You remember Mali, right? That landlocked country in Western Africa? Well the northern two-thirds of it have seceded and Your Wonkette would like to be among the first to officially recognize its sovereignty and open diplomatic relations, as so far, no nation or international body has done so. Welcome, Azawad. We think you’re great. We’d like to put you in our passport sometime. Azawad is here, everybody say hi!
We’d also like to offer a congratulations to the Tuareg people, an ancient group who are finally getting their first sovereign state (in the Westphalian era of nation states). Good on you, Tuaregs! You make the best music and have the coolest color of blue clothing. You’ve been treated as second-class Malian citizens, and now you get a chance to govern yourselves. Nice!
We’d also like to offer you some unsolicited advice: Stay Secular. You don’t need that Holy Jihad shit salting up your game! We read that the black flags of Salafism have been seen flying in towns on the periphery of your three main cities, and that fundamentalist Muslim stuff is taking root there in the way of kidnappings and such. We urge you to stay cool, like you have been, denouncing al Qaeda and holding the absolutely coolest international music festivals and not encumbering your women. There’s no future in fundamentalist, modern interpretations of Sharia Law, except of course in Oklahoma.
But you know that, you fledgling government, and that’s why we love you. You’ve taken on a formidable foe: the African boundaries drawn by France, Britain, et al. that make NO sense in cultural and historic terms (see map). And you’re like the best when it comes to adventure-tourism. Heck, VW even named an SUV after you!
So listen. We’ve got your back. The further partitioning of Africa makes total sense. Sudan’s government, not known for kindness, even let its southern half secede last year as the cultural distinctions between the south and north were just so clear and obvious that it made no sense to keep them hostage. Mali, which says it will retake Azawad soon, would be wise to follow the lead of the evil warlords to their east, and let the Tauregs have their nation. Stop using Ukranian mercenaries to destroy herds of cattle from war helicopters. Be cool. Enjoy the grassy grasslands of the southern former Mali. Hang out. Let the borders redraw themselves in a more sensible, less insulting way than they’re drawn now. Viva Azawad. And see you all, plus Bono, at the Festival of the Desert in 2013 when the fighting’s over!
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The indigenous peoples of Texas are jealous.
The indigenous peoples* of Texas are encouraged to form their own state of illiterate gunslingers without health insurance. In fact, the phrase "illiterate gunslingers with no health insurance" would make a dandy motto for their flag… you know… if anyone down there were possessed the necessary skills to put pen to paper and actually scribble out those words.
*and by indigenous, I don't mean actual indigenous people whose ancestors have lived there for thousands of years, but rather, "rednecks in pickups."
Capital to be built on Niggerhead?
Yes, please don't get your panties in an Azawad.
That's where it bunches up in your Az crack
Comment of the week.It's really funny if you actually say it out loud.
"congratulations to the Taureg people,"
VW's are made in Azawad?
VW spells it Touareg.
This looks more like a Ford and a Touareg had a head-on collision.
I 'Azawad too, and I know how to use it!
Is it anything like smurfing?
No, but it orgles from time to time
here's to a brighter future for the kids who sang harmony on Tinariwen's previous album! We knew this day would come! (no i didnt)
Your move, Arizona.
Moving to Africa or seceding?
Yes.
AZ is already a wad.
♫ ♬ ♭ I said hello Mali….well, hello Mali!
It's so nice to have you back where you belong! ♫ ♬ ♭
Thanks, Commie Brother!
Will Malia now change her name to Azawadia?
Hi Azawad, my name is Jello Biafra.
Just booked a fly-fishing package there for Newt and Callista. Bon voyage!
I hear the flies there really put up a good fight too.
Say, isn't that dude wearing a hoodie?
This is promising, good luck to them.
Now if Baja California will just secede, then we buncha hippie tree hugger types can emigrate en masse and start a solar powered love in country with 3 burning man-type festivals a year.
And the rest of us can be rid of the hippies who get wasted on ecstasy and run around naked covered in mud. Win-win!
Eww, mud.
No way! Burning man is the best time of year to be in San Francisco, with all the hipsters in the Nevada desert.
Howabout this: with three festivals a year in the newly minted hippie/raver-stan, just think now nice it could be.
Tee-Hee
"Azz Wad"
That young lady with the owl eyes looks like she spent the weekend on the slopes of Tahoe – although I do doubt that actually happened.
Now I am curious as to what the wonkette refutor will say about this.
Most recently formed country buys the doughnuts. You did bring doughnuts, didn't you?
And here's hoping this is one country where we *won't* be deploying troops, for a change…
Too late. I am sure we will do our best to bring peace and stability to the Tuareg people. It seems from that article, like we are siding with the Mali government. Also, Shariah law has been imposed in Timbuktu.
Shhhhh… fuck's sakes, don't give them any ideas!
So, which one is Margaret Thatcher again?
The Sith chick in that photo is hot.
careful, she might activate her double-blade strap on light saber.
Azawad o' money… come on in.
Say Awazad, the US might just be interested in protecting your sovereignty, depending on your answer to one question: got any oil?
Funny thing about that…
Sounds like they may have some of them there "Rare Earth" items… the next, "Hey let's go take over that place" stuff.
Fortunately, we can trade water.
I just want to celebrate…
Old enough to get that….thanks.
Mali is one of those West African countries that is only known to African percussion and World Music enthusiasts, i.e. it has a very tiny and specific tourist population and grinding poverty.
PRO-TIP: If you set up free and fair elections overseen by your highest court, do not worry, nothing can go wrong!
"Pro-tip". Bon-mot of the day.
Say, who is this "John" Schoenkopf, anyway?
"John" sounds suspiciously like the Editrix.
I smell nepotism.
Oh, sorry, that's me. I'm having an onion and horseradish sandwich for lunch…
Pfft. jUST LIberals trying to hide Noobama's birf certificate. AGIN!!!!! U CAN'T HIDE THE TRUTH FOREVER IN THE DARK AFRICAN CONTINENT!!!!!! Cuz Joe Arpaio is on the case.
I'm all for Arpaio searching in an Azawad…
It's got AZ right in the name!
TAGGED: "… AND LEARNING"
I haven't clicked through so many supporting-story links, involving internationally flavored developments of lands U.S. is neither at war with nor in bed with, since Wonkette had a lowly intern feed us such morsels.
The right wing nutz that hate on Wonkette will probably skip the fact that among these people traditionally the men wear veils or other face wrappings – while the women do not.
This is the last place on the Internet I expected to hear this news. What's next, the Malinke saying "see ya" to the Susu to the south in Guinea, and joining the Bambara in Mali to reestablish the Mali Empire?
I used to have to say that in speech therapy…
Or an actor's enunciation exercise?
The Malinke saying see ya to the Susu in the south
The Malinke saying see ya to the Susu in the south
The Malinke saying see ya to the Susu in the south…
Something tells me you did not matriculate at Bob Jones University.
It's nice to know that Sarah Palin has been keeping herself busy, but is this really the best way to get money for SarahPAC?
Also: pictured woman looks ready to disembowel the photographer.
It's also a geography lesson for her. Also.
this will end well
♫ Go Azawad
It's your Birthday♫
Beau Geste!
Perhaps we could interest you guys in one of our extra states? We'll let you have Arizona for cheap and throw in Mississippi for free. Colonialism is not just for white people anymore!
I'd hit it.
Dear Azzwad,
Ignore the nice liberal ladies letter, she's a liberal, which means nobody listens to her. This is your official notification, so pay attention.
1: If you have rich people, put them in charge immediately and have them contact our overlords. Remember, nothing says love like shared investments.
2: You're awfully Islamic and…um…brown. Don't take this as a threat but 1/2 of the American electorate is ready to bomb your asses right this moment. They aren't in charge right now but we have an election in November. I'd encourage you to accomplish task #1 before the first ballot is cast.
3: You guys don't have any oil, do you? No…..lucky for you….
4: We have built the largest, most powerful military machine in the history of the world. We did this at great cost and sacrifice. If you doubt, for one moment, that we will not unleash this death machine on you for reasons you might consider petty or even irrational, then you need to start paying attention. FYI, don't piss us off, we've killed better countries for worse reasons.
5: We will shortly be arriving to exploit your population. You can thank us later.
She looks a lot like Condi Rice,but I'd have to see if she has that big "dick gap" in her front teeth.
Some geeze at HuffingtonPost wins a Pulitzer and all of a sudden yer covering news from Timbuktu (literally).
Snark & buttseks or go home, Wonkette!
And skullfucking! Don't forget the skullfucking!
Congrats Azawadians! Try to befriend some USAID workers ASAP because they can bring in lots of cashola and helpful development and ecotourism advice.
Was this before or after we sent Bono in?
Today, we are all Azawads.
Is that Darth Mali in the photo?
Good luck, Azawad. Somaliland has had most the characteristic of an independent nation except recognition by any other country. They have a currency, a functioning political system, laws, police…they even have a border dispute with another breakaway Somali province–and they have been trying for international recognition since 1991.
Better find oil, diamonds or gold somewhere in the trackless desert wastes that you call home or you are screwed.
Is this close to GlenBeckistan ????
If so, begin launching in 5 minutes…
Um. That's "Tuareg," not "Taureg." Like the fugly VW sport-ute.
t u a r e g, not taureg. So there.
"We’d like to put you in our passport sometime."
Azawad she said, am I right?
There's a lot more going on culturally in that part of Africa than just the Tuareg. Or, in more Wonkettey terms:
Ali Farka Touré libel!
The Tuaregs have the best face tattoos outside of the Palin family, also too.
If memory serves me right, the Tuareg did have their own country until they pissed everyone off so much that all the surrounding people have conquered them and are still pissed at them hundreds of years later… Why can't we all just get along?
There's a country called Asswad? Santorum , call your agent!
Moar snark, pleeze! If I wanted educational I'd spend my time on National Geographic's Website; actually, they have moar tits. Which reminds me…..gotta go!
Is that lady person the leader of Northern Mali a.k.a. Azawad? But that's a female?!? A rather intimidating looking female. I guess that's how she overcame the obstacles to becoming the leader of a country in the Islamic sort-of world. Whatever – free Northern Mali!
Balls!
This John character would be great on a crisis hotline. He makes me feel as if everything is going to be all right, that maybe I should grab an Oreo McFlurry, sit back, and crank up some later-era Marvin Gaye and just…chill.
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