The Pain In Bain

Romney Firm Too Busy Firing People For Not Being Mormon To Create Those Jobs He Keeps Talking About

panty clauseWhat kind of underwear do you have on? Are they magical? No? Outta here! Bain Capital, a job creating powerhouse established by America’s number one job creator Mitt Romney, is being sued by a group of people that claim they were fired for not being part of the Mormon church (LDS). This rogue group of secular sweat hogs were threatening the very foundation of ethics and morals Bain was built on. It was time to call out Romney Rooter and snake out these infiltrators of normalcy and make sure that the pains in Bain go mainly down the drain.

Curtis Toone and Mike Scott are two of Bain’s most elite ‘cleaners.’ The dynamic duo were dispatched to the scene where the 52- to 62-year-old non-Mormon terrorists were running amok converting everyone they touched to free-balling philanderers. Ex-employee David McCurdy is one of the tribal warriors set on destroying the job creation power station. His four disciples follow closely behind waving their litigious wands, casting spells and wearing boxer briefs. Luckily for Bain, they were caught and expelled before they could do anymore harm, but these employees already established their litigation lair and are ready to have the ultimate battle between good and evil.

So why are they suing exactly?

“SCP partners, in particular Curtis Toone and Mike Scott, made comments about religion and questioned the beliefs of Plaintiffs and other employees.”

The five ex-employees of Bain are asking for $5.35 million in damages for breach of oral contract, discrimination, promissory estoppel and retaliation and $5 million more for “mental and emotional distress.” The plaintiffs claim they had an oral agreement for a five year employment contract with raises over time. Bain claims, ‘nuh uh’. Seven months into their alleged five year contract, the plaintiffs were released from their duties with the explanation that Bain would no longer be making investments in the senior housing industry. One of Bain’s golden rules to making profits is to hire people four years and five months longer than their assigned task. The plaintiffs are represented by Ann Foster, with Dunn Carney Allen Higgins & Tongue, of Portland. Everyone knows when it comes to anything oral, Tongue is the best. [Courthouse News]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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66 comments

  1. actor212

    SCP partners, in particular Curtis Toone and Mike Scott, made comments about religion and questioned the beliefs of Plaintiffs and other employees

    TRANSLATION: Hey, you! Lemme see your underwear!

  2. Antispandex

    I see no problem here. This is America! If they want to fire them for not believing in the Moroni Bologna, that is their right! Oh, and don't try to bring up those "equal employment laws" either! Those are going to be gone just as quick as we can say, "President Mitt".

  3. HempDogbane

    Promissory estoppel is one of those gateway activities that has become rampant among Tennessee High School students. Three deaths in the past 12 months !

  4. Not_So_Much

    What about Klan robes instead of the magic underoos? They don't cover quite as much fleshy territory, but there may be some 'corporate synergy' there.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    Four years and five months? Is that straight off of the golden plates ol' what-his-name dug up out of his compost pile?

  6. bumfug

    "I was strolling through the woods around the office building one day when a mystical being made of light appeared and handed me gold tablets inscribed in a foreign text. To my amazement I was able to easily read them and the words unfolded before me: "You have 30 minutes to clean out your desk and depart the premises before security will be called to escort you out".

  7. sullivanst

    If you can't fire someone for not sharing the same religion as you, then religious freedom is dead! DEAD I SAY!

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, pish-posh — we all know that Titans of Industry would never compromise their profit-motivated bidness acumen in favor of religious or other prejudice — why, the free market is the very crucible of equal-opportunity employment, since it's clear that institutionalized racism/sexism/religionism would never flourish since it's counter to the profit motive. Rand Paul told me this when he was explaining why the Civil Rights Bill should be repealed.

  9. Extemporanus

    GET A BAIN MORMANS!

    (Don't think of it as me repeating myself — think of it as me boldly practicing untaxed vulture capital-ism on a creatively bankrupt shell comment.)

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    Yes, even now, Mitt is known for wearing Magic Commando Underwear. And no, you don't want to look.

  11. BlueStateLibel

    But if Bain Capital is destroyed by this lawsuit, who will be destroying and shipping American jobs overseas? Who will be stealing from middle-class workers' pension funds? Our economy is doomed if this goes through.

  12. Callyson

    I guess Mittens is not the only one who likes to fire people–perhaps it is in the Book of Mormon someplace?

  13. Steverino247

    No surprise to me. I once sat in on a lunch conversation between an LDS bishop and their local psychologist. (You know, the BYU Ph.D. who was supposed to help the faithful stay that way?) Because I "look Mormon" they carried on the conversation like I was one of the group. They discussed who was going to be "let go" in that area and named their specific replacements coming in from Utah, complete with info such as size of family, temple status, tithing records, etc. Just fucking amazing stuff. That was in 1985, so they've been at it for at least that long.

  14. PubOption

    Breach of oral contract, promissory estoppal, and mental and emotional distress. Sounds like a legalistic way to describe the Hotel Caribe / Secret Service scandal.

  15. Steverino247

    Nope. Tall Caucasian. "Mormon face" was what I was told by both of them. Interesting lunch, to say the least.

  16. elgin_pelican

    Joe Smith. A religion started by a guy named Joe Smith. You know, I think THEY'RE laughing at US!

  17. lochnessmonster

    Always get it in writing and don't sign anything til you get a lawyer…isn't that the rule?

  18. Chet Kincaid

    Gah, it's not Bain that's being sued, it's Sorenson Capital Partners, which is run by former members of Bain Capital and Bain & Co.! Sloppy much?

  19. WonkCynic

    I'd like a pair of the pink Romney panties to go with my "Kill a sand niggaz mama fo' Obama" hoodie, por favor.

Comments are closed.