ROCK ME SEXY JESUS  11:30 am April 19, 2012

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

s&m jesusHey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks:

Jon Meacham, the author of the Dolan entry, writes that Cardinal Dolan is

‘a warm prelate who leads his flock more by charm than fiat.’

So what’s your problem exactly, Kathryn Jean?

But here’s my problem with the word fiat as it was used in the Time piece: The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender. Christ’s self-sacrificial love which we believe we are called to enter into. It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth. Of a humble carpentar, who offers a model of living as a man of wisdom and virtue. Of the Son of God, who showed us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives, offering us everything. Of each and every one of us, every moment of the day, we pray.

That is so funny, we do not remember anything from Catholic school, with our Commie nuns, about the Blessed Virgin ruling with an iron hand, or issuing (dictionary.com, yo!) arbitrary decrees or pronouncements, especially by a person or group of persons having absolute authority to enforce it. Nor does “showing us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives” NECESSARILY entail “forcing us to do so under pain of pain” — just, you know, most of the time.

But we didn’t belong to the branch of the Church where you scourge yourself with cats-o-nine-tails, either. Nope, it was all ‘Jesus is love,’ and ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ and ‘blessed are the poor,’ and other silly hippie nonsense. The only time we remember Jesus getting his S&M freak on was when he whipped the moneychangers out of the temple, probably for not being Capitalist enough.

Also, force (or “fiat”) is sort of the opposite of free will, which the Church tells us we have, at least since Rick Santorum got booted from the Spanish Inquisition. [Patheos]

 
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{ 139 comments }

Barb April 19, 2012 at 11:32 am

I gave myself to Jesus and now he never calls. (puts arms up in air) Dude was hung like THIS!

freakishlywrong April 19, 2012 at 11:37 am

Hell yawns before you. I suggest yawning back.

Barb April 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

That took ballz for me to post. We are about to have a thunderstorm here.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

I'll put in a good word for ya.

Now show us your tits.

Barb April 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

Nope, can't show tits. 144 hours until vacation and that's when they come out.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

Watch out for ballz lightning.

GunToting[Redacted] April 19, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

Because He forgot His safe word.

nounverb911 April 19, 2012 at 11:32 am

Why did He ungag her?

metamarcisf April 19, 2012 at 11:33 am

Fix it again, Tony.

WhatTheHeck April 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

The Catholic church is like a fiat automobile. Things don’t work. Things fall off. But people still get in and attempt to drive as the rust creeps all around them.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 11:57 am

The first time I heard the term Papal Fiat, I thought "Gee, you'd think a guy with that kinda scratch would drive a Rolls."

freakishlywrong April 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

Note to zealot conservatives; I believe the expression is "walk the walk".

FNMA April 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

I owned a couple of Fiats back in the day. Shitty cars. Always broke down.

OkieDokieDog April 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

I fell in love with a sexy Fiat back in the 80's. I wanted him so much, but all the men I worked with were so jealous and said NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! so I broke up with him.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

I dunno.

I'd buy one.

Biff April 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

Yeah, I'd hit that. Those commercials make me wish I'd have chosen the Italian Rosetta Stone instead of Spanish.

joobajooba April 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Did a Spanish supermodel come with the Rosetta Stone, or is that just the Italian course?
http://brandmediaweek.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834519b

Biff April 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Damn. I wuz robbed. All I got was El Pinche. And the last time I ran my anti-malware program, it wiped Rosetta Stone out, said it was a trojan horse. Still got all the discs, fortunately.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

Oh no. If you're going to make that reference, you gotta post the whole thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siWVgAzhFC8

brb.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The actresses name is Catrinel Mengia.

And to answer your next question: Yes, there are. And plenty of them.

ChernobylSoup April 19, 2012 at 11:37 am

Isn't Chrysler controlled by fiat?

Biff April 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

They are now. When my Mighty Dodge® was built (in Messico), they were controlled by the Nazis Daimler-Benz.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Why does Chrysler Corp hate America?

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

Does K-Load know that Ted Nugent wrote a piece of this issue? Maybe she'll shut up and tang her wango or whatever the kids call it these days

Goonemeritus April 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

Like sex, Roman Catholic beliefs sound strange when explained out of context, yet I think we can all agree both benefit from the use of elaborate costumes.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

It’s about Yes

Jon Anderson suddenly realizes why his band never really stood a chance.

WiscDad April 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

I understand they offered her Mickey Dolenz but she said no

Failed_2_Menace April 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

Because Fiat and Surrender are synonymous, just like Rapist and Rape Victim are one and the very same.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

Fix It Again, Theology.

Beetagger April 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

Jesus was a power bottom. Lopez is a twat.

barto April 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

Ha, the "free will" thing, see K-Lo believes in her religion like a flag believes in the wind.

SorosBot April 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

"It’s about Yes"

It's also Apparently all about the Random capitalization of some Words for no particular Reason.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

No, that's actually a thing; an accepted norm among Catholics (and probably other Xtians?) The say 'Yes' to Jesus thing, surrender your will etc etc. It's the Big Yes.

Standard doctrinaire stuff the clergy from the lower orders on up will hope conflate with saying 'yes' to whatever they want you to do. I mean, hey, you're in a church, churches gotta have leaders, so I'm your leader.

EatsBabyDingos April 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

Catholic Girls, and their tiny little mustaches. Bet K-Lo has a sexyback, too, like Scalia.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

That's not hair. It's mildew.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:16 pm

That is just so awful of you! At least you didn't make some crack about Mold Remediation.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Well, I mean, it gets all sweaty there….

mavenmaven April 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

Actually, Jesus drove a citroen, not a fiat. Because cooler. He rode around on a Vespa during His college days.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

I dunno. I've seen Citroen's fall apart on a bumpy rode. I imagine Jesus drives something a little more substantial, like a Hummer

Maman April 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

When Jesus rode the Vespa did he wave and say "Ciao!" to all he encountered or just the Christians?

donner_froh April 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

Dolan could never get his fat ass into a Fiat.

UnionAgitator April 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

She's probably thinking of Charlie Sheen's sexy new Fiat commercial.

My favorite part is the blinking ankle monitor when he gets out of the car.

Catholics are FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!

Charlie Sheen's new Fiat ad – at Vulture

Tommmcattt April 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Whenever I look at Charlie Sheen nowadays, I think to myself "Is this really what the best in plastic surgery will get you?"

Doktor StrangeZoom April 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

These are also the same folks who freak out over the weirdness inherent in "Islam" meaning "submission to God."

under_score April 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

"carpentar"? K-Lo's version of Word only spell checks Latin, most likely.

ProgressiveInga April 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

Jesus' safe word for K-Lo is STFU!

EtchySketchy April 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

Back in a minute, all this S&M talk gave me a warm prelate.

OkieDokieDog April 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

I think the real message here is: send God more money.

prommie April 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

The Cat'lic church attracts the authoritarian types, it seems.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

Of a humble carpentar

Wait.

Seriously?

And she wonders why she didn't get the gig?????

Rosie_Scenario April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

Hasn't He suffered enough?

donner_froh April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

She must be thinking of the Toni Bentley book The Surrender:
"I am sitting on the threshold. Perhaps this is the final paradox of God's paradoxical machinations: my ass is my very own back door to heaven.

Tommmcattt April 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I've known several fine young men who held that very idea.

Mumbletypeg April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

You know who else it's claimed had led more "by charm than by fiat" — resulting in some confused adherents conflating it all with an obligation to "surrender"?

ChernobylSoup April 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

David Koresh?

SayItWithWookies April 19, 2012 at 11:59 am

Cheap Trick?

RedneckMuslin April 19, 2012 at 12:02 pm

OJ and Chris Brown?

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Bill Clinton?

Dudleydidwrong April 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Vlad Tepes?

HobbesEvilTwin April 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Osama bin Ladin?

imissopus April 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Jim Jones?

SorosBot April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

It’s about Yes; and if K-Lo doesn't stop being such a dowdy, no-fun sourpuss and scold, she will continue to always be the Owner of a Lonely Heart.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

See what you do there, I do.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm

She's already a roundabout (300lbs.)

HobbesEvilTwin April 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Yes, she does sit in AND around the lake.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Hahaha

doloras April 20, 2012 at 12:51 am

This whole thread is getting a little close to the edge.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Oh shit, you beat me to it. Yours is no disgrace!

SayItWithWookies April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

Hey K-Lo — maybe they didn't pick you to write a piece on Mr. Dolan (yeah, fuck calling anyone father or cardinal or fuckin' the pope) because — per the example — they figured the end result was gonna be somehow all about you. Because — you know — your writing is that of a self-centered underdeveloped adolescent.

Ducksworthy April 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

If you're getting wet and/or a hard on praying to Jesus, you may be doing it wrong.

commiegirl April 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Tell it to the little flower

thebeatgoeson April 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

K – Lo @ large can't even spell carpenter. Also, why is that "at large" descriptor following her around (editor-at-large of the National Review Online) – isn't it in poor taste to make fun of her physical appearance?!

AlterNewt April 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

What the Hell? Is this National Sad Hoohah Day?

Me_K_Cong April 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

What. Not one comment about "carpentar"?

Carp and Tar: What Kathryn Lopez should be coated with prior to being run out of town on a rail.

Gainsbourg69 April 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I figured it was a fish enthusiast's roofing company.

Allmighty_Manos April 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I assumed spelling carpenter with an a was some kind of pre-Vatican II thing.

JustPixelz April 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

"…forcing us to do so under pain of pain…"

I'd take her seriously if I saw a Christian (or any other pious individual) truly sacrifice for their faith. If Obama somehow passed a law to "go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor", they'd scream "socialism" and crucify him.

prommie April 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm

If Jesus himself came back and told them to go sell what they have and give to the poor, they'd crucify Him. Again.

doloras April 20, 2012 at 12:52 am

Like most of the people who claim to be "Marxists" are the same arrogant born-to-rule scumbags that Marx was preaching revolution against, most people claiming to be Christians are the kind of people who nailed him up in the first place.

prommie April 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Its about the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth?" This word, "fiat," I think it does not mean what she thinks it means. In what way, in what possible way, does the word "fiat" bear any application to the story of the virgin birth, or the story of the crucifixion? What in the holy fuck is this dumbass fatso talking about? She uses the word 'fiat" the way teatards use the word "liberties."

Gainsbourg69 April 19, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Auditing the fed?

Maman April 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

I haz a confused. I thought that Jesus, Mary and Joseph were special because of what they CHOSE to do and not because of what they were forced to do. Victims are made by force, grace comes by choice.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

Choose, force, tomato, tomato

Blueb4sunrise April 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

CRUCIFY HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Doktor StrangeZoom April 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Kathryn is begging for a touch of the wood and nails herself, I think.

Just what God needs: One more victim.

Maman April 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Give us Barabbas!

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

This is why pretty much all our conventional religions will be dead, or changed so as to be unrecognizable in a hundred years or so.

People don't put up with SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD forever.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

"It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

Is this the single most incoherent sentence she has ever written?

prommie April 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

It may the single most incoherent sentence ever written by anyone. A roomful of monkeys with typewriters would come up with better than this in the first hour.

freakishlywrong April 19, 2012 at 11:55 am

About. Yes.

edgydrifter April 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I think she means Mary was deflowered in the back of a Fiat. She must have been quite the contortionist.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Is this the single most incoherent sentence she has ever written?

There are so many from which to choose. Sorta like KLo's own loaves-n-fishes type miracle.

Allmighty_Manos April 19, 2012 at 11:55 am

Glad to see the Catholic Church's plan to drive out every one born btw 1961 and 1990 out of the church for good – outside those with really weird sexual hang ups – is nearing fruition.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 11:57 am

"It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

I think KJL is close to the edge. This is her roundabout way of saying she's the owner of a lonely heart. Perhaps some conservative lost love has given her the long distance runaround? She seems almost at the gates of delirium!

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 12:18 pm

That took some research, didn't it?

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Into my iTunes library. I've still got all the Yes I can stand.

ProgressiveInga April 19, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Wake, man!

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

K-Lo needs to hold on. Someone needs to say to her "yours is no disgrace, it can happen, love will find a way" but that in order for it to do so that she needs to make some changes (like losing 150 pounds, finding a new stylist, getting a real job and spending less time with conservative douchebags, etc).

doloras April 20, 2012 at 12:53 am

I think K-Lo is a little bit Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe, if you know what I mean.

(… am I doing this right?)

prommie April 19, 2012 at 11:57 am

And Jesus Christ, noone can possibly read the gospels and not see that Jesus was amazingly arrogant! Humble? Oh, man, she is just so fucking dumb, just fucking stupid.

DonnyKerabotsos April 19, 2012 at 11:59 am

Reminds me of the boot-licker in Catholic school who always felt that she should be the one who claps the erasers and lead the prayers and run little errands for Sister because she was SO MUCH MORE devout than the rest of us little heathens.

She is right though, about it being a dopey question.

Dudleydidwrong April 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"But I REALLY AM holier than thou, you fuckers!"

thefrontpage April 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

The National Journal announced today, April 19, that the magazine's newest columnist is Ted Nugent, who will be writting his twice-monthly column, "In the Loopiness," starting next week. Also, Nugent's new album, "God, Guns and Abortion," is being released on Tueday, April 24, on Nugent Records. The lead single, and title track, as they say, "God, Guns and Abortion," was released nationwide last week. And Nugent announced yesterday, April 18, that he has joined the Board of Directors of the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

SaintRond April 19, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again – Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I shall place my THRONE… Ugh, ugh, ugh…"

Now if that isn't a case of the Bible signing off on gay sex, I don't know what is. SO THERE!!!

That cunt.

ttommyunger April 19, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Sorry, mention of K-Lo always bring to mind J-Lo, gotta go….fap, fap, fap…..

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

For your entertainment, here is J-Lo giving some Spainish rapper a boner at the American Music Awards:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UajTdys6Uf4

ttommyunger April 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

One of the few women that just keep getting hotter….

Slim_Pickins April 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm

In her defense, fiat is a four-letter word, and K-Lo doesn't know any four-letter words because that is sinful.

IncenseDebate April 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm

1969 – God is Love
2012 – God's love hurts so good

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Hey, this is a Yes thread, no going OT with John Cougar Mellencamp.

Texan_Bulldog April 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So she's been reading Fifty Shades of Grey?

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

No, she's been reading John Derbyshire's new book, Fifty Shades of White.

widestanceromance April 19, 2012 at 12:24 pm

He maketh her To lie down In a green Pasture, for the Cow was hungry As hell.

glamourdammerung April 19, 2012 at 12:25 pm

National Review is that "publication" that keeps having all the embarrassing "revelations" about how their staff is a bunch of white supremacists, right?

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

We'd all be a lot better off if that young virgin in Nazareth had kept an aspirin between her knees.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"Yes when I put the rose in my hair like Mary Magdelene and wear a plaid skirt like a Catholic schoolgirl Yes and imagine Jesus kissing me in the Garden of Gethsemane and I think well, as well Him as Buddha, and then I ask Him with my eyes to ask again Yes and then He asks me would I let him rule by fiat Yes and I draw Him down to me so He can feel my breasts all Secret strong enough for a man but made for a woman Yes and my pyschosis was going like mad and Yes I said Yes I will Yes!"

Respitetini April 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

This was awesome. There isn't enough KayJay fanfiction out there.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

KayJay also reads D.H. Lawrence on her Kindle under the covers at night, so God can't see.

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Will there be an awesome scene where she's the meat in a Jonah Goldberg/Rich Lowry sandwich?

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Yes. They use this piece of writing to confirm young seminarians in their celibacy.

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm

If they want them to be celibate then why are they named after semen?

swordfis April 19, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I missed this. Clearly, the modern Republican Party is full of Joyce scholars.

SpiderCrab April 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Kathryn Jean Lopez. Not your father's walrus.

Naked_Bunny April 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender.

They crucified Cardinal Dolan? Talk about burying the lede!

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

Methinks someone needs to buy new batteries for her Big Generator.

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

And Howe!

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 10:59 pm

FTMFW!

swordfis April 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

1. Suggestion (n.b., to be taken with a grain of salt because I'm a Jew): why don't Catholic Americans start their own Catholic Church? Christianity hasn't had a schism for some time, now, and there seems to be an unbridgeable distance between US Catholics and the Vatican.

2. re: "Yes" K-Lo is Molly Bloom!!!

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

See me, 4 minutes before you!

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Your suggestion is reasonable, however, there's probably a 50/50 split between conservative and 'liberal' Catholics in the US. A less messy solution would be for the 'liberal' ones to to just admit that they are really Episcopalians at heart.

Trinket April 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Why does she think they'd ask a WOMAN to write the story?

IncenseDebate April 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

God is a concept by which we measure our pain

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

That's an even more fucked up bit of conservative psycho-sexual imagery than Rich Lowry's starburst confession. Way to shoot high, aim low, K-Lo.*

*I'm going to run the Yes thing into the ground so hard that it leaves a smoking crater. I will then fap into that crater, fap to the rhythm of love that is.

Reeseman April 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Lopez is confusing the English word 'fiat,' as used by Meacham and defined in the comments above, with the Latin word 'fiat' as in 'fiat voluntas tua,' meaning "thy will be done." This makes her the first person in the history of the world to confuse these two words. Seriously.

proudgrampa April 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm

What? I don't understand Catholics. It's like they got their own version of everything.

Wile E. Quixote April 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm

They really don't. They stole all of their stuff from the Lutherans and Anglicans.

lulzmonger April 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

JHVH = BDSM!

Yeah, that "eternal redemption via persecuting, torturing & killing a hippie" thing?
As fetishes go, that's just plain full-on Sick Fuck STONE COLD MEGA-KINKY.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Gee….be a damned shame if 143 hours from now, a twister came streaming through….*examining nails*

Barb April 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Yeah, that happens so much in the desert.

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