just lose your eyes and think of england

Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes

Bubba Grump Remember when hero Congressman Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for all the bother the US government was causing it, by forcing it to maybe mitigate some of the hellfire it had sort of rained down upon the Gulf? Those were good times, like when the old man apologized to Dick Cheney, for having been in the way of his gun! Well, now Joe Barton is going to have to apologize to BP AGAIN, because the Gulf of Mexico is all full of shrimp with no eyes now, and somebody (al Jazeera) is going to be mean to them about it! Why won’t Barack NoObAma apologize for al Jazeera’s mean reporting about BP on his American Apologies tour???

“At the height of the last white shrimp season, in September, one of our friends caught 400 pounds of these,” [fisherwoman Tracy] Kuhns told Al Jazeera while showing a sample of the eyeless shrimp.

According to Kuhns, at least 50 per cent of the shrimp caught in that period in Barataria Bay, a popular shrimping area that was heavily impacted by BP’s oil and dispersants, were eyeless. Kuhns added: “Disturbingly, not only do the shrimp lack eyes, they even lack eye sockets.”

“Some shrimpers are catching these out in the open Gulf [of Mexico],” she added, “They are also catching them in Alabama and Mississippi. We are also finding eyeless crabs, crabs with their shells soft instead of hard, full grown crabs that are one-fifth their normal size, clawless crabs, and crabs with shells that don’t have their usual spikes … they look like they’ve been burned off by chemicals.”

There’s about a million more words of tl;dr over at the Jazeera Environmental Terrorist Fund and Worldwide Website, about “science” and “proof” and other such sops to the morally weak, if you have the stummick for it. Impeach Obama, obviously. His High Lord Hairgel and Whatnot His Willardness “Mitt” Romney would not let such slanders befoul the reputation of his friend, a corporation. What was it he said? “Corporations are people; too, my friends!” Yes, that was it. [AlJazeera]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          This conversation makes me wish my eyes had been burned out by chemicals. Oh, and my brain.

      1. Barb

        Why the hell would I try to imagine Newt in a Speedo? I'd rather see him under a speeding train.

        1. Gleem McShineys

          I am actually very much relieved to see that this picture did NOT include Newt's "eyeless shrimp"

      2. redarmyzombie

        You remember that scene from the Exorcist? Y'know, the one where she projectile vomits all over the priest?

        Yeah, I need a new computer monitor now, thank you very much…

    1. Steverino247

      I used to look pretty damned good in a speedo. Of course, I was on a high school swimming team and not on a beach in New Jersey, so I guess it's location, location, location, eh?

  1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If I had to swim around looking up at fat southern asses swimming above me I would probably put out my own eyes.

  2. Callyson

    I say we gouge the eyes from the BP executives and those from the other companies who caused this crap to happen and give them to the shrimp…

    …and if that's not enough, let's include the eyes of the Republicans in Congress, also, too.

  3. Wile E. Quixote

    And Joe Barton hates, just hates, having to apologize for BP because it means that he has to take their greasy cock out of his mouth.

    1. NellCote71

      Your post is definitely NSFW but I am sitting here at my work computer chuckling out loud

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hell, just toss 'em on a plate a touch a match to them, no need to get the pan dirty.

  4. mavenmaven

    Given the republican resistance to facing clear scientific facts, we should resign ourselves to the fact that we'll all start being born like that soon as well.
    A future John Boehner may want to cry when they kill more science, but won't be able to.

    1. actor212

      Wait. You mean to tell me that all these years I've stayed away from masturbation have been IN VAIN?!?!?!?!?!?

      I've got a LOT of catching up to do! I'll be in my bunk…

  5. Gratuitous World

    My friend Trent Lott has also experienced eye trouble. Someday, we'll sit on his porch and discuss it while we eat mutant shellfish and drink brown liquor. I'm looking forward to it.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Thank you Jeebus & BP! Those shrimp eyes always creeped me out.

    btw – they're still showing ads here during the evening news about how WONDERFUL everything is on the Gulf – thanks to BP.

  7. coolhandnuke

    Red Lobsters across our fine nation will spin this news by offering $9.99 all-you-can-eat Blind Prawn specials.

  8. Baconzgood

    If you take away our seafood's eyes only seafood somthing somthing….

    (I got nothing. This is too depressing to snark to for someone who likes to eat swimmies as much as I do.)

    1. jodyleek

      But, think of all the money you'll save by not having to buy motor oil to add to your shrimp salad.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Man — you meshuggah carnivores have really fucked your food supply this time, haven't you? And no, I'm not sharing the tofu.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Mmm… tasty Monsanto GMO goodness! With a side of Roundup.

      We are all fucked.

  10. WiscDad

    "white shrimp"? Sounds racist to me. Given the story…I picture a shrimp at the bottom of the ocean sitting on a porch playing a banjo.

      1. Baconzgood

        Stay away from him.

        He'll rip your lungs out Jim

        But I'd like to meet his tailor.

        (RIP Z-Man. You and Dr. Gonzo will be missed in the world of snark.)

  11. Come here a minute

    They's eyeless shrimp, legless shrimp, antennaless shrimp, tailless shrimp, shelless shrimp. That's about it.

  12. DaRooster

    One nice thing now about being a shrimp fisherman… you don't have to look 'em in the eyes when you kill 'em.

  13. johnnymeatworth

    Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
    And the slow parade of fears without crying
    Now I want to understand
    I have done all that I could
    To see the evil and the good without hiding
    You must help me if you can?

    Doctor, my eyes, tell me what is wrong
    Was I unwise to leave them open for so long

  14. LastGasp

    Having lived near the Gulf of Mexico for most of my adult years I'd like to thank all of you who actually gave a damn about the massive oil spill in 2010 caused by the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig. You see, there have been many spills in the Gulf of Mexico, and there was a long time when it was just accepted that if you went for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico you might come out spotted with a few globs of oil. Nobody seemed to really care and that's just the way it was.

    So for those of you who finally did see that oil and water do not mix, I salute you!

    1. GOPCrusher

      Actually, I'm looking forward to using this development on the next happy asshole that tells me that we wouldn't have 4 buck a gallon gas if Obama would let the oil companies punch more holes in the bottom of the Gulf Of Mexico. Or that man has no effect on the planet.

  15. Troglodeity

    The obvious lesson is we should dump more chemicals into the ocean: soft-shelled crab for all!

    And if we can find some really nasty chemicals that'll burn off the shrimp shells altogether, so much the better. What a time-saver!

  16. SkinnyNerd

    I am surprised Republicans are not taking the shrimps' side, seeing as they are white shrimp.

  17. coolhandnuke

    I like to wrap my shrimp (with eyes) in bacon, broil it and drizzle them with honey mustard.

    1. Baconzgood

      Shell fish and bacon is a great pairing.

      I make a pretty mean langostino chowder with bacon. The secret is to save the grease after you fry the bacon and put it in the chowder.

        1. SorosBot

          Aw, it's cute when you get jealous on my behalf. But don't worry, I trust you especially after this past weekend – Wile E. you'll just have to dream on.

        2. Wile E. Quixote

          The "L" word? No one told me that lesbians were involved too. Between that and the Urban Outfitters story my day has become positively faptacular.

  18. flamingpdog

    When the pdog was in elementary school, he was a shrimp and a "four-eyes". Now we have us some shrimp with no-eyes. I haz no snark on this ecologic disaster. Somebody needz to fuck Joe Barton in the eye socket. Better yet, remove his eyes and eye sockets and toss him in the Gulf.

  19. Antispandex

    We may be looking at this all wrong. I can see an up side here. Latest new trendy delicacy, Eyeless Gulf Shrimp sushi. Charge like a hundred bucks for the stuff and people will be standing in line around the block!

  20. coolhandnuke

    It's in their blood them Boogaloo Shrimp…serves 'em right for eyeing our white women.

  21. Mahousu

    We are also finding … crabs with their shells soft instead of hard

    Send them to Maryland. We pay extra for those here.

  22. Guppy

    On the plus side, they've also started growing (what might be described as) fins and scales. Kosher shellfish!

  23. randcoolcatdaddy

    "Dangerous oil slicked cancer-causing dna-busting chemicals? You're soaking in it!"

  24. sbj1964

    Sounds Tasty! Shrimp with no eyes?Crab with soft shells,blind lobster? Good I don't like my favorite food looking at me while I eat it.Nature is so good tasting.PETA = People ,Eating, Tasty, Animals.

  25. Data Exactly

    Do shrimp really need eyes? Is this trait going to enter the species' permanently, due to successful development of eyeless shrimp?!?

  26. SnarkoMarx

    I don't know about shrimp but I know what to call a deer with no eyes. No eye dear. Sounds funnier when you say it. Not much funnier but a little.

  27. Joey_Blau

    The pic is all wrong.. I see ten eyes in it!

    and what is everyone complaining about? most people take the heads OFF before eating shrimp! no one will ever know.

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