rock me sexy jesus

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

s&m jesusHey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks:

Jon Meacham, the author of the Dolan entry, writes that Cardinal Dolan is

‘a warm prelate who leads his flock more by charm than fiat.’

So what’s your problem exactly, Kathryn Jean?

But here’s my problem with the word fiat as it was used in the Time piece: The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender. Christ’s self-sacrificial love which we believe we are called to enter into. It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth. Of a humble carpentar, who offers a model of living as a man of wisdom and virtue. Of the Son of God, who showed us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives, offering us everything. Of each and every one of us, every moment of the day, we pray.

That is so funny, we do not remember anything from Catholic school, with our Commie nuns, about the Blessed Virgin ruling with an iron hand, or issuing (, yo!) arbitrary decrees or pronouncements, especially by a person or group of persons having absolute authority to enforce it. Nor does “showing us the Way to live, the purpose of our lives” NECESSARILY entail “forcing us to do so under pain of pain” — just, you know, most of the time.

But we didn’t belong to the branch of the Church where you scourge yourself with cats-o-nine-tails, either. Nope, it was all ‘Jesus is love,’ and ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ and ‘blessed are the poor,’ and other silly hippie nonsense. The only time we remember Jesus getting his S&M freak on was when he whipped the moneychangers out of the temple, probably for not being Capitalist enough.

Also, force (or “fiat”) is sort of the opposite of free will, which the Church tells us we have, at least since Rick Santorum got booted from the Spanish Inquisition. [Patheos]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. WhatTheHeck

      The Catholic church is like a fiat automobile. Things don’t work. Things fall off. But people still get in and attempt to drive as the rust creeps all around them.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      The first time I heard the term Papal Fiat, I thought "Gee, you'd think a guy with that kinda scratch would drive a Rolls."

    1. OkieDokieDog

      I fell in love with a sexy Fiat back in the 80's. I wanted him so much, but all the men I worked with were so jealous and said NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! so I broke up with him.

      1. Biff

        Yeah, I'd hit that. Those commercials make me wish I'd have chosen the Italian Rosetta Stone instead of Spanish.

          1. Biff

            Damn. I wuz robbed. All I got was El Pinche. And the last time I ran my anti-malware program, it wiped Rosetta Stone out, said it was a trojan horse. Still got all the discs, fortunately.

    1. Biff

      They are now. When my Mighty Dodge® was built (in Messico), they were controlled by the Nazis Daimler-Benz.

  1. actor212

    Does K-Load know that Ted Nugent wrote a piece of this issue? Maybe she'll shut up and tang her wango or whatever the kids call it these days

  2. Goonemeritus

    Like sex, Roman Catholic beliefs sound strange when explained out of context, yet I think we can all agree both benefit from the use of elaborate costumes.

  3. Failed_2_Menace

    Because Fiat and Surrender are synonymous, just like Rapist and Rape Victim are one and the very same.

  4. SorosBot

    "It’s about Yes"

    It's also Apparently all about the Random capitalization of some Words for no particular Reason.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No, that's actually a thing; an accepted norm among Catholics (and probably other Xtians?) The say 'Yes' to Jesus thing, surrender your will etc etc. It's the Big Yes.

      Standard doctrinaire stuff the clergy from the lower orders on up will hope conflate with saying 'yes' to whatever they want you to do. I mean, hey, you're in a church, churches gotta have leaders, so I'm your leader.

  5. EatsBabyDingos

    Catholic Girls, and their tiny little mustaches. Bet K-Lo has a sexyback, too, like Scalia.

  6. mavenmaven

    Actually, Jesus drove a citroen, not a fiat. Because cooler. He rode around on a Vespa during His college days.

    1. Tommmcattt

      Whenever I look at Charlie Sheen nowadays, I think to myself "Is this really what the best in plastic surgery will get you?"

  7. Doktor StrangeZoom

    These are also the same folks who freak out over the weirdness inherent in "Islam" meaning "submission to God."

  8. Mumbletypeg

    You know who else it's claimed had led more "by charm than by fiat" — resulting in some confused adherents conflating it all with an obligation to "surrender"?

  9. SorosBot

    It’s about Yes; and if K-Lo doesn't stop being such a dowdy, no-fun sourpuss and scold, she will continue to always be the Owner of a Lonely Heart.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Hey K-Lo — maybe they didn't pick you to write a piece on Mr. Dolan (yeah, fuck calling anyone father or cardinal or fuckin' the pope) because — per the example — they figured the end result was gonna be somehow all about you. Because — you know — your writing is that of a self-centered underdeveloped adolescent.

  11. thebeatgoeson

    K – Lo @ large can't even spell carpenter. Also, why is that "at large" descriptor following her around (editor-at-large of the National Review Online) – isn't it in poor taste to make fun of her physical appearance?!

  12. Me_K_Cong

    What. Not one comment about "carpentar"?

    Carp and Tar: What Kathryn Lopez should be coated with prior to being run out of town on a rail.

  13. JustPixelz

    "…forcing us to do so under pain of pain…"

    I'd take her seriously if I saw a Christian (or any other pious individual) truly sacrifice for their faith. If Obama somehow passed a law to "go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor", they'd scream "socialism" and crucify him.

    1. prommie

      If Jesus himself came back and told them to go sell what they have and give to the poor, they'd crucify Him. Again.

      1. doloras

        Like most of the people who claim to be "Marxists" are the same arrogant born-to-rule scumbags that Marx was preaching revolution against, most people claiming to be Christians are the kind of people who nailed him up in the first place.

  14. prommie

    "Its about the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth?" This word, "fiat," I think it does not mean what she thinks it means. In what way, in what possible way, does the word "fiat" bear any application to the story of the virgin birth, or the story of the crucifixion? What in the holy fuck is this dumbass fatso talking about? She uses the word 'fiat" the way teatards use the word "liberties."

  15. Maman

    I haz a confused. I thought that Jesus, Mary and Joseph were special because of what they CHOSE to do and not because of what they were forced to do. Victims are made by force, grace comes by choice.

  16. Lascauxcaveman

    This is why pretty much all our conventional religions will be dead, or changed so as to be unrecognizable in a hundred years or so.

    People don't put up with SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD forever.

    1. prommie

      It may the single most incoherent sentence ever written by anyone. A roomful of monkeys with typewriters would come up with better than this in the first hour.

    2. edgydrifter

      I think she means Mary was deflowered in the back of a Fiat. She must have been quite the contortionist.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      Is this the single most incoherent sentence she has ever written?

      There are so many from which to choose. Sorta like KLo's own loaves-n-fishes type miracle.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    Glad to see the Catholic Church's plan to drive out every one born btw 1961 and 1990 out of the church for good – outside those with really weird sexual hang ups – is nearing fruition.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    I think KJL is close to the edge. This is her roundabout way of saying she's the owner of a lonely heart. Perhaps some conservative lost love has given her the long distance runaround? She seems almost at the gates of delirium!

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      K-Lo needs to hold on. Someone needs to say to her "yours is no disgrace, it can happen, love will find a way" but that in order for it to do so that she needs to make some changes (like losing 150 pounds, finding a new stylist, getting a real job and spending less time with conservative douchebags, etc).

    2. doloras

      I think K-Lo is a little bit Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe, if you know what I mean.

      (… am I doing this right?)

  19. prommie

    And Jesus Christ, noone can possibly read the gospels and not see that Jesus was amazingly arrogant! Humble? Oh, man, she is just so fucking dumb, just fucking stupid.

  20. DonnyKerabotsos

    Reminds me of the boot-licker in Catholic school who always felt that she should be the one who claps the erasers and lead the prayers and run little errands for Sister because she was SO MUCH MORE devout than the rest of us little heathens.

    She is right though, about it being a dopey question.

  21. thefrontpage

    The National Journal announced today, April 19, that the magazine's newest columnist is Ted Nugent, who will be writting his twice-monthly column, "In the Loopiness," starting next week. Also, Nugent's new album, "God, Guns and Abortion," is being released on Tueday, April 24, on Nugent Records. The lead single, and title track, as they say, "God, Guns and Abortion," was released nationwide last week. And Nugent announced yesterday, April 18, that he has joined the Board of Directors of the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

  22. SaintRond

    I've said it before and I'll say it again – Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I shall place my THRONE… Ugh, ugh, ugh…"

    Now if that isn't a case of the Bible signing off on gay sex, I don't know what is. SO THERE!!!

    That cunt.

  23. Slim_Pickins

    In her defense, fiat is a four-letter word, and K-Lo doesn't know any four-letter words because that is sinful.

  24. Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    We'd all be a lot better off if that young virgin in Nazareth had kept an aspirin between her knees.

  25. Chet Kincaid

    "Yes when I put the rose in my hair like Mary Magdelene and wear a plaid skirt like a Catholic schoolgirl Yes and imagine Jesus kissing me in the Garden of Gethsemane and I think well, as well Him as Buddha, and then I ask Him with my eyes to ask again Yes and then He asks me would I let him rule by fiat Yes and I draw Him down to me so He can feel my breasts all Secret strong enough for a man but made for a woman Yes and my pyschosis was going like mad and Yes I said Yes I will Yes!"

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Will there be an awesome scene where she's the meat in a Jonah Goldberg/Rich Lowry sandwich?

  26. Naked_Bunny

    The man is all about fiat. It’s at the heart of what we believe. That cross is about surrender.

    They crucified Cardinal Dolan? Talk about burying the lede!

  27. Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    Methinks someone needs to buy new batteries for her Big Generator.

  28. swordfis

    1. Suggestion (n.b., to be taken with a grain of salt because I'm a Jew): why don't Catholic Americans start their own Catholic Church? Christianity hasn't had a schism for some time, now, and there seems to be an unbridgeable distance between US Catholics and the Vatican.

    2. re: "Yes" K-Lo is Molly Bloom!!!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Your suggestion is reasonable, however, there's probably a 50/50 split between conservative and 'liberal' Catholics in the US. A less messy solution would be for the 'liberal' ones to to just admit that they are really Episcopalians at heart.

  29. Wile E. Quixote

    "It’s about Yes — the fiat of a young virgin in Nazareth."

    That's an even more fucked up bit of conservative psycho-sexual imagery than Rich Lowry's starburst confession. Way to shoot high, aim low, K-Lo.*

    *I'm going to run the Yes thing into the ground so hard that it leaves a smoking crater. I will then fap into that crater, fap to the rhythm of love that is.

  30. Reeseman

    Lopez is confusing the English word 'fiat,' as used by Meacham and defined in the comments above, with the Latin word 'fiat' as in 'fiat voluntas tua,' meaning "thy will be done." This makes her the first person in the history of the world to confuse these two words. Seriously.

  31. proudgrampa

    What? I don't understand Catholics. It's like they got their own version of everything.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      They really don't. They stole all of their stuff from the Lutherans and Anglicans.

  32. lulzmonger

    JHVH = BDSM!

    Yeah, that "eternal redemption via persecuting, torturing & killing a hippie" thing?
    As fetishes go, that's just plain full-on Sick Fuck STONE COLD MEGA-KINKY.

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