you tell 'em

Pope Yells at Nuns For Acting Too Much Like Jesus, Not Enough Like Pope

Nothing but top-notch poping from your Nazi Pope.

Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger is so proud of his image as the CEO of a lucrative club for child rapists who runs around modeling Prada shoes and phallic hats that he is going to celebrate, by scolding some nuns for failing to be enough like the Pope. He ordered one of his henchmen to sneak up on a group of American nuns visiting the Vatican this week and give them a letter informing them generally of their neglect for their fundamental Catholic duty to worry feverishly about other people’s genitalia while also ridiculing them specifically for their work advocating for social justice and tending to the poor and sick. Think we’re exaggerating even the tiniest bit? Take bets now! (Just kidding. Don’t, because that would be foolish.)

From the New York Times:

The Vatican’s assessment, issued on Wednesday, said that members of the group, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, had challenged church teaching on homosexuality and the male-only priesthood, and promoted “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith.”

Word of the Vatican’s action took the group completely by surprise, Sister Sanders said. She said that the group’s leaders were in Rome on Wednesday for what they thought was a routine annual visit to the Vatican when they were informed of the outcome of the investigation, which began in 2008.

“I’m stunned,” said Sister Simone Campbell, executive director of Network, a Catholic social justice lobby founded by sisters. Her group was also cited in the Vatican document, along with the Leadership Conference, for focusing its work too much on poverty and economic injustice, while keeping “silent” on abortion and same-sex marriage.

Ha ha, the Pope is just Rick Santorum in a moldy toad costume. [NYTimes; thanks to Wonkette operative “Sinpelo”]

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    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      [snarkoff] The people responsible for this run the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which used to be called the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition. As in THE Inquisition. These are the folks who've been badgering American nuns since 2008 with the intent to smack them back into the Renaissance. Even if we'd had a different pope, they'd still be fucking Nazis. [snarkon]

  1. Douché

    They were then strip searched and given vaginal ultrasounds. That'll learn them uppity bitches for worrying about the poors.

  2. larryfinexx

    Maybe one of the nun's husbands will stick up for her and give the pope a lesson he won't forget.

  3. actor212

    Clearly, the omniscient God that Jesus is realized 2000 years ago that it was pointless to talk about abortion or same-sex marriage, since his acolytes would obsess about it for him.

    Way to go, Son of God!

  4. SorosBot

    I do want to thank Pope Ratzi for doing his best to make sure the Catholic Church becomes nothing more than an irrelevant anachronism as quickly as possible.

    1. actor212

      Right? Somewhere in heaven, JPII is going "Dayum¹! Why didn't I think of that?"

      (¹ cuz he can't say "Damn," or the Lord might take him up on the offer…)

    2. MrFizzy

      He's a scary-looking fucker too. I can imagine him in an SS uniform beating on some Jews for not digging their own graves fast enough.

      1. glamourdammerung

        He's a scary-looking fucker too. I can imagine him in an SS uniform beating on some Jews for not digging their own graves fast enough.

        Funny, he is still wearing the dress when I picture that scenario.

      2. widestanceromance

        He always looks so happy to have moved out from under the bridge where he lived, and no longer needs to hunt his own breakfast children.

      3. tessiee

        Seriously, he is one evil-looking SOB. His smile in that picture is like, "Ha ha, I told them those were showers!".

        Too soon?

  5. mmeetoilenoir

    Ok, so…let me get this straight. Because these nuns are courageous, stand by their beliefs, accept everyone as equal, and help the sick and poor, they're bad people? Errr, I feel like I've walked into Opposite Land.

    This is a whole bunch of nunsense.

    1. actor212

      No no! You misunderstand: rather than follow the teachings of their Church, the nuns are listening to some bearded sandaled hippie freak named HAYSOOZ!

      1. mmeetoilenoir

        Honey, we then went down the rabbit hole and got to China at this point! The sad thing is, those Conservative fools will absolutely LOVE that these women were put in their "rightful" place. I can't, I just can't.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Unlikely; they don't have a weener over which to hang an "Out of Order" sign. Nuns have those other thingies that are evil and doomed mankind to sin, etc.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Shorter Ratzie: Get thee to a nunnery, you heathen penguins. And when you get there, STFU and remember your rightful place.

  7. Trannysurprise

    HAHA! Welcome to the Vatican GITMO sisters! You're lucky you weren't "renditioned" to Syria first. The Vatican Youth doesn't play your shit of equality, helping the poor, etc. whatever.

  8. JackDempsey1

    After 8th grade, the nuns and I went our separate ways.
    We only occasionally cross paths.
    They do show up in my dreams more frequently than I would prefer. (Who knew they were such great tap dancers?)

  9. RedneckMuslin

    "Her group was also cited in the Vatican document, along with the Leadership Conference, for focusing its work too much on poverty and economic injustice". The Pope is worse than a Nazi, he is a Republican!

    1. SorosBot

      That's not the Catholics though, that's just The Catholic League. Which is Bill Donahue, by himself.

      1. Barb

        Yeah, thanks for the correction there, Soros. Jeff was trying to get a kiss goodbye from me and I wasn't paying attention. I wish he'd come back home. I am tired of his grueling 40 hour schedule.

      2. An_Outhouse

        His bank account must be getting low. Its time for some faux outrage to troll for donations.

    2. Shellwith2Ls

      I so proud that Bill Donohue personally protested the Catholic grade school that I went to in Delaware for being all liberal and heathen. Bastard!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Apparently the problem for these nuns is that they are. Like just about everyone else affiliated with the church that actually does any good with poor and oppressed communities.

      1. SorosBot

        Hey, the priests are doing a lot of work in Africa to make sure that HIV-infected people never use condoms.

        1. widestanceromance

          What would be the point of using a condom when boinking a virgin to rid one's self of HIV?

  10. Dashboard Buddha

    Thank god they're not flying nuns. Ratzy might be a bit rusty, but I bet he can still swing a 8.8 cm Flak with aplomb.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Jesus….the New Testament guy, not the mows your lawn guy. The mows your lawn guy is probably a "good Catholic."

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        "Jesus Christ!" is both the answer to and the most appropriate ejaculation in response to this story.

  11. Pragmatist2

    These nuns need to start wearing crimson red shoes, like the Pope.
    Maybe with a bit of a spiked heel.
    Is sling-back too much?

    1. tessiee

      Disagree with my fashion sense if you will, but I think red shoes with a black dress is an awesome combination.

        1. tessiee

          I'd go with a sheer taupe for daytime or a sheer gunmetal gray for evening. I don't care for black hose with a black dress unless you're actually going to a funeral.

  12. Dr. Nick Riviera

    The pope is officially so cartoony evil you could hit him with an acme hammer and he'd just come up accordion shaped.

  13. Lucidamente1

    And now for a word from Daniel Berrigan, S.J.:

    "The hardest task for believing men who are dedicated to their world is not the task of justifying themselves before the world. It is the task of justifying themselves before the Church."

  14. Texan_Bulldog

    C'mon, don't you remember the sermon on the mount where Jesus rails against abortion & homosexuals. He probably smote a couple women (aka whores) and a few feminine looking dudes while he was at it.

    1. Dr. Nick Riviera

      I know right? How many times can the jack in the box pop out before you start expecting it. My mom's friend worked for our local Diocese for 30+ years. They cut her job and ESCORTED her off premises recently after she was diagnosed with diabetes. They said health insurance was too expensive. The next week they introduced new larger, in color bulletins.

  15. Dr. Nick Riviera

    As someone who spent far too much of my time in Catholic school, I can personally attest to the fact that I found nuns to be about 85% less full of crap than priests. They seemed to be more concerned with actual people and their real problems like no food and other such luxuries.

  16. Mumbletypeg

    Some Auden for ya, Ratzi-Asshole:

    "O look, look in the mirror,
    O look in your distress;
    Life remains a blessing
    Although you cannot bless.

    O stand, stand at the window
    As the tears scald and start;
    You shall love your crooked neighbor
    With your crooked heart."

  17. glamourdammerung

    And once again, I am unhappy that we are not having this "war on the Chuch" that was one of the more recent manufactured "controversies".

    Though I would settle for some "taxing the PACs" since they keep insisting on functioning as such. Or even some "prosecution of the Church" for that whole child rape issue would be nice.

  18. Dr. Nick Riviera

    And at the Vatican too. Nothing makes you feel like a chump like walking around a gold and marble palace while people walk around, hat in hand and ask you for donations.

  19. prommie

    Why does the US press pay any attention at all to the fucking Pope? To look at my local paper today, which had 2 huge "Pope says this, Pope says that" stories, we are Pope-obsessed. He is so irrelevant to everyone except his employees. American Catholics have been happily ignoring him for years, not just the liberals, but the conservatives, too, who ignore the teachings on war, the death penalty, and social justice just as blithely as the liberals ignore the teachings on premarital sex, birth control, and divorce.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      And any institution that has so diligently practiced harming the innocent and taking the money of the well-meaning and done so little good really does deserve to be shut down and memorialized in the hopes we don't do anything quite so stupid again.

  20. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Catholics of the world, there is no god. Think about that for a few moments.


    "Ten minutes of logical conclusion can save you 10% of your income by switching to NULL."

  21. BerkeleyBear

    Pope Ratzi – trying his best to go back before Vatican II. He'd be a natural fit in the GOP here.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    I don't like criticizing other people's religions, but I having flashbacks from all the anti-Catholic stuff I learned from growing up in a Pentecostal church.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      They taught us the same in Seventh Day Adventist church (which, for my money, is one of the more reasonable Protestant sects)! Well, it was mostly my grandmother but she would always tell me Catholics were Satanists because they had idols and saints and didn't read the Bible. Granny was crazy but it doesn't take a genius to see that Vatican (Sin) City is rotten to the core.

    2. comrad_darkness

      That's okay, I'm having flashbacks from all the Catholic stuff I was taught growing up Catholic.


    Sister Campbell also commented: "And do you know we women love Jesus? Because he was hung like this", she said, while extending her arms.

  24. LiveToServeYa

    Don't make His Holiness Palpatine force-choke a nun. "You have paid the price for your lack of vision," he told the Sisters of Mercy.

  25. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Somewheres Palpatine is saying "Hey now, I may be evil incarnate but even I don't go around attacking nuns…"

  26. LetUsBray

    I truly don't understand why even a bunch of out-of-touch, creepy old men have decided that the issues of paramount importance to their church are uterus policing and gay bashing. They've hitched their wagon to a horse headed straight to the glue factory, and which promises not even to yield a high-quality glue.

  27. Guppy

    A letter was also handed to Jesus, complaining of his not calling the Woman at the Well a slut or telling her to repent, or even to stop sleeping around.

  28. Biff

    I've entered Catholic churches exactily twice in my life, once for a funeral, once for a civil service exam. Funerals always suck, no matter the denomination, and I got the civil service job, so both my experiences turned out pretty bad.

  29. donner_froh

    These Network founding nuns are dangerous. They advocate insane things like negotiating with Iran, passing the Violence Against Women Act and stopping mass deportations of migrants. Must be shut down.

  30. GorzoTheMighty

    "Your Holiness, Tomas de Torquemada of the Congergation for the Doctrine of the Faith on line 2"

  31. clblabin

    I kinda hate it when this shit happens and people say that the Pope isn't acting like Jeeeeesus would have. Jesus was probably a mentally ill peasant who wandered around telling everybody he was God and was about to overthrow Rome. He started to win a few followers, including gullible rich old ladies like Mary Magdalene, so the Romans dispatched him with their usual subtlety and grace. Later, some guys, sensing a good money-making opportunity, stuck a few ancient platitudes into his mouth about being nice to people. We've got to get over this dude, he isn't coming back.

  32. ttommyunger

    On a brighter note, this date marks the anniversary of Pope Ratzi's installation, the Oklahoma City bombing, Waco, and the day I made the front page of the Kansas City Star for getting my head caved in with table legs and living to tell about it (l965). I think I'll just stay home today…

  33. Ducksworthy

    Yes. Jesus had balls. Nun have balls. Il Papa has tiny withered dried beans in his shriveled nutsack. That explains the problem.

  34. barto

    focusing its work too much on poverty and economic injustice

    WTF is wrong with these people (that is, the Pope and his pals)? FFS… words fail.

  35. MarionNYNY

    “I’m stunned,” said Sister Simone Campbell, executive director of Network, a Catholic social justice lobby founded by sisters.

    'Course you are, sister. After all, you never know when to expect the Spanish (uh, German?) inquisition.

  36. owhatever

    Women, he thinks. You can't live with them, and you can't kill them. Then he remembers his wonderful boyhood years as a Nazi and sees a way to rid himself and the cult of some of the bitches.

  37. comrad_darkness

    Silly nuns thinking what Jesus taught has any bearing whatsoever on the church. Oh, sorry The Church. (dun dun duuuuun)

  38. comrad_darkness

    This is more like the church having a war on itself, which would be fun as hell to watch.

  39. comrad_darkness

    Just checking, but it isn't technically Godwin to point out that the pope is a Nazi, right?

  40. tessiee

    So, I see the Church has taken a break from trying to force people to believe that the Sun revolves around the flat Earth. That's nice, I guess.

  41. Designer_Rants

    The Vatican City Virgins are puttin' the sluts in their place! You go, boys! It's sacrilegious how these nuns work on the front line of poverty and insecurity, and yet they aren't honoring their vows of Bigotry.

  42. LadyWisdom

    I think the nuns should get together, elect a pope, and start a competing version of Catholicism that respects women. It's probably the Catholic Church's only hope of existence in 100 years.

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