WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS  9:21 pm April 20, 2012

Apocalyptic Weather Fools Americans Into Thinking Climate Change Is Real

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Al Gore: still naked.Here is some exciting news we almost missed: Despite the yeoman’s service performed by Fox News in explaining to its panicky viewership how global warming was just a hoax invented by the Weather Channel in a cynical plot to gin up ratings, it seems that the never-ending string of Rick Perry’s failed rain dances, the recent creepy tropical winter experienced by most of the country that is confusing the hell out of farmers’ crops, and all those thousands of category-one-million tornadoes mowing down large swaths of Real America are all conspiring to make your fellow citizens a tad suspicious about the alleged fictional nature of climate change. New polling shows that about two thirds of Americans think that global warming is affecting weather in the United States, which means that — brace yourselves — a startling two thirds of Americans believe that global warming exists. In 2009, just over half shared this view. Sustained deadly catastrophe was all it took!

From the NYTimes:

The [Knowledge Networks] poll suggests that a solid majority of the public feels that global warming is real, a result consistent with other polls that have asked the question in various ways. When invited to agree or disagree with the statement, “global warming is affecting the weather in the United States,” 69 percent of respondents in the new poll said they agreed, while 30 percent disagreed.

Asked whether they agreed or disagreed that global warming had contributed to the unusually warm winter just past, 25 percent of the respondents said they strongly agreed that it had, and 47 percent said they somewhat agreed. Only 17 percent somewhat disagreed, and 11 percent strongly disagreed.

Majorities almost as large cited global warming as a likely factor in last year’s record summer heat wave, as well as the 2011 drought in Texas and Oklahoma. Smaller but still substantial majorities cited it as a factor in the record United States snowfalls of 2010 and 2011 and the Mississippi River floods of 2011. Those views, too, are consistent with scientific evidence, which suggests that global warming is causing heavier precipitation in all seasons.

So who’s kind of afraid now of what it will take to get a similar percentage of Americans to believe in evolution? [NYTimes]

 

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{ 248 comments }

Barb April 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I've said it before, there is no such thing as "global warming" It's those damn penguins and their "Happy Feet"

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 9:41 pm

So, Newt's recent run-in with a a penguin was just a case of "Happy Beaks" trying to edumacate him about the real cause of global warmification?

Smitros April 20, 2012 at 10:34 pm

"Happy Feet" are gay.

Fare la Volpe April 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Your loafers have to be pretty light to dance.

Preacher_Griz April 21, 2012 at 7:16 am

I've said it before, if there was global warming God would Answer our Prayers to cool the planet. The planet is obviously NOT cooling which PROVES God is unconcerned and is probably going to take out a vengeance on all the elitocrats, alarmists and goreshevicks who are WASTING His time unless they quiet down.

starfanglednut April 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Sadly, what you just said would make sense to some people.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:01 am

Isn't the world supposed to end in fire the next time? So, it's all good. Just God's plan, to make people fritters.

Toomush_Infer April 21, 2012 at 9:01 am

Some say fire, some say ice….

bagofmice April 21, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Isn't there a song about that?

Schmannnity April 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Climate change is meaningless in the mountains of Appalachia and the cotton fields of the old Confederacy.

Preacher_Griz April 21, 2012 at 7:17 am

That is CORRECT. He have had Global Warming down here since way back in the day. 'Bout time it started happening in elitocratville.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:02 am

The BIBLE keeps us cool.

bobhiggins April 27, 2012 at 8:33 am

More important is the fact that the idea of anthropogenic climate change is anathema in the corporate boardrooms of powerful multinational corporations and therefore in our federal and state legislatures. Most people in Appalachia and the South know when to come in out of the rain.

memzilla April 20, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Faux News also revealed that 92% of its viewers agreed with the statement: "Global Warming is because Jeebus is mad at America for having a Socialist Nearer in the White House."

Redgyal April 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Really it is the opposite. God can't possibly mad at "Real Americans" so it must be the weather.

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 9:27 pm

So who’s kind of afraid now of what it will take to get a similar percentage of Americans to believe in evolution?

Maybe when Jeebus returns to Earth as a dinosaur.

not that Dewey April 21, 2012 at 12:51 am

Just wait until you see the size of his huevos!

Designer_Rants April 22, 2012 at 12:32 am

Whaa? and Whoa! Those are bigguns. Are any Wonketeers paleontologists? I'd like an opinion. I suppose it wouldn't be too hard to believe a brontosaurus could poop out a 3ft sphere, but what do I know.

not that Dewey April 22, 2012 at 3:46 am

Well, I'm just an electrical engineer, so I'm not qualified to comment on issues of paleontology. But I first saw this on Brian Williams' show, who at first claimed that they were dinosaur eggs, then said that they could not possibly be dinosaur eggs (because he is bipartisan).

Anyway, a paleontologist will tell you that there's no such thing as a brontosaurus.,That's a discredited 1970s-era designation. My 5-year-old daughter recently set me straight on that point. Boy, was I embarrassed.

Designer_Rants April 22, 2012 at 8:47 am

I'm flying my flag at half-staff for the brontosaurus today.

donner_froh April 21, 2012 at 2:46 am

The ticket scalpers will get rich on the dinosaur Jesus world tour.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:03 am

Jesosaurus!

the_problem_child April 20, 2012 at 9:28 pm

So, it takes disasters of biblical proportions to convince Americans that science might be right. Not sure this is a winning formula.

LetUsBray April 20, 2012 at 9:42 pm

On the plus side, at this rate we'll be having more of them.

the_problem_child April 20, 2012 at 10:07 pm

So, critical mass just a bit too late?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

giving xtians ammo is NOT what i consider smart.

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 12:26 am

So, it takes disasters of biblical proportions to convince Americans that the bible is fiction.

Preacher_Griz April 21, 2012 at 7:19 am

No!!!

God creates Biblical Disasters to prove HE is right and to get folk back apraying!!!

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:05 am

Amen! God's the best mass murdering narcissist EVAH!!!!

Schmannnity April 20, 2012 at 9:31 pm

"Asked whether they agreed or disagreed that global warming had contributed to the unusually warm winter just past, 25 percent of the respondents said they strongly agreed that it had, and 47 percent said they somewhat agreed. "

25% + 47% = 72% of all respondents are communists.

weejee April 21, 2012 at 11:07 am

But, but teh maths haz no place in a teh loyal 'Murican belief system.

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

No scientific theory about climate can ever be true because some scientist who believes in it was once wrong about something else. Logic!

LetUsBray April 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Also too, Al Gore is fat.

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 12:28 am

And Al Gore has a jet and a big house. Proof.

not that Dewey April 21, 2012 at 12:54 am

And George Soros once ate Christian babies. QED

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 1:27 am

Epistemology will get you nowhere.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:07 am

And is a Nazi Jew.

comptoneffect April 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Don't forget about the emails!!! The scientists did something with emails and that's why global warming is false. [wipes spittle from keyboard]

mormos April 21, 2012 at 1:06 am

I believe this is known as the "herp derp proof," completely infallible.

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm

For instance, when people were asked whether they attributed specific events to global warming, recent heat waves drew the largest majorities.

And when they were asked whether they attributed specific events to Republican douchebaggery, recent Republican Presidential douchebag debates drew the largest majorities.

Man0nTheStreet April 20, 2012 at 9:39 pm

It's all just another of SATAN'S elitist uppity marxist tricks to lead us True White Republican Christians of Real America away from Eternal Biblical Truthjust like when He told us the Giant's bones are really "dinosaurs"…

Preacher_Griz April 21, 2012 at 7:20 am

Finally, somebody gets it!! GIL!! PTL!!!!

Mahousu April 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Don't worry. It's supposed to rain and get a bit cooler this weekend – in Maryland, at least. So global warming is officially over.

Lynne April 20, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I've never seen a spring like this in Juneau. It finally rained today…in rain country…after way too many sunny days (weeks?) for this part of Alaska. I was getting worried. It's nice, of course, but this part of the country is built (and grown) on rain. Hard to know how it will change if…gasp…climate change/global warming is "true"! Imagine that. (Actually, I don't want to imagine that.)

GeneralLerong April 20, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Snot that bad. You missed the Six Week Drought in the summer of '79?

April is the dry season, after all, when we typically get more rain than the Gobi Desert gets in 3 years… or something like that…

Lynne April 20, 2012 at 11:45 pm

I can't say as I remember, but that was awhile back. I started working on the ferries that summer, and I spent more time in the engine room than anywhere else. Guess I must have missed it. The engine room was pretty dry though. Does that count?

Barb April 20, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Lynne, I wish you the best. I'd love to see your Juneau photos. Post some, please.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:09 am

Juneau we all feel for you.

Lynne April 21, 2012 at 10:46 am

I have a bunch on my Facebook page that I think anyone can look at.
https://www.facebook.com/lynnekaystevens

Lynne April 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Sorry, Barb. I thought those photos were available for anyone to see.

donner_froh April 21, 2012 at 2:51 am

A rain forest without rain. Seems to be something missing there.

GeneralLerong April 21, 2012 at 10:33 am

When in doubt, whip out a graph!

Rain rain go away

weejee April 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Can you keep up with the sunny for the next week? I'm part of a rain-averse team from Seattle that is coming-up to look at the dock in Skagway, so we'll be passin' thru your fair city.

Lynne April 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

Could be sunny again by then.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Conservatives I know weasel out of this by saying "Ah, yes global warming exists, but it is not man made".

Dashboard Buddha April 20, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Same here. Every time I hear that, I think about a car rolling down a hill. The driver may not have caused it, but it won't help to press on the gas.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:11 am

Funny, I think of a person teetering on the edge of a cliff, with Republicans saying "Push!"

Chichikovovich April 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Oh yeah. Those Potemkin-science institutes absolutely earn their oil industry money. They've got a whole range of defensive entrenchments:

1) No global warming.
2) Global warming but not man-made
3) Global warming, and it is man-made, but there is nothing that we can do about it at this point.
4) Global warming, and it is man-made, and there is something people could do about it, but the economic costs are prohibitive.
5) Global warming, and it is man-made, and there is something people could do about it, and the economic costs are nonexistent or manageable, but China and India won't agree ever.
.
.
.

And of course they create maximum confusion by arguing all these positions at once.
Minnesota will be a rainforest before these guys run out of go-to talking points.

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:05 am

6) Global warming, and it's man-made, and we can do something about it, but we shouldn't because the effects will be beneficial honestcrossmyheartswearonmymomandmyfingersaren'tcrossedipromise.

Judith_Priest April 21, 2012 at 1:51 am

You missed the latest:

6) Global warming, and it's caused by humans … but only by *immigrant* humans!

Seriously, I saw this somewhere today.

MissNancyPriss April 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Where do we go from here

George Spelvin April 21, 2012 at 2:23 am

We really are fucked,aren't we? Another thing the non-precognitive Founders missed: most of us are lobsters in a gently warming pot.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

Mmmmm….lobster.

Chichikovovich April 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

Ahhhhh….pot.

iburl April 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Global Warming is not man made but that's only because everything is in God's Plan.
It's easier and more comforting to have all the answers and feel that somebody is "watching over us" than it is to confront actual science and reality that spells catastrophe for the planet.

But then, these are the people who would also vote for Ted Nugent for Governor.

bagofmice April 21, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I think the proper rebuttal is "We can land robots on mars, do you think we can't terraform this planet?"

Biff April 20, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I was really happy with all that global warming going on during this past winter, but now that it's over 90° already and looks like 100° by Sunday, I'm not quite so welcoming anymore.

anniegetyerfun April 20, 2012 at 10:33 pm

In Seattle, we are looking forward to temperatures that might hit the low 70s this summer. Global warming, yay!

George Spelvin April 21, 2012 at 2:24 am

Happy desert.

imissopus April 20, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Meh, give it six months. The upper Midwest will get a vicious early-season blizzard and those numbers will flip.

Dashboard Buddha April 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I was just about to say the same thing. Most of us Americans have the attention span of a kitten. We're also not very good about making connections or extrapolating future events on past events. I'm surprised more people aren't shocked by the sun every morning.

imissopus April 20, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Reminds me of a bit from an early season of Cheers. The gang in the bar had gotten into some situation, and Sam said "Fellas, how did we not see this coming?" To which Diane replies, "This from a group that every year fails to see winter coming."

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:14 am

Kitten libe…butterfly!

Toomush_Infer April 21, 2012 at 9:05 am

Just did – all our cherry blossums went droop with the 3 inches of snow in tip-of-the-mitt Michigan yesterday….

Dashboard Buddha April 20, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Global warming my ass. Just look at how many more fat people there are now. Do you think that's an accident? We're heading towards a period of global cooling…

and cannibalism.

Schmannnity April 20, 2012 at 9:49 pm

When Florida looks like the Netherlands in 30 years, if he is still alive, Pat Robertson will say it's God's wrath on South Beach for Gays and Anita Bryant.

Swampgas_Man April 20, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Robertson is 90 NOW. In keeping w/ the New Rules of Civility, I don't want to actually watch him die and turn to dust, but Jeebus I hope he doesn't prey on the weak another quarter century.

pinkocommi April 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm

In other news, 69% of Americans think that the other 31% are ignorant fools… because they are.

Madam Killjoy April 20, 2012 at 11:07 pm

This should be up-fisted into infinity.

Toomush_Infer April 21, 2012 at 9:06 am

I'm not sure about your numbers….I heard 69% of Americans thought the other 69% were ignorant fools….can you check for me?….this is important….

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2012 at 9:56 pm

9 out of 10 dentists agree, you should probably ask more than 10 dentists.

chascates April 20, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Sen. Inhofe and his God beg to differ. Actually his deity is silent on this issue but Inhofe claims close communication with the Creator of the Universe.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Does anyone remember Tina Fey, doing a parody of Palin on SNL with Amy?

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "I believe global warming is caused by man."

FEY AS PALIN: "And I believe it's just God hugging us closer."

ifthethunderdontgetya April 20, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Yes, I do.

Tina Fey as Mooselini was an-all-too rare reason to tune into SNL again.

(I used to love that show, but they lost their way…bigtime!)
~

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I miss Gilda. : (

ifthethunderdontgetya April 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I miss Jane Curtin and Dan Ackroyd, too.

(Note that we're still having this same 'argument', decades later.)
~

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I can't believe that SNL has lasted for so many years with so many seasons being lame.
I know I am going to get hate mail for saying that Kristen Wiig is so not funny.

finallyhappy April 21, 2012 at 7:32 am

I saw her do her one woman show in NYC-she died way too young.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I tell you, that was one of my most memorable SNL lines, ever, exactly because you could imagine the figure being skewered actually saying it. Never has an impersonation of a public figure been more spot on than when Tina Fey tackeld Palin, and it actually had little to do with the physical resemblence, for me.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Neg, I'm not sure how old you are. My favorite was Mrs Lupner:

Ined:You know Marshall, as a single mother I've had to be both mother and father to Lisa.
Todd:And you've done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.
Marshall:Uhh…Ined, I hope this isn't indelicate [picks his nose] but, how did Mr. Loopner pass away?
Ined:He was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.

trampndirtdown April 20, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Oh Taaawwd!

Barb April 21, 2012 at 12:03 am

Trampn, Ackroyd's, butt crack skit with the Lupner's was classic. I tried to find it and hit virus after virus and a few porn sites that I don't want to click.

Who would think that the keywords "butt" and "crack" would cause something like this?

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:13 am

Plus the fact they were able in one skit to just use Palin's exact words, verbatim.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Everyone knows it can't be true if it's not in the BIBLE!

sullivanst April 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Unless it involves hating teh gh3ys, in which case its absence from the bible just proves God thought it was so obvious we should all hate teh gh3ys that he didn't think it needed mentioning.

Geminisunmars April 21, 2012 at 11:57 am

You need to recheck. Revulsions 13:69 — And verily, it is said that he whoever shall bring onto himself that which should only be given to those who cannot and will not will nevermore be able to further the furrowing of same likeness, and thus will be thrust into the pain of the outcasted, and shunned forevermore.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 20, 2012 at 10:03 pm

You guys know what else is just a theory?

Gravity.

glamourdammerung April 20, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Only because libtards refuse to teach the controversy about Intelligent Falling.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:23 am

Or, as said in Toy Story, falling with style.

starfanglednut April 21, 2012 at 9:50 am

Complete and utter win.

Warwhatgoodfor April 20, 2012 at 10:31 pm

So jump off a hundred story building already. Last guy who tried, he was half way down, and reported everything was fine.

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Biblical truth! I believe it was Job who said, "There is no gravity – the Earth sucks."

weejee April 21, 2012 at 11:09 am

I thought it was his daughters who said that .

/ rides away on small scooter wearing his Fez and clown suit

CivicHoliday April 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

I literally use this line of argument with my Bio students when discussing the scientific method and climate change. Many still don't get it because they prefer things that are "True" (which most often is more like "truthiness")

Sassomatic April 21, 2012 at 3:26 pm

No it isn't. Gravity is a law. It's the Law of Gravity.

glamourdammerung April 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm

There you go with those libunatic lies again. Gravity is not a law as it is not even in the Bible!!111!!!!!!!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 21, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Just what every good joke needs, facts! Thanks!

ifthethunderdontgetya April 20, 2012 at 10:04 pm

All we are saying, is give peas a chance.
~

SexySmurf April 20, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Is it hot out here or is it just me?

Yeah, it's me.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:11 pm

It's you!

littlebigdaddy April 21, 2012 at 12:22 am

menopause is a bitch

OC_Surf_Serf April 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

No need to worry about Global Warming in Alaska as Ted Nugent is killing bears all by himself…

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:13 pm

WTF? This guy is a killing machine.

OC_Surf_Serf April 20, 2012 at 10:15 pm

It appears the Nuge fulfilled his bag limit. And I didn't even think he had balls.

Terry April 20, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I really hope the Nuge alarms those Secret Service agents when they come a' visitin'.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Good one, Terry!

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm

shot and killed another black bear at one of the registered bait site

Registered bait sites??? Asshole can't even go out in the woods and track down a mother-fucking bear? They better start keeping an eye out for him at the San Diego Zoo.

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:03 am

Worth reading the story just for the name of the place he did it:

Suck oneSukkwan Island

Nuge is a turd, also too.

lulzmonger April 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Bryan Fischer finds this impossible NOT to fap to.

owhatever April 20, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Not to worry. When Earth fails, Mitt will transfer us to his own planet. Or if you become part of his cult, you will get a planet that's all yours, so you can go there, although it does not include a car elevator.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 20, 2012 at 10:17 pm

What they don't tell you is that most of the planets available are giant balls of superheated methane or rocks with no atmosphere. Buyer beware!

Warwhatgoodfor April 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

But, do I get hookers and a beer mountain? The Gospel of the FSM has both of these for all believers. Plus I get to dress up as a pirate. And none of that burning forever in hell crap. What have you guys got? Don't care about some gas giant a few million miles from it's primary, so talk to me.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:28 am

I'm becoming a Pastafarian.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm

One third of Americans are dumber than my dog, and she tries to run away from her own butt when she farts.

Judith_Priest April 21, 2012 at 1:59 am

OW! That was funny. I have a cat that is sometimes startled by this process of hers, too.

Geminisunmars April 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Gee. I do that too. I didn't know it was unusual, though.

biblioteq_tress April 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

One third of Americans are not, actually, smart enough to run away from their own farts. Or to blame them on their pets.

johnnyzhivago April 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm

What does Al Roker have to say about all of this?

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm

"nom nom nom"

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 20, 2012 at 10:13 pm

You nailed exactly what my response was. Two thirds believe in global warming ("climate change" for you Republican pussies), but

LESS THAN HALF

believe in evolution. Maybe it's time for the lefties to engage some new manifest-destiny/Bush doctrine shit and start invading smart countries… just to get away from these dickheads… at least while we still have a libtard in the WH and a few dollars to pad into another war.

ThundercatHo April 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I volunteer to invade Canada, it's been awhile since we had any poutine.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 10:19 pm

We won't do anything about climate change until Florida is underwater…and maybe that's a good thing. ;)

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 20, 2012 at 10:26 pm

No. It won't be a tsunami, and the fifty million inhabitants will move toward the shallow south.

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 12:37 am

Shrinkage!

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:31 am

No, we'll just spend trillions of dollars building dikes, which will be opposed by the anti-gay, non-spelling lobby.

starfanglednut April 21, 2012 at 9:52 am

I had m finger in a dyke just the other day.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 10:19 am

Pics or GTFO!

Guppy April 20, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Wake me up when 60% believe that climate change is caused by human activity.

AtlanticCapers April 20, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Fourteen percent said mercury poisoning was caused by butterflies.

finallyhappy April 21, 2012 at 7:34 am

Now that's just silly- everyone knows sparrows cause that

EloquentScience April 22, 2012 at 5:26 am

Or by Graham Parker.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 20, 2012 at 10:30 pm

When informed that we might have to change the way we live in order to slow global warming, 80% of Americans said, Nah, it's a hoax after all.

anniegetyerfun April 20, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Yes, but one more unusually cold winter, and we'll be back to something like 20% understanding the concept of climate change, and the other 80% shouting, "Global warming, right? How do you explain this 60 feet of snow in Miami, then?! Har!"

trampndirtdown April 20, 2012 at 11:52 pm

The paper said it was going to rain today and it didn't. Global Warming is a HOAX!!!!!!!

JackObin April 20, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Is this the same two-thirds of Americans who cannot find Mexico on a map?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Some studies suggest that half of Americans can't find a woman's clitoris, either.

Other studies say that half is men.

DahBoner April 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

LOL

Barb April 20, 2012 at 10:59 pm

JackObin, I used to live in Delaware and I would have telemarketers call me and see the state abbreviation of "DE" and they would say, "I see you live in DEtroit" and even had one ask, "Delaware, is that the capitol of something?" Duh, first state to be admitted into the union.

Geminisunmars April 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

DEnver libel!!!

Callyson April 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Palm trees growing in Pittsburgh or GTFO.

Radiotherapy April 20, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Or palm trees in Madison.

Biff April 20, 2012 at 11:08 pm

They're already in Wisconsin, according to fox…

fitley April 20, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I think the fact that certain humans are literally turning into walking stools, as seen with Palin, Bachman , Hannity, O'Reilly, and Beck, is what's causing global warming.

Radiotherapy April 20, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Fox is a kind of a fossil fuel.

trampndirtdown April 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Megyn is Granpaw hardon fuel.

lulzmonger April 21, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Unnatural gas?

valthemus April 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm

"… two thirds of Americans believe that global warming exists. In 2009, just over half shared this view. Sustained deadly catastrophe was all it took! "

Well, duh!

"So who’s kind of afraid now of what it will take to get a similar percentage of Americans to believe in evolution?"

Well… I am NOW! Gee, thanks for the anxiety, Wonkette!

johnnyzhivago April 20, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Sounds like the best way for the US to reduce it's carbon footprint is to start burning conservative Republicans!

WiscDad April 20, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Dear deniers,
Remember that 'phase' you kept talking about? Well…guess what

BZ1 April 20, 2012 at 10:57 pm

so that's what it takes, hitting people over the head with dad's tractor being thrown about by the latest hurritornadotsunsami?

Redgyal April 20, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Didn't Public Enemy have a song about this back in the 90's?

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 11:11 pm

BTW, I'm waiting for a poll that shows that Americans understand that climate change means a whole myriad of things including that some areas will actually get colder, others wetter, others warmer, yet others still drier…so long as they are sticky a wet finger outside their window to decide whether they agree that climate change is happening, these poll results could quite actually change by the day.

Barb April 20, 2012 at 11:22 pm

OT:
Andrew Breitbart Died Of Heart Failure, Coroner Rules.

Those who blame Obama will call this Obama's fail.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

You know who else dies of heart failure at the age of 43?

That's right…cokeheads.
~

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 1:00 am

Obvsly, Barb, Obamacare Fail Bigtime!

ElPinche April 21, 2012 at 1:46 am

Hmmmm, where's the death certificate? I think we should send in our pimps.

glamourdammerung April 21, 2012 at 2:25 am

The extra month or so waiting for those toxicology reports seems a bit odd if he was supposedly clean.

Wile E. Quixote April 21, 2012 at 4:27 am

It's a cover-up. I heard that the autopsy actually revealed that Breitbart's stomach contained cocaine, methamphetamine, Four Loko, bile and semen from at least two dozen men.

glamourdammerung April 21, 2012 at 11:59 am

I am not going to go full conspiracytard here, but I would not be surprised if there was some prescription drug abuse issues involved. Though I will freely admit that maybe it is optimism on my part to assume anyone that acts like they are possibly rabid is either on drugs or has some severe mental health issues.

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

That would still be consistent with the tox report finding no illicit drugs.

Would also still be consistent with heart failure being the most proximate cause of death.

Alternatively, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and atherosclerosis can both be caused by high blood pressure, and certain illicit drugs do raise blood pressure, including some that are not detectable after only a few days after last use…

MissNancyPriss April 21, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I am going full conspirarcytard. they totally covered up the drugs in his "system".

Toomush_Infer April 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

That's where Cheney's heart came from!!!!…the wonder is over….

Rotundo_ April 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

I don't think it right to single out one organ for Andy's demise; perhaps it would be better to just consider his death due to "Failure" instead.

ElPinche April 20, 2012 at 11:35 pm

This is my exact mentality on the topic. We deserve everything coming to us.

BTWBFDIMHO April 20, 2012 at 11:55 pm

All warming is local.

DahBoner April 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

Think global, Warm local…

Maman April 20, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Sorry Wonketteers, I have been obsessed with junior prom today and the weather was a bitch. Girlies in evening gowns and 40 degrees, wind and rain don't make for a fun prom night: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1015084787

trampndirtdown April 21, 2012 at 12:21 am

Great looking group Maman, hope they have a fun time.

Man0nTheStreet April 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

Hope they won't fall for N0bama's satanic pro-contraception schemes!

Jukesgrrl April 21, 2012 at 12:32 am

Three cheers for the color-coordinated shoelaces and necktie. I trust the climate change won't interfere with their fun.

But prom on 4/20? Awesome, duuude!

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 12:58 am

Even with the goofy shoes, what a fine looking group of kids.

finallyhappy April 21, 2012 at 7:38 am

The girls look so grown up and the boys- still look like boys. Such a fine looking group – congrats maman on reaching another marker in the life of your child.

DemmeFatale April 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

Best kept prom secret.
GAY BEST FRIEND AS A PROM DATE!!!!
No sexy-time, this guy didn't happen to drink, and looked like a dream in his tux!
(All the moms wanted him. Competition was fierce.)
Did I mention no sexy-time?

Maman April 21, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Oh I've done that version of prom myself…

DemmeFatale April 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm

So did I!
We're pioneers!

BTWBFDIMHO April 20, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Kirsten, your first sentence contains 107 words. Keep trying, girl.

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 12:57 am

FAULKNER LIBEL!

IndianaKevin April 21, 2012 at 9:47 am

Perhaps there's method to her oxygen deprivation: http://endritualabuse.org/about/mind-control-simp… (Reminder: Just because you're a conspiracy theorist doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.)

Chichikovovich April 21, 2012 at 11:10 am

Kirsten's extended sentences are often extremely effective – as they are here, in fact – in producing a compelling comic effect that would be lost by carving content into a string of punchy Hemingway powerpoint bullets dissipating the cognitive tension that waxes as the sentence proceeds, squandering an impact improvable only if Kirsten's language of composition released coiled potential with verbs located at the end of sentences, such as German, spoken by such prose masters as Göthe, as well as Dürer, who could not rightly be said to be a prose master but who rendered some magnificent woodcuts and etchings inspired by Martin Schongauer and the Housebook Master.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

Suck it, Henry James.

imissopus April 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Leave KBJ alooooooooooooooooooooone!

owhatever April 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I like long sentences. My last one was only four months, on probation.

Negropolis April 22, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Anal-retentive, much?

trampndirtdown April 21, 2012 at 12:05 am

According to the local rag's "Climatologist" it's all because of "sunspots".
No shit this dufus has space every week. http://www.spokesmanreview.com/tools/story_pf.asp

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:42 am

Gee, is it possible that we were heading to an ice age, but the increased carbon dioxide counteracted it? And that when things reverse, we are going to be completely screwed?

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:07 am

In other news under the NHS very few Britons have to travel as far as two miles to find a GP. Damn soshulism failing to provide services! Oh, wait…

e_z April 21, 2012 at 7:07 am

When I registered with the NHS (online, quick and easy) I got a choice of 7 GPs in my area (SW5 Kensington and Chelsea) that were taking new patients. I read the reviews and the one closest won. A less than 5 minute walk…and you know what? I never had to wait more than 5 minutes.

The Health care is yet another of the things I miss since our return from London.

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I'm a Brit expat… my GP's office used to literally be on the corner of my block when I lived in Bath.

littlebigdaddy April 21, 2012 at 12:20 am

It's the fact that Jeebus has decided to rapture so many of the Oklatexakansans by sending down massive tornados, which has led to a demographic shift. The true-believing trailer-park dwelling real murcans just aren't as plentiful. Thank you, Oklahoma Jeebus!

Jukesgrrl April 21, 2012 at 12:27 am

They were against it before they were for it. This whole nation is becoming Mittastic.

subsum April 21, 2012 at 12:29 am

USA!, USA!, USA! …

Judith_Priest April 21, 2012 at 1:40 am

And here I thought some RW douche, just the other day, attributed global warming to *immigrants* coming in to the country!

(I'm serious. I saw this. Can't find it now, but it happened.)

Radiotherapy April 21, 2012 at 1:57 am

The Wonketz: "All the news you need to know."

ElPinche April 21, 2012 at 1:57 am

Some mean lady in wine aisle was hocking "sparkling sangria." Because I broke my own rule , "NO FUCKING EYE CONTACT," now the bottle is almost empty (as well as part of a rum bottle).

I'm punishing myself by watching this in an endless loop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed…!

"Move over Rebecca Black, there's something meatier" -Some YouTube troll fuck

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:45 am

Oh god. My brain exploded after three seconds.

DerrickWildcat April 21, 2012 at 2:04 am

I remember reading a paper that was in The Journal of Irreproducible Results about 10 years ago that hypothesized that if there was Global Warming and the sea levels started to rise, then there would be more water and therefore more room for more fish. This of course means more food for impoverished nations
So Global warming is a good thing.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 21, 2012 at 4:47 am

More fish means more seabirds, like Fish Eagles and the like.

It's all good.

MissNancyPriss April 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"fish eagles" !!!!!

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

Yes, and artificial reefs from all the buildings. And more food, from the drowned people.

Biff April 21, 2012 at 9:34 am

I especially like how the water only rises in the middle of the oceans, leaving the beaches as bitchin' as always!

ManchuCandidate April 21, 2012 at 2:08 am

Question: Why would an honest corprat citizin like Exxon lie about who makes money off of global climate change (it's the not the scientists who were sounding the warning bells over 20 fucking years ago that Exxon apologists and shills say would get rich)?

Answer: Apparently they have $41 billion* reasons to lie.

*Exxon's 2011 annual profit.

George Spelvin April 21, 2012 at 3:14 am

Gah. The ever-malleable American poll-etartiat. Unusually warm weather == Oh shit, global warming. A heavy snow in wintertime == Global warming is a hoax.

Oh well. We evolved with a strong predisposition to react to very short-term concerns, which is understandable given, you know, predators. There has never been any selection pressure for long-term planning. It's actually kind of remarkable that there are any humans who can think beyond the next fuck.

I'm medium-old (64), so excuse the fatalism, but what's going to happen is warming past the no-stop level. Hundreds of millions of people (visualize everyone you have ever known, times 10,000) will die or become refugees, But relatively few of them will be US residents, so who cares? The US folks will be relocated, and maybe even compensated.

The species will cope. I'm less sure about our political context.

finallyhappy April 21, 2012 at 7:39 am

I've been watching old Twilight Zones and Outer Limits- we are doomed here or anywhere else.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:48 am

I'm sure the species will continue. I'm less sanguine about civilization.

GeneralLerong April 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

Relocated, huh?

I keep having this paranoid vision of some nice Chinese family being moved into my forcibly-vacated home, whilst I'm shipped off to a trailer dormitory adjacent to a toxic waste processing plant in Arizona. Where I will work.

Barb April 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

Hey George! Congrats on making a post that didn't get censored. : )

Fukui-sanYesOta April 21, 2012 at 4:29 am

A) it's in the ToryGraph

B) The GP is sick of this fucking woman

The woman is constantly hassling the GP for medicine which gets auto-renewed, by the sound of it. GP doesn't need that shit.

Mrs Mulcahy, a grandmother, believes the decision was made because she complained about a doctor.

She's being a pain in the arse to a GP who deals with many many patients.

Caveat: I was on the surgeons' course at a major UK hospital. I've seen fucked people and I've see whiners. She's a whiner.

edit: the level of care she's getting is still SHIT FUCKING LOADS BETTER than I get from fucking blue cross blue shield

sullivanst April 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The woman is constantly hassling the GP for medicine which gets auto-renewed, by the sound of it. GP doesn't need that shit.

As in the US where much of the country is suffering from a chronic shortage of family Doctors, case workloads for NHS GPs are enormous and nobody likes the pressure this puts on appointment times. Unlike the US, they don't shove you in an office by yourself for half an hour before a nurse practitioner takes your temp and blood pressure and tells you the Doctor will be there shortly which turns out to mean a PA will be there in another half an hour. The Doctor sees you, and shoves you out the door after I believe it's 12 1/2 minutes they have per patient (including updating charts). But you see an honest to god M.D. and have a pretty firm idea when you'll be out the door, neither of which has matched my experience of American healthcare.

edit: the level of care she's getting is still SHIT FUCKING LOADS BETTER than I get from fucking blue cross blue shield

Also considerably freer (everything but prescriptions are free at the point of delivery). Since she's over 60, even her prescriptions are free. Also entitled to free prescriptions: full time students, the unemployed, those with qualifying medical conditions (e.g. diabetes), pregnant women and new mothers.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 21, 2012 at 4:36 am

Did you use the words "selection pressure"?

I'm terribly sorry, but that means you're ineligible to vote Republican ever again.

You fucking elitist.

CivicHoliday April 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

My panties are going to drop if he breaks out into a conversation about the modern synthesis and neoteny

Chichikovovich April 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

Hey baby – does ontogeny recapitulate phylogeny?

Toomush_Infer April 21, 2012 at 9:17 am

Still: "The weather outside is frightful, but inside (the House of Representatives) it's so delightful…"

PubOption April 21, 2012 at 10:20 am

But manifest destiny gives all Americans, even welfare queens, the right to drive Cadillacs and oversized pick-up trucks. So how can we be causing climate change?

Ducksworthy April 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

You do have to wonder if the rumor that all Mormons are obligated to support Romney on pain of excommunication and eternal soul death (i.e. you never get your own planet) might be a pr problem.

Barb April 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

We should have listened to James Taylor:

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
—————————-
Only Rick Santorum can explain "One Man Dog' though.

Chichikovovich April 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

Rick has that one on his ipod, in constant rotation with Iggy and the Stooges "I Want to be Your Dog".

CrunchyKnee April 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Needz moar tax cuts for the jerbs creators. Check mate science!

DahBoner April 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

Rick Perry's failed raindances

Paleface can't dance.

humanmanc April 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Wavy Gravy & I are all for acid rain.

rickmaci April 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm

The climate warming problem in the US would be substantially improved if the GOTeaP would only turn off their Wingtard Hot Air Machine and stop blowing smoke at the electorate.

owhatever April 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The overwhelming majority of Americans have noticed that April has been much warmer than January. Tennessee, Arizona and South Carolina are still praying for guidance.

rocktonsam April 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"Since I know nothing about climate change/global warming, it doesn't concern me or the war on terror."

-George Bush Jr.

lulzmonger April 21, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Soooo, will Mother Nature respond to this poll with some mellower weather?

Please say yes.

GOOD NEWS: Scientists say the clathrate gun (probably shouldn't click this if you're into not waking up screaming or descending into profound existential horror) scenario is a million-to-one long shot worst case scenario.

BAD NEWS: Actual measurements in the field have dramatically exceeded climatologists' previous "worst case scenario" figures for the past several years.

Now, where DID I put that SPF 9001 tanning butter … ?

ttommyunger April 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

Global warming is not nearly as real as the moneez, my friend.

trampndirtdown April 20, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I'd never hate on you Barb. Wiig is a great writer, and a spotty live performer.

trampndirtdown April 21, 2012 at 12:15 am

The Old Norge. Sign here please. http://www.hulu.com/watch/4112/saturday-night-liv
Sorry about the ad.

Barb April 21, 2012 at 12:38 am

Trampn, I can't believe you found this for me, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed as hard as I did the first time I saw this.

I started the video and my husband, Jeff said, "we are going to see Dan's ass crack" and he had no idea what we were posting about.

I miss those days when SNL was funny and the first time I saw Elvis Costello perform. I am such a HUGE fan of Elvis Costello.

You brought me joy and I thank you for it.

Boojum April 21, 2012 at 8:22 am

Elvis!

My wife evaded security and charged the stage at an Elvis concert, to hand him a rose and scream "I love you" to him. He sang The Sharpest Thorn for her.

montreal_bruin April 21, 2012 at 8:56 am

My sister, with swollen jaw, met him in '94 during an emergency dentist's office visit (one of his entourage was wounded); his autograph says "Take care of that root, Yvonne — Elvis."

Bezoar April 21, 2012 at 9:31 am

My favorite newspaper was the "Juneau What?"

Barb April 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oopsie, blocked from seeing them.

Lynne April 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

Jeff doesn't publish that anymore on April Fool's Day, but he has a bigger, better satire now…Real Alaskan Magazine. You can write to Jeff Brown, 214 Dixon Street, Juneau 99801 to get one. Costs $10. He puts it out every year…same time as the Juneau What used to come out…like it only better.

bagofmice April 21, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I'm shocked, shocked that a jew in nazi germany would try to "stay alive".

Fare la Volpe April 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Of course there are Nazi Jews, and they all work at the National Review.

imissopus April 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Shows what you know! It was Nazi-occupied Hungary. It's not like the Nazis occupied the entire…wait…

glamourdammerung April 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

The biggest thing that seems fishy is that they spent much longer doing these tests, which makes no sense to me if they did not find anything. It seems a lot more likely that they did find something, then had to test that to see what it was (like prescription drugs that he may or may not have had any valid business having).

HistoriCat April 22, 2012 at 4:25 pm

That's odd – I can see them. Maybe you have to be logged into Facebook to view? Some great shots there!

not that Dewey April 23, 2012 at 8:12 am

Damn linky done got screwed up. Here it is
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apatosaurus

Brontosauri now roam the surface of the Planet Pluto.

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