Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

Hey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks:

Jon Meacham, the author of the Dolan entry, writes that Cardinal Dolan is

‘a warm prelate who leads his flock more by charm than fiat.’

So what’s your problem exactly, Kathryn Jean?

But here’s my problem with the word fiat as it was used in the Time piece: The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender. Christ’s self-sacrificial love which we believe we are called to enter into. It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth. Of a humble carpentar, who offers a model of living as a man of wisdom and virtue. Of the Son of God, who showed us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives, offering us everything. Of each and every one of us, every moment of the day, we pray.

That is so funny, we do not remember anything from Catholic school, with our Commie nuns, about the Blessed Virgin ruling with an iron hand, or issuing (dictionary.com, yo!) arbitrary decrees or pronouncements, especially by a person or group of persons having absolute authority to enforce it. Nor does “showing us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives” NECESSARILY entail “forcing us to do so under pain of pain” — just, you know, most of the time.

But we didn’t belong to the branch of the Church where you scourge yourself with cats-o-nine-tails, either. Nope, it was all ‘Jesus is love,’ and ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ and ‘blessed are the poor,’ and other silly hippie nonsense. The only time we remember Jesus getting his S&M freak on was when he whipped the moneychangers out of the temple, probably for not being Capitalist enough.

Also, force (or “fiat”) is sort of the opposite of free will, which the Church tells us we have, at least since Rick Santorum got booted from the Spanish Inquisition. [Patheos]