance for a few moments.

Chet Kincaid April 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Lousy Insult Comic / Mind-Numbing Observational Comic 2012!!

Guppy April 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The power of Christ compels you to shut up!

oldedinvn April 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

A few years ago he was the great brown hope. Now he id the bestest & goodest savior to be the VP. American exceptialism at its bestest.

thefrontpage April 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Be sure to join Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson, Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, Paul McCartney, Ziggy Marley, Steven Tyler and George Soros, Ted Nugent, Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly at the High Times Happy Hour today, Friday, April 20, 2012, at 4:20 p.m. in San Francisco at High Times Cafe and Bar. It should be fun time for everyone! This event is sponsored by High Times Magzine, the High Times Cafe and Bar, Zig-Zag Rolling Papers, Cannibis Magazine, Rolling Stone and Playboy. The host for the Happy Hour is Ziggy Marley.

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

2 points:
1) Rush Limbaugh loves this guy.
2) Rush Limbaugh has 90% hearing loss.
Draw your own conclusions.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Tweets from Ozzie Guillen: "I love that motherfucker Jindal. People been trying to silence him for years, & he keeps talking".

Wadisay April 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Lassez le ennui rollez!

owhatever April 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I had a girlfriend; Bobby was his name. He talked and talked, then talked and talked some more. He wouldn't shut up, talkin' about his dad. The salad got old, the crawfish got cold. So I decided, to wonk him about the head. Now I don't have that girlfriend any more.

Play it with a plain C-chord, over and over, like Ted Nugent.

Beowoof April 20, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I am still bored by his State of the Union response.

lulzmonger April 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

TITS OR STFU.

Tricky_Dick April 21, 2012 at 9:25 am

He’s not a governor, he works at Dunkin Doughnuts. Nice guy but could use a little deodorant. Just saying….

ttommyunger April 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

Mitt light…I mean dark…..Oh fuck it.

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