TWATS  12:08 pm April 18, 2012

Twitter Digest: Ted Nugent And Secret Service To Bang Whores, Barbecue A Dog

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Smell the LoveTed Nugent is having a barbecue with the Secret Service, because he simply cannot stop asking ladies and Barack Obama to ride his machine gun, and suck on his machine gun, and die from the bullets ejaculating forth from his machine gun, and now he is like a black Jew at a Klan rally, he says, meaning he is Being Oppressed! (That is what you do to blacks and maybe Jews.)

As for the Secret Service probe, Nugent said that he will be meeting with officials on Thursday.

“We actually have heard from the Secret Service and they have a duty. I support them. I salute them. And I look forward to our meeting tomorrow,” he said. “I‘m sure we’ll have a great conversation…bottom line is, I‘ve never threatened anybody’s life in my life. I’ve never threatened. I don’t waste breath threatening.”

He continued, going on to reiterate his respect for the law enforcement officials.

“We’re going to have a little barbecue get together,” he said. “And I’m not trying to diminish the seriousness of this, because if the Secret Service are doing it they are serious. They are dedicated and I will be as polite and supportive as I possibly can be, which will be thoroughly.”

Also, Barack Obama totally ate Fluffy, and we for one are fine with that. Wait, where’d all our PETA ads go? [TheBlaze]

 
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{ 112 comments }

nounverb911 April 18, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Will the barbecue be in Colombia?

Serolf_Divad April 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

The Nuge will be bar-b-cuing iguana in Gitmo, hopefully.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I wish I was in Tijuana…

Beowoof April 18, 2012 at 12:33 pm

It would put him close to the source of the drugs that will help find the words to stay in the headlines..

themcwow April 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Wang Dang!

Barb April 18, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I can't wait to see what he serves at the BBQ. Probably some deer who was gracefully enjoying his salt lick before Ted felt he had to kill them to be a real man.

Terry April 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

He'll probably challenge the Secret Service folks to a round of target shooting, too.

I hope he accidentally shows them his massive and illegal stash of weapons.

Barb April 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I like the way you think.
Will he go to "Confederate Flags R Us" to get a new shirt to wear to his BBQ?
I'm sure he has his illegal stash of weapons in the closet he's reserved for his music awards that will forever remain empty.

Tundra Grifter April 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

If it's the one he gunned down in California, I think it was more like a fawn.

JustPixelz April 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Mona Lisa Vito: [comes out of the bathroom]

Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water… BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

— "My Cousin Vinny"

OneYieldRegular April 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

With an AK-47.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I hear Afghan suicide bomber is on the menu

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I don’t waste breath threatening.

See, Nuge, dooooooood, this could be misinterpreted.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Every time he inhales, it's a waste of breath.

Come here a minute April 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I thought the black Jew at the KKK rally was supporting States' Rights.

tejanojim April 19, 2012 at 1:59 am

He was their attorney from the ACLU.

HempDogbane April 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Fried Green Tomatoes 2 !

DCBloom April 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Ted Nugent is a pants shitting draft dodger, http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9a1_1250550290

Terry April 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Of course, he is. The louder someone calls for violence or war, the less likely they actually have experience with it.

HempDogbane April 18, 2012 at 12:34 pm

"But I am not a coward." Nugent experiments with understatement.

pdiddycornchips April 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Ted finds the term coward offensive. He prefers Nancy boy

flamingpdog April 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Call him a Nancy Pelosi boy and watch his head assplode.

Beowoof April 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Well yeah, he is a true republican along the lines of Cheney, W, and Limbaugh, talks a lot shit, until he hears shots fired in anger then all the shit drops right to his pants.

pdiddycornchips April 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm

He loves his guns but shits his pants at the prospect of someone shooting back. When the revolution finally comes, he'll be found cowering in a closet inside Hannity's studio.

Gratuitous World April 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I hope they get to the root of his pathology and discuss his tiny penis

Not_So_Much April 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

If his gun is so impressive, he should be able to reach and suck on it himself.

el_donaldo April 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Yeah, Ted, the black at that rally is Obama. That makes you, no, not the Jew, yes, the other stuff.

MissTaken April 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I‘ve never threatened anybody’s life in my life. I’ve never threatened. I don’t waste breath threatening.

I find it cute and endearing when someone tells me to suck on their machine gun, not threatening at all

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

He meant it euphe…euphe…wait, what's that word I'm thinking of?

Oh, right. Literally.

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Please, that's just a surveying tool.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"An' if it finds someone at waist level within a hundred yards…."

Generation[redacted] April 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

It's only a metaphor. It could refer to an act of fellatio on any killing device.

Steverino247 April 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Having operated machine guns of various calibers, let me say there's nothing funny about being on the wrong end of one. Besides, if you're nice, you don't really have to ask to have your "weapon" sucked, do you?

mavenmaven April 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

He's having a little dinner with the secret service agents coming to investigate him to get to know them better before they insert their Secret Service probe, if you know what I mean.
Personally, I hope their "probe" of Nugent is cold and hard and rectal.

DaRooster April 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"I don’t waste breath threatening.”

Bring it… tough guy.

chicken_thief April 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm

That would be "Draft Dodging Tough Guy".

DaRooster April 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

"Draft Dodging Power Chording Bigoted Arrogant Set Out A Salt Lick Sit In A Tree And Shoot The Deer As They Meander Through Tough Guy"

el_donaldo April 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

The questions I'd like the Secret Service to ask him: "So does that plutocrat dick you've been servicing for the past 20 years actually taste that good? Or are you just hoping that at the end you'll find the splooge of relevance that's eluded you for even longer?"

Fat chance, I know.

CapnFatback April 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I guess this is the redneck version of a beer summit?

CogitoErgoBibo April 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

In re Secret Service probes: bring your own lube. Trust me.

Serolf_Divad April 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I must have missed something: when, exactly, did the Nazis and the Klan go from lynching minorities and promoting white supremacy to helping a black president engineer health care coverage for all American citizens?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

January 21, 2009.

Generation[redacted] April 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The day some CNBC douchebag ranted on TV from the floor of the Chicago mercantile exchange.

CivicHoliday April 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

So what if Obama ate a little soy-and-garlic-seared Fluffy while hanging out with his Tranny Nanny in Indonesia? I ate goat and bugs and some other mystery meats when I was in Africa and NONE of it was as gross as the ammonia-soaked pink slime burgers you get here at McAwful's.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

That's why I found the whole kerfuffle funny: it's obviously intended as a rebuttal to the whole "Seamus" thing, but I think Americans (thanks to Anthony Bordain and Andrew Zimmern) understand that people around the world eat different and unusual things.

I mean, hell, you ever eat oppossum? I haven't and that's an American rural staple (if we can take the documentary "Beverly Hillbillies", at face value), but I've eaten some pretty different cuisines in my day and found them all tasty in their own way.

Except durian. I never could get past the suspicion I was eating someone's feet.

Generation[redacted] April 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Brilliant. Next family road trip, I'm strapping doggie to the roof of the car, and if kids complain, I'll say, "Would you rather eat the guinea pig? Because we can go to Peru if you keep whining."

SoBeach April 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Conejo cuis. Never tried it myself, but some say it's tasty.

Boojum April 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Terminus El Estupido.

SexySmurf April 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

If the Nuge is a black does that mean he wipes his ass with his hands?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

And do we get to call him "Nugger" now?

Tommy1733 April 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm

That is a great quote from a great mind. How foolish that he thinks of himself as akin to the more aboriginal Africans. Absolutely non-thinking.

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You can't keep the white man down, Bra!

ThundercatHo April 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

"Well, you see officer, when I called you a pig I meant it as a compliment. They are noble beasts and I have always been supportive of law enforcement. Thoroughly. And I'm a vegan now, too. Did I mention that? Can I get you guys a beer or something?" I hope they take turns kicking him in the nuts.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

This is slightly OT, but I have an overwhelming urge to kick Dana Loesch squarely in the vag.

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Only today?

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 12:26 pm

So, are they meeting in the trailer trash rocker's 20 room trailer?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I hope it's really long, thick probe.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Has the cablez contrasted this with something Bill Maher has said?

prommie April 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Nah, they are going with Michael Moore.

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I'm still getting a PETA ad right now, that invites me to "Watch the shocking video that will show you "who" you are really eating." It also includes a picture of some really delicious looking meat, and makes me want to eat some. I think they're kind of destroying their message with that.

SkinnyNerd April 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I am sorry, but this guy must have the world's smallest penis. Such a fetishistic fascination with machine guns cannot be explained any other way.

V572 Fehrnstrom April 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm

How about overcompensation for closeted homosexuality?

V572 Fehrnstrom April 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

In the interest of mitigating his current douche-baggery, here is list of good things about Ted Nugent:

(1) The introductory guitar lick* on the Amboy Dukes' recording of "Journey to the Center of Your Mind," (which was appropriated for commercials for the Spiderman movie).

###
___________________
*Unless actually performed by a studio musician or cobbled up through overdubbing and multiple takes, in which case item (1) is withdrawn from this list

George Spelvin April 18, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Yes.

pdiddycornchips April 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Nuge says he'll be either dead or in jail if Obama gets elected in November. This winter is going to be awesome! I hope he gets the McVeigh suite at the federal pen. Godspeed you braveheart doofus.

An_Outhouse April 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

So the secret service are NOT jack booted thugs from the ominpotent state? I guess if Ted says so it must be true.

GuyClinch April 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I really think Nuge and Cheney should go hunting together. It'd be Id and Ego, and it might be a bloodbath, also too.

CheneysOldHeart April 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I'll go hunting with him.

Rosie_Scenario April 18, 2012 at 12:34 pm

GOP Fambly Values on that album cover, but he loses points for including vegetables on the platter. Vegetables? That is a step too far.

Oblios_Cap April 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm

He's making his move on Moo-Chelle.

ProgressiveInga April 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I hope one of the Secret Service agents is a caterpillar and the Nuge tries to mack on her and she kicks him squarely in the nerts. That is all.

SorosBot April 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Will he serve fetus at the barbecue?

actor212 April 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I dunno…I mean, it's been brining in its amniotic fluid, but there's not really enough fat to sear well. Fetus really needs to be parboiled.

meatlofer April 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Waterboard that Motherfucker!

Generation[redacted] April 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

(NRA meeting) "Suck my machine gun, big government!"
(Secret Service interview) "I have always been a big supporter of government."

Designer_Rants April 18, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I'm sure that image doesn't say anything at all about the psychological makeup of Ted Nugent.

SoBeach April 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"We're going to have a little barbecue…"

Yeah Ted, those Secret Service guys are going to just hang out and shoot the shit with you.

RedneckMuslin April 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

They"re going to shoot him?
Sounds good.

anniegetyerfun April 18, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I've eaten horse meat, but then, I really fucking hate horses.

Callyson April 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Additionally, he…commented on the “sub-human punk” label he gave DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Barack, Hillz, and now Debbie are on the Enemy List. DWS has made the big time!

Blueb4sunrise April 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Related: Jesse Kelly won GOP Primary for Az. 08
http://tucsoncitizen.com/three-sonorans/files/201

niblick77 April 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"I don’t waste breath threatening." – And, since there is no record of him ever doing anything to anyone that puts him in the top 1% of the top 1% of tea party braggart pussydom.

An_Outhouse April 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

He adopted a girl so he could rape her. That might count for something.

fartknocker April 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

What troubles me about Uncle Ted is my comparison to the Dixie Chicks. When W was elected in 2000 they sang a song which pissed of the GOP to the point that they were banned from several radio stations and were essentially forced into an undeserved 18 month hiatus.

12 years later Ted comes out and makes some preposterous statements which can be easily deemed as being threats and he announces that him and the Secret Service will have a little BBQ and he'll show them respect.

Hypocritical goat fuck.

freakishlywrong April 18, 2012 at 12:56 pm

The shocking, outrageous hate that poured from the Chick's?
"Just so y'all know, we're ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas,"

Compare and contrast.

fartknocker April 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I couldn't remember their statement. At the time I felt it was a fair statement of how a some Texans (including myself) felt about his leadership. My concerns are now validated by history.

Grief_Lessons April 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm

You know; Jesus was a Jew who was, maybe not black, but certainly pigmented.

iburl April 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Subhuman seems to be a favorite term. From the Spnuge's twatter feed last night:

Ted Nugent ‏ @TedNugent
again the soulless subhumans are in a tizzy over too much truth & logic from an actual we the people loving American. Turning up the heat

You know who else called people subhumans?

kafantaris April 18, 2012 at 12:56 pm

It looks like Mitt Romney just found the perfect running mate: Ted Nugent.

GuyClinch April 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

But not the peasants

JustPixelz April 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"…I will be as polite and supportive as I possibly can be…"

Don't play any of your songs. 'Cause then they'll have to stand their ground and shoot you in self-defense. OOPS! I mean, be sure to play them your songs.

rickmaci April 18, 2012 at 1:06 pm

There is a whole lot of corporate support that goes into the money stream for venues and PR that makes it possible for Turd Nugget to appear in public at concerts. He needs a good dose of limbaughing so that stream is closed off.

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Mitt's got the Scumbag Vote locked up!!

Chet Kincaid April 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I heard Barack Obama raped and killed a Russell Terrier in 1967!!11!1!

snoopyfan2010 April 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Call me cynical but the timing of this is strange. The secret service has something to prove.

prommie April 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

If housecats were actually larger than us, they would torture us for their amusement, before killing and eating us. Just saying, you cat lovers, you know its true.

ElPinche April 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I hate to compare a subhuman cromagnon like Nuge to Barry, but Barack is a real badass compared a little pussy like Nugent. An African-American constitutional scholar Barack Hussein Obama, killer of terrorists, signed up to president who faces haters and threats on a daily basis. Ted Nugent on the other hand is a cowardly, self-shitting, draft-dodging, non-contributing sponge cunt with diarreah of the mouth.

glamourdammerung April 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I would say that simply being seriously running for president while black in the current environment automatically means you are either pretty brave or crazy.

ElPinche April 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Precisely.

prommie April 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

I remember those cunt sponges, Elaine on Seinfeld used them as her primary means of birth control.

mormos April 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"I've never threatened anybody[...]"
Then he actually INTENDS to make Barry suck a machine gun. Now I understand why the secret service is coming over.

BZ1 April 18, 2012 at 2:28 pm

That is really the cover art for "Love Grenade"; real classy!

ttommyunger April 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Newsflash, Ted: they ain't gonna eat with you, drink with you and they don't give a fuck whether you'll be polite or otherwise. They won't be impressed by you, your guns or what you jokingly refer to as "music". There are only two ways for you: the hard way or the easy way, asshole; and it will all be in a day's work for them, either way. BTW, I've been trying to organize a big burn party for Ted's albums but so far can't find anybody who owns one.

larrykat April 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Rolls over with his paws up like a little bitch…

1stNewtontheMoon April 18, 2012 at 3:24 pm

This sounds kinda like when Bush and Cheney were both perfectly happy to sit down and "visit" with the 9/11 commission, but under oath? my my my…why'd we have to go and get all serious all the sudden? don't we reserve oath-taking for testimony about fellatio from some strange that is somehow tangentially related to 20 year old Arkansas land deals?

Steverino247 April 18, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Alt-text to that photo: "What's a nice girl like you, doing in a place like this?"

And, uh, Ted. I think they're more fun with the hands untied and the grenade out of the mouth, but it's your party…

glamourdammerung April 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Is the protocol to turn off any cooking equipment before they take someone to jail?

Toomush_Infer April 18, 2012 at 4:46 pm

okay, first and last time I put Nugent in sentence: Ted, you can suck my big hairy, sweaty balls….

DahBoner April 18, 2012 at 7:59 pm

But does he have a $7000 gas grill that duplicates the flavor of an ordinary kitchen stove?

THATS NOT BAR-B-QUE DUMBASS, THAT COOKING OUTDOORS….

rocktonsam April 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Hey Ted, tell the SS that Mike Huckleberry's bass drove you to this madness.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 19, 2012 at 1:09 am

Well, at least RWers admit that Mittens is about as competant and responsible as a 9 year old Barack Obama. Refreashing honesty!

Cumbia612 April 19, 2012 at 8:05 am

The Nuge: Motor City Shithead. Let's not forget he wrote the tender ballads about women: "Yank Me, Crank Me" and "My Love IS Like A Tire Iron. What the hell would you expect?

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