Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Bubba Grump Remember when hero Congressman Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for all the bother the US government was causing it, by forcing it to maybe mitigate some of the hellfire it had sort of rained down upon the Gulf? Those were good times, like when the old man apologized to Dick Cheney, for having been in the way of his gun! Well, now Joe Barton is going to have to apologize to BP AGAIN, because the Gulf of Mexico is all full of shrimp with no eyes now, and somebody (al Jazeera) is going to be mean to them about it! Why won’t Barack NoObAma apologize for al Jazeera’s mean reporting about BP on his American Apologies tour???

“At the height of the last white shrimp season, in September, one of our friends caught 400 pounds of these,” [fisherwoman Tracy] Kuhns told Al Jazeera while showing a sample of the eyeless shrimp.

According to Kuhns, at least 50 per cent of the shrimp caught in that period in Barataria Bay, a popular shrimping area that was heavily impacted by BP’s oil and dispersants, were eyeless. Kuhns added: “Disturbingly, not only do the shrimp lack eyes, they even lack eye sockets.”

“Some shrimpers are catching these out in the open Gulf [of Mexico],” she added, “They are also catching them in Alabama and Mississippi. We are also finding eyeless crabs, crabs with their shells soft instead of hard, full grown crabs that are one-fifth their normal size, clawless crabs, and crabs with shells that don’t have their usual spikes … they look like they’ve been burned off by chemicals.”

There’s about a million more words of tl;dr over at the Jazeera Environmental Terrorist Fund and Worldwide Website, about “science” and “proof” and other such sops to the morally weak, if you have the stummick for it. Impeach Obama, obviously. His High Lord Hairgel and Whatnot His Willardness “Mitt” Romney would not let such slanders befoul the reputation of his friend, a corporation. What was it he said? “Corporations are people; too, my friends!” Yes, that was it. [AlJazeera]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 148 comments }

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Serve them to the winners of the London Olympics.

Barb April 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

This is the worst thing to happen to the beaches since the Speedo.

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Nah, just imagine Newt in a Speedo.

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm

*cringe*

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

This conversation makes me wish my eyes had been burned out by chemicals. Oh, and my brain.

bagofmice April 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm

If you're wearing a speedo, those will be exposed.

Barb April 18, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Why the hell would I try to imagine Newt in a Speedo? I'd rather see him under a speeding train.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

They often call him Speedo but his real name is Mr. Nerd…

sullivanst April 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Hence, "since" ;)

IncenseDebate April 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

That's what the shrimp did and now they have no eyes.

mormos April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

now i have no eyes

BTWBFDIMHO April 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm
Gleem McShineys April 18, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I am actually very much relieved to see that this picture did NOT include Newt's "eyeless shrimp"

GhostBuggy April 18, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Why? Why would you do this?

redarmyzombie April 18, 2012 at 6:43 pm

You remember that scene from the Exorcist? Y'know, the one where she projectile vomits all over the priest?

Yeah, I need a new computer monitor now, thank you very much…

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

The mankini would like a word

Steverino247 April 18, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I used to look pretty damned good in a speedo. Of course, I was on a high school swimming team and not on a beach in New Jersey, so I guess it's location, location, location, eh?

bumfug April 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Just makes 'em easier to catch.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

If I had to swim around looking up at fat southern asses swimming above me I would probably put out my own eyes.

bagofmice April 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Oedipal shrimp?

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Earl of Gloucester Libel!

Callyson April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I say we gouge the eyes from the BP executives and those from the other companies who caused this crap to happen and give them to the shrimp…

…and if that's not enough, let's include the eyes of the Republicans in Congress, also, too.

Wile E. Quixote April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

And Joe Barton hates, just hates, having to apologize for BP because it means that he has to take their greasy cock out of his mouth.

NellCote71 April 18, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Your post is definitely NSFW but I am sitting here at my work computer chuckling out loud

Sassomatic April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

What the fuck to shrimp need to look at anyway?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Boobies?

Think of the poor shrimp, unable to fap to a nice pair of boobies swimming overhead!

deanbooth April 18, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Sea Monkey Libel!

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I never liked food that could stare back at me, anyway.

DaRooster April 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Yep, I gave up potatoes…

OneDollarJuana April 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And fried eggs.

NellCote71 April 18, 2012 at 5:06 pm

And Elvis-on-velvet pictures.

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 10:48 pm

You're doing it wrong!

JudasPeckerwood April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This is the kind of innovation that will keep America's seafood industry strong!

LabRodent April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I knew something was wrong when didn't have to add oil when frying my fish.

EloquentScience April 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

No eyes and already soaking in oil? Just throw them in the saute pan and they're ready to go! It's already prepared food, straight from the sea.

SkinnyNerd April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Was BP in cahoots with Monsanto?

Lascauxcaveman April 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Hell, just toss 'em on a plate a touch a match to them, no need to get the pan dirty.

fuflans April 18, 2012 at 9:38 pm

'murika is BACK mofos!

mavenmaven April 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Given the republican resistance to facing clear scientific facts, we should resign ourselves to the fact that we'll all start being born like that soon as well.
A future John Boehner may want to cry when they kill more science, but won't be able to.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Wait. You mean to tell me that all these years I've stayed away from masturbation have been IN VAIN?!?!?!?!?!?

I've got a LOT of catching up to do! I'll be in my bunk…

Sassomatic April 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

This is clearly just that evolooshun you libs are so crazy about. Stop complaining.

WiscDad April 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"they look like they’ve been burned off by chemicals.” Like my brain cells.

Gratuitous World April 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

My friend Trent Lott has also experienced eye trouble. Someday, we'll sit on his porch and discuss it while we eat mutant shellfish and drink brown liquor. I'm looking forward to it.

OkieDokieDog April 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Thank you Jeebus & BP! Those shrimp eyes always creeped me out.

btw – they're still showing ads here during the evening news about how WONDERFUL everything is on the Gulf – thanks to BP.

GhostBuggy April 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Now if BP can find a way to deep-fry them as soon as they're born…

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Red Lobsters across our fine nation will spin this news by offering $9.99 all-you-can-eat Blind Prawn specials.

Veritas78 April 18, 2012 at 8:37 pm

The blind ones are tenderer.

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Emeril is working on a recipe right now.

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

If you take away our seafood's eyes only seafood somthing somthing….

(I got nothing. This is too depressing to snark to for someone who likes to eat swimmies as much as I do.)

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm

You can have my eyes when you burn them out of my cold, dead sockets?

jodyleek April 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

But, think of all the money you'll save by not having to buy motor oil to add to your shrimp salad.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Newman's Own Thirty Weight.

James Michael Curley April 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Ocean scallops wrapped in bacon.

bagofmice April 18, 2012 at 4:21 pm

The 'ol blue eyes in guts combo.

SayItWithWookies April 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Man — you meshuggah carnivores have really fucked your food supply this time, haven't you? And no, I'm not sharing the tofu.

GunToting[Redacted] April 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Mmm… tasty Monsanto GMO goodness! With a side of Roundup.

We are all fucked.

SnarkoMarx April 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

Have I discovered a fellow vegan among the commentariat?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I been through the desert on a shrimp with no eyes.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 18, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Not if it didn't have no eyes, you haven't.

Boojum April 18, 2012 at 4:45 pm

At least you were out of the rain, of oil.

bikerlaureate April 18, 2012 at 5:14 pm

The ocean is a desert with its life underground
And a perfect disguise above.

Not_So_Much April 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I didn't like them looking at me accusingly anyway.

WiscDad April 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"white shrimp"? Sounds racist to me. Given the story…I picture a shrimp at the bottom of the ocean sitting on a porch playing a banjo.

bagofmice April 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

With that many arms, they could do some serious pickin'.

Generation[redacted] April 18, 2012 at 4:32 pm

shrimp crackers!

Negropolis April 18, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Well, we are talking about the Gulf, so that wouldn't surprise me.

MissTaken April 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Just think of all the money the shrimp can now save on optometry. This is progress!

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

There goes my Crustacean Contacts website…*tearing up business plan*

CrunchyKnee April 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I saw a shrimp with no eyes and I did nothing…

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I saw a shrimp with no eyes having a pina colada at Trader Vic's.

And his hair was perfect.

You can't explain that!

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Stay away from him.

He'll rip your lungs out Jim

But I'd like to meet his tailor.

(RIP Z-Man. You and Dr. Gonzo will be missed in the world of snark.)

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

*holding up lighter*

Thing of beauty, man.

sharethegrief April 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The Republican party is one giant, eyeless crab.

jodyleek April 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

For me to poop on!

Mumbletypeg April 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"Are the stars out tonight
I don't know if it's botulism or blight
Cause I only had eyes — 'til you"..♫..

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I want to dim the lights and have sex with this comment. Of course, eyeless, I don't really need to dim the lights.

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm

"Blinded by the blight.
Wrapped up in bacon
Another shrimp? I think I might!"

PubOption April 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

We can export the eyeless shrimp to Gaza.

Wile E. Quixote April 18, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Too cerebral, you need more BALLS to really hook the Wonketeers. either that or something they can fap to.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 18, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Treyf. I mean, haram.

Eve8Apples April 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Shrimp with no eyes for rednecks with no brains.

jodyleek April 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Look for them in your local Walmart frozen foods section!

LesBontemps April 18, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Blind Lemon Shrimp — entree or blues musician?

Come here a minute April 18, 2012 at 3:18 pm

They's eyeless shrimp, legless shrimp, antennaless shrimp, tailless shrimp, shelless shrimp. That's about it.

DaRooster April 18, 2012 at 3:18 pm

One nice thing now about being a shrimp fisherman… you don't have to look 'em in the eyes when you kill 'em.

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

This is great news for the seeing eye shrimp trainers.

George Spelvin April 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

The alt-hede, or whatever you call it, is a thing of beauty.

sullivanst April 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

It's kind of a surtitle. And yes, it is inspired.

DaRooster April 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

No eyes plus… we can use less olive oil for the saute… they gots their own oils.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money April 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Yeah, except it's the hideous orange kind like olestra that makes you fart orange streaks.

Boojum April 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Is that why John Boehner?

johnnymeatworth April 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears without crying
Now I want to understand
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good without hiding
You must help me if you can?

Doctor, my eyes, tell me what is wrong
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long

Boojum April 18, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Shrimp no longer understand this song.

johnnymeatworth April 18, 2012 at 8:04 pm

When you put it that way, maybe it's not so bad….

LastGasp April 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Having lived near the Gulf of Mexico for most of my adult years I'd like to thank all of you who actually gave a damn about the massive oil spill in 2010 caused by the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig. You see, there have been many spills in the Gulf of Mexico, and there was a long time when it was just accepted that if you went for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico you might come out spotted with a few globs of oil. Nobody seemed to really care and that's just the way it was.

So for those of you who finally did see that oil and water do not mix, I salute you!

GOPCrusher April 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Actually, I'm looking forward to using this development on the next happy asshole that tells me that we wouldn't have 4 buck a gallon gas if Obama would let the oil companies punch more holes in the bottom of the Gulf Of Mexico. Or that man has no effect on the planet.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

But think how cute they're gonna look with eyepatches. Like little pirates!

starfanglednut April 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm

With teeeeeny little parrots on their shoulders.

user-of-owls April 18, 2012 at 8:41 pm

And itsy bitsy little hooks for fins!

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

This type of thing would never happen in the Gulf of America.

LabRodent April 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

You may gain super powers by eating them or you may get cancer . its your decision.

BornInATrailer April 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Or both! Like Travolta in Phenomenon! Or Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Eh, whatever. That shrimp guy on Sponge Bob is kind of a dick.

GOPCrusher April 18, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Great. Now I'm hungry for a Crabby Patty.

IncenseDebate April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

It's just like the blind shrimp leading the blind shrimp.

Troglodeity April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The obvious lesson is we should dump more chemicals into the ocean: soft-shelled crab for all!

And if we can find some really nasty chemicals that'll burn off the shrimp shells altogether, so much the better. What a time-saver!

larryfinexx April 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

shrimp isn't halal, what's al-jazeera complaining bout

ttommyunger April 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

There is no "i" in shrimp….No, wait!

Karma_Suture April 19, 2012 at 4:21 am

ack ack ack ack

SkinnyNerd April 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I am surprised Republicans are not taking the shrimps' side, seeing as they are white shrimp.

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I like to wrap my shrimp (with eyes) in bacon, broil it and drizzle them with honey mustard.

Baconzgood April 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Shell fish and bacon is a great pairing.

I make a pretty mean langostino chowder with bacon. The secret is to save the grease after you fry the bacon and put it in the chowder.

flamingpdog April 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Wonkette P – YAYYYY!!!
B P – BOOOOOO!!!!

redarmyzombie April 18, 2012 at 6:46 pm
meatlofer April 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm

There's no "I" in Shrmp!

MissTaken April 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Weird. I would've thought the British would've fucked up the shrimp's teeth.

Wile E. Quixote April 18, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I love you even though you made hot coffee squirt out my nose and onto my IPad.

MissTaken April 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Watch out with the "L" word or SorosBot will stomp you with his robot leg!

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Aw, it's cute when you get jealous on my behalf. But don't worry, I trust you especially after this past weekend – Wile E. you'll just have to dream on.

Wile E. Quixote April 18, 2012 at 6:34 pm

The "L" word? No one told me that lesbians were involved too. Between that and the Urban Outfitters story my day has become positively faptacular.

BornInATrailer April 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Oil seeps in, eyes fall out. You can't explain that!

pdiddycornchips April 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Mom used to say if I keep eating french fries I'd go blind.

littlebigdaddy April 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

But have they learned to whistle?

hagajim April 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

But, but I saw the commercials, the beaches are open!

flamingpdog April 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

When the pdog was in elementary school, he was a shrimp and a "four-eyes". Now we have us some shrimp with no-eyes. I haz no snark on this ecologic disaster. Somebody needz to fuck Joe Barton in the eye socket. Better yet, remove his eyes and eye sockets and toss him in the Gulf.

Antispandex April 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

We may be looking at this all wrong. I can see an up side here. Latest new trendy delicacy, Eyeless Gulf Shrimp sushi. Charge like a hundred bucks for the stuff and people will be standing in line around the block!

coolhandnuke April 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm

It's in their blood them Boogaloo Shrimp…serves 'em right for eyeing our white women.

Mahousu April 18, 2012 at 3:44 pm

We are also finding … crabs with their shells soft instead of hard

Send them to Maryland. We pay extra for those here.

BornInATrailer April 18, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Lobsterbacks need to bring our lobsters back.

Sharkey April 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'm scared to click the link. Is there anything about sharks in there?

Nostrildamus April 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm

"white shrimp season"

Please, Wonkette! Enough about Newt's pecker already.

OneDollarJuana April 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Popeye's is gonna hafta change it's name.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"Eyeless Crustaceans" would be a good name for a band.

nirrti_rachelle April 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm
pdiddycornchips April 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

The Heritage Foundation has a team of scientists hard at work trying to establish a link between mutant shell fish and that time Obama went swimming there.
http://politics.ofwnow.com/world-news/obama-swimm

littlebigdaddy April 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

They allowed a blah to swim on their precious white people beaches?

Guppy April 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm

On the plus side, they've also started growing (what might be described as) fins and scales. Kosher shellfish!

Biff April 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Please, Gulf of Mexico, ya filthy commie!

Maman April 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Shrimpers have found a new market! Those people who say they won't eat anything with a face!

randcoolcatdaddy April 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

"Dangerous oil slicked cancer-causing dna-busting chemicals? You're soaking in it!"

LiberalMantra April 18, 2012 at 6:43 pm

No more seefood, I guess.

sbj1964 April 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Sounds Tasty! Shrimp with no eyes?Crab with soft shells,blind lobster? Good I don't like my favorite food looking at me while I eat it.Nature is so good tasting.PETA = People ,Eating, Tasty, Animals.

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Did George Bush wave at them yet???

Data Exactly April 18, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Do shrimp really need eyes? Is this trait going to enter the species' permanently, due to successful development of eyeless shrimp?!?

Tommmcattt April 19, 2012 at 12:57 am

Finally! Mutated Freaks!

SnarkoMarx April 19, 2012 at 9:09 am

I don't know about shrimp but I know what to call a deer with no eyes. No eye dear. Sounds funnier when you say it. Not much funnier but a little.

Joey_Blau April 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

The pic is all wrong.. I see ten eyes in it!

and what is everyone complaining about? most people take the heads OFF before eating shrimp! no one will ever know.

NellCote71 April 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Really, no warning a'tall. I clicked expecting an eyeless-shrimp image.

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