veepstakes

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Bores GOP To Tears In Castro-Length Veep-Tryout Speech

The ExorcistOh Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Why do you still try to talk at people? Don’t you remember the last time you had an audience, when you skulked around corners in your haunted mansion to give the hilarious response to the State of the Union, the unkind comparisons to Mr. Burns, and a skeleton, and Mr. Burns’s skeleton? Remember how everyone mocked you for trying to score cheap political points on spending money on — get this haw haw! — volcano monitoring about five seconds before that terrorist Iceland volcano shut down Europe? Because you are an asshole? Well apparently in addition to being an asshole, you are also super boring and not very self-aware and make people wait 45 minutes listening to you yammer about yourself and your transformative changes before you will let them eat their vittles, and everyone makes fun of you and people laugh.

The governor had also requested a 45-minute speaking slot, which he used to talk about everything from the failings of President Obama to his immigrant upbringing and the surprising wisdom of his father’s advice, to the free-market ways to clean up an oil spill, to his own tranformative changes to education policy.

Some people liked it.

Haha not really.

Others seemed less inspired. As the speech wore on, Jindal’s applause lines drew less and less of a response, and tables broke out into their own visible side conversations, while Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

Dinner waited in the wings until he finished, right around the 45-minute mark.

“I can assure you that I will speak shorter than our prior speakers, because the food is here,” said State Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos when he finally took to the podium, to laughs and cheers.

No, bring Bobby Jindal back! We want to hear more about his dad for five hours, and jokes about port-o-potties while people are waiting to eat. Mitt Romney should look no further, Bobby Jindal is the future of zzzzzzz. [CapitalNewYork]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Bobby, look over there, is that a volcano?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      No, it's just Jindal. He hasn't finished spewing yet.

    • MrFizzy

      Mount Dull.

      • flamingpdog

        Mount Jindull.

        • Generation[redacted]

          It certainly does spew.

    • bagofmice

      Yo yo yo, bobby, imma gonna let you finish, but we could have been monitoring volcanoes this whole time!

    • Preferred Customer

      I refuse to waste taxpayer money looking over there to see if that is, in fact, a volcano.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Piyush is a dish best served cold.

    • nounverb911

      With extra Tabasco for color?

      • bagofmice

        Home state advantage.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He's Piyushing his luck.

    • lulzmonger

      ♬ Piyush Piyush in the bush! ♩

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Bobby Jindal: Making Mittens look even whiter.

    • tcaalaw

      Little-known linguistic fact: "Piyush" is Hindi for "Willard."

  • Barb

    I bet future shrimpies hope they are born without ears too so they won't have to listen to his prattle for the dead speeches.

    • OKthennext

      They will be. Deaf and blind, that is.

      Our local paper is celebrating 2 years of Gulf Oil pollution with pictures of formerly yummy Gulf coast fishies all covered with lesions and other horrors.

      • Barb

        That is so pathetic. I remember BP announcing that their company would "survive this." That's like someone running your dog over and saying, "My car will be okay, don't worry."

        • OKthennext

          They 'survived' alright. 2011 profits of 5.3 billion.

          • bagofmice

            Taxes? Zero.

    • Terry

      Bobby was also pushing a really really stupid idea that every frickin scientist and engineer in south Louisiana was against. He wanted to fill in all the passes and cuts between the State's barrier islands as a means to stop oil.

      Among the many things wrong with idea:

      – By the time you get miles and miles of stone barriers put in place between the island, the oil will have already reached shore if it's going to do so.

      – If you make really hard, durable blockages between the barrier islands, the next hurricane or other storm is going to break through the barrier islands themselves as they're sand and weaker than the stone monstrosities Bobby was advocating. Jindal would singlehandedly wipe out what's left of Louisiana's barrier islands with one really stupid idea.

      • sullivanst

        Another terrible thing about that awful idea is, the stagnation caused by the barriers would've killed whatever was in the "protected" area more surely than the oil.

        Also, it would've required moving vast quantities of foreign dirt/rock/etc. into a sensitive ecosystem. Foreign dirt/rock/etc unavoidably contains foreign fauna too. The foreign fauna on the inside of the barrier would of course have died along with everything else in the stagnant water. The foreign fauna on the outside would, if we were lucky, die also, or if not, become the next prickly pear / cane toad / lion fish / zebra mussel (you get the picture – when we move shit around the planet, we fuck things up real good).

    • George Spelvin

      Barb, how do you do it? You are consistently the quickest wit in this bubbling caldera of wit that is Wonkete National Snark.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more anchor babies.

  • realmurkin

    Bobby Jindal, master orator.

    • MrsBiggTime

      Bubba Jindal, master at something, anyway…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dude, how do you think he got a Deep South state to support a turban-wearing Muslin Hindu for governor in the first place?

      Orate, orate, orate!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I have wondered. I grew up there. (Yes, sympathy accepted.) But, see, he is not a black man so…it's okay.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        He's a Christian.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Oh yea. BIG time.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Stop confusing the issue with your "facts".

        • horsedreamer_1

          A real one, unlike that "Rev." Martin Luther King, Jr.

        • teebob2000

          Yeah but c'mon, none of them browns is the RIGHT KIND of Christian.

  • Schmannnity

    Needs more eyeless shrimp and crabs.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
    • EtchySketchy

      Penguins!

    • lulzmonger

      Shorter Taxpayers Protection Alliance: GET A JOB, FREELOADER.

  • freakishlywrong

    Asshole isn't qualified to manage a Quik-e-Mart. None of 'em are.

    • WiscDad

      Then why do they all own one??? Ohhhh…you mean politicians…sorry

  • prommie

    I thought he struck out so embarrassingly in his last at-bat for veep that they sent him back to the minors?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He needs a t-shirt with a paraphrase of that old lady on the First Alert ads: "Help!! I'm talking and I can't shut up!!"

    • prommie

      What I want to know is, where's the beef?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Mouth on!
      Mouth off!
      Mouth on mouth off
      The No-Clapper.

  • EtchySketchy

    Can't wait for his convention speech.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      You might want to Tivo it. Heard it's scheduled for 4:45 ayem on a Sunday, so you know most of the conventioneers will still be in their rooms haggling wearily with their rentboys.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      He's going to go for the Bill Clinton Watch Checker record.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Sarah Palin claimed to be a pit bull in lipstick. She was not. (Nolistick, just a nasty, vituperative bitch female dog.

      I suggest, rather than being a transformative figure, Jindal will be a mongoose, defanged.

      • sewollef

        Robert (Bobby) Mongoose…. yeah, that works for me.

  • tcaalaw

    Over a billion people in India and they send us Bobby Jindal and Nikki Haley. Indians, WTF? Is it because of our love of hamburgers?

    • justincasetoo

      No, just wanted to get rid of 'em. Wouldn't you?

  • Steverino247

    Skulkfucker!

  • edgydrifter

    For crying out loud, Bobby. Rename your state West Mississippi and be done with it already.

    • OKthennext

      Make that from roughly I-10, northward and I can get behind your proposal.

      • elviouslyqueer

        No no. Alex is always the border between "real" Louisiana and the Yankee Rednecks. We'd even allow Natchitoches and LeCompte to stay with us authentic Louisianians, because of deliciousness.

        • OKthennext

          Oh lawd. Lea's Pies. How could I ferget?

    • elviouslyqueer

      BAJA ARKANSAS LIBEL.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    You're not going to be able to make me choose sides between India and Mexico. I like them both equally.

  • EtchySketchy

    Was that the same vacuum cleaner used to clean the shit from Romney's roof top dog-box?

    • Troglodeity

      When you think about it, how much shit did that terrified dog have to release in the first place for it to actually manage to flow down the station wagon's rear window and be recognized by the Romney boys as coming from the dog box? Insane.

  • widestanceromance

    At least, his speech lasted longer than a sand berm.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Should have brought up the music–it usually works at the Academy Awards when some award winner is yammering for too long.

  • Goonemeritus

    Well if you look at it as performance art was it really that different from an Andy Kaufman wrestling piece. How do we know we aren’t missing his genius. Will we be embarrassed two decades from now by our lack of hipness.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yeeeeeeeeeeeeea, not so much.

    • Geminisunmars

      I'm embarrassed now, but more for our species.

    • George Spelvin

      I've already been embarrassed for decades by my lack of hipness, but what does that have to do with this fart in the wind?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Jindal joked about how the vacuums used to clean up after the Deepwater Horizon spill were the same ones used to empty “port-o-potties after a football game on a Friday night.”

    So check it out, man! Those vacuums we rousted into action to pump the oil from the sea water onto our beaches so we could collect it?

    HAHAHAHAHA….well….HAHAHAHA….we used them to clean the shitters at Tulane games so now our beaches are FULL of shit and that blue stuff that stains everything when you drop a cherry bomb in and crude oi–

    Wait a minute….what?????

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Where's your birf certificate, Piyush? And I want to see the long form one!

  • anniegetyerfun

    I think Jindal's biggest problem is not just being boring and unimaginative, but being excruciatingly dumb*. The GOP keeps giving him a shot, in hopes that his melanin will cause liberals to accidentally vote for him as veep over Obama as pres, but I hope that they are getting the picture now.

    *Yes, this is obviously much of the GOP's problem, but Jindal is worse than most at hiding it, given what little exposure he has on the national stage.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Don't all browns look alike to *everybody*?

    • prommie

      Suddenly I realize what Beck was talking about when he sang of "the forces of evil in a Bozo nightmare." The republicans!

    • George Spelvin

      Oddly, he's supposed to be the smart one. I think it's more a matter of being excruciatingly (an interesting word, in context) Xtian.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    WTF is with Republicans always referring to their "dads"? My "dad" this. My "dad" that. In formal conversation I always refer to my father. Is it to make them seem human or something?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I blame the patriarchy

    • Guppy

      "Father" has too many syllables for their target audience.

  • MrFizzy

    They should send this dude to Guantanamo to lecture the prisoners – instant confessions ensue.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      "Make… it him…. STOP!.."

  • Schmannnity

    Variety Headline: Indian Curries Favor With the Mitt.

    • freakishlywrong

      I see what you did there..

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hix Nix Stick Figure

    • bagofmice

      The spice must flow.

  • SorosBot

    Here I thought Kenneth had been bumped down to working as a janitor after quitting his position as a censor in standards and practices.

  • EtchySketchy

    I hope someone was monitoring the dessert cart for lava cake.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    The Indian in the Fudge Shop.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Bobby wasn't just being boring — he was doing it on purpose, so that once everyone was possessed by the demon of ennui, he could practice his exorcism.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Boring people to tears is the white man's (Mittens) job, brown Kenneth.

  • V572 Fehrnstrom

    Ha ha, the free market will clean up oil spills right after it builds high-speed rail and gets rid of air pollution. What a kidder that Jindal is!

  • freakishlywrong

    Man. Republicans.

  • elgin_pelican

    I've decided the current repub party is some sort of Performance Art outfit – kinda like Blue Man Group, but with, you know, more hate.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Why do Republicans hate their real names? Willard is Mitt. This guy is Bobby. And they give Obama grief for using "Barack" instead of Barry.

    This subspecies of humanoid confuses and angers me

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      And Newt, né "Leroy." I'm liking "Leroy" better. So does Michelle Schocked.

      • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

        Thanks for the tune. Great song.

  • niblick77

    Did he ever eat dog?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Not in the "conventional" way.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Romney/Jindal 2012: America's Dream Ticket

    *rimshot*

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Insomniac's dream ticket. Prince Valium has nothing on those two.

  • mavenmaven

    "Bobby Jindal: laissez le bons temps rouller! "

    • AddHomonym

      More like dormer.

      • George Spelvin

        Indeed. I was gonna say "laissez le bon tempzzzzzzzz".

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Guys,why are we ignoring the real injustices of the world: Like why the US doesn't have that Pizza stuffed with a foot long hotdog in the crust.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    R.S. left a good mango at the link.

    each greeted by a determined-looking Bobby Jindal smiling up from their seat cushion.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      o/~ Sit on my face, and tell me that you'll elect me….o/~

      • Blueb4sunrise

        cruel to not link, actor……
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0fBAwDKPcI

        Ya know, this would make a swell them song for Wonkette. Wonder why there never was one. Or was there once?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          A national anthem, so to speak?

          Well, now that this is a mommyblog, I'd guess something by Raffi….

      • bagofmice

        I prefer the "Lords of Acid" version.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Keep currying that chicken, Piyush.

    • Crank_Tango

      I'm having naan of it.

    • PubOption

      Is he trying to curry favor with Mitt?

      • George Spelvin

        Maybe he can curry the Oesterreichen Warmbluts.

  • WiscDad

    Was he doing his best Mr. Rogers this time as well?

  • SaintRond

    This is the kind of asshole cocksuckers you end up with legal immigration.

    Illegal people are better. They really are. And they know what being an American is all about from the get-go.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Birth Certificate, Please….

  • unclejeems

    Laissez les bon temps . . . z z z z z z z z z z . . .

  • CivicHoliday

    When they make him VP the GOP will definitely have the robot and blind appalachian vote locked up.

  • Crank_Tango

    Little known fact, "Bobby" originally hails from a place called Sexcriminalboat.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    If Jindal had really been "trying out" for a coveted position, he should've emulated his predecessor in yawns as when Pawlenty became a vocal impressionist. T-paw's memorable episode when he was trying out different accents broke me from my zzz-trance for a few moments.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Lousy Insult Comic / Mind-Numbing Observational Comic 2012!!

  • Guppy

    The power of Christ compels you to shut up!

  • oldedinvn

    A few years ago he was the great brown hope. Now he id the bestest & goodest savior to be the VP. American exceptialism at its bestest.

  • thefrontpage

    Be sure to join Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson, Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, Paul McCartney, Ziggy Marley, Steven Tyler and George Soros, Ted Nugent, Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly at the High Times Happy Hour today, Friday, April 20, 2012, at 4:20 p.m. in San Francisco at High Times Cafe and Bar. It should be fun time for everyone! This event is sponsored by High Times Magzine, the High Times Cafe and Bar, Zig-Zag Rolling Papers, Cannibis Magazine, Rolling Stone and Playboy. The host for the Happy Hour is Ziggy Marley.

  • BarackMyWorld

    2 points:
    1) Rush Limbaugh loves this guy.
    2) Rush Limbaugh has 90% hearing loss.
    Draw your own conclusions.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Tweets from Ozzie Guillen: "I love that motherfucker Jindal. People been trying to silence him for years, & he keeps talking".

  • Wadisay

    Lassez le ennui rollez!

  • owhatever

    I had a girlfriend; Bobby was his name. He talked and talked, then talked and talked some more. He wouldn't shut up, talkin' about his dad. The salad got old, the crawfish got cold. So I decided, to wonk him about the head. Now I don't have that girlfriend any more.

    Play it with a plain C-chord, over and over, like Ted Nugent.

  • Beowoof

    I am still bored by his State of the Union response.

  • lulzmonger

    TITS OR STFU.

  • Tricky_Dick

    He’s not a governor, he works at Dunkin Doughnuts. Nice guy but could use a little deodorant. Just saying….

  • ttommyunger

    Mitt light…I mean dark…..Oh fuck it.