rock me sexy jesus

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

s&m jesusHey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks:

Jon Meacham, the author of the Dolan entry, writes that Cardinal Dolan is

‘a warm prelate who leads his flock more by charm than fiat.’

So what’s your problem exactly, Kathryn Jean?

But here’s my problem with the word fiat as it was used in the Time piece: The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender. Christ’s self-sacrificial love which we believe we are called to enter into. It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth. Of a humble carpentar, who offers a model of living as a man of wisdom and virtue. Of the Son of God, who showed us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives, offering us everything. Of each and every one of us, every moment of the day, we pray.

That is so funny, we do not remember anything from Catholic school, with our Commie nuns, about the Blessed Virgin ruling with an iron hand, or issuing (dictionary.com, yo!) arbitrary decrees or pronouncements, especially by a person or group of persons having absolute authority to enforce it. Nor does “showing us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives” NECESSARILY entail “forcing us to do so under pain of pain” — just, you know, most of the time.

But we didn’t belong to the branch of the Church where you scourge yourself with cats-o-nine-tails, either. Nope, it was all ‘Jesus is love,’ and ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ and ‘blessed are the poor,’ and other silly hippie nonsense. The only time we remember Jesus getting his S&M freak on was when he whipped the moneychangers out of the temple, probably for not being Capitalist enough.

Also, force (or “fiat”) is sort of the opposite of free will, which the Church tells us we have, at least since Rick Santorum got booted from the Spanish Inquisition. [Patheos]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barb

    I gave myself to Jesus and now he never calls. (puts arms up in air) Dude was hung like THIS!

    • freakishlywrong

      Hell yawns before you. I suggest yawning back.

      • Barb

        That took ballz for me to post. We are about to have a thunderstorm here.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I'll put in a good word for ya.

          Now show us your tits.

          • Barb

            Nope, can't show tits. 144 hours until vacation and that's when they come out.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Gee….be a damned shame if 143 hours from now, a twister came streaming through….*examining nails*

          • Barb

            Yeah, that happens so much in the desert.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          Watch out for ballz lightning.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Why did Jesus die on the cross?

      Because He forgot His safe word.

  • nounverb911

    Why did He ungag her?

  • metamarcisf

    Fix it again, Tony.

    • WhatTheHeck

      The Catholic church is like a fiat automobile. Things don’t work. Things fall off. But people still get in and attempt to drive as the rust creeps all around them.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The first time I heard the term Papal Fiat, I thought "Gee, you'd think a guy with that kinda scratch would drive a Rolls."

  • freakishlywrong

    Note to zealot conservatives; I believe the expression is "walk the walk".

  • FNMA

    I owned a couple of Fiats back in the day. Shitty cars. Always broke down.

    • OkieDokieDog

      I fell in love with a sexy Fiat back in the 80's. I wanted him so much, but all the men I worked with were so jealous and said NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! so I broke up with him.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I dunno.

      I'd buy one.

      • Biff

        Yeah, I'd hit that. Those commercials make me wish I'd have chosen the Italian Rosetta Stone instead of Spanish.

        • joobajooba

          Did a Spanish supermodel come with the Rosetta Stone, or is that just the Italian course?
          http://brandmediaweek.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834519b

          • Biff

            Damn. I wuz robbed. All I got was El Pinche. And the last time I ran my anti-malware program, it wiped Rosetta Stone out, said it was a trojan horse. Still got all the discs, fortunately.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Oh no. If you're going to make that reference, you gotta post the whole thing.
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siWVgAzhFC8

        brb.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          The actresses name is Catrinel Mengia.

          And to answer your next question: Yes, there are. And plenty of them.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Isn't Chrysler controlled by fiat?

    • Biff

      They are now. When my Mighty Dodge® was built (in Messico), they were controlled by the Nazis Daimler-Benz.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Why does Chrysler Corp hate America?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Does K-Load know that Ted Nugent wrote a piece of this issue? Maybe she'll shut up and tang her wango or whatever the kids call it these days

  • Goonemeritus

    Like sex, Roman Catholic beliefs sound strange when explained out of context, yet I think we can all agree both benefit from the use of elaborate costumes.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    It’s about Yes

    Jon Anderson suddenly realizes why his band never really stood a chance.

  • WiscDad

    I understand they offered her Mickey Dolenz but she said no

  • Failed_2_Menace

    Because Fiat and Surrender are synonymous, just like Rapist and Rape Victim are one and the very same.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Fix It Again, Theology.

  • Beetagger

    Jesus was a power bottom. Lopez is a twat.

  • barto

    Ha, the "free will" thing, see K-Lo believes in her religion like a flag believes in the wind.

  • SorosBot

    "It’s about Yes"

    It's also Apparently all about the Random capitalization of some Words for no particular Reason.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      No, that's actually a thing; an accepted norm among Catholics (and probably other Xtians?) The say 'Yes' to Jesus thing, surrender your will etc etc. It's the Big Yes.

      Standard doctrinaire stuff the clergy from the lower orders on up will hope conflate with saying 'yes' to whatever they want you to do. I mean, hey, you're in a church, churches gotta have leaders, so I'm your leader.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Catholic Girls, and their tiny little mustaches. Bet K-Lo has a sexyback, too, like Scalia.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That's not hair. It's mildew.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        That is just so awful of you! At least you didn't make some crack about Mold Remediation.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Well, I mean, it gets all sweaty there….

  • mavenmaven

    Actually, Jesus drove a citroen, not a fiat. Because cooler. He rode around on a Vespa during His college days.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I dunno. I've seen Citroen's fall apart on a bumpy rode. I imagine Jesus drives something a little more substantial, like a Hummer

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      When Jesus rode the Vespa did he wave and say "Ciao!" to all he encountered or just the Christians?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Dolan could never get his fat ass into a Fiat.

  • http://lovematters-manabouttown.blogspot.com/ UnionAgitator

    She's probably thinking of Charlie Sheen's sexy new Fiat commercial.

    My favorite part is the blinking ankle monitor when he gets out of the car.

    Catholics are FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!

    Charlie Sheen's new Fiat ad – at Vulture

    • Tommmcattt

      Whenever I look at Charlie Sheen nowadays, I think to myself "Is this really what the best in plastic surgery will get you?"

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    These are also the same folks who freak out over the weirdness inherent in "Islam" meaning "submission to God."

  • under_score

    "carpentar"? K-Lo's version of Word only spell checks Latin, most likely.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Jesus' safe word for K-Lo is STFU!

  • EtchySketchy

    Back in a minute, all this S&M talk gave me a warm prelate.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I think the real message here is: send God more money.

  • prommie

    The Cat'lic church attracts the authoritarian types, it seems.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Of a humble carpentar

    Wait.

    Seriously?

    And she wonders why she didn't get the gig?????

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Hasn't He suffered enough?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    She must be thinking of the Toni Bentley book The Surrender:
    "I am sitting on the threshold. Perhaps this is the final paradox of God's paradoxical machinations: my ass is my very own back door to heaven.

    • Tommmcattt

      I've known several fine young men who held that very idea.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    You know who else it's claimed had led more "by charm than by fiat" — resulting in some confused adherents conflating it all with an obligation to "surrender"?

    • ChernobylSoup

      David Koresh?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Cheap Trick?

    • RedneckMuslin

      OJ and Chris Brown?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Bill Clinton?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Vlad Tepes?

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Osama bin Ladin?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Jim Jones?

  • SorosBot

    It’s about Yes; and if K-Lo doesn't stop being such a dowdy, no-fun sourpuss and scold, she will continue to always be the Owner of a Lonely Heart.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      See what you do there, I do.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      She's already a roundabout (300lbs.)

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        Yes, she does sit in AND around the lake.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Hahaha

          • doloras

            This whole thread is getting a little close to the edge.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Oh shit, you beat me to it. Yours is no disgrace!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey K-Lo — maybe they didn't pick you to write a piece on Mr. Dolan (yeah, fuck calling anyone father or cardinal or fuckin' the pope) because — per the example — they figured the end result was gonna be somehow all about you. Because — you know — your writing is that of a self-centered underdeveloped adolescent.

  • Ducksworthy

    If you're getting wet and/or a hard on praying to Jesus, you may be doing it wrong.

    • commiegirl

      Tell it to the little flower

  • thebeatgoeson

    K – Lo @ large can't even spell carpenter. Also, why is that "at large" descriptor following her around (editor-at-large of the National Review Online) – isn't it in poor taste to make fun of her physical appearance?!

  • AlterNewt

    What the Hell? Is this National Sad Hoohah Day?

  • Me_K_Cong

    What. Not one comment about "carpentar"?

    Carp and Tar: What Kathryn Lopez should be coated with prior to being run out of town on a rail.

    • Gainsbourg69

      I figured it was a fish enthusiast's roofing company.

    • Allmighty_Manos

      I assumed spelling carpenter with an a was some kind of pre-Vatican II thing.

  • JustPixelz

    "…forcing us to do so under pain of pain…"

    I'd take her seriously if I saw a Christian (or any other pious individual) truly sacrifice for their faith. If Obama somehow passed a law to "go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor", they'd scream "socialism" and crucify him.

    • prommie

      If Jesus himself came back and told them to go sell what they have and give to the poor, they'd crucify Him. Again.

      • doloras

        Like most of the people who claim to be "Marxists" are the same arrogant born-to-rule scumbags that Marx was preaching revolution against, most people claiming to be Christians are the kind of people who nailed him up in the first place.

  • prommie

    "Its about the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth?" This word, "fiat," I think it does not mean what she thinks it means. In what way, in what possible way, does the word "fiat" bear any application to the story of the virgin birth, or the story of the crucifixion? What in the holy fuck is this dumbass fatso talking about? She uses the word 'fiat" the way teatards use the word "liberties."

    • Gainsbourg69

      Auditing the fed?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I haz a confused. I thought that Jesus, Mary and Joseph were special because of what they CHOSE to do and not because of what they were forced to do. Victims are made by force, grace comes by choice.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Choose, force, tomato, tomato

  • Blueb4sunrise

    CRUCIFY HIM!!!!!!!!!!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Kathryn is begging for a touch of the wood and nails herself, I think.

      Just what God needs: One more victim.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Give us Barabbas!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    This is why pretty much all our conventional religions will be dead, or changed so as to be unrecognizable in a hundred years or so.

    People don't put up with SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD forever.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    Is this the single most incoherent sentence she has ever written?

    • prommie

      It may the single most incoherent sentence ever written by anyone. A roomful of monkeys with typewriters would come up with better than this in the first hour.

    • freakishlywrong

      About. Yes.

    • edgydrifter

      I think she means Mary was deflowered in the back of a Fiat. She must have been quite the contortionist.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Is this the single most incoherent sentence she has ever written?

      There are so many from which to choose. Sorta like KLo's own loaves-n-fishes type miracle.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Glad to see the Catholic Church's plan to drive out every one born btw 1961 and 1990 out of the church for good – outside those with really weird sexual hang ups – is nearing fruition.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    I think KJL is close to the edge. This is her roundabout way of saying she's the owner of a lonely heart. Perhaps some conservative lost love has given her the long distance runaround? She seems almost at the gates of delirium!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      That took some research, didn't it?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Into my iTunes library. I've still got all the Yes I can stand.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Wake, man!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      K-Lo needs to hold on. Someone needs to say to her "yours is no disgrace, it can happen, love will find a way" but that in order for it to do so that she needs to make some changes (like losing 150 pounds, finding a new stylist, getting a real job and spending less time with conservative douchebags, etc).

    • doloras

      I think K-Lo is a little bit Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe, if you know what I mean.

      (… am I doing this right?)

  • prommie

    And Jesus Christ, noone can possibly read the gospels and not see that Jesus was amazingly arrogant! Humble? Oh, man, she is just so fucking dumb, just fucking stupid.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Reminds me of the boot-licker in Catholic school who always felt that she should be the one who claps the erasers and lead the prayers and run little errands for Sister because she was SO MUCH MORE devout than the rest of us little heathens.

    She is right though, about it being a dopey question.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "But I REALLY AM holier than thou, you fuckers!"

  • thefrontpage

    The National Journal announced today, April 19, that the magazine's newest columnist is Ted Nugent, who will be writting his twice-monthly column, "In the Loopiness," starting next week. Also, Nugent's new album, "God, Guns and Abortion," is being released on Tueday, April 24, on Nugent Records. The lead single, and title track, as they say, "God, Guns and Abortion," was released nationwide last week. And Nugent announced yesterday, April 18, that he has joined the Board of Directors of the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

  • SaintRond

    I've said it before and I'll say it again – Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I shall place my THRONE… Ugh, ugh, ugh…"

    Now if that isn't a case of the Bible signing off on gay sex, I don't know what is. SO THERE!!!

    That cunt.

  • ttommyunger

    Sorry, mention of K-Lo always bring to mind J-Lo, gotta go….fap, fap, fap…..

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      For your entertainment, here is J-Lo giving some Spainish rapper a boner at the American Music Awards:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UajTdys6Uf4

      • ttommyunger

        One of the few women that just keep getting hotter….

  • Slim_Pickins

    In her defense, fiat is a four-letter word, and K-Lo doesn't know any four-letter words because that is sinful.

  • IncenseDebate

    1969 – God is Love
    2012 – God's love hurts so good

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Hey, this is a Yes thread, no going OT with John Cougar Mellencamp.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    So she's been reading Fifty Shades of Grey?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No, she's been reading John Derbyshire's new book, Fifty Shades of White.

  • widestanceromance

    He maketh her To lie down In a green Pasture, for the Cow was hungry As hell.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    National Review is that "publication" that keeps having all the embarrassing "revelations" about how their staff is a bunch of white supremacists, right?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    We'd all be a lot better off if that young virgin in Nazareth had kept an aspirin between her knees.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "Yes when I put the rose in my hair like Mary Magdelene and wear a plaid skirt like a Catholic schoolgirl Yes and imagine Jesus kissing me in the Garden of Gethsemane and I think well, as well Him as Buddha, and then I ask Him with my eyes to ask again Yes and then He asks me would I let him rule by fiat Yes and I draw Him down to me so He can feel my breasts all Secret strong enough for a man but made for a woman Yes and my pyschosis was going like mad and Yes I said Yes I will Yes!"

    • Respitetini

      This was awesome. There isn't enough KayJay fanfiction out there.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        KayJay also reads D.H. Lawrence on her Kindle under the covers at night, so God can't see.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Will there be an awesome scene where she's the meat in a Jonah Goldberg/Rich Lowry sandwich?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Yes. They use this piece of writing to confirm young seminarians in their celibacy.

          • Wile E. Quixote

            If they want them to be celibate then why are they named after semen?

    • swordfis

      I missed this. Clearly, the modern Republican Party is full of Joyce scholars.

  • SpiderCrab

    Kathryn Jean Lopez. Not your father's walrus.

  • Naked_Bunny

    The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender.

    They crucified Cardinal Dolan? Talk about burying the lede!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    Methinks someone needs to buy new batteries for her Big Generator.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      And Howe!

      • Wile E. Quixote

        FTMFW!

  • swordfis

    1. Suggestion (n.b., to be taken with a grain of salt because I'm a Jew): why don't Catholic Americans start their own Catholic Church? Christianity hasn't had a schism for some time, now, and there seems to be an unbridgeable distance between US Catholics and the Vatican.

    2. re: "Yes" K-Lo is Molly Bloom!!!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      See me, 4 minutes before you!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Your suggestion is reasonable, however, there's probably a 50/50 split between conservative and 'liberal' Catholics in the US. A less messy solution would be for the 'liberal' ones to to just admit that they are really Episcopalians at heart.

  • Trinket

    Why does she think they'd ask a WOMAN to write the story?

  • IncenseDebate

    God is a concept by which we measure our pain

  • Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    That's an even more fucked up bit of conservative psycho-sexual imagery than Rich Lowry's starburst confession. Way to shoot high, aim low, K-Lo.*

    *I'm going to run the Yes thing into the ground so hard that it leaves a smoking crater. I will then fap into that crater, fap to the rhythm of love that is.

  • Reeseman

    Lopez is confusing the English word 'fiat,' as used by Meacham and defined in the comments above, with the Latin word 'fiat' as in 'fiat voluntas tua,' meaning "thy will be done." This makes her the first person in the history of the world to confuse these two words. Seriously.

  • proudgrampa

    What? I don't understand Catholics. It's like they got their own version of everything.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      They really don't. They stole all of their stuff from the Lutherans and Anglicans.

  • lulzmonger

    JHVH = BDSM!

    Yeah, that "eternal redemption via persecuting, torturing & killing a hippie" thing?
    As fetishes go, that's just plain full-on Sick Fuck STONE COLD MEGA-KINKY.