Bubba Grump Remember when hero Congressman Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for all the bother the US government was causing it, by forcing it to maybe mitigate some of the hellfire it had sort of rained down upon the Gulf? Those were good times, like when the old man apologized to Dick Cheney, for having been in the way of his gun! Well, now Joe Barton is going to have to apologize to BP AGAIN, because the Gulf of Mexico is all full of shrimp with no eyes now, and somebody (al Jazeera) is going to be mean to them about it! Why won’t Barack NoObAma apologize for al Jazeera’s mean reporting about BP on his American Apologies tour???

“At the height of the last white shrimp season, in September, one of our friends caught 400 pounds of these,” [fisherwoman Tracy] Kuhns told Al Jazeera while showing a sample of the eyeless shrimp.

According to Kuhns, at least 50 per cent of the shrimp caught in that period in Barataria Bay, a popular shrimping area that was heavily impacted by BP’s oil and dispersants, were eyeless. Kuhns added: “Disturbingly, not only do the shrimp lack eyes, they even lack eye sockets.”

“Some shrimpers are catching these out in the open Gulf [of Mexico],” she added, “They are also catching them in Alabama and Mississippi. We are also finding eyeless crabs, crabs with their shells soft instead of hard, full grown crabs that are one-fifth their normal size, clawless crabs, and crabs with shells that don’t have their usual spikes … they look like they’ve been burned off by chemicals.”

There’s about a million more words of tl;dr over at the Jazeera Environmental Terrorist Fund and Worldwide Website, about “science” and “proof” and other such sops to the morally weak, if you have the stummick for it. Impeach Obama, obviously. His High Lord Hairgel and Whatnot His Willardness “Mitt” Romney would not let such slanders befoul the reputation of his friend, a corporation. What was it he said? “Corporations are people; too, my friends!” Yes, that was it. [AlJazeera]

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  • nounverb911

    Serve them to the winners of the London Olympics.

  • Barb

    This is the worst thing to happen to the beaches since the Speedo.

  • bumfug

    Just makes 'em easier to catch.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If I had to swim around looking up at fat southern asses swimming above me I would probably put out my own eyes.

    • bagofmice

      Oedipal shrimp?

      • Negropolis

        Earl of Gloucester Libel!

  • Callyson

    I say we gouge the eyes from the BP executives and those from the other companies who caused this crap to happen and give them to the shrimp…

    …and if that's not enough, let's include the eyes of the Republicans in Congress, also, too.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    And Joe Barton hates, just hates, having to apologize for BP because it means that he has to take their greasy cock out of his mouth.

    • NellCote71

      Your post is definitely NSFW but I am sitting here at my work computer chuckling out loud

  • Sassomatic

    What the fuck to shrimp need to look at anyway?

    • Boobies?

      Think of the poor shrimp, unable to fap to a nice pair of boobies swimming overhead!

    • Sea Monkey Libel!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I never liked food that could stare back at me, anyway.

    • DaRooster

      Yep, I gave up potatoes…

      • OneDollarJuana

        And fried eggs.

        • NellCote71

          And Elvis-on-velvet pictures.

          • Negropolis

            You're doing it wrong!

  • JudasPeckerwood

    This is the kind of innovation that will keep America's seafood industry strong!

  • LabRodent

    I knew something was wrong when didn't have to add oil when frying my fish.

  • No eyes and already soaking in oil? Just throw them in the saute pan and they're ready to go! It's already prepared food, straight from the sea.

    • SkinnyNerd

      Was BP in cahoots with Monsanto?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hell, just toss 'em on a plate a touch a match to them, no need to get the pan dirty.

    • fuflans

      'murika is BACK mofos!

  • mavenmaven

    Given the republican resistance to facing clear scientific facts, we should resign ourselves to the fact that we'll all start being born like that soon as well.
    A future John Boehner may want to cry when they kill more science, but won't be able to.

    • Wait. You mean to tell me that all these years I've stayed away from masturbation have been IN VAIN?!?!?!?!?!?

      I've got a LOT of catching up to do! I'll be in my bunk…

  • Sassomatic

    This is clearly just that evolooshun you libs are so crazy about. Stop complaining.

  • WiscDad

    "they look like they’ve been burned off by chemicals.” Like my brain cells.

  • My friend Trent Lott has also experienced eye trouble. Someday, we'll sit on his porch and discuss it while we eat mutant shellfish and drink brown liquor. I'm looking forward to it.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Thank you Jeebus & BP! Those shrimp eyes always creeped me out.

    btw – they're still showing ads here during the evening news about how WONDERFUL everything is on the Gulf – thanks to BP.

    • GhostBuggy

      Now if BP can find a way to deep-fry them as soon as they're born…

  • coolhandnuke

    Red Lobsters across our fine nation will spin this news by offering $9.99 all-you-can-eat Blind Prawn specials.

    • Veritas78

      The blind ones are tenderer.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Emeril is working on a recipe right now.

  • Baconzgood

    If you take away our seafood's eyes only seafood somthing somthing….

    (I got nothing. This is too depressing to snark to for someone who likes to eat swimmies as much as I do.)

    • You can have my eyes when you burn them out of my cold, dead sockets?

    • jodyleek

      But, think of all the money you'll save by not having to buy motor oil to add to your shrimp salad.

    • James Michael Curley

      Ocean scallops wrapped in bacon.

      • bagofmice

        The 'ol blue eyes in guts combo.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Man — you meshuggah carnivores have really fucked your food supply this time, haven't you? And no, I'm not sharing the tofu.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Mmm… tasty Monsanto GMO goodness! With a side of Roundup.

      We are all fucked.

    • SnarkoMarx

      Have I discovered a fellow vegan among the commentariat?

  • I been through the desert on a shrimp with no eyes.

    • Not if it didn't have no eyes, you haven't.

    • Boojum

      At least you were out of the rain, of oil.

      • bikerlaureate

        The ocean is a desert with its life underground
        And a perfect disguise above.

  • Not_So_Much

    I didn't like them looking at me accusingly anyway.

  • WiscDad

    "white shrimp"? Sounds racist to me. Given the story…I picture a shrimp at the bottom of the ocean sitting on a porch playing a banjo.

    • bagofmice

      With that many arms, they could do some serious pickin'.

    • Generation[redacted]

      shrimp crackers!

    • Negropolis

      Well, we are talking about the Gulf, so that wouldn't surprise me.

  • MissTaken

    Just think of all the money the shrimp can now save on optometry. This is progress!

    • There goes my Crustacean Contacts website…*tearing up business plan*

  • CrunchyKnee

    I saw a shrimp with no eyes and I did nothing…

    • I saw a shrimp with no eyes having a pina colada at Trader Vic's.

      And his hair was perfect.

      You can't explain that!

      • Baconzgood

        Stay away from him.

        He'll rip your lungs out Jim

        But I'd like to meet his tailor.

        (RIP Z-Man. You and Dr. Gonzo will be missed in the world of snark.)

        • *holding up lighter*

          Thing of beauty, man.

  • sharethegrief

    The Republican party is one giant, eyeless crab.

    • jodyleek

      For me to poop on!

  • "Are the stars out tonight
    I don't know if it's botulism or blight
    Cause I only had eyes — 'til you"..♫..

    • I want to dim the lights and have sex with this comment. Of course, eyeless, I don't really need to dim the lights.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      "Blinded by the blight.
      Wrapped up in bacon
      Another shrimp? I think I might!"

  • PubOption

    We can export the eyeless shrimp to Gaza.

  • Eve8Apples

    Shrimp with no eyes for rednecks with no brains.

    • jodyleek

      Look for them in your local Walmart frozen foods section!

      • LesBontemps

        Blind Lemon Shrimp — entree or blues musician?

  • Come here a minute

    They's eyeless shrimp, legless shrimp, antennaless shrimp, tailless shrimp, shelless shrimp. That's about it.

  • DaRooster

    One nice thing now about being a shrimp fisherman… you don't have to look 'em in the eyes when you kill 'em.

  • coolhandnuke

    This is great news for the seeing eye shrimp trainers.

  • George Spelvin

    The alt-hede, or whatever you call it, is a thing of beauty.

    • sullivanst

      It's kind of a surtitle. And yes, it is inspired.

  • DaRooster

    No eyes plus… we can use less olive oil for the saute… they gots their own oils.

    • Yeah, except it's the hideous orange kind like olestra that makes you fart orange streaks.

      • Boojum

        Is that why John Boehner?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
    And the slow parade of fears without crying
    Now I want to understand
    I have done all that I could
    To see the evil and the good without hiding
    You must help me if you can?

    Doctor, my eyes, tell me what is wrong
    Was I unwise to leave them open for so long

    • Boojum

      Shrimp no longer understand this song.

      • johnnymeatworth

        When you put it that way, maybe it's not so bad….

  • LastGasp

    Having lived near the Gulf of Mexico for most of my adult years I'd like to thank all of you who actually gave a damn about the massive oil spill in 2010 caused by the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig. You see, there have been many spills in the Gulf of Mexico, and there was a long time when it was just accepted that if you went for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico you might come out spotted with a few globs of oil. Nobody seemed to really care and that's just the way it was.

    So for those of you who finally did see that oil and water do not mix, I salute you!

    • GOPCrusher

      Actually, I'm looking forward to using this development on the next happy asshole that tells me that we wouldn't have 4 buck a gallon gas if Obama would let the oil companies punch more holes in the bottom of the Gulf Of Mexico. Or that man has no effect on the planet.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    But think how cute they're gonna look with eyepatches. Like little pirates!

    • With teeeeeny little parrots on their shoulders.

      • user-of-owls

        And itsy bitsy little hooks for fins!

  • coolhandnuke

    This type of thing would never happen in the Gulf of America.

  • LabRodent

    You may gain super powers by eating them or you may get cancer . its your decision.

    • BornInATrailer

      Or both! Like Travolta in Phenomenon! Or Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Eh, whatever. That shrimp guy on Sponge Bob is kind of a dick.

    • GOPCrusher

      Great. Now I'm hungry for a Crabby Patty.

  • IncenseDebate

    It's just like the blind shrimp leading the blind shrimp.

  • Troglodeity

    The obvious lesson is we should dump more chemicals into the ocean: soft-shelled crab for all!

    And if we can find some really nasty chemicals that'll burn off the shrimp shells altogether, so much the better. What a time-saver!

  • larryfinexx

    shrimp isn't halal, what's al-jazeera complaining bout

  • ttommyunger

    There is no "i" in shrimp….No, wait!

    • Karma_Suture

      ack ack ack ack

  • SkinnyNerd

    I am surprised Republicans are not taking the shrimps' side, seeing as they are white shrimp.

  • coolhandnuke

    I like to wrap my shrimp (with eyes) in bacon, broil it and drizzle them with honey mustard.

    • Baconzgood

      Shell fish and bacon is a great pairing.

      I make a pretty mean langostino chowder with bacon. The secret is to save the grease after you fry the bacon and put it in the chowder.

  • flamingpdog

    Wonkette P – YAYYYY!!!
    B P – BOOOOOO!!!!

  • meatlofer

    There's no "I" in Shrmp!

  • MissTaken

    Weird. I would've thought the British would've fucked up the shrimp's teeth.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I love you even though you made hot coffee squirt out my nose and onto my IPad.

      • MissTaken

        Watch out with the "L" word or SorosBot will stomp you with his robot leg!

        • SorosBot

          Aw, it's cute when you get jealous on my behalf. But don't worry, I trust you especially after this past weekend – Wile E. you'll just have to dream on.

        • Wile E. Quixote

          The "L" word? No one told me that lesbians were involved too. Between that and the Urban Outfitters story my day has become positively faptacular.

  • BornInATrailer

    Oil seeps in, eyes fall out. You can't explain that!

    • pdiddycornchips

      Mom used to say if I keep eating french fries I'd go blind.

  • littlebigdaddy

    But have they learned to whistle?

  • hagajim

    But, but I saw the commercials, the beaches are open!

  • flamingpdog

    When the pdog was in elementary school, he was a shrimp and a "four-eyes". Now we have us some shrimp with no-eyes. I haz no snark on this ecologic disaster. Somebody needz to fuck Joe Barton in the eye socket. Better yet, remove his eyes and eye sockets and toss him in the Gulf.

  • Antispandex

    We may be looking at this all wrong. I can see an up side here. Latest new trendy delicacy, Eyeless Gulf Shrimp sushi. Charge like a hundred bucks for the stuff and people will be standing in line around the block!

  • coolhandnuke

    It's in their blood them Boogaloo Shrimp…serves 'em right for eyeing our white women.

  • Mahousu

    We are also finding … crabs with their shells soft instead of hard

    Send them to Maryland. We pay extra for those here.

  • BornInATrailer

    Lobsterbacks need to bring our lobsters back.

  • I'm scared to click the link. Is there anything about sharks in there?

  • Nostrildamus

    "white shrimp season"

    Please, Wonkette! Enough about Newt's pecker already.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Popeye's is gonna hafta change it's name.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    "Eyeless Crustaceans" would be a good name for a band.

  • nirrti_rachelle
  • pdiddycornchips

    The Heritage Foundation has a team of scientists hard at work trying to establish a link between mutant shell fish and that time Obama went swimming there.

    • littlebigdaddy

      They allowed a blah to swim on their precious white people beaches?

  • Guppy

    On the plus side, they've also started growing (what might be described as) fins and scales. Kosher shellfish!

  • Biff

    Please, Gulf of Mexico, ya filthy commie!

  • Shrimpers have found a new market! Those people who say they won't eat anything with a face!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "Dangerous oil slicked cancer-causing dna-busting chemicals? You're soaking in it!"

  • LiberalMantra

    No more seefood, I guess.

  • sbj1964

    Sounds Tasty! Shrimp with no eyes?Crab with soft shells,blind lobster? Good I don't like my favorite food looking at me while I eat it.Nature is so good tasting.PETA = People ,Eating, Tasty, Animals.

  • DahBoner

    Did George Bush wave at them yet???

  • Data Exactly

    Do shrimp really need eyes? Is this trait going to enter the species' permanently, due to successful development of eyeless shrimp?!?

  • Tommmcattt

    Finally! Mutated Freaks!

  • SnarkoMarx

    I don't know about shrimp but I know what to call a deer with no eyes. No eye dear. Sounds funnier when you say it. Not much funnier but a little.

  • Joey_Blau

    The pic is all wrong.. I see ten eyes in it!

    and what is everyone complaining about? most people take the heads OFF before eating shrimp! no one will ever know.

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