DADDY'S LITTLE PRINCESS  4:20 pm April 19, 2012

The Life And Loves Of Susan G. Komen’s Newest Bosom Buddy, Gulnara Karimova

by Lisa Wines

Run Bill, run!In case you were worried that we were a bit harsh with our love letter to Susan G. Komen Foundation’s newest bosom buddy and budding dictatoresse Gulnara Karimov — the ‘most hated woman in Uzbekistan’! — we decided to dig more deeply for horror comedy gold double-check our work and find out if our girl was just an innocent flower child, creator of fine clothing, weaver of shimmery cloth by completely voluntary and highly paid cherubic slave children or (after the children die) tiny mice and bird conscripts, fabricatrice of gossimer Eurotrash fashions for all the ugly sisters in the world to wear…

…or if she’s just a blood-sucking Gorgon. We will report; you will decide!

As in all fairy tales, our little Uzi girl got married at 19 to an Afghan-American named Mansur Maqsudi and settled in as a simple New Jersey hausfrau. She squeaked out two babies in between building several McMansions and going to Hahvahd. Then one day she just decided she didn’t like her husband anymore (could have been him accusing her of running a prostitution ring but we weren’t there so we don’t know), so she called a meeting in her Hall of Mirrors living room, along with the palace guards. Husband was not very cooperative, so the guards put him in a headlock long enough for her to write him a note telling him to watch the film “War of the Roses” (a cheerful movie where the divorcing couple both die in the end), grab the two kids and run back to Tashkent and daddy.

Then she asked for $5.5M in a Swiss account, half the Jersey house, and the whole house in Tashkent. No prob.

Mr. Jilted said Fuck NO to that and then spent bubonic amounts of money in US courts trying to get his kids back, but to no avail. As for Gulnara, she had several bad hair days so she decided she didn’t have to show up for any of the US divorce court hearings and was just astonished at American Barbarity: “It was all such a mess. … After a while, I just decided not to react. … I didn’t ignore the court, but physically I wasn’t capable of going. For a civilised (sic) country and a civilized (sic sic) court, I found it very strange that they did not take this into account.”

When she didn’t show up with the kidlets, her husband promptly called Interpol and put a bounty on her head.

Lucky for her, George Bush and her daddy (a not very nice man) made sure she had diplomatic immunity, and for backup, she happened to be a client of GlobalOptions, a CIA/FBI-style private investigation company that partnered with… Interpol. And just in case that didn’t call off the dogs, former US Senator Dennis DeConcini was on the GlobalOptions board of directors and also happened to be the chairman of the board at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, along with our favorite fondler of Congressional pages, Congressman Tom Mark Foley. (Apologies to Tom Foley, who is in no way Mark Foley — that we know of.) So, good luck to hubby getting that organization to help him get his abducted kids back.

The Interpol thing must have really pissed her off, so Gulnara spun her head in circles until Maqsudi’s relatives had some overnight interrogation sessions and daddy’s government terrorized Maqsudi’s employees at his Coca Cola factory (“Nick Evangelopolous, the plant’s general manager at the time, was held for 24 hours by the police and later said he had fled the country in fear of his life.”) and when she got bored with that, daddy just executed a hostile takeover. Last but not least, and presumably impatient to get to her pedicure, she had 24 of his relatives dumped in the middle of the night on the Uzbek-Afghan border and put two others under a prison for a long, long time.

It’s unclear where the kids are today but Guldara is making pretty clothes.

But now she’s single! Who should she date? Well, according to hot Uzbek gossip zine, Uzbekistanerk (erk?), there has been quite a man parade but all of them pissed her off and so she ruined them: billionaire metals trader Iskander Makhmudov lost access to the Uzbek metal market and his relatives were “persecuted in a spirit of Stalin.” Actor Farrukh Saipov found out he’d Never Work In This Town Again! Famous Uzbek boxer Ruslan Chagayev had the gall to turn her down (wife and kids were kind of a problem), so he had to flee with his family to Germany and stay there forever.

But the next guy, Rustam Madumarov, he is, evidently, The One (well, on and off). Tech-school grad and mechanic in a garment factory before he met Gulnara, Rustam suddenly became a hipster music mogul and learned from his rich girlfriend how to not pay his bills. After all, her company, Zeromax, defaulted on half a billion dollars in loans that daddy’s government gave her (and who needs to pay that back?). Rustam did make the mistake of “quarreling” with her and for that, Gorgon arrested Rustam’s brother and closed down said brother’s DVD shop. Chicken shit Rustam ran away to Moscow to hide and be a drug addict (but probably a fashionable one). She ordered him back and he refused. So she decided she better mean it this time. His recording studio, restaurants and boutiques were closed by the tax man and both of his brothers spent a few more weeks in ‘detention.’ A broken man, Rustam returned, his only solace the Uzbek proverb «А sword does not cut а bending head». Karimova forgave him and started scheduling the international Eurotrash wedding of the century at the French health resort Courchebel.

With her musical pretty boy safely tucked under her steel-spiked Louboutins (a gift from Dictator’s wife Asma Assad, probably), and flush with $850 million a year in ‘transportation’ contracts from the Pentagon, Gulnara just announced she’s working on a new album with more really bad poppy/disco/blech songs but this time, they will be based on her own life experiences. “Waterboard My Love”?

 
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{ 116 comments }

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm

She sounds like a Republican candidate for President

Terry April 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm

More like a Republican candidate for Vice President, from a certain snowy state.

The Snowbilly would view this woman as a role model.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:06 am

More like a child of a Republican candidate for president.

imissopus April 20, 2012 at 12:22 am

ROMNEY/KARIMOV 2012!

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Famous Uzbek boxer Ruslan Chagayev had the gall to turn her down (wife and kids were kind of a problem)

Wow, really? A boxer with better morals than a politician? What is this world coming to?

nounverb911 April 19, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Her ex should have called in the Sopranos to mediate the divorce.

Radiotherapy April 19, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Who knew? She likes Cubans!

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

MONICA LEWINSKI LIBEL!

Jukesgrrl April 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Those lips … that hair … the charming accent. I'll bet Bubba was Gor-gone.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

And if he was smart, before sexaytime he was Or-gone…

Guppy April 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

And, if you'll notice, the see-through dress.

sewollef April 20, 2012 at 8:43 am

Crapola! Your eyesight is better than mine… that blah dress is see-through? Wow.

Radiotherapy April 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Jeesh, she really takes the fun out of fundraising.

Mumbletypeg April 19, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Enlightening to see how sexual aggression, power maneuvering and pulling the rug from under businesses attached to perceived adversaries is not confined to Falls Church, VA alone~

SayItWithWookies April 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Nice set of cruel shoes — or as Ms. Karimova calls them, "something more comfortable."

Callyson April 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Bill Clinton's reaction: Christ, this woman is too trashy even for me…

Radiotherapy April 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

And so starts the Wonkette Quarterly "Fuck the Crazy? Yea or Nay?" discussion.

Barb April 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Nay!

Radiotherapy April 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Have not and cannot.

hagajim April 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Yea – but under an assumed name!

Geminisunmars April 20, 2012 at 1:21 am

Better be under an assumed country, too.

flamingpdog April 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I spent 19 years doing that. NEVAH AGAIN!!

HempDogbane April 19, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Hah ! Only 15 for me. (Bursts into tears.)

An_Outhouse April 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Yay!
(The crazy, not the Clinton)

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:13 am

Only outside of her home country, and then it have to be somewhere in the interior of the United States where her goons would never follow me to. So, that kind of narrows it down to the downtown Fargo Radisson in the middle of winter.

Geminisunmars April 20, 2012 at 1:22 am

Better have your snowshoes ready, just in case.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 7:30 am

Don't worry; I'm from Michigan. Surviving in winter is kind of our thing, too. lol

Barb April 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

What about how her dad got her a role on that show Uzbekistan 90201?

BornInATrailer April 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The Peach Pit is an actual pit in their version.

spareme April 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Barb, after she does Dancing With The Stars

Barb April 19, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Spareme, that just sweetens the pot. Yay!

FakaktaSouth April 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

The only thing that will fix this is to lower her taxes and ease her uncertainty, only then can she stop beating and imprisoning all her boyfriends' families.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

At the current rate of negative half a billion dollars, it seems to me that her taxes are already pretty damned low.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Taxes?! Hahahahaha!! Only the families of the people under the jail pay taxes!!

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:18 am

ROTFLMAO!

weejee April 19, 2012 at 4:36 pm

our favorite fondler of Congressional pages, Congressman Tom Foley

Think you mean Mark Foley not former Speaker Tom. But hey, yer source was Canadian and they can't be expected to keep track of every US Congressional Tom whose dick is harried.

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Oh shit! Thank you. :-)

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Hell hath no fury like a spoiled brat daughter of a Uzibekistan Dicktater.

Fare la Volpe April 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Correction, dear Wonkette:

Tom Foley was the Democratic Speaker of the House for many years and Clinton's ambassador to Japan.

Mark Foley was the kiddie-diddling Republican (D-FL).

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Thanks! We're fixing now.

Fare la Volpe April 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

No problem. The link you got it from is wrong, but what would else you expect from those smelly Canadians?

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

And how could I have forgotten his name? Well, maybe because there are so many of those pervy guys now… Vitter, bleh bleh, phle phle… :-)

flamingpdog April 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Are you saying that Canadians put the "poo" in poutine?

smokefilledroommate April 20, 2012 at 4:20 am

For some reason I was thinking Tom Foley = "van down by the river".

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Karimova is Russian for Palin.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Palin wishes she had those kinds of Vengeance Enforcement Resources.

BlueStateLibel April 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

$850 million in Pentagon contracts, a new album, and a stay-at-home Mom! That's how it's done, ladies.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 19, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Somehow, I'm still not seeing the dignity thing.

flamingpdog April 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Ann Rmoney haz the jealousy.

Biff April 19, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Apparently, she has made all the correct choices in life.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Still, I'd hit that.

(…and he was never heard from again.)

Karma_Suture April 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

You'd better hit hard enough to keep it down or you're toast.

sharethegrief April 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I bet she ate her young.

Ruhe April 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I know it all sounds terrible but she really is pretty so there you go.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:25 am

It only sounds terrible if anyone truly believes that being physically attractive is some kind of virtue.

Ruhe April 20, 2012 at 6:10 am

Parsing:
-The "it all" that sounds terrible is the mountain of shit this harpy has created.
-For some reason the stench of said shit does not cling to her.
-She's pretty.
-QED.

gout April 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I am guessing she was kind of chubby and nerdy and got picked on a lot in school. Of course dad is a dictator so…

Buzz Feedback April 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Too many werdz.

Blueb4sunrise April 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

If the great Uzbek novel hasn't been written yet, this is a good start.

NYNYNYjr April 20, 2012 at 2:04 am

Uh, it kind of got written….'Four Yerds and a Mule'? Ever hear of it?

Extemporanus April 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Mighty fine, Wines.

lisawines April 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Merci. :-)

Extemporanus April 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm

De rien. -/;-}!>

flamingpdog April 20, 2012 at 12:13 am

De rriere. :-)

Wait, something's not right there.

edgydrifter April 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

She may not yet be History's Greatest Monster, but that's a hell of a start.

prommie April 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Isn't that one of the Olsen twins? I'd hit it, but I wouldn't tell her where my family lives.

LiveToServeYa April 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

She needs to buy a white Siamese cat to pet as she condemns her ex-s to various gulags. Gulnara Groznaya.

Sharkey April 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

She's like Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS!

spareme April 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Wait – can she run? Think of the all the sponsors she'll bring in! And, she prolly looks good in pink, also. On the other hand… ugh.

Slim_Pickins April 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Sounds like a very determined young lady.

mrbubb April 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Jesus, I can't summon any snark for this. What a horrible woman. The "stans" sound really nice and corruption free.

OldWhiteLies April 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Is it just me, or does what she's wearing in that pic look more like a negligee masquerading as a dress? Where’s the slumber party?

And check out that sly squint Mr. 2Prezezzago has got going there – his right eye seems to be a travellin. You just know he’s got BOOOBEEEEZ running over and over in a loop through his oversexed melon head.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:29 am

Where’s the slumber party?

Why, Bill & Hillz place in Chappaqua. Where else would it be?

Guppy April 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'm betting the kids are in a Swiss boarding school with some of the more notable members of the Kim family.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:29 am

Looked on her Wiki page. She lives in Switzerland. Surprise, right? lol

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

We have the story for the sequel to "The Devil's Double":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abuXKo5cUDc

"The Devil's Daughter"!

flamingpdog April 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Radiotherapy April 19, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Me too, but I was thinking more Devil's Rejects.

littlebigdaddy April 19, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Two guesses as to where Bill's right hand is.

Generation[redacted] April 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm

With a history like that, you know the sex has to be wild.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 12:37 am

It always is with black widows and praying mantises.

Guppy April 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Susan G. Komen for the Cash

Smitros April 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Also: Clinton+Bosom=Pageviews

Numbat_Dundee April 19, 2012 at 6:03 pm

"A wad of cash
Some Eurotrash
And her conniving in the wilderness."

Samarkand has certainly gone downhill since Omar Khaiyam's time. Their national hero, of course is Tamerane, so I wonder when she'll start leaving the pyramids of skulls behind ?

fuflans April 19, 2012 at 6:08 pm

well. i feel like an underachiever.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm

It's never too late to torture an ex-lover's family!

mrblifil April 19, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I think Mitt has found his Veep. And if not Mitt, maybe Barack?

emmelemm April 19, 2012 at 6:20 pm

«А sword does not cut а bending head»

Words to live by.

comrad_darkness April 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

Literally.

Antispandex April 19, 2012 at 6:24 pm

In that photo, her body language totally says, "um, Mr. President, are you sure in the American photos your hand is supposed to be there?"

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Ms. Wines, I think you've found your Muse!

lisawines April 20, 2012 at 2:24 am

Unless of course she hops on the train in Geneva and comes to pay me a visit. ruh-roh. Her sister, named LOLA (L.O.L.A. Lola) lives in Paris so I might be dead soon.

whosusinmyname April 19, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I am so glad that I am an old and will not have to listen to this shit much longer. We leave you global warming and you are welcome to it.

valthemus April 19, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Didn't she also try to kill Harry Potter and take over the wizarding world?

Throw some water on her. I'll bet she melts.

DemmeFatale April 19, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Wow!
She's tall!

mmeetoilenoir April 19, 2012 at 10:14 pm

You can't put that much cray-cray in a pint-sized package.

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Michele Bachmann libel!

drawingporno April 19, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Yeech! I guess any former donors to Komen should think about ponying up once again (and doubling the amount) to make sure their relatives remain "healthy" and "findable". This lady doesn't like to take "No" for an answer.

Come here a minute April 19, 2012 at 10:03 pm

What? Nobody's called her an Uzbekistank yet? Uzbekiskank?

Geminisunmars April 20, 2012 at 1:30 am

Cain is trying to say it.

smokefilledroommate April 20, 2012 at 2:51 am

Or a Tashkunt? Heh. Heh.

He1senberg April 19, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Amazon bitch I tell ya. Another strike against her. Of course she's all smiles and getting her picture taken with slick willy. Roll tide.
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http://www.politicalprofanity.com

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Wait, wasn't Gulnara one of King Lear's daughters?

Geminisunmars April 20, 2012 at 1:32 am

I think that was Gonorrhea.

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I think one of them was named Ronald Reagan, too.

Negropolis April 19, 2012 at 11:31 pm

The Interpol thing must have really pissed her off, so Gulnara spun her head in circles until Maqsudi’s relatives had some overnight interrogation sessions and daddy’s government terrorized Maqsudi’s employees at his Coca Cola factory

Okay, this is really fucked up.

Gulnara hunts the most dangerous game.

OKthennext April 20, 2012 at 12:24 am

I can not fap to any of that.

smokefilledroommate April 20, 2012 at 2:40 am

She's too old for Trump, right?

Negropolis April 20, 2012 at 7:32 am

I believe she is right on the threshold of 40, so she still has a few months shelf-life left.

smokefilledroommate April 20, 2012 at 4:21 am

Can't we just call her by her very apt anagram, "Anal Rug"?

ttommyunger April 20, 2012 at 8:28 am

Shared thought bubble: "Jeez, this motherfucker's creepy."

sewollef April 20, 2012 at 8:40 am

Hmm… I see women like her on the N- and Q-Trains every commuting day [to Manhattan, from hipster-ville Brooklyn] – I reckon they all live in Brighton Beach, (or is it Brighton Blech?) They mostly dress like cheap Russian hookers, with lots of gold and far, far too much make up, even though they work as an paralegal or a nurse.

And, and, I think they are all named Gulnara… or could be Olga, my Russian's a little rusty. Weird, eh?

comrad_darkness April 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

I love it when George Bush of the international cabal of fucking everyone over forever shows up in these things.

comrad_darkness April 20, 2012 at 10:34 am

Palin and Bachmann take note. This is what a strong woman looks like. (Not that we want to vote for her either…)

CindynEncinitas April 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Mr. Bill is standing there like "I gotta go, like, right now before Hill's Spidey Senses go off!"

animal_warrior April 20, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Wow – this is one scary lady!

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