daddy's little princess

The Life And Loves Of Susan G. Komen’s Newest Bosom Buddy, Gulnara Karimova

Run Bill, run!In case you were worried that we were a bit harsh with our love letter to Susan G. Komen Foundation’s newest bosom buddy and budding dictatoresse Gulnara Karimov — the ‘most hated woman in Uzbekistan’! — we decided to dig more deeply for horror comedy gold double-check our work and find out if our girl was just an innocent flower child, creator of fine clothing, weaver of shimmery cloth by completely voluntary and highly paid cherubic slave children or (after the children die) tiny mice and bird conscripts, fabricatrice of gossimer Eurotrash fashions for all the ugly sisters in the world to wear…

…or if she’s just a blood-sucking Gorgon. We will report; you will decide!

As in all fairy tales, our little Uzi girl got married at 19 to an Afghan-American named Mansur Maqsudi and settled in as a simple New Jersey hausfrau. She squeaked out two babies in between building several McMansions and going to Hahvahd. Then one day she just decided she didn’t like her husband anymore (could have been him accusing her of running a prostitution ring but we weren’t there so we don’t know), so she called a meeting in her Hall of Mirrors living room, along with the palace guards. Husband was not very cooperative, so the guards put him in a headlock long enough for her to write him a note telling him to watch the film “War of the Roses” (a cheerful movie where the divorcing couple both die in the end), grab the two kids and run back to Tashkent and daddy.

Then she asked for $5.5M in a Swiss account, half the Jersey house, and the whole house in Tashkent. No prob.

Mr. Jilted said Fuck NO to that and then spent bubonic amounts of money in US courts trying to get his kids back, but to no avail. As for Gulnara, she had several bad hair days so she decided she didn’t have to show up for any of the US divorce court hearings and was just astonished at American Barbarity: “It was all such a mess. … After a while, I just decided not to react. … I didn’t ignore the court, but physically I wasn’t capable of going. For a civilised (sic) country and a civilized (sic sic) court, I found it very strange that they did not take this into account.”

When she didn’t show up with the kidlets, her husband promptly called Interpol and put a bounty on her head.

Lucky for her, George Bush and her daddy (a not very nice man) made sure she had diplomatic immunity, and for backup, she happened to be a client of GlobalOptions, a CIA/FBI-style private investigation company that partnered with… Interpol. And just in case that didn’t call off the dogs, former US Senator Dennis DeConcini was on the GlobalOptions board of directors and also happened to be the chairman of the board at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, along with our favorite fondler of Congressional pages, Congressman Tom Mark Foley. (Apologies to Tom Foley, who is in no way Mark Foley — that we know of.) So, good luck to hubby getting that organization to help him get his abducted kids back.

The Interpol thing must have really pissed her off, so Gulnara spun her head in circles until Maqsudi’s relatives had some overnight interrogation sessions and daddy’s government terrorized Maqsudi’s employees at his Coca Cola factory (“Nick Evangelopolous, the plant’s general manager at the time, was held for 24 hours by the police and later said he had fled the country in fear of his life.”) and when she got bored with that, daddy just executed a hostile takeover. Last but not least, and presumably impatient to get to her pedicure, she had 24 of his relatives dumped in the middle of the night on the Uzbek-Afghan border and put two others under a prison for a long, long time.

It’s unclear where the kids are today but Guldara is making pretty clothes.

But now she’s single! Who should she date? Well, according to hot Uzbek gossip zine, Uzbekistanerk (erk?), there has been quite a man parade but all of them pissed her off and so she ruined them: billionaire metals trader Iskander Makhmudov lost access to the Uzbek metal market and his relatives were “persecuted in a spirit of Stalin.” Actor Farrukh Saipov found out he’d Never Work In This Town Again! Famous Uzbek boxer Ruslan Chagayev had the gall to turn her down (wife and kids were kind of a problem), so he had to flee with his family to Germany and stay there forever.

But the next guy, Rustam Madumarov, he is, evidently, The One (well, on and off). Tech-school grad and mechanic in a garment factory before he met Gulnara, Rustam suddenly became a hipster music mogul and learned from his rich girlfriend how to not pay his bills. After all, her company, Zeromax, defaulted on half a billion dollars in loans that daddy’s government gave her (and who needs to pay that back?). Rustam did make the mistake of “quarreling” with her and for that, Gorgon arrested Rustam’s brother and closed down said brother’s DVD shop. Chicken shit Rustam ran away to Moscow to hide and be a drug addict (but probably a fashionable one). She ordered him back and he refused. So she decided she better mean it this time. His recording studio, restaurants and boutiques were closed by the tax man and both of his brothers spent a few more weeks in ‘detention.’ A broken man, Rustam returned, his only solace the Uzbek proverb «А sword does not cut а bending head». Karimova forgave him and started scheduling the international Eurotrash wedding of the century at the French health resort Courchebel.

With her musical pretty boy safely tucked under her steel-spiked Louboutins (a gift from Dictator’s wife Asma Assad, probably), and flush with $850 million a year in ‘transportation’ contracts from the Pentagon, Gulnara just announced she’s working on a new album with more really bad poppy/disco/blech songs but this time, they will be based on her own life experiences. “Waterboard My Love”?

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines
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    1. Terry

      More like a Republican candidate for Vice President, from a certain snowy state.

      The Snowbilly would view this woman as a role model.

  1. actor212

    Famous Uzbek boxer Ruslan Chagayev had the gall to turn her down (wife and kids were kind of a problem)

    Wow, really? A boxer with better morals than a politician? What is this world coming to?

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Enlightening to see how sexual aggression, power maneuvering and pulling the rug from under businesses attached to perceived adversaries is not confined to Falls Church, VA alone~

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Nice set of cruel shoes — or as Ms. Karimova calls them, "something more comfortable."

    1. Negropolis

      Only outside of her home country, and then it have to be somewhere in the interior of the United States where her goons would never follow me to. So, that kind of narrows it down to the downtown Fargo Radisson in the middle of winter.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    The only thing that will fix this is to lower her taxes and ease her uncertainty, only then can she stop beating and imprisoning all her boyfriends' families.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      At the current rate of negative half a billion dollars, it seems to me that her taxes are already pretty damned low.

  5. weejee

    our favorite fondler of Congressional pages, Congressman Tom Foley

    Think you mean Mark Foley not former Speaker Tom. But hey, yer source was Canadian and they can't be expected to keep track of every US Congressional Tom whose dick is harried.

  6. Fare la Volpe

    Correction, dear Wonkette:

    Tom Foley was the Democratic Speaker of the House for many years and Clinton's ambassador to Japan.

    Mark Foley was the kiddie-diddling Republican (D-FL).

      1. Fare la Volpe

        No problem. The link you got it from is wrong, but what would else you expect from those smelly Canadians?

        1. lisawines

          And how could I have forgotten his name? Well, maybe because there are so many of those pervy guys now… Vitter, bleh bleh, phle phle… :-)

  7. BlueStateLibel

    $850 million in Pentagon contracts, a new album, and a stay-at-home Mom! That's how it's done, ladies.

    1. Negropolis

      It only sounds terrible if anyone truly believes that being physically attractive is some kind of virtue.

      1. Ruhe

        -The "it all" that sounds terrible is the mountain of shit this harpy has created.
        -For some reason the stench of said shit does not cling to her.
        -She's pretty.

  8. gout

    I am guessing she was kind of chubby and nerdy and got picked on a lot in school. Of course dad is a dictator so…

  9. prommie

    Isn't that one of the Olsen twins? I'd hit it, but I wouldn't tell her where my family lives.

  10. LiveToServeYa

    She needs to buy a white Siamese cat to pet as she condemns her ex-s to various gulags. Gulnara Groznaya.

  11. spareme

    Wait – can she run? Think of the all the sponsors she'll bring in! And, she prolly looks good in pink, also. On the other hand… ugh.

  12. mrbubb

    Jesus, I can't summon any snark for this. What a horrible woman. The "stans" sound really nice and corruption free.

  13. OldWhiteLies

    Is it just me, or does what she's wearing in that pic look more like a negligee masquerading as a dress? Where’s the slumber party?

    And check out that sly squint Mr. 2Prezezzago has got going there – his right eye seems to be a travellin. You just know he’s got BOOOBEEEEZ running over and over in a loop through his oversexed melon head.

  14. Guppy

    I'm betting the kids are in a Swiss boarding school with some of the more notable members of the Kim family.

  15. Numbat_Dundee

    "A wad of cash
    Some Eurotrash
    And her conniving in the wilderness."

    Samarkand has certainly gone downhill since Omar Khaiyam's time. Their national hero, of course is Tamerane, so I wonder when she'll start leaving the pyramids of skulls behind ?

  16. Antispandex

    In that photo, her body language totally says, "um, Mr. President, are you sure in the American photos your hand is supposed to be there?"

    1. lisawines

      Unless of course she hops on the train in Geneva and comes to pay me a visit. ruh-roh. Her sister, named LOLA (L.O.L.A. Lola) lives in Paris so I might be dead soon.

  17. whosusinmyname

    I am so glad that I am an old and will not have to listen to this shit much longer. We leave you global warming and you are welcome to it.

  18. drawingporno

    Yeech! I guess any former donors to Komen should think about ponying up once again (and doubling the amount) to make sure their relatives remain "healthy" and "findable". This lady doesn't like to take "No" for an answer.

  19. Negropolis

    The Interpol thing must have really pissed her off, so Gulnara spun her head in circles until Maqsudi’s relatives had some overnight interrogation sessions and daddy’s government terrorized Maqsudi’s employees at his Coca Cola factory

    Okay, this is really fucked up.

    Gulnara hunts the most dangerous game.

    1. Negropolis

      I believe she is right on the threshold of 40, so she still has a few months shelf-life left.

  20. sewollef

    Hmm… I see women like her on the N- and Q-Trains every commuting day [to Manhattan, from hipster-ville Brooklyn] – I reckon they all live in Brighton Beach, (or is it Brighton Blech?) They mostly dress like cheap Russian hookers, with lots of gold and far, far too much make up, even though they work as an paralegal or a nurse.

    And, and, I think they are all named Gulnara… or could be Olga, my Russian's a little rusty. Weird, eh?

  21. comrad_darkness

    I love it when George Bush of the international cabal of fucking everyone over forever shows up in these things.

  22. comrad_darkness

    Palin and Bachmann take note. This is what a strong woman looks like. (Not that we want to vote for her either…)

  23. CindynEncinitas

    Mr. Bill is standing there like "I gotta go, like, right now before Hill's Spidey Senses go off!"

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