THE PAIN IN BAIN  2:43 pm April 19, 2012

Romney Firm Too Busy Firing People For Not Being Mormon To Create Those Jobs He Keeps Talking About

by Erik Jay

panty clauseWhat kind of underwear do you have on? Are they magical? No? Outta here! Bain Capital, a job creating powerhouse established by America’s number one job creator Mitt Romney, is being sued by a group of people that claim they were fired for not being part of the Mormon church (LDS). This rogue group of secular sweat hogs were threatening the very foundation of ethics and morals Bain was built on. It was time to call out Romney Rooter and snake out these infiltrators of normalcy and make sure that the pains in Bain go mainly down the drain.

Curtis Toone and Mike Scott are two of Bain’s most elite ‘cleaners.’ The dynamic duo were dispatched to the scene where the 52- to 62-year-old non-Mormon terrorists were running amok converting everyone they touched to free-balling philanderers. Ex-employee David McCurdy is one of the tribal warriors set on destroying the job creation power station. His four disciples follow closely behind waving their litigious wands, casting spells and wearing boxer briefs. Luckily for Bain, they were caught and expelled before they could do anymore harm, but these employees already established their litigation lair and are ready to have the ultimate battle between good and evil.

So why are they suing exactly?

“SCP partners, in particular Curtis Toone and Mike Scott, made comments about religion and questioned the beliefs of Plaintiffs and other employees.”

The five ex-employees of Bain are asking for $5.35 million in damages for breach of oral contract, discrimination, promissory estoppel and retaliation and $5 million more for “mental and emotional distress.” The plaintiffs claim they had an oral agreement for a five year employment contract with raises over time. Bain claims, ‘nuh uh’. Seven months into their alleged five year contract, the plaintiffs were released from their duties with the explanation that Bain would no longer be making investments in the senior housing industry. One of Bain’s golden rules to making profits is to hire people four years and five months longer than their assigned task. The plaintiffs are represented by Ann Foster, with Dunn Carney Allen Higgins & Tongue, of Portland. Everyone knows when it comes to anything oral, Tongue is the best. [Courthouse News]

 
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{ 66 comments }

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Toone? Really?

His wife's name was Jessica Rabbit, I bet

ElPinche April 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

"Snff snff"
"Well, Curtis, is it magical?"
"No, just swampy."

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 2:48 pm

SCP partners, in particular Curtis Toone and Mike Scott, made comments about religion and questioned the beliefs of Plaintiffs and other employees

TRANSLATION: Hey, you! Lemme see your underwear!

elviouslyqueer April 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm

John Mech? That you?

DerrickWildcat April 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

It's been scientifically proven that Mormons are weird.

Jus_Wonderin April 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm

What is this thing, science, of which you speak?

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

At least they weren't represented by Dr Teeth. Teeth and oral sex are bad.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Depends on how you use them. Me, I like to scrape them over the sh–

Uhhhhhhhhh, I'll be in my bunk. Again.

widestanceromance April 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm

You must make quite an impression. [ducks]

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Damn. I can't come up with a retort. I keep getting stuck on "alginate"

widestanceromance April 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm

It's OK. See, as a commenter gets older, . . .

Antispandex April 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I see no problem here. This is America! If they want to fire them for not believing in the Moroni Bologna, that is their right! Oh, and don't try to bring up those "equal employment laws" either! Those are going to be gone just as quick as we can say, "President Mitt".

HempDogbane April 19, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Promissory estoppel is one of those gateway activities that has become rampant among Tennessee High School students. Three deaths in the past 12 months !

metamarcisf April 19, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You know who else has a breach of oral contract?

nounverb911 April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Lindsey Graham?

ph7 April 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Connie Linquist?

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

My ex-dentist?

forgracie April 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Linda Lovelace?

GOPCrusher April 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Linda Lovelace?

Mumbletypeg April 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

900-foot-tall Jesus?

iburl April 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Everybody elected to public office?

Sharkey April 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Linda Lovelace?

littlebigdaddy April 19, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Is that, like, when you go to a place with a gloryhole but don't reciprocate?

lowaltflier April 19, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Wearing shorts like those may cause promissory estoppel.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

It's not you, honey. It's me. See, as a man gets older…

Not_So_Much April 19, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What about Klan robes instead of the magic underoos? They don't cover quite as much fleshy territory, but there may be some 'corporate synergy' there.

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Four years and five months? Is that straight off of the golden plates ol' what-his-name dug up out of his compost pile?

Blueb4sunrise April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Nuh uh Erik, we're not telling you what we're wearing.

OzoneTom April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

If it was an oral contract then they should hire Joe Jamail.

bumfug April 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"I was strolling through the woods around the office building one day when a mystical being made of light appeared and handed me gold tablets inscribed in a foreign text. To my amazement I was able to easily read them and the words unfolded before me: "You have 30 minutes to clean out your desk and depart the premises before security will be called to escort you out".

GOPCrusher April 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Was that mystical being named Bob?

RedneckMuslin April 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

30 minutes. Long enough to put 50 pizzas on the company's credit card.

Jus_Wonderin April 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Does The Being have a box for me?

sullivanst April 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

If you can't fire someone for not sharing the same religion as you, then religious freedom is dead! DEAD I SAY!

nounverb911 April 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Has Mitt baptized freedom yet?

WiscDad April 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I believe in Moremomism….with NO underwear

Lucidamente1 April 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

You know who else is in breach of oral contract?

widestanceromance April 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Little Boy Blew?

SayItWithWookies April 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Oh, pish-posh — we all know that Titans of Industry would never compromise their profit-motivated bidness acumen in favor of religious or other prejudice — why, the free market is the very crucible of equal-opportunity employment, since it's clear that institutionalized racism/sexism/religionism would never flourish since it's counter to the profit motive. Rand Paul told me this when he was explaining why the Civil Rights Bill should be repealed.

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm

What kind of underwear do you have on?

Erik, you're a perv.

Extemporanus April 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm

GET A BAIN MORMANS!

(Don't think of it as me repeating myself — think of it as me boldly practicing untaxed vulture capital-ism on a creatively bankrupt shell comment.)

EatsBabyDingos April 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Yes, even now, Mitt is known for wearing Magic Commando Underwear. And no, you don't want to look.

widestanceromance April 19, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Hey, Willard. I commando in your general direction.

BlueStateLibel April 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm

But if Bain Capital is destroyed by this lawsuit, who will be destroying and shipping American jobs overseas? Who will be stealing from middle-class workers' pension funds? Our economy is doomed if this goes through.

mrblifil April 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The Jews, that's who!

SwanSwanH April 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Mountain Meadows Redux.

EtchySketchy April 19, 2012 at 3:23 pm

"promissory estoppel" is that a German porn mag?

actor212 April 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm

It's incisive, to say the least

mrblifil April 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

If the firm is working, why go with underwear at all?

Callyson April 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I guess Mittens is not the only one who likes to fire people–perhaps it is in the Book of Mormon someplace?

rickmaci April 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Trip to Kolob anyone?

Steverino247 April 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

No surprise to me. I once sat in on a lunch conversation between an LDS bishop and their local psychologist. (You know, the BYU Ph.D. who was supposed to help the faithful stay that way?) Because I "look Mormon" they carried on the conversation like I was one of the group. They discussed who was going to be "let go" in that area and named their specific replacements coming in from Utah, complete with info such as size of family, temple status, tithing records, etc. Just fucking amazing stuff. That was in 1985, so they've been at it for at least that long.

PubOption April 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You wore a white shirt, dark tie, dark pants, and rode a bike?

LiveToServeYa April 19, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That figures. Were they also caught interviewing newly-converted Jews by seance?

PubOption April 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Breach of oral contract, promissory estoppal, and mental and emotional distress. Sounds like a legalistic way to describe the Hotel Caribe / Secret Service scandal.

Steverino247 April 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Nope. Tall Caucasian. "Mormon face" was what I was told by both of them. Interesting lunch, to say the least.

elgin_pelican April 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Joe Smith. A religion started by a guy named Joe Smith. You know, I think THEY'RE laughing at US!

lochnessmonster April 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Always get it in writing and don't sign anything til you get a lawyer…isn't that the rule?

Chet Kincaid April 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Gah, it's not Bain that's being sued, it's Sorenson Capital Partners, which is run by former members of Bain Capital and Bain & Co.! Sloppy much?

glamourdammerung April 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Not being able to fire folks for not being Mormons is a war on religion!

mormos April 19, 2012 at 6:04 pm

pretty sure I own those briefs

ttommyunger April 20, 2012 at 8:41 am

Sorry, but underwear's no funtowear.

DahBoner April 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

First they came for your LSD.

I said nothing, because I only do mushrooms….

WonkCynic April 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I'd like a pair of the pink Romney panties to go with my "Kill a sand niggaz mama fo' Obama" hoodie, por favor.

meatpuppet2 April 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

"America’s number one job creator"

America's numer one job cremator

Fixed.

imissopus April 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Don't upset him, he'll become unhinged.

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